Chapter 126
Tegan and Sara spent the day rehearsing. They were both on edge and frustration was building up slowly. "I just can't get that fucking chord right... I've done this a million times in my life I don't know what the hell changed" huffed Tegan. "Don't be so hard on yourself... Let's break for lunch" said Sara putting her guitar down and flexing her aching hand. "No not yet... I need to get this right first" said Tegan tuning her guitar. "Tegan we've been concentrating for the entire morning... my head's going to explode!" complained Sara. "Go if you want... I'm sure your girlfriend is missing you" said Tegan. "What's that supposed to mean?" asked Sara defensively. "Nothing! Jeez... defensive much?" said Tegan looking away. "Um... I'm sure it's not nothing" said Sara. "You just seem a bit pre-occupied today" said Tegan. Sara laughed sarcastically. "Oh really... Don't put this on me! You've been pre-occupied for the last week" she said shaking her head. Tegan stopped tuning and looked out in front of her clenching her jaw. "I... uh... listen let's just go have lunch. They're probably waiting for us" said Tegan trying to rapidly change the subject. "Uh huh" said Sara trying to get into Tegan's head.
Tegan and Sara joined Alex, Erin, Kate and Lindsey for lunch at a table under the huge trees in Erin's garden. It was a gorgeous summer's day and everyone except the twins was in a relaxed mood. "Hey pretty, how's rehearsal going?" asked Lindsey as Tegan kissed her hello. "Okay I guess... frustrating" said Tegan. "You'll get there" said Lindsey. Sara pulled Kate to the side "How'd it go with Violet this morning?" she asked. "Good... Really good" smiled Kate. "Great" said Sara and kissed Kate. "I've missed you" she whispered into her ear. "Erin! I've finished your script early this morning" said Tegan. "Yeah? And?" said Erin, her face a question mark. Tegan's approval had always been very important to her. "It's fucking fantastic! I couldn't put it down I was blown away... seriously, it's amazing. I've never read anything like it... this one is something special" said Tegan and gave Erin a big hug. Erin sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you like it... you're my best critic" said Erin. "Sara have you finished it?" asked Tegan. "No, I'm really sorry not yet... been kinda... busy" said Sara. "Sorry I stole it! I'm almost done with it, maybe you can read it tonight baby" smiled Kate. "Just read it Sara!" said Tegan annoyed. Sara ignored her and whispered something to Kate and kissed her again. "What's up with you two Quins?" said Erin. Tegan sighed "We're both just a bit... frustrated and annoyed" said Tegan. "Well... you two better find a way to get over it and work together soon because you've got a lot of time in a small room ahead of you" said Erin honestly. "Tell me about it" said Tegan rolling her eyes. "You'll get your groove back soon enough Tee" said Erin. "Hmmm I hope so... anyway, I'm starving. Let's eat" said Tegan. After a great lunch Tegan patted around her shorts pockets for her inhaler after laughing at a joke and feeling her airways close up. She turned away and took two large puffs. "Tegan! Are you okay? What's wrong?" said Kate sounding worried. "Hey relax! I'm fine... Kate, I'm fine... I just needed a puff I'm fine" said Tegan jumping up. Everyone around the table was silent and looked at Tegan perplexed. "I'm just asking Tegan" said Kate. "I'm sorry... I'm just a bit on edge today" said Tegan rubbing her shoulder muscle that was aching after the overworking it that morning. Kate put her hand on her shoulder and led her a few steps away out of earshot of the group. "Tegan... don't shout at me now" she said holding her hand up defensively. "Just answer me... have you been having any breathing difficulty earlier today?" asked Kate. Tegan put her hands in her hips and stared at Kate. "No... This was the first time today. I'm fine... it wasn't that bad... If I knew it was going to upset you I wouldn't have used it and just struggled through it silently" said Tegan looking mad. "No Tegan I want you to use it if you need it... You didn't upset me" said Kate. "Yeah since that's why you gave me the bloody inhaler in the first place isn't it... for situations like this" said Tegan hands in the air, clearly upset. "Yes... I know... You're okay... I just want to make sure everything stays under control Tegan. It's normal to have to use the inhaler every now and then... you're right, that's why you have it. But I'm not going to stop checking that you're okay" said Kate and put her hand on Tegan's chest and the other on her shoulder. "Breathe in and out nice and deep... some more... just calm down now" said Kate. Tegan shook her head but did as instructed. She stared into Kate's eyes. "Okay... you seem to be fine. We'll nebulize you tonight. Call me if it gets worse please" said Kate. "Yeah yeah" said Tegan and walked away. "See you guys later... I'm getting back to work now" she said. "I'll be there in a few minutes Tee I'm just finishing my coffee" said Sara. "Whatever, take your time" said Tegan.
"Whoaaa... somebody's cranky" said Erin. "She's having one of those days... she can be so full of shit sometimes" said Sara. "Come on, give her a break... She's having a hard time getting back into the swing of things" said Lindsey. "Sure Linds... but I don't like her taking her mood out on us" said Sara. "Sara... I get what she's going through. Just... give her a break. I think we're all guilty of taking out our moods on others at some stage in the recent past" said Kate softly. "Yeah... I guess. Thank you oh wise one" said Sara sarcastically and got up. Kate rolled her eyes. "Sorry, that was bitchy. Do you want to pop by later this afternoon to say hi" said Sara kissing Kate's cheek. "Sure... I'll bring you guys some tea this afternoon" she smiled. "Finish the script please so I can read it tonight before Tegan has another hissy fit" said Sara.
Sara walked back into the music room and saw Tegan sitting at the piano staring out in front of her, pensively biting her bottom lip. She snapped out of it when she saw Sara. She got up and put the guitar strap around her shoulder and started playing. Two songs in Sara dared to speak. "When do you think the band should join us?" she asked. "Does it sound like we're ready to rehearse with the band?" snapped Tegan. "Jeez Tegan I was just asking" said Sara with her hands in the air. "Sorry" mumbled Tegan and started playing again without answering Sara's question. She kept playing, hardly catching her breath between songs. "Okay enough now" said Sara seeing Tegan looking out of breath after a brilliant rendition of "Living room". Tegan started playing the intro to "The Con". She messed up the intro twice and swore under her breath. "Tegan... Tegan stop it" said Sara. Tegan put her hands behind her head and let out a deep breath through pursed lips. She paced up and down. "What's on your mind Tee" said Sara. Tegan didn't answer, she was turned away from Sara and put her hands on the piano, she ran her fingers over the smooth wood. "Nothing Sar" said Tegan softly, lying through her teeth. "I've known you my whole life Tegan... it's not nothing" said Sara. Tegan was still facing away from Sara and folded her arms. She turned around and put her one hand in a fist in front of her mouth. "Sar... do you want to get out of here for a few minutes?" said Tegan. "Sure... where do you want to go" asked Sara. Tegan fished around for something in her bag and waved Sara through the door. "Let's take a walk" she said. They walked down the driveway of the house and past the security box. "Guys... I can't let you go alone" said the security guard. "Why? We're just taking a walk down the road" said Tegan. Sara seemed pale and scared suddenly and breathed heavily. "I'm... I'm sorry Sara I wasn't thinking" said Tegan. "It's okay... one of the guys can follow us" said Sara. She still did not feel comfortable leaving the house without protection.
Tegan and Sara walked down the quiet, leafy street in silence followed by two security guards a few feet behind them. Tegan had her hands in her pockets and her shoulders pulled up. Tegan pressed the remote control button when they reached her and Lindsey's new house. She disarmed the security system and unlocked the house. "Wait out here please" she said to the security guards. She walked into the living room and sat down on the wooden floor. Sara sat down next to her in silence. Tegan looked at her and the corner of her mouth lifted in a half smile. "Sar... I... uh" said Tegan looking down. She stayed quiet for a minute. "Take your time" said Sara. Tegan had her arms on her elbows and stared at the laces of her chucks. After a few minutes she lay back on the floor and spread her arms and legs as if making a snow angel. "Sara... I'm not sure if I should share this with you now. But I feel as if I have a responsibility towards you... and it's killing me keeping this from you" said Tegan seriously. "Jeez that sounds serious" said Sara giving a nervous laugh. "Lie down" said Tegan. Sara lay back suspiciously. "Close your eyes" said Tegan softly. "Imagine two toddlers running up to you... jumping on you... tickling you... kissing your face" said Tegan. "Tegan what's this all about" said Sara. "Just do it" said Tegan. Sara giggled with her eyes closed. "They're beautiful Tegan... and naughty" she said. "Imagine this house as a home... furnished... toys lying around... the smell of dinner coming from the kitchen... the feel of their cotton pajamas on your hands... the smell of baby shampoo in their hair. The sound of their laughing" said Tegan, her voice breaking. "Sara... I haven't even laid eyes on them yet and they're already the most important thing in my life... I love them so much and I'll do anything for them. I love them so much it hurts" said Tegan, a tear rolling down her cheek into her hair. "I understand that Tee... where are you going with this?" asked Sara. "My life is changing... I have different responsibilities now... I don't want to leave them for long periods... I can't... I physically won't be able to Sar" said Tegan. "Of course not Tee" said Sara. Tegan sat up again. "Sara... I love our band... you know it's my favourite thing in the world. It's the best feeling ever being on stage with you... I don't want to lose that... that magic... but... I don't know if I can go on with this when I have a family to think of Sar. But on the other hand... I have a family and that's probably also the number one reason to continue... Sara I don't know anymore... I'm so confused. So fucking confused!" said Tegan with her head in her hands. Sara was suddenly annoyed. "And you spring this on me now?" said Sara getting up. "Well when was I supposed to..." said Tegan before being cut off by Sara. "Just... just give me a fucking minute to process this" said Sara pacing the room. "Sara?" said Tegan looking up at Sara scared. "No... not yet... shhh" said Sara with her eyes closed and her hand out in front of her. She looked furious and it scared Tegan. She walked out into the beautiful garden. Tegan stared at her from inside. She felt horrible... she couldn't stand hurting Sara but she knew she owed her some honesty. Sara sat down on a swing hanging from a large tree. She thought about Kate... she thought about her own future. She felt the anger of earlier slowly leaving her body and being replaced with empathy. A few minutes later she came back into the house. Tegan was sitting with her back against a wall and her eyes closed. "Tegan" said Sara. "Sara I'm sorry... I'm so sorry I shouldn't have let..." said Tegan sounding desperate for Sara's approval. "Tegan just shut up for a minute okay... just listen" said Sara. Tegan swallowed hard and nodded looking pale.
"Tee... I understand where you're coming from. Truth is... I knew this was coming. The last six months have put things into perspective for you... for all of us... Tegan... I guess the question is... do you want our project to end?" asked Sara. "It's not that easy Sara there are things to consider and I..." said Tegan fast. "Tegan... just answer the question. Do you want to continue making music as part of Tegan and Sara. It's a simple yes or no" asked Sara. "Yes... of course I do but..." said Tegan. "No buts... here's the thing Tegan... If you want to continue... and if I want to continue... we will just have to find a way to work around our obstacles... Rather, our challenges" shrugged Sara. "I don't see how... touring is our bread and butter Sar" said Tegan looking down. "You are looking at the problem and not at the solution. Time to get creative" said Sara. "What's the big issue here Tee? You don't want to be away from your family for a long time?" asked Sara. "More like at all" said Tegan. "Tee... Kate and I... well, it's really, really serious... We're already talking about kids and I will also not want to be away from them when that happens... and Kate has the kind of job where she has to be in town like all the time. Fair enough, I don't have kids on the way yet so let's just take that out of the equation" said Sara. "I guess we can take them on the road with us... but we'll have to scale down considerably and eventually we'll have to work around school terms and things" said Tegan shaking her head. Sara walked over to a pencil case lying on the kitchen counter that must have been left there by the estate agent. She pulled out a white board marker and walked over the large window overlooking the pool and the garden. "Let's just write down some bullet points here" said Sara and started writing on the window. "God you're a nerd" said Tegan and laughed. "Yup" said Sara and shrugged. "Okay... number one... our band is stronger than ever before... our record sales are through the roof" said Tegan. "We don't have to tour while we're writing or recording an album" said Sara. "We love touring though... performing is the best part of the job" said Tegan. "Lindsey and the kids can tour with us" said Sara. "They'll scream us awake every night" said Tegan. "We'll learn to live with it... or maybe I'll just bunk with the band" laughed Sara. "We'll have to scale the touring down... it's okay for a bit but I don't want them on the road all the time. That's no life for kids, they need stability" said Tegan. "We could consider flying more... we have a much better budget now you know" said Sara. "We probably won't have that much money anymore if we cut shows" said Tegan clearly frustrated. She scratched her head. They were both quiet for a few minutes. "Endorsements?" asked Sara. "Uh huh... good money I guess. But I would prefer not to" said Tegan. "Sara... Erin... she made us an offer, she wants us to write the music for her next movie. Like all of it – an entire album" said Tegan. "Oh... that could be an option" said Sara. "I don't know if I can do it... I don't think I have the confidence right now" said Tegan. Sara shook her head. "It's going to pay really well though and I'm sure we'll get lots of mileage out of this. That script is Oscar winning stuff I'm telling you. And we won't lose our artistic integrity if we do it right. People love Erin's movies... they're always huge at the box office... even the indie ones" said Tegan. "Tegan why do you doubt yourself like that... you... are an amazing songwriter... and if your future... and that of your family is on the line I'm sure that you'll write amazing music for this movie... I have no doubt Tee... You're a good performer but you're a fucking brilliant songwriter... that's where your strength lies. You just have to get yourself out of your comfort zone" said Sara. Tegan blushed. "Thanks I guess" she said. "If.. IF we can do something really special for this movie... I mean really pour our hearts and souls into that one... IF it helps us reach a bigger audience... I think it will free us up from touring a bit... we'll still be writing and recording and hopefully making more money out of that... touring will be a special treat. We'll tour enough to still get our kicks but not enough to become tedious and boring. Because let's face it... towards the end of the last tour we were both completely drained and fed up. It was getting too much" said Tegan. "Exactly... And your health showed it... I think it's a great opportunity Tee" said Sara. "I don't want this to end Sara... you and I... that magic... I love doing it so much. I need it" said Tegan, tears were rolling down her cheeks again. "Tee... shhh... listen to me" said Sara and took Tegan's face in her hands. "We're not going to make any decisions now... We're going to do this show... and we're going to do our best... and after that... we'll have a little company... strategic planning meeting and we'll decide on the future viability of the business" said Sara. Tegan stared at her. "I don't know how to do anything else Sar... what if I suck... what if I can't sing anymore" said Tegan. "What the fuck Tee? You can still sing... in fact I was thinking today that you sound better than ever!" said Sara. "Yeah well... I can hardly get through three songs in a row without a break... and my puffer... I still don't know if I'm physically going to be okay to go on" said Tegan. "Give it time... you're doing great Tegan. You're improving every day, I see it every single day... you're getting better... You're doing so well and it's still 3 weeks before the show... Anyway... you know what... even if you can't sing anymore... which is kind of a stupid discussion because you can... you can still do a million other things... you can write, you can produce, manage another band... you can manage any business for that matter... you're a great leader Tegan... you can teach... you can..." said Sara before being cut off by Tegan. "Okay thanks... I get it, I have options" said Tegan. "Exactly" said Sara. "Dammit... I'm soo so torn" said Tegan and threw her head to the sky. "Right now... I want you to put this out of your mind completely. I promise we'll find the answer... after the show... let's just get through the show. We'll find the answer, we always do Tee" said Sara taking Tegan's hand. "Model through it eh" smiled Tegan. "Model through it!" laughed Sara. "Thank you Sara... thank you for understanding. I don't know why I ever doubted that you would" said Tegan. "Hey... we're in this together okay... we're going to figure this out together... just like we always do" said Sara and hugged Tegan trying to seem strong and in control when in reality, she was petrified inside. Tegan pulled out her puffer again and took another deep breath. "Are you okay... you've needed that thing a lot today" said Sara looking concerned. "Yeah... just had an emotionally and physically draining day" said Tegan. "Let's get home... I'm sure somebody's looking for us by now" said Sara. With that Kate came storming into the house. "Here you are... I've been worried sick. You can't just leave without telling somebody" said Kate with her hands in the air. "Sweetie... calm down... how did you find us?" asked Sara. "Security told me where you went" said Kate. "So we did tell somebody" said Sara. "Yeah ... but you should have told me or Lindsey... she's worried too... why didn't you take a phone" said Kate now becoming quite hysterical. "Kate... I'm sorry, we weren't thinking... Kate just calm down for me for a second" said Tegan softly. "Honey... we're safe... everyone's okay... nobody's going to hurt us" said Sara. Kate walked up and down the empty living room nervously. "Yeah... I'm sorry... I just... I worry" said Kate. Sara hugged her, trying to physically anchor Kate who seems to be kicked around by some kind of emotional storm every day. "I'm really sorry Kate... it was my idea" said Tegan. Kate didn't answer and just stood with her arms hanging down her sides as Sara hugged her. "Let's go home and have that afternoon tea now... I'm dying for a cookie" said Tegan and winked. They walked outside and Tegan locked the door. Kate unlocked her Jeep. "Can I drive? Please Katy let me drive" said Tegan. "You don't have a license" said Kate. "I have a learners so I'm allowed to drive! Kate I need to learn... these babies are going to need a lot of carting around... and I can't go on the bus with a massive twin stroller" said Tegan. "Oh alright, alright. This is what it must feel like to have a teenager... Just around the block and then straight home... I'll take you for some proper driving lessons soon" smiled Kate.
Tegan drove around the block and home and almost gave Kate a heart attack in the process. "Will you chill please... I've got this. Anyway there's not a single car in sight" said Tegan. "Yeah but there's plenty of trees" said Kate. "What did I do... I didn't do anything wrong" said Tegan defensively. "Maybe it's better if you get lessons from a driving school Tegan" laughed Sara in the back.
They found Alex and Lindsey sitting next to the pool when they got home. "Where were you?" asked Lindsey annoyed. "We just took a walk to the new house" said Tegan and kissed Lindsey. She gave her the sweetest smile. "Don't you give me that smile Tegan Quin" said Lindsey shaking her head before leaning over and kissing Tegan giggling. The chef brought out some tea and cake for the group. "Oh yes! Carrot cake. I'm hungry again" said Tegan. "Do you ever fill up?" asked Sara with a frown. "I'm just building up my strength again... one of these days I'll be back to cranberries and rice cakes" she said with a mouth full of cake. Erin walked out of the house talking on her phone. "Great talking to you. I'll get back to you soon. No it's my pleasure. Take care" she said and pressed end. She looked at the group confused. "Who was that hun" asked Alex. "Oprah" said Erin frowning. "Huh... Like Oprah fucking Winfrey?" asked Tegan. "Uh huh" nodded Erin. "Oh yeah I keep forgetting that my best friend is a major movie star that's on Oprah's speed dial" said Tegan with a gummy grin. Erin threw her with a balled up serviette and rolled her eyes. "What was that all about?" asked Tegan. "She... well she wants to interview you... all of us actually" said Erin. "Really? What for?" asked Tegan confused. "Because we sold a gazillion albums Tee... what do you think it's about" said Sara sarcastically. "She wants to interview us about everything that happened since Tee got sick" said Erin looking perplexed. "Oh... I... don't know how I feel about that" said Sara. "Me neither" said Tegan suddenly looking pale. "I told her I'll ask you about it but I did make it clear that the decision is up to you and that it would probably not happen. No biggy.. I'll call her back later and explain" said Erin sipping her tea. "Hang on... maybe... well... the press has been hounding us since this all started. We're constantly complaining about the fabricated stories in the tabloids... they're just making shit up and there's no way that's going to stop unless we tell our own story. Then... maybe we'll be able to move on. They'll find a new target. I think we should at least consider it" said Tegan. "I don't know Tee. I don't want to be a blabbering, teary mess on national... no hang on... international TV" said Sara. "What if we insist that it's not live... not in front of an audience... that we get to approve what's shown... I don't know... we have the upper hand here... we can negotiate. And helloooo... publicity" said Tegan. "Well why don't we just get Ellen to do it then?" asked Sara. "Ellen won't... not that heavy a subject matter. Sure she'll get us on next year when all this is over but right now... Well, she'll probably do it if we ask her but there's no chance that I'll put her in that situation" said Tegan. "Fair enough" said Sara. "How do you feel guys?" said Tegan looking at Lindsey, Kate, Alex and Erin individually. "I'm easy either way Tee. I'll do it if you want to but I'm quite happy not to" said Erin. "And you won't mind discussing... you know... what happened... the abduction" asked Tegan carefully. "I guess it will come out at some stage Tee... every interviewer from no on is going to push for the story... and I trust Oprah. She's not going to exploit us" said Erin. "I'm not going on TV looking like a whale" laughed Lindsey. "Stop that. You're beautiful" said Tegan. "When did they want to do it?" asked Sara. "Whenever we're ready... but I'm thinking right before or right after the show would be best" said Erin. "I'm not sure about this... I don't know if we all want to relive it" said Alex seriously. "I agree with Alex" said Kate. "Let's take a bit of time. Think about it.. we don't need to give her an answer straight away. I said I'd let her know in the next week or so" said Erin. Everyone nodded. "Hey Sar... kinda cool that Oprah wants to interview us though right?" smiled Tegan. "You two are major, international stars. When are you going to realize that" smiled Erin.
A/N: Another nice long chapter for you! You guys are going to have to review more if you want them to keep coming! What do you think? Should they do the interview? What do you think about the future of the band?