Light. Pure, unadulterated, blinding white, light. Ronan thinks that this might be heaven, he succeeded. He pauses, considering it, and concludes that he would probably go to hell. And observing his surroundings, he decided that this is definitely not the kingdom come. Ronan's paradise is the Barns. Surrounded by nature, dim lighting, acres of open space. Not this bright, industrialized room. He can hear someone murmuring away at a cell phone. He thinks it might be Declan, and that seals it. His own personal Declan to follow him around for eternity is his very definition of hell. His body is aching, so he slips back down, down, down...
The next time Ronan wakes up, he's slightly more aware of his surroundings. His head, however, still seems stuffed full of cotton. He doesn't feel dead. Like shit, yes, but definitely alive. He's lying in a hospital bed, blank-faced machines, similar to the ones that keep his mother alive, pumping chemicals into his bloodstream. The room is sparsely decorated, mostly bare, save for the vase of yellow flowers on the bedside table. A TV faces the bed, but it's off and the remote is nowhere in sight. There're a few chairs in the corner, one of them with a bunched-up jacket, as if someone had slept there. There's a person in another. Pain shoots through his skull, causing Ronan to close his eyes and groan involuntarily.
Instantly, the male from the chair is by his side. Ronan hopes it's Matthew, but no such luck. Declan the Dick glares murderously at him, seething furiously. He has bags under his eyes, but his hair is impeccable, and his business suit is wrinkle-free, as always. Ronan doesn't see an Ashley anywhere, and is grateful for that, at least.
"Hey, Dec," Ronan says, the intended boredom of his voice seeping into the words. He knows it makes his brother tick. "Your enthusiasm overwhelms me."
"You fucking bastard! You selfish little shit! You have no idea how bad that was, how bad this still is! Think, think, Ronan, for once in your stupid life, about other people for a change! Do you know how much I do for you and Matthew? How much I have sacrificed? And you were going to throw it away! You nearly managed to! Fuck you!" Declan whisper-shouts at him, beyond furious, beyond afraid, not that Ronan can tell, spit flying.
Declan goes off on Ronan, swearing and scolding him. Ronan, however, is still barely conscious, having just woken up. He's also drugged high on meds and mostly unable to comprehend what Declan is saying. The scalding remarks, however, are cut short as they both hear the heavy footfalls of their brother coming down the hall. Declan, ever the liar, quickly scoots back and resumes his position of indifference. Matthew bounces into the room, and seeing that Ronan is awake, directs his endless energy on him.
As Matthew fusses over him, Ronan thinks about what just happened. Something had felt off about Declan's anger. Replaying the words, his facial expressions, it clicks. Declan was, is, afraid. Ronan wonders if it's of him, or for him. But no, that doesn't make sense. Declan doesn't care about Ronan, doesn't want anything to do with him. The words were just that; words. Intended to sting but nothing more. He can't bring himself to care either way.
Satisfied, he tunes into his younger brother's rambling.
"We were so worried, Ro! You can't do that! Why didn't you talk to anyone? I love you, Ro. Don't leave me."
"How long have I been in here?" Ronan asks.
"A day. You were admitted last night. It's Sunday, Mother's Day, we missed church. Why did you do it?" Matthew says. Ronan didn't need that reminder of the date. He thinks about last night. Past the ambulance lights and the loud noises. Why did he do it? Because it's his mother's birthday today. And she's in a coma. And his father is dead. And Ronan was the one that found him. He wonders briefly where Gansey is, then remembers that Gansey had flown out Friday afternoon to D.C. so he could spend today with his family. The only reason he isn't here right now. Ronan knows it's too much to expect Adam's presence.
Matthew talks at him for a bit longer. When he's finally satisfied with his interrogation, he wanders off again, to do whatever normal teenage boys (who aren't haunted by family legacies) do in their free time.
Ronan and Declan sit in silence for a bit. Ronan figures it's Declan's interrogation tactic, but Ronan is used to the silence, revels in it. This is his method, after all, and he's perfected it. He picks at the bandages wrapped around his wrists. He thinks idly of what he can use to cover the scars, once they've healed.
"Your smudgy friend found you. Imagine what that's done to him. You were coated in blood. And alcohol. That's what nearly did you in, the alcohol poisoning. Not the blood loss. The doctors had never seen anything like it. Whatever you were drinking, it was incredibly potent. Had a 'dreamlike quality, almost' is the way the doctors described it." Declan says finally, breaking the silence. But he doesn't sound like he cares much about the state Ronan was found in, or the mental wellbeing of his 'smudgy friend'. Later, when they find out about Noah, Ronan will think about the irony of dead ghosts finding alive ones. "I've notified Gansey that you're in the hospital, and he's flying back as soon as he can." Ronan cares slightly that he ruined the Gansey family's brunch.
"You gonna tell me what that was about? Earlier?" Ronan asks.
"Matthew's a dream. You took him out of your head when you were three." Declan doesn't sound angry anymore. Just incredibly exhausted. For a brief moment, Declan's mask slips, and Ronan gets a glimpse of who he truly is. "I suppose he was the ani-me. A warm, friendly, human-being you could play your games with." Declan's voice goes hard again. "Mom's a dream. You know that. Dad dies, the dream goes comatose. That's what's going to, what nearly did happen to Matthew. You see, you selfish bastard? He would have died, right alongside you."
Ronan feels a sudden rush of feeling. Panic? Shame, fear, guilt? He can't tell. But it's the first emotion he's felt in a long time, so he holds onto it, this feeling, claiming it because it makes him seem human. Who he's trying to prove this to, he doesn't know. Matthew. By killing himself, he would have ended Matthew's life. Precious, innocent Matthew.
"Why would you do something like that anyway? Think about mom and dad. They wouldn't want that, for you to kill yourself. I can get you on medication, I take some myself. I highly recommend also having to attend therapy and such. Please, Ronan. Think about the Barns. And Matthew."
It's a dirty move, to use his childhood home and brother against him, and Declan knows. Declan gets in his head and Ronan hates that it works. He can feel Declan convincing him, the words washing through his brain and changing his mind. He considers briefly disagreeing with Declan, that this emptiness, depression, according to the shrinks, doesn't depend on external forces. It's his mind. When it's just clouds and mist and fog everywhere and things speed up and he spirals down and it doesn't stop.
Ronan attempts to roll over, trying to signal the end of this conversation, but the IV needles are still in his arm, preventing this from happening. Declan however, gets the message, and finally leaves him alone.
Sometime later, Gansey bursts in, looking ruffled. He has a suit jacket on, but his tie is loosened and the top buttons on his shirt are undone. Even in this unorganized state (state of disarray), he still looks like a king, complete and total control. Ronan wishes he could say the same.
"What happened? Helen flew me down in her helicopter. She had to go back up but she said to say hi. Is everything okay? Forget I asked that, no it isn't. Ronan is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you? Hello Declan." Gansey says this all with one breath and Ronan is vaguely impressed.
"I'm fine, but the doctors don't agree, so they're gonna keep me for longer. And some coffee, preferably Irish, would be nice," Ronan says, relief flooding through him at the sight of his best friend. "Sorry for ruining your family reunion," He tacks on.
"No, actually I need to thank you for saving me. It was so dull, Ronan. They all wanted to know when I would get married and go into politics like my parents. It's the only thing they talk about. Also when I would stop chasing fairy tales. I was gravely insulted." Gansey jokes, attempting to lighten the mood.
"Anytime," Ronan says, not thinking about it until Gansey winces at his comment. He and Gansey share a few moments of awkward silence until Declan taps Gansey on the shoulder and says, "Walk with me to the cafeteria, would you? Some caffeine for your system. We're considering the psychiatric ward here. It would only be…" Declan and Gansey walk out of earshot, discussing the logistics of the current situation. Ronan sort of wishes they would ask his opinion on the matter, seeing as it's him they're discussing, but then realizes he lost the right to his say in anything to do with his well-being last night.
The two of them return sometime later, coffee in hand and none for Ronan. 'Doctors orders,' Declan tells him. They've concluded that Ronan can and should continue to stay at Monmouth because living with people he's comfortable with is better than living alone at the school dorms. Declan makes Ronan promise, however, that he needs to attend weekly therapy sessions and keep his grades up, as always. This is all, of course, after he spends a currently undetermined amount of time at the aforementioned mental hospital. Declan and Gansey are both determined and stubborn, enough that when working together, can defeat Ronan in a battle of wills. Ronan, grudgingly accepting that he's not getting out of here for a long time, drifts back off to sleep.