XXI
Three Weeks Later
Starbuck awoke again in a hot/cold sweat.
Godsdamn that fraking dream.
She had been having the same dream, or a variation of the same dream, ever since Helo had showed her the picture of the Mandala from the Algae Planet, and how it almost exactly matched a drawing she had been doing over and over again since she was a child. Problem was, the Mandala had been created over four thousand years ago.
Since then, she couldn't get Leoben, and the things he had told her over the years out of her head. When she had interrogated and tortured him shortly after the destruction of The Colonies, he had told her that she had a destiny already written. In the Doll House he had told her, quite seriously, that he was only trying to help her to see the truth of her life.
"This has all happened before, and would all happen again", he had said, while she tortured him, the man not giving an inch on what he knew. With the dreams, she was starting to see things while awake-a vision of a little girl, that looked remarkably like herself and Kacey, who would vanish in an instant.
She would be back at her flat on Caprica, trying to whitewash the large painting of that mandala, trying to erase it from her memory. Leoben would then be behind her, and put his arms around her, whisper in her ear, then turn her around hard, and kiss her even harder, Kara kissing back still harder, until they were both on the floor, writhing in white paint, Leoben eventually buried deep within her. She had even orgasmed once, which, fortunately, hadn't awaken Laura. But some of the nightmares had awaken her wife.
They had talked about her childhood, Laura shuddering every time she thought about what Kara endured.
"She was dealing with a lot, babe", Kara said to her wife, while looking at nothing in particular one evening, after they had made love. "She told me I was different from the other kids. That I had to be a warrior like her. Taught me that fear gets you killed, and that anger keeps you alive."
"Well", Laura said with some bitterness, "she certainly gave you plenty to be angry about. She split your head open with a broomstick handle because you didn't make your bed?" Laura shuddered again.
"Know how I got back at her?"
Laura gave an un-amused chuckle. "Do I want to know?"
Kara continued as if she didn't hear her spouse. "During the first Cylon War, she was stationed with the First Marines on Mehidra. Stinking jungles that you wouldn't believe. She had this phobia of insects the rest of her life." Kara took a breath. Hated the damn things. So I go out and buy a bunch of rubber bugs, and I slipped into her closet, and I put them all over her shoes.
In the dim light of their bedroom, she saw Kara give a ghost of a predatory smile, that made her shudder again. "And?"
"She screamed her fraking head off", she said, looking right at Laura. "I go in, and she's trying to smash them with her shoes, but that's just making them bounce around even more."
Laura looked at her wife. "You must have caught hell for that."
Kara almost imperceptibly nodded. "She grabbed my hand, held it in the door jamb, and slammed the door."
Laura wanted to be sick, but held it together. "Aw, gods, frak me."
Another ghost of a smile fleeted across Kara's face. "It was worth it, though."
Laura was becoming increasingly worried about her wife.
Helo had mentioned a psychologist for her to visit-one that he and Athena were taking Hera to, after all she saw on New Caprica. He thanked Helo, but told her friend that if she saw anyone, it would be Dr. Tribe, and she didn't feel the need to see the woman who had helped her so much after her torture on New Caprica.
Yet Kara Thrace-Roslin, wife, mother, Viper pilot, Captain in the Colonial service, started to wonder if she was losing her mind.
Kat wasn't quite ready to be released from Cottle's care, but she had beaten what seemed to be unbeatable odds, and had cheated death. Despite Kara's worries, she had kept up her visits to the younger woman, the two of them quickly burying their long-simmering animosity.
Kat was noticing Kara's turmoil.
"Something's been bugging you, skipper", she said with concern. "Anything I can do to help?"
Kara shrugged her off. "Nah, Kat, I've just got a lot on my mind, ya know? Laura's gonna go in to Cottle tomorrow to get inseminated, and I'm nervous about it-I want it to work in the worst way, I should say."
"That's so cool, Kara", Louanne said with a happy laugh. "Doc Cottle says I need to wait at least a little while before Brendan and I try again. He just wants to make sure I'm a hundred percent to carry a baby. He said so far that my ovaries are fine, and he took one egg to examine. So far so good."
"I hope so, kid", Kara said hopefully. "I mean, for straight couples, this government edict could be a hell of a lot of fun, you know?" They both snorted a laugh.
"Like you're not getting any, Starbuck."
"Who? Me?" Kara gave her the mock look of cluelessness. Kat just snickered.
"No comment, Boss", she said with her own sarcasm. "I don't want to piss off the CAG when I'm about to come back."
They went quiet for a minute, Kara finally looking up at the other talented pilot. "You think we'll miss our cat fights?"
"Afraid I'll kick your ass now, Starbuck?"
Kara laughed. "I need to get you in the boxing ring some day-when you're healthy, that is. It's only worth it if we're both on top of our game."
"We were certainly on top of our game when we fraked up Scar", Louanne said with a nod.
That hadn't been a particularly good day for Kara, but it had pulled her out of her funk. "Bet your ass kid. Just wait until they know we're both coming at them."
Kat sighed, Kara knowing the younger woman was long past wanting to leave the Med bay. "Soon, Starbuck, at least I hope. Soon."
The next day, a Saturday, Laura, Kara and Kacey went to visit Doc Cottle. The women wanted to share their attempt at new life with their daughter, who kept saying she wanted a baby brother. She had told them a sister would be OK, but a brother is what she was hoping for.
Cottle walked them through the procedure, which Layne Ishay would actually perform, per Laura's request. It wasn't that she didn't trust Cottle, but she simply felt more comfortable with her legs in stirrups for this procedure with another woman. Cottle hadn't batted an eye and completely understood. Laura knew that under that gruff, hard exterior, Sherman Cottle was a very good man.
Neither Kara or Laura wanted to hide from Kacey how either of them would get pregnant. When Kacey was older, she would learn that she had two moms, that some people had a mom and a dad, and some kids might even had two dads. As long as there was love in a relationship, neither one of them felt it mattered much.
Layne allowed Kara and Kacey to watch, as much as they could, as the nurse inserted a syringe into Laura's vagina. At the end of the syringe was a long tube that would pass Laura's cervix, and into her uterus, where the sperm would make their way to a waiting egg. Kacey thought it was kind of gross, but she stayed close to her mom's, as the three woman talked about what was going on in their lives and The Fleet, the process going smoothly, and without any embarrassment for the President.
"As Cottle told you, come back for a follow-up with him in about two weeks. We should have a good idea if you're pregnant, Madam President."
"Layne", Laura gave her a mock scolding like the school teacher she was, "you just had a syringe inside my vagina, I think we're intimate enough that, here, you can call me Laura."
Kara roared with laughter, Ishay turning beet red, but laughing as well, as Laura zipped and buttoned her signature pencil skirt, the President putting a friendly hand on Layne's shoulder.
"That would go over good at a presser", Ishay said with her own snort of laughter. "I can see it now: 'Nurse on first-name basis with the President after her syringe knocks her up'!"
Kara was doubled over, she was laughing so hard, Kacey looking at her momma like she had two heads, seeing her mom laughing and in tears.
When they left, Kara felt a new sense of confidence, as she and her wife held hands, and Laura held Kacey's hand as they returned to their new Quarters on Galactica.
While the Roslin's were having a laugh with Ishay, Vice-President Lee Adama was meeting with his father, Admiral Bill Adama, and Commander Saul Tigh.
The subject was what kind of trial former President Gaius Baltar would have. It could be a civilian trial, or a military tribunal could consider the case big enough that they would want to handle it.
None of the three men were sold on either way, and none of them would object to one or the other. But they needed to make a decision, then pass on their views to the President and the Quorum.
"As long as that fraker is either out an airlock, or locked up on the Astral Queen for eternity, I don't care who tries him. He's a traitor and deserves nothing less."
"That may be, Commander", Lee said seriously, "but all of us have the right to a fair trial, and we have to make sure he gets one, be it military or civilian."
"Maybe he doesn't deserve a fair trail, Lee", his father quipped, Lee giving him an uncertain look. "Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but he's going to get one. Let me ask both of you: do you think the civvies would be more impartial, or a military tribunal?"
Both Tigh and Apollo considered that for a few moments, Lee shrugging after contemplating the question. "I think no matter who tries him, there's gonna be a lot of emotion, Admiral", Lee offered frankly. "Having said that, I think there's a much better chance that the Military will be more impartial, simply because the military is around to protect the government, not be the government, and there's usually a built-in impartiality."
"That may be, Lee", Tigh countered, "but what if you put me on a military tribunal, huh? I lost an eye on New Caprica, because Gaius was in bed-literally-with The Cylons. He signed off on the New Caprica Police force, for frak's sake, and a lot of people died or simply disappeared. Think the military is gonna want to be unbiased?"
"Frankly, Saul", Bill said, admonishing him slightly, "the discipline instilled in us as military professionals demand we be impartial, and use our discipline, not our balls, to try someone. But in a case like this?" The Admiral shook his head ruefully. "I don't know if anyone can stay that impartial."
"This all still begs the question", Tigh pressed, taking the admonishment easily enough, understanding where his Admiral was coming from, "what are we going to suggest to the President? The Quorum is debating this as well, as are a panel of civilian judges and lawyers in The Fleet?"
Lee looked over at his father, still troubled by the older Adama's assertion that, perhaps, Gaius Baltar didn't deserve a fair trial. "I honestly think going with a military tribunal is the best option for a fair, impartial trial. I'm just of the belief that if it's a civilian affair, it'll be a circus."
"It's gonna be a circus either way, Lee", his father countered, "no matter who tries him. Whether we like it or not, Baltar has a cult of personality, is well-spoken, and has followers in The Fleet. He's going to command some hotshot to defend him."
Lee had to admit his father was right. It was a matter of degrees as to the size of the coming circus, not whether the circus was coming to town or not.
The Fleet had needed move into the atmosphere of a gas giant in order to refuel. If they were in the open, and the civilian ships didn't have enough fuel, they'd be sitting ducks if The Cylons jumped in. The interference from the gas giant gave them cover.
Kara and Hot Dog were leading CAP that day, protecting The Fleet just in case they were discovered. They were having problems fueling one of the ships on this patrol.
"Catbird, Galactica", Hot said, hovering over the ship currently being fueled, "we've had a couple of valve failures. We're starting the unrep."
Kara growled in her cockpit. "That's just great. Hot Dog", she said to her second-in-command, "settle in. We're gonna be out here another three hours."
Hot Dog, then Kara flipped their Vipers over, to look at the blue sky of the giant gas planet, which beat looking into the nothingness of space.
As she was scanning the atmosphere below, Kara saw a Cylon Heavy Raider, clear as the sky below her. "Galactica, Starbuck, showtime! Bogey, my right-one! In the soup at 45! Committing!"
Hot Dog hadn't seen a thing, yet the radiation from the planet had been fraking with Dradis since they arrived. "Starbuck, Hot Dog, no joy!"
Onboard Galactica, Adama gave the order to unhook the fuel lines to the ship beside Galactica, lest a stray shot blow them to the Heavens.
Helo was on the scope at the time. "Sir, we have Starbuck and Hot Dog on Dradis, but no contact with the bogey."
"We're lucky we can see anything", Tigh said calmly as he looked at his own Dradis display. "That planet's synchrotron radiation has been kicking the crap out of every Dradis in The Fleet since we got here."
"Price you pay for a good place to hide and refuel The Fleet." Bill Adama had his eye locked on his display.
"Looks like it's also a good place to hide a Cylon Raider", Tigh observed crossly.
Kara continued to chase the Heavy Raider down into the atmosphere, the Cylon ship weaving in front of her, Kara not getting a clean shot. At one point, the Raider came out of nowhere and almost ran into her. Starbuck identified the bogey as a Heavy Raider, but still was not seen on any Dradis.
Despite being low on fuel, Adama instructed Dee to have The Fleet prepare for an emergency jump. If there was a Cylon out there, and he jumped away, they could have serious company in a matter of moments. They couldn't take the chance.
As Hot Dog lost sight of Starbuck in the clouds, Kara looked first ahead of her, then down, what she saw froze her soul: the white clouds were spinning clockwise, their formation eerily to a hurricane that would form occasionally in the oceans on a few of the planets back home. But eye was a dark blue...and the eye wall was a dark red.
It was exactly like the mandala and the image she had drawn as a child.
Kara flew down into the red, blue, and white maelstrom, lightning dancing around as she descended toward the Raider that she kept seeing. Again, the large Raider was right in her windshield, banking to her right as it flew by.
"Damn it, Galactica, Starbuck. Took a hit, still flying. He caught me under the chin but everything's still working."
On the Flagship, Helo warned Adama that Starbuck was approaching that atmospheric hard deck that would crush her like a bug. Hot Dog was begging her to climb out before the atmosphere destroyed her. Kara saw something to her right: it was a quick image...of her mother? Then it vanished.
What the frak is going on?
Starbuck barely made it out of the increasing weight of the atmosphere, recovering her climb mere seconds before she would have disintegrated. Upon landing, she told Chief Tyrol to check the damage from the hits she had taken.
There were none.
Upon examining her ship, Kara saw the Chief wasn't lying-there wasn't a mark on her ship.
Later that day, Kara had requested the video from her Viper be downloaded into the Pilot's ready room, where she, Helo, and Sharon, Racetrack, and a few other pilots looked over the recording. Helo, feeling uneasy about everything that had happened, even called Vice-President Lee Adama in to study the tape. He may be a politician now, but he was, along with Kara, the best pilot Helo had ever seen. He wanted his opinion.
"Maybe the Raider jumped away before you fired", Lee offered, like Helo, wondering what the hell was going on with the CAG.
"Or maybe it never existed in the first place", Racetrack offered, saying out loud what everyone else was thinking.
After the viewing broke up, Kara returned, shaken, to her quarters for a while. Lee pulled Hot Dog aside, telling him quietly that they needed to see the Admiral. Hot Dog agreed.
Bill Adama looked at both the men. "Should we ground her?"
"Cottle says she's physically fit", Hot Dog advised, defending his CAG, but knowing he was next in line if Kara was benched. "I visited him before we flew today, with everything going on with Starbuck. He said right now, she's also an emotional basket case."
"In peace time", Lee said grimly, "he'd ground every one of us."
Hot Dog nodded his assent. They had all gone a little mad, running for their lives, day after day for over three years now.
"So it falls back on me, since we're talking about the CAG, doesn't it?"
Lee looked at his father and nodded. "Yeah. Technically, Brendan could make the recommendation to you, as he's the CAG if she can't go, but..."
"But this is too big to leave simply to Brendan to snitch on his Boss." Adama looked over at Costanza. "No offense, Hot Dog, but this situation is above your pay grade."
"None taken, sir. But I'll give you my opinion if you ask for it."
The Admiral creased a small smirk. "Then what's your opinion?"
Hot Dog shrugged. "Even screwed up, if she is, she's still the best Viper driver I've ever seen, sir. Hands down, she's the best we've got."
Lee nodded, having to agree.
Bill Adama looked hard at both men. "Sometimes it's hard to admit that even the best of us can burn out." He looked hard again at Hot Dog, who had been in the air with Starbuck. "Do you think she has?"
That was a lot of pressure to put on the younger pilot, despite the fact he had become one of the most respected jocks in The Fleet. He hadn't been CAG on Galactica for no reason when they had fled New Caprica. But in the presence of the Military commander, and the former Boss of Pegasus, who also happened to be one of the best pilots Costanza had ever seen, and on top of that, who was now Vice-President, he had to swallow hard before answering.
This also tore at him personally, as he had become good friends with Starbuck. "I don't know, sir. I think her identity as a steely-eyed Viper jock might be the only thing holding her together. Yeah, her marriage to the President is a steadying influence on her, but she's told me about the nightmares-and about what happened to her on New Caprica. She's hurting right now, sirs."
"So", the Admiral put the pieces together, "if I ground her..."
There was silence for long, painful moments.
"Everyone gets rattled sometimes", Bill observed. "But the bottom line is, when the bullets start to fly, can she handle it?"
That was a question none of them could answer.
Even though he was Vice-President, Lee still took an occasional rotation flying. In an emergency, he had no illusions that he wouldn't be called upon to suit up, and do what he had been trained to do. The President had insisted he keep current.
He looked at his father, and Kara's Number Two. "I think I need to have a talk with our CAG", he said softly, getting up and leaving.
Lee met with Kara, and they simply talked about what had gone on. Lee told her he still trusted her eyes over Dradis any day. That, and a pep talk from Adama later on had buoyed her spirits.
The next day, she was still in good spirits, going through a pre-flight check with the Chief. As she was ready to climb into her Viper, she looked down-and that little girl she had seen in the bathroom that day when talking with Helo, was looking back at her, sitting calmly in the cockpit. The girl was dirty, had a bruise on her left cheek, and was bleeding from the nose, just staring at Starbuck.
Kara suddenly had flashback, seeing her mother, hearing herself scream and yell, visions of the Mandala on the Algae planet, of her painting on Caprica, of the star going nova, all mixing together in a strange, surreal tapestry of confusion.
Opening her eyes again, the little girl was gone.
When Kara had descended the steps of the ladder to her Viper, Tyrol saw she was shaking, her eyes wide with what could only be fear. He silently walked away, calling Costanza, who then called Lee to get back to the hangar.
Lee came in, looking for Tyrol.
"She's just sitting there", the Chief said in a voice that indicated that he had no fraking idea what was going on.
He slowly walked over to Starbuck, sitting down next to her, under her Viper.
"Feeling sorry for me?" She looked at him with a deceptive smile.
"Look, Kara", Lee said simply, "everyone gets rattled. Even the best."
Kara gave a small laugh, the smile remaining on her face. But her words belied the smile. "I'm not going back out there. I don't trust myself."
"Hmm", Lee said, pondering that statement. "Then trust me-I'll fly your wing."
Kara snorted a small laugh. "The Vice-President, flying my number 2?"
"I do get up there on a fairly regular basis", Lee said, his face still serious. "I haven't been the VP that long that I've forgotten how to fly you know."
When she glanced over at him again, his expression hadn't changed. "Whatever it takes."
"Damn it", Starbuck hollered in excitement, "Apollo, one turkey, my right, 3!"
The patrol had been going smoothly, Kara seemingly in a better mood. Lee actually felt good being out again with Starbuck, something he hadn't been able to do in two years. But when he glanced to his right, he saw nothing.
"Level at 10, ducking in and out of the clouds! Engaging!"
Apollo almost gasped as Starbuck did a barrel roll over top of his Viper, then she dove for where she saw the mysterious bogey.
"Starbuck, Apollo", he said, confusion slicing through him as she made a hard turn to the right, "no joy."
"Starbuck, Galactica", Dee's voice came through from CIC, "no Dradis contact on your Cylon."
Once again, the Admiral ordered refueling halted, and Condition One set throughout The Fleet. He needed to prepare for a jump, questionable sighting or not.
For the next five minutes, Lee pursued Kara, still seeing nothing that indicated any Cylon in the area, Kara calling out her pursuit.
"Starbuck, Apollo", Lee said, his stomach turning to a ball of ice, "I've lost you on Dradis, I'm blind. I've got no sign of your or the Raider."
In her cockpit, Kara didn't hear, or simply ignored, Lee's call for her to report in. She was focused on the Raider that she clearly saw. In another instant, the Raider was in front of her, impacting the windshield of her Viper. The shield cracked, but held, as sparks lit up inside of the cockpit from systems that had been impacted. The impact of the Cylon Raider rendered Kara unconscious.
Her Viper went into a flat spin, heading toward the hard deck of the planet's atmosphere, her head bouncing and snapping around as if she were a ragdoll.
Kara came to in her cockpit, the Viper still in a flat spin, heading downward.
It must have been a dream, she thought groggily to herself. Home, Leoben, Momma. But if it was just a dream, why did suddenly feel so liberated? So free? So...
"Starbuck, Apollo, lost you on Dradis! I say again, I've lost you! Squawk Ident! I'll try to get a fix on you. Kara!"
Starbuck didn't respond, but reached for her ejection handle, ready to bail out, knowing she couldn't get her ship back under control.
Lee Adama frantically looked about, trying to get a visual on his friend.
"Lee", a faint voice crackled through on his comm. "I'm not afraid anymore."
The signal was weak and filled with interference. "Say again?"
"I'm not...afraid anymore."
"She should be afraid", Tigh said aboard Galactica, the entire CIC hearing the entire conversation. "She's damn close to the hard deck." There was palpable fear in his voice.
"Apollo's not far behind", Helo added quickly. "The pressure will crush 'em both." His onw eyes were wide with fear.
"Come on, Lee", the Admiral said, sotto voce, "get her outta there."
"Ninety seconds to hard deck", Lee said over the open channel. "All right, Kara, listen to me: forget the damn Toaster. Climb now, or you're dead."
Kara Roslin, Call Sign Starbuck, stared straight ahead, her cockpit suddenly filling with a brilliant white light, a light that seemed to beckon her to something beyond herself. Her Viper continued to hurtle toward the hard deck, even though the flat spin had ceased.
She hadn't even heard Apollo.
"We can still pull out of this", Lee said, desperation beginning to enter his voice. "We haven't gone past the point of no return! Kara!"
"Sixty seconds to hard deck", Helo said, the fear now palpable in his voice as well. "Dee, vector red section to Apollo's last known. Set Alert Vipers to ready one."
Dee remained calm, but the fear was starting to creep into her as well. "Hot Dog, Hex, divert to 715."
"Godsdammit, where are you!" Lee couldn't remember being this scared-not even when he floated above the looming battle between Galactica and Pegasus a year earlier, after his Raptor had been shot to pieces.
He continued to scan in front of his windshield.
There!
"Visual", he said crisply. "OK, Kara, I'm coming to get you."
Kara finally replied, but her voice sounded like...
"Lee", she said, as if she already had sealed her fate. "I'll see you on the other side."
"Kara, please", he pleaded, almost in tears, "listen to me, come back!"
"Just let me go."
"Godsdammit, Kara! You come back! Come back!"
"It's OK", he heard her say, barely audible above the noise in his own cockpit. "Just let me go. They're waiting for me..."
The luminescent bright light still radiated in Kara's cockpit, her Viper still heading toward the hard deck. Her eyes were wide and clear. Then she closed them.
Suddenly, Kara was tossed about again, her head snapping around, as her Viper began impacting the atmosphere of the planet, the nose of her Viper glowing with the beginning of flames, as the friction slammed against the ship.
Behind her, Lee watched, mesmerized, as he saw Kara's ship continuing downward, his own Viper not far behind hers.
His cockpit lit up with a sudden, brilliant explosion, as Kara's ship was torn asunder by the forces of the atmosphere.
"No! NO!"
Admiral Bill Adama picked up his growler. "Apollo! Get out of there! Abort! Abort!"
For a long, extended, dreadful moment, no one in CIC heard any reply, as Lee struggled to get his Viper out of the thickening atmosphere which was hurtling him toward his own demise. He struggled mightily to right his ship.
"Do you have her in sight? Can you see her!" Everyone in CIC could only rivet their eyes on the different Dradis displays, still seeing Lee's ship.
"Negative." Everyone heard the defeat in Lee's voice. "She...she went in."
Tigh's face was one of horror, realizing, yet not realizing, what Lee was saying.
"She went in."
"We're sending in the search and rescue birds right now. We'll find her."
"No, dad, it's no use", he said, forgetting military protocol, just a son talking to his father now. "Her ship's in pieces. Her ship's in pieces. No chute. Repeat, no chute. We lost her."
To be concluded in the final story.