She Comes And Goes As She Pleases (Part 59)
by BrDPirateMan

Eri took her time adjusting her shoes. She hefted her knapsack over her shoulder and patted her cheeks with both hands.

"Everyone back at Cafe du Cosplay is counting on me," she said. "Gotta work hard!"

"I won't worry," I said, giving her a pat on the arm. "You're used to wearing all sorts of clothes and you've had experience serving customers in a restaurant. Those are the two skills you need the most right now… and you've got them. You'll do just fine."

"I'll be more than fine," she boasted. "I got this in the bag."

"C'mon, let's go."

The day of the college festival had finally arrived. Eri needed to help her cosplay cafe colleagues to get ready and smoothen out any last-minute kinks, which was why she had to depart early. She was bristling with excitement at what she saw as a 'fun' job. And getting to dress up for the occasion was a big plus in her book, being the clothes horse that she was.

I drove her to college and when we approached the entrance, the first thing that greeted me was a huge signboard with "WELCOME" emblazoned across the top, followed by a summary of the stalls and events on offer. Past the entrance, I saw a multitude of stalls being set up. Students were rushing around, getting things ready. It was a very busy scene. No one was a slacker.

"Alright, I gotta go," said Eri. "It'll be a while till it all starts so come back later. Catch you at the café soon!"

"Won't miss it for the world. Good luck, Eri."

We parted ways and while she ran off to join her colleagues, I left the premises for the time being and parked myself in a nearby manga cafe. I got myself the latest issue of Petalchaser Chronicles to while away the time (making sure to set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to head back) but found that I couldn't concentrate on my manga at all. I was turning pages and I was certainly looking at them but nothing registered in my head. All I could think about was the festival.

Eventually the suspense proved too much to contain and I went back to the college before the alarm went off. The entire scene had transformed. Earlier it was a hodgepodge of activity, now it flowed much more smoothly. There was already a sizable bunch of people milling around inside. I wasted no time jumping into the fray.

There was so much colour all over the place that my eyes could explode. It's basically like Hachi Fest, just not as strong when it came to 'eyeball-exploding-ness', for lack of a better term. Still worthy of mention, nonetheless.

There were lots of things all around, but the cosplay cafe was a definite must-see. I wanted to see Eri at work and find out what she was going to wear for today. Come to think of it, a bunny suit might be a little too much after all… but hey, a guy can dream, right?

Dotted throughout the place were a handful of people who stood out amongst the crowd because they were dressed from head to toe in black suits, the kind that office workers typically wear. They were young men and women about my age, and curiously they were also wearing white gloves and what I could only describe as police caps. Some were standing around and keeping watch, others were running about the place being busy. My guess was that they were helping out with the festival. Maybe they're the festival committee Shiki was a part of.

I was taking in the sights when someone tapped me on the shoulder. When I spun round, I found myself face to face with one of these mysterious MIBs. She was cradling a stack of leaflets in one arm. Her face was tilted downwards slightly and her cap made it impossible to see her entire face. But even then I could see she was being quite stern.

She cleared her throat. "Ahem! Just what do you think you're up to?"

Nothing. Heck, I hadn't even started to do anything. I was all set to explain myself, assert that I'd done nothing wrong. But then I just realized I recognized her voice…

I balled my hands into fists and outstretched them side by side, joking, "If you're gonna cuff me, Shiki, do it quickly. I've got places to be."

She lifted her head and graced me with her cheeky smile.

"I'll let you go this time since this is your first offence."

"What, loitering around?"

"Sure. If you want to avoid capital punishment, then at least have a plan so you know where to go." And she handed me a leaflet.

"First day on the job's always a power trip, huh?"

"It's a rush," she laughed, "and you don't know the half of it."

"What is with your getup anyway? You look like a cop or something."

"The festival committee said we gotta wear this to stand out. Then everyone will know who to turn to if they need help."

"Okay, but black clothes in this hot weather along with gloves and a cap? Talk about impractical. You'll be stewing in your own sweat before long."

"Tell that to the president," she said with a shrug. "His idea, not mine."

"Sounds like dear ol' Prez has a uniform fetish. Either way, you look like you need a drink. Let me get you something."

"Y-You don't need – "

"Be back in a sec."

I took five seconds to buy an iced barley tea at the nearest stall and pressed it into her hands.

"Oh, uh… thanks! Like I said, you didn't need to…"

I ignored her subtle protests and coaxed her to a shady area under an awning. Then, as she greedily sipped her tea with a goofy smile of relief on her face, it was time to move on to other things.

"So," I said good-naturedly, "think you can handle today?"

"I'll be alright. It's been hectic though. Right from the start a couple of stalls already had problems, so it was up to us to help sort them out."

"You got your hands full, huh?"

"Oh yes. Like with the cosplay cafe…"

Concerned, my brow stitched into knots. "What happened? Is Eri okay?"

"Don't worry, she's fine. But there's been a delay, so it'll be a while before they can set up shop proper. Give 'em another half hour and they should be good to go."

"There's no helping it, then. Tell me, officer, there are so many things to do here. What do you suggest I start with?"

"Apart from a spell in prison to straighten you out?"

"I was hoping to do some community service instead," I said, smirking. "Anyway, suggestions?"

"Try the takoyaki stall," she said, pointing somewhere to my left. "They serve up some mean stuff. There are also kebabs and candied apples along the way. But don't eat too much! You need to have some space left in your stomach for when you visit the cosplay cafe."

"Noted. Any fun things to try?"

"Hmm, we got a haunted house if you're up for some scares. That-a-way." This time she pointed to my right, stretching her arm up higher to imply that it was farther away. "There are some game stalls over this way too, and then there's the most important thing…"

"What's that?"

"We're holding a ton of events at the auditorium later on in the afternoon, so be sure to head on over. There will be lots of things to see! Guaranteed fun!"

"But what's in store for me?"

"There's a play, a comedy show, a performance by the Light Music Club, and… uh…" She took a peek through the leaflet on the top of her stack to refresh her memory.

"Hey, no cheating."

She giggled but nonetheless continued with the spiel. "…two more music shows, and last but not least, the much-awaited Miss Campus beauty contest."

"Well, now you're talking. I hope the contestants are pretty. They are pretty, right? I don't want to have to look at a bunch of shaved orangutans."

"Pfft! Sh-Shaved orangutans…" Shiki's frame shook with the laughter she was trying so desperately to contain. When she was finally able to speak coherently, she said, "Hey now, don't be rude. They're the prettiest flowers on campus! Just see for yourself and you'll know what I mean."

"That I will. But I swear, if an orangutan really does show up…"

Now she almost choked on her tea. "Oh, get out of here!"

"I'll see you around, Shiki."

And so I walked off. She was stifling her laughter and couldn't respond in words, settling for a shaky wave of her hand.

I opened my leaflet and skimmed through today's programme. It looked like today would be a full day. I made a mental note of the stalls I wanted to check out, and made good on Shiki's advice not to eat too much in preparation for my visit to the cosplay cafe.

Muttering to myself under my breath, "This is gonna be fun."

XOXOXOXOXO

The cosplay cafe would not be open till later. Maybe I could visit the game stalls and work up an appetite in the meantime. With that in mind, I headed off in their direction.

It's all nothing new by now if you've ever been to a couple of Hachi Fests. Hoop tosses, shooting galleries, fishing games… the works. They're all there. But that didn't make them any less fun. Now which one should I go for first –

"Gah!"

That cry of frustration was followed by someone else's laughter.

"Wow, Uzuki, no offense, but… you're bad at this."

"You'll eat your words when I get the next one."

As I approached the sounds of their voices, and saw Uzuki and Kariya at a shooting gallery, their gentle back-and-forth ribbing continued.

"You're not even holding it the right way," said Kariya. "Here, let me show you how the pros do it."

I watched from afar in amusement as she handed him the toy rifle she was using to knock down her targets. He proceeded to give her advice that, from the looks of it, she cared little about because of how absurd it sounded.

"Aim down the sights, like this. You see that little thing sticking out at the top of the barrel? That's kinda like your aiming reticle."

"Riiiight… Aiming reticle…"

"Then you align it with the target of your choice, and you hold your breath…"

"Hold my breath? What the heck for?"

"So you can steady your aim, of course! Otherwise it goes all over the place. You want those precious headshots, you absolutely gotta do this step!"

"You play way too many video games, Kariya."

"It's legitimate advice! Now watch. I'm gonna nail this one, and then you'll see…"

Inwardly I chuckled to myself as he took his sweet time adjusting his sights. At one point, Uzuki even deadpanned, "Are we there yet?" to which a resolute Kariya displayed ignorance. You simply don't mess with a man with his toy gun.

Then he pulled the trigger… and the shot went wide.

With a "meh" expression on his face, he said, "I knew it. This game is rigged."

"Sure it is," sighed Uzuki. "Sure."

Again and again they tried their hand at marksmanship, only to fail each time and horribly at that. Eventually, after the comedy started to wear thin, I decided to put an end to their misery.

"I told you, Uzuki. You gotta hold your breath when you pull the trigger!"

"There's no need for such complex tactics! Besides, you haven't won a single thing even with those 'protips' of yours."

"I-I'm just warming up for the real deal!"

I marched on over and tapped him on the arm. "Hey."

Kariya spun round and smiled in pleasant surprise when he saw me. "Oh, hey, Phones! Fancy seeing you here, man! What's up?"

"You guys are being quite desperate over such a simple game."

"No, no, no. We're not 'desperate'," he corrected, wagging his finger. "It's just that we haven't scored a hit at all and that's gotten our undies in a bunch. All we need is one win – just one! – and we'll be done with this game forever."

"And that's how gambling addiction starts for a lot of people…"

"Then you try it." He handed me the rifle. "And then when you see how difficult it is, you'll know how hard it is to put down. That urge to keep trying even when you know you're likely to fail… is a force to be reckoned with! I should know!"

Uzuki mumbled, "Don't sound so proud of yourself when we've already spent more than 2000 yen on this game."

"That part was supposed to be a secret, you know."

I paid for my turn and aimed the rifle at my targets in a seemingly careless manner. Kariya was about to start with the gun tips again but I shut him up by knocking over one of the soft toys with minimal effort. He looked on in disbelief as the stallholder presented me with my prize. Uzuki's reaction was muted but I think deep down inside, she was stunned too.

One more super-quick round with the rifle and I found myself with two soft toys, one in each hand.

"For you," I said, handing each of the Reapers a toy.

"How did you do that?" wowed Kariya. "You didn't even follow my tips!"

I smirked. "You're welcome."

Then I slunk into the crowd and left them to it… or at least, that was the plan, but I got curious about them. Staying hidden within the throng of people, I moved to a safer spot where I would not be easily seen and watched them. They just stood there awkwardly, holding their soft toys. What happened to them? They looked like they had no idea what to do next.

Eventually they did do something. Kariya gave his toy to Uzuki, muttering, "Uh… here. This is for you."

She responded in kind, giving him her toy. "Here. Yours."

So they just exchanged their prizes? That's kinda cute. A bit meaningless since they both had the exact same kind of toy, but it's the thought that counts.

"I'll get you one with my own skill next time," promised Kariya.

Apparently he had stabbed her through her armor and into her heart with that honest remark, because she suddenly was at a loss for words. She did settle for, "O-Okay, I… I guess I'll be waiting."

Heh. They're making good progress. There's hope in this world yet. Satisfied, I made my way to another game stall.

XOXOXOXOXO

While searching for the cosplay cafe, I got horribly lost. Now, I shouldn't get lost when my leaflet had a map, but that's exactly what I did. I was lucky to come across a couple of those dark-suited student cops, who directed me on the right path.

And here I was! Standing outside the cosplay cafe – really a repurposed classroom – and peeking in through the open door, I could see that almost all of the seats were occupied. The other thing I noticed was that the staff were all outlandishly dressed. I caught sight of a girl in a frilly magical girl outfit, as well as a guy dressed like a plumber, red coveralls and all. However, Eri had yet to appear.

When I went inside, the waiter standing near the entrance addressed me. His appearance startled me. Dressed as a pirate, he had everything to look the part – the hat, the poofy shirt, a cutlass hanging from his belt and even black eyeliner and fake dreadlocks. No parrot though.

"Arrr! Table for one, sir?"

He escorted me to a small corner table before handing me a menu and scurrying off to serve another customer. The menu was laughably limited with only five or six dishes, but as this was not a real restaurant, this was easy to forgive. The staff was gangly and awkward with serving the customers too; again, it's hard to fault them for this. The only one with any real experience was Eri.

Come on, girl, where are you? I wanted to see her costume…

Presently a waiter came over. "Your order, sir?"

"Ah, yes. I'd like – "

Turns out, my waiter was a waitress. A waitress by the name of Eri Tanikawa. At last I've found her. And she was dressed as… a butler. Of course.

It's not easy to mask my disappointment, though I compensated by making my smile wider than usual. I know it's a cosplay cafe and she's free to wear whatever she fancied, but I thought for sure she'd wear something sexy… So long, bunny suit…

Ever the immaculate professional, she repeated, "Sir? Your order?"

"Oh, um… one penne arrabiata, please. And an OJ."

"Will that be all?"

"Y-Yes, thanks."

"Very good, sir. Just relax and we will be back with you shortly."

Eri bowed gracefully and left me with a soft yet devilishly handsome smile. If it wasn't for the fact that it was clearly a girl in that outfit (she didn't bother to tape down her breasts this time, I could tell), I'd have mistaken her for a guy. I guess all that time at Tea & Orange must have by now honed her 'butler-ness' to a fine point.

And it showed. No one could take their eyes off of her. The guys looked confused and conflicted. One would think she'd choose a more feminine outfit, but if she looked great in men's clothes, there's no reason to complain, is there? As for the girls, well…

"She looks good as a guy," said a female customer. "Totally hot."

"I know, right?" gushed her friend. "For someone whom I know is a girl, she sure is dreamy. Wonder if I can get her number…"

A couple of gal pals over at the next table could be heard whispering to each other. "That's Eri, isn't it? From fashion design."

"Yeah… She's single, right? I hope she's single."

"Hell no. She's got a boyfriend."

"A boyfriend? How's that work? She's a guy."

Stop it. You're getting confused, woman. Shut up and calm down.

Eri returned with my OJ. I motioned her to lean in so I could whisper to her.

"Just a friendly warning," I said, half-jokingly. "You are now officially the hottest thing to most of the girls in this room. Watch your back, will you? And be careful not to get jumped."

Temporarily breaking character, she whispered back with a knowing grin, "Then that's good news! It means I'm doing my job right."

"Are all girls at your college like this? Not that I particularly mind."

She chuckled. "It's just a phase. They'll get over it."

"And if they don't?"

"Then I guess I'll really have to watch my back."

"Good grief." I rolled my eyes, which she found funny. "You oughta tone it down a notch if you don't wanna get mobbed. So hey, when do you get off work? I wanna enjoy the festival with you."

"We close shop at 3 pm, but my shift finishes at 2. Give me ten minutes to help with the cleanup and then I'll be ready."

"Great! I'll meet up with you at around… quarter past two?"

"Perfect. Don't be late!"

"I won't."

Before she left for another table, she reverted to her butler persona and said, "Before I forget, dear sir, we offer a special, optional service to our customers. If it pleases you, you may call upon any of us to feed you… How does that sound?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Romantic spoon-feeding?"

"Only 100 yen per bite! Oh, and I'm afraid that due to time and budget constraints we can only limit it to one bite per customer, so be sure to make it count!"

I couldn't help but see the comedy in what she said. It's not the spoon-feeding that sold it, since it's actually a thing in butler and maid cafes everywhere. But 'time and budget constraints' for a simple and free action? The tongue-in-cheek nature of the whole establishment tickled my funny bone to dust.

"Alright," I chuckled, "I'm in. Once my food arrives, you owe me a spoonful."

"Very good, sir."

About ten minutes passed before I was presented with a steaming plate of penne arrabiata, brought to me by none other than Eri. It was fairly simple as far as Italian cuisine went, but I wasn't going to be a nitpicker.

"And as promised, dear sir, here I am." She scooped some food from my plate with a fork and extended it to me. "Sir, pardon me, but I must ask you to open your mouth and say 'ahhh'."

"Ahhh."

In went the food, and after she slipped the fork out between my lips, she gently wiped my mouth with a napkin.

"Well!" she sighed, beaming to herself. "A splendid job if I do say so myself! Dear sir, was it to your expectations?"

Somewhere along the line, I had been sucked into this bizarre butler-and-master role play with no chance of escape, so damned if I didn't have some fun while it lasted. I swallowed my mouthful of food to give her my seal of approval.

"You have surpassed yourself. Tell your manager you deserve a promotion."

Eri took a small bow. "Sir, I am not worthy of such praise. It has been a honour serving you. Should you require further assistance, you need only ask."

I should tease her a bit… and knowing her, she'd likely play along.

"Then I have a request to make."

"Certainly!" Her lips grew into a smile that sparkled like a love scene in a romance manga. "What else can I do for you?"

"Work for me," I said with a straight face. "I could use someone of your skill."

Her reply was swift yet polite. "I'm afraid that's not possible, sir. The butler code states that we're forbidden from lending our services on a long-term basis to people we have developed feelings for."

Before I could launch a counterattack of my own, I noticed the other female customers staring at us and whispering excitedly amongst themselves. The ones at the next table over said some especially strange things…

"Is that what I think it is?" said one girl to the other. "It sooo is, right?"

"Oh my gosh, I've never seen two guys flirting with each other in broad daylight before. This is exactly what I've been yearning for."

"I know! Boys' love is sooo hot."

Uh, again, your friend Eri is clearly a girl. If you could take the time to stop fantasizing so much, you'll notice she has breasts. Like a girl. Just saying.

"I wonder who's the top and who's the bottom."

"Ooh, Eri has got to be the top. It's sooo obvious." Can you girls get any dumber?

"But really? Why does the uke have to have that lame hair?" Hey, leave my hair out of this!

Meanwhile, the other girls were frantically taking photos of us. At least, that's what it seemed like to me. For all I knew, they were snapping pics of Eri's butt. A butt that they somehow deluded themselves into thinking belonged to a hot guy.

Keeping my voice down, I said to Eri, "I get the distinct feeling that the girls at your college are really weird."

She laughed, repeating what she said earlier. "It's a phase. They'll get over it."

Eri left to attend to her duties, leaving me to soak in the ambience of the café, which was hampered somewhat by the girls around me constantly gushing over how handsome Eri looked and all that. So far, however, I must admit I was having fun being waited on by this ragtag cast of kooky waiters. It's not every day that you get served by a cross-dressing butler charismatic enough to lead people to dispute her gender. These were strange times alright.

I wasn't even five spoonfuls into my meal when the door squeaked ajar and a familiar face poked in. Shiki?

"Any seats left?" she said to the pirate waiter. "I could use a quick meal."

"Arrr! You be just in time, miss," he growled. "We happen to – "

Then, without warning, Eri swooped in like an eagle, putting herself in between them. A startled Shiki jumped, causing her cap to tilt over at a comical angle.

"My dear fellow," said Eri to Pirate Boy, "leave it to me to attend to this customer. I insist, allow me."

Then she turned to her bewildered friend and gave her a warm welcome with the hamminess cranked up to maximum.

"Bonjour, Madame Misaki! You have most impeccable timing… As a matter of fact, we have one seat left. But I'm afraid you'll have to share the table with someone. If you are fine with it, however, it can be arranged."

"Oh, uh…" Shiki adjusted her cap. "Who am I sitting with?"

"Are you acquainted with Master Sakuraba?" Eri tilted her head in my direction. When my eyes met Shiki's, I did a little wave which she returned. "Decent fellow, that one. I believe he is a friend of yours."

"O-Oh, sure… why not?"

She was escorted to my table where she took the seat opposite to mine. We exchanged 'hi's', after which Eri pampered her to death.

"Madame," she said, "we highly recommend the Seafood Spaghetti Special. It's our proudest achievement to date in the… three hours our establishment has been around."

I chuckled. "Three hours?"

"Yes sir. Cafe du Cosplay has been in business for just over three hours. Today's our grand opening, you see." Eri glanced at her watch. "Admittedly there was a bit of a delay getting everything set up but thanks to Madame Misaki here, we were able to finally take off." Turning her attention to our bespectacled officer, she continued, "But listen to me ramble. My apologies! Your order please?"

"So, in the Seafood Spaghetti Special," said Shiki, "what kind of seafood do you have in it? No prawns, I'm hoping? I'm kinda allergic to them."

"Rest assured, we don't have prawns in the Seafood Spaghetti Special…" Yeah, that'd raise the cost a little too much for a simple cafe run by inexperienced students… "We've instead picked out the finest fishcakes for this dish. Our special sauce goes very well with it."

"Heh… you're very well-versed with your work, Eri."

"You praise me too much, Madame. And please, my name is Winston Theodoric Fonzeralli."

That's the name Eri wanted to adopt for her butler persona before. Didn't get round to doing it though, which was just as well – the initials in her name weren't very flattering. But here it was in all good clean fun.

"So that'll be one Seafood Spaghetti Special," said Eri (Winston if you're so inclined), "and one grape soda. Very good, Madame. We will be back shortly." Then, with a small bow, she was on her way.

Shiki leaned back in her chair. "Whew! For a moment there, I thought that wasn't Eri under that disguise."

"Hey, you're not alone," I muttered. "Apparently everyone here thinks she's a man. It's a phenomenon."

"Ahaha… yeah…"

There was a moment of silent reflection, after which she meekly asked, just to be sure:

"Wait… she is a girl, right?"

"Yes, she is," I sighed, "and she's got a big junk to prove it."

"I can't believe you just said that."

"No, seriously, you too? I thought you're better than this."

"H-Hey, don't judge me! It's her fault for having such a good disguise, and the manliness to boot. I mean… as a guy, she does look good."

I deadpanned, "I'm sorry, Shiki. You can't have her. She's my girlfriend."

"I… I never said I wanted to lick her b– "

A great silence lasting five long seconds fell over the conversation, after which Shiki desperately tried to backpedal on her words. All while her face grew redder and redder.

"I-I'm not like that," she spluttered. "Honest. It was just a slip of the tongue. Really. Whatever you just heard is me making a really bad joke. Yup."

Turned out mild-mannered Shiki wasn't as clean-minded as I thought she was.

Seeing that I wasn't convinced, she grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.

"Forget what you heard!" she pleaded. "It never happened! You heard nothing!"

"Alright already, calm down. I won't think less of you for having a homoerotic fantasy about – "

"It's not a homoerotic – "

As though things couldn't get anymore hectic, Eri had to come over and bring Shiki her drink, right at a time when our bespectacled friend was in a temporary moment of sexual confusion. Splendid.

"Here's your grape soda, ma'am," said Eri in that soothing voice of hers.

"Ah, um, th-thanks…" Shiki immediately vacuumed up a quarter of her drink through the straw. Poor girl couldn't even look at her properly.

"Is something amiss, ma'am? You look rather… perturbed."

"H-Huh? N-No, I'm fine. I'm okay, really I am."

"The wellbeing of my customers is first and foremost in my mind. If you're not feeling well, I suggest you take a break in the infirmary."

"Don't worry!" said Shiki, trying a little too hard to sound alright. "I'm right as rain!"

She took a quick sip of soda, unknowingly letting a little of it dribble out the corner of her mouth. Eri immediately sprung into action, producing a handkerchief and dabbing it gently against her lips. As one can probably guess, it did nothing to ease her mind. It just felt so… sensual, somehow. Shiki froze up, like she'd been shot through the head with a cupid's arrow. Judging by the way things were playing out, that analogy wasn't too far off.

Eri lifted the handkerchief off of Shiki's lightly trembling lips. "There you go. Good as new."

"Um… th-thanks…"

"At any rate, your food will arrive shortly. Please bear with us a little longer. And of course, as always, make yourself at home."

Then Eri gave us a dashing smile that could melt ice and left us alone once more.

"See?" Shiki said to me, flashing an awkward thumbs-up. "I'm perfectly fine. I was able to talk to Eri without thinking about her in a sexual manner or anything!"

"It's precisely when you say that that makes me believe otherwise."

She couldn't counter me, settling instead for a sheepish giggle that petered out into nothing. The girl wasn't helping her case. She had just dug her own grave and jumped into it face-first.

Then she rose from her seat on shaky legs. "I… uh, need to go to the washroom for a bit."

"To wash your face?"

"No, to bang my head against the wall."

"Oh, okay. Try not to hurt yourself."

"Sure, I'll try not to break any bones."

She staggered out of the room, almost bumping into the doorframe along the way. I called Eri over.

"Yes, Master," she said cheerily. "Anything you need?"

"I think I've said this before, Eri – "

"The name is Winston, sir."

"Fine, Winston. Anyway, could you tone down on the butler shtick? It's kinda distracting for everyone."

Eri, being the gadfly she was, didn't see anything wrong with her behavior and was visibly proud with the way things turned out. Rather than justify her actions in that hammy manner, she graced me with a reply as simple as it was cheeky.

"With all due respect, sir… no."

I gaped at her.

"And yes, you did say that before," she added. "If you don't mind my saying so, you're getting to be quite the broken record."

I had nothing to say in the face of such a brazen yet cool retort.

XOXOXOXOXO

Lunch was relatively uneventful apart from the fuss Shiki created earlier. I'd have liked to spend some more time catching up with her, but she had a job to do. She polished off her meal in record time – quicker than me, and I started eating earlier than she did! – and voiced her regrets on having to return to work so quickly.

I wished her luck for the afternoon portion of the festival but jokingly reminded her not to get a big head from all of the authority she was given as an MIB.

She returned the favour with a retort of her own, "Making fun of an officer of the law, are you? You're practically welcoming life imprisonment with open arms."

After she left, and remembering there was a long line of rabid customers waiting to get inside, I decided that now was the time for me to leave too. I bid Eri goodbye for now and spent the remainder of my free time scouring the festival for more stalls to visit. I had yet to explore the full extent of what was in store for me, so off I went to do just that.

By the time I was ready to fetch her, I had practically memorized the entire layout of the festival grounds. I even mapped out a suitable route in my head that we could follow. Our meeting spot was next to a sculpture of a grotesquely deformed alien fruit thing (ironically entitled "Elegance"), so there I went to wait for her.

With barley tea in hand and straw firmly in my mouth, I surveyed the scene before me. Even with the afternoon heat at full blast, people of all ages just kept coming – from the tiniest of tots tagging along with their parents, to the creakiest of old men and women. This was shaping up to be an event whose scale nearly matched that of the Hachi Fest.

I spied a group of teenagers huddling around a poster and my curiosity compelled me to leave my meeting spot to take a closer look.

"Miss Campus Beauty Pageant", it read. "Showcasing four of the loveliest women to ever grace the face of this college, vying for the coveted title of – you guessed it – Miss Campus!"

More details followed, framed by the combined silhouettes of four sexy young women. It took place in the late afternoon; it's only natural that the most-anticipated event of the festival would be placed at the very end before the evening bonfire dance. I'd definitely check it out, partly to see what the hype was about, and partly to see if any of these ladies could hold a candle to my girlfriend's beauty. Heh, ten yen told me they wouldn't stand a chance!

Back to the meeting spot I went. Just as I was about to ponder what the sculpture could possibly represent (my money was on diarrhea), Eri came walking up to me in her normal attire.

She placed a hand over her heart and made a small bow, leaving me perplexed.

"My thanks to you for being so patient," she said. "I trust you have some manner of plan with which to keep me occupied for the rest of the day?"

"Eri, you're not in butler mode anymore. You can drop the posh Japanese."

When she realized her little mistake, she rubbed the back of her head and gave a goofy smile. "Whoops! I forgot, hee hee! Being a butler the whole day does that to you… Let me try that again."

She scampered off, vanishing behind a nearby wall, before reappearing two seconds later a completely different person. This time, she ran up to me all sprightly and waving an arm high up in the air. Now this was the Eri I knew and loved.

"Heyyy, Neku! Missed me?"

"'Sup."

I raised my hand to meet hers in a high-five.

"My shift is finally done!" she whooped. "Now I'm free to do whatever. So, where to? I'm counting on you!"

"Alright, I have – "

"Actually, hold that thought. I'm a bit peckish. Didn't get the chance to eat much while I was working. Think we can go get something to eat first?"

"Sure." As I made my way towards the takoyaki stall with her, I reminded, "Just don't pig out on too many snacks or you'll come to regret it later."

"Oh, I'll be fine. I've got a cast-iron stomach! I can take it!"

"We'll see."

We made pit stops at almost every stall, buying food along the way. Takoyaki, yakisoba, crepes, fried chicken… she sampled a little of everything while I stuck with what I felt were the 'safer' choices. I only hoped she'd be okay at the end of all the punishment her digestive system was receiving.

I felt like an elastic band as I was pulled and dragged every which way by an excited Eri eager to experience as many things in the festival as she could manage. Seeing like her this made me chuckle. At one point, she asked, completely innocently, "What's so funny?"

"I'm sorry," I said, stifling a small laugh. "I couldn't help it. You remind me of a kid, running around like this."

She took it in stride. "I'm super-happy. Of course I'd be like this. Besides, don't we all have a little kid inside each of us?"

"Sure, I guess."

"I'm spending time with my boyfriend. That's reason enough to be happy, isn't it? So come on!" She grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me in another direction. "The kebabs are waiting for me!"

I allowed myself another chuckle and then off we went to sample more appetizers.

XOXOXOXOXO

"So this is what we're doing next? The haunted house?"

Eri gave me a mischievous wink. "When you attend a cultural festival, there's always one of them. And you've got to try it!"

One of the hallways in a building within the campus had been converted into a haunted house. Well, I suppose it would be more accurate to call it a haunted alleyway, or you could pretend the house was very longish. All the same though, I wasn't sure I was ready for the scares within.

"I… I don't do so well with horror… You know me."

Eri nudged me in the arm with her elbow, giggling, "What, you chicken?"

"Yes, I graduated from the Institute of Professional Chickens. First class honours."

That got her laughing. "Now that's a really good one. I like that. But c'mon, we're already here. Why not take a quick peek?"

In the end I caved in. "I suppose it'd be a waste if we skip this… Alright, let's go."

"That's the spirit! Heh, get it? 'Spirit'?"

I laughed softly and offered her my arm. She placed her hand in the crook of my elbow and together we entered the darkness within. If she's by my side, it shouldn't be so bad.

Let's just get one thing out of the way first: the place was dark as hell. The lights were either dimmed or off, lending the normally unassuming hallway an oppressive atmosphere. Also, it was blocked off in one or two places, forcing us to take a longer winding path through the classrooms. The decorations were of varying quality – a bare minimum came straight out of my worst nightmares, but many others looked fake. Again, much like the cosplay cafe, you can't fault the guys behind this for being a bunch of students with limited resources.

It shouldn't scare me as much as it did, but somewhere along the line I'd switched places with Eri – now she was the one escorting me. Having long gotten accustomed to horror movies, she had all the liveliness of a kid at a theme park. She looked more like she was admiring the macabre props, in all honesty, sorta like a museum curator with a painting.

She was looking quite intently at a skeleton's empty eye sockets. Even though I was scared, I couldn't help but quip, "Face it, Eri. This is not a staring contest you can win."

"Ah, but I think I saw its eyes move for a second there… so victory is mine!"

"Whoa, whoa, don't frighten me like that…"

"Heh, I can't wait to see what the monsters look like."

"Hey," I hissed. "Don't jinx us. You're gonna get what you wish for, and it'll scare us half to death."

She snorted. "Who's jinxing who now?"

Before we took another step, the mural off to the side lit up, illuminating the ghastly face that was painted on it. At the same time, an unearthly scream pierced the air. It threw me off guard; if it weren't for me clinging to Eri like my life depended on it, I'd have stumbled and fallen flat on my butt.

But I didn't scream. So that's like a small victory for me.

She, on the other hand, was as foolhardy as ever. "It'll take more than a funny face to scare me!"

"Eri, I swear… You're just asking for trouble."

I took out my phone, intending to use its attached flashlight to see my way around the gloomy surroundings, but she stopped me.

"Don't do that!" she chided. "You'll ruin the atmosphere!"

"But we can hardly see where we're going…"

"There's enough light in here. We'll be fine. For now, just pretend your phone's battery has run dry or something."

"…Can I use echolocation, then?"

"No, I won't allow it."

"It was a joke…"

"C'mon, don't dilly-dally!" She pulled on my arm, dragging me deeper into the bowels of this circle of hell. "Haunted houses don't come by often. We need to enjoy the scares before they return to the ethereal realm!"

"Alright, alright, I got it."

Our tour through the haunted house had us come face-to-face with some frightening individuals. There was a girl with long black hair which she draped over her face, and someone else who was dolled up to look like a troll. If I wasn't spooked by their appearance and/or mannerisms, I was downright terrified. If this made me seem like a wuss, I'll have you know once more for the record that horror wasn't my forte. I just couldn't handle it.

The next monster, however, was a joke. Even to me.

He was a ragged thing, with stringy hair in disarray. Hunched over, he was facing away with its back towards us. I thought it was all part of the act; that he'd spin round and give us a good fright when we least expected it.

But we were already practically next to the guy and he still hasn't done his thing. When I peered over his shoulder…

"Hey," I hissed to Eri, "the dude's playing with his cell phone!"

"What?"

At this point, he heard us and was surprised by our presence.

"Oh, right," he mumbled, stuffing his phone back into his pocket, before putting on his best 'scary face' and going "Booo!"

Eri and I just stared at him in silence.

Growing bashful, he said, "Um, did that work?"

"I hate to say this," I sighed, "but I'm not impressed."

He hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry. But my mum just texted me. She gets mad when I don't answer her texts within two minutes."

"Nah, don't sweat it. My aunt's the same way but with a smaller timeframe."

"I knew you'd understand. Now if you'll excuse me, I really need to finish sending this message." And he was back on his phone in a jiffy. We just left him be.

Eri scratched her head. "That was weird."

"At least it was kinda funny."

"Yeah, but it makes the whole experience less authentic."

"Do you really want to be scared that much?"

"Well, that's why we're skulking around in a haunted house in the first place, right?"

Presently, a figure dressed in a cloak and a creepy goat mask loomed from behind Eri. He lifted a pair of bony hands above his head and let out a mighty roar. Eri turned around and gave a little scream purely out of surprise, although she very quickly laughed at herself. Me, on the other hand… I didn't scream too loudly, so thank heavens for small favours. Instead, I reflexively twisted my body into a sort of monkey kung fu pose. Needless to say, I looked ridiculous.

Now Eri was clutching her stomach in laughter. Hell, even the monster was joining in.

"You know, dude," he said, "that was the best reaction I ever got. Thanks, man."

After flashing me a pair of thumbs-up, he slunk back into the darkness, chuckling to himself all the way. There was little doubt in my mind I'd end up as a good story he'd tell to his friends. And they'd laugh. A lot. Like what Eri was currently doing. I bet if she could see my face properly, it'd be beet-red.

Shoulders slumped in total mortification, I whimpered, "I… I want to die."

"Ha ha ha…! That's the last thing you want to say in a haunted house!"

A few more scares followed and then the path to my salvation was finally clear. We turned a corner and saw a beam of light coming from a gap in what looked like a curtain. I practically dragged Eri towards it, not intent on staying in this awful place another second longer.

Eri stretched her arms. "That was a ton of fun! For something that's cobbled together cheaply, it was pretty good!"

"I bet it was," I mumbled. "H-How do you enjoy something that scares you so badly anyway?"

"It's not that bad, Neku. Once you get round the fact that the monsters are just actors doing a job, the whole house becomes a cakewalk!"

"Sometimes I wish I could be as strong as you, Eri. Still… I wonder if a real haunted house would scare the crud out of you."

"Well, that's – "

She was about to answer when her face contorted with pain. Her brows squeezed together like corrugated cardboard and her hand shot to her tummy.

"Eri?" I asked. "What's wrong?"

With every word she spoke she shrank away from me. "Uh… c-could you excuse me for a sec? I need to go to the washroom real fast."

One moment she was here, talking to me. In the next she had disappeared to goodness knew where. Conveniently, the cloud trail she left behind in her wake led me to one of the nearby washrooms. I waited outside patiently for her to finish up on her business.

Eri staggered out the door, a shell of her former self. She clung onto my arm, shaking like a leaf. I could only guess what had happened.

"Diarrhea?"

"No," she insisted. "Diarrhea is an ugly word. Beautiful girls like myself do not get diarrhea. We just… grow bouquets of excitement out of our butts."

"And here I am trying to unsee what you just said. You know, to be fair, I did warn you not to eat too much of those snacks."

"I can't help it! The dango and crepes and everything else were so delicious and I kept wanting more!"

"Do you want to head to the infirmary? You can take a break there. I bet there's medicine for diarrhea. I'll stay with you too."

She attempted to laugh but had to wring the words out of her throat. "Don't be silly… I'll be fine! I don't have time for rest. Last thing I want is to miss… the… afternoon shows… oh god no."

"Again?"

Eri didn't answer. She dashed back into the washroom to grow another bouquet.

Ten minutes later she was back looking even more bedraggled than before. She clutched onto my frame feebly for support.

"So, Eri… uh, how did it go?"

"I… I saw my entire life flash before my eyes."

"Tell me where I can find the infirmary. I'll take you there."

With a shaky hand, she pointed me in the general direction. Halfway through she had to make another pit stop at the next washroom but after that we reached the infirmary without further incident. Eri sat in a chair, literally teetering at the edge of her seat, anxiously hoping that the next wave wouldn't come. I scrambled around the cabinets, hoping to find something that could soothe the maelstrom in her intestines.

"Dammit," I cursed under my breath. "There's nothing."

"There's got to be something!"

As though on cue, I found a bottle of pills that I recognized as an age-old cure for diarrhea – I've used it myself once or twice so I can vouch for its effectiveness. But my face fell when I looked closer.

"I found something, Eri, but it's already expired."

"Should be fine. Hand it over."

I repeated the magic word. "Expired, Eri. It's expired. You can't have this."

"Doesn't matter. I'll take it. One or two months past the expiration date aren't gonna hurt me."

"It's been expired for three years."

"Guh!"

"Stay put, Eri. I'm gonna pop into the convenience store next door to find some fresh meds for you. I'll be right back."

"If you don't see me here, I'll be in the ladies', busy with… well, you know, bouquets and such."

I was a man on a mission. I left the infirmary – but not before pocketing the expired meds in case she got desperate enough to eat them – and walked briskly through the building, trying my best to navigate through the crowd. Even with the circumstances as urgent as they were, this task should be a no-brainer.

But life isn't all that easy and clear-cut, is it? It never is.

A staircase loomed into view from the left. I didn't take much notice of it and was about to hurry along, but the girl who was rushing down those stairs right then suddenly lost her balance on the bottom-most step and lurched forward. She gave a piercing scream…

My body acted on its own. I dashed towards her and caught her by both shoulders before she fell too far. Her foot still slipped and caused her a great deal of pain, but at least she didn't fall flat on her face.

"Hey," I said to her, "you alright?"

The girl, dazed from her little ordeal, tried to compose herself. The very first thing I noticed about her was that she was quite the looker.

"I think so," she mumbled. "Thank y– ow!"

Tentatively, she wiggled the foot she'd slipped on and gave another yelp in pain. She even stumbled, almost losing her balance again and I had to grab her once more. It was clear that she was injured.

One of the black-clad festival committee members came along to see what the matter was.

"What happened here?" he asked.

"This girl tripped on the way down the stairs," I said. "Coulda been bad too, if I hadn't caught her as she was falling."

"Really? That was a close one. Thanks, bro." Now he turned to her and addressed her by name. "Shinohara, are you hurt anywhere?"

The girl was dismayed. "I think I twisted my ankle…"

A look of concern came over the other guy's face. He spoke to me, "Bro, I hate to ask this of you, but could you lend me a hand?"

We slung the girl's arms over our shoulders and marched her to the infirmary where my girlfriend was resting, except Eri wasn't there. No doubt she'd gone to the washroom to answer nature's call again.

After we sat her down on the bed, the committee member examined her foot, on which I saw the beginnings of a bruise.

He came to a sound conclusion. "So… can't walk?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm sorry… It doesn't look like I'll be of much help now…"

"It's not your fault. We'll work something out, I'm sure of it."

Right after he said that, the door opened and in trooped a trio of people. There was Shiki and the president, and a third guy in a Hawaiian shirt whose role I had yet to know seeing as he was the odd one out.

They converged upon the girl, asking her if she was okay. She showed them her bad foot and was met with looks of both worry and sympathy. Then Shiki turned to me.

"Neku, I'm sorry but could you leave for a bit? We need to talk to this girl in private."

The whole story was lost to me, but if it was enough to summon her and the president then maybe it was a graver situation than I was led to believe. I left as requested, closing the door behind me, but waited outside in case Eri came back.

Shortly afterwards Shiki poked her head out the door and beckoned to me.

"Neku? Could you, um, come inside?"

"Wh-What's going on?"

She didn't answer me, instead ushering me back into the infirmary where I was suddenly the center of attention.

The president himself addressed me. "First of all, our deepest thanks to you for helping out. This girl would be mincemeat if it weren't for you." He gestured towards the girl whom I saved, and she gave me the best smile she could muster despite her foot being an absolute mess.

"It's nothing," I said. "Don't mention it."

"Now, we normally don't reveal what goes on behind the scenes to visitors like yourself, but these are special circumstances. You see, Shinohara here is actually one of the four contestants of our upcoming Miss Campus beauty pageant…"

I couldn't say I was surprised. She was pretty. But I quickly put two and two together and could guess what he was about to say next.

"…but she's out of commission, so we're in a bit of a bind." Bingo.

Naively I asked, "Can't you go ahead with three contestants?"

The guy in the Hawaiian shirt shot down my suggestion curtly. "Absolutely not. It simply can't be done."

"By the way," said the president, "this is the organizer of Miss Campus. Basically he's the guy who put the whole pageant together."

"Damn straight. We've been billing Miss Campus as a four-woman deal. All of the promotional material we've been putting up around campus has emphasized on the presence of four beauties. Do you see? We can't give the audience three contestants when we promised four! It'd be a travesty!"

I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to ignore his brusque behavior. "Okay, I get it. You need four contestants no matter what. But where do I come in?"

"Miss Campus starts in a couple of hours and we're short on time, so I'm gonna cut to the chase, pal. We need Eri to take Shinohara's place in the pageant."

"What? Hold on, Eri said – "

"I know, I know. We scouted her for the pageant before but she declined, we get that. But she's the only hope we've got now. She has the looks and the experience as a model to boot. She has to help us. But we have yet to convince her, and we're hoping that you could talk some sense into her, you know, what with you being her boyfriend and all."

"How did you know I'm her – "

"Don't sweat the small details," snapped Hawaiian Boy, ever so polite. "Please, talk to her about it, will you?"

Well, she wasn't in a good way herself. Getting her to join now would be a disaster in the making. I could see it now… Eri strutting proudly on stage in a swimsuit, and then having to run off in the middle of it to take a dump. It'd be a humongous farce. My conscience simply wouldn't allow it.

As for how this would turn out… I'll get back to it real soon, my friends…