Chapter 80
Sara's eyes went wide. "Tegan… are you okay… should I call somebody? Let me call Lindsey" said Sara sounding scared. "No… don't... I just need to…" said Tegan softly sounding confused with her hand in her shaggy hair. She started playing another classical piece and stopped abruptly… "no… no… this isn't working…no… it's got to be… Bach... yes" she mumbled. She started on Bach again. "Tegan stop" said Sara. Tegan stopped and looked up in anger "Just give me some space please!" said Tegan and held her hand out. "Go Sara" she said. "I'm not leaving you…. not in your state… keep playing if you must but I'm not going anywhere" said Sara. Tegan just closed her eyes again. "It's only there when I play this… then it goes again…." she said and her shoulders slumped. "Let me help you Tegan… Talk to me while you're playing… tell me what happened. Maybe if you verbalise it, it will stick." said Sara. "But I want you to just open your eyes first. Look at me…. Look at me Tegan!" said Sara loudly with her sister's face in her hands. Tegan opened her eyes and looked into Sara's. "You're okay…. everything is fine. Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Sara. Tegan nodded "I want you to take some nice deep breaths first…. just relax Tegan. I've got you. Take a sip of water for me" said Sara and offered Tegan a bottle with icy water. Tegan took it with a shaky hand and sipped some of it slowly. "Let's do it" she said softly.
She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and started playing. After a few seconds she spoke. "I'm flying through a field…. it's beautiful… It's incredible, like nothing I've ever seen... I remember thinking that there's no pain… I'm free…. nothing hurts…. and then I'm sitting next to a beautiful lake… under a tree…. I'm happy…. Then…. Corey's there?…" said Tegan, her body swaying slightly as she played. Sara looked astounded byt didn't comment. Tegan kept playing with her eyes closed. She continued telling Sara what she remembered about that day. How Corey told her she needed to choose. How she wanted to stay… how she was desperate to be rid of pain. She didn't want to fight anymore… she couldn't…. How she heard Sara scream… and Lindsey wail…. Sara saw tears running down Tegan's face as she continued playing and recounting her memories. Visions of that day flooded Sara's mind and she wiped her eyes. It was the worst day of her life, something she hoped she would never have to relive but she listened patiently to Tegan, wanting to be there for her. "I heard Lindsey… I heard her tell me that our baby needs her mommy… she shouted for me to fight… and that's when I decided to… try…. I fought with everything in me…. I remember being sucked back… I was… hovering… above my hospital bed…. Lindsey was on the floor in Erin's arms. She was shaking…. screaming… oh God… this is too much…. I can't... I can't" said Tegan and stopped playing abruptly. She leaned forward onto the piano again and put her head back in her hands. She sat like that for a minute "I opened Pandora's box... because I remember the rest now… I remember seeing Kate pumping on my chest… I looked… blue… I looked dead…. So many people... so many tubes and machines... I… I tried to will myself back into my body and …. I couldn't… You weren't there…." said Tegan with a question in her voice. "I was earlier… they forced me outside and they sedated me because I was losing my shit" said Sara. "It's weird but... I wasn't afraid of dying Sar… I wanted to die… dying felt like my only escape but I was petrified of leaving you all… I was desperate to come back" said Tegan and let out a whimper. She got up and looked out of the window. "Kate... She crapped all over Karev for not doing what she told him... Then she stuck a massive fucking needle in my chest… and then she did CPR again… I remember her words… She said Come on Tegan… this is the one… Come back to us…. She put those... shock things... on my chest… she yelled Clear… Something hurt and then it went black… that's... yeah that's it" said Tegan and turned around. She was pale and looked nauseous. Sara walked to her and put her arms around her sister's body that slowly started shaking as she started to break down. "And then you came back to us… you came back" she said softly and rubbed Tegan's back.
Tegan pulled away, "Oh God… I can't … I keep hearing your screams" she said looking upset with her hands over her ears. She paced up and down with eyes wide. "It's okay Tegan… it's okay…. just calm down… everybody's fine" said Sara and put her arms back around Tegan's body. She held her as tight as she could. Sara heard a knock on the door "Just give us a minute" she said loudly as Lindsey opened the door. Her face fell and she rushed to Tegan's side. "Baby… what's wrong… Tegan… sweetie…." she said, fear rising in her voice. Tegan threw her arms around Lindsey's neck. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry" she started crying. "What's going on Tee… why are you sorry?" she asked softly looking into Tegan's eyes. "For putting you through all that pain…" she said softly. "What? Where's this coming from?" said Lindsey confused. Tegan didn't speak but started sobbing and clinging to Lindsey. She was out of breath pretty fast and was panting, trying to control her emotions. Tegan felt her throat and her eyes burn as her body continued shaking with emotion. She felt somebody lead her back to the piano stool to sit down. She was starting to struggle to breathe, her lungs were burning. Kate was next to her a minute later. "Tegan… just relax, calm down and take nice deep breaths for me… come on in and out… there we go…." she said. "I'm okay" said Tegan. She felt Kate pull her chin up and put something in her mouth "Okay... Deep breath on three" said Kate calmly. She breathed in on three and a rush of medicine entered her airways after Kate pressed the puffer. She felt her lungs open up appreciatively. "Another one on three" said Kate. Tegan did as instructed. She felt shaky, she put her head on her arms forearms on the piano. The unorganized sounds escaping reflected her emotions. Her head was spinning and she felt hands lift her body off the piano stool and carry her to the couch. A prick in her upper arm… darkness…
"Dammit Kate... Was that really necessary?" Sara screamed. Kate didn't reply and checked Tegan's BP. "Kate! Answer me!" Sara continued like a lunatic. "Sara can you shut up and give me a minute!" said Kate loudly as she yanked her stethoscope out of her ears. Lindsey looked spooked as she stroke Tegan's hair. "What happened?" she asked confused. "She... she just had some weird memories from the hospital" said Sara. "What... what memories?" said Erin. "She's fine... she was just a bit emotional... certainly didn't need to be fucking sedated!" screamed Sara looking at Kate. "You're not her doctor Sara! I will do what I feel is best for her. Can you please just let me do my job and stop interfering!" said Kate very loudly sounding annoyed. "Whatever..." said Sara. "Oh great comeback Sar" said Kate and continued checking Tegan. "Can you two stop please... just stop" said Lindsey. Everybody stayed quiet, Sara had her teeth and fists clenched together and her arms folded. She breathed through her nose and her nostrils flared in anger. "Linds... she's fine... but I needed to sedate her because her airways were starting to close as a result of her being so upset and I'm not willing to take any chances with her... I'm just not! I would rather be safe than sorry. She's gonna wake up in half an hour and be just fine, physically at least. Should I ask Arizona to come over?" asked Kate. "She's fine... she doesn't need a fucking shrink. Can we all just give her some space!" said Sara protectively. "Here we go again" said Lindsey annoyed. "Every time... just when she's doing well something happens... When will this fucking nightmare be over" mumbled Sara and sat down on one of the chairs. "Chill Sara... she's fine" said Kate. Sara seemed to be calming down. "This freaked her out" said Sara shaking her head. "She was playing piano, nothing weird. But I guess it triggered something because she suddenly remembered... dying?" said Sara and looked confused. "She recounted it all in detail guys... everything. And she knew things that she shouldn't have. Stuff that happened during the resusitation... Kate's exact words. It's fucking weird! I don't know if it's really what happened because... well somebody sedated me unnecessarily" said Sara, her voice grew louder for the last three words. She looked up at Kate accusingly. "Well fuck, it wasn't me!" said Kate defensively. Lindsey looked at them both and shook her head.
"I need some air" said Sara and walked outside. Kate followed her "Sara... are you okay?" she said. "Yes thank you doctor" said Sara sarcastically. "Why do you give me so much shit Sara!" said Kate. "I'm not... I just didn't want you to sedate her... she was okay" said Sara. "She still is... Sara I understand that you're protective of Tegan... now even more than ever but please... let me do my job. It's my job to take care of her physically." said Kate softly. "And it's mine to take care of her emotionally... I always have... it's hard to step away." said Sara. "I know... It's okay" said Kate. "I'm sorry Kate... thank you, I'm glad you're here" said Sara looking down. "No problem" said Kate and turned back to the house. Kate stopped in the door and turned around. Sara was facing the other way. Her shoulders slumped. Kate took a deep breath and walked back. "Come on Sara... she's going to be asking for you when she wakes up" said Kate softly and took Sara's hand. Emy walked out of the house and looked at Sara holding Kate's hand. "What's going on Sara?" she asked. Sara let go of Kate's hand and walked to Emy. "There's been... Tegan's just had a bit of an emotional... um... episode. Everything's fine though" she smiled. Emy looked slightly suspicious but pulled Sara closer and kissed her on the lips passionately as if to send a silent message to Kate. Kate turned around and rolled her eyes.
Tegan was still out like a light on the music room couch when Sara and Emy entered. "I'm sure she wouldn't want you all to stare at her while she's sleeping" said Sara sounding pissed. "Sara... Knock it off" said Kate annoyed. "Don't start with me" said Sara seriously. "Get over yourself" said Kate and shook her head. Tegan opened her eyes. Nobody was looking at her – they were all looking at Kate and Sara fighting. It all sounded pretty childish. Tegan knew exactly where she was, she remembered what happened. She felt calm again. She wondered if she should just close her eyes again and pretend to sleep or let them know she's awake and answer a million questions. She closed her eyes for a few seconds. She opened them again unable to resist a comment, "Can you two give it a break?" she blurted out. Everybody's heads turned to her. "Baby... you're awake" said Lindsey. "Uh huh" said Tegan but stayed in the same position lying down. "Are you okay sweetie?" asked Lindsey. "Yeah... all good" said Tegan. Kate put the BP cuff around her arm and Tegan felt the familiar tightening around her bicep. "Everything including BP looks fine. Slightly low but normal" smiled Kate. "I told you so" said Sara unable to resist picking another fight. Kate froze, clearly trying to calm herself down. "Sara... come with me" said Emy and led her out of the room. "Do you want to talk about it Boo?" said Lindsey looking into Tegan's eyes. "No, no... I really don't... maybe later but please... right now I really don't" said Tegan. "Okay... whatever you're comfortable with sweetie. I'm here when you're ready" smiled Lindsey. Tegan smiled and put her hand up to touch Lindsey's face. Lindsey leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "Let's get you a cup of tea and some lunch" she smiled.
"What's up with you Sara!" said Emy as they got outside. Sara couldn't help but feel frustrated and annoyed. "I really don't need you pulling me out of the room like a child Emy!" said Sara annoyed. "Well... when you behave like one!" said Emy. "I'm just frustrated, and annoyed and... I don't know..." said Sara. "One moment you're holding Kate's hand and you look like best buds and then you're shouting at each other... I don't understand... help me understand Sara..." said Emy.
A/N: I've created a poll about the Sara/ Emy/ Kate situation. You can dind it at the top of my profile page u/5241938/#. Vote, just for fun. I've also created a forum (on FF) but I can't figure out how it works. Maybe someone can enlighten me?
Review please!