Over the course of a year, Claire kept busy helping Anders at the clinic, and to start, he asked her to join him to save mages, but that grew less and less as time went on. Anders could tell she was still depressed, she was having trouble just living and taking care of herself, and he worried more about her, uncertain how to help her. He'd found out that Varric had helped her escape to Tevinter all those years ago, but even then she rarely went to the Hanged Man to speak with him, despite Anders going up to play Wicked Grace every so often, and the dwarf was forced to go to her if he wanted to talk.
One night he found himself going up just to speak with Varric, his concern for Claire becoming worse. Varric was alone in his room and welcomed Anders in with a smile.
"What can I do for you, Blondie?" He asked.
"I need help." He said. "I'm at a loss, and I don't know what to do. Claire is slipping away. Whatever those Templars did to her... I can't lose her again and I don't know how to heal her mind."
"Have you tried talking to her about it?" Varric asked, at a loss himself. "I know she hasn't listened to a damn thing I have to say."
"She tells me nothing is wrong." Anders said. "She won't talk about it, and I think she doesn't want to hurt me, but she doesn't realize watching her like this hurts enough. I feel helpless."
"Have you actually tried healing her mind? I admit I know less about healing than I care to admit, but surely there's something you can try. Those Templars had to have done something that can be reversed."
"I'll try... I shouldn't leave her for long, but I needed to talk..."
Claire found herself staring out into the river again, feeling that call to jump like she'd felt when she'd first arrived in Kirkwall. She couldn't, she knew it would hurt Anders too much and there was no way she could do that to him again, but the feeling was plaguing her. She felt so lost and alone, even with Anders there. He was always so busy, and she didn't want to get in his way, but that only contributed to her depression. Had spending almost a year being tortured by the Templars really ruin her so badly that she couldn't even bring herself to live?
She suddenly wanted Anders. She wanted to hold him, to have him assure her that everything was all right and that he still loved her, but he was gone to Maker knew where. She continued to stare into the river, feeling such a weight on her she wasn't sure she could move even if she wanted to.
"Claire!" A voice called from the door of the clinic, and she turned to see Hawk standing there with Fenris. "Do you know where your husband is?" He seemed far too cheerful.
"No, he just stepped out for a moment." She said, forcing herself to walk over to them. "Was there something I could help you with?"
"Oh, I don't know, I just wanted to kill some slavers with him is all." He laughed. "I don't suppose you're interested?"
"I'm sorry, not today." She said, feeling worse that she couldn't even bring herself to want to hunt slavers. She had all that power and she was wasting it by wasting away with depression. Hawke took her hand and held it tightly, making her feel anxious.
"Come on, we'll be back before he even notices you're gone." He said. She saw Fenris giving him a confused and troubled look and wondered at it.
"Keep your hands off my wife." Anders growled from the door. She felt such relief at seeing Anders, but then the fear that he might assume something that didn't happen popped into her head.
Hawke quickly let go of her hand and put his hands up in surrender. "Hey, no worries, just wanted to hunt some slavers and you've been keeping her cooped up in here for a year, I thought it might be good for her to get out and get some fresh air."
"Thank you, Hawke, but not now." Anders said, sternly, as if telling off a small child.
"As you wish." Hawke said, then left, taking an overly confused Fenris with him.
"Are you all right?" Anders turned to Claire, putting his hand on her shoulder. She didn't know why she felt so self conscious, and fearful of how he felt about her. She wanted to rush into his arms, but there was too much fear and she couldn't make sense of any of it. Instead, she dropped to the floor, sobbing while she shook her head. He embraced her, and just held her as she cried, without saying a word.
"I'm here for you, Claire, no matter what." He murmured as she calmed down. "I don't know how to help you, but I want to. I can't stand to see you like this."
"I don't know what's wrong with me..." She said. "I don't want to live, I can barely bring myself to do anything anymore, and that just makes it worse..."
"Have you tried healing yourself?" He asked, desperate. "Can I try? There must be something we can do."
"Heal...?" She frowned. "I didn't even think of that. Do you think the Templars did something to injure my brain? Can one even heal emotions?"
"It's worth a try!" He said, his voice cracking. "I can't lose you again..." He took her head in his hands and closed his eyes. She could feel something happening, and then there was a sort of a snap sound, and she was suddenly in the Fade, facing what could only be a Despair demon.
Anders began freaking out when Claire went limp in his arms. "Claire!" He yelled, but she didn't move. He'd broken her, he'd killed his wife. But no, he could still feel a heartbeat, she was still breathing, so he quickly moved her to the back, to their bed, and laid her down.
"Please, Claire, wake up." He brushed her hair away from her face and absentmindedly traced a finger along her scars. He noticed the looks she got because of them, and her white left eye, but she acted like it didn't bother her. How much she'd been hiding... the pain, everything she'd been through, she didn't deserve it. It made his anger at the Templars and the Circle grow even more. All he wanted was a world where he and Claire could live together in peace, where other mages could as well, where anyone could love whoever they wanted.
He laid down beside her and tried to heal her more, but she stayed asleep.
Claire stared at the demon, and realized the Templars had done something to connect it to her, without her being possessed, and the weakened Veil in Kirkwall was probably helping it get to her better. How, she wasn't sure, but whatever Anders had done, it helped her see it for what it was, and she grew angry.
"How dare you harass me!" She yelled.
"You are full of pain..." Its voice was more like a hiss, faint and slow. "Guilt. Despair."
"Leave me be or I will be forced to kill you." She said, making it laugh, if it could even be called that.
"Powerful though you may be, your despair is too strong. You lack the confidence to fight back." Claire gasped as she was brought to her knees, filled with despair, all the memories of the past flooding her. She could see Cedrik's face staring at her with his dead eyes, Duncan as he was killed again, Anders being stabbed, Abelia being abandoned, things she didn't even realize she was holding onto still. She was overwhelmed by everything, locked in a nightmare she couldn't escape. She started running down a dark empty hallway, trying to outrun it, no longer thinking rationally, but everywhere she turned, there was something else to remind her of her failings. She would always fail, she could never do right, she might as well just die.
She stopped suddenly, feeling a strange warmth spreading through her, and she felt like she woke up, seeing clearly again and realizing what the demon was doing. She was a somniari, she was powerful, why was she letting this demon tell her what to do? She latched onto her anger and faced the demon, not giving it a second chance before she attacked it with everything she had. It teleported behind her, but she anticipated something like that happening and blasted again. She started getting even more angry as it continued to dodge, and forced the Fade to bend to her will, trapping the demon so she could end it once and for all.
She stood there, panting, as the demon dissipated, leaving her free. A weight felt like it had lifted off of her, and while she still felt all of the negative feelings about the past, they weren't smothering her and dragging her down anymore. Perhaps she could finally start to heal, and live again.
When she woke, Anders was asleep beside her, and even in the dim light she could tell his eyes were red. She put her hand on his shoulder and rested her forehead against his.
"Anders..." She murmured. He twitched, so she kissed him on the nose, and he woke up with a start.
"Oh Maker, Claire, I thought I hurt you..."
"I'm fine, Anders, really." She said. "You helped me find the cause of my despair... and while I'm not completely healed, I still feel depressed, it's not... overwhelming anymore. There was a demon attached to me, a demon of Despair, feeding off my negative emotions and dragging me down."
"A demon?" Anders caressed her head, staring into her eyes.
"I think the Templars must have gotten it attached to me somehow, without it possessing me." She said. "Thank you for helping me. I'm sorry I didn't figure it out sooner, I feel bad enough about that."
"No, don't put that on yourself." He said. "I don't need you dragging yourself down with guilt or regret again. You're my life, I can't bear to see you in pain." She kissed him and smiled.
"So long as I have you, I'll be fine." She said.
The following day, Claire realized exactly how long she'd been under the demon's influence as she looked around the clinic. She could remember Hawke saying Anders was keeping her hidden away for a year... She had lost a year with Anders, she couldn't even really remember it at all, except bits and pieces of the first half, when she went out to help Anders save mages. She could have been doing so much more to help, yet she'd lost herself to the despair. How could it have been so long?
Hawke came in, and though she wasn't sure what they were talking about, Claire could tell Anders wasn't happy about it. Frustrated himself, Hawke walked off.
"Anders, I'm sorry." She said, walking up to him. "How did I lose a year of my life? A year with you?"
"How do you mean?" He asked.
"I wasn't really living, I don't remember much of anything after the first half of a year here, and even that's a blur." She frowned. "I helped you to start, didn't I? I wasn't completely useless?" He quickly kissed her, trying to smile.
"Please don't worry about it." He said. "You're here now, and you're better. I will ensure you don't lose yourself again." She wasn't comforted by the fact that he didn't deny her being useless, but she had to remind herself not to let herself feel too bad and work harder in the future.
"Thank you." She hugged him slowly, cautiously. "I'll be a better help, to make up for lost time. I feel like I've lost two years now, and I don't want to miss any more."
"Oh, Anders, I just had a –" Hawke came back in and stopped, staring at the pair embracing. "Oh, am I interrupting something?" He had a smirk, and Anders pinched the bridge of his nose before turning around.
"What was it you needed?" Anders asked.
"Oh, it was just a thought, but I've suddenly forgotten what it was." Claire could tell Hawke enjoyed annoying Anders, though she wasn't sure why. He couldn't be envious, could he? He'd had a whole year with Anders without knowing about her... He looked at her and said, "You've been hiding here, doing nothing but staring out that window for the past year or so... what changed?"
"I was depressed." Claire shrugged. "I mean, I still am, but... Anders talked to me, and helped me realize I was slowly killing myself and needed to snap out of it. I realized, I've just been sitting here in this clinic, doing nothing, when I could be out there helping people who may be going through what I went through, what Anders went through..."
"Oh, sure, because we need more rogue mages running around." He said it with a smile, but it seemed like he was actually serious while trying to pass it off as joking. She had to remind herself of everything he'd been through, because there was a good chance he was hurting inside and didn't want to bring everyone else down with him.
"I will try to keep my bias in check." Claire said. "I know that while I fear the Templars because of what I went through, and what I've seen others go through, that they're not all bad. I also know that it's those in charge who are allowing the abuses to go unchecked, which is a bigger problem. You can want a Circle all day long, but if you don't keep it in check, it will fall to chaos and then you won't have to worry about the few blood mages or abominations, it'll be a full on war." She saw Anders looking at her in surprise, and she knew he was understanding her meaning. He'd seen the city in her dream...
"So what, you want me to fight against the Templars then?" Hawke asked, his calm demeanor cracking as his anger and frustration started coming out. "Just throw away everything I've fought for?"
"I want you to fight for what's right." Claire said. "You know Templars abusing their power is wrong, why won't you fight that? Why don't you ask the knight-commander why she sits in her tower and does nothing to keep her people in check? Why don't you ask Elthina why she claims to be neutral while siding with the Templars completely? She leads the mages on, and she will continue to do so until she dies." She felt Anders hands on her shoulders and it gave her a bit of strength. She hadn't realized she'd started crying again.
"You know nothing of what's going on in this city." Hawke growled. "I would appreciate it if you stayed out of my business!" He stormed out of the clinic, slamming the door behind him.
"I'm sorry, Anders..." Claire turned and laid her head against his shoulder.
"I've been trying to get to him for two years now." He murmured. "Don't worry about it. But... what you said, it's true, isn't it?"
"You saw that vision..." Claire sighed. "I don't know when, exactly, it'll take a while, so we have time to... I don't know, try to stop it? Warn the people before it's too late?"
"But they won't listen. It seems fate is more set in stone than I thought, and we cannot change it."
"No, that can't be true." Claire said. "I know I can change things, but... some of the things I can change, I don't want to, because they're needed, or they're the best path to take. You'll see, and perhaps in time, you'll understand why things must go as they do." He moved a little so he could kiss her, and she melted into it, wishing she'd not wasted an entire year moping around.
"Now that you're better, will you come with me, to help mages again?"
"Of course." She smiled, but then frowned as she realized she needed to tell Anders what she could do. How upset would he be to learn she'd gone behind his back like that? Perhaps once he saw the good it could do...
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I'm sorry, it's just... Anders... I don't know how to tell you, I don't want you to get mad, but you need to know what... what I learned how to do..."
"Does this have anything to do with going into the Fade physically?" He asked. She nodded slowly. "I already know, love. I watched you disappear on more than one occasion back in Amaranthine, when you thought I wasn't looking."
"But... you never said anything? I thought you'd be mad."
"I was upset at first, yes." Anders shrugged. "I thought you were going to get yourself killed... until I realized the possibilities, and that it was worth the risks for you to learn it."
"I wish you'd told me, though... you were waiting for me to come to you, weren't you?"
"Yes." He said. "But, you never had the chance, and this past year, you've not done it at all, have you?"
"No... there was no reason for me to, or so I thought." She said. "But now, now all I can think about is putting these abilities to good use. Of course, I have to be careful. I can't let the Templars know what I can do, I can't let them have any excuse to kill more mages..."
"I don't need you putting yourself at risk again." Anders said. "Not like that. I want you to be careful, please."
"I will be." She smiled softly. "I've learned a few tricks to help with that. I can fully shield my magic, and I can slip partway into the Fade so that I'm invisible. No one would ever know. Of course, they'll get suspicious if mages just start disappearing, so I'll have to be careful with that..."
"The Maker surely blessed you, for all that you've been through."
"The Maker certainly blessed me with you." She laughed. And, it had happened naturally, over many years... it still felt like a dream, a dream she never wanted to wake up from.