She Comes And Goes As She Pleases (Part 64)
by BrDPirateMan

"Let's see… two tablespoons…"

With some difficulty I shook the tomato ketchup out of the bottle and onto my spoon. It came out reluctantly, in small clumps, but eventually I had what I needed and into the beaker of water it went. I stirred it vigorously until it dissolved, creating a dark red solution.

The morning was like any other. I was busy in the kitchen experimenting with a new recipe for spaghetti sauce, something I'd adapted from a blog I read on the internet. I had been running out of recipes to teach Eri as of late, so if all went well, this Saturday need not have to be another revision lesson for her.

The chime from my phone broke my concentration. The message I'd just received was from… Eri?

She's in her room right now… which was well within spitting distance. Why'd she need to send a message if she could just come over here to talk to me?

Then I read it. Rather alarmingly, it went:

neku helppp

What the… was she in trouble?!

I dropped everything and burst into her room. The sight before my eyes gave me quite the shock. Her wardrobe was fully open and a gigantic mound of clothes had gathered on the floor, like they'd fallen out when it was opened. From the foot of said mound a hand was sticking out, a cell phone clutched tightly in its fingers. Almost like there was a dead body buried underneath all of that stuff.

There's only one person whom that hand could belong to. I got to work in a hurry, swiping clothes off of the enormous mountain.

Suddenly, the corpse I had been trying so hard to exhume sat up and lunged at me with both arms outstretched zombie-style. Trapped in its grasp, I was powerless to escape and stop it from leaning in to deliver the fatal bite…

I shuddered, rooted in place when its lips pressed onto my own very sloppily. Our mouths stayed plastered together for a good few seconds before it let go with an audible smack.

"You saved me!" the cadaver gasped. "I thought for sure I'd bought it!"

"Uh, yeah," I mumbled. "No problem, Eri."

Her joyful relief knew no bounds. "Thank you, thank you! I'll love you forever and cook for you and bear you lots of kids!"

"You're already doing all those things, minus the bearing kids part. Look, what just happened?"

I helped her to her feet as she did some much-needed explaining. "All I wanted was to get some clothes out of my wardrobe. But I've got so many in the first place, it's close to exploding."

"Now why does that sound familiar…"

"I love clothes too much, okay? Give me a break. Anyway, the moment I opened the wardrobe, they burst right out at me like an avalanche."

"And that's how you ended up six feet under?"

"Yeah, pretty much… Luckily I had my phone with me, so I was able to send you a message for help."

"All of this happened because you have way too many clothes."

Looking at the tangled mess of clothes at her feet, she had little choice but to agree. "I hate to admit it, but you might have a point…"

"You don't say. What exactly do you have in here?"

Out of curiosity I hunkered down and picked a few pieces from the pile at random. The first thing I got in my hands was a simple T-shirt. Next was a pair of denim shorts. Of course, this being Eri's stuff, it didn't take long for me to find some truly outrageous articles of clothing.

One of the things I found was a string bikini set, which wouldn't raise any eyebrows normally, except this wasn't normal. There were words written in bold print on all four triangular pieces of fabric.

The top read 'COME ON' and 'EAT ME'. On the front piece of the bottom was 'RIGHT HERE'; at the back was 'AND HERE'.

Eri took one look at the way I was scrunching my eyebrows at her and giggled.

"My old buddy from Fukushima gave it to me," she said. "A cheeky little going-away present from a friend to another. Never did get to wear it, though."

"Why not?"

Eri's face turned dark all of a sudden and her eyes went blank. Then, reluctantly, she explained why.

"It's too big for me. My breasts can't even hope to fill up this thing… Stupid C-cup bikini…"

"Ouch…" I patted her on the shoulder to make her feel better. "Don't worry, I like your boobs."

"Thanks… I guess."

I left her to sulk while I next turned my attention to what looked like an ungodly marriage between a halter top and half of a one-piece swimsuit, if said swimsuit was chopped in half vertically from the side. Fixing her with a perplexed look, I asked, "What is this supposed to be? Actually, how is one supposed to wear this?"

Eri's eyes lit up like a pair of lanterns and she recovered from her few minutes of angst. "Oh, I remember this! This is one of my experimental clothing designs! Came up with it three years back. I call it 'The Killer'."

"What an ominous name…"

"Here, lemme show you how it works."

I watched in utter confusion as she stripped till she was topless. She took the… thing, and slipped her head through what must be the collar – at least, it looked like a collar… The bottom had two strings that she looped around her waist, and she finished off by tying it in a knot which sat snugly at the small of her back.

She struck a pose and did a twirl to show it off to the fullest.

"What do you think, Neku?"

I gulped. "I-Is there supposed to be nothing covering the back and sides?"

Cheerily, she replied, "Yup!"

"Good god! I've heard of backless clothes… but sideless as well?! Are you out of your mind?!"

"Funny story: Shiki said that exact same line to me when I came to her with the blueprints. Incidentally, she made the same face too."

Eri looked ridiculous in that abomination. Ridiculous. Make no mistake, she had the figure to make it work, but no one in their right mind would wear this under any circumstances. Ever.

Did I mention it was ridiculous?

She chuckled at my flabbergasted reaction. "Wanna try it on?"

"Hell no."

"I bet you'd look great in The Killer. C'mon, give it a try?"

"Sometimes I don't know if you're joking or not. Scary either way. Look, um, let's get back on track. You have too many clothes, and not enough space."

"Sounds about right."

"It's time for a little housekeeping, methinks."

Eri's mouth parted wide in a gasp. She immediately hugged the pile of clothes protectively, like a mother hen to her chicks.

"I'm not throwing away anything!" she blurted. "These are all my babies!"

I hated to be blunt with the truth, but that's what I had to do to make her see the error of her ways. "It's precisely because of that kind of attitude that lands you in the situation we see now."

She winced. "I… I know. I just can't find it in myself to get rid of them."

"There's tons of clothes in here… Do you even wear any of them?"

"Of course I do!"

"But how often do you wear them?"

Her words began to falter at this point as she desperately tried to salvage whatever positive opinions I had remaining of her lavish spending habits.

"W-Well, isn't it obvious? I won't buy anything without wearing it at least once. And if you have, then it's money well spent! …Right?"

"You mean to say there are some clothes that you've worn only once?"

"Ye- I mean no! Not all of these are 'one and done' deals, I'll have you know!"

And just like that she dug herself deeper. As she found it harder and harder to think up of excuses to justify her actions, even she realized the futility of it all and just gave up.

"I'm sorry," she sighed. "I… I think this is the part where I should probably come clean."

"Yeah… uh, sorry to put you on the spot like that."

She shook her head with a sad smile. "Nah, don't sweat it. You're not wrong, Neku. I'm fully aware of this. I know I should adopt a thriftier lifestyle. But I can't help it when I hear about sales and see all those cute clothes being put up on display."

"Can you at least give me an idea of how often you wear these clothes?"

Eri had to think a bit for that, and the whole time she was biting her lower lip.

"About one-third consists of things I wear all the time. My absolute favorites."

"What about the rest?"

"The remaining two-thirds is stuff I've bought and worn on a whim. Once, maybe twice. But never on a regular basis."

"That simplifies things, then. You just need to work on those two-thirds and decide which ones to keep."

She gulped. "Can't say I'm looking forward to that. I love them all, and having to say goodbye is a real stinker."

"It gotta get done sooner or later, Eri. Or would you rather be buried alive again the next time you open your closet?"

"No way. This one time was more than enough."

"Well then, you might wanna hop to it." I got up to leave, intent to return to the kitchen. "Pop by in an hour and I'll have spaghetti for you."

"Groovy."

The last I saw of Eri before I closed the door behind me was her looking at all of her clothes with an expression that screamed, "Welp, this is gonna suck."

All I could do was to pray for her to stay strong and hope she didn't cheat by stuffing the excess under the bed.

XOXOXOXOXO

The spaghetti sauce wasn't exactly to my expectations and I had to try and salvage it by adding a little extra tomato ketchup. Provided you're not a picky eater and didn't mind garlic breath, it'd do in a pinch. Some tweaking with the recipe was necessary, but that's for another day.

Now how was Eri holding up?

Tapping my knuckles on her room door, I called, "Yo, can I come in for a bit?"

She hollered back, "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!"

I snorted at her wit and followed up on it without a moment's hesitation. "Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in."

When I poked my head inside, I saw that the mountain of clothes had actually vanished, and in its place was a selection of smaller piles of clothing, all neatly folded and sitting in various places all around her room – from the floor to her bed and even her study table. It was a promising start, at least. Eri was clad in a snow-white underwear ensemble and standing in front of a mirror, busy superimposing a shirt in front of her. Her lips pursed in deep thought and eventually she folded it back up and tossed it into a cardboard box. I guess that one didn't make it past the 'auditions', so to speak. Then she picked up another shirt and repeated the judging process anew.

I let myself in. "So… what's the story so far?"

She didn't take her eyes off of her reflection to talk to me. Well, it helped that my own reflection was in the mirror, so she addressed that instead.

"I spent the past hour folding my clothes and segregating them by type." Pointing carelessly over her shoulder, she added, "We got casual clothes over here and formal ones there." Jerking her head to the left, she gestured towards her very occupied bed. "Sexier stuff goes over there along with custom outfits. Now don't touch any of these or you might mess them up and I'll get really confused."

"Okay, sure. This isn't bad progress at all though – "

"I mean it. Don't touch anything, okay?"

"Uh-huh."

Absentmindedly and purely out of curiosity, I reached out to examine the pile of bras on her table that she'd assembled into a tower. The topmost one was a lacy number that looked like it might be nice to the touch, and that's where I made my mistake. When my fingers came within millimeters of it, I was punished when they were slapped away by an indignant Eri.

As I nursed my stinging hand, she gave me her final warning with narrowed eyes.

"Don't. Touch. Anything."

"Y-Yes ma'am, I'm sorry."

"You want to touch my bras, wait till I'm done with housekeeping. Or when my breasts are actually in them."

"Y-You got it." Inwardly I picked the latter option.

Given that practically the entire room was blanketed in oodles upon oodles of clothes, I picked the smart option and stood in the doorway. I wasn't about to go Godzilla on her turf.

"Um, as I promised," I said, "I got spaghetti. Feel free to eat whenever."

She paused for thought, letting a long "hmmm" hum in her throat. Then, at last, she spoke up.

"Well, I'm stumped."

"Stumped?" I was rightfully confused. "By what?"

"I'm trying to think of a pun to connect spaghetti and spaghetti top together, but nothing comes to mind."

Now it was my turn to go "hmmm". But try as I might, I couldn't think of anything along those lines either. I did have a few false starts, though.

"How about… no, that won't work. Or… nah, not that. Well, uh… ah! You can't wear a spaghetti top unless you've… had… spaghetti… yeah, this isn't working. At all."

"Never mind that. I've got something to ask of you."

She grabbed two seemingly random pieces of clothing and strung them up on hangers before spinning round to show them to me. In her left hand was a tube top, in her right a camisole.

"These two," she huffed, "have been the bane of my existence for as long as I've had them, which is about four years."

"What's so bad about them?"

"That's the thing. They're perfect for indoor wear, both of them. But whenever I want to wear one, the other reminds me not to ignore it! And so I can never decide which one to wear when it comes to these two."

"Sounds… tough."

"You have no idea how conflicted I am! It's the eternal struggle. Light and dark. Good and evil. Alpha and Omega."

"Tube top and camisole."

"Exactly. On the one hand, I'm a big fan of tube tops… but on the other hand, I like me a camisole now and again."

"I don't really see what the fuss is all about. All that makes them different from each other is two dinky little shoulder straps."

"Tut tut." She wagged a finger at me like a fussy schoolteacher. "That's where you're wrong. They're not as similar as you might think. Tube tops are tight-fitting and sexy. Camis are light and airy. Besides, if you take away the straps on a camisole it's not gonna stay on very well. Unless you have a big enough chest to hold it in place." With eyes glazed over in another episode of envy, she added bitterly, "Which I don't have…"

"Um, r-right. Ahem." I didn't want to drag her issues out into the open if I could help it, so I directed us back to the topic at hand in a hurry. "So, uh, can't decide?"

"Yeah, that's why I need your help to settle this once and for all. I gotta get rid of one of these, but I don't know which. Think you can lend a girl a hand?"

I rubbed the back of my neck. "Um, why don't you try putting them on for now… and we'll see what I think."

"Okay! There's just one problem."

"Huh?"

Sheepishly, she said, "I can't decide which one to put on first."

I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. Talk about indecisive! "…Let's start with the camisole."

Eri slipped it on and turned this way and that to allow me a full view. Not bad. The silky material looked so flimsy, like it could disintegrate with a single touch.

"Your verdict," she said, "if you will."

"Lacy and racy," was my reply. "Not and at all. But let's see how you fare in the tube top."

Eri seemed to struggle a little with the tube top. It was, as she said, tight-fitting and as she slipped it on it clung to her like nobody's business. Business as usual. Then she plucked at the upper hem, where her chest was, and her free hand plunged deep within. I watched in growing fascination as she tucked her breasts in, adjusting them to make them fit better. After she rummaged around for about half a minute, I was a considerably more chipper man.

"Whew! There we are! I'm done, Neku… Any thoughts?"

"Yeah. Can you do that again?"

She didn't get it. "Do what?"

"That… thing you did." Helpfully, I even provided her with a quick re-enactment, gesturing with my hands.

It took her a while for the realization to set in, but when it did she was understandably miffed at my little joke. She trotted over, leaning into my face so near I could make out the individual lashes on her eyes. As well as the mounds of flesh nestling in her top. I actually had to back up a bit so I could properly look at them – I mean, her.

"Geez," she chided, "I'm not here to give you a show! I need your opinion!"

"Your breasts are gorgeous."

"Not that kind of opinion!"

"Okay, the clothes are cute, but you always look better naked."

Frustrated, she could only utter my name warningly. "Neku…"

Risking a punch to the arm, I gave her a big grin. "It's nice to have our roles reversed once in a while, don't you think?"

"Not right now," she sighed, easing up on me. "I'll be here all week if I don't clear out my stuff."

"I know. Heh, sorry. I was just messing with you."

"Apology accepted." She picked the camisole off of the floor where she had dumped it and held it up next to herself. "Now help me choose already."

The time for jokes was over. It's time to play judge and preside over the very difficult case of the tube top versus the camisole. And the court ruled that the verdict was in favour of…

"Tube top. It looks hotter."

"Thank you!" Eri whooped in relief, stripping it off with alarming swiftness. It's almost like she didn't want it on for another minute. "I can finally put this age-old debate behind me!"

"Glad to help. Anyway, don't forget: there's spaghetti."

"I'll have some later, thanks. Now if you'll excuse me…"

"Still busy, huh. Alright, I'll bother you later."

I ambled away as the door closed behind me, content that I'd settled a problem that had plagued Eri for so long. It's not often that you get to do such good things for others. But I scarcely walked three steps when I heard the door reopen and her calling after me.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Catch!"

I spun round just in time to see a wad of cloth being tossed at me. The reflexes I honed from a good year of baseball at high school served me well; I caught it with both hands before it could smack me in the face. Though even if it did, I probably wouldn't mind.

Unfurling it apart, I recognized this as the camisole she was so eager to get rid of.

"For you," she said with a wink. "A little something so the loins don't stay cold for too long."

"Real subtle with your words as always. Real subtle."

"Hee hee. You're welcome!"

XOXOXOXOXO

The afternoon was a slow, sleepy one. Eri had a real bad case of not wanting to let go of things easily, which was why housekeeping was plodding along at a snail's pace. At least she was working hard.

Hmmm… perhaps I should take a look at my own stuff. Been a while since I last touched some of it. There's bound to be something I didn't need anymore.

The biggest area of concern that came to mind was the bookshelf. This was where I placed all of my books – manga, video game mags and the like. Some of my oldest possessions, from years ago, were crammed in here. And speaking of crammed, it's been getting harder to slot my stuff in these days. The bookshelf won't be able to hold another magazine without exploding like Eri's closet.

So it was off to do something about that before the worst could happen. I decided to start with the bottom-most shelf, which was also the most neglected. A little elbow grease was needed to haul its contents out.

Man, just looking at the covers was enough to send me on a nostalgia trip. Some of these books were pretty damn old! There's a comic book which I bought just before I started high school. Dodo's Strange Adventure, volume 7. Still going strong today and easily into its twelfth volume. There was a Tin Pin catalogue where you could see all of the latest pins on sale. I remember being invested in that game for a brief period. Incidentally, Tin Pin is all but gone now; people just lost interest and the only place you could buy pins now was at online auctions where they commanded pretty hefty prices.

Then there's one of those magazines all the 'popular kids' supposedly loved that I got a hold of shortly after that. Didn't like it. I was never into mags like those, and the only reason I kept it lying around was because there was an advertisement for a video game inside and I thought the model they used to shoot it was hot. Of course, now she just looked like a joke with her too-large boobs threatening to fall off of her chest.

The memories came rushing back in full force with each book I flipped through. I was powerless to stop the smile creeping up on my face. Perhaps Eri felt the same way about all of those clothes she had? But I knew that I couldn't hold onto all of them forever. So I asked myself some very hard questions and bravely relegated all unwanted books to a separate pile on the floor.

"Hmm?"

I spied the corner of a magazine with a glossy cover, sticking out from between a couple of other mags. Thinking it was just another harmless addition to my library, I pulled it out…

The cover image of a naked woman sprang out at me, her naughty bits covered up by strategic placement of her hands. Her lipstick, red as blood, stood in contrast with her fair skin. Peppered throughout the picture were various words promising questionable content.

"Be a champ in bed and drive her nuts", claimed one headline. Another read, "Charm the pants off any woman… guaranteed!" And who could ignore the one that said, "The joys of outdoor sex… oh my! (Details, tips and more!)"

Wh-Where exactly did this porno mag come from?! I would not buy one in the first place, let alone keep it. Well, I've bought a couple of men's magazines before, but they were pretty tame. At the very least, there were no real instances of nudity to speak of. This, however…

Suddenly, it all came back to me. Yeah, I remembered how this came to be in my possession. We need to jump back in time for this one, gotta return to my high school days…

It all began one afternoon in June…

"Please, Phones! I'm begging ya! Help a bro out? Please?"

School's out for the day, and Beat had asked to meet me on the rooftop to discuss some "urgent-like matters", in his own words. I had the distinct feeling it won't be about his studies or his family or even getting a girlfriend. Sure enough, when he presented me with a porno mag, I was very nonplussed.

"Help me out, man," he continued. "I'ma get in some real trouble, if I don't take care 'a this…"

I was still in the dark about everything. "Look, can you at least tell me what the heck is going on? From the beginning, if you will."

"Huh? Okay, uh, lessee…"

Beat needed to get his head in order first. If he needed to talk a lot, that's what he'd do: give himself a moment to sort out his thoughts. Force him to start flapping his lips too early and nothing coherent leaves his mouth.

"A'ight, so… one of my pals, y'see? Got himself some mags he wanted to offload. So he figured he'd give me one, since we friends and all."

"You mean this?"

"Yeah, I always wanted one of these!" Look at him, getting all excited and drooling like mad. "I always see 'em in shops, but I ain't old enough yet, no one would let me buy 'em. I mean, why's things gotta be so uptight, huh? People ain't no fun around here!"

"Why'd you want a porno mag anyway?"

He looked at me like I was an idiot. "Come on, man, really? I gotta explain this to you? What, you got a beef with me bein' young and healthy?"

"N-No, never mind." Well, you reap what you sow. Ask a stupid question and you get a stupid answer. "But back to the mag…"

"Right. See, it's real simple, yo. I can't just bring it back… Even since I brought back that October issue of X-Rated Monthly, Ma and Pa have been checkin' my school bag all the time. They'll gimme a hard time if they catch me with another skin mag, like real hard! Even Rhyme hates the stuff. But I can't just stash it here at school either. I'ma get caught sooner or later, an' then I'd be whupped six ways to Sunday!"

I sighed. "Let me guess… For the time being, you want me to hold onto it for you."

His face lit up when he saw I got his drift and he even gave me a friendly but rough slap on the back. "That's mah boi, Phones! That's why we cool! But anyway, you keep it for now, okay? And don't let anyone else see it!"

My folks were the easygoing sort. Something like a porno mag wouldn't earn their ire, not when they're the ones wondering why I haven't gotten my hands on one already. Time and again they've said, "You should be more interested in girls, don't you think?" Yeah, they're weird like that. But that made my job easy, at least.

Didn't mean that I particularly cared for the feeling of having the accursed thing on me, though.

After thanking me profusely and reaffirming that I was the "best friend ever," he gave me some final words on the matter.

"I'll tell you when it's safe for me to go grab it back from ya. Think my parents are goin' on some kinda business trip this weekend, so that'd be when it's safest. Meantime, go ahead an' take a look! But don't make the pages sticky, a'ight? That ain't cool."

At least, that was the plan. Keep it for him until he asked for it back.

But the weekend came round and something he couldn't predict cropped up: his parents cancelled the trip. Electing not to take risks, he left it with me until he deemed it well and truly safe.

That day never came. It kept getting postponed, and over time both of us completely forgot about it…

…until now.

And that, my friends, was the story behind this five-year-old piece of portable kinkiness. It probably didn't matter much anymore, but I ought to return it to its rightful owner. I know Beat won't turn down the chance to see some flesh.

"Seriously, though," I muttered half-amused to myself, "what kind of knockers are these? They're humongous."

Leafing through the magazine, I found it chock-full of photos of well-endowed women. Some actually overdid it in the chest department. Nothing was censored. They had nothing to hide. Put very simply, this magazine was one lewd, lewd piece of work. And one I didn't need.

Suddenly the door flung open, and Eri marched in, still clad in her underwear.

"Man, am I beat!" she groaned, closing the door behind her. She was facing away from me as she did so, giving me a couple of precious seconds to hide my magazine. I shoved it back onto the now-empty bottom shelf, placing a few other books on top of it.

Whew! Crisis averted! If there's one thing I learnt about having a girlfriend, it's that they didn't take too kindly to you keeping porn behind their backs.

"H-Hey there," I stammered, trying to stabilize my shaking voice. "What brings you here?"

"I'm taking a break." She fell onto my bed, back first. "It's hard work, you know."

"Yeah, it's never easy. Uh… how much have you done?"

"About twenty percent. Not much, I know."

"Hey, it's still progress. Better than nothing."

Eri lolled her head to the side, looking at me lazily. "My bed's kinda been taken hostage, though. No place to sleep with all the clothes everywhere. Floor's out of the question too."

"You can share my bed with me, then."

"I know. That's what I intended to do all along. But I'm still happy you're offering. I knew I could count on you!"

And she gave me the biggest grin. Dammit, Eri… it's not fair that you're this cute.

She rolled over onto her tummy, arms dangling off the side of the bed. And she immediately noticed all of the books I had laid out on the floor, which piqued her interest… and caused me to break out in a cold sweat. The stupid porno mag was a mere foot or two away from her! Who's to say she wouldn't find out about it sooner or later?

"Whatcha doing?" she asked. "Thinking of organising a garage sale?"

"Oh, uh… I figured I should do some housekeeping of my own too. Got a few odds and ends I don't see myself reading anymore."

"That's a lot of comic books."

"Yeah. If I find some I don't need, you can have them if you like."

"No thanks," she snorted. "I'm not a fan. Plus all this stuff you read seems so… complicated."

"It's not that bad as long as you read the story from the beginning."

"I have to play catch-up with at least a gazillion volumes in order to get up to speed? Again, no thanks."

I laughed. "Don't knock it till you try it."

She reached out and flipped through one at random while I returned to my work. The book in question was the manga adaptation of Madgun Fighter, a mecha show set in space in the distant future where giant robots were commonplace. It's quite popular. There's action, adventure, romance and even a dash of comedy here and there. Not much of the latter, though. This was a serious space opera for the most part. But anyway…

"Oh, this scene looks kinda interesting," observed Eri. "Hey, Neku?"

"Yes?"

"Mind if I recite it a little?"

Her request perplexed me, but I shrugged it off. "Sure, uh… be my guest, I guess."

I could ask what she was up to, but her often-convoluted thought patterns meant her reasoning alone would take a long time to explain. So I let her do as she wished; maybe a little background noise couldn't hurt. Turned out not stopping her was a huge mistake.

"You ingrate!" she bellowed, reading from the manga with a deep voice. "Do you seriously think you can win against the might of the Empire?"

Ah, I recognized that line from a famous scene. The antagonist had the hero cornered and at his mercy. Now it was the latter's turn to talk back, and for this Eri used a nasal, wimpy-sounding voice, totally unfitting of the protagonist. She actually had to pinch her nose shut to achieve that tone, making her sound downright silly.

"I did my best," she whimpered. "I have no regrets."

"Bravado will get you nowhere," she sneered, switching back to her villainous persona. "You've forced my hand, you fool, so now you face the consequences. Are you ready to die like a dog?"

Her fingers clamped her nose shut as she played hero again. "What kind of dog?"

I perked up at that. "Hang on, the scene doesn't go like – "

"Shh! I'm doing a little improv, Neku." She forgot to let go of her nose…

"I-Improv?"

Ignoring me, she resumed her dual roles as both hero and villain, hamming it up like there was no tomorrow.

"You'd make a nice Pomeranian," gloated the evil Eri. "Or a Chihuahua. That works too."

Horrified, her heroic side gasped, "A Chihuahua?! I hate those things! Make me a golden retriever at least. Being a scrawny little yapper isn't gonna help my image."

"Look, never mind. It was just a joke. Something to break the ice as I contemplate how to end your pitiful life as punishment for how you treated me."

"You're evil! What do I care how I treat you? You deserve justice!"

"That's not what I'm talking about. Back when we were in high school, and we were going out…"

I interjected, "Uh… are we going into boys' love territory now?"

But Eri just continued, lending a sad edge to the haughty voice of the villain. "…you never wrote back to any of my messages! You never returned my missed calls! And the bento I made for you… you spat out the first mouthful and threw the rest in the bin, just like that!"

"Y-You used anchovies! I hate anchovies!"

"It's an insult to me! I chose the best bonito flakes for you and arranged them in the words 'I LUV U' but you just mixed it in with the rice like the heartless person you were!"

I tried my best to hold in my sniggering as she kept playing out the scene in the background. It was hard to do much of anything.

Eri's heroic persona spluttered, "Please, if you're gonna kill me, do it quickly. I don't want to have to eat another anchovy in my life."

"Ha ha ha! It's too late for you! I'm going to take over the universe, take control of every government in the cosmos, have you imprisoned for all of eternity," – it was here that Eri cranked up the hamminess to the maximum – "and then, finally… yes, finally… you will EAT! MY! BENTOS…!"

That was the last straw for me. Only she could take a serious, gripping scene and completely bastardize it. I had been reining in my laughter all this time, but now I just couldn't stop it from spilling out of my mouth.

"Stop it, Eri," I gasped. "I'm… I'm trying to work here."

"Hee hee… sorry. No, I mean…" – she just had to use that nasal voice again – "Sorry."

That voice just cracked me up. The whole thing was just so comical. Of course, that made it impossible to concentrate now.

"Gotta go now," she giggled, getting off the bed. "My work here is done."

"Heh… your 'work'?"

"Bothering you, of course. I'm cheeky like that. By the way, can I borrow this for a bit?" She dangled the copy of Madgun Fighter in front of me.

"Well now," I chuckled, "I had no idea you like manga that much."

"I don't. But the girls in this story have such cute outfits. Thought I could grab some ideas for my designs from here. The one with the translucent jacket is my favourite, by the way."

"Oh yeah, she's the dark horse of the series. Anyway, go ahead. Give it back when you're done."

When she was gone and I spent the next minute or two flushing the remaining laughter out of my system, a thought occurred to me.

Eri never did get to find out about the existence of that porno mag.

I honestly thought it'd play out like the typical "not what it looks like" scene in a romantic comedy manga. Some accident would happen, that porno magazine would somehow end up being seen by Eri, and then she'd berate me for reading smut behind her back, which I clearly have never done. Let's just say I was doubly glad she wasn't like one of those cliched female leads who punch the protagonist in the jaw over every little thing.

That's another crisis averted. But I've had enough of close calls. I've read enough romantic comedies to know that the moment you get complacent, that's when all hell breaks loose. So I stuffed the offending magazine in an envelope, scribbled an address and slapped a stamp on it.

"Eri," I called through her door, "I'm going out for a bit. I'll be back in a few minutes."

She asked, "What're you up to?"

"Uh… I'm just gonna take out some trash."

Technically, I wasn't lying. You couldn't say I was a fibber.

The nearest post office was several blocks away. I was going to send this magazine back from whence it belonged, and the sooner I could clean my hands of this filth the better.

It dropped into the post box with a resounding thunk. Never had such a normally mundane sound felt so satisfying. But I had one last thing to do.

The dial tone purred in my ear as I waited patiently…

"Yo, Phones!" Over the line Beat practically shouted his greetings at me. "How you doin', man?"

"I'm cool. Listen, do you have a sec?"

"Sure, whassa story?"

"Well…" I took a furtive glance all around me to make sure no one was close enough to hear our conversation. "Do you remember when you lent me that magazine back in high school?"

"What magazine?"

"The… uh… the bad one."

Naturally, he didn't understand. "I don't getchu, yo. Whaddya mean?"

I coughed and tried to hush my voice, growing red as I talked. "The… The porno mag. You know, what was it… there's a girl naked on the front cover… and, uh… she's kinda using her hands to cover her – "

"Ohhh, that one!" Finally he got it and broke into a short laugh. "Oh man, can't believe I totally forgot about that one! Yeah, I didn't have it for a while, so I had to make do with my own imagination. I'd have tissues by my side, and – "

"Ugh, okay, I get the picture!" I was quick to cut him off before he could give me too much information. Seriously, good grief! "I found it amongst my stuff earlier, and you ought to have it back. So I just mailed it to you."

Overjoyed, he whooped. "Really? Hot damn! You a good pal, Phones! Thanks!"

"Don't mention it. Really… just don't."

"I'll mail you another one of mine. How's about it? It's pretty damn good! Got Rumiko Nakayama on the cover! And she sure got some big – "

"I-I've had enough of porn for a while, thank you very much!"

He chuckled, "A'ight, your call. All I know is, you're missin' out! So how's the mag, bro? You have a good time?"

"Oh, please," I snorted. "I have a girlfriend. I know what a good time is."

XOXOXOXOXO

I wasn't a hoarder like Eri was, so my belongings were easily sorted out. In fact, I was done before half the afternoon was even over, and by the end of it I had a single bundle of old manga and magazines tied up in a little bundle, ready to be thrown out.

Try as I might, there was literally nothing else that needed my attention. I could twiddle my thumbs for the rest of the day… or I could check up on Eri.

She beat me to it though. The door burst open and in she tumbled.

"Ta-da!" she trilled. "Look what I found!"

Her appearance left me flabbergasted. I could almost see the sparkles that would normally accompany her in a scene from right out of a bishoujo manga. Yeah, I was that impressed.

"Is… Is that your old school uniform?"

"Yessiree! You like it?"

"Damn, you still got it."

Damn, indeed. That's her old high school summer uniform that she's currently wearing. Nothing out of the ordinary under normal circumstances, but Eri was never a fan of "normal" or "ordinary". No, she liked to be fashionable, dared to be different. She liked to alter her uniform to bring out its "full potential" as she so often liked to say. The sleeves were rolled up, the collar was splayed open, the blazer was tied around her hips and her skirt was hiked up to dangerous levels… amongst many other modifications.

"This takes me back!" she said, giddy with nostalgia. "I went to school just like this. Remember?"

"I won't forget something like that. It's a mystery for the ages that you didn't get into much trouble for dressing like this."

She rubbed the back of her head, making a cutesy expression. "Yeah… something as sexily unorthodox as this would normally land me in hot water, but I guess I was just lucky no one paid me any mind! Of course, when they did, I'd be forced to go back to the boring stuff."

"You'd always be back to your usual self in a day or two." Wow, how high did she pull up her skirt anyway? It'd be a cinch to see what's underneath…

"Nothing could hold me back for long! Besides, I'm sure those goons on the 'disciplinary' committee liked having me around the way I was. Hypocrites, am I right? Why else was I allowed to go around school unchecked most of the time?"

"Heh, even a bunch of stuffy fusspots can't resist an interesting character such as yourself."

Eri chuckled and gave a shrug. "Hey, when you're sex on legs, it'd be more surprising if they did resist… but anyway! Do you still have your old uniform with you?"

"No, I left it with Auntie and Uncle after I graduated."

"Aww, bit of a pity. I'd have loved to see you in your slacks and blazer again. I always thought you looked cute in them. Ah well, missed opportunities."

I smiled. "Sorry, I just didn't think I'd need them in college."

"Eh, this can still work! Come on!"

"What? What can still – whoa!"

I found myself being dragged to my feet and out of my bedroom. When I saw we were headed for the front door I dug my heels into the floor and held her back.

"Wait, where are we going?"

"For a walk!" she giggled. "Let's go!"

I shuddered. "While you're dressed like this? I wouldn't go out looking like this if I were you."

Her brow adorned with a light frown of puzzlement, she tilted her head. "Huh, why not? I like this getup. Don't you like it?"

"I love it to death. But I don't want my girlfriend to get in trouble for wearing too short a skirt."

True to form, she brushed my warnings aside. She always did love a little danger in her life.

"Oh, psh. You don't know if people are cool with it until you try."

Eri left no more room for arguments. She dragged me out the door, practically kidnapped me, and before I knew it we were buying sundries at the convenience store downstairs.

She was very chipper as she went about her business. But the same couldn't be said for me. There were a few other customers in the shop – all men, it must be noted – and they together with the one male employee were sneaking glances at her. As her boyfriend, I began to grow quite worried for her, and not the slightest bit amused by all the attention she was getting.

We hovered near the back end of the store where various over-the-counter medicines were being sold, and she nonchalantly grabbed two boxes of condoms and tossed them into the shopping basket. Right in front of an elderly man. Judging by the look of bemusement on his face, he must have assumed that she was a teenager and really getting around at such a young age. No, don't get the wrong idea, old geezer! Oh god, don't look at me like I'm some kind of predator!

I ushered her out of there in a hurry, wanting nothing more than to return to the safety of our apartment. Then the worst had to happen.

We passed by the ice cream cooler, and she happened to catch of glimpse of its contents. And she stopped dead in her tracks.

"Ooh!" she squealed. "They have blueberry flavor! Ice cream get!"

She pushed the lid aside and reached in to help herself to as many as she could carry. Two young fellows huddled over at the magazine stand took notice… and seized this opportunity to bend down ever so surreptitiously in hopes of getting a view of what her skirt was barely hiding. Dammit, I knew this would happen!

I sprung into action, standing just behind Eri and right in their line of vision. Despite the glare I directed at them, they didn't seem intimidated at all. They appeared more annoyed than anything that they lost a good chance but at least they left us alone, going back to their magazines and sulking.

"Score!" whooped an elated Eri.

The basket was filled to the brim with ice cream. It's practically a mountain in a basket! I knew she liked blueberry, but this was excessive. Even the cashier couldn't help remarking, "You a fan of Blueberry Tornadoes, huh?"

"I sure am!"

Things went seemingly fine after that. The beeping noise as the cashier scanned our sundries had an almost Zen-like effect. It didn't hurt that the two wannabe peeping Toms from earlier had left the store, giving us a little more breathing space.

Then the cashier picked up the condoms and stared at us with a look of suspicion. Uh-oh… wait for it…

"Yo, miss, aren't you a little young to be using this?"

Eri giggled. "You think I'm that young? I'll take it as a compliment."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

The now-slightly miffed cashier looked at both of us with mounting unease. To anyone else, we really did look like a teenager who was going out with a man older than she was, not that I was that old, but… Oh man, this was really awkward.

I tried to explain my way out of this. "She's not a school student. She's actually in college already…"

He took note of what I said but chose to ignore me, addressing Eri instead. "If you really are a college student, why are you dressed like that?"

"It's cosplay," she said, not missing a beat. "There's nothing wrong with cosplay, right?"

"Cosplay? I dunno… That sounds fishy to me…"

He wasn't convinced, but begrudgingly scanned the condoms anyway, much to my relief and surprise. Dude probably had a long day ahead of him. I wasn't about to ask why he let us off the hook. The less questions asked, the better.

"Thank you for your patronage," he said, once I'd paid him. Then, hastily, he added, "Uh… I ain't gonna stop you two, but you paid for those you-know-whats, so make sure you put them to good use."

The redness on my cheeks was out in full force as we left the store. Eri, however, was perfectly fine. She was even humming a tune under her breath.

"Did you see that?" she said. "He actually thought I was a high school student. I actually fooled him into thinking so! That's like a huge compliment to me."

"That's nice and all, but… how about we go back home now?"

"Sure, we need to stash all of this delicious ice cream anyway!"

"Actually, it's more because I don't want us to bump into a cop and get into – "

A gruff voice from behind us made me jump. "Hey, you two! The guy and the schoolgirl!"

I spun round, and right there behind us… was a cop. Exactly what I didn't want to see. Why, Murphy's Law? Why art thou such a pain in the backside?

Eri pointed at herself inquiringly and the policeman answered in the affirmative.

"Yes, you," he growled, approaching us. "What are you doing here? School isn't out for another hour!"

Here we go again…

XOXOXOXOXO

"Ha ha ha ha…!"

"What's so funny?" I groaned. "You could've gotten yourself in a heap of trouble with that policeman. I mean, hell – he thought you were a schoolgirl playing truant!"

"I know. But it's just too funny!" Imitating the cop's deep voice, she bellowed, "'You better give me a good reason you're skipping out on school or I'm going to have a chat with your parents!' Heh, really?"

"You're lucky you happened to have your college ID card on you. Even then, he gave you quite the earful."

"Pfft. What's wrong with wearing a school uniform for fun? He's such a stick-in-the-mud."

"He also said your skirt was too short."

Her cheery demeanor soured slightly and she scowled. "Oh come on, whose side are you on now? You almost sound like you don't want me to wear this."

I hurried to correct her. "N-No, you're mistaken. I love how the uniform looks on you. But… well…"

"But what?"

"…I'd rather you wear it only for me."

Her expression softened when she heard that, but I had more to say.

"Back at the convenience store, you know? There were these two guys, and they were trying to sneak a peek under your skirt." I followed this up with a brief account of what happened.

"Really? I had no idea." Then, smiling, she added, "But thank you. You saved me back there."

"Yeah, damn straight."

"Okay then, Neku, it's a promise. I won't wear my uniform in public anymore. I'll instead reserve it for…" – she playfully laid a finger on my lips – "…'special' occasions."

I had an idea what such a 'special' occasion would entail. It's just that going into the nitty-gritty of it might be a tad too spicy for everyone else.

"N-Noted," I gulped. "Duly noted."

"Alright! So, uh, before I forget…"

She hopped closer to me on the couch, until our sides were pressed so tightly together not even a single bacterium could pass through. In the fingers of her hand, outstretched in front of us, was her cell phone.

"Selfie time!" she proclaimed. "Might as well since I'm still wearing my uniform. This one's going in the photo album."

"Make it a good one." I nudged closer, trying to squeeze into the shot.

"Alright! Say 'cheesecake' – I mean, 'cheese'!"

SNAP!

We both huddled over her phone to see how it turned out. It was just fine.

"Not bad!" she said approvingly. "Your smile is a little crooked as usual and your hair hangs a little too long over your eyes, but your boyish cuteness more than makes up for it."

"When you say it like that, I don't know how I should react."

"Oh well, it's splendid either way! Now let's take a nude one."

"Hell no."

She giggled. "Your precious little spring roll isn't gonna appear in the shot, you know."

"That's real reassuring… Seriously, no way. Now, back to housekeeping with you!"

Eri's laughter echoed throughout the apartment and didn't quit until she went back into her room.

XOXOXOXOXO

The next morning was, for a Saturday, far quieter than the norm. We forwent the usual cooking lessons to allow Eri more time to finish up on sorting through her stuff. In the meantime, I set about improving yesterday's spaghetti sauce recipe. Being able to work without any distractions was a nice change of pace from the noise and jokes that had been ingrained in our lives. I mean, that's fine too. But sometimes, a man needs his peace and quiet.

Of course, nothing ever stayed quiet for too long in this household…

"Neku!" called Eri. "Get over here!"

Typical. Oh well, let's see what's up. My guess was that she was stuck in yet another one of those "camisole-or-tube-top" debates. Perhaps this time I should go for the camisole. Variety is the spice of life, right?

Instead I got something far better. I opened the door to her room and saw… nothing. Her clothes had finally been cleared out!

"I did it!" she whooped. "No more clutter!"

"Not so fast," I said, although a smile was starting to develop. "Let's see if you can open your closet without any problems."

"Be my guest!" She even pointed towards it with both arms like she was one of those lady assistants at a TV game show. Well, since she was offering…

I reached out for the knob on her closet door with a slightly shaky hand… Why was I nervous anyway? Was I secretly afraid that the 'clothing avalanche' incident would repeat itself?

Come on, what was I thinking? I should have more confidence in her. She may be a bit of a prankster but she wouldn't suffocate me under a mountain of bras and panties just to get a laugh.

Point was, I should just open the damn door.

And when I did, I was in for a pleasant surprise. Firstly, no avalanche, nothing nasty lying in wait. Secondly, it was actually tidy for once. All of her clothes were neatly folded and stacked into piles. Exactly how a typical closet should look like on the inside.

"Well," I said, "you finally did it. And it's about time. Great job, Eri. It's nice to not have to worry about being buried for once, isn't it?"

She laughed. "Yup! The whole thing sure took a lot of work though!"

"Hey, not having to deal with an exploding closet makes it all worth it." I spied a cardboard box in the corner and pointed it out to her. "I'm guessing those are the clothes you don't need anymore?"

"Yeah." She crossed her arms and a troubled look overcame her face. "It's a waste to just toss them out, but I don't know who to give them away to… Uh, you want any of this?"

"Why the hell would I want a bunch of women's clothing?"

"I dunno… I figured you might have some use for it if you ever need to cross-dress. Who knows, maybe one day you'll be doing part-time at a maid cafe – "

"No means no, Eri. You're scaring me. Can't you give them to Shiki?"

"I called her to see if she wanted them, but her own closet's close to bursting at the seams itself."

"Birds of a feather… What about Rhyme?"

"She said she won't be caught dead wearing such 'indecent' clothes. Though I think the real reason is that she won't be able to fit in the first place…"

Eri looked down at her own chest and sighed. Envy was her greatest enemy.

I coughed. "Uh… Maybe Mina might see some use out of them…"

"I dunno… Mina's too much of a tomboy to make it work. At best, she'd look like a guy in drag."

"Oh come on, now that is just mean. Who knows, she might look great."

"Look, she's cute, I'll give you that. But more like a boyish kind of cute. Besides, she's not fashion-minded at all. She's too deeply invested in her video games to care about looking good." Then, stroking her chin, she muttered, "Hmmm, she never turns down anything free though… This might just work."

Indeed it did. Eri called her up and the ensuing conversation basically amounted to her asking, "Want some free clothes?" and Mina saying, "Hell yes!" Half an hour later, my gamer buddy was at our doorstep with a huge grin and we invited her inside to peruse the excess clothing, stuffed inside a cardboard box.

Mina was ecstatic, to say the least. "Wow, cool!" she gushed, examining the contents at a glance. "This is quite the haul you have here… This will last me a lifetime! I probably don't need to shop for clothes for another ten years or so!"

"Glad to hear it," I said. "I hope you don't mind… This used to belong to Eri, so don't be surprised if some of it is a little… uh, spicy."

"Oh, that's fine! I'll use it at home if it's too sexy to wear in public. Anyway, as long as I don't need to pay a single yen, I don't mi– "

Something within the box caught her eye. With a great deal of uncertainty she fished it out… and my spine turned to ice when I recognized it as The Killer. She probably thought it was a shirt or something, but examining it from all angles yielded no sign that it was supposed to have sleeves… or anything that remotely resembled part of a shirt, for that matter.

"That one's special!" chirped Eri.

"Y-Yeah, I can see that," muttered a rightfully confused Mina, "but… what is it?"

"It's The Killer!"

"The… Killer?"

Eri clearly wasn't going to be any help, so Mina turned to me for answers.

I cleared my throat uneasily. "You know when I mentioned that some of these clothes are spicy?"

"Uh-huh?"

"This one will straight-up give you indigestion. Hope you got some antacids."

Hopelessly locked out of the loop, Mina begged for an explanation already. "Look, guys, what am I supposed to do with this?"

"You wear it, of course," said Eri. "Like this!"

She whipped out her cell phone and brought up a selfie of herself wearing it. Well, more like a few selfies. She had them taken from various angles, just to show off how much cloth was missing. Mina's mouth gaped wider with each photo that she was shown. Why, she looked like her mind had snapped like a dead twig.

"What do you think?" giggled Eri dementedly. "Isn't it sexy?"

The flabbergasted gamer spluttered, "Y-You mean you're supposed to be three-quarters naked from the waist up?!"

"That's the gist of it!"

"C'mon, Eri," I chided, "what possessed you to think that anyone would want to wear this?"

"I'll take it."

Both Eri and I turned to Mina, who had a smile on her face. Did she just say she'd… use it for herself? She'd use… The Killer? This?!

With growing horror, I tried to dissuade her from making the wrong choice. "Mina, you're still young. You can't go down the wrong path in life. There are other things to wear besides The Killer – "

"I'm not gonna wear it, geez!" she huffed. "But Ai might be interested in it."

Eri piped up, "Boyfriend still taking things slow with her, huh?"

"Like you won't believe. She's been trying to move things forward with him, but he always plays too safe! Perhaps this might help him notice her more, give them a much-needed boost to their love life. Hell, maybe after this they'll have a sex life."

"Oh my god! That's a great idea! Mina, you're a genius!"

"Heh, ain't I?"

"If anything comes up between them you gotta tell me all about it."

"All the juicy details I can get!"

I coughed. "All's well that ends well, huh?"

Mina graciously thanked us for the free stuff and left, leaving Eri with the relief of a burden lifted off her shoulders. It wasn't my mess to begin with, but even I felt like I could breathe easier seeing those clothes leave her life altogether.

"And that's that!" Eri couldn't be happier. "Man, that felt good!"

"Decluttering always feels that way," I said. "Make a habit of it, Eri."

"I sure feel like a million yen! Oh, I know! Let's go to 104 and buy a bunch of clothes to celebrate! Oh yeah, jeans are currently half off at Shibu-Q Heads too! Now that I've got all this space in my closet, I feel like I can buy a whole lot more. Hee hee… Where should I start?"

I fixed an incredulous frown at her. Hadn't she learnt anything from her ordeal?

She saw the strange look I was giving her and shrugged.

"What?"