Chapter 17

Joe the Electrician

"Genius is one percent

inspiration and ninety-nine percent

intimidation."

~ Thomas Edison, 1802

You might be surprised to learn how imperative an electrician can be to the functioning of a radio station. When you think of an electrician, you probably think of someone who wires the occasional light switch or repairs the circuit breaker when someone shorts it out trying to catch a certain unsuspecting co-anchor in the dark. And, while WNYX's long-time electrician, Joe, certainly possesses those skills, he also serves a far greater purpose.

As I have learned over the years, without a skilled electrician, every aspect of the station's operations may completely crumble to pieces. I have witnessed with my own eyes the way in which the simplest of electronic devices can spontaneously burst into flames if not carefully maintained by an experienced electrician such as Joe. Elevators can plummet ten floors in a matter of seconds if not meticulously cared for by someone of Joe's particular talents. It seems that, over the years, Joe has wired the entire station together in one intricate web of electronic synergy. In fact, I have come to understand that behind every wall panel and ceiling tile, there are important pieces of circuitry that, if removed, could cause an entire New York City skyscraper to self-destruct. You learn something new every day, don't you?

When I met Joe, my first question for him was, "What happened to Rick?" Rick, of course, was a handyman and Joe's predecessor at WNYX. It was the strangest thing. One day Rick was there and the next he was gone with Joe standing in his place. I had been working with Rick for years, and, while he certainly wasn't the jack of all trades that Joe turned out to be, I was surprised that Mr. James would have unceremoniously canned the man without so much as a warning. That didn't seem like Jimmy's style. Joe's response to my query was simply, "Don't worry about it." That was when I first learned that Joe was a man of mystery.

Still, curiosity got the better of me. I started asking around as to what had become of our former handyman, Rick. Much to my surprise, I couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone. Dave was brand new as the news director at the time and he said he had no memory of Rick whatsoever. Most of my other colleagues were as baffled as I was about Rick's sudden disappearance. No one had any clue what had become of him. I even approached Mr. James about it. His response was, "Who's Rick? I never heard of any Rick. You must be thinking of someone else. I gotta go." Jimmy is a man who works in mysterious ways. Far be it for me to question him. So at Jimmy's insistence that nothing was amiss, I let it go. That, and any time I brought up Rick's disappearance to anyone, it seemed that Joe would suddenly materialize behind me and make a strange growling noise. I found that to be a bit unnerving. Any-hoo, Joe seemed to be more than competent, so we all let the conundrum of the missing handyman go by the wayside.

I would love to share with you the story of Joe's beginnings, but his life prior to WNYX is somewhat of a mystery. He is a man who does not like to be tracked. If you were to inform me that the United States government had no record that Joe has ever existed, I assure you, my shock would be negligible. Needless to say, I don't know where Joe worked prior to his sudden appearance at WNYX, I know little to nothing about his training, and aside from the fact that he is a life-long New Yorker and a full-blooded Italian, we really know nothing about his private life. We met his brothers once, but still, no personal information could be garnered about Joe's life. I must say, I respect that about him. Joe is a man who does not burden other people with the boring mundanities of his everyday life. Honestly, if it doesn't involve me, Bill McNeal, why should I care? Joe gets it.

As I've mentioned, Joe is a man of many skills. I dare say he has never encountered an electronic device that he could not either fix or improve in some unnecessary manner. But his talents extend beyond that. He could also be called an inventor. The sheer number of machines and devices he has built from the ground up is astounding. I once asked him if he had ever considered filing a patent for any of his creations. His response was, "Why? So that the government can put a tracking device in each of my inventions, disbursing them globally, and ultimately leading to an implantation of alien DNA in every man, woman, and child the world over? Patents are a scam, dude. Not to mention, they're totally bogus." Well, you can be sure I never broached that subject with the man again. It was probably for the best that he never filed a patent or sought mass distribution. He was always giving his inventions idiotic names like the Gorbachev 3000 and the Garibaldi 5000. Who would ever buy a machine with a name like that?

Still, the devices themselves were impressive. Joe once created a toaster that came with virtual reality goggles whereby you could see what the toast looked like inside the toaster and then eject it once it had reached the toastiness of your choosing. The only problem was that the graphics were a little too realistic. Our colleague, Matthew, became convinced that he was actually being burned alive inside a giant toaster and, in his attempt to escape, ran face first into a wall, thus smashing the goggles and rendering them useless. I pointed out to Joe that even without the goggles, the toaster still worked in a conventional manner. To which he replied, "You just don't get me, man."

Then there was the device you were supposed to wear in your sleep. It functioned more or less like an alarm clock. Except, rather than making a sound to wake you up, it gave you a series of small electrical jolts at increasing voltages until you got out of bed. He said it also doubled as a way of making people talk, but I never quite understood what he meant by that.

And who could forget Joe's famous pheromone detector. He created a device that looked quite similar to a television remote control, but when you pointed it at a female and pushed a button, it would tell you whether the woman was ovulating or menstruating. If she was ovulating it would play a recording of Joe's voice saying, "Make your move, dude." If she was menstruating the recording would announce, "Red alert, dude. Evacuate the premises." I found it to be quite a handy little device. However, once the women around the office realized the purpose of the thing, one of them unceremoniously crushed it under her stiletto right in front of myself and Joe. After the woman in question had stormed off, Joe informed me, "Well, I guess you don't need a Cycle Psychic 4000 to know that she's in red alert territory."

Joe's talent of invention was not limited to gadgets and gizmos. He also created many practical things. His own homemade duct tape, for example. You might be asking yourself why anyone would bother making their own duct tape, a commodity that is both inexpensive and readily available the world over. I had the same question. One day I decided to pose this query to Joe. By way of explanation, Joe took me downstairs to his van. He then proceeded to give me an interactive demonstration of how a person who found themselves confined by conventional, store-bought duct tape, could fairly easily release themselves from such constraints. Joe's homemade duct tape, by comparison, is virtually unbreakable. When I asked Joe why he would need to worry about the durability of duct tape with respect to essentially hog tying a human being, he told me not to worry about it. So, worry I did not.

Joe's homemade rope seemed to have similar qualities that made it superior to store-bought rope, which Joe considers to be mass produced garbage. My first demonstration of Joe's rope was when he used it to suspend me fourteen floors above the cold, unforgiving New York City asphalt. That was during a live broadcast you may recall in which I single handedly saved a man's life. After that event I asked Joe how he could have been so certain that his rope would hold and not allow me to plummet to my death. His reply was simply, "Did you die?" As I was not, in fact, dead, I certainly couldn't argue with his logic. Still, I was curious about how he had tested this product in which he had so much confidence. Again, I was escorted to his van and given an interactive demonstration of how impossible it was to escape the confines of Joe's homemade rope. Once more, I thought to inquire as to why he would need that particular quality in a length of rope. But the windowless van smelled like death and I was anxious to get out of there, so I let it go.

I realize I have painted a picture of Joe as a resourceful man who is adored and respected by his coworkers. This may be too rosy an image for this particular man. I would be remiss in ignoring the fact that there is a darker side to Joe. He is generally approached with a sense of fearful respect by his colleagues—even those who have known him for many years. We've learned that he has a bit of a vindictive nature. I won't go into the details of how far he went to enact revenge on Catherine and myself for accidentally indulging in his tuna sandwich, which he had left in the communal refrigerator. However, I would like it on record that Catherine ate most of the sandwich. Joe also engaged in something of a manhunt when someone was, allegedly, stealing his gelato. Come to think of it, most of Joe's revenge plots are food related. Perhaps therein lies the key to unraveling the secrets of this man.

His vindictive nature aside, Joe has also demonstrated a propensity toward violence. Once, as we were leaving the building together, a man who was exiting just ahead of us failed to hold the door, causing it to slam in Joe's face. I watched as Joe proceeded to chase this man for three city blocks and then give him a beating so intense, the man was reduced to tears. While the average New Yorker may have responded in a similar manner to such an agitation, I feel a need to point out that a grievance does not necessarily have to be committed against Joe in order to propel him to a state of violence. Any simple adrenaline rush will do. I've witnessed Joe accidentally electrocute himself while attempting to install a hidden camera in Dave's office. (Don't mention that part to Dave.) The surge of adrenaline he received caused him to punch Matthew, who had been attempting to assist him, squarely in the nose. We all had a good laugh at that one. Everyone around the office has learned that it's best to handle Joe with care. I don't mean that in the sense that he is delicate like a flower. I mean that in the sense that he is delicate like a bomb.

As a matter of fact, many people around the office have actually accused Joe of being the Unabomber. Can you imagine? The mere idea is nothing short of absurdity. For one thing, the Unabomber abhorred technology. I have never seen anyone who embraced technology as much as our dear friend Joe. Secondly, they already caught the Unabomber. And if we can say one thing for certain about our criminal justice system, it is that we can be sure we always get the right man. I mean, the true bomber pled guilty and, certainly, I cannot think of a single situation in which someone would be persuaded to plead guilty when they were, in fact, innocent. The allegations around the water cooler surrounding Joe's involvement with those crimes are, as he would put it himself, totally bogus.

It is no wonder that a conspiracy theory has arisen involving Joe, for he is somewhat of a master of conspiracy theories himself. This is a man who believes that NASA stands for Never a Straight Answer. Joe holds firm to the idea that the government is involved in a massive conspiracy to cover up the discovery of alien bodies which are stored at a secluded facility called Area 52. Don't bother asking him about Area 51. I assure you that you will regret it. He has lived every moment of his life within the confines of New York City because he believes that is the best method to prevent alien abduction. If you ask Joe, the moon landing is fake, the president is a semi-sentient robot, and all forms of news media are nothing more than propaganda intended to brainwash the masses and turn us all into docile cows. This, in spite of the fact that he works for the news media. I do not attempt to make sense of the man's theories, for Joe is an enigma in and of himself. After all, no one even knows his last name.[1]

[1] Editor's note: Joe's last name is Garrelli.