Chapter 2
The theatre went black and the visual intro started playing – 30 seconds. Tegan stood with her hands on her hips and threw her head back and closed her eyes while taking a final big breath before she felt Sara's hand on the small of her back. "Okay, here we go" said Sara reassuringly. It always felt good to have Sara right next to her, a security blanket. "You're gonna have to carry this one Sar" said Tegan timidly. "Okay Tee, I've got you" Sara took the lead and walked onto the stage. The crowd went crazy. Tegan put up her arm to wave and immediately felt dizzy; the blinding lights didn't help much. She somehow got to her spot on stage and put her guitar around her neck. Their sound check this afternoon was quite short. Sara sent Tegan to lie down about 10 minutes into it assuring her that she would check her mic etc for her. Tegan hoped everything sounded as it should, including her voice… "Hello Los Angeles! We're Tegan and Sara and we're excited to be here" yelled Sara. Tegan just smiled weakly and turned to Adam to count in the start of "Drove me wild". Tegan messed up some guitar parts and her voice was weak and husky during the first song but not a lot of people seemed to notice since the crowd was singing along so loud you could hardly hear her anyway. Sara glanced over at Tegan a number of times during the song. Tegan was covered in sweat by the end of the first song. This was unusual for her as she hardly ever broke a sweat on stage, especially in a cool, air-conditioned room. Tegan's throat was on fire and she felt a brutal, stabbing pain in her left ear every few minutes. "Guys, this is our last show of the tour, actually this is probably our last show of the album cycle so we're quite emotional tonight" said Sara into her mic. "You know when you're like, over emotional and you're getting towards the end of a holiday or exams or whatever and you're either so sad or so excited to be finished that you get sick? Yeah? Well that's happened to Tegan…" Sara looked over to Tegan, she really seemed to be taking strain, just one song into the set. Tegan put her hand to her chest and made a sad face followed by a smile. "She really is quite sick but she's a trooper and she said she's going to finish this tour with a bang! They wanted us to cancel but Tegan refused" said Sara sounding proud. "Oh you're being so dramatic" said Tegan, softer than her usual stage voice, shaking her head and smiling. She wiped her brow with the back of her hand and tried to take a deep breath but she couldn't, she tried to normalise her breathing in the hopes that it would help ease her pounding headache and slow her racing heart. Sara was talking to the audience but Tegan didn't hear a word. "…right Tegan?" asked Sara turning to Tegan. Tegan didn't know what the question was but she nodded reluctantly and said "right". Sara smiled a worried little smile "... you okay there Tee?" "Yeah sure ... I'm good" Tegan lied and took off her leather jacket leaving her feeling slightly cooler in a baggy sleeveless t-shirt. Tegan hardly sang backup on the next 3 Sara songs, Sara was a pro though and she carried the songs with ease. Tegan just did some basic guitar strums instead of her usual complex playing. It took everything in her to hold her concentration.
The next song on the set list was Dark come Soon – they picked it specifically because it was one of the less strenuous Tegan songs to sing. After a short silence Tegan spoke, "Hi guys" the audience went NUTS, they absolutely adored Tegan. "I'm sorry that I'm giving you such a shitty show…" she breathed heavily. "But thanks to Sara for carrying all the weight tonight" Sara smiled at her. "I'm going to try this one but please, if I go down on stage, don't put it on YouTube" she said jokingly. Jeremy their tour manager and good friend came out on stage with a bar stool "ah look gran, Jeremy bought you a chair" Sara joked. Tegan felt like kissing him because her legs felt like failing any second. "Thanks J" nodded Tegan. She started with "Dark come soon", playing the intro twice as she tried to compose herself. In the dimmer lighting used for this song she could actually see into the audience better. Her eyes searched the photo pit desperate to find Lindsey, she found her and relief flooded over her. "Lindsey took the camera away from her face and smiled a worried smile, she put her hand over her heart and mouthed "I love you" to Tegan. Tegan smiled and started singing "Dark, you know you can't come soon enough for me…" Those lyrics suddenly seemed so apt, Tegan just wanted to be home, in her own bed, sleeping under a fan with Lindsey holding her. Tegan's vocals weren't nearly up to scratch and you could really start seeing how bad she felt. During the guitar solo in the middle she stopped playing and left the work to Sara. She just stood up and faced the back of the stage and closed her eyes. Tegan sang the first line of the next verse but broke down shortly after; the weight on her chest was getting worse by the second. She turned back to face the band and shook her head while playing guitar. She breathed heavily and felt as if she was going to throw up again any second. Before the end of the song she hastily took the guitar off and put it down clumsily and jogged off stage. Tegan ran towards the bucket she placed there earlier and threw up all the water she drank before the start of the song. She was on her knees, tears spilling out of her eyes, bucket between her legs. Jeremy was trying to comfort her, she heard Sara finishing the song on stage "Thank you, guys if you could give me just a minute I'd appreciate it. I just need to check if Tegan's okay" The crowd cheered and shouted "Okay","go", "Tegan we loveeee you" and other supportive things. Tegan heard Lindsey's voice and felt her familiar touch "Baby, oh my god are you okay? What's going on? Tegan!?" said Lindsey sounding worried. Sara jogged towards her "Tegan, what's happening? Are you okay?" Tegan's head was spinning but she tried to put their minds at ease "Guys, I'm all right... I'm okay" she said holding her palm out to them but looking the other way. "I just… I just needed to throw up…. I'm ready to go back out…. I'm sorry Sara" she said turning her head back to Sara and Lindsey looking as brave as possible but still on her knees. Jeremy handed Tegan a towel and and put an ice pack on her neck, it felt so good. Tegan felt as if her whole body was on fire. It was sooo hot. Lindsey was fussing around her and saying comforting things into her ear. The crowd was growing increasingly restless. "I'm okay, let's get back out there" said Tegan. Lindsey and Sara helped her to her feet. She felt slightly better after the icepack and rinsing her mouth. "Baby you're very, very pale! I think you should just go lie down – let's cancel the rest of the show… Please!" pleaded Lindsey. "Linds, let me try one more time?" asked Tegan. "If you feel you can't go on just give me a signal or just get off stage Tegan" Sara said looking worried. "Okay… okay…" promised Tegan.
"Tegan's okay guys" Sara said over the mic. She continued to tell the "bad fajitas" story about the time Tegan threw up on the subway after drinking. Tegan giggled and took it easy through the next Sara song. Tegan eyed the set list – the next song was Call it Off – a crowd favourite. She felt scared; her breathing was growing more difficult with every breath. She held onto her keyboard stand trying to steady herself. She closed her eyes, concentrating to just keep standing! The dizziness was getting really bad and she could hear the sound going louder and softer. After Sara's song she immediately launched into Call It Off, simply trying to get it over as soon as possible, her fingers danced over her guitar strings in auto pilot. It didn't work… She was gasping before she started off "I won't regret saying this this thing that I'm saying…. Is it better" she trailed off …. She struggled to breathe and she felt the room spin. She stopped playing and stopped singing. Sara and the band were keeping a close eye on Tegan stopped almost immediately when they saw she was in trouble. "I'm sorry guys, I can't…. I can't... I'm… I'm so sorry" She turned and walked off stage like a drunk person, the guitar still around her neck – she put her hand up in a small wave to the crowd… Sara jogged over to her and talked to her off mic "You okay?" Sara asked. "I don't know..." said Tegan honestly, she felt her legs tremble and held onto Sara's arm for support. "I think so… finish the show Sar, I'm okay… go on" said Tegan winded. She walked of stage straight into her lover's waiting arms. Lindsey held her while Jeremy removed the guitar from her neck. Tegan felt warm tears running down her face into her mouth. "Shhh baby, it's okay everything is okay" Lindsey led her to the drum case and sat her down tenderly. Tegan leaned her head against the wall… the world spun and the nausea crept back. Tegan felt goose bumps forming on her arms and scalp.