Riley makes an appearance on Saturday – two days after getting beaten into a bloody pulp. She looks better. The bruise on her cheek had faded to a dirty yellow, along with the swelling in the eye going down. Since most of her injuries are under her shirt, she appears to be fine. The doctor said she has three crack ribs and one broken one, but if she's in pain, Riley sure didn't show it. In fact, her face has been bright and cheery the whole time I've seen her. Odd.
We are visiting the fence today, something about learning the different job aspects. I doubt it. If we were 'learning' about different jobs, we would be visiting other areas of Dauntless as well, not just the fence. Probably a scare tactic. The three instructors join us, as well as the Dauntless-born. Boarding the train was a slightly difficult task, thanks to Riley. Jace helped with the ordeal, pushing her onto the train while I yanked her up. Most of the other transfers had a difficult time as well, with the exception of me, Cole and Mark. Lucky bastards. I decide to help Four out after Riley. He's been managing the other initiates, which he's doing a fine job at, but he's quickly losing land to run on. The instructor gives me a grateful smile when I yank a Erudite girl into the car, giving him just another second to pull himself in. The Dauntless-born – except Jace –, Mark and Cole are in the car ahead of us, seeing that they had got on much earlier.
The train ride to the fence is mostly silent, excluding the loud pants of the injured initiates. I sit close to where Four is standing at the train's door, hanging out slightly as the wind rushes past him. Riley tries to strike up conversation, but I tell her to rest; not because I care that she needs to recover, but because I don't want my ears to burn from her shrill voice. The Candor accepts the excuse, staying silent for a few minutes before turning to Jace and blabbering out how comfy the infirmary beds are. I swallow down the irritation that's bubbles in my chest and decide to move to the train door next to Four. I copy his movements, grabbing the handle the leaning forward. Unlike him who grabs it with one hand, I wrap my forearm around it, not trusting my strength to carry me. The honey-skinned man doesn't say anything, a flick of his eyes the only acknowledgement I get. The train carries us to ground level, the ruins of buildings slowly getting sparser. Vegetation starts taking over, trees become denser and denser as the train travels. Occasionally a flash of orange and red passes by, Amity. People carrying baskets wave at us, as if we're good friends. Their bright smiles only irritate me more due to the lack of true genuineness.
By the time we arrive near the fence, the trees had disappeared, revealing the vast grasslands and fields. The train stops this time, since the tracks has run out. Everyone piles out of the train, some stretching their limbs from the stiff ride. It's the first time I'm this close to the fence, and it's colossal. The concrete wall that fades to thick metal bars and platforms intimidate me, reminding me a rock-giant. The fence seems to stretch to the sky. Please don't make us climb to the top.
The initiates split into three groups when we reach the third platform. The height makes me dizzy and nauseous, like I might fall if I look directly down.I probably will.I don't let go of the rails when Eric leads us down the walkway, my vision trained solely on his back. The leader has a slight skip in his step, something only noticeable when you stare at him long enough. His hands are in his pockets as he strides, shoulders missing the tenseness they always came with. The initiates are looking around in wonder, though I don't see what's so special. There isn't much to the fence, since every part is pretty much identical. I peer over to where they are looking, trying to figure out what's so interesting. No avail.
At one point, Eric stops us to explain what the Dauntless does at the fence – which isn't actually much. "Those ranked below ten will most likely end up here, so I would suggest you familiarize yourselves here in case you land the job of fence duty." He sounds distracted at the end with his voice trailing off. Some of the initiates pale at his comment, their ranks probably falling into the category of mention. Like Eric, I'm too distracted to allow the information to sink in. I turn to follow the man's gaze, there's a guard walking up to him. The guard is nervous, eyes cast down and scratching his neck awkwardly.
As the men converse quietly, I turn to look at the fields. I recognize it instantly – it's the field where I spend every evening. A spark of hope blossoms in my my dogs are out here playing. My eyes scan for any signs of life, nostalgia clawing at my chest. After spending much longer than necessary, my heart sinks. Why would they even be here in the morning? My face falls at disappointment and my foolish thoughts. I sigh.
"What?" Eric snaps. I curiously peer at him, as well as the rest of the initiates. He turns to glare back at us, making the initiates turn back to study extremely interesting fence and even more interesting fields. It doesn't work on me.
The man in front of him is cowering, swallowing thickly as he paws at his collar. "W-well..." The guard doesn't get to finish his stutter before Eric wraps his hand around his throat, pushing the man to the wall.
"What?" The leader asks in a quieter tone, deadlier. I can't see what he looks like, since his back is turned towards me, but his shoulders are back to being tensed. The young leader's biceps are bulging and taut, proudly displaying all the effort he's put in to maintain his physique. Even angry, he's absolutely delectable. The guard starts turning pink, hands clawing at the unyielding grip of Eric. He wheezes something inaudible to my ears, veins becoming more prominent on his face from the lack of blood. The ruthless leader takes a long deep breath and releases him like the guard had burned him. The assaulted Dauntless crumples to the floor, gasping for air. Without wasting a second, the guard scurries away, clothes rumpled and legs stumbling over each other. Eric stands facing the wall, fists clenching and unclenching. The rises and falls of his back are very prominent, an indication of him either trying to calm down, or becoming angrier. I wonder what the guard told him to cause such a reaction, it's the first time I've seen him this aggravated.
The walk back to the train is silent, all initiates in my group climb down the steps as quiet as possible. That never works. One of them trips, boots slamming into the metal steps. The Dauntless-born catches himself before he tumbles forward, eyes wide in horror by what he had just done. He only has a second to recover before Eric comes up to his face, snapping and telling him that he should go back to nursery if he can't even walk properly. The juvenile grows red in embarrassment, forcing out a 'Yes, sir!" before nodding with an exaggerated amount of force. Is he saying yes to nursery?
All the initiates fill up the front carts, having pick up Eric's foul mood immediately when we gathered to leave. I squint at the sardine-packed people, deciding if I should join them. Four and Eric move to the last cart, with Four probably wanting a break from the transfers. Or a death wish. I think about Riley's squeaky voice and Jace's constant blabbering, it's as if my ears bleed at that thought. The train starts moving, not willing to wait for me to make a critical decision. Brief panic fills me at the thought of being left behind, making my legs go on autopilot. I reach out my hand to grab the cart containing everyone, the handle gleaming in mockery. I miss it by a hairsbreadth.
Well then.
I grab onto the last cart's handle, using my weight to hull myself into the cart. I land on my stomach since the train is moving much faster than normal, pain rips on my front from the impact. A groan escapes my mouth as I flop onto my back, panting like a dog. Stupid trains and their impatience. Four looks down at me with brows furrowed. The view reminds me of when I had my panic attack, except I can see him clearly this time. His eyes are dark blue, a beautiful, dreamy color. I take a moment to appreciate his visage, sharp jaws and slightly hooked nose. He has a sparse upper lip and a full lower one, accompanied with straight eyebrows. His ears stick out slightly, reminding me slightly of a . I wonder if he has a girlfriend, he's quite the catch. "You're crazy." He snaps me out of my checking-out session.
I stare back at him unblinking. "Thanks." Knocked out of my trance, I move to sit up while he shuffles away. I re-tie my ponytail and move to hang my legs out of the train. The trees are coming back into view.
"Didn't want to hang with your friends?" Four asks. I'm surprised; never took him as one for casual conversation. The instructor's sitting a few feet away from me in the car, he has an arm wrapped around his knee as he leans against the wall.
"They talk too much." I say.
"You don't seem to have much tolerance towards people."
I shrug nonchalantly, but I'm shocked he noticed. "People are annoying and complicated." They honestly are. "I rather not have to deal with them." I add.
Four chuckles and shakes his head, his laugh is rich and genuine. I can't help but smile. "How did you even survive Amity?" He's confused but definitely intrigued.
"There are people I can tolerate!" I whine. Do I seem that bad? "Just like... four people." Four lifts an eyebrow, and I belatedly realize my implications. "No, I'm serious! It isn't a joke!" He doesn't seem convinced, but doesn't say anything. His mouth is pulled to an amused smirk, one he should wear more often. My nostrils flare in fake annoyance. Speaking to Four is refreshing, not that I'll admit that out loud.
It only takes a few moments of quiet before I'm suddenly aware that we aren't the only ones in the cart. I look past Four before turning to the other side. Eric sits in the cart as well, he's staring at me with eyes half-hooded, but it appears to be unseeing. The leader is calmer now, his outburst from earlier now taking a toll on him. His slate blue eyes are dull, the burning fire and spark gone. The change in mood makes him look years older.
Despondent. That's the word I describe Eric as, and it weirdly makes my heart tug with sorrow. His shoulders are sagged and his breaths are shallow. I don't like the way he looks, it's as if he gave up on life; and I hate it.
Before I can register my actions, my feet are already moving. They stop short to his left and my body drops as I take a place beside him. I don't know what I'm doing, but I rather do this than continue to watch him lifeless. I shuffle close to him till our arms touch. Eric doesn't respond, doesn't tense, doesn't move. I'm not sure if he realizes if I'm even next to him. The logical side in me demands for the reason behind my actions, but I don't know them myself. My fingers becomes numb and my limbs weigh me down. I feel cold knowing that he's like this.
We sit in silence.
Then, it's almost like I didn't feel it but I do: he leans against me.
The moment I hop off the train, Skylar and Jace rushes to me. The deranged blonde picking and examining my arms, checking for things I'm not sure what. "Where were you!" She exclaims. Jace is just as worried as her.
"Huh?"
"The train started moving and you weren't in the car! One of the Dauntless-born said they saw you reaching for the handle. We thought you were left behind!" Jace is the next to shout, waving around frantically. Zack stands quietly beside them, shrugging his shoulders when I look at him pleadingly.
"Oh, urm, yeah. I did miss the car. So I went to one behind." I say. My heart swells a little at knowing that they care about me.
"You mean the one with Four…. and Eric?" Riley enters the conversation.
I nod. The Candor's face starts draining of color. "Yeah…?"
"And what did they do to you?" Skylar asks, taking a step back after seeing that I sustained no injuries.
My mouth opens but I pause. Do I want to tell them that I conversed with Four and lean with Eric on the entire train ride home? Do the instructors even do that with the other initiates? Something tells me no. I blink at her and clear my throat. "Nothing."
"Nothing?!" All four of them are ?
"I thought Eric would've snapped at you. He seemed pretty ticked off when we left." Jace trails off hopelessly, answering the question in my head.
"Oh, urm-" I'm saved by Four's impeccable timing. He calls everyone over and tells us that we have the rest of today and tomorrow off. I mentally send him a note of thanks, hoping he would get my message even though my face was blank the whole time. All the initiates starts talking excitedly over each other, making plans for the weekend. Four also tells us that our points replenish on Sunday, and that our ranks will be posted on Monday. My group starts suggesting to spending tonight in the Pit. I nod along absentmindedly. My mind drifts to Eric. He had gotten off the train with the same expression as when he got on. It amazes me to no end on how he's able to flick he emotions on and off. He hadn't said anything when the train was started to slow, only standing up and hopping off after Four. What did the guard say?
"You coming Anna?" I blink. "To the Pit. There's a party happening tonight." I stare at Jace, who has this hopeful expression on his face. Well, Skylar and Riley has the same expression too. Parties are pretty frequent back in always encourages the people to celebrate nothing and everything. Something about spreading good vibes – I can't relate. Amity parties mostly consist of dancing in big circles and playing musical instruments. I doubt Dauntless parties are anything like that. Since the dogs, I never attended the parties in Amity, choosing to stay out late in the fields to play instead. "Pleaseeee? You should try loosening up."
I take in the hopeful faces again. He's right, Ishouldloosen up. "Alright." Skylar squeals, making my ears burn. Dread already begins to fill. Is it even possible to regret a decision before even knowing the outcome?
I vow to never agree with my – I don't even know what to label them as, friends? – again. No matter what.
It's only past dinner and the Pit's swarming with people. Drunk people. I no longer hide my scowl as people bump into me, pushing and tripping over their own two feet. My friends have disappeared, not before downing a few shots first of course. I stand in the middle of the Pit like an idiot, just like how I've been ten minutes ago. A server with shaved green hair manages to push herself between the sea of intoxicated people while balancing a tray of drinks. I don't know her, but I respect her effort. She offers me a glass and I take it just to make her efforts seem like they paid off. Accessing the amber liquid that's in my hand, I squint before sniffing it. The smell burns my nose, making it scrunch up. Amity never had alcohol, since everyone's already too high to even need it. The only reason why I somewhat recognise the smell is because of chemistry class in school. There's a single large piece of ice in the cup, making the drink cold in my hands.
"It's scotch!" Someone slurs the words a little too loudly in my ear. "You should try it!" I turn towards a drunk man, he has blond hair and is only a few inches taller than me. The man stares at me hungrily, his eyes pausing at my chest longer than deemed appropriate. "You're kinda hot, wanna dance with me?" He's already dancing before he finishes, his chest bumping into my shoulders like a pounding headache, which is already beginning to form. He looks like an idiot; it takes me a tongue between my teeth to stop me from voicing it.
My lips turn down in distaste. "Sure. Hold this for me?" The man's eyes brighten, hand eagerly stretching out the grab the glass. I do my best to appear seductive. Turning fully to face him, I slide my arms up his chest and lean close to his ear. "Wait here."
I pull away and shoot him a wink, waving my fingers as I move into the crowd. The man, who I learned reeks of alcohol, continues to stare greedily while sipping the scotch. My nose scrunches in disgust. By the time I'm a decent distance away, I shove myself through the crowd, giving no fucks about anyone. I spot Jace with a girl pushed to the wall, his back is towards me while he makes out with her. Riley. I think about telling them that I'm leaving, but ultimately decide against it, slipping out of the Pit.
The hallway back to the dorms is empty, since everyone is out partying. I grab my hoodie and dig for the photo in my trunk, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. Doing my best to recall the way back to the net, my feet carrying me swiftly away from everyone.
The moon is full in the empty night sky.
I sit with my legs hugged around my knees, finally at peace. There's a single light source coming from the stair enclosure, a long beam of white light. My head is craned up. The stars are out tonight, easily visible from the lack of clouds. It's been a while since I've seen the night sky, enjoying it now makes me realise how much I miss it. The wind howls softly beside my ears, as if whispering stories to me. I wonder how the dogs are doing. Are John and Johanna managing them well? Does John bring them to the fields every evening? I pull out the small image from my jacket's pocket. The girl in it seems to be mocking me now and I'm suddenly struck that I haven't had a good laugh since I arrive here at Dauntless. A sinking feeling and nostalgia settles at the pit of my stomach, a feeling I've grown accustomed to during my time alone – which is most of the time. Sabre's fur glisten in the fading sunlight, his silver fur black at where the coat conforms to the creases of his skin. I wonder what he would do if he sees me now. Will he jump into my arms and start licking my face? Or will he hunch by my feet, whimpering and whining because of how much he misses me. I think about Gunner, how he's the one most attached to me. Among the trio, he would take my absence the worst. His whole life practically revolved around me. What about Hawk? Will he find ways to escape John's watch to run back to my house? He's the smallest and smartest, I would be surprised if he didn't. My thumb trails down his fawn fur and black mask, if I think hard enough, I could feel his fur underneath me.
The crunching of gravel alerts me of a presence. I'm about to turn but a pair of cargo pants-covered legs stop beside me, folding and lowering the person to the ground. "Aren't you supposed to be inside partying." Four.
My mood deflates to mild disappointment. Why am I expecting Eric instead? "Been there, done that." I reply.
Four stretches out his feet in front of him. He seems relaxed tonight; his instructor posture gone, revealing a man of his age. "What's that?" He asks. I turn to look at him and find his gaze on the card in my hands. I hesitate.This is something no one in Dauntless knows about, do I want to confide in him? I think about all the interactions I've had with the instructor, never once did he hold any malice towards me. He seems to be a good man, one with . I suppose that if there's someone I had to trust, it would be him. Sucking in a deep breath, I pass him the photo. Four knits his eyebrows together first, unable to see through the dark. He lifts the image higher, where the glow of the light reflects off the image. It takes him a few moments to stare, but eventually his blue eyes soften and he turns to me. "You looked happy." He says.
My gaze finds the moon, I don't want to look at him. "I was." I agree.
"Then why did you leave?" The million dollar question I ask myself every day. Why did I leave? Sure, I didn't like the general population of Amity, and I didn't like the peace serum, but I didn't mind it before I left, so why did I leave? My mouth goes dry. I don't know.
Yet, if thoroughly thought about it, I do. "For peace." I say. To the Dauntless male, I must sound like a lunatic; I probably am. Amity is the definition of peace – metaphorically. But yet, Amity isn't.
"Pardon?" My resolve solidifies, and I no longer avoid his gaze.
"I transferred, for peace." I say. I don't repeat my words slowly as if he's too stupid to process it, because Four isn't stupid. "Peace is hard-won, sometimes it is necessary to fight for peace." The phrase comes from the Dauntless manifesto, recognition and shock fills his face. "There's something brewing. I'm not sure what, but something's about to happen." I should feel horrified for revealing my intentions of transferring, but I don't. I trust him. "I've always dreamed of becoming Dauntless, something about the fighting and guns makes it seem like an fulfilling life, one with no regrets. But the dream is foolish, a child's daydream. Dauntless believes in shouting for those who can only whisper, in defending those who cannot defend themselves. And I came here to do just that." I stun myself. This revelation has never came across my mind. Well, not in the way I just put it, but I still meant every word. Who would've thought that I would've memorised the manifesto? Certainly not me.
A long moment of silence passes, the words sinking into our minds, dissecting and processing.
Four opens his mouth, then closes it. There's something he's hesitating to say. Is he deciding whether to trust me? A few more seconds pass, then he speaks up. "Eric's in the middle of it." Four says quietly.
"And Max." I add. Four eyes widen. "My parents are ambassadors remember?" I pause to swallow. "They've been noticing the food hoarding reports on Abnegation and the visits between the Jeanine and the leaders. I'm not sure what they are, but the secrecy means that it's not something good."
The instructor's jaw grows slack at my knowledge, not quite believing that a peace-loving initiate is aware of what's brewing beneath. "It isn't." He shakes his head to get out of his daze. "From what I gather, they're building an army. The new initiation system was placed to remove the weak, so building an army isn't a very far-fetched idea. This system forces brutality, especially in stage one." I think about Cole, how Eric didn't move to stop him when the Erudite took it a step too far.
Sighing, I rub my head, all the possibilities makes my head hurt. "I don't want to think about it, maybe once we have an idea on what's going on, then we can discuss it." Four agrees, a welcomed silence blanketing over us again. Four remains beside me, looking up to the sky to watch the moon. His presence is nice, not suffocating like my friends, I wonder if he enjoys being alone as well.
"He's fond of you, Eric." My eyes flicker to him briefly.
"I never took you as one to care for their enemies." I say. His statement doesn't surprise me as I'm not oblivious, it only confirm my suspicions. Eric treats me differently with than the other transfers. Though not obvious, it's there.
"You're right. But he when he's around you, he throws me off."
"How so?" I don't understand.
Four turns to me, entertained by my baffled appearance. "Back at the train. Was it anyone else, I don't doubt that he would've shove them away."
Ah."He seemed depressed." I shrug, I would like a comforting presence too if I received unpleasant news.
"Don't forget the time when you started hyperventilating, he was more concern over you than that girl's condition after the fights." He laughs darkly, not quite believing the events of that day. "It's the first time I saw him anxious."
"His expression was pretty comical." I agree. "But you were panicking too." I point out.
Four huffs and rolls his eyes. It's nice to see him like this: the man of his age. "It's not every day I get an initiate panic-stricken after winning a fight." Blood rushes to my face. "Which, by the way, what was that all about?"
That's how the rest of the night went, both of us rotating between idly talking and enjoying the quiet night. We talked about everything and nothing. I tell him about my life back in Amity, my dogs, John and the training my mom gave me for preparation. He doesn't offer much about himself, and for once, I didn't mind being the one to talk.
I arrive back to the dorms that are mostly empty, feeling like the weight of homesickness has been lifted off my shoulders. It's well past midnight. I shower and slip into bed with a smile on my face; it feels nice to finally confide in someone.
Tonight I made a friend – my first one for at least a decade.
A/N
Longest chapter so far. It's 3 am and I really want to sleep :D
Not sure if you can relate to Anna about finding a friend, it's a pretty big deal to her considering that she has no one to talk to.
The next chapter is pretty hectic and kinda nice I suppose? Idk.
I'm just about to post the chapter when I realised all the italics disappeared. This app is starting to piss me off :D *cue tantrums of a sleep deprived teenager* I'll fix the previous chapter(s) once I'm in a better mood. It's 3:30am now. Stupid ffn. Worst part is that I made sure that the italics stayed when I pasted the text. It just disappeared after I click save.
I've downloaded VPN for my computer. So done with everything right now :D Please pray that uploading will now be smoother. Before I lose my mind :D Sorry you have to read my rambling, I'll stop now.