Conversations

Chapter 7

Edward

Jacob POV

After I gorged myself on Esme's delicious Italian cooking, I passed out on the big couch in the living room, the stench of vampires that permeated the house no longer bothering my nose too much. By the time I woke, the sun was up, so I headed over to the cottage to say good morning to Ness. I noticed that Edward's scent was faded, like he hadn't been there in a while, and Bella confirmed he wasn't home when she opened the door. She said he'd stayed out in the woods when they'd finished hunting, presumably to wait for me. Since Nessie was still sleeping, I decided to take his bait. My conversation with Esme was still fresh in my mind, and I wanted to know, once and for all, what happened when he disappeared the first time. I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant, that it was probably going to aggravate my wolf.

Edward had killed people, I had no doubt. Before, I wouldn't have waited for explanations. But now, knowing so much more about what shaped Edward into who he was, I knew there was something missing still, something he seemed willing to share with me. Edward wanted me to know who he was; if he didn't, he would have put a stop to this somehow - told his family not to talk to me, or confronted me directly. Edward didn't have any problem confronting me – the conceited, confident teenager in him worked in that way. But that was before. We both knew we were forever tied, and we had to get along. It seemed that by meeting with me today, after I'd spoken to everyone else in the family, he was showing that he wanted me to see him as an individual, not as a former rival. Edward wanted me to know him like he knew me. Like he knew everyone.

I let my wolf come forth and searched out his scent. As his scent grew stronger and I got closer, I began to recognize where I was, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. I phased just inside the tree line and got dressed. Edward was standing in the middle of a meadow filled with the green of early April. I walked out to meet him, stopping a few paces away.

"This is the only place I know where no one will be close to us," he told me. "We can talk freely here, and I won't hear anyone's mind but yours."

It dawned on me then why I recognized this place. Back when Edward was gone, Bella had come here and encountered that dreadlocked bloodsucker Laurent. Lucky for her, the pack was already on his scent trail and we were able to rescue her. Maybe this place had some kind of significance to them. Why else had she come all the way out here to the middle of nowhere.

"Thank you, Jacob. For being here and protecting her when I didn't. I can never thank you enough for keeping her safe."

"Er, sure, no problem. So, I guess you know what I've been doing?"

He snickered a little. "Of course I do. You are pretty good at hiding those particular thoughts from me, but some of the others are not so good. Some don't even try to hold back. So yes, I've known for a while."

"And you're not mad I've been asking around about you?"

He shrugged. "Not really. I was curious too. About what they'd all say to you about me."

"Were you surprised?"

"Not really. There's something they all left out though, the darkest part of me."

Oh, so he was just going to cut to the chase then. "Your disappearance."

"Yes."

"Where you killed people."

Edward looked down, ashamed. "Yes. I'm not proud of it, but I did have a reason, if you'll let me explain."

I bristled at his attempt to justify murdering innocent people. His reason seemed pretty clear from what Esme told me. "You were jealous, right? Some sort of revenge on Carlisle for kicking you to the curb?" I spat.

"Well, yes, sort of. More like, I was displaced. Shoved to the side, rather suddenly and without asking me what I thought about adding another person! It was never even a thought that crossed Carlisle's mind. I felt a deep sense of betrayal." He shrugged. "Maybe that sounds selfish, but Carlisle was the one that made me what I am, and I was his charge, like it or not. Suddenly I was the odd one out, living with a couple newly in love, and I had to hear their every thought. And their thoughts rarely were concerned with me," he added pointedly. "I became more and more isolated and alone in my own home. I knew they didn't mean to ignore me, but it still happened. My resentment for Carlisle grew exponentially."

That was understandable to me. No one liked feeling left out.

"As angry as I was at Carlisle, I felt some affinity for Esme. None of what was happening to me was her fault, not really. She was a fragile creature in the beginning. She told you about her son?" I nodded solemnly. "Well, she had also escaped an abusive husband, and I experienced the memories of the horrors he committed on her. The thought of that man laying his hands on her fueled the rage that was already building within me. Eventually, I decided to leave them and branch out on my own. I could no longer stand to be around the two of them and their minds, I felt betrayed by Carlisle and disgusted with Esme's husband who often invaded her thoughts. So, I left with a plan to find that man and end him." Edward's expression was fierce as he remembered this vile person. I was totally wrapped up in his tale. "Charles Evenson was the first human I ever killed. And I liked it. I liked that I rid the world of such an evil person. And I liked how human blood made me feel, how it made me more powerful and how the burn in my throat was completely extinguished."

I tried to hide my shock at how candid he was being with me, along with the disgust I felt at the obvious pleasure he got from killing. He didn't respond to my reactions though, lost as he was in his memories. "Esme was avenged, and I found a sick sense of retribution, going against Carlisle's teachings. It felt like karmic justice. So, I embraced the monster and set him free, thinking I would never return and destroy the happy couple's perfect lives. Surely, I was just a burden to them. I convinced myself I could use my ability to be a normal vampire, and to still respect human life by ridding the world of the human scum that plagues society. I believed I was performing a necessary service. In my mind, I was still continuing Carlisle's philosophy, while also rejecting it."

He glanced at me and could see the horror on my face. He looked me dead in the eyes as he said, "I've been the monster, Jacob. But I have him under control, tightly bound. I never want to be that again."

Edward looked really serious and I chose to believe him in good faith. After all, this happened when Edward was new, and I had loads of evidence in the decades that followed to prove his commitment. From his first encounter with my people, to his many stints in high school surrounded by his supposed prey, to everything with Bella, he never had a slip. Aside from Bella, his mind reading probably helped a lot.

A look of relief crossed his face at my acceptance. "In truth, it did. That's where my ability came in handy. I was more able than others of my kind to see humans as individuals, fellow sentient beings. And it played a huge part in my rebellion." He sat down on the grass and motioned for me to do the same. My legs were starting to get tired, so I appreciated the gesture.

"You see, I knew which people were truly bad. The rapists and murderers and pedophiles." He grimaced as he remembered them. "It was so easy to feel like I was doing a good thing, like the avenging angel of death." He laughed humorlessly. "But I didn't realize the consequences, Jacob. I may have dispatched only the most rotten men, but what happened to those left behind by my victim? Even evil people have families, and many were already impoverished. This was in the 1920s, so the loss of the male of the household would have devastated the family. Eventually, I became too rash in my verdicts, and I made mistakes, misjudging what I heard." He quieted for a few moments before continuing. "What I was doing was wrong, even if I was killing people who deserved to die. Am I God? Who was I to decide who lived or died? I didn't want to be a monster. I wanted to go back to the old way, the way that let me hold on to some humanity. I had to grow up and return to Carlisle, to feel like myself again. I came home like the prodigal, and Carlisle accepted me back without hesitation, even though he knew what I'd done from the color of my eyes."

"He missed you terribly when you were gone."

"I know. I hate that I did that to him. He made me, so in his mind, blood on my hands is blood on his."

I was lost for more words. Stunned by his straightforward, non-evasive confession, I was even more surprised that I felt no negativity about his past. Hell, if I could know for sure who was raping kids or kidnapping people for human trafficking or beheading people or something, I wouldn't be sad to see them dead. I thought Edward was being too hard on himself, really. It wasn't like he was randomly murdering innocents. It was kind of noble actually.

Edward glowered. "I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done, Jacob. It was NOT noble."

I shrugged, not wanting to argue the point. "So, you had to 'grow up' to come back and be Carlisle's son?" I chuckled.

Edward laughed softly. "I meant I had accepted my new place in the family. We didn't use the son cover story until a while later. I played the role of Esme's brother, and Carlisle's nephew before Esme joined us. Once I decided I didn't want to be a traditional vampire, I knew the only place for me was here. And I was still pretty young and there was nothing stopping me from thinking I'd find a mate of my own one day. Of course, nobody expected it would take so long to find her!" I couldn't help but laugh, and he smiled in return. "I was much like Carlisle in that respect. He waited for over three hundred years to find his mate while it only took me one century to find Bella. But Carlisle was a wanderer, a lone nomad. He didn't have the pleasure of being in a coven full of perfect matches while he waited."

"It must've been hell," I sympathized.

He sighed. "I spent a lot of time outdoors, alone. I can't even begin to explain how soul-crushing it is to always be on the outside looking in at your own family. To see and hear and feel every bit of their happiness, but never have it for myself. I withdrew, but I tried not to show it. I projected contentment to protect myself from their pity, which was definitely worse than just being on the outskirts. Of course, once Jasper came along, he saw right through me. He kept it to himself though."

Jasper was good like that. He never revealed people's feelings, just like Edward never spoke of people's thoughts. "If you had to be exposed to their feelings for each other, at least they were happy, I guess. Imagine having to live the Sam-Emily-Leah painfest."

He smirked. "I suppose I am glad about that. I did have to put up with Emmett's endless teasing and Miss Hale's spite for ninety years and counting though…"

"Riiiiight. Rosalie said she was changed for you."

Edward huffed. "Well, Carlisle never said that aloud, but yes, he did. Incredibly foolish way of trying to make amends. He's a very wise and thoughtful person, but he's still human, so to speak, and acts impulsively at times. Usually only when creating a vampire, it seems!" He laughed heartily, shaking his head. "Wow, that just occurred to me, after all this time. Ahh, funny, not funny. But yes, Rosalie connected the dots. That's why she likes to needle me so much."

"It's too bad it wouldn't have worked between you." My heart actually kinda hurt to think of how alone he was for so long.

He sighed heavily. "Thank you, Jacob, but the truth is, I've always been alone. Even when I was human. It was common at the time to have large families, many siblings. But I was an only child. My mother had another baby, but she was born sleeping. Her name was Margaret."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"I was only three, it's okay, I don't remember. Then there was some complication right after birth and my mother had her uterus removed. She could never have any more children, so she poured all of her mothering onto me. I had anything I could ever want, and she impressed her passion for piano music on me. I have the right hands for it," he declared, holding them up for me to see the long, slender fingers, "so I was pretty good. She wanted me to be a concert pianist. Father wanted me to be a lawyer, like he was. Follow in his footsteps. But I just wanted to break free from their wishes for me. I wanted to be a hero and fight in The Great War. A lot of boys wanted to. We didn't know the horrors of warfare, we only dreamed of glory."

I could not imagine Edward in WWI uniform with a rifle, gunning down Germans or whoever. What the actual fuck. My stomach dipped like I was on a roller coaster as I realized how old he was. It was so easy to forget when he looked like a fucking high school senior, eternally at the brink of independence. This man could never do anything substantial with his life, he'd always look too young to be paid any real attention to.

Edward's lips thinned as he tried not to react to my thoughts. I guess that meant he didn't want to go there. "Just so," he confirmed. There were a few awkward moments before he sort of laughed to himself. "Anyway, back to the story, hmm?" I motioned for him to proceed with a nod.

"My father loved us and showed it by working a well-paid job. But the consequence was Mother and I didn't see him much. He'd often get home well after supper, so I saw him for around half an hour each day. And usually he was tired from work. So, we never did much as a family. It was just Mother and I."

"Didn't you have any friends, cousins?"

"No, my parents didn't have any siblings that made it to adulthood…" That gave me pause. Damn, it sucked so much to be alive before medicine was really good. "…but I had two friends that I sort of remember. I don't remember their names or faces, but I know I had those two friends. I only ever saw them at school though. Evenings were for supper and homework and weekends were for piano lessons and maybe spending time with Father. So, yes, we were friends at school but didn't see each other outside of it. In any case, it was just me and my mother, mostly." Edward shifted, resting his arms on his knees.

"When the pandemic hit, schools were shut down across America, but a few cities kept their schools open. Chicago was one of those cities, and that was where I lived. So, I went to school, and Father went to work, and one of us ended up bringing it home. We all caught the flu and were hospitalized. Father died first, but Mother and I held on longer. Carlisle was our doctor. He fought to have us in beds next to each other. My mother had a way about her… she could make anyone want to help her. It was her green eyes - they just captivated everyone. I had her eyes…" He trailed off, seeming to search into the distance before continuing. "When it became obvious that we were not going to pull through, well, I'm sure Carlisle told you about my mother's plea?" I nodded, and he shrugged. "That's how my path crossed with Carlisle's. And we're about to have a visitor."

Before I could really comprehend that last bit, there was rustling in the brush on the west side of the meadow. The sound was getting louder as the speedy beast came closer. My skin rippled instinctively.

Edward gave a deep sigh. "It's Rosalie."

Just then, a blur streaked across the field and the woman herself appeared in front of us, a hand on her hip and one eyebrow raised as she smirked at Edward.

"Excuse me," Edward said with contempt, "we're trying to have a private conversation here...as should be evident by the location?"

"Whatever, dear brother. I just wanted to make sure you were being transparent with the wolf boy over here. Have you told him your truth yet, Edward?"

"He told me," I declared, annoyed by her interruption.

She gaped at me. "And you haven't torn his head off yet?"

"Well, for one thing, I don't think Ness would like it if I killed her dad, and besides, Edward didn't hide anything from me, he told me everything."

"I thought it was in your blood to kill human drinkers, mutt!"

"Oh, were you hoping for my death, Rosalie?" Edward growled. She smiled serenely at him, which really got under my skin.

"Blondie," I cut in. "It's in my blood to protect my land and tribe, not to avenge the deaths of people who died before you even became a vampire. I'm grateful for Edward's honesty."

Rosalie was really irritated now. "Well, I'll have you know that I am the only one in this family that has never once tasted human blood. Edward hunted humans every week for FOUR years." She tossed her hair over her shoulder and gave Edward a haughty glare. "Really, Golden Boy? It took you four years to say, 'Gee, maybe I'm doing something wrong here'?"

Edward let out a long-suffering sigh. "I was in turmoil, Rose. You don't know. You weren't there."

"No, I wasn't, but I am not blind, and I can infer enough what happened. Esme came between you two. That much is obvious to everyone. It's not a secret, did you think it was?" she asked with mock-concern.

"Well, no, but…" His exasperated expression changed quickly to one of outrage. "That is absolutely ludicrous, Rosalie, and you know it!"

"No, come on. Out with it."

"That's not how it happened. You make it sound like we were together!"

"Weren't you?"

If Edward could flush red, he'd be a beet right about now. "No! Carlisle and I just… had each other's backs, like family. We didn't need anyone else. But… I was naive. I didn't understand how powerful the mate bond is."

"A likely story, Edward." She aimed her glare at me and spat, "Chew on that, dog." Satisfied she had the last word, Rosalie turned on her heel and blurred out of the clearing. We listened as the brush rustled in her wake.

Our gazes met, and I decided to ignore Rosalie's ridiculous implication. "Damn, she's a real peach, isn't she? Starting rumors, just trying to stir up gossip about you…"

"Always." Edward shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm used to it. It's best to just ignore her. If you don't give her attention, it gets worse for a few minutes, but then it stops."

"Like a classic bully," I snorted.

"Precisely. Until the next day, anyway. Then it starts all over again."

Shaking my head, I said, "I am honestly super impressed that you made it through all those decades without going completely crazy."

"I'm not convinced I did!" We had a good laugh before he sobered again. "You know, when I met Bella, I finally found a good reason to keep going. I never wanted to change her though. I didn't want this life for Bella. I knew how much influence the burn in your throat has, and I didn't want her to have blood on her hands, like I do. Little did I know how special and strong she is. Apparently, the struggles of the rest of us don't pertain to her. Bella thought I was perfect, and even now, knowing my past, she brushes it off. But now you know I am far from perfect, and you see me for who I really am. A monster."

"No, not a monster." Edward looked up sharply, and I felt I had to qualify my statement. "Obviously, I don't condone what you did." He nodded in understanding. "But I get why it happened, and I also see how it damaged you. It's not like you're going to go there again. No, you're not perfect, but who is? You learned from your experience, and that's really the most anyone can ask for."

"You're very wise for one so young. You remind me of your great grandfather."

"Emmett said the same thing. But please, it's weird. Stop comparing me to someone you should have never known."

He laughed and ran a hand through his unruly hair. "Sorry, but it's true. You're a strong person, Jacob. I want Renesmee to have a childhood right now, but in her future, I know she'll have a good life with you, that you'll protect and take care of her. For that, I am immensely grateful. I told you before, on top of that mountain, that I'd sort of like you if you weren't my natural enemy. Well, you're not my enemy anymore, and now you really know me for WHO I am, not just WHAT I am. I know what a good person you are. And in a strange way, I'm glad you're still in my life. I hope we can be friends now."

"We can't be friends, Edward," I said in a serious tone. He looked surprised, then a little crestfallen. Smiling, I reassured him. "We can be family."

He returned my grin, agreeing, "Yes, we can be family. But, speaking as your future in-law, when Ness is old enough, you will take a page from my book and let HER make the decision whether to further your relationship, like I did with Bella. And if she agrees, well, we're going to have to figure out how I can be around the two of you without wanting to wring your neck for having inappropriate thoughts."

"Oh, dear God," I groaned. "I hadn't thought of that."

"After a hundred years of hearing that sort of thing when I absolutely didn't want to, I can't help but anticipate that eventuality."

"Maybe Bella can shield our minds by then...IF Ness chooses me."

"Good man, Jacob," he said, clapping my shoulder. "Good man."

As we stood to go rejoin the rest of our family, I looked forward to a new comradery with my former enemy, the truth laid bare and the future shining brightly before us.

A/N: And this fic is now complete. Guys, I can't even tell you how hard it was for me to write Edward and Jacob this way! My regular readers will know that my stories usually have them paired up. I kept having to retrain my brain - (no, do NOT say 'and then they kissed'...lol) Although I did throw a nod to Carlward, if you noticed. I couldn't resist! I'll be finishing Cast Aside before 2020 ends.

I hope you enjoyed my foray into canon. Writing anything involving Renesmee and Jacob's imprint isn't really my cup of tea, so this was a real challenge! I hope you enjoyed it all the same. I'm returning to my non-canon pairings world now, lol! (But you never know, I have a few more canon ideas. Keep an eye on Metamorphosis, my collection of origin story one shots.)

Extra special thanks to Devora13 and Jessica314 for their unwavering support of this story. Lots of love to you guys 3

Drop me a line and let me know what you thought! Reviews are like oxygen...