Are we strapped in for another instalment?

Recap: Buffy faced her attacker but he admitted that he had drugged her with something. Buffy felt the effects and did try to get away and hide but her attacker found her. Buffy was too weak to fight back because of the drugs and she was raped. She woke up in hospital confused and not really knowing what happened to her.

Thank you for reading the previous chapter and coming back to carry on reading, I hope everyone is doing ok with the events from the previous chapter. It is going to be spoken about pretty much in every chapter now until the end of the story...

Just FYI; I know in the show we see and hear about Buffy's diary but in this instance, we are going to pretend she has never owned a diary before.

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its original characters do not belong to me

Built Up Walls: Chapter 5: Unwritten

Buffy
Dear Diary...

Isn't that how it's supposed to go?

I don't know, I've never written a diary before.

I know it's crazy considering everything I've been through and everything I have faced but I just never seemed understand the point of writing in a diary and if I'm honest, I don't understand what the point is of me writing in one now.

My mom brought it with her when she came to see me earlier. She said it might help me deal with 'things'. She can't even say the word. I know she wants me to open up but I don't think she wants me to open up to her, I think she is afraid of what she might hear and I don't blame her. I'm sure if I was in her situation I wouldn't want to hear about it either, knowing the facts can sometimes be worse than what you imagined.

Everything came back to me when I was sleeping last night. It was like I was there watching it all happen and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it, the nurses woke me up because my heart rate was going crazy and they were worried I was about to put myself into a coma. I remember every little detail of what happened to me and I remember every little detail about the sicko that did it to me too. I promised him that I was going to kill him and the last face he saw before he died would be mine, I hope he is watching over his shoulder because I am going to be coming for him. I don't care if Slayers are not supposed to kill humans, this 'human' is an exception and he deserves nothing less than death.

The police came here first thing this morning wanted a statement from me. Apparently, I'm not the first 'victim' of this asshole, I'm the fourth. I thought the police put out warnings when there is a serial rapist on the loose but according to them, they didn't want to cause panic and they thought they were close enough to catching him to avoid media frenzy. They lied when they said they were closing in on him, I asked him what his name was but they told me it was 'classified' but really they just don't know. I think all they know about this guy is he drugs lonely women's drinks, follows them when they leave and then rapes them when they're out cold.

All of this and I was 'assured' by the police that I wouldn't be named as a victim and they are doing 'everything they can' to get him. To be honest it didn't fill me with comfort, this guy has done this to three other girls and it doesn't seem like they are any closer to him then they were with his first victim. The police should stop wasting their time anyway because as soon as I'm allowed out of this hospital I'm going hunting and I'm going to kill him, all the police will need to do is come and collect the remains to be destroyed.

Willow is just as bad. She and Xander are looking for him too, along with Giles of course. According to Giles you can't trust the police and the legal system to give this guy what he deserves so we need to take care of it ourselves. I don't want them in danger, especially Willow, if he catches her on her own and drugs her... I don't even want to think about it. Just knowing he's out there with God knows what drugs and the amount of them, he can come after anyone he likes. I have told them to leave it to me but they think I need help, believe me the only one who is going to need help is him. He is going to seriously regret the moment he decided to choose me as his victim.

I guess that's all I am now; a victim. Willow, Xander and Giles could barely look at me when they were here. For the rest of my life I am just going to be the girl who was raped by the Sunnydale Serial Rapist, to them anyway and my mother. I can see it when the four of them look at me. They feel sorry for me and recognised me as damaged, they walk on eggshells not knowing what to say or do and when I do catch them looking at me they look at me like I'm a sick puppy.

I don't want that, I don't want to be that, I refuse to be that. I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer... not a victim. I kill demons and vampires, yet somehow I couldn't fight off this one human when my life really depended on it.

Is this what my mom wants me to write in here?

I closed the diary, chucking it on the chair beside the bed and threw the pen to the other side of the room. I'm not going to do this to myself, I'm not going to sit here and write about how he has made me feel, it's not going to help me and it's not going to change anything. I don't know what they all want from me. Do they want me to sit here and feel sorry for myself? Do they want me to write in my diary what happened and what I'm feeling so that I don't have to talk to them about it?

Throwing my blanket off me I got out of the bed and walked into the attached bathroom, I stood with my hands on the sink and looked at my face. You could see the faint red hand marks around my neck and the cut on my cheek from where I was hit a couple of times. According to the nurse I also have bruising on my thighs and hips but I haven't brought myself to look at them yet, I don't know why, they can't look worse then what I imagine they do.

After my mom left I was given a rape kit and had all of my injuries photographed. It was humiliating but I understood the reasoning for it. All of my clothes were taken away for forensic examination and samples of my saliva and hair were taken as well as a swab of my lady parts to 'catch evidence'. The doctor then started talking to me about contraception and sexually transmitted diseases... I had never even thought about all of that until she brought it up, I was given the morning after pill and had blood taken to be examined to determine if I had caught anything. I was told that the previous victims all came back clear which was something but it doesn't make it any less scary.

I punched the mirror and went back to the bed, the door opened and I turned around ready to punch someone but just saw the nurse.

"I heard glass smashing, is everything ok?" She asked me kindly.

"The mirror in the bathroom is broken," I stated as I climbed into the bed.

"I'll get it replaced;" She replied "Is there anything I can get you? Anyone I can call for you?" She asked.

"No," I stated as I pulled the blanket up to my neck to cover my whole body.

"Ok, well if you do need anything, I'm right outside at the nurse station." I nodded and she left the room, closing the door softly behind her.

I reached over to the chair and picked up the diary and opened the page, I grabbed the spare pen on the bedside table and started to write...

Dear... whatever you are,

Is it normal to feel so many different things at once? I feel angry, hurt, betrayed, vengeful, scared, worried, restless and stupid. I was supposed to be The Slayer, people look up to me for protection but I'm obviously not as strong as I think I am. I don't know how to feel better without killing myself or him but I don't even know where he is and I'm not allowed to leave the hospital yet. I don't like knowing that he is out there probably preying on another girl or stocking up on drugs for his next victim. I need to do something but I feel stuck and useless which is something I'm not used to.

There is one person who would know what to do. There is one person who would know what I needed right now but he's not here and I don't think I am ever going to see him again. I don't even have a forwarding address or telephone number for him; he could be halfway around the world right now. I wish he was here right now.

It's stupid of me to think about him at a time like this. He should be the last thing on my mind right now but I know he would make this all better or at least try to. He would be able to look at me and talk to me unlike everyone else. He understands me better than anyone else in the world, he knows what I would need and he would help.

The door opened so I stopped writing and I saw Willow standing in the doorway with a small bag in her hand.

"Buffy, you're crying," She pointed out and handed me a tissue.

I hadn't even realised that I was crying.

"What are you doing here Willow?" I asked, trying not to sound too harsh with her.

"I brought you some of your own clothes to change into. I thought if you have to stay here overnight you might feel more comfortable in your own pyjamas," She told me.

"Thank you... I appreciate it," I replied and I meant it.

Maybe I've been too hard on her.

"It's not a problem," She said and sat down in the chair beside my bed "I won't ask how you are," I looked at her and smiled in thanks "I will ask if there's anything you need though," She added.

"Just one thing but I don't know where it is, probably half way across the world by now," I said quietly.

"Angel," Willow guessed.

"I wish he was here Will, he'd know what to do and he makes me feel safe. I miss being in his arms and being with him," I started crying again "Why did he leave me?" I asked her.

"Oh Buffy," Willow climbed onto the bed beside me and wrapped her arm around me as I cried "You know that he loves you and he was just doing what he thought was best to protect you. I promise you that he is worried about you and thinking about you all the time. If he knew what happened, he would come back immediately," She told me.

"He's never coming back." I replied through my tears.

We know something you don't know Buffy... Willow has a way to contact him! So knowing that Buffy wants Angel, will Willow call him and tell him? Will she give the number to Buffy? Will she destroy the number completely? What is the best course of action here?

Thank you for reading. I hope you have enjoyed this chapter and it has given you some insight to what Buffy is thinking and feeling at the moment.

As always; please follow, favourite and review!

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