Chapter 24
Lindsey was on a high for the next day from seeing Tegan awake and responding to questions. She had a smile that went from ear to ear and it never left her face. For the first time in days she slept like a log, she woke up and actually had an appetite. Lindsey walked into Tegan's room with a shiny, red heart shaped balloon and another balloon shaped with the shape of an I, then the shape of a heart, then a U. She was holding a plastic solar powered flower with a smiley face in her other hand. It was all she could find at the hospital gift shop. The flower moved from side to side happily. She put the flower on the nightstand and tied the balloons to the bottom of the bed. "Happy Valentine's Day sweetie" she said and kissed Tegan's forehead softly. Tegan and Lindsey both loved Valentine's day. They had an unofficial competition every year to see who could be the cheesiest. Lindsey leaned forward, her face now only about 6 inches from Tegan's. She breathed in Tegan's scent. She cocked her head and stared at the love of her life, taking in every bit of her beautiful face, her long eyelashes, her perfect button nose, her soft lips, her flawless skin, her gorgeous cheekbones. She smiled "You're so beautiful..." She started her daily song, singing softly "My funny valentine. Sweet comic valentine, You make me smile with my heart, Your looks are laughable, Unphotographable, Yet you're my favourite work of art. But don't change a hair for me, Not if you care for me, Stay little valentine stay, Each day is valentines day" Lindsey breathed deeply to control her emotion that was threatening to once again spill over. "I love you" she said holding Tegan's hand and stroking her cheek softly. The plaster over the cut was removed a few hours ago and it was healing beautifully. She moved closer and planted a soft kiss on the scar. "Whoops, am I interrupting something?" said Kate entering the room smiling and looking guilty. "Yeah, we were just having passionate valentines sex when you walked in, so if you don't mind" Lindsey chuckled.
Sara couldn't get Emy out of her mind but she didn't reply to her mail, she didn't text her, she didn't call her... but she missed her, she pined for her. Fucking valentines femotion.... she thought to herself.
Alex arranged a romantic valentines breakfast in Kate's office. Erin didn't want to leave the hospital. Not because she felt she shouldn't but because there were a dozen media vans parked outside and she didn't have the strength to face them today. She didn't want anything to spoil her good mood.
When Tegan was taken to her daily X-ray and CT scan, Lindsey ate a huge breakfast with Sara and Sonia. They shared funny Tegan stories and laughed out loud and just finally relaxed a bit. Lindsey had forgotten how good it feels to laugh so much your cheeks and stomach hurts. She was sitting in Tegan's room after another busy day of Physical Therapy, tests and treatment. Dusk was falling outside. She held Tegan's hand in hers as always. Lindsey took her phone out of her pocket and took a photo of Tegan's hand in hers, a hand and a tattooed arm with IV lines and a BP cuff around it, part of her hospital gown. Lindsey suddenly realized how much she missed her camera. Her camera was part of her soul, her language, that's how she expressed herself. One of her favorite things in the world was taking photos of Tegan. Lindsey hesitated before posting the artistic shot to Instagram. The caption read: "Not the ideal way to spend Valentine's Day, but I've NEVER been more in love"
A day later, Sara sat on the roof of the hospital with her back against the wall and her legs pulled up. Her head was thrown back and leaning against the wall. Her forearms were resting on her knees and a paper cup was hanging from the tips of her right fingers. Her eyes were closed and had feint dark rings under them. Her mouth was open just a crack, she smiled. This empty rooftop has become her happy place. Her peace hardly ever got shattered by the sound of an emergency helicopter landing. Sara was thinking about the last time she saw Emy, it was about 4 weeks ago on their last short tour break. Sara spent her break in New York. She knew it was a bad idea getting close to Emy again. They've been relatively good friends after ending their relationship about 6 years ago but they've never crossed that line again. They didn't see each other a lot but when they did the chemistry and soul connection was undeniable. It was obvious for others to see, it was simple, it was primal, it was real. Emy understood Sara like nobody's ever understood her... not even Tegan. Emy unexpectedly crept back into her life. That night came flooding back into her head at the most random, sometimes inappropriate times. But this time, she allowed it... she enjoyed it. Sara smiled with her eyes still closed. She relived that night. The party of a mutual friend in New York that they left early, the two bottles of red wine, running hand in hand down central park west, the roof garden, the blanket, talking for hours... Emy's apartment, the crisp white sheets that smelled like laundry detergent. That smell, that familiar sweet smell, Emy's smell. Sara's never felt more sheer desire, more lust for Emy... she wanted her, body and soul. She needed to feel her silky hair in her fingers, her soft creamy skin under her hands. Emy's sweet, warm breath in her neck. She wanted to give Emy pleasure and she felt her insides shudder as she thought about it. It was a night of the most passionate sex Sara's ever experienced. She wanted Emy back that night, she wanted to be with her every moment. She wanted to bare her soul to her. As Sara lay next to Emy's naked body the voices started. So many reasons it didn't work out Sara... Emy's better off without you... You're no good for her... She doesn't love you anymore... she doesn't... Don't let yourself get hurt again Sara... It's better you go now before you hurt her... Sara thought about their relationship. Fear was preventing her to let go but she feared more what she didn't know. I've changed... She's changed... Can this work? I miss her... I need her... So much... I love her... I want to make this work so bad... NO! Sara you asshole... she's finally over you... and now this... don't do this to her... I'm so selfish... I need to let her go... I hope I didn't fuck up too much. I need to let her go... but I can't. Sara forced herself up, quietly got dressed and sneaked out of Emy's apartment. It was stormy outside, large, icy raindrops fell on Sara's jacket hood and face hiding the tears that started falling. Sara walked briskly, then picked up speed until she was sprinting as fast as she could down the streets of Manhattan. Running away from her past... running away from her future?
Sara opened her eyes and let go of the memory of that night. She was confused, she was lonely but more than that she was angry, angry at herself. She took the cup and hauled it in anger across the roof towards the helicopter landing pad. "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing" she whispered.