Chapter 3

The Most Ambitious Shitpost In Fan Fiction History

As Jaune's call echoed throughout Atlas, Oscar felt the ground begin to rumble. From within the city came a veritable army of soldiers, thousands of them, some running and some flying. All of them were heading to meet Salem head on.

"You fools!" her voice bellowed from atop her Grimm mount. "With the power of the four Infinity Maidens, I control all aspects of the universe!"

"She has them all?" Oscar gasped.

(I don't remember calling them that,) Ozpin added. (I fear we may have ended up in yet another alternate world.)

Oh yeah? What gave you that idea?

As the mob began to run past them, Oscar could make out faces he recognized. He saw Yang Xiao Long, her fists glowing like superheated metal. Running alongside her looked like Blake Belladonna, but clad entirely in a skin-tight black suit, complete with cat ears and claws.

"Penny!" Oscar broke away from his amazement. "This clearly isn't the right place. We need to try again!"

"I am ready when you are," Penny replied, before a particularly hard blow from Neo broke her grasp on the woman.

For a split second Penny's grasp loosed, and Neo took the chance. She kicked the robot off her, springing up onto her feet. With a quick dash she made her way to the boy with the Relic, but this time it wasn't her goal.

She snatched the remote from out of his hand; it was this thing that kept pushing them into new worlds. With this, she could get back to Roman, but she had to ditch the others first.

Penny tried several quick jabs to stop her, but Neo was too agile, being only slightly nicked by them. She took off sprinting as fast as she could into the fray that was unfolding.

Salem was here, and her forces were raining down havoc upon Atlas. The army of Atlesians resisting were all dressed strangely; they fought back with a variety of semblances Neo had never seen before. She didn't have time to spectate, though; Roman was waiting.

She dodged an incoming Grimm and a redheaded girl with a giant hammer calling down lightning from the storm clouds. She wasn't noticed, and that was her plan: zip through the chaos until she could find a chance to hide.

This was going to be harder than she thought, as Salem began to rain down small meteors from the sky, each one slamming into the ground with a purposeful thud, throwing up debris and dirt into the air.

Neo had to get out of there fast, or she would never get the chance to see him again.

"No!" Oscar shouted as Neo took off into the distance with the device. "You had one job, Penny!"

"It's fine," Penny beamed back. "I placed a tracking device on her as she ran past. She won't be able to hide for long!"

"Oh, how convenient," Oscar sighed. "What if she destroys it? Or tosses it off the city?"

"Good point…" Penny acknowledged. With a burst of power she activated her boot thrusters. "I'll be right back, Oscar!" she shouted, before zipping off in the general direction of Neo's trail.

"And what am I supposed to do here?!" Oscar shouted, but Penny had already disappeared. Hellfire had begun to rain down upon the battlefield as strange and wild fighters struggled against the Grimm onslaught, Salem watching from high above.

Weiss Schnee fired arrows of ice, sniping Grimm out of the sky as Ruby, flying in her armor, zapped at the beasts with magic lasers from her hands and chest.

"What are you doing?" an annoyed voice yelled in Oscar's direction. A dog Faunus with a leather jacket and twin pistols came around the corner.

Is that Marrow from the Ace Ops?

"I'm not sure if you noticed," Marrow said, "but there's kind of a battle going on? Maybe help out?"

"What am I supposed to do against those things?" Oscar shot back.

Another soldier, a woman with green skin, navy blue hair and a weapon that looked like two crossbows joined together in a staff, joined the man. "What's the problem?"

She was one of Robyn's huntresses, wasn't she? I think her name was May.

"This punk suddenly doesn't want to fight," Marrow said.

May looked visibly agitated, pointing her weapon in the direction of the conflict. "Get your web slinging ass out there before I punt you out there!"

Web...slinging?

(I believe she has mistaken you for someone else…)

Thanks, I didn't realize.

"C'mon, babe," Marrow said as he began to head to battle. "Munchkin here can sit in time out, we've got business to handle."

"Don't call me babe," May sighed, following him.

(It would probably be prudent to stay hidden until Penny gets back.) Ozpin suggested.

Oscar groaned. He didn't want to keep hiding and waiting on Penny, but he wasn't entirely sure his skills would be enough to take on the Grimm. Either way, he was sidelined until Penny returned.

If she returned at all.

Neo was fast running out of breath as she sprinted across the battlefield. If he could reach the edge of the city, Hush could carry her down to Mantle where she could easily hide.

Just as she thought she might finally be free, a meteor landed in her path, stopping her dead in her tracks. As the dust settled, however, she realized it wasn't a meteor at all. It was Penny.

At least, she looked like Penny, but her normal green and white outfit was black and red and crimson energy flowed out from her fingertips. Her eyes shone with the same bright color, and Neo had a feeling her escape was being complicated.

"You took...everything from me!" The girl said. Neo didn't even know who she was.

She felt an incredible force wrap around her body, hoisting her into the air as the red Penny contorted her fingers, blood red energy spilling out from them. This was it, she was trapped. She clutched the remote tightly in her hand. If only she could reach the central flashing button, she could be free.

"Stop right there!" the cheery voice of the real Penny grated at Neo's ears. She had caught up with her somehow.

"Back off," the red Penny growled. "She's mine!"

"I'm sorry," actual Penny replied. "I need to borrow Miss Neo for a while."

The girl looked just like her, albeit with much worse taste in fashion. She also seemed to be exuding an incredible amount of aura, trapping Neo in midair. It looked quite painful.

Penny activated Floating Array; she didn't want to fight this alternate version of herself, but she needed the remote back. She also needed Neo, too.

She thrust her weapons forwards, knocking the red copy off balance as she tried to defend herself. As Penny yanked the strings on her blades back, she angled them upwards, allowing them to wrap around Neo's floating body. As the weapons spun around her, the strings became taut and Penny pulled hard.

Neo was now ensnared by both the red Penny's aura binds and Floating Array's strings. "Hold on, Miss Neo!" Penny shouted as her thrusters kicked into high gear. She blasted off, yanking Neo free.

Penny took to the air, flying back towards the city proper with Neo wrapped tightly behind her, dodging meteors and Grimm all the while.

An enormous explosion caught Penny's attention as she flew, trying to look behind while not running into anything. The behemoth Grimm that Salem had rode in on had taken a major hit and was falling out of the sky. It was coming down directly onto the battlefield.

"We have to hurry!" Penny shouted. "Oscar is waiting just over there!"

The boy had hidden once more in an alleyway and Penny came in hot, landing with a hard clank on the concrete. Neo followed, with much less grace, as she skidded to a stop.

"I'm so sorry, Miss Neo!" Penny said.

"That's what she gets for stealing the remote!" Oscar scoffed.

The remote! Penny recalled Floating Array and inspected Neo's hands; she still held the device tightly. Removing it from her hand, she handed the device to Oscar.

"Which button do we press to go home?" he asked, as if Penny might know the answer.

"I'm not sure," she admitted.

"How am I supposed to know that?" Oscar shouted.

Oh! He must be speaking with Ozpin.

The ground began to quake severely; the giant Grimm must have touched down finally. They needed to hurry.

"We need to leave quickly!" Penny advised.

"We're trying to figure it out!" Oscar replied.

The low rumble of an incoming shockwave triggered Penny's self-preservation alarms. They could not wait any long.

She lunged forward and grabbed the remote from Oscar, pressing the glowing central button with all her might. The now familiar light enveloped them as the destructive force of the shockwave washed over the city.

Oscar didn't know for sure where they had ended up this time, but the architecture reminded him of Mistral. It was still night; not the same night obviously, but the streets of the town were lit up with hanging lanterns just like he remembered. They had ended up on a street corner with a stone walkway heading to another level of the city.

"Why did you do that?" Oscar asked Penny, frustration in his voice. If they were ever going to find their way home, they would need to understand how the remote worked. Ozpin had proposed that they may be able to step backwards through the worlds they have visited, or perhaps enter specific coordinates for their home world.

But Penny had reacted hastily, and now they were even further from Atlas. Further from home.

"I'm sorry," Penny sulked.

"How can you be so careless?" Oscar shouted, his temper overflowing now. "Aren't you supposed to be better than normal humans? You almost let Neo get away with our only way home, and now we don't know where we are again."

(Oscar,) Ozpin said, (Penny only did what she thought was right. Yelling will not solve our…)

"No!" Oscar said aloud. "I need to get home! I need to help Ruby and the others."

Neo got up off the ground, dusting herself off.

"And you!" Oscar turned to her.

Neo pointed at herself in surprise.

"Yes, you! What were you trying to accomplish with that stunt? Did you want to stay in that alternate universe? Ozpin says you're some sort of master criminal, but you seem pretty stupid to me!"

Neo started back at him with a blank look on her face.

"Well?" Oscar stomped his foot at Neo. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

She simply pointed to her mouth and gave a quick head shake.

"I don't think she can speak," Penny added.

"Oh that's just great!" Oscar threw his arms up in frustration. "I'm stuck in an alternate reality with an incompetent robot and a brainless mute thief!"

In a cloud of pink dust, Neo shrunk down and transformed before Oscar's eyes into an exact copy of himself. She then proceeded to make several unflattering expressions, throwing a silent tantrum.

"That's not helping!" Oscar yelled.

Neo transformed back, a devious grin on her face.

"Hey, hey, who's making all that noise?" a gruff voice called out to them. From out of a nearby building stumbled a very drunk man with messy black hair and desperate need of a razor.

"Qrow?" Oscar said, hesitant to speak to anyone from this reality for fear of what strange traits they may unveil. The stumbling Qrow seemed as normal as ever, but Oscar wasn't going to let his guard down.

Qrow took a swig from his flash and wiped his lips. "Kid?" he said in shock. "What're you doing out here?"

(Another case of mistaken identity?) Ozpin suggested.

Qrow came over to them and snatched Oscar by the wrist, pulling him away. "Come on, back to the house you go."

"Wait!" Oscar shouted. "I'm not who you think I am!"

"Yeah, Ozpin's comin' too. You won't escape the girls that easily."

They had definitely come to Mistral; Qrow had taken Oscar back to the same lodge they had stayed in. The same place he had first met all of them. Despite his persistence, nothing about this world seemed any different from what he remembered.

Qrow threw upon the door to the lodge and tossed Oscar in roughly. "Girls!" he shouted, "Did you lose something?"

"Oscar!" came the sweet sound of Ruby's voice. It brought a smile to Oscar's face, but as she rounded the corner the smile faded.

Ruby Rose came into the living room dressed in a miniature black bikini, leather knee high boots and leather gloves, with a folded up whip in her hand.

"I'm glad you decided to come back," Ruby said with a devilish smirk. "The fun's just getting started."