A/N - Really enjoyed reading through the reviews with your thoughts on the last chapter. When I decided to post the story, it was one of the parts that I was most interested to hear your perspectives on. I'm not a parent myself, but I imagined that there could be a lot of complexities in the situation that Emily and Alison have found themselves in. There were varying opinions on Emily, and that was on purpose. She's in a tough place too, and they will have to sort that out.
You all are keeping me entertained as well through this time by your dialogue- Thanks so much for that. With that said, hope ya'll enjoy this next one!
—
Emily sat on Doctor Brown's suggestion for a couple of days. She hated that she had let it get to this point with Alison. Lately, it felt like she was playing a balancing act of overcoming her past, working, raising two young girls, dating, managing Alison... and it was tough.
They had done well throughout the Summer, but some issues had undoubtedly slipped through the cracks. Ultimately, she believed that it was a good idea and that the therapy session would probably help both of them, but she wasn't sure what Alison's thoughts would be. Their most recent arguments had brought out their old patterns of behavior and it was alarming to Emily. She knew that some of what she had said to the other girl was wrong, but she also thought that her beliefs behind her actions were valid. It left her feeling conflicted and confused. Still though, she knew that she needed to apologize and that she and Alison needed to talk.
The problem was that Alison was doing what she typically did when she felt attacked- retreat and pull away. It scared Emily because she didn't want push her so far away to the point that she had two years ago. She tried to make small conversation when Alison called before bedtime, but the blonde sidestepped it. She put on a show for the girls and quickly got off the phone before Emily could talk to her.
By Tuesday, Emily realized the she was going to have to just suck it up and call her. She hoped that Alison would be receptive of going to a session with her and she really thought that this would help both of them. When she called, the phone rang once and went straight to voicemail. Emily ran a hand over her face in frustration and sighed, assuming that Alison was screening her calls now.
In reality, Alison actually sent the call to voicemail because she was sitting in a lecture. She hadn't planned to attend Business Sam's career lecture at all- she had actually forgotten all about it after dealing with a sick child all weekend. But earlier as she walked through the hallway of the Liberal Arts building, a lime green flyer caught her eye and she noted that the lecture was down the hall in the next few minutes. She didn't really want to give him the satisfaction of actually getting her to the lecture, but in the end she decided to sneak in and see what exactly he had to offer her students.
Emily had called her in the middle of it and Alison silenced the call. She figured if it was really important, Emily would continue to reach out.
The lecture was actually very good. As it turned out, Sam had played baseball at UPenn and studied psychology without having any real ambition towards working in it professionally. When he graduated, he realized that he didn't have a back up plan and detailed to the students all of the hoops that he had to jump through to find his new career. She was impressed by the resilience and the idea that someone could start over and completely reinvent their self. She decided that it would be beneficial to her students to attend the next time he held a lecture and mentally planned not to throw his flyers away next time.
She tried to quickly leave after it was over, but got caught.
"Are you sneaking out on me, Professor DiLaurentis?" He called from behind her.
Most of the students had anxiously ran out once the lecture was over, content in receiving their extra credit and ready to get on with their day. She turned around with a smirk. "You can call me Alison you know".
"Just being formal. I respect what you do". He packed his laptop into its case, "So I see I convinced you to attend after all?"
"More like I wanted to know what exactly it was that I was supposed to send my students to. I figured the best way was to see for myself." She raised an eyebrow.
"And what grade would you give me?" He looked up at her with a smile. Normally she would think it was cheesy, but she decided that she actually liked his smile. She hadn't been in high spirits lately and seeing someone look happy was actually a bit contagious.
"A good enough grade that I'll recommend you to my students next time around." While she had actually thought the lecture was very interesting, he seemed confident enough that she didn't need to sing his praises.
She looked down at her phone and saw a text from Emily that had followed the missed call.
'Do you have a few minutes? I was hoping that we could talk'
She didn't register, but Sam had started talking again, "You know I was hoping I would run into you again because I-"
"-I actually have to get going," she cut him off, still a little distracted by her phone. Emily hadn't called her outside of bedtime stories and drop time confirmations in a couple of weeks. She was worried that something could be wrong. She smiled politely one last time and walked out of the room, shooting a text back.
'Yeah, I'm free now. Just stepped out of a lecture.'
The phone rang a minute later. Alison took a deep breath and picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hey," Emily greeted softly.
"Is everything okay?" Alison asked, concern seeping into her voice.
"The girls are fine, yeah. I'm picking them up at my mom's house soon". Alison sensed that something was up, though. Emily seemed nervous.
"Well... are you okay?" Alison asked.
"Um, I haven't been great honestly," Emily huffed out a nervous laugh. "I kind of hate the way that things have been the last few weeks".
"Yeah..." Alison had gone through a wide range of emotions since the incident with the broccoli and the tension that followed. It had thrown her whole mood off and affected her routine. She wasn't sure where Emily was going with this, though, or what to say. Emily wasn't ready to 100% trust her with the girls and she'd made her feelings pretty clear.
"I haven't really been the best co-parenting partner and I'm sorry for that," Emily told her earnestly.
This was new, Alison thought. She was so thrown by the sudden apology that she wasn't quite sure what to say.
Emily let the silence hang for a minute before continuing, "Things were going so well with us- how we were splitting our time with the girls... I want us to get back on track".
"I want that too," Alison agreed, "These last couple of weeks have been hard".
"I'm sorry for that. I'm working on figuring out why I've been struggling so much with this".
"What should we do?"
"Well," Emily tiptoed into it tentatively, "I wanted to ask if you would be willing to do something with me. I- I think it would really help". She wished that she wasn't so nervous about this, but she couldn't shake the feeling.
Emily's nerves seemed to jump to Alison. She felt herself getting anxious. "What's that?" She asked the brunette.
"Would you go to one of my therapy sessions with me?" Emily asked quickly before she chickened out.
It was silent on the other end and Emily wanted to kick herself. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea.
"What do you think," she pushed Alison to try and get some feedback.
"I... I think that we've already tried couples therapy, and that ended horribly". They had gone to a few sessions together before deciding to separate. One had ended with a huge fight and the other had ended with Alison walking out and crying in her car. They didn't do well in situations where they were pressed to discuss their feelings. Alison was worried that trying this might make their current situation worse, not better.
"Well it wouldn't really be couple's therapy per say." Especially since they weren't a couple anymore, she thought. "It would be more like you coming to my session for support. I thought it would help me get some things out and be good for you to hear," Emily explained.
The blonde thought about it. Emily seemed really earnest. Plus, Alison knew that retreating and avoiding the other girl wasn't doing any good- it never had.
"Okay," she agreed, "when is the session?"
—
Two days later, Alison found herself walking into an unfamiliar office building feeling about as apprehensive as she had when her plane landed in Philadelphia three months ago. She opened the door to the lobby and saw Emily sitting in a chair, patiently waiting for her. It was shortly after Rosewood High had let out, so the brunette was still wearing her signature coaching track suit. The outfit felt familiar to her, and it eased her panic momentarily. She let herself slip back into memories of working alongside Emily at RHS. The brunette was always stopping by Alison's English classroom to say hello between classes or bringing lunch so that they could eat together. Sometimes Alison would sneak downstairs to the gym when she had a free period and would slip into Emily's office. Sometimes they would draw blinds down and share kisses. Sometimes they would do more than kiss. There had been a blissful school year after they had gotten engaged where they couldn't keep their hands off of each other and Alison felt like she had a silly smile constantly plastered on her face.
It didn't last though- most happy things that had occurred in her life didn't.
"Hey," Emily have a small smile from across the room, "you ready?"
Alison really wasn't ready, but she forced herself to nod and follow the brunette's lead towards her therapist's office.
She felt the physical panic the second that she sat down in the chair. She vaguely listened as Emily greeted Doctor Brown, but struggled to focus. She felt hot all of the sudden, and her heart felt like like a roller coaster picking up speed on its descent down the hill. She tried to control her breathing as Emily introduced her.
The panic wasn't lost on the brunette. She could see the far away look in Alison's eyes and noted that her breathing looked a little erratic.
"You know," she directed to the therapist, "could we actually have a minute quick?"
"Of course," Doctor Brown stood up from her chair and smiled at the two women before exiting the room.
Emily reached across the chairs and put her hand on Alison's arm, "Hey, are you alright?"
Alison pressed her eyes shut as she flashes back to one of the experiments that she and the others had been a part of in Beacon Heights. She knew that Emily had no way of knowing because she'd never told the other girls exactly what had happened there. When it passed, she opened her eyes and looked at the brunette, noting the concerned look on her face.
"Yeah, I'm okay," she shook her head to try and clear the thoughts out. "Sorry about that."
It worried Emily. She knew that Alison had her reservations about coming, but didn't know that they went so deep. She sought out the other girls eyes and looked directly into them, "Was it just nerves? Or were you thinking about the stuff from couples therapy? or-"
"No, it's not that," the blonde dipped her head to release herself from Emily's gaze. She'd never really talked to Emily about some of the things she endured.
"Do you want to leave?" Emily offered, "I can just reschedule and can come back myself another time."
"You don't need to do that." She didn't want to derail Emily's whole session. Truthfully, Emily's touch and concern had calmed her down some. "I can do this. I want to do this."
She took a deep breath and forced out a smile. She really wanted them to get back on track and if this is what it took, she was going to need to do her best to keep her inner fears calm.
Emily wasn't completely convinced. "Are you sure?" She asked, and searched the blonde's face trying to make eye contact again.
She met the brunette's gaze and felt herself relaxing even further. Emily had always had such a strong effect on her. She'd made her feel some of the highest highs of her life and also some of the lowest lows. Emily would always have a pull on her, and right now she was more than willing to let Emily pull her back to reality. They were here in Pennsylvania, not Oregon. This therapy session was going to help them, not bring out her worst fears. Emily was with her, she could do this.
"I just needed to take some breaths. I'm good now." She nodded.
As if on cue, Doctor Brown knocked lightly on the door checking to see if everything was alright. Emily called out for her to come in so that they could begin.
Emily started by catching her therapist up on the some of the recent things she'd been up to lately. It was usually a good icebreaker and since the only met every couple of weeks there was always plenty to talk about. Alison stayed quiet, but listened intently. Since she and Emily hadn't spoken much after their argument, she really had no idea what the other girl had been up to.
What Emily hadn't mentioned in her update was anything about the disagreements that the two had. She wasn't sure how to bring it up, and realized for the first time that with Alison in the session with her she may need to be a little less candid than she normally was. It didn't get past Doctor Brown what was missing from the update.
"So what else has been going on? You told me that you two have been struggling somewhat with your co-parenting".
Alison looked at Emily to see how the brunette would answer. Emily had apologized, but they both knew that simple apologies wouldn't get them through this. There were underlying issues going on that needed to be explored. As nervous as Alison was to explore them, she knew deep down that it would help them. That was why she'd agreed to come in the first place.
"Yeah, I'm not sure when it started but we-"
"Actually Emily," the therapist cut her short, "I think that since Alison is here it might be more beneficial to hear what has been going on from her perspective."
Alison sat up in her chair with wide eyes, similar to how her students react when she calls on them without warning in the middle of a lecture. "Oh, um- yeah I guess I could…" She looked at Emily to make sure it was alright.
The brunette nodded. She got Alison to come along under the guise of an observer but she knew how Doctor Brown worked. It was inevitable that she would ask for Alison's perspective at some point.
"I'm not totally sure where it started either," the blonde agreed as she began, "We had a pretty smooth Summer and handled the girls routines like clockwork. They were happy… Emily and I were getting along… and then something just broke a couple of weeks go."
"What do you mean by broke?"
"We got off course and haven't really been able to get back on," the blonde explained.
"Was there a specific incident or argument that took you off course?" Doctor Brown asked.
"Um, it started being about making the girls eat broccoli, but I feel like by the end it wasn't about the broccoli anymore." Alison wasn't sure what exactly she should say. She didn't have the confidence in the therapist built-in from time spent together like Emily had. She also didn't want to throw either of them under the bus or potentially start another fight right there in the middle of the session.
"It's okay, Ali," Emily spoke up, "you can tell her what I said."
Really though Emily was dreading hearing it for a second time- especially in front of Doctor Brown- but if she'd learned anything in the past year it was that she had to deal with issues head on and admit times when she was in the wrong.
"Okay, well it started because the girls wouldn't eat their broccoli and they told me that Emily had told them one night that week that they didn't have to eat it anymore. Honestly I thought that they were just trying to get one over on us so later that night I said something to Emily about it and it went downhill.. like really fast". Alison explained. "It turned into us arguing about who had the easier schedule and Emily reminding me that I had a two year mom break". She looked away. She didn't like to think about that part. It hurt. Not because it wasn't true, but because a part of her felt guilty knowing that it was true.
"So like you alluded to earlier," Doctor Brown directed to both of them, "it wasn't really about the broccoli."
"I wasn't judging you for not making them eat it if that's what you thought," Alison told Emily, "I just wanted us to be on the same page."
Emily pressed her lips together and nodded. Part of what set her off during the argument was the idea that Alison would criticize anything that she did with the girls after not being there to raise them full time like she had.
"Emily?" Doctor Brown prodded.
"It wasn't that I felt like you were judging me," she paused. It was hard to get everything out without coming across as harsh. She took a few seconds, trying to find the best way to say what the real issue was. It would be hard, but it was what she had trained herself to do when she was in this office- be honest. "I think sometimes I just feel resentful that you were gone for so long".
Alison felt her chest get tight at that. She had always suspected that Emily felt this way, but she'd never actually told the blonde outright. It was almost a little bit shocking to hear Emily just come out with it. She stared ahead, not looking at either Emily or Doctor Brown, and nodded her head. It reminded her of the revelation Emily had two years ago when she'd finally looked at Alison and told her that she didn't trust her. The same revelation that had caused their marriage to crumble.
"Do you believe that you can get past this resentment?" Doctor Brown asked.
Emily took a minute to think and Alison held her breath the whole time to the point where she thought that she would pass out before hearing the answer.
"I do. Eventually." Emily nodded and looked over towards the blonde, "I just need you to be patient with me."
Alison pressed her lips together and nodded in return.
"Can you try and do a better job of trusting me in the meantime?" She asked. She knew that it was a big request given their history, but she was trying so hard to do everything right. She needed the other girl to trust her for their situation was going to work out.
Doctor Brown's ears perked up at this. Trusting Alison had been one of the things that she'd been working on with Emily and she hadn't been aware until now that Emily wasn't doing what she had set out to do.
"I know that I shouldn't have driven over to your apartment when Grace was sick," Emily confessed. She'd known that she shouldn't at the time, but she couldn't help the instinct that she had to take care of and protect her daughter.
"Can you tell me about this?" Doctor Brown directed back to Alison. The blonde recounted what had happened the previous week. How Emily had barged in and made her feel like she couldn't take care of their daughter.
"Did you know that you made her feel that way?" She directed to Emily.
"I realized later how that came across," the brunette admitted. "I want you to know that I do trust you with the girls. It didn't seem like it that day, but I do." She told Alison.
The blonde shook her head slightly, not making eye contact. "You made me feel like a bad mom because I didn't know that one of our twins didn't drink strawberry Pedialyte." She said, her voice coming out strained and much more quiet that it had been so far.
Emily swallowed hard. She knew that Alison had always been scared about being a good mother.
"It wasn't about you, Ali. It was about me." Emily sighed. Alison looked over at her with furrowed brows so she elaborated, "I'm having trouble letting go of the reins and sharing parenting the girls equally between us".
"Because you don't feel like we are actually equal parents," Alison deducted.
"No, that's not why," Emily shook her head and gave Alison a serious look. "We are equal parents. You're a great mother to them. They adore you. There's never been a time when I thought that you were any less of a parent than I was."
"Except for the two years that I wasn't there." Alison pointed out with a raised brow.
"That's…" Emily trailed off. She wanted to say that it wasn't true, but that would have been a lie. She had just admitted less than five minutes ago that she felt resentful of Alison. And if she was being honest, she did feel like more of a parent the last couple of years.
"And except for the fact that I'm not biologically their mother and you didn't think that I was invested enough" Alison added, letting her emotions get the best of her. Both girls knew that the statements weren't indeed 'fact', but they had come up years ago when Alison was pulling away from Emily and Emily extrapolated that she was pulling away from their family.
"I never should have said that back then," Emily shook her head, "I didn't mean that".
"Are you sure?" Alison asked, raising her voice slightly, "because you told me the other night that you didn't mean it when you said I was on a two year parenting break and now you're saying that you resent me for that".
Emily stared at the ground before resting her elbows on her knees and covering her face with her hands. This was clearly not a good idea. Why did she agree to ask Alison to come to therapy with her. She should have just explained the situation to Doctor Brown and made the adjustments that she needed to make moving forward.
"Emily?" Doctor Brown addressed her, sensing that she was shutting down.
The brunette moved her hands to her temples and massaged them for a moment before speaking out loud to neither of them in particular, "I don't think this is about Pedialyte, or broccoli, or you being gone for two years. I think that this is about us never addressing some of our issues from early on and before our relationship." Silence hung in the air after she spoke as the three of them took in what this meant.
"So what do we do?" Alison asked.
Emily shrugged. She felt defeated. Their relationship had been doomed. Their marriage was doomed. And, eventually, their co-parenting arrangement would probably be doomed. She didn't see a light. It was exactly how she felt the day that she realized that she needed to file for divorce.
"Emily," Doctor Brown interrupted her pity party, "Don't decide to shut down now."
Emily furrowed her brows and snapped her head in the direction of her therapist. She wasn't deciding to shut down. What did she want her to say? "I don't know what we're supposed to do here".
"Well, you two can leave here if you want, knowing that you're going to continue circling around these same issues every time one of you does something that that other one doesn't l like... or," she paused looking between them, "we can try to find ways to move forward from these issues".
Both Emily and Alison stared back at her, eyes unblinking, focused on her words. Obviously they both didn't want the first option- it hadn't worked for the past five years since they had first gotten together. Could they really move forward though?
"I think that you both see your past being full of issues that you can't change."
Alison shook her head, "Well you can't change the past, that's kind of the point". She had spent the last decade trying to make up for the mistakes that she'd made over the years and had found that she couldn't live up to her new ideal.
"No," Doctor Brown agreed, "but I think you can pick and choose which aspects you can accept and which you can't. Then decide how to move forward".
Emily was familiar with this. They'd touched on it a few times when talking about her trust issues. There were things from their past that she could accept. By this point, Alison's disappearance almost felt like a lifetime ago, but the trust issues that were born during that time unfortunately manifested into smaller things that happened in the day to day- like when she'd found several graduate school acceptance letters hidden in one of Alison's drawers. It had felt like she was back in high school, finding Alison's fake IDs and having no idea what the blonde had planned.
"Maybe it would help to see where you two stand on some of these parts of your past. It's up to you to decide if you can move on. And it's okay if there are some things that you're stuck on. If you're aware of exactly what the trigger points are, you can do your best to recognize them and maybe eventually avoid them".
Alison thought about it. She'd always tried to avoid their past issues. Bringing them up made her feel guilty. She felt guilt about so many things that she'd done over the years. The way that she played hot and cold with Emily when they were fourteen... hiding for two years and leaving the girls to deal with A's repercussions... building a relationship with Charlotte and eventually getting duped by Archer. She had tried to put her best foot forward and change, but she was never really sure what the expectation was that she change into. She realized that she was just trying to be what she assumed others wanted her to be.
Alison brought her attention back to Doctor Brown and nodded. She needed to know where Emily stood on the past so that they could build an expectation to move forward with. She couldn't always tiptoe around and make guesses, she had to know.
Dr. Brown moved her gaze to Emily, "Can you talk to her about the times that your trust has been broken in the past?"
Emily looked apprehensive. She was nervous to air some of these times. Some she knew were totally valid, some she thought might not be quite as such.
"Just start at the beginning," Alison coxed her in knowing that she needed to finally listen, "I need to hear it".
It kicked off a conversation that seemed to go on forever. They talked about the times when Alison had hurt Emily. Why she sometimes felt like she still didn't truly know the girl sitting across from her. Alison explained the times that she'd tried to live up to whatever Emily expected, how she kept feeling like she was missing the mark. How the brunette had hurt her too over the years.
It exhausted them, but they felt lighter once it was all done. They may not have been able to figure out some of their problems in time to salvage their marriage, but it felt like they had a real breakthrough in understanding each other. They felt like they had come to a truce that they could move forward with.
—
After the session, they walked out of the building and then through the parking lot together. Neither of them spoke, both deep in thought from the last ninety minutes. They reached Alison's car first and both girls lingered by the driver side door. Alison didn't make any moves to unlock it, and Emily didn't continue on to her car.
"That was…" Alison raised her eyebrows, "intense."
"Uh, yeah." Emily huffed out a soft laugh. She hadn't expected them to get that deep. She honestly thought they'd air their recent issues, she'd apologize, and they'd move on. It hadn't been easy but she felt like some of the weight she had been saddling around for years had been lifted- or at least brought out in the opened.
*Are they usually like that?"
"No, we usually just talk about random things that the twins do or crazy things my mom and Hanna say."
Alison pressed her lips together before asking in a quiet voice, "Do you think we're really going to be okay?"
Emily looked at the blonde in front of her, holding her gaze. She stared into Alison's eyes- blue, unmoving, almost pleading. The question made her think back to the session with Doctor Brown months ago, when she had asked how they were supposed to come back from everything that had happened. Her therapist's response, 'You might not' had never sat well with Emily. After she left, she had promised herself to make sure that didn't happen. She still wanted to keep that promise now, but she needed Alison on her team for that to happen. They needed to work together. They needed to both believe that they could do this.
"I do," she told her, voice serious, brown eyes never leaving blue, "we have to be okay."
Alison nodded, "We can do this," she let out a breath, "We have to... for the girls."
Emily shook her head, "No." At that Alison forehead crinkled in confusion. Emily took a breath, her heartbeat started to pick up as she studied the girl in front of her. "I mean- yeah we absolutely have to work as hard as we can for their sake... but we have to do this for us too." If they didn't do this for themselves, it would never work. And she wanted it to. She wanted more than anything to have a positive relationship with the woman in front of her.
"I want that too," Alison told her.
Emily smiled. She was relieved to hear that. Relieved that they had made it through the therapy session without one of them walking out. Relieved that maybe they'd made it through the storm and were coming out on the other side. Only time would tell, but she felt hopeful that they really could move forward.
"Come here," she pulled Alison into a hug. She couldn't help it. She felt so emotionally close to the other woman right now and needed her to know that.
They stayed that way for a few minutes, hugging next to Alison's car as the September sun started to fade. It felt to Emily like they were solidifying a promise to each other. That they would work through their issues, no matter how hard it was, no matter how emotionally tolling.
"I love you," Alison mumbled against her shoulder. She knew that it didn't mean that the blonde was in love with her. They had told each other even after the divorce that they could always say that to each other.
And she understood that their divorce was final. They weren't married anymore and there wouldn't be any romance to be gained from the hug or from any tough conversations that they had today or in the future. But it meant something. It was worth it to have the best relationship that she could with Alison. They had known each other since they were eight. They had started feeling things for each other that went beyond friendship since they were fourteen. They had been married at one point. They had two little girls that they were raising together. The woman that she was embracing mattered to her.
So it only made sense to whisper back into the mass of blonde hair that she was resting on, "I love you too".
Whatever that meant anymore.
—
A/N - Gah, these two. I'm not crying, you're crying. Maybe? Let me know. Thank you for reading! Take care of yourselves.