Oscar and the Hunt for Overused Jokes
He did what he had to do, and even the nagging voice in his mind could convince him otherwise. All that mattered was getting home and saving their world from destruction; the relic was a small price to pay.
Ozpin had fallen silent, or Oscar had succeeded in blocking him out. Either way, the only sounds he could hear was the chirping of birds amongst the trees. He had appeared in the middle of a forest with a small dirt path cutting through. Following the path led him to a clearing.
"Woah…" Oscar was in awe. Off in the distance stood a massive stone castle, surrounded by at least thirty red roofed houses all contained within a great wall. The road from the forest led straight up to it, and Oscar decided that the castle must be the location of the fuel source.
As he approached, he found himself staring at a massive wooden gate guarded by two soldiers in old fashioned plate armor.
"Halt!" one soldier commanded. "The city is closed to all outsiders."
"Did something happen here?" Oscar inquired, trying to gather information.
The guard looked at his partner, before returning his attention to Oscar. "Surely you've heard of the bandits running rampant in this kingdom?"
"I'm not actually from here," Oscar feigned.
"You'd be wise to return to your homeland," the other guard suggested.
I'm trying…
"The Xiao Long bandits have plagued this kingdom for months," the first guard explained. "They started attacking caravans and travelers, then began to sack small villages. The city of Schneeburg is the last safe haven, but several bandit spies have been caught within our walls."
The other guard continued, "Under the orders of King Jacques Schnee, first of his name, all travelers in or out of the city are forbidden unless expressly permitted by the royal house. I'm sorry, son, but your journey ends here."
Oscar had to think quickly. If Jacques was the king of this city, surely Weiss was a princess. He just had to think of how he could get to her.
Trying his best to look official, Oscar took out The Long Memory and extended it to rest upon the ground. "I suppose it's a good thing that I am, in fact, a guest of House Schnee."
"Come again?" the guards didn't seem to believe him.
"Ah yes," Oscar continued, "I'm Princess Weiss' instructor."
"Aren't you a little young?"
Crap, they're not buying it.
"Wait," the other guard interrupted. "That's the legendary cane of the sorcerer Ozma!"
"Ah," Oscar flourished the cane. "So you have heard of me. I trust I'll be admitted into the city for my duties?"
"There's just one issue," the guard said. "But you should speak to the King immediately. He will likely be in need of your assistance, Great One."
Great, as if this couldn't be any more complicated.
Kidnapped. Princess Weiss Schnee had been taken from her bedroom in the dark of night, and King Jacques had suspected the Xiao Long tribe.
"Vagrants, every last one of them!" he explained as Oscar stood at the foot of his throne, listening intently.
"Have they made any demands, Your Highness?" Oscar asked.
"Of course they have," Jacques replied, "but I don't negotiate with bandits. They will get nothing from me."
"Aren't you worried at all about your daughter?"
"Lord Ozma," the King continued, "I have three children. While I am undoubtedly saddened by the loss of my dear Weiss, I simply cannot concede the Kingdom's treasured gemstones. Weiss will be missed, but the Kingdom will move on."
Oscar couldn't believe what he was hearing. "She's your daughter!" He persisted. "What gems could possibly be worth more than her life?"
Jacques rose from his throne, a stern gaze on his face. "Come with me," he said flatly.
The King led Oscar down a side chamber through a series of small corridors deep within the castle until they reached a large ornate door guarded by two men in more decorative armor than the city guards. The immediately stepped aside as King Jacques entered the room and beckoned Oscar to follow.
Inside lay heaps of shiny blue crystals, shimmering and sparkling with every flicker of the torch lights. They looked just like Jaune Solo had described them, the TITS fuel source Oscar had been sent for.
"These gems have been a family keepsake of mine for generations," the King explained. "The ancient priests told my ancestors that it held a mystical power, and that it should never fall into the hands of darkness. Those damned bandits are after my treasure and I will never allow them to have it, even if I must lose all of my children."
Even in this world Jacques took things to the extreme. Oscar thought he might be able to quickly grab a handful of TITS and warp back, but it would likely not be enough. And convincing Jacques to lend him some of his precious gemstones would be a fruitless endeavor.
"Where are these bandits located?" Oscar asked. "I may be able to retrieve the Princess myself. That way you do not have to bargain."
"Good luck with that," Jacques cackled. "The Xiao Long bandits number in the thousands. I've heard tales of your magic, Lord Ozma, but I fear even you would be no match for them."
"I'm still going to try," Oscar stood firm. "Do you know where I can find them?"
Jacques sighed out of frustration. "My scouts inform me they've set up a base in the next town over. It used to be known as Vale, but those damn bandits turned it inside out."
"Good," Oscar turned to make his exit from the treasure room. "I'll start there."
"They'll eat you alive," Jacques grumbled.
Past the city of Schneeburg, down the dirt road through the nearby forest, Oscar eventually came upon a small village nestled within the trees. Just like the city, guards stood watch over the town entrance, and while they wore more primitive armor, they were no less fearsome.
As Oscar neared the entrance both guards readied their arms. "Who goes there?"
"I am Ozma," Oscar fibbed, "I've come to speak with your leader."
"Ozma the wizard?" A confused look came over the guards. "I thought Ozma died years ago!"
Oscar whipped out The Long Memory, just as he had with Jacques. "I'm not very good at staying dead, you know."
The guards' eyes widened and they bolted off into the town, howling all the way.
(Curious, nobody in Schneeburg mentioned the great Lord Ozma being deceased.)
Oh, now you decide to show up?
(I thought you may need actual magic, my Lord.)
Oscar didn't care for Ozpin's condescending tone, but it was nice to have some company again. He twirled his cane as he began making his way inside the bandit camp.
The town seemed empty, but Oscar could feel eyes upon him as he strolled through. "I can assure you I mean no harm!" he called out. "I seek the counsel of your leader."
"Your kind is not welcome here!" a woman's voice called out. From the threshold of the one of the larger buildings stepped a woman with black and red hair, an intimidating scythe at the ready.
"Ah," Oscar sighed, "It's good to see you Ruby. I am in nee—"
"Enough!" the woman slammed her scythe into the ground with a heavy thud. "Do not speak my daughter's name, mage."
Daughter?
(Oh dear, this is certainly a surprise.)
"I am Summer Xiao Long, and you will pay for tearing my family apart!"
Nothing made sense anymore. Jacques Schnee was sitting on a hoard of crystals he knew nothing about, Weiss was kidnapped, and now Ruby's mother was alive.
Oscar ducked just in time as Summer's scythe passed over his head; he retaliated with his cane, knocking away the weapon and gaining some distance.
"I don't want to fight you!" Oscar pleaded. "I need your help!"
Summer recovered her scythe and prepared another swing. "Curse you Ozma! You took my daughters from me! I would never help you!"
(Am I the villain in this world as well?)
A little less introspection, a little more help!
Oscar's eyes flashed bright yellow as Ozpin took over, backflipping away from Summer's strike. He flourished The Long Memory in preparation for more attacks.
"What have you done with the Schnee girl?" Ozpin asked.
"Her blood is but a small payment," Summer replied, whirling her scythe through the air wildly.
Ozpin dodged effortlessly, battering away her blows with his cane. "Why must the Schnees pay the price for a crime I supposedly committed?"
"Don't play dumb with me, mage!" Summer shouted. "We bandits fought for our rights, but that tyrant you call a king tried to drive us out! He will fall soon enough, but I will deliver your head to his doorstep!"
(Now it makes sense,) Ozpin spoke internally.
It does? Oscar wasn't following.
(King Jacques was not entirely honest with us, a shock I'm sure.)
So who's telling the truth?
(It's hard to tell, but my current theory is this: these bandits were citizens of this land, driven away by Jacques when he became King. Threatened by their uprising, he hired Lord Ozma to eradicate them, and it seems as though Miss Rose was a casualty, maybe even Miss Xiao Long. As retaliation, the bandits kidnapped and murdered Princess Weiss.)
But why did the bandits think Ozma was dead when Jacques didn't?
Ozpin met Summer's scythe mid-swing and the two locked their weapons. "Summer, if I may ask a question."
"You talk too much!" Summer grunted, struggling to force her blade down.
"Why did your men think I was dead? I just recently visited the 'tyrant King' and he did not seem to think I was a ghost."
"We know how Jacques treats his men, even those as loyal as you. Our spies within the Kingdom confirmed you were assassinated by his hand."
Ozpin broke the stalemate, ducking under Summer's swing and smacking her square in the face with his cane. She stumbled backwards and hit the dirt.
"It seems we have been played for fools," Ozpin theorized. "I agreed to return his daughter to him, but I can assure you my motives are not in line with those of the King."
(I need a moment to regain my strength,) Ozpin faded and Oscar was back in control of his body.
"Speak plainly," Summer demanded as she stood and readied her scythe once more.
"We have a common enemy," Oscar said calmly, "As it happens I need the treasure Jacques hordes in his castle. Let us join forces, storm his sanctuary and take back this land."
Oscar extended a hand towards Summer, but she turned her back on him. "My people will bring Jacques to his knees, but I will not ally myself with a child murderer."
Her words stung. Even though Oscar hadn't done the things Summer accused him of, this world's version of him certainly did. He had never considered that, in all the worlds he had traveled so far, someone like him could be so evil.
(Do not let her words trouble you, Oscar. Focus on getting the fuel for your journey home, so that you may do good in our own world.)
...Right.
As the sun sank low and the skies burned a fiery orange, the Xiao Long bandits, two hundred strong, marched on the city of Schneeburg. Oscar kept his distance, unwilling to take on an entire army convinced that he murdered their leader's daughter.
With only two guards posted at the gates of the city, taking over seemed like it would be an easy task. Oscar was therefore shocked to see that the city had upgraded its defenses considerably since he had been gone. An army of soldiers stood ready outside the gates, and archers lined the castle walls, arrows nocked and ready to loose.
Summer hoisted her scythe high into the air. "For our sons! For our daughters! For our land!" Rousing cheers met her from all around, and the bandits began their charge.
Like a human wall the bandits crashed into the soldiers, swords and spears flailing. The clangs of steel on steel echoed through the air as the cries of men and women rumbled the earth. The archers lit their arrows and were sending volleys into the fray, unconcerned with friendly fire.
(Let's show them the real power of the great Lord Ozma.)
You're the magic one, not me.
(We're one in the same, Oscar. Think of the world we need to get back to. Think of Miss Rose. Focus that energy into the cane and unleash it.)
Oscar focused deeply, drowning out the sounds of combat. The last time he saw her.
"I think you're needed elsewhere." He wanted to say so much more, but Marrow was waiting for her.
"You're sure?" she had asked. It was risky, telling Ironwood about Ozpin's secrets. About Salem's immortality. James was so sure of his plan, and Oscar was about to throw the biggest wrench he could find into it.
"Yeah, I've got it." He couldn't ask that of her. Ozpin was him now, and he was Ozpin. It was only right that he confronted James himself.
As he tried to leave, he couldn't help but steal one last glance. She was also looking at him.
"Good luck in there."
"Good luck down there."
Oscar felt a rush of warmth overcome him. It started in his chest and rapidly spread outwards; all of his nerves began to scream with energy. As he opened his eyes, he saw that he was glowing; energy was flowing from his body into The Long Memory.
With a decisive wave, Oscar pointed the cane towards the castle wall where archers rained down their fiery death. Golden green energy exploded from his weapon, crashing into the wall and decimating the enemy forces. As the smoke and dust settled, a large gap had formed in the wall.
The bandits began to pour into the city, and Oscar was not far behind them.
As Summer's forces took to the streets in search of soldiers to slay, Oscar made his way to the castle and snuck inside. No one was in sight, so he acted quickly to make his way to the secret treasure room Jacques had shown him. To his surprise, the room was completely open and unguarded.
This is too perfect.
(A wise observation, do not let your guard down.)
As he entered the room of glistening blue crystals, the door slammed shut. King Jacques was waiting for him.
"Do you take me for a fool, boy?" he asked, a sinister growl in his voice.
Oscar readied The Long Memory for another attack. "Your city needs you, are you going to let them die too?"
"Do not change the subject," Jacques sneered. "I know you're not from this world, boy. Even if I hadn't murdered Ozma, you stand out like a sore thumb."
He knew?
(It seems we were careless to trust him.)
"I had hoped your stupidity would have gotten you killed by Summer's hands, but I suppose I was naive to think she would do my dirty work for me."
"So you knew she would try to kill me." Oscar said.
"I did try to warn you," Jacques replied. "But I knew you just couldn't resist."
"All I want is to take some of these crystals," Oscar explained. "I'll return to my world and you can do what you wish here."
"I know exactly what you want." Jacques took a large crystal and held it in his hands. "TITS are the key to the universe and reality itself. You think I was stockpiling them for fun? I have traveled more worlds than you can possibly imagine. Let that bitch Summer kill these worthless cretins, I'll find another world to rule."
"You're…" Oscar finally saw the truth. "You're not from here either?"
"Oh outstanding," Jacques clapped sarcastically, "You've passed the test. Now take your prize!" From his hip Jacques drew a high tech looking pistol and shot a blue laser blast towards Oscar. Slamming The Lost Memory on the ground created a shield around him, and the blast pinged off harmlessly.
Jacques tried to rush Oscar, but the farmboy was quick on his toes, slinking out of the way and sending a blast of magic into Jacques. To his surprise, the despot actually managed to take hold of the magic and collect it in his hand.
"Such primitive spells for a grand mage," he laughed, before throwing the energy back at Oscar. He managed to dive out of the way, but the resulting explosion sent him flying into a nearby wall.
Pain racked Oscar's body as he got to his feet. Come on, Oscar. You can do this. You have to do this. Ruby is counting on you.
Once again his body erupted in warmth, a feeling of love overtaking his entire being. Jacques' demeanour lost all confidence and he quickly began to panic.
The King pulled out a remote, eerily similar to the one that had started this entire mess. He was trying to escape to another world. Oscar could have just let him go at this point, but the man had caused too much death in one reality to be left alone.
Oscar dove at Jacques, taking hold of his arm as the light of transfer began to wrap around his body.
'You fool!" Jacques shrieked, "You'll collapse the sequence! It will kill you!"
"And you as well!" Oscar shouted back, pulling as hard as he could against the force of the warp. He strained with all his might, his feet beginning to slip and slide along the floor. Just as he felt he could hold on no longer, he felt the pull from the other side give way completely. The abrupt change in force sent him stumbling backwards.
As the light faded once more, Jacques body, or at least part of it, fell to the floor in a grotesque pile.
The rest of him must have ended up in another world.
(Good riddance. Now take what we came for and be off, quickly.)
The feeling of traveling had nearly normalized at this point, although Oscar wished each time it would have been his last.
Soon. We're almost home.
"I see you found the fuel," Jaune Solo greeted him as he acclimated back to the ship's environment.
At nearly the same time, two more flashes of light erupted; Penny and Neo had returned as well, each carrying a fair amount of blue crystals.
"It looks like we were all successful!" Penny grinned. "Now we will get to—"
Everything shook as a loud explosion rocked the ship. The entire crew fell to the floor and a high pitched alarm pierced the air.
"3PO!" Jaune called out. "What the hell just hit us?"
The golden android responded with a dreadful tone. "It's the Empire, sir. They've found us!"