Chapter 132
"Lindsey, just relax... everything's fine. Let's give it a few minutes to see if there's another contraction. Tegan why don't you go get dressed, Sonia and I will go make some tea" said Kate calmly after putting a plaster on Tegan's small wound. "Tea? Tea? She may be in labour" said Tegan freaking out. "Yes... and if she is that's fine... you can relax. Babies don't come out in five minutes Tegan" laughed Kate. "We haven't had all our Lamaze classes... we're not ready for this... we're not ready... this is too early" said Tegan walking around with her hands in her hair. "Sweetie... Tegan!" said Lindsey sternly. Tegan stopped and looked at her. "Calm down now... everything's okay" said Lindsey.
Tegan came out of the bathroom fully dressed a few minutes later. "Okay talk to me... What's happening Boo?" she asked sounding desperate. "Meh... nothing so far" said Lindsey paging through a magazine, forcing herself to seem calm and nonchalant for Tegan's sake. Kate and Sonia came back into the room with the tea. "No further contractions?" asked Kate. "Thank God no!" said Lindsey. "Okay... I'm just going to take your BP again... here we go, let's see what's happening" mumbled Kate. Tegan looked completely flustered. "What is it... is it okay" she said before Kate could finish. "Give me a minute Tegan" said Kate. "Sorry I just... um" said Tegan pacing up and down. Sonia stopped her and put her hands on her shoulders. "Breathe... calm down and breathe" she said looking into Tegan's eyes.
"BP looking much, much better Linds. I'm going to stay with you for an hour or so, see if there are any more contractions" said Kate. Tegan sat down in a chair. "Let's do the lung exercises and the nebuliser while we wait Tegan, you only have 30 minutes before rehearsal" said Kate. "Fuck rehearsal... my wife may be in labour!" said Tegan sounding mad. "Your wife isn't in labour Tegan... calm down" said Kate. Tegan felt as if she was about a minute away from having a full blown anxiety attack. "Sit back against the pillows Tegan. Calm down... we don't want a repeat of yesterday" said Kate preparing the nebuliser. "Tegan... come here sweetie" said Lindsey. Tegan got onto the bed next to Lindsey. "How are you doing baby?" asked Lindsey softly into her ear. "I'm freaking out" said Tegan, close to tears. "Everything's okay... no more contractions" said Lindsey. "So far..." said Tegan.
Tegan did as instructed by Kate and did some lung exercises while being nebulised. "Linds?" said Tegan under the mask putting her hands up in a question. "All good Tee... no more contractions" smiled Lindsey. Tegan lay back against the pillows and closed her eyes and took a moment to compose herself as relief flooded over her.
"Go rehearse baby... everything's fine" said Lindsey when Tegan was done with her treatment. "No, I'm staying here with you I'm not going anywhere" said Tegan. "Tegan it was just a practice contraction babe... Kate's going to stay with me. I'm coming up in a while to take the photos okay... I promise I'm fine... go" said Lindsey into Tegan's ear. "Okay... but Kate you fucking phone me if there's more contractions and I'll come running back" said Tegan. "I will... go, Sara's waiting for you" said Kate. "I love you baby" smiled Tegan and got up. "You kids stay put now" joked Tegan and kissed Lindsey's belly.
Tegan walked into the music room looking upset. Sara was already waiting and tuning her guitar. "Morning" said Tegan grumpily and put her guitar over her shoulder. "Morning... aren't you a ray of sunshine" said Sara. Tegan just huffed. "You're late" said Sara not looking at Tegan. "Yeah I'm late because I thought my wife was in labour okay" snapped Tegan. "Oh shit..." said Sara startled, her head snapping up. "Everything okay?" she asked. "Yeah... I think so... Kate says it was just a something... Braxton Hiccup or Hicks or something contraction" said Tegan and started laughing nervously. Sara joined her. "A hiccup contraction" repeated Sara and laughed. Tegan laughed harder and harder, doubling over and eventually falling down on the couch clutching her stomach. Sara laughed at Tegan laughing. Tegan didn't know what she was laughing about but she was hysterical.
"What's so funny" said Sonia walking in and seeing both her girls curled on the couch hosing themselves. Tegan stopped laughing and looked at her mom out of breath. "Nothing..." she said as her face fell. "Laughing has always been your coping mechanism" smiled Sonia. Tegan took a puff of her inhaler before taking her mother in her arms and holding her tight. "Everything's fine... Babies aren't going anywhere today" said Sonia. "What am I getting myself into mom... I'm going to be a parent... that suddenly scares the shit out of me" said Tegan. "I'd be more worried if it DIDN'T scare you. If I could do it so can you. You're so much more capable... and equipped than I was when I had you at 22. You're going to be a great mother. I have no doubt" said Sonia.
Lindsey and Kate joined them an hour later. In that hour Tegan phoned Kate about ten times to check if there's been any more contractions. "Oh good you're here so Tegan doesn't have to use the phone between every single song!" said Sara. "Everything okay?" asked Tegan looking at Kate. "Everything's just fine Tegan!" smiled Kate. "Thank God!" said Tegan giving a sigh of relief. Lindsey took out her camera and fiddled around with it. "As you were my favourite subjects" smiled Lindsey.
"Any requests Linds?" asked Tegan. "Yeah... Ummm... there's too many favourites but today... I'm going to go for... I know, I know, I know" said Lindsey. "Hmmm... you couldn't just ask for Call It Off or something?" said Sara. "Well it's on the set list Sara so we might as well get to it" said Tegan shrugging. "So… tomorrow the band joins us. I'm excited" said Sara. Tegan took a deep breath and scratched her neck. "I'm nervous" she said. She looked down and started tuning her guitar. "Baby… Teegs look at me" said Lindsey with the camera in front of her face. Tegan looked at her with a serious expression. "Oohhh very dramatic but how about a smile?" said Lindsey looking out behind the camera. The corner of Tegan's mouth lifted in a half-hearted smile.
The girls had a very successful morning rehearsal and took their lunch break slightly late. "Sorry Sara… I suck right now" said Tegan. Sara frowned. "What are you talking about you were great this morning" she said. "How's the breathing bud?" asked Kate. "Good… I think the nebulising really, really worked" smiled Tegan. "Good! We'll do a quick few minutes again before your next session. Linds… any more action?" asked Kate. "No, just some kicking when they hear Mom singing but no contractions" said Lindsey. "Great news!" sighed Kate.
"Hi Tegan… how're you doing?" asked Violet sitting down next to Tegan who was sitting away from the rest of the gang on a lounger under an umbrella next to the pool after lunch. Violet agreed to come to the house after Tegan flat out refused to leave Lindsey at home. "Hi… okay thanks… a bit stressed and freaked out but you know… nothing I'm not used to" shrugged Tegan. "Talk to me Tegan" said Violet softly. "I'm fine… just nervous" said Tegan. "You have two pretty big events ahead of you… I think it's okay to be nervous" said Violet. Tegan pulled her knees into her chest. "Being nervous about the births is understandable… being petrified about something that I've done thousands of times before, not so much… I just feel as if I've lost my mojo… it feels as if I just can't connect with the music… my intuition is just not there… it's not there… and it scares me and it frustrates me so much. Where does the good go you know…. tell me because I need it... And I feel distant from Sara… I hate that. I find myself wondering all the time what the message here is... what I was supposed to learn from all this. And I haven't found it yet" said Tegan becoming emotional.
"Tegan. You've experienced a lot of trauma this year… a LOT" said Violet. "Uh huh… tell me about it" said Tegan wiping a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. "When we experience that kind of physical trauma, it's almost as if we leave our bodies to cope with that" said Violet. "Well I know I left mine… I can remember doing it" said Tegan. Violet nodded. "It's a journey to get fully back into your body…. realign things, the more traumatised you are, the less connected you are to your own source of strength, your own source of inspiration, intuition… heart… everything" said Violet. "Getting all airy fairy on me doc?" frowned Tegan. Violet just smiled. "So…. I hear you about not being connected but… I don't know how to connect again… I just want everything to align again you know… I want to be normal again. Things just still feel out of whack" said Tegan. Erin walked up to them holding a tray with some tea. "Sorry to interrupt. Here you go guys… give me a shout if you need anything else" said Erin and smiled. "Thanks E… you're the best" said Tegan. "You've got some amazing friends and family. A very strong support structure" smiled Violet. "I don't know what I would ever do without them" said Tegan.
Sara stared at Tegan and Violet talking in the distance. She saw Tegan's hands move up and down in an animated way. "Penny for your thoughts" she heard Kate's soft, husky voice. Kate stood behind her and put her hands on Sara's shoulders. "I'm worried about her" said Sara looking up at Kate. "She'll be okay Sar… she's just finding her feet" said Kate. "She just seems so… fragile you know… so... disheveled... and it's not how I know her… I don't like this… I don't like it one bit" said Sara holding on to Kate's hands. Kate sat down next to Sara. "Sara… the calmer you are, the calmer she'll be. You need to take the lead. She's a bit overwhelmed. You need to be her security blanket right now" said Kate. "Yeah" said Sara looking worried. "And I know it must be hard on you being everybody's rock right now but she needs you Sara" said Kate. "Not going anywhere" said Sara in thought.
"I'm going to give you some techniques to cope with your anxiety" said Violet. Tegan looked annoyed and shook her head. "I know it sounds like bullshit to you Tegan but just try it" said Violet "Sorry… I don't think it's bullshit… I'll try anything" said Tegan.
"Learn to manage your anxiety. Avoid unnecessary confrontation or stressors. At least for now. Avoid getting into disagreements in the first place" said Violet. "Ha… that's easier said than done" said Tegan. "Use those relaxation techniques we spoke about last time. Have you tried them yet?" asked Violet. "No… sorry It's just been hectic and…" said Tegan "You need to make time for them Tegan, make the time!" said Violet.
"Practice deep abdominal breathing. I know Kate's been trying to help you with this. Breathing in deeply and slowly through your nose, taking the air right down to your abdomen, and then breathing out slowly and gently through your mouth. If you struggle with it, it may help to use a straw to exhale through. You really could use the extra oxygen also" said Violet. "Okay I'll try" said Tegan.
"Learn to replace "negative self talk" with "coping self talk." Make a list of the negative thoughts you have, and write a list of positive, believable thoughts to replace them. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Reframe. It's going to take some work but it works!" said Violet. Tegan shook her head. "No it doesn't... That's all bullshit… I've been trying that" said Tegan. "Fake it till you make it Tegan, keep doing it, it will pay off" said Violet. "Visualise… visualise yourself at the end of a fantastic show. How will you feel? How are you going to act?" said Violet. Tegan smiled and nodded.
"Get some exercise, get some rest, just do something relaxing like taking a bath, listening to some music or talking with someone supportive… they're all her for you Tegan. Don't push them away" said Violet. "I don't want to burden them with my shit longer than I already have" said Tegan. "You're not burdening them Tegan… I can assure you, not talking to them will burden them even more" said Violet. "They won't even let me exercise yet" said Tegan annoyed. "They won't let you run a marathon yet Tegan… a bit of light weight training, some walking… that's all acceptable I'm sure" said Violet. Tegan rolled her eyes. "I'll try" she said.
"Lastly I want you to take some alone time… meditate. Just work through things in your mind… on your own! I don't think you've done that before have you?" said Violet. "I guess not… I've kind of been avoiding it actually… Violet" said Tegan. "Yes Tegan" smiled Violet. "I don't… I don't know how to cope with that feeling… when it all gets too much you know… and it feels as if somebody is smothering you and ripping your heart out at the same time" said Tegan, her voice changing pitch and her eyes filling up with tears. She breathed hard and fast. "Tegan… close your eyes and take a deeeep breath now…. let it out slowly through your mouth… nice and slow. Count to 10 while thinking about your happy place… a happy event… while you're counting" said Violet. Tegan's facial muscles relaxed slowly and she smiled.
"I feel a bit better Violet... thank you, and sorry for dragging you all the way out here" said Tegan after some more talking with Violet. "No problem Tegan. You have my number, please call me if you need me" said Violet. "I will" said Tegan and took another deep breath before getting up. "You coming to the show?" asked Tegan. "I would love to, where do I buy tickets?" asked Violet. "Don't be silly, I'll have someone drop off some VIP tickets at the office for you... but you may need to be on standby in case I go ape shit" laughed Tegan. "You're going to be fine Tegan. Just fine" said Violet smiling. "I want to hug you, is that okay?" said Tegan. Violet didn't answer but opened her arms and gave Tegan a long hug.
Tegan walked back into the music room and smiled. "Ready to rock Sar?" she said and winked. "Let's do it" laughed Sara. Lindsey took some amazing photos of the twins doing their thing. "I'm going to download these real quick and email some to you" said Lindsey. "Thanks babe" said Tegan. "No thank you, I needed a distraction today and this certainly did the trick" said Lindsey. "Get some rest Linds" said Tegan. "I will sweetie... don't work too hard" said Lindsey and kissed Tegan goodbye. She left the twins alone. "You think we're ready for the band tomorrow Sar?" asked Tegan. "Yes... I really do think we are. You're doing a great job Tegan" said Sara. "Thank you... I don't think we've ever put this much work into a single show" laughed Tegan.
After the rehearsal Tegan and Sara sat in front of the computer looking at the photos Lindsey sent them. "She's so talented" said Sara. "Yeah you need a real talented photographer to make me look half decent at the moment" laughed Tegan. Sara started typing. "Hi everyone. We want to firstly apologise for being off the radar for a while. We've had a tough couple of months but we're right back in the swing of things. We're working very hard to bring you the best show we possibly can. We're looking forward to being back on stage so much. We're planning something really special for you. The show will be streamed online for all of our amazing fans that won't be able to see us perform live as a thank you for your unwavering support and love during this challenging time. You're all amazing and we love and appreciate you so much. Here are some photos of us rehearsing and trying to remember our lyrics. We can't wait to be back! xxx Tegan and Sara"
A/N: Glad those babies are staying put for now! Trying to write as fast as I can so we can finally get to the exciting parts. Hang in there! Review please!