The Rise of Captain Moo's Ranch
Note: all dialog by aliens and cows is translated from "Moo":
The aliens are immune to Covid-19 and this place after Covid is over.
All references to Elliot Page have been updated.
The aliens that probe people's behinds are on course to Earth again, but for a different purpose. They have a much darker plan this time involving the world's smartest animals.
Chapter 1.
The aliens are watching a pirated version of Juno dubbed in "Moo". The voices over the actors were dubbed over by cows when members of their species pirated it as they speak the same language as cows, even if it means that a big bull was dubbed over Michael Cera. The Alien Captain said "I think these humans need probes up the butts, especially the human clearly undergoing reproduction. I never understood why humans and cows have their young develop inside of them. Salmon have it right" The Alien Lieutenant said, "No, they do not, we have done that before and I have a plan that is far more important."
The Alien Captain shouted, "What is the reason and what is your idea!" The Alien Lieutenant was initially terrified, but then responded, "Why don't we do something regarding cows, the smartest animal in the galaxy?" The Alien Captain suggested "Well, given the humans eat them, why can't we eat them regardless of how smart they are." The Alien Lieutenant said, "I've observed humans raising them for slaughter before, why can't we do it ourselves and unlike the humans, we can talk to themselves".
The Alien Captain then plotted a course to Earth. They landed in Colorado outside of South Park. The Captain parked the ship on the planet and found a ranch with some cows. A human couple came out and said "what are you doing h .." and were vaporized by the aliens before getting their shotguns. The aliens now had the cows to themselves, and one cow suddenly said, "I heard my friend Betsy went to a place called "Burger King" and never came back". The Alien then said, "It is wonderful, and I will take you there, but you will have to eat a LOT before you can go there."
Several weeks after the aliens landed, Stan was at Kyle's House and they were watching "Days of Future Past." Kyle paused the video during a scene where Kitty Pryde was on screen and he asked Stan "You know Elliot Page is vegan, right?" Stan said, apathetically, "Yes, why does that matter?" Kyle stated, "I read on The Denver Post that she totaled a car to not hit a cow." Stan said, "Why do we care?"
After repeating the question, Kyle then told Stan "She and her wife were driving near South Park while on the way to Colorado Springs and they passed by a ranch where aliens were ranching." Stan said "Now, I am interested. What did the aliens look like?" Kyle said, "they were tall, white and had two big eyes." Stan shouted; these are the same aliens that stuck a probe up Cartman's butt.
Meanwhile, at the ranch, the aliens had just gone to a local Burger King that had the meat of the cows they had slaughtered. The alien captain said "We have conquered the most intelligent species with ease. We have outsmarted them and lured them to their death." The alien lieutenant said, "What do we do to celebrate, and where should we celebrate?"
The alien captain shouted "We will dine in hell by showing our dominance. This means we will eat their friends in front of them." The alien lieutenant said "I think we should give them a little respect and eat them somewhere else, especially given they are the smartest creatures on this planet".
The alien captain decided to ignore the request and started eating the burger. The alien lieutenant meanwhile decided to talk to a cow and said "It is going to be okay. I do not mean to hurt you, and I want to be your friend." The alien captain noticed what the alien lieutenant was doing and reached for his stolen phaser and decided to fire it. It was set to kill and said, "we do not befriend conquered lifeforms."
Ch 3:
The coup shocked the other aliens and made them cower in fear. The Alien Captain said in a speech to the other aliens, while shouting "We will keep harvesting the meat of the planet's most intelligent species until there are none left. The two-legged creatures are not as sophisticated or intelligent, and there is no need to conquer them. When the last moo is heard, we will have won." The cows heard this and were horrified, but their efforts were futile as the aliens could shoot them from miles away.
Meanwhile, in the distance from the ranch, low pitched chanting was heard. The chant was "Crab People, Crab People, Crab People, Taste Like Crab, Talk Like People". The Crab People had heard about the cows at the ranch as they were posing as human informants. One Crab Person even humorously posed as a white woman with long blonde hair who was an obsessive Muna fan who knew every song from all eight albums. She was even able to hum the melody of "Number One Fan" almost perfectly. The Crab People wanted to save the cows because they themselves were in danger from the same aliens given, they taste like crab.
The Crab King marched his army, who knew that cows and the Aliens spoke the same language, towards the ranch. He had a small herd of cows, who had Crab People Makeup, follow him around (he had a cow act as a translator to talk to the Aliens). When the Crab King approached the ranch, after passing the site where Elliot Page had wrecked his car weeks earlier, the Crab King gave his soldiers a speech. He said "We Crab People are a proud race. We may have lived underground since the human Middle Ages, but it never broke our will. These Aliens plan to take over the world, and after they slaughter cows, we are next given that we have the unfortunate problem of tasting like crab. We can beat the Aliens by showing them what it means to be a crustacean."
The Crab King tried getting his cows to talk to the aliens, but the plan fell through quickly. The cows were too scared to and, despite their "Crab armor", were slaughtered easily, ending any chance at diplomacy. The Aliens were ready to fight the Crab People and the Crab King said "Charge." The Crab People had spears, lances, poles, and of course, their own claws, as weapons. Despite outnumbering the Aliens by a 15:1 ratio, the Crab People lost horribly given their technology disadvantage. The battle was over in just fourteen minutes with the Crab King to be the last to die. The Alien Captain said with an evil stare "Nothing will stop our race from conquering the planet."
The Alien Captain was overconfident and unaware of his one true weakness, wolves. Given they spoke the same language as cows, they also had developed the same fear of the same predators. Wolves also, even if they could easily be vaporized. Stan and Kyle knew this because Kyle had a read an accidentally correct internet rumor on a celebrity tabloid. The page that took pictures of Elliot and his wife in Denver at a vegan restaurant hours before the car accident that the couple was unharmed in.
Stan asked Kyle "Where are we going to get a wolf?" Kyle then told him, "I don't know
nor do we think we need an actual wolf?" Stan said "Wait, I have several wolf related ideas that don't involve actual wolves. First, we could just blast Shakira's She-Wolf in both English and Spanish at the same time. Second," we could put up a projector to show werewolf movies or shows when the moon is full." Finally, "Couldn't we just use Sparky as all dogs are really wolves"? Kyle thought Stan's ideas were good but had one other idea. "Why not get the furries to hold a convention in South Park?" Stan reluctantly agreed, thinking it was over the top, and posted on Instagram.
The Alien Captain was walking around at sunset the night of the first waning gibbous after the full moon when he saw a group of people dressed as wolves. They also blasted that Shakira song on repeat, alternating between the English and Spanish versions while projecting episodes of the British Being Human where George turns into a werewolf. The Alien Captain was truly terrified and frozen in place when he saw then. The Alien Captain ordered his minions to fire, but they too were too scared to fire. The Alien Captain started to think about his plans for his near future, which were to pack his bags and find another sentient species that isn't guarded by a hostile species.
At the same time, A bull was also standing nearby. His mate had been killed to make burgers for the aliens and he had seen that burger be eaten. He trampled two aliens before being vaporized. The Alien Captain said to his minions that remained "we need to leave this planet, as it is haunted." He and his minions quickly gathered their supplies, and after hearing another howl, and then left quickly.
Aboard the ship, the Alien Captain argued "we need to land on one
of Urectum's moons as we are low on fuel and the minerals on it might have resources." One of his remaining minions, while eating a hamburger, asked "why Urectum's moons" while snickering. The Alien Captain said "that isn't funny"and shot his pistol to stun him just to get him to shut up. Their journey was quiet and uneventful otherwise. Stan and Kyle meanwhile never went to the actual fight, and were eating nachos while watching Umbrella Academy. Stan told Kyle "Is Vanya now trans?" Kyle said, "I don't know, but I support Elliot"?
Meanwhile, at the ranch the aliens had abandoned after furries showed up, Winnie the Pooh arrived at the ranch. He had fled China as an asylum seeker and wound up in South Park after Randy Marsh found a way to bring him back from the dead. Winnie the Pooh then sang the Winnie the Pooh Theme Song in Mandarin.
The End