Chapter 75
Kate and Arizona walked past the entrance to the ICU on the way to the cafeteria and saw a commotion going on. Kate's stomach turned. "Who…" she asked a nurse running past. "Lucy Smith is in cardiac arrest" the nurse said. Kate sprinted to Lucy's room. "Talk to me, what's happening?" she yelled. Owen was holding the defibrillator paddles to Lucy's chest and Kate flinched as the girl's body jumped. "Still nothing, continue CPR" screamed Owen. Kate immediately locked her hands and started pumping on Lucy's chest. "We've got this Dr Morgan… this isn't your patient anymore" he said out of breath. "I don't care… how many rounds of Epi has she had?" she said. "Too many…." said Owen dejected. "6 rounds of Epi already in" said the nurse. "What the hell happened…. she was stable… how did this happen… what did we miss" shouted Kate. "Nothing! She must have thrown a clot…" said Owen. "Shit… charge again to 360 and get some adenosine ready" said Kate. Owen shocked the girl again and Kate stared at the monitor. "Aystole" said Owen softly. "Dammit, let's up the lido… another round of Epi" said Kate while pumping on the girl's bandaged chest. A minute of desperation passed. "Stopping compressions for a rhythm check" said Kate out of breath. "Still asystole… all vitals flat… pupils are fixed and dialated" reported Owen. Kate looked at the flat line snaking it's way across the monitor screen. "Another round of Epi, get me a thoracotomy tray we need to crack her chest" said Kate. "Kate…. her pupils are blown….we've lost her" said Owen holding her elbow. "No… not yet" mumbled Kate. The girls chest was prepared and Kate swiftly made a cut between her ribs and inserted the rib spreader. Her breathing raced as she took the still heart in her hands and started squeezing it. "Come on Lucy… come on…. you're going to meet Tegan and Sara!… Come on… please…." said Kate as she desperately pumped the heart. "Kate…" said Owen softly. "No… please…" said Kate stifling a sob. "Kate… she's gone" said Owen. "Not yet!" screamed Kate like a lunatic. Everybody in the room stared at her knowing that the situation was hopeless. Kate continued to pump vigorously. "Come on kid don't do this... another epi please" she said. Kate was now pumping slower as her tears came. "Kate…. stop…. don't do this…." said Owen. Kate shook her head and stopped squeezing. She was still holding the heart in her hands. It still felt warm. "It's your call Kate" said Owen. Kate closed her eyes. "Dammit!" she shouted and threw over the thoracotomy tray. The monitor continued to scream. She stood with her head bowed and her bloody hands in her sides. She looked up at the young girls face… she looked peaceful. Kate looked up at the clock on the wall and swallowed hard. "Time of death 7.27 am" she said softly and pulled off her gloves and mask. A nurse switched off the monitor and the screaming stopped. "I'll inform the family" said Owen. "No… I'll do it. I pronounced her" said Kate and started walking out. Owen took her arm "No Kate… I'll do it…. look at you. Go take a shower and pull yourself together" he said. Kate looked down at her bloody scrubs and started to hyperventilate.
After pulling herself together for an hour Kate was back at the nurses' station. What time did she wake up? "She hasn't woken up yet doc" said the nurse. Kate frowned. Tegan went to bed really early last night. Sure she woke up a few times but she should be awake by now. Her room got morning sun and the blinds weren't even closed. "Are you sure?" she asked. "Not that I know of and I've been checking on her the whole morning". Kate's heart rate sped up. "I'm not liking this…." she mumbled sounding worried. She walked into Tegan's room and looked at the monitor again. Tegan was still in exactly the same position she left her an hour and a half ago. She put her hand on Tegan's shoulder and shook it lightly. "Tegan… wake up" she said softly. Tegan didn't move. "Tegan! Wake up!" she said louder still shaking her shoulder. Tegan grunted softly and moved onto her side. Kate looked up at the monitor and for a second saw an abnormality. Her adrenaline levels were already sky high and this sent he over the edge. She panicked and pressed the red emergency button on the wall. The automated "Code Red… Code Red" came through the speaker system. Kate rolled Tegan over and put her stethoscope on her chest and shook her head looking confused when everything sounded fine. A team of doctors and nurses with a resus trolley came rushing in. They all made quite a noise and Tegan's eyes opened. "Whaaa…. what's going on?" she said and sat up. A nurse pushed Tegan down and ripped her gown open. Tegan looked scared and utterly confused. "Okay…. Hang on… we've got a loose lead here" said a nurse and re-attached the electrode. Kate looked up at the monitor and gave a sigh of relief. "Relax Tegan, you're just fine" said the nurse and ruffled her hair. The doctors and nurses looked at Kate perplexed seeing that the patient is fine. They looked at the monitor and then back at Kate. "Ss… sorry… false alarm." she said blushing. She pressed the button on the wall again to cancel the Code Red. Lindsey just got to the hospital and came running into the room "Tegan! Tegan!" she shouted. "What the? Way to wake a girl up" said Tegan still looking drowsy and confused, she rubbed her eyes. Kate breathed deep trying to get rid of the effects of adrenaline coursing through her. "She's fine Lindsey… I'm sorry… false alarm" she said looking shaken up. "I'm sorry… Sorry guys" said Kate again as the emergency team left the room. What was I thinking! Kate scolded herself. She's fine, she's fine. Lindsey was still in a panic, clearly remembering every second of the last few times Tegan had a Code Red, two of them turned into Code Blue so those words were the most dreaded ever! She had her hands all over Tegan's face. She kissed her cheeks repeatedly. She pushed Tegan's long bangs out of her face and kissed her lips. "Easy tiger…" giggled Tegan. "What time is it? I'm still tired" said Tegan groggily. "It's late sleepy head!" smiled Lindsey. Kate stood in silence watching Lindsey hug Tegan. Owen walked in and put his hand on Kate's shoulder. "Dr Morgan… may I have a word?" he said. Kate rubbed her cheek. "I'll be back in a minute Tegan" said Kate. Tegan yawned and nodded "Hey if you see the breakfast trolley send them this way please… I'm famished" she said and gave another massive yawn. "You're always hungry these days" laughed Lindsey and kissed Tegan on the cheek. "I have to get my strength back you know" said Tegan. "It's good that you're eating a lot Tegan" said Lindsey. Lindsey had her hand under her chin and her elbow on the bed and stared at Tegan's pink cheeks "God… I'm so in love with you" she whispered.
Owen led Kate into the boardroom. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Of course" said Kate and looked taken aback. "What was that all about?" asked Owen. "I… um… the nurses said she had a rough night and she had some trouble maintaining her BP and… and she hadn't waken up yet…. I tried to wake her but couldn't and then her monitor…. um… I don't know" stuttered Kate. "Did you sleep last night Kate?" he asked. "Yeah… a little…" said Kate. "And did you really have trouble waking her or did you panic?" asked Owen. "What are you insinuating Dr Hunt?" said Kate on the back foot. "I'm insinuating that you're too close to this…. you need a break…. you're on the edge and you need to talk to someone Kate… you really do." said Owen "Oh please! Don't be ridiculous. I had every right to panic just now…. she… she…." said Kate and put her hand in her hair. She seemed to crumble and plonked down on a chair at the large table. "I…. I'm sorry…. This is not like me I don't know what…." Kate trailed off mid-sentence looking spooked. "I know very well this is not like you… this morning… Lucy… I know that was hard on you" he said softly. "Path came back… she threw a clot… there was nothing you could've done" he said. Kate nodded. "We all lose some Katy... focus on the ones we can save" he said. "This had nothing to do with what happened this morning" she said and shook he head. "It's all coming to breaking point Kate… You're not dealing with what you went through with Tegan…. I'm recommending to the chief that he suspends you until you get help" said Owen. Kate just shook her head. "I don't believe you…. you..." she whispered looking hurt. "Kate… Kate look at me!" said Owen and pulled her chin up with his fingers. "You are the most talented and dedicated doctor in this hospital, no contest…. and I want you to have a long and happy career but right now… you have to admit to yourself… you're losing it. You're drained. You're burning out fast and I'll be damned if I'm going to let that happen on my watch. Yes, sure you had a few weeks off but even then you had Tegan to worry about constantly. And I know that's not going to stop. " said Owen. Kate just sat with her head in her hand leaning on the table.
A minute of silence followed. "You're right…. I'm sorry…. you're right. But I'm seeing Tegan through this… I'm sticking with her" she mumbled. Owen put his hand on Kate's back and felt it start to shake. "It's okay… I know it's been hell for you these last few months. Let it out…" he said softly. Kate composed herself after a few minutes. "Owen… I've been struggling with this decision but I think you just helped me decide…. I'm going to take a few months off… maybe even more. Maybe I'll surf the whole day... or play music again... or... I don't know... I need to find myself again… But please, please don't let them take me off Tegan's case… We're almost there, I want to see her through this… I'm not taking any more patients but please don't… don't… I'm fine really…." said Kate. "Okay…. are you going to go see a therapist… PTSD isn't a joke Kate!" said Owen. Kate looked up, "Well I hardly think I have PTSD!" she said shocked. "I will put lots of money on it that you do…" said Owen. "I know, I've been there…. when I came back from war it…" he got cut off by Kate "You went to war! I… I work in Beverly Hills…" she said. "Doesn't matter where it happened. I had to watch my friends sick and injured just like you." said Teddy. "Can we not talk about this now please… I have to go check on Tegan. Please just…. please don't report me to the chief… I'm outa here as soon as I can" said Kate and turned to the door looking wounded. She stopped with her hand on the door. "Thank you Owen…. I know you mean well" she said.
Kate came back into Tegan's room looking shaken up. "Hey doc, can I go home yet? This hospital food isn't gonna cut it much longer" asked Tegan between bites of toast. "Um… well… apparently your BP struggled a bit last night so I'm going to keep you a while longer" said Kate. Tegan's face fell, "I'm okay Kate… please let me go home. I promise I'll take it easy" begged Tegan. Kate just stared at her for a few seconds. "Hey… Kate... are you okay?" asked Tegan. Kate snapped out of it, she really did want to get out of this hospital…. soon. Her rational mind told her there was nothing she could do for Tegan here that she couldn't do at home. Kate didn't answer Tegan's question but simply put her stethoscope in her ears and put the head of it on Tegan's chest. Her hand was shaking. Lindsey had never seen her hands shake. Lindsey looked up and softly spoke "Kate…. Katy… what's wrong?" she asked. "I'm sorry Kate… I was just joking around… If you want me to stay I'll stay… you're the doc" said Tegan looking stunned. Kate didn't reply but looked down, she looked on the verge of tears. Lindsey put her hand on Kate's. Kate closed her eyes and tried to control her emotions. It felt as if it all just hit her like a truck. "It's okay… It's okay... just sit down for a minute buddy" said Tegan and touched her forearm. Kate felt dizzy, the events and emotions of the past few months flooding her head. She sat down with her elbows on the bed and her head in her hands. "I'm sorry…." she mumbled. "I'm so sorry this is very unprofessional". "Fuck professional… you're not my doctor right now you're my friend" said Tegan and sat up. Kate sighed and looked up at Tegan, "Let's get the fuck out of this place" she said and started detaching Tegan's heart monitor and remove her oxygen line. Tegan didn't look excited. She swallowed hard and gave Lindsey a look of concern. "I'm leaving the IV in for now… get dressed I'm going to sign the discharge papers" said Kate and walked out of the door. Tegan's eyes were wide… "What just happened" she said looking at Lindsey.