Chapter 106
Tegan was busy making Lindsey breakfast when she came into the kitchen. "Should I pack you lunch or something? That's what stay at home wives do don't they?" laughed Tegan. "You... are sweet... but I'm sure they'll supply lunch" winked Lindsey and kissed Tegan before grabbing her bowl of muesli and yogurt. "Eat up... you need to pick up weight for our babies" said Tegan with her hands on Lindsey's shoulders and kissed her hair. "You smell really good" she said and kissed her cheek. "You... are going to make me late lover" said Lindsey getting up and grabbing her jacket, her equipment was already in the car. "Babe, could you please confirm our appointment with Dr Montgomery on Friday" said Lindsey. "Sure... take it easy today Linds... please" said Tegan with her hands around Lindsey's neck. "I will Tee... Your wife and kids are fine. I've got two assistants today helping me with equipment. I won't have to lift a thing. I promise. Get some rest today. Love you!" she said and kissed Tegan before rushing out the door. "Love you too... Good luck... Bye..." said Tegan after Lindsey, each word going softer.
Tegan sat down on the couch. The house was quiet. It felt weird to be alone. She switched on the TV just to break the silence. She lay down on her side and channel hopped for a few minutes. She got to an entertainment news segment and stopped when she saw her own face on screen. "... got married this weekend in Hawaii. The wedding was confirmed on the band's social media pages. The wedding was attended by..." Tegan switched the TV off and stared blankly in front of her for a few minutes. Something on the coffee table in front of her caught her eye. It was the journal her friends and family wrote in during her hospital stay. Tegan sat up and took the journal in her hands. She stared at it and put it back down breathing in deep. She swallowed hard and was startled by her phone ringing next to her. "Hey E" she said after answering. "Hey buddy, how are you feeling today?" asked Erin. "I'm okay... you?" asked Tegan. "Great, are we still on for lunch? I have a doctor's appointment this morning but I can come pick you up and drop Alex off around one?" she said. "Sounds good" said Tegan. "Is Sara around?" asked Tegan. "No, she left with Kate. They said something about going to Kate's place for some reason" said Erin. "Oh... okay" said Tegan. "Should I call her for you Tee, do you need her or Kate? Are you okay?" asked Erin. "No... I was just wondering" said Tegan. "You home alone? Do you want me to stay with you Tee? I can move my appointment" said Erin. "No Erin, I don't need a babysitter thanks" said Tegan annoyed. "Sorry! Jeez just relax" said Erin. "I'm sorry I'm just a bit crabby today. I'll see you later" said Tegan. She was hoping for somebody to be around this morning. She didn't want to be alone with the thoughts she had the previous day. She got up and opened the fridge and stared into it blankly. It wasn't even 8 o'clock yet and she had no idea what to do with her morning. She picked up her guitar but after playing one song her hand started throbbing. She let go of that idea soon and plonked back down on the couch. She looked at the journal again and picked it up. She ran her fingers over the leather cover and inhaled deeply. "Okay... let's do this" she said softly and opened the first page.
Tegan could recognise the various handwritings easily. "Dear Tegan. I don't know where to start. I love you. Please be okay. You were admitted to intensive care yesterday. You're really sick. My heart was beating out of my chest as I saw you trying to keep standing on stage. I was so scared." - Sara. "I felt as if my heart was being ripped out when I saw you hit the ground. I was shaking holding your hand." - Lindsey. Tegan sighed and continued reading. Specific sentences hit her harder than others. "You look so fragile... broken. Please open your eyes Tee. You have so many tubes going into you. Your fever spiked again. Stay cool and hang in there friendo" - Erin. "You had a seizure. Your heart stopped beating and I thought that mine would too as I watched Kate pumping on your chest, I've never experienced anything more traumatic in my life. You came back to us. Stay with us Teetee" - Sara. "There's a tube going into your windpipe. You can't breathe on your own. Both your lungs collapsed. Your condition is still critical. It kills me seeing my baby girl like this" - Sonia. "I hate the sound that ventilator makes. Your fever keeps spiking. I haven't slept in three days. The heart monitor is such an earworm. I keep hearing it even when I'm not in your room. I don't mind it though... Every beep is a gift, it tells me you're still with me." - Sara. "Fight Tegan. Fight! You can do this. You're going to be a mommy sweetie. Please stay with me, I love you and I can't live without you." - Lindsey.
Tegan put the book down because she couldn't read anymore, her tears blurring the words on the page. Tegan put her head in her hands and cried. "Oh god this is too much... I can't" she whispered and pulled into a ball on the couch. Thoughts kept flashing through her head as she relived some of those sentences in her head. She stared into the void for a few minutes trying to steady her breathing. She took a hit from her inhaler after sitting up and picked the book back up. She opened it. The book contained amazing essays. Letters. Factual statements. Medical reports. Summaries of her vital stats complete with hand drawn graphs. Poems. Songs. Stunning, though dark pencil drawings by Erin. It really was amazing and it gave Tegan a glimpse into the minds of her friends and family. They were all so talented and articulate. Every day was covered in detail. Every event. "We very almost lost you today. Eveything happened in slow motion. That dreaded fucking voice repeating 'Code blue, code blue' over the speaker system. You had no pulse, no vital signs. I watched your stomach pop in and out as they did CPR. It looked as if they were going to break you. The monitors were all screaming... the sound pierced my brain. I will never forget that sound. That sound and the voice of somebody yelling "we're losing her". They shocked you so many times but the line refused to show some beeps. It felt like an eternity. It went on so long and I screamed for them not to stop. I've never been more petrified. I was on the floor shaking, praying non stop. I wet myself when the squiggly line went straight. Don't laugh you asshole." - Lindsey. Tegan chuckled through her tears. "Kate plunged a needle into your chest they shocked you again. You came back... You came back to us and I'm so proud of you. They're putting you on a machine to take over the function of your lungs. The operation is taking a while. I'm so scared. It hurts to imagine you in there with their hands inside you, touching your heart and lungs... I love you so much it hurts." - Lindsey. Tegan ran to the sink in the kitchen and vomited her breakfast back up. She lay her upper body on the cold granite top and cried.
Twenty minutes later she was a bit calmer again. She was starting to feel light headed and she opened the oxygen tank in the room and held the mask over her face for a few minutes. It made her feel better and she returned to the living room and opened the book again. She couldn't stop reading, it got easier as she continued flipping pages. The entries got happier, more hopeful, even funny at times with a bit of depression and desperation scattered in between. "You opened your eyes! You're fucking still in there whooo hooo. You looked at me. Quin for the win! They removed the ecmo yesterday. You're doing great. I broke my hand punching a wall. They had to sedate me like I'm a nutcase... I think I may be going crazy" - Sara. "You're doing so great. No more breathing tube. You're going to be an amazing mommy. I love you (times a billion)" - Lindsey. The amazing words of love and encouragement continued. It covered everything, the ecmo, days of no progress, desperation, happiness. Sara and Erin's abduction were covered only by Jeremy and Sonia. Sara and Erin's notes did come back eventually, both handwritings looked more shaky than before but they kept journalling for Tegan. The journal stopped on the day she was released from hospital. The last entry was a hilarious, childlike drawing by Kate of them all standing in front of the hospital with stars all around Tegan. "My star patient" read the caption. Tegan put the book down with shaky hands. Before reading this she couldn't fully imagine what they went through. She lay back down on the couch and bit her bottom lip, deep in thought.
She didn't know how long she'd been lying there when Erin walked into the room. "Hey Tee. You ready?" she said. "Oh shit" exclaimed Tegan looking at the time on her phone. She was still in her pajamas. "I'm sorry... I... I lost track of time. Just give me five minutes, I'll be quick" said Tegan jumping up. "Take your time" said Erin casually. Tegan stopped halfway to the hallway and turned around. Erin grinned as she took in Tegan's bed head and sheep print PJs. Tegan walked up to her and hugged her for a long time. "I love you Erin. Thank you so much for everything. You mean the world to me" smiled Tegan. "I love you too, where's this coming from suddenly?" asked Erin. "Nowhere... I just want you to know that" said Tegan and walked to the room to take a shower. Erin sat down on the couch and saw the open journal on the coffee table. She closed her eyes and breathed in deep. She dialed a number on her phone. "Hey Sar... she read the journal... yeah, she's okay I think... Don't worry, I'll let you know if we need you" she said.
Tegan was in a fantastic mood all through lunch.. She almost seemed manic. Erin on the other hand remained jumpy and hyper vigilant in public places despite the four security guards keeping a close eye on them. Her kidnapping ordeal never really leaving her mind. "What a beautiful day right. I'm so happy that everything is fine with your little bambino. Can't wait till Friday when we get to see ours. We are going to have such fun with them! Listen can we stop in Venice I have something I want to do" said Tegan talking like a steam train. "Seriously? I really don't feel like that hell hole today. Why do you want to go there?" asked Erin. "It's a surprise... please E. Please?" pleaded Tegan. "You know I can't say no to you" said Erin shaking her head. Tegan paid the bill and they got up to leave. Some fans stopped them. "Can we have a photo with you please?" one asked. "Sure" smiled Tegan. Erin seemed a bit shaken up by the attention but nodded reluctantly. "You okay? We don't have to" said Tegan. "I'm fine let's do this and get out of here" said Erin. Erin turned to Tegan as they got into the back of the car. "Why are you so happy suddenly anyway?" she said. "Life's good! I have everything I've ever wanted." she smiled. "You read the journal didn't you?" asked Erin. Tegan stayed quiet for a minute and looked out of the window. "Yeah" she said softly. "I just realised again how blessed I am to have you guys. You are all incredible. Thank you for that journal... I can't imagine what you must have felt and..." Tegan trailed off and shook her head looking emotional. "You got it Tee. I'm so happy to have you back" said Erin and patted Tegan's thigh.
They walked down a side street in Venice and Tegan stopped in front of a well known Tattoo shop. "A tat? Is that what we're doing here?" asked Erin. Tegan smiled a gummy smile "Shhh... don't tell my mom" she joked. "Listen Tee I don't know if... I think you should check with Kate first. What if there's a reason you shouldn't get one just yet?" asked Erin concerned. "Oh please... like what... does it look as if my body has issues with tattoos?" said Tegan and walked inside. She greeted the guy at the front desk by name "Yeah yeah I'm great thanks, can you believe I tied the knot" she said. "I was worried for no reason about that You and Me tat being removed someday" laughed the guy. "It ain't going anywhere dude, it will always be my favourite" laughed Tegan. She started drawing the basic idea of the tattoo she wanted on a piece of paper. Erin sat in the reception area reading a magazine since she was banned from seeing what Tegan was up to. "She's getting a tattoo... no she insisted." said Erin to Sara on the phone. She heard Sara talk to Kate in the background before hearing Kate's voice. "I'm sorry Kate I told her to check with you... No it's the same guy that did the other tattoos. She's fine. Yeah I'll keep an eye on her" said Erin. Two hours later Tegan walked out looking pale. Her wrist was bandadged. "You okay Tee you look a bit shaky" said Erin. "Yeah... It just hurt like hell. I'm fine" said Tegan. "Can I see it?" asked Erin. "No... I'll show you tonight" said Tegan. Tegan was stumbling around again like a drunk person as they left the shop. "Let's get you home homeboy" said Erin holding Tegan up as the car stopped in front of them.
Sara and Kate were waiting in the driveway as they pulled up. "What the hell did you do Tegan" said Kate looking annoyed. Tegan shrugged. "Whaaat? It's just a tattoo" she whined. "That kind of pain isn't really advisable for somebody experiencing breathing problems and low blood pressure... And on your wrist! No no no" said Kate helping Tegan out of the car. "I'm okay... I didn't even need my inhaler" said Tegan proudly. Kate shook her head. "Yeah yeah... come on let me check your vitals." said Kate. Tegan's BP was indeed low and she fell asleep on Erin's couch after some meds. "I want to peep under that bandage so badly" said Sara. "I bet it's Lindsey's name" she said.
Tegan woke up with Lindsey sitting next to her holding her hand. "Hey baby... how'd the shoot go?" asked Tegan. "Great thanks. I hear you've been up to all kinds of exciting things today" said Lindsey. Tegan just smiled. "Come on, dinner's ready" said Lindsey and helped Tegan up. Dinner was casual, taco's with just the girls. Alex was still at a production meeting. It was exactly what Tegan had hoped for. After dinner Tegan insisted that they all Skype Sonia. Tegan grinned as Sonia's face appeared on the large TV screen. "Hiiiii Mom!" said Tegan cheerfully. "Hi guys! What's happening!" said Sonia. They chatted for a while before Tegan silenced them all. "So... you all know I got a new tattoo today... yeah mom I know Sara called you" laughed Tegan. "I... I had some time alone this morning... and I... well I read the journal you guys wrote for me". Sara and Kate both pretended they knew nothing. "I cried... so much... I wept for like an hour when I finally understood what you guys went through... and what I actually went through. I touched me so deeply. Now... I know that there are so many people who helped me through this... and I love them all so much and acknowledge and appreciate them all but I realise now more than ever that you guys... you... Lindsey, Sonia, Sara, Erin and Kate are my pillars. I would not have gotten through this without you. Every single day you held my hand and I saw your faces every time I woke up... And you continue to carry me. I'm blessed to have you and I'm blessed to be alive. And I give thanks every day I wake up... for the gift of life... and for the gift of you. And that's why I got this tattoo. I know I'm going to sound cheesy but... You are my every heartbeat" said Tegan as she started taking the bandage off to reveal her new ink. Everybody looked at her wordlessly. Tegan held up her arm revealing a tattoo, covered in plastic to help it heal. The tattoo was an ECG rhythm strip on the inside of her wrist. Every beep had a red letter above it. S, S, E, K, L, the initials of the five most important people in her life. Lindsey wordlessly threw her arms around her wife. Everybody else had tears in their eyes. "Tee... that's incredible. Thank you" said Sara softly. Tegan blushed. "I didn't know what order to put them in so I put then in the order of when you came into my life. They took turns looking at it and hugging Tegan. "I hope he gave me a decent heartbeat" said Tegan as Kate inspected it. "He sure did... perfect strong and steady rhythm. "This is a difficult area... he could have easily nicked an artery... I would've fucking killed him" laughed Kate. "Hey I only use the best... I would not have minded bleeding for you anyway" said Tegan as she showed her mom the tattoo. "I love it honey" said Sonia. "Guess you didn't have space for the "mom" in a heart on your bicep?" she joked. Tegan smiled. "Next one" Tegan laughed. "This is closer to my heart... it's right on my pulse" she said.
A/N: I guess the soppiness needs to end soon but I can't help myself :D Please keep reviewing!