She Comes And Goes As She Pleases

by BrDPirateMan

Neku's life turns upside-down when he falls in love with Eri, the most eccentric girl in Shibuya. He's an everydude with a knack for deadpan snarking. And she's the flirty wisecracker who loves using her sex appeal to tease him 24/7. Odd couple? You bet. Get ready for a fun and sexy romantic comedy where their growing relationship is proof that opposites DO attract! [Ecchi content]

70. Mountain Resort Getaway, Part 1

She Comes And Goes As She Pleases (Part 70)
by BrDPirateMan

"Time's up! Pencils down!"

The clatter of pens being put down simultaneously reverberated throughout the exam hall. With it came a general feeling of relief that pervaded through the air.

It's over.

Final exams were over at last!

Of course, we still had to wait for our results so we couldn't say we were out of the woods yet, but damned if this wasn't a happy moment.

Finally released from the accursed exam hall where we'd been through so much, my buddies were bouncing for joy. Some were comparing answers to test questions that had stumped them, finding relief when they discovered they answered similarly. Of course, they could be similarly wrong, but I didn't want to burst their bubble.

It was pure coincidence that Eri's last exam fell on the same day as mine, so she should be done with hers soon. Now to go pick her up and bask in the embrace of –

"Karaoke!" called out one of my classmates. "C'mon, let's go sing our hearts out and celebrate!"

His archnemesis, with whom he bickered regularly over unimportant matters, disagreed. "I think we'd rather prefer a good meal. How about we hit up a maid cafe – "

"A maid cafe?! No way. We're not going to a maid café. It's too cutesy and not my thing."

The other guy sighed. "We are not having this argument again."

"We will if it means I don't need to see another frilly maid outfit again."

"You dare insult the goodness of maids?! Oh, that's it. You've done it now."

True to form, they still argued like clockwork. The rest of us quickly came to a decision. As for me…

"C'mon, bro!" said another classmate, his arm around my shoulder. "Leave that old married couple be and let's go grab some ramen!"

"Actually, I gotta go pick up Eri. She's probably waiting for me now."

He wasn't impressed. "Must be nice to rub the salt in the wounds of us single folk, huh?"

I chuckled. "I meant no offense."

"Then go," said yet another friend, pretending to be mad. "The Singles Club has long excommunicated you anyway. Shoo, shoo!"

"Heh, I'll catch you around."

Bubbling with excitement I drove over to Eri's college where I found her chatting up a storm with Shiki and their gal pals. Everyone had smiles on their faces, which was a clear indication that things had gone well for them. That's good.

But I digress. I've got a girlfriend to take home.

"Eri," I called out, "all good?"

She turned to face me and echoed what I said but with more confidence. "All good!"

"Shiki, no problems, I take it?"

Our bespectacled buddy gave a thumbs up. "It went smoothly."

"Like silk?"

"Like silk. You?"

"My exams all got the silky treatment. I think I'll be fine."

"Great to know!" she chuckled. "So… going home already, you two?"

"Yeah, we gotta start packing."

A confused Shiki raised an eyebrow. "Packing? What, you're moving house again?"

Before I could even utter a single word, Eri was fast as lightning with her reply.

"No, we're vacationing in the mountains. We're shacking up for two days and two nights at Kurogane Inn."

Shiki and the other girls gasped in unison. They were clearly envious. Kurogane Inn had quite the reputation and it's the kind of place you'd go to if you wanted to spend some quality time with your significant other. And spend it we would. We deserved this.

One of the girls mused, "I wish my boyfriend would take me there."

"Man!" said another. "Talk about lucky. I heard the food there is fantastic."

"When is it happening?" asked Shiki.

Eri's chest was all puffed out in pride. "This Friday! I can't wait."

"It's in two days? Wow, you guys must've been anxious to get started already."

More giggling from the girls. The carnal connotations were hard to ignore. When a couple goes on vacation by themselves, you know what they'll be up to. And that was what Eri and I would, at some point, be doing. I fought to calm the heat that was creeping up my cheeks.

But before I could be subjected to further embarrassment, Eri saved me. "Well, we gotta jet. See you girls soon!"

As we walked away and waved goodbye over our shoulders, Shiki said, "Have fun, you two!"

One of the girls, a real cheeky sort not unlike Eri, called out in jest, "Bring condoms!" at which point they all started to laugh like a pack of hyenas. I sure was glad we were already getting in our car by then. The embarrassment would increase tenfold should they catch sight of my reddening face.

We were out of there in five seconds flat. As we swerved out of campus, Eri whooped in delight, "It's over. It's finally over! No. More. Exams!"

"Hold your horses, cowgirl," I said. "We still have to wait for the results to be released."

She puffed out one cheek in annoyance. "I know. But come on! There's an unwritten rule that says you never bring up the topic of results right after a test is done. No, what you ought to be doing is to celebrate! Not go…" – she purposely used a derpy-sounding voice – "…'b-b-but we still have to wait for the results, eheheh…'"

I thought her little jibe was funny. "You sound like a nerd."

"That's you I'm imitating."

"Well, this nerd was about to treat you to crepes, but…"

She gasped and perked up. "You're gonna treat me to crepes?!"

"Huh? What're you talking about? All I said was a nerd was gonna treat you to crepes. Where's this nerd? I don't see him anywhere…"

Drooling from the thought of a tasty snack, she changed her tone immediately and played up the cutesy angle for all it's worth.

"Oh, I never called you a nerd. Did I ever say that? You must have heard me wrongly."

Inwardly I smirked. Never one to dangle the carrot out of her reach for long, I quickly relented. "Well then, that's more like it. Right, let's go get us some crepes!"

"Awww yes! Off to Sunshine we go!"

We found ourselves at a crossroads, waiting for the light to turn green. I had my left blinker on; Sunshine was off to the road on the left. But suddenly Eri piped up.

"Hold on. Let's not go to Sunshine."

"Why not?"

"The crepes at Venus Cafe are better. Let's go there!"

"Okay, Venus it is."

I turned on my right blinker. If you wanted to get to Venus from here you needed to take this road on the right.

But not even three seconds later Eri went back on her words.

"Hold the phone! There's a limited edition strawberry crepe at Valhalla Cakemasters!"

The green light had already come on and the car in front of me was moving away, and here I was not having a clear direction of where to head in. I couldn't have given a more exasperated sigh.

"Eri…"

"Hmmm… on second thought, let's go to Sunshine after all. Their crepes are cheaper."

"Oh, for… Make up your damn mind!"

XOXOXOXOXO

"Whoa…!"

Eri gasped in delight when she looked out the window. I was in the seat next to hers so I had to crane my neck around her to get a better look.

"This is it," she squealed. "We're finally here!"

Indeed we were. After taking a bus ride up a meandering snowy mountain road for goodness knows how long, we had reached our destination. And about time too. It'd be nice to stand up and stretch these tired limbs.

Kurogane Inn, here we come.

We alighted along with the rest of the passengers and, having collected our luggage, made a beeline for the lobby. Eri was lugging along an oversized roller bag which dwarfed my knapsack. I remember pointing it out to her yesterday while we were packing.

"There's bound to be all sorts of nice things to buy," she had said, referring to the myriad shops scattered in the vicinity. "So I'm gonna need the space! Oh yeah, gotta remember to get some stuff for the girls too."

"With a bag that size," I'd remarked, "you could smuggle someone inside."

"I bet you could fit in it. Wanna try?"

"Ladies first."

But she had a point to make. Kurogane Inn wasn't the only attraction around these parts, far from it. Behind the inn was a couple of restaurants and a number of souvenir shops. There was also the ski lodge that people seemed to love visiting and even a bowling alley if skiing wasn't your cup of tea. Anyone who came here was spoilt for choice, and the temptation to spend and fill your bags with goodies was far too great. Being together with a big spender like Eri in such a place was a sure-fire way to blow a hole in your wallet, but heck… it's nice to spoil ourselves once in a while, right?

The room we booked was small but cozy, with tatami flooring and paper sliding doors. The deluxe rooms had their own outdoor baths which were heated and would be nice to have, but they were far too expensive. We'd just have to make do with the communal ones.

At least the view was great, as we quickly found out when Eri whisked the curtains open. Ours overlooked the forest behind the inn, affording us a beautiful yet haunting glance at Mother Nature.

"Amazing," gushed Eri. "This is the kind of stuff that just begs to be looked at while sitting in an outdoor bath. Preferably with a cup of sake."

"But neither of us drinks."

"Then scratch the sake. We can use orange juice."

"Sure, enjoy the great outdoors and sip OJ. No, seriously, that's the least romantic drink I can think of."

"Then you come up with a more adult drink. Something a little less OJ-like."

"I think a nice cool chocolate milkshake would do the trick, won't you say?"

Incredulous, she raised an eyebrow. "Really? You'd call a pot black? I thought you're better than that, Kettle."

The two-hour bus ride left us famished, so we ventured out to locate the two eateries; conveniently they were situated next to one another. One was a ramen store, the other a maid cafe. Now it's just a matter of picking one and heading in for some grub.

"Okay, time for noodles," said Eri. But then she quickly paused and said, "Hmm… but the maid cafe looks interesting…"

Here we go again…

"Come on," I groaned, "let's pick one and go inside already. I'm okay with whatever and I'm freezing my butt off here."

"Believe me, I'm kinda leaning towards the maid cafe, but at the same time, I hear my stomach calling me for some tonkotsku ramen…"

"Then let's grab the ramen."

"But the uniforms in that maid cafe are so cute! I wanna see them up close."

"If you want to see the maids that badly, then let's pay 'em a visit."

Eri cast a weird glance at me. "Neku, I don't think you were this… indecisive before."

"…You're the last person I want to hear that from."

Now she was actually starting to get frustrated. "Isn't there some way we can make this easy?"

"Yeah, a coin toss." I fished a 50 yen coin from my wallet and balanced it on my thumb. I can't believe we're doing this… "Heads it's ramen, tails it's the maid cafe."

"Deal. Go for it."

I flicked the coin and had it land on the back of my palm. The result was heads.

"Ramen it is," I announced. "Let's head in, Eri. I hear a bowl of shoyu ramen calling me."

"Okay!"

She happily followed me, making me think that we'd settled the issue at long last. But then her footsteps slowed until she came to a complete halt a couple of feet from the entrance of Misuzu's Ramen Delights… and she gave a longing look at Cutie Sugar Gardens beside it.

"Uh, Eri…?"

Muttering to herself, she almost sounded regretful. "Why couldn't it have been tails?"

Oh, boy.

XOXOXOXOXO

When spring arrives, you watch the cherry blossoms.

When it's summer, you go the beach and splash up a storm.

Autumn shows up and get yourself some delicious roasted sweet potatoes.

Then before you know it, it's winter. And for quite a lot of people, winter means…

"Skiing!" squealed Eri. "When you're in the mountains, you gotta go skiing!"

And that's what we were about to do. Fully decked out in skiing gear, we were on our way to meet up with a bunch of beginners to be coached by an instructor.

As we were walking over, we happened to pass by a few signs.

The first one read, "BEWARE OF BEARS".

The hair stood on end at the back of my neck. There were bears around here?! That's bad news! I quickly pointed this out to Eri.

"There are bears in the neighborhood," I gulped. "We have to be really careful…"

She wasn't all that fazed, though. "We're not gonna bother them. As long as we leave them alone, so will they. I should know. I've dealt with Kogoro before."

"What if they don't want to leave us alone? What if they're hungry? What if they decide to pay us a visit while we're taking a bath in the hot springs?"

"They won't come that near, would they?"

"You never know… Our baths are open-air. I bet we look like boiled shrimps to any bears who might be watching."

"Relax," she laughed, patting my shoulder. "Boiled shrimps don't have orange or pink hair like us."

I narrowed my eyes at her, a little miffed that she was treating a potential life-or-death scenario as a joke. "Very funny."

We came across the next sign not a half second later, and it too had a worrying message to convey:

BEWARE OF WILD BOARS

Yikes. Boars too? I heard they're pretty dangerous. And then came another sign:

BEWARE OF MACAQUES

What was this, a freaking zoo? Eri looked at this one quizzically, unsure of whether she read it right.

"Aren't they supposed to be friendly?" she asked. "Macaques tend to leave people alone, right?"

"Well, not these ones, apparently." I pointed at the text displayed lower on the sign. "Look."

The macaques in the vicinity may seem harmless but they are cheeky and love to steal unguarded items. Use the lockers to keep your belongings safe at all times.

Do not feed the macaques

Do not play with the macaques

Do not go after the macaques if they steal your belongings; they may react violently

Harming the macaques in any way is forbidden by law

"Must be nice being a protected species," I grumbled. "You're free to do anything without repercussions."

"I wish I was a protected species," she giggled. "I can do all sorts of weird stuff and get away scot-free."

"I'm sure the macaques will welcome you with open arms."

"Are you trying to say I'm a monkey?"

"I didn't say that." I couldn't suppress a smile. "You did."

"Ooh!" she huffed. "You better be ready. This monkey's gonna play a prank on you sometime."

I chuckled. "I'll be waiting."

The skiing instructor taught us how to get to grips with the basics, and it didn't take long for us to be somewhat at ease with movement. I say "somewhat", because I kept trying to walk normally and kept forgetting I was in skis.

"You're supposed to push yourself along," said Eri. "Like this."

And she kept her feet together while she spiked the ground with her ski poles. Then, pushing down and backwards on the poles, she was able to achieve forward movement.

"Now you try it."

I attempted to mimic her: keep the feet together, jab the ski poles into the ground, push backwards, and –

"Neku! Why are you going sideways?!"

"I… I don't know! You told me to push backwards – "

"Come here. I'll show you."

I tried to waddle towards her, only to spin around in place, causing her to grab the back of her neck in slight exasperation.

"Never mind, Neku. I'll come over."

She clutched my arms, molding my posture like I was a mannequin. I did feel like a gangly puppet. But eventually I was settled into the right position.

"Good! Okay, now stab those poles into the ground…"

That's what I did. So far so good.

"Now push down on those poles and inch forwards."

For a second I hesitated. This was the step I had trouble with. No one else seemed to have any issues, so why me? This should be simple.

Nevertheless, I tried again. This time my feet were inexplicably stuck in place, and I lost my balance when I tried to budge. To be fair, I did move forwards… just not in the way I wanted to.

I was just lucky Eri happened to be in front of me when I fell. My face collided full-force into her bosom. It still hurt a bit, but at least she cushioned most of the impact. One of the many benefits of having a girlfriend, I guess. She did say she'd give me her full support…

Concerned, she squeaked, "Hey, uh, you okay?"

Slightly giddy, I pried my face loose from her makeshift airbags, thankful she had at least some volume in her chest. "I-I'm fine. No concussions here."

"Great! We good to continue your lessons?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna nail it this time – "

At that moment I happened to glance in the direction of some of our fellow beginners. They were a group of guys – friends, likely – and each of them was scowling at me. I even overheard one of them muttering, "Tch, lucky piece of crud…"

Single much? Their jealousy was typical grade-A bitterness. But the woes were theirs, not mine.

Eventually with help from Eri and the instructor I got the hang of it, although I was slower than everyone else. The entire group was already zipping down the mountain like nobody's business and here I was taking my first baby steps from atop a gentle slope.

"Let's do this," cheered Eri. "Together!"

Eri, I'm glad you're so patient with me… I promised myself to treat her to a good meal later on.

Eventually I learnt enough to slide around without falling down or going in directions I didn't want. Now we stood at the top of a small hill, so small a child could handle it. But the slope looked manageable and I was confident I could do this one.

"I'm gonna do this," I said, trying to psyche myself up. "First, this hill. Next, the world!"

"Why settle for the world," giggled Eri, "when you can conquer space?"

"Hey, one step at a time. We all start out as noobs. So… ladies first?"

"Hee hee… Watch and learn!"

Before she could start her descent, however, she was stopped dead in her tracks by the sound of some guy calling out:

"…There's no mistake. It's her! It's GAL-AXY!"

We turned in the direction of the voice just in time to see a group of guys scurrying towards her. They converged upon her like a swarm of ants and I found myself being pushed aside. Almost lost my balance too, which would have sent me tumbling down the hill. I could barely see her above the heads of the small crowd that had gathered.

"It really is you!" gushed someone. "GAL-AXY in the flesh!"

Eri reacted in confusion. "GAL… wha…?"

"Oh man, this day is so dope!" said another. "I never thought I'd run into her here of all places!"

A couple of other guys started chanting, "GAL-AXY! GAL-AXY!"

Oh boy… otakus? Here? Just what we needed when we were about to get to the good part in our skiing adventure!

But I couldn't blame Eri. There was that one time when she cosplayed as the protagonist of the Gynoid Dreams anime as part of a promotion and it was a runaway success. GAL-AXY became a name people made it a point to remember.

"Do you remember me?" said one of the guys excitedly, eyes shining like stars. "I was at the Anime Expo of 20XX! You were there, cosplaying as GAL-AXY! And you were amazing!"

Eri didn't quite know what to say. "Uh… uh-huh?"

Despite her momentary lack of eloquence, that got a positive reaction from her fans. They proceeded to bombard her with questions.

"Do you still watch Gynoid Dreams?"

"Which is your favourite episode? Mine is Episode 10."

"Are you going to cosplay as GAL-AXY again anytime soon?"

Eri's response to each of their questions was "Um…" or some variation of it. Once, she managed to squeeze out three words – "Well, I guess?" – before she was cut off by more questions. I'd call that a record.

Awed into a frenzy by the presence of their heroine, the fanboys inevitably turned to the topic of memorabilia. One of them produced a pen and notebook, shoving it into Eri's face, and prompting the others to follow suit. Now even more flabbergasted, she simply stared.

One of them squealed, "GAL-AXY, may we have your autograph? Pretty please?"

Another chided him, "You fool! That's not how you address her! Don't you remember she was coronated as the queen of Noah-8 in Episode 19? You simply don't call her by name!"

The other fanboys slapped their foreheads when they realized their mistake. "Of course!" said the first one. "Your Majesty! Even though we are not worthy of your attention, would you be so kind as to help sign our autograph books?"

"Uh…" Poor Eri was confused as hell. "Sure?"

Oh, brother. These poor guys were stuck in their little fantasy world. So sad. At least she was gracious enough to provide them with autographs as well as take photos with them.

Finally the most outspoken one amongst them said, "Guys, we've bothered our queen long enough. Let us be on our way; even a monarch needs time to herself."

And that was a sentiment they all shared. Bidding her goodbye they raced away, hopping all over the place like bunnies and nearly bumping into people on the way.

Eri turned to me with the kind of smile you make when you have no clue what's going on.

"Neku… what just happened?"

I just shrugged. "Beats me, Your Majesty. So, back to skiing…"

"Right. Make sure you take notes!"

Eri took a deep breath, then using her ski poles she shoved herself onto the incline. I watched as she slid down the entire length of the slope… which couldn't have been more than two meters. Hey, we all gotta start somewhere. Her movement was a little wobbly as was expected of a beginner, but at least she made it to the bottom without hurting herself. She whipped round and flashed me a peace sign, which I responded with a thumbs up.

Suddenly, our little moment of personal triumph was interrupted by… applause. And cheering.

"GAL-AXY! GAL-AXY…!"

There they were, standing in a line along a fence where they could watch her in action. Those Gynoid geeks couldn't get enough, could they?

But again, as befuddled as Eri was, she didn't seem to mind the attention. She even gave them a wave.

"She waved at us!" gasped one of them. "GAL-AXY waved at us!"

It was too much for them to take and they fainted. Eri found some comedy in their antics and laughed.

Under my breath I muttered, "Good grief…"

XOXOXOXOXO

Now it's evening and the perfect time to have a good long soak in the bath. Nothing like a little hot spring goodness in the middle of winter. Word has it that the bath at Kurogane Inn had healing and rejuvenating properties… and that should you bathe there long enough, you'll stay young and beautiful… or at least make your age less obvious. It could be a load of bull, but that didn't stop lots of people from coming here every year specifically to hop in the waters at least once.

Personally I didn't care about all of that hocus-pocus. I was here for a bath, and that's what I'd get.

It just sucked that it wasn't mixed. There's only one big bath but instead of making it available to all, men and women had to take turns and go in at different times. As it so happened, I had the privilege of going first.

"I'll join you later," giggled Eri. "Have fun in the meantime."

"Heh." That's not possible, of course. Talk about missed opportunities…

After cleaning myself up, I grabbed a towel and braced myself as I opened the door to the outdoor bath. The cold winter air immediately slammed into me like a truck.

"Guh!"

It's freezing! The part just before you get into the water is always the worst. For those few seconds before you get in, you're exposed to the elements.

But once you're neck-deep in the water, the relief is out of this world. It's just so nice and warm. And with the surroundings so cold as they are, you don't want to get out.

It did baffle me that there was no fence around the bath to keep the animals and peeping Toms at bay. I wasn't too concerned about perverts (you'd have to be crazy to sit out in the cold just to peep), but my thoughts flashed back with great urgency to the signs we came across this morning. Oh, let's see. Beware of bears, boars and macaques? That's a lot of animals to worry about while you're naked and defenseless. What if they go for my groin and bite off my little boy-chimney thinking it's a tasty snack?

However, the threat of being jumped by a hungry creature notwithstanding, this was still pretty dope. Public baths were nice and all, but this was the real deal.

So why was there no one around? It was completely devoid of life. One would think there would at least be one or two other people lounging in here. But no, I was all there was.

I wasted little time dropping the issue, thinking I was lucky that I had the entire place to myself. There's even a big rock near the far end of the bath that I could lie back against.

But then, just as quickly, the door slid open and I was joined by another person. Looking at his silhouette through the steam, I could see he was a real slim fellow, much like myself. I'd have paid it no mind…

…except his movements were far more… girlish than I expected. And wait, I've seen that body shape before…

When he slunk into the water and waded closer, the steam let up and I could see him in his fully unclothed glory.

"Neku?"

I gasped and turned bright red. "Eri, what are you doing here?!"

Shivering from the cold, she found immediate relief dunking herself into the water. "No, what are you doing here?"

"This bath is still open only to men. You're lucky there's no one else here yet. Hurry and leave before someone comes in!"

She calmly wrapped her towel around her hair, tying it up in a tidy little package. Then she dropped the bomb.

"Um, if anyone should get out, it's you, Neku. The bath is open to women now."

I went from red as a tomato to white as a sheet. At least, that's what I thought my face would look like, but without a mirror I couldn't be sure.

"S-Since when?" I gulped.

"Uh… about five minutes ago? You might wanna hurry."

Yikes! The ladies would be pouring in any minute now! It's not like me to lose track of the time. I had to dash before they saw me and screamed bloody murder.

"Oh god, I had no idea. Well, I gotta get go– "

Then my luck took a turn for the worse. The door opened, and in flooded a whole gaggle of women. I immediately turned tail and slipped back into the waters. Taking refuge behind the big rock, I pressed my back to it as hard as I could. Maybe if I pressed hard enough, I could blend into my surroundings and pass off as another part of the scenery.

Eri slunk over to join me behind the rock, giving me some much-needed intel.

"Uh, there are a lot of people now. It's gonna be hard to escape, Neku."

"Tell me something I don't know!"

She took a peek at the throng now gathered behind us and then relayed to me, "Well, there are a couple of old women among them… and a few kids."

"That's not what I meant! And just how many of them are they anyway?"

I peered around the rock and my eyes were immediately assaulted by the sight of a whole cavalcade of body parts I should not be looking at. With regards to my own question, yes, there were enough people to give me a bad day should they become aware of my presence.

Dammit! I went back to pretending I was a carpet of lichen hugging the rock. As if things weren't awkward enough, Eri had to get jealous at a time like this.

"So," she huffed, arms crossed, "had your fill of naked female flesh already?"

"Wha…? I had no intention of – "

"There's some right here, you pervert!" She hefted her breasts in her hands like a pair of honeydew melons and shoved them in my face. "The best fruits in Shibuya! Are you blind?!"

"N-Now's not the time for this, Eri! I gotta figure out how I can leave this place alive!"

"Well… that would be hard. The steam isn't quite thick enough that you can walk past without them seeing you."

"And there's only one exit. It's either that or hop into the freezing cold. Plus, supposing I take the latter option, how am I going to get back inside without my clothes?"

Eri developed a dreamy look on her face. "You'd end up as a popsicle anyway. A Neku-flavored popsicle… Good god that sounds delicious…"

"Come on, stay focused! You can have your dessert later."

She smacked a hand into her open palm. "Oh, I know! How about you disguise yourself as a woman?"

"Wha…? How?"

"It's not that hard. Wrap your towel around your body, and another one around your head and face. Here, I'll lend you mine!"

Before she swiped the towel off her head, I stopped her. "That might work for getting through the bath, but I don't know how well it'll hold up in the locker area. I'd have to change… and there might be other people in there."

"That's true… but the bath became available to women only just now. Maybe there aren't that many people inside yet. But if you're leaving, it has to be now."

"Well… it's worth a shot."

Eri helped me look the part for Operation Great Escape. I had a towel wrapped around my body, making sure I was properly covered down below. She finished up by encasing practically my entire head like a turban. Hopefully the steam made visibility poor enough that I'd pass off as a flat-chested lady. But still, master of disguise I most definitely was not. Goodness, this was ridiculous… If only I'd not lost track of the time!

"What do you think?" I asked. "Do I look convincing enough?"

She held up a hand horizontally and waggled it. "Eh, it'll do."

That wasn't good to hear. "Why? I-Is it not good after all?"

"You don't have these for starters." She pointed at her boobs. "And this is in the way."

I yelped as I felt her grab my crotch underwater. The imp simply could not resist. But even as I swatted her hand away she still had this grin on her face.

"Oooh," she giggled, "getting a bit long and hard, are we?"

"Geez! D-Don't do that! I'm supposed to be a lady right now. I can't walk around with a freaking bulge!"

"Eheh. Sorry. Calm down for a bit."

"I'll… I'll try."

I closed my eyes and tried to focus all of my thoughts on mundane things. But, invariably, my mind would twist or relate it to something sexy.

My first thought was of the exams I took. That's safe enough. I imagined myself back in the exam hall, feverishly scribbling down answers.

Whoops. Dropped an eraser.

Presently, the invigilator happened the pass by and helped to pick it up for me. No big deal.

Except the invigilator was Eri, dressed up to look the part. She really nailed the 'hot teacher' look… Wow, the cleavage was in my face and her skirt was short as heck. She even gave me a playful wink…

Wait, what was I thinking about?! Cut, cut!

It's no use. No matter what I tried, nothing could tame the beast. Eri would come into the picture in some form of undress – total or otherwise – and reset my progress.

Back in real-life, she nudged me in the shoulder to get my attention.

"How long is it gonna take?" She almost sounded impatient. "Is it still, like, 'boing'?" To emphasize her point, she flicked out her index finger, straight and rigid.

"Y-Yeah. Sorry."

"Oh well, at this rate we might have to cut it off… Let me borrow a knife." She even pretended to get up, which raised alarm bells in my head and I grabbed her arm.

"H-Hey, don't joke around like that! …Wait."

"Hmm?"

I felt around underwater. "It's gone soft. It worked!" Amazing what a little fear could do.

She giggled. "So we don't need the knife?"

"…I'll be leaving now."

I got out of the bath and tiptoed around everyone else, not wishing to attract attention. Taking a quick glance at the other visitors as I went by, I saw women of various ages, just as Eri mentioned earlier. With so many of them, they could easily beat me to a pulp if they found out my true gender.

The door was creeping within reach. Just a little more and I can get changed and leave!

I was this close to grabbing the door handle…

…when suddenly a scream pierced the air, followed very quickly by a multitude of other screams. I froze in my tracks. Had I been found out?!

Turning around, I panicked when I saw the entire group of ladies jump out of the water and rush towards me. At first glance I thought I really was being attacked. But then they went right past me and through the door, and someone shouted:

"BEAR!"

When the women cleared out, I saw it. A large shadowy figure, looming at the edge of the bath. Taller than a man, and built of solid muscle. Its eyes glinted with hunger. Its fur was jet black, the colour of death.

The Grim Reaper had come… in the form of a bear.

I froze in place, unable to peel my feet from the floor. This was my cue to run and get the hell out of there, but the shock from seeing an actual bear in the flesh must have dulled my sense of self-preservation. Judging by the coloration of its fur – it was black with a white crescent moon-shaped pattern on its chest, I gathered it must be a black bear. These things are aggressive. If they approach you, they're not looking to say hi, or cuddle, or share funny stories.

It means they're hungry, and you look like lunch. I didn't want to be lunch (besides, it's almost dinnertime anyway).

But wait, Eri wasn't among the women who ran past me… Don't tell me she –

"Ahaha… n-nice bear… Are you, like, lost? O-Or something?"

That's her voice. Crud! She didn't manage to escape from the bear in time! She's still stuck behind that rock, with the bear giving her its full attention…

Dammit, she's in trouble! I've got to do something!

The bear had been standing on its hind legs; now it went down on all fours and slunk over to take a better look at the human rambling nonsense at it. Preoccupied with its prey, it didn't notice me as I tiptoed closer in order to see around the rock.

Sure enough, there she was. I could see that Eri was terrified out of her wits, but she tried to remain as calm as she could help it. Desperately trying to talk the bear out of eating her, she didn't budge a muscle. But judging by how interested it looked and how much closer it was inching towards her, something told me it wasn't going to change its mind anytime soon.

"I… I don't have a lot of m-meat on me, honest," she said. "The real meat is elsewhere, not here. I won't make a good meal for you. S-So can you turn around and go back where you came from?"

It didn't. Its snout was now obscenely close to her face and she tried to shrink away as it sniffed her all over. At that point she snapped and her facade of bravery collapsed like a house of cards.

"Oh god," she squeaked. "Help!"

That galvanized me into action. I picked up the nearest wooden bucket and tossed it at the bear. It bounced off of its side harmlessly and it didn't look too bothered by it. But at least now I'd gotten its attention. Eri gasped.

"Get away from her," I growled, picking up two more buckets, one in each hand. "I'm warning you! Get away from her right now!"

Seeing that the bear was distracted, Eri did the smart thing and inched away slowly until she had relocated herself at the farthest end of the bath. But the creature stood its ground and stared at me.

I didn't know what came over me. Maybe I was scared and desperate. Maybe it was my instincts kicking in. Or maybe I was so enraged that the bear was thinking of eating my girlfriend. But whatever the reason, I continued to scream at it like some deranged lunatic.

"Get lost, you big dumb creep!" I snarled. "Go away! You think I'm scared of you? Think I can't take you on? I can throw down with the best of them! I'm, like, the Muhammad Ali of Shibuya! Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! Woo! Yeah, you like bees, don't you, you dungheap? You like 'em when they sting your sorry hide?! HUH?! Then you better stay far away from this bee, 'cuz you're gonna regret it when I break my foot in your hairy butt!"

Naturally, the bear didn't understand Japanese and stood firm amidst all the verbal abuse I was hurling at it. All it probably knew was that I was loud and angry… but otherwise it did absolutely nothing. I began to wonder if I was even being effective here.

"What're you waiting for?!" I continued. "There's nothing to see here! Get out!"

I tossed a bucket in its direction, but failed to hit the bear. The bucket instead clattered on the floor right at its feet. If only my baseball pitching skills were still intact! Seeing no visible reaction, I prepared to throw the other bucket…

And then, miraculously, the bear just turned and walked away. If it really was here for food, it must have thought it wasn't worth the trouble. Not when there was a crazy shouting human in the way.

But as it was leaving, it glanced back at me and I swore it gave me a look that was like, "Pipe down, I get it. I'm leaving, okay? Stupid human…"

The relief that coursed through my every nerve overwhelmed me to the point where my legs gave way beneath me. I dropped to my knees but continued to watch the bear as it trudged back into the woods. Only when it was finally out of sight did I even dare to breathe and go over to check up on Eri. She was still sitting petrified in the bath with a deathly pallor on her face.

"Eri, you alright? It didn't hurt you, did it?"

"I-I'm fine," she said, nerves clearly rattled though she was rapidly calming down. "No, it didn't hurt me. Really gave me a scare when it started sniffing me though. Also, I… uh, peed myself a bit. No, scratch that, I think I emptied my entire bladder into the water."

"Doesn't matter. You're safe now, that's all I care about."

We embraced and she clutched onto me like she never wanted to let go. Thank goodness everything worked out fine!

"Thank you!" she sniffled. "Thank you so much, Neku. I'll never forget this!"

"Hey, don't mention it."

"You looked like a madman with all the yelling and stuff. But I also thought you were pretty badass." She wiped away her tears and managed a weak giggle.

"Well, heh, I guess I went overboard there…"

Slowly, gradually, we shared a laugh of shared joy. It's not often you get to save someone's life. Chalk another one for my coolness factor!

We officially had enough of baths for the day and the two of us, hand in hand, scurried back into the locker room. Almost everyone from earlier had fled and was nowhere to be seen. The only ones in the room were a handful of women too scared to have the sense to get changed and leave. When they saw us they immediately asked:

"Where's the bear? I-Is it gone?"

"Yeah," I said, "it went back into the woods. Everything should be alright now."

A middle-aged lady stepped forward. "We heard someone trying to drive it off. Was that you?"

Before I could answer, Eri who had been wiping herself dry with a spare towel spoke up proudly. "That's right! He – ahem, she was so cool! She really taught that bear a lesson!"

The women began to shower me with thanks and smiles of gratitude. An elderly lady clutched my hand and spoke warmly.

"You've done us all a whole lot of good, young'un. You should be proud of yourself."

"I didn't do much," I laughed, scratching the back of my head with my free hand. "All I did was shout."

Everyone laughed goodnaturedly… I gotta admit, it was a pretty neat feeling. Then the towel around my body had to ruin the party by unraveling and falling off.

"Waugh!"

Like lightning I caught the towel at my groin, just before I could be fully exposed. My secret was safe and Eri breathed a sigh of relief herself.

The old lady who was still holding my hand apparently was the scatterbrained type; when she saw my now-topless body, she found it fit to remark, of all things:

"Oh, don't you worry young'un, your breasts will grow in due time."

XOXOXOXOXO

Back in the safety of our room, I was left feeling a little peeved.

"My breasts will grow in due time, huh?" I mumbled. "So not only am I not much of a man, I'm not much of a woman as well? Somehow… that hurts my pride more than it should."

"Come on, she's old," reassured Eri, "She probably has poor eyesight and thought you were a girl with small boobs."

"Yeah, but after that? The other women started giving me tips on how to increase my bust size! Drink lots of milk! Massage them daily!"

"Mmm, yes, they were very good tips. I gotta start kneading these puppies from now on." And she gave her breasts a couple of light squeezes.

"Guess I need to start working out more. I have a long way to go."

"Hey, look at the bright side. You escaped from the bath with no one the wiser. It'd have been bad if you were found out."

"Yeah, I know. I'm more glad that you got out safely though."

She smiled warmly. "Heh, thanks again for that. You saved my bacon back there."

"Seriously though, are you okay now?"

"Of course!" Back to her old cherry self, there was no indication that she had ever been embroiled in a life-or-death situation. "I'm alive, you're alive, everyone's fine and dandy. Though if I had to say something…"

"What's that?"

"…You could say it was a… bear-y close call!"

Amidst her laughter, I groaned.

"I made it to safety," she continued. "Just bear-ly!"

More groaning on my part.

"Oh, come on," she sniggered. "What, can't bear a good joke?"

"My brain… it hurts…"

"Sorry, you'll have to grin and bear it!"

Between everything that happened today (and the terrible bear jokes), I was totally zonked. My eyelids were heavy and my muscles ached like the dickens. I wanted nothing more than to sleep so I could be ready for what the next day entailed.

Yeah, time to catch some z's…

"Come on, enough bear puns," I announced. "We've got a long day ahead of ourselves."

"Time to hibernate, then. Oh, before I forget…"

"Huh?"

"Stop me if you've heard this one before. So a bear walks into a bar – "

"Stop."

"Hee hee… alright, good night."

It didn't take long for me to doze off. With Eri's dial on bear jokes cranked up to maximum, it was a miracle I didn't even dream about them at all tonight.