Chapter 16
Lisa Miller
"Choose a job you love
and you will never work a day
in your life...in bed."
~ Sylvia Plath, 1970
While any person with ears in New York City knows the name Bill McNeal, a name you probably do not know is Lisa Miller. Lisa has been my colleague at WNYX for quite some time. She has held many titles over the years. At various times she has been considered a reporter, a producer, a temporary news director, and the on-again-off-again sexual conquest of Dave Nelson. She's a woman of many talents—or so Dave will tell you if you get a few drinks in him. My time spent working with her hasn't been entirely unenjoyable. But let's go back to Lisa's humble beginnings before diving into her rise to mediocrity.
Lisa came to New York City by way of Massachusetts and Connecticut and she has the sibilant S to prove it. After abandoning her plans to become a forest ranger and earning her degree in journalism from, I don't know, Columbia or some hoity-toity place like that, she ventured into the world, starry-eyed and looking to climb the ladder to the top of the AM radio tower. Not the actual radio tower, mind you. You know what I mean. Anyway, it didn't take long for her to land her first job in broadcasting. These days, women have it a lot easier in this business. All they have to do is bat their eyes and shake their hips and—boom—they're reading the news in a sky rise in Manhattan. I don't mean to imply that Lisa is without skill or talent. She has good measures of both, but those two assets only go so far in this dog-eat-dog business. At any rate, to her great fortune, somewhere along the way she ended up working at WNYX with me. Having added working alongside Bill McNeal to her resume, she could have gotten a job anywhere, but she chose to stick with WNYX. Maybe it was because she believed in Jimmy's vision of bringing the truth to the people of New York. Maybe it was to stay close to me and try to absorb some of my greatness. Whatever the reason, she is still with WNYX today.
At times she has been my producer, which means she is supposed to sign off on all the stories I wish to put on the air. We have bonded through the years over our friendly rivalry regarding what I can and cannot say during my broadcast. It's been a fun game. I used to try to sneak non-sequiturs into my editorials just to see if she would notice. For example, I would write up a hard hitting piece on why you shouldn't pick up coins on the sidewalk. In the middle of it, I would bury a sentence or two about what I thought she might look like naked. That Lisa, however, has an eagle eye. She would catch it every time. Occasionally, though, I would "accidentally" forget to cut that line when I read it on air. What can I say? Sometimes it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. It's even easier to ask for neither. Other times I would write in fine print at the bottom of my news copy that I intended to read the entire report in Pig Latin. She only fell for that once. That was a hoot. Sometimes I would skip the charade altogether and simply give her one story while I intended to read another. It was simple enough to trace her signature and by the time she tried to protest it, the segment had already aired. It's these types of delightful experiences that have brought Lisa and me together.
I feel the need to clear the air about something regarding Lisa's love life. She takes a lot of heat, much of it from me, for the fact that she occasionally sleeps with the boss. It's not unusual to hear rumors around the water cooler about how she slept her way to where she is today. You'll hear whispers about how she would have been canned a long time ago if it wasn't for her prowess in the bedroom. The jackals around the office would have you believe that she hasn't earned the career which she now enjoys and, at times, I have been chief among those jackals. But it is unfair to judge Lisa solely by her choice of sexual partner.
Sure, her lover of choice over the years has been a man with the physique of a cub scout. That does not mean that we should assume the only reason she jumped into bed with Dave was to advance her career. I'm sure there was some small part of her, deep inside, that found Dave attractive in some way that the rest of us simply cannot understand. We should take her at her word that her relationship with Dave was founded on mutual attraction and an emotional connection, not an unbridled ambition to achieve favor in the workplace.
We should not read into the fact that Lisa is routinely given any story assignment she requests. It is not for us to decide Dave's motives in issuing Lisa favorable performance appraisals and the big bonus which should obviously be bestowed upon myself. We should not jump to the conclusion that the reason Lisa has been allowed to advance up the corporate ladder has anything to do with how adventuresome she may or may not be between the sheets. Although, if Dave were to be inclined to detail said adventures, I'd be happy to listen and pass my own judgement. Sorted details aside, though, we should all operate under the assumption that any measure of career success which Lisa has achieved has been earned by her own merit in the office and not in Dave's apartment. Yes, we are all aware that Lisa and Dave routinely do it in the office as well, but you know what I mean. Her work should speak for itself. However, it is a free country and, therefore, I am entitled to believe whatever I wish about her sexual manipulation of my good friend Dave.
As a man in a position of power, I feel I have an obligation to state that women have rights these days. In this day and age a woman should be able to have sex with any consensual partner of her choosing, even if it means blatantly violating company policy. This is America! If it weren't for women using sex to manipulate their male superiors, the corporate power structure would completely crumble. In a way, Lisa's abuse of her sexual appetite in the workplace is patriotic. So before you attempt to criminalize her and minimize the work she has put into building her career, remember that she is doing a service, not just to Dave himself, but to our country.
I have wondered, however, if there may be another reason Lisa sought to throw herself at her boss the moment he walked onto the newsroom floor. Yes, she is ambitious. Sure, she wants money and success. But I have wondered if her use of her body to get her way also has something to do with job security. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that sleeping with Dave was a tactic she used to get him to ignore her extensive criminal history. I know what you're thinking, she looks so sweet and innocent. I hate to break it to you, fellas, but that's how they get you. Women love to act all coy and demure. Then, once you're in so deep you've become an accessory to their crimes without realizing it, that's when they reveal their felony convictions. It's a tale as old as time.
In the years I've known Lisa I've never witnessed her commit any crimes per se. But she has admitted to quite a few, leaving me to wonder what other skeletons are hiding in her closet. Let me save you the trouble of Googling it and simply document her criminal record for you here. To my knowledge, the earliest crime she committed was at the age of seventeen. As a spunky young teenager, Lisa Miller stole a car. You might be thinking to yourself, "Wow, grand theft auto, what a turn on!" I had the same thought at first. Let me assure you, the motive is a real mood killer. As it turns out, Lisa's vehicle had broken down while she was on her way to take the SATs. She smashed a window of a parked car with a brick and hotwired it to ensure that she would arrive for her test on time. If you ever meet Lisa and this story comes to mind, please, for the love of God, do not ask her about her SAT score. I assure you, you will regret it.
Ms. Miller was also convicted of breaking and entering. Once again, this crime is not as sexy as it might sound. You may be envisioning Lisa clad in a skin-tight black jumpsuit with pantyhose over her head, busting her way into a secret vault in the dead of night. Sadly, that was not the case. No, young Lisa broke into a library for the sole purpose of studying for a history exam. I know, talk about a disappointment.
Lisa also committed a federal offense. Again, she was convicted of breaking and entering, but this time the scene of the crime was a post office. At this point in my familiarity with her rap sheet, I assumed it had something to do with obtaining her SAT scores, but no. This particular crime was not SAT related, although her intentions were equally unsatisfying. On this occasion, Lisa broke into her local post office on a long holiday weekend to see if any of her college acceptance letters had arrived. Had she been able to locate the home address of the postmaster general, I'm sure she would have shown up at his house and used whatever means of persuasion necessary to retrieve the aforementioned documents.
The rest of her convictions were fairly standard misdemeanors. She received a charge of disorderly conduct for screaming at a proctor for a college placement exam. Apparently there was a typo in one of the questions that caused the answer to become ambiguous and the proctor's suggestion to use her best judgement was deemed unacceptable by Lisa. The proctor had to call the police to stop the verbal abuse that followed. She was also charged with shoplifting from a campus bookstore. Apparently the professor hadn't ordered enough copies of the latest edition and the ones in stock were already reserved for other students. Ordering another copy meant she would not have her text book before the first day of class, which apparently was intolerable. Lisa took it upon herself to swipe a copy. She was easily identifiable on the security camera footage. Sweet Lisa was also convicted of minor assault. It would seem that one of her college classmates was trying to get a peek at her answers on the final exam. Lisa responded by ramming her number two pencil into his ear. According to her police statement, it wasn't the fact that he was a cheater that bothered her so much as the fact that she was worried he was going to ruin the curve.
As you could imagine, with a list of convictions like that, Lisa did some hard time. She spent a couple months in juvenile hall. I have never asked her about her experience behind bars. I wouldn't want her to tarnish my imaginings about her time spent in such close quarters with the young, hormonal teens in the girl's detention ward. Although, she did show me a shiv she fashioned for herself during her time in the pen. She had scrawled "Bad Boy" on it, which I took to be a personal threat since that was the name of my college radio persona. At any rate, Lisa seems to be on the straight and narrow these days.
I suppose what I'm trying to convey about Lisa Miller is not that she uses her feminine wiles to manipulate her boss and get what she wants, nor am I trying to explain the intricate workings of her criminal mind. No, what I find most interesting about Ms. Miller is the power struggle she and I share. To my great surprise, she has not been the easiest person to manipulate, in spite of the fact that she is a woman. To her credit, she has kept me on my toes over the years. Any time I tried to slip a controversial editorial past her, she was always standing over me with a pre-recorded disclaimer and apology on behalf of the station. On the occasions when I would report some made up statistics within a news story because I was too lazy to do the research, Lisa would pop right into the booth with a complex mathematical analysis of the accurate figures. Of course, her ability to tango with me is in large part due to the fact that I have strengthened and molded her with my charming ways of undermining her authority and my impressive displays of dominance in the workplace. At the times throughout her career when she has been my producer, technically that made me her my boss. Yet, somehow she never saw fit to sleep with me in order to advance her career. No, she went right over my head to Dave. That's insubordination, the way I see it, but I let it slide because I am nothing if not gracious and understanding.
On a few occasions, Lisa and I have actually combined our powers and worked together. While I get much less enjoyment out of facilitating an environment of cooperation and unity, I can't deny that when we put our heads together, we are capable of creating something magnificent. After all, it was our combined efforts that created the immeasurably successful segment known as The Real Deal with Bill McNeal. True, any segment with my name attached to it is bound to be successful, but I truly feel that Lisa's support in that instance made the segment a bigger hit than it was otherwise bound to be. Lisa's ability to book guests who I can chew up and spit out has been most helpful in bringing New Yorkers the entertainment they deserve. All in all, if that was Lisa's only contribution to WNYX's success, then I suppose it was worth keeping her around all these years.
Not only that, but she is generally considered nice to look at. I, myself, have spent countless hours pondering what she might look like naked. Apparently I am not the only one. She was once voted Cutest Reporter in New York. Imagine that, a radio journalist being voted the cutest out of all the journalists in New York City. It's an absurd premise at best, but, nonetheless, the award was bequeathed upon her. I dare say, if the powers that be ever create a category for the most ruggedly handsome reporter in New York, there is certainly no question as to who the recipient would be. I'm talking about myself, of course. If you've seen my billboards, you will quickly realize there would be no question in the matter. I suppose in that sense you could say that Lisa and I are separate, but equal.
When I look back on my time spent working with Lisa and her contributions to what makes Bill McNeal tick, I think it's obvious which of her skills is the most valuable. Yes, her skills in the bedroom must be somewhat impressive for Dave to so quickly cave to her every whim. Certainly, her criminal skills are lacking, since she so consistently got caught. Then there are her math skills, which are obnoxious, yet robotically accurate. Even her ability to engage in a meaningful power struggle with me, while impressive, is not the skill of which I am most in awe. No, the talent Lisa possesses which impresses me the most is her ability to drink like a fish. Lisa Miller is, in all probability, the most functional alcoholic one will ever meet. This woman can handle her liquor. As someone who has been near alcohol poisoning at many times in my life, I must say, I have a great deal of respect for the way in which Lisa drinks from morning until night and still manages to get her job done. When she attends happy hour, you can be sure she is going to shut the place down. She will break your arm if you attempt to pilfer the bottle of wine she keeps in her bottom desk drawer. Lisa Miller, you are a credit to alcoholics everywhere and I salute you. Bottoms up!