Chapter 105
Tegan was staring out of the window playing with her wedding ring waiting for the plane to take off. Lindsey put her hand on Tegan's knee. "Penny for your thoughts?" she said. Tegan smiled. "On the one hand I don't want this amazing holiday to end but I really can't wait to get on with the rest of our lives. I don't know why but it was so hard saying goodbye to my parents today... I guess I'm not their little girl anymore" said Tegan looking out of the window. "You'll always be their little girl Tee. It's been an amazing couple of weeks huh" said Lindsey. Tegan turned her head and looked at Lindsey. She smiled "Yeah... It has. Now... back to reality... but I'm looking forward to seeing how much our babies have grown!" said Tegan. "And I'm looking forward to finding a new home. We have work to do!" said Lindsey. "Yes! I do love that pool house but it's time. We need to be settled in before the babies come" said Tegan putting her hand over Lindsey's. "That's if Kate allows it..." sighed Lindsey. Tegan nodded absentmindedly and flexed her hand open and closed slowly. It was throbbing and her head didn't feel much better. "How's your hand boo?" asked Lindsey. "Okay I guess... It hurts and the stitches just feel kind of tight" said Tegan. "Oh my poor baby... Are you tired?" asked Lindsey. Tegan closed her eyes. "Yeah" she said softly. "Well you had lots of energy in bed last night" joked Lindsey and kissed Tegan's cheek. "You exhausted me you little hottie" smiled Tegan weakly. "No I think three days of wedding celebrations exhausted you. Heck it exhausted all of us. Ha... we need a holiday after this holiday" said Lindsey looking at Sara who was already asleep, her head on Kate's shoulder with her mouth hanging open. The book in her lap was unopened. Everybody else was either sleeping, reading or watching a movie. "I think I have the post-production blues" said Tegan softly, she closed her eyes again and put her head back. Lindsey looked at Tegan's pale face and cocked her head. Tegan's breathing was quite shallow and fast. Lindsey felt her own pulse quicken from a rush of adrenaline. The plane started moving. "Deep breaths Tee" said Lindsey softly squeezing Tegan's hand. "Uh huh" breathed Tegan. Tegan felt her body being pushed back against the seat as the plane took off. All the emotion of the last few days hit her at once. Her bottom lip and chin started quivering. "What's wrong boo?" said Lindsey softly. Tegan bit her bottom lip and turned her head to look out of the window. "Tegan?" said Lindsey softly and squeezed her thigh. Tegan looked down, still trying to stop her tears. She felt her airways slowly constrict. She put her fingers over her eyes. "Um... I don't know" said Tegan. "What do you mean?" said Lindsey softly. "I just felt... overwhelmed suddenly... I don't know why... I just have this massive knot in my stomach" said Tegan breathing fast. She pulled out her inhaler and put it to her lips. She took two deep puffs with a shaky hand and sat forward with her head in her hands. Lindsey rubbed Tegan's back in circular motions. "Everything's alright baby... just take nice deep breaths" she whispered. The air hostess asked what they wanted to drink. "Some tea will be great thanks, for both of us" said Lindsey. Tegan was quiet and kept staring out of the window. She took a sip of her tea. "Linds... I'm... I'm scared suddenly" whispered Tegan. "Scared? Sweetie? Why are you scared?" said Lindsey turning to Tegan. "I don't know... the unknown... Everything that's suddenly a reality... the real world, away from this idyllic island... I'm worried... I worry about the future... I worry about my career... I worry about Sara and Erin facing that psycho in court... I worry about you... I worry about the births... I worry about whether or not I will raise these kids right... if I'm ready to be a mom... I worry about performing again... getting on that stage again... I worry about securing a financial future for my family... I worry about making you happy and being a good wife... I worry about my health... I worry that I'll never be the same again... physically and emotionally... I worry about disappointing you... This is the first time in a long I've allowed myself to think about these things..." said Tegan clearly emotional. "Oh baby... come here" said Lindsey pulling Tegan closer. "You can never disappoint me... you're amazing and I promise... everything is going to work out fine my love" She felt Tegan's body shake under her hands. "Shhhh... just relax my angel. I'm here for you" said Lindsey. She pushed the arm rest up, reclined Tegan's seat and put her leg rest up, she did the same to her own and moved closer to Tegan holding her tight. She pulled her closer. "I love you sweetie... whatever happens. We're in this together" she whispered and wiped Tegan's tears away softly. Tegan didn't understand where all of this was coming from suddenly and she tried to steady her breathing and calm down for Lindsey's sake. She fell asleep half an hour later between sniffs. Lindsey could hear her heartbeat under her ear. It was fast but regular. She felt Tegan's diaphragm contract in a sob every now and then. Kate walked past them, stopped and looked at Tegan taking shallow and irregular breaths. Lindsey looked up. "She okay?" said Kate softly. "I don't know. She was upset earlier... it was strange... just suddenly upset about everything. Out of the blue... She was... scared..." mumbled Lindsey. Kate put her hand on Tegan's forehead. She immediately took her bag out of one of the cupboards. "What triggered it?" asked Kate frowning. "I don't know... we were talking about the babies... and house hunting... stuff that she should be excited about" said Lindsey softly not to wake Tegan. Kate bent over Tegan and put the pulse ox meter on her finger. She looked at the result and wordlessly pulled out some oxygen and inserted a nasal cannula in Tegan's nose. She covered her up to her chin with a blanket. "Just let her get some rest Linds... she's okay. This stale airplane air is enough to make anyone emotional" said Kate but Lindsey saw concern in her face. She didn't like it. "Kate why are you looking so worried?" asked Lindsey. "Her oxygen levels are a bit low but we know that happens when she gets emotional. She's had an exhilarating few weeks, she's been running on adrenaline! And now... well that adrenaline has run out and it's slapping her back to earth. It's pretty normal for her to be having these feelings... back to reality... 'will I be able to cope' thoughts. Life probably seems overwhelming suddenly" said Kate. "Oh my god those were Tegan's exact words!" said Lindsey. "She said she suddenly felt... overwhelmed" said Lindsey. "I'm glad she's talking to you about it. It happens sometimes when somebody's been seriously ill for a while. When they've been pretty much completely reliant on others. It's normal... but it's horrible... because it affects her physically as well as emotionally. But... we can deal with this... I want her to know that she can handle this... that she's been handling it for a while now and she's doing so fantastically well. But I need you to talk to her about seeing a therapist Lindsey" said Kate. "I have! She says she's fine and she's got me to talk to. She just dismisses the notion completely" said Lindsey. "I'm happy she does have you, but she needs to speak to a professional. This thing... I think it traumatised her more than she would like to admit... more than we could ever know. Trauma that hit all the way to cellular level. I'm willing to say that her getting professional psychological help right now is as important as getting physical help. I'll speak to her too but you need to help me convince her Linds" said Kate. "Of course... anything to get her better" said Lindsey looking spooked.
Tegan woke up a few hours later and felt the oxygen line in her nostrils, she yanked it out annoyed. Lindsey opened her eyes and sat up. "Sweetie just relax, let's put this back" she said. "No... I don't need this dammit" said Tegan sounding angry and agitated. Kate got up after hearing the commotion. "Tegan... calm down" she said. "Don't tell me to calm down" said Tegan becoming teary again. "Hey heeeey... it's just a bit of oxygen okay... your pulse ox was a little low so we're just helping you out a bit... everything's okay" said Kate calmly. Tegan lifted her hand and looked at the reading on the blinking pulse ox meter. "There... 97... it's fine again" she said. Kate took Tegan's hand and pointed at the numbers. "Yeah, after the oxygen. Your pulse is sky high I need you to calm down" she said softly. Tegan couldn't keep it in a second longer and burst out in tears. She hid her face in her hands as the sobs overcame her. "Shhh Tee, it's okay" whispered Lindsey holding her. Kate opened her bag and pulled out a syringe and drew some meds into it. She tapped it and was ready to plunge it into Tegan's arm to calm her down. Sara got up looking groggy. She took Kate's hand "Hang on... please... can I have a moment alone with her guys" said Sara looking at Tegan sobbing with her face still in her hands and her legs pulled up to her chest. "Make it quick" said Kate. She pulled a reluctant Lindsey up and led her away.
Sara sat down next to Tegan. "Tegan... I'm here" she said and put her hand on Tegan's knee. Tegan pulled out her inhaler for another puff. She breathed deep and opened her eyes. "Sara... I'm so scared" she whispered. "That's okay Tee... I'm scared too" said Sara and put her hand on Tegan's back. "I know... I know it's scary... but look at you Tee... you've come so far. I'm so fucking proud of you my heart hurts! It's okay to be scared and to feel overwhelmed, you don't always have to be the strong one... You and I... we like to have control over things... and I know this, your health... the birth of your babies... the future of our band... it scares the shit out of you. Not being in control. But sometimes... you just have to take it one step at a time and trust that the road will reveal itself in front of you. Trust that the next stepping stone will be there. Trust that everything will be okay... And if it's not... well then we'll be catching you and putting you right back on another stone. We won't let you fall Tegan... I promise... we will not let you fall" said Sara and rubbed Tegan's back. Tegan just stifled some sobs. "This is life Tee. It's full of uncertainties... and it's full of challenges but that's what makes it so exhilirating... so beautiful" said Sara softly. Tegan nodded and wiped her tears with the sleeve of her hoodie. "You're not alone Tegan... we're all here for you" said Sara. "I think it's good that you're finally crying... because it means that you're finally dealing with things" she said. "God I'm such a baby... I'm sorry" whispered Tegan. "Don't be sorry. I'm scared too Tegan... I'm scared all the time... Courage is not the absence of fear... it's the overcoming of it. And you're so brave... so so brave" said Sara softly. Tegan pulled her into her arms. Sara felt hot tears run over her cheeks. She could feel Tegan's anxiety and emotions being transferred to her. "Remember what you told me not so long ago Tee... one day at a time" she said. After a minute of holding Sara Tegan started to feel calmer. She allowed her sobs to subside and her breathing to normalise in Sara's arms for another few minutes. "I've got you Teetee" said Sara. She finally broke her hold on Sara and smiled. "Thank you Sasa... you always know how to talk me down" she said. "I watched a documentary on twins the other day... and they showed these two premies... Come to think about it that may have been where some of this anxiety started... Anyway... one was doing okay but the other one was really, really sick and struggling... They had them in separate incubators and the one was just deteriorating all the time and they didn't think she was gonna make it. Then they put them next to each other in the same incubator and the healthier baby... she put her arm around sister and held her... snuggling up to her... kind of reenacting the womb... and within an hour the sick baby's heart rate and BP and breathing all normalised. It was one of the most touching things I've ever seen. I guess... what I'm trying to say is... Thank you for reenacting the womb for me every now and again. And every time we're on stage and we hit that sweet spot... when we're so in tune with each other, when it feels as if it's just you and me in a cocoon... I get that same feeling and I don't want that to end" smiled Tegan and sniffed. Sara smiled "I know exactly what you mean. And I know that we're going to get to keep experiencing that show after show after show. And if we don't, well then you've always got this... whenever you need it" said Sara with her arms open. She held Tegan again for a minute or two before breaking the hug to hand Tegan a tissue. Tegan blew her nose and looked at the pulse ox still on her finger. Her pulse ox was down to the mid 80s again after her emotional outburst. "Shit..." she mumbled. "Let Kate help you Tegan. She's not doing this because she gets a kick out of it" said Sara. Tegan nodded. "You feel a bit better now?" she asked. "Yeah... thank you Sara" said Tegan. "No... thank you. You cry whenever you want to okay... but please don't push help away Tegan" said Sara. "Okay" mumbled Tegan. Sara waved Kate over. "Tegan's ready for that O2 now" she said touching Kate's hand. "Thank you" mouthed Lindsey to Sara. Kate smiled at Sara, she was in awe of how Sara could calm down her sister in any situation. "Okay Tegan, we've got a few hours left of this flight. Just relax and allow the O2 to work. You're safe. Everything's okay" said Kate softly. Tegan just closed her eyes and didn't resist. She took Lindsey's hand and squeezed it. "Can I at least have lunch?" she asked. "Absolutely!" smiled Kate.
Tegan was okay but she was feeling emotionally fragile when they got home. She was running pretty low on energy and didn't talk much for the rest of the day. She was in bed early and had a rough night filled with nightmares. Lindsey had to calm her down a few times and she woke up still tired. Lindsey had a shoot that day. The first one since Tegan got sick. She was excited but she dreaded leaving Tegan alone for the day. "I think I'm just going to cancel babe" said Lindsey as they were having coffee on the veranda. "No! Why would you want to do that" said Tegan surprised. "This is a major opportunity Linds. This is not just some Indie band... This is Coldplay for the cover of Rolling Stone. There's no way you're cancelling. Pretty soon you'll have two newborns and you won't have any time for shoots for a while. Well except baby shoots... I want you to do this. I know it means a lot to you. You've put your career on hold for me long enough" said Tegan. "It just feels weird not being with you for two days..." said Lindsey. "Babe, I'm fine. Erin and I are going out for lunch anyway and Sara and I want to rehearse tomorrow" said Tegan. "Or... I can come with you if you want" said Tegan. "No, that won't work. I'll be preoccupied with my lovely wife I won't be able to get a single shot" joked Lindsey. "Okay... you're doing it?" asked Tegan. "Yeah... I'm doing it. But I'll miss you and think of you every second" said Lindsey kissing Tegan. "Well you better get going! You don't want to be late" said Tegan pulling Lindsey up. "Baby... are you going to call that therapist like we talked about last night?" asked Lindsey tentatively. Tegan sighed, "Yes... if that's what you want me to do I'll do it" she said. "I want YOU to WANT to do it Tee" said Lindsey. "I want to Linds... I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous about it but I need to do it" said Tegan. She pulled Lindsey into another kiss. "I love you wifey" she said. "Good luck for today. You're going to blow them away. Call me when you get a chance" said Tegan. "I love you too. Take care of yourself today Tee" said Lindsey.
Kate and Sara were lying in bed sipping their early morning coffee. "So... I guess I'm going to have to move back home soon" said Kate. "Ahhh... I don't want you to" said Sara and kissed Kate. "They're going to start charing me rent and I can't afford this place" joked Kate. "Have you.. given any thought as to when... I mean... are you going back to Montreal?" asked Kate, her voice breaking. The thought of Sara living in another city broke her heart. "Um... I don't know... I guess I have to at some stage. I don't want to leave Tegan yet, I mean, we have a lot of rehearsing to do and then... the babies will be here and well... I was thinking of staying a while. Maybe move into the apartment... I'm paying for it anyway" said Sara. "Sar... I... I don't want you to go... I want you... I want you to... Sar what I'm thinking... um" Kate stumbled over her words. "Just spit it out Kate" said Sara sitting up. "Sara... I don't know how you feel... but I'm one hundred percent, completely in love with you. I want you around all the time. I can't stand the thought of you being on the other side of the continent. I guess what I'm saying is... and please... there's no pressure but... I want you to move in with me... I don't know if we're moving too fast but..." Kate got cut off by Sara jumping on her, she pulled her into a kiss straddling her hips. "Yes... I would love to move in with you... I thought you'd never ask" laughed Sara.
A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys! Keep 'em coming!