Funerals were never Hailey's thing and she had been to her fair share. Although most of that list included line of duty deaths and only a handful of those were people Hailey had actually known personally. This was different. Not only was Hailey going to a funeral for her own father, but she'd also be seeing her mother and brothers, something she hadn't done in years. Hailey couldn't even remember the last time she had talked to her brothers and it wasn't something she was looking forward to today. She let out a breath and looked down at the black dress spread out on her bed. Hailey went to her bathroom, showering quickly before returning to the bedroom and slipping into the dress. She went through the motions of drying and curling her hair, even going so far as to add a touch of makeup to her face to cover up the black circles under her eyes that were quickly becoming permanent. Downstairs she picked up her phone from the kitchen counter and smiled slightly when she saw Jay's name flashing across her screen.
"Hey Jay.."
She answered, moving about the kitchen to gather the last few things she needed before heading out the door.
"I know you keep saying you're good. I just wanted to remind you that I'm here if you need anything."
Hailey smiled again as she climbed into her Jeep, letting the silence linger between them as she started the car.
"Thank you Jay."
It was early still and she was surprised he was even awake on a Saturday but a part of her knew he had woken up just to check on her.
"I can let you go. Are you driving now?"
Hailey pointed herself in the direction of the freeway that would lead her back home. No, that wasn't right. Her childhood neighborhood hadn't been home for a long time now.
"Just leaving now."
She answered him after a moment lost in thought.
"Okay. Drive safe and call if you need anything. Bye Hails."
She listened to his sleepy voice and it was the only thing holding her together this morning. Before she could stop herself she was speaking words she hadn't thought through.
"Actually Jay...could you keep talking to me while I drive. Keep me company?"
She gripped the wheel, waiting for his response and could practically hear the smile in his voice when he replied.
"Anytime."
They fell into an easier banter and Hailey was thankful for the distraction. Jay could always seem to make her feel better and this time was no exception. When everything around her felt like it was crashing into her, he kept her steady. He was the tiny bit of light in her darkness and she clung to it with everything she had as she drove.
Hailey's destination arrived sooner than she had hoped and she regretfully ended her call with Jay, clinging to his words that they could visit later if she needed it. There's no way she wouldn't need it at the rate she was going and the promise of being in his presence later helped to quell her nerves ever so slightly. As Hailey made her way across the parking lot into the funeral home, she searched the parking lot for cars she might recognize, more out of habit than anything as she had been gone so long she surely wouldn't know what anyone drove. Her chest tightened as she pulled open the glass door leading into the building, fighting the urge to scrunch her face as the trademark funeral home scent assaulted her nostrils. A short hallway led her to a larger room and she froze as she rounded the doorway. There, in the corner of the room, stood her mother flanked by Hailey's two brothers. Her mother looked frail, smaller than she remembered and with noticeably less makeup covering her face. Hailey's stomach churned at the memory of her mother, face caked in makeup in the hopes of covering up the bruises, but being unsuccessful in her attempts as the marks were simply too dark. Hailey lingered there, feet frozen to the ground and seemingly unable to move from her spot. Her hands clenched beside her and she found herself wishing she had taken Jay up on his offer to come along, maybe then she wouldn't feel so alone.
Her oldest brother noticed her first, his eyes locking onto her face before they flashed recognition and he headed across the room, closing the gap between them. Before she could process it, he drew her into a tight hug, his chin resting on top of her head.
"Bean...it's so good to see you."
Hailey's mouth tugged into a small smile at the mention of her childhood nickname. His hands ran down her arms as he stepped back to take her in. His face held a genuine smile when he met her eyes, one she couldn't help but return.
"You too Michael."
As the oldest of the three, Michael had always felt the responsibility to protect the younger two and had thus shouldered more of the abuse than any of the kids. He never showed resentment towards them for it though and Hailey had spent many nights curled up in his bed, clinging to his larger body when she just couldn't sleep. He had left long before she did, when he too simply couldn't take it anymore. They had stayed in contact for awhile but eventually grew apart when the memories they shared from childhood seemed to hinder them from moving on with life. Hailey always regretted losing touch with him, though she probably never would have reached out. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and led them over to the rest of their tiny group. Hailey's mother met her eyes, a deep sadness swelling within them and Hailey wasn't sure if it was because of the circumstances or because of how Hailey had left things all those years ago.
"My Hailey...beautiful as ever."
A small smile creeped onto Hailey's face at her words and she hesitantly reached out to give her mother a hug. It was tense at first, both women filled with pent up emotions and words left unsaid, but soon enough her mother melted into her arms, holding her close. As Hailey clung to her she was overwhelmed by the onslaught of memories from her childhood, playing through her mind like a movie she couldn't turn off. Hailey stepped out of the hug as if she had been burned, blinking away the tears and watching as her mother did the same. Shifting her eyes elsewhere, they fell on her other brother, Justin. Hailey had never been as close with him as she had been with Micheal and the animosity had only grown when she left. Justin had called Hailey over and over for weeks, leaving her the nastiest messages, saying how she had just abandoned their mother, how she was an awful daughter and a waste of a human being. His words had so closely resembled things her father had said to her that Hailey had shut him out completely. He stood before her now, his cold eyes glaring down at her and she made no attempt to make any physical contact with him as she had the others.
The funeral went smoothly, as far as funerals go, and by the end of it Hailey was physically, mentally and emotionally drained. She had walked out of the building knowing she would continue her no contact relationship with the remainder of her family. It left her with a slight sense of relief while a tiny remainder of her was saddened by the thought. She would love nothing more than to have a typical family with a close relationship to both her mother and brothers, but she knew with all they held between them, that she could never be around them without the memories overwhelming her. She sat in her Jeep, her body feeling weak and shaky, and dreaded the drive back home. Of course, she'd be relieved once she was tucked safely back into her world, but the drive there would be lonely and filled with too much time to think. She debated calling Jay but knew it would be better to just see him in person. Hailey sent him a quick text to let him know she was on her way back and that they could catch up later. She let out a shaky breath and started the car, backing out of her spot and pulling away from the funeral home. From her family. From her father.
Tears threatened to swell in her eyes at the thought of her father, once such a large, terrifying, man...now nothing more than a body and a source of terrible memories She thought about what she would say to him now, if she had the chance. All the words she had thought she'd tell him one day but now wouldn't have the chance. The pain and anger that she had bottled away for so long, desperate for a release they would now never get. She had pushed them down for years, waiting for the right moment to throw them back in his face. And now he was gone. Her time had run out and she was the one left to carry all the weight of their relationship. It didn't seem fair, but then again, most of Hailey's life hadn't been.
Her drive home was another blur and as she pulled into her driveway there was a numbness settling over her that almost scared her. She must have sat there longer than she realized because blinked and suddenly it was getting dark out. Headlights flashed behind her car and she heard the familiar rumble of Jay's truck pull in behind her. Her eyes trailed his shadow as he made his way up to her car door, seeming startled that she was still inside. He pulled the door open, leaning against the frame to take her in.
"You good?"
He asked lightly but his face told her he already knew the answer. She shook her head no, feeling her throat tighten and knowing she couldn't trust her voice. Hailey stepped out, standing close to Jay's tall frame when he didn't move as she got out. His hand came to rest on her shoulder and the warmth it provided was the only thing she could feel right now. She met his eyes and when she saw everything they held she felt her own burn with tears.
"Hey…"
He trailed off, looking as if he was about to pull her into a hug. Hailey knew if he did that she would absolutely fall apart. His touch, his body surrounding hers would be too much and she wouldn't be able to hold herself together any longer. Not that it wasn't inevitable, but she at least wanted to make it inside first. Jay seemed to pick up on her hesitancy and took a step back, letting her shut the door and following her into the house. Once in the entryway, Hailey turned back to face him, tears still swirling in her eyes.
"That was awful."
Her voice broke as she spoke and that was all it took for Jay to close the gap. His strong arms wrapped around her and she didn't resist this time, instead melting into his embrace. Her chest heaved as more tears ran down her face and she could feel the sobs threatening to take over her body. Jay's arms held her tightly, holding her together as she fell apart. Her arms came to wrap around his neck, pulling him closer. Any other time, Hailey would have never embraced him as she was now, but in this current moment everything inside of her was falling apart and he was the only thing keeping her together. His arms reached down and scooped her up, suddenly airborne she nuzzled her head into his neck as her sobs continued. He carried her to the couch, setting down and pulling her halfway onto his lap. She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that but slowly her sobs subsided and her tears eventually stopped. Jay still held her tightly, his heartbeat in her ear a steady rhythm helping to calm her.
"Sorry…"
She mumbled, voice thick with emotion.
"For what?"
He asked, pulling back slightly to look at her. She couldn't look at him just yet, instead keeping her head tucked down against his chest. Her fingers danced over a wet spot on his shirt, left by her tears.
"For ugly crying on your shirt."
She felt him chuckle beneath her and it brought a tiny smile to the crook of her mouth.
"Hailey…"
He trailed off, causing her to finally glance up. His eyes still held all the worry and concern from before, but there was something else in them this time that she couldn't quiet name. She raised her eyebrows in question, urging him to continue.
"I'm pretty sure there's nothing you do that's ugly, for one. And for two...you can fall apart on me anytime you need too."
She noted a slight blush creep into his cheeks as he spoke and she smiled slightly before ducking her head back down against his chest. They fell into a comfortable silence, both of them content to just be together, closer than they ever had been before. This was different, something new that Hailey would most definitely spend hours analyzing over at some later point. But for now, this was exactly what she needed. There was a comfort to Jay, to his arms around her, his heart beating under her ear, his breathing raising her up and down ever so slightly...a comfort that felt as if they had been doing this for a thousand years and she was ready to do it for a thousand more. The thought should scare her, terrify her, make her question everything...but in this moment, she only focused on the comfort of Jay...the comfort of home.