Today marks one week since I split my blood over the coals.
I'm the first initiate to the training room, just like every day since I came. Eric's absent. And for once, I don't yearn for his presence. Four's writing out our ranks on the chalkboard. His writing is chicken scrawl, not that I'll tell him that. I suppose I miss Eric's handwriting then.
My hand moves to cover my lips that have been pulled between my teeth. I can barely make out the name 'Anna', which stands next to the number three. Four places the chalk on the ledge, pleased with his work. The names are barely decipherable, most of them either lopsided or uneven in size. He had attempted to make the words cursive, intentionally adding a curve or tail at the end of the alphabets. His hands are on his hips, head strained up towards the board in complete utter pride. Four's stance makes laughter bubble up my throat and I choke on my saliva. I turn away immediately and face the door, coughing and wheezing for reasons other than clearing my throat. By the time I face the instructor – which was a few minutes later – he's full on glaring at me. "Find something funny initiate?" He growls. I can't take him seriously.
"No sir." I clear my throat and attempt to keep a serious face. The twitch in my cheek betrays me.
"Good. Now, unless you want to do it yourself, I suggest you keep your mouth shut." There's a slight playfulness to his tone.
"I may take you up on that offer." The instructor eye rolls.
"Knife throwing." Four announces, flipping the blade around his hand in attempt to look intimidating. It seems to work, with the metal glinting in the light as he twists; Riley can attest to that. Knife throwing is something I'm good at, since steak knives were available for practice back in Amity. Mom said that this part of training is mostly pointless, more of a way to impress others than to be used for fighting. I think I disagree.
There are three knives in each station, mostly black with silver at the edges. I pick the one on the right, feeling it in my palm. It's only a little heavier than the steak knives I practiced on. The design is sleek, though the handle looks slightly worn from years of use. I wonder if I can smuggle the knives into the tactical vests of my dogs, especially when I head out in the future.
My first throw hits the centre of board, but since it's the handle that collided, it bounces pathetically onto the floor. Riley openly gapes at me. I'm the first one to hit the board, and it's my first try. Cole is on my other side looking ridiculously pissed off. His knife hits the air, landing mockingly a feet away from the target. Ha.My second one hits the exact same place as the first, but my lack of strength results in it clattering to the floor. Right, wooden board, not hay bales.I twist the third one in my hand. I wonder if they sell these in the Pit.Do Dauntless even carry weapons in the compound? My face scrunches in thought. That would be dangerous right? I think about the fights I've seen occur in the Pit when passing by. But Dauntless is dangerous. Maybe I'll ask Four. I pull my arm back to throw the last one. It sails faster than the previous two, thanks to my added force.
Dead centre. The 'thump' it creates makes the room silent. It's a noticeable sound, since its very different from the clanking of metal hitting concrete. A shit-eating smile spreads across my face, one that can compete with Eric's. Feels good.
After being bored out of my mind of hitting dead centre, with each knife too crammed to make way for another, I start to make patterns. At first I wanted to spell out words, as the task will occupy me and the result will be rewarding. But after close inspection of the board, I realize that my work wouldn't stand out among the other cuts in the wood. So, I decide to throw at different angles, trying to see if I can get the knife to tilt a certain way.
The other initiates are doing well, I think. No one has hit bullseye yet – other than me of course – but at least some of the knives are sticking on the board. Cole practically has smoke coming out of his ears. His face is red and his arms are tensed. Maybe he doesn't like being beaten by a girl, an Amitygirl to be exact. None of Riley's knives have stuck to the board, and it's been well past half an hour. I don't know how to tell her that she lacks the strength to do it, she's the most mousy one among all the girls. Sometimes I wonder why she even joined Dauntless. The Candor obviously has no experience with handling anything the training program has thrown at her. Perhaps she regretted choosing Dauntless from before, but now she seems to get along just fine, especially with Jace. A bit toofine in my opinion.
Eric comes storming into the training room after 45 minutes of practicing. It's amazing to see how Four's mood deflated – not that he was happy before. Eric looks enraged, his signature scowl on his face. He marches over to the other end of the room, with the stations furthest away from me. I keep my head low, currently helping Riley reposition herself after I grew frustrated by her lack of results. I don't try to meet his gaze, for the fear that he'll see right through me.
The leader stops at every single station, yelling and berating each initiate for their lack of skill. Four stands quietly behind me and the mousy girl, as far as possible from the crazed bull. I think he finds solace in me teaching Riley; specifically my irritation as I do so, judging by how he's hiding his smile. "Use your arm to generate the force, not your wrist." I say for the third time. Riley lets go of the knife; and for the first time, it sticks to the board. My knees almost buckle in relief. I have half the mind to demand she seek help from her boyfriend, she's his problem, not mine. Instead, I muster my best artificial smile and urge her to keep going. She appears to find it convincing. Maybe she wasn't cut out for Candor after all.
At one point, one of the Erudite girls starts sobbing, probably the one who isn't Ruby. Eric's barking suddenly becomes deadly quiet. I assume that he's whispering something in her ear, since I can't tell. Riley's face drains of colour as she watches, gulping. I glance at the my wooden board, the three knives are in a straight line that cut vertically down the centre. It won't do.I stride forward quickly pulled them out of the wood, throwing them slowly into the chipped-out centre before repeating the process. Please don't say anything.
The only reason why I know the rabid dog is close is the way Four shuffles away, moving to the other end of the room. Traitor. I have a well thought-out theory for Eric's livid mood: Today is Monday, which marks one week after the ceremony, which also marks a day after I saw him at the fence. Judging by the way he wasn't at dinner – no, I wasn't looking for him at all – he was probably at the fence. At the same spot, at the same time. If this were true, then it means that he finally believes that the guard is right, that the girl is no longer there. His anger can only be explained by the five stages of grief. Since denial has passed, he's now in anger. Of course, this whole speculation is based on the assumption that he did go to Amity yesterday and that he is the man on the fence. There is still a small, teeny possibility that the leader just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
"How are you still not hitting the centre, initiate?" I jolt from my thoughts. Eric's hissing to Riley.
"I-I-"
"Have you not been here for almost an hour?" Riley gulps and looks to his feet, Eric's back is hunched towards me. He's speaking to her like a child, with his hands on his knees. "From what I've seen, you've been getting help too." A shiver runs down my spine. He's been watching me. Riley makes an audible gulp. "So… either she's a horrible teacher – though her skills prove otherwise – and is purposely ensuring that you'll be kicked out by the end of the week… or you're just incredibly stupid… Which is it?" He tilts his head.
On another day, hearing those words should make me laugh, especially the way Riley squirms, twisting her hands like a child who's been caught stealing the cookies. But, I do want to know the answer. Riley has not particularly been a friend to me. If I look at it objectively, Riley has taken advantage of my false kindness. Her relationship of Jace is because of me, her competence to shoot is because of me and her ability to throw is because of me. Never have I ever ask her for any favours or help. What is she to me? "I don't expect silence initiate, I expect an answer." Eric's voice is deadly low; he speaks to her as if she's a retard.
"I-um." I don't understand Eric's intentions. Is he merely trying to embarrass her or is there more to it?
"So she's trying to edge you out of Dauntless?"
"No!" She blurts out. "Anna's been nothing but of help to me." She looks straight into his eyes as she says it. For once, she's confident and sure, like a true Candor. Perhaps she sees me as her friend.
"Then?"
Her head falls back to the ground, the strong woman now gone. "I'm just." Her neck strains as she swallows. "I'm just incredibly stupid."
Just like that, the mood shifts. "Good." Eric straightens his back, no longer invading her personal bubble. "Fix it." He takes a step closer. "I don't know if you're too dense to realise it, but tree-hugger over there is an initiate, just like you. And unlike you, she owes you nothing. You don't listen to Four when he teachs. And still, she holds your hand at every step of the way." I'm stunned. "So, if I ever see you act so selfishly again," He spits out the word like it's sand. "I'll see you out of Dauntless myself."
Whoa. Is this what Riley has been doing? It suddenly dawns on me that maybe she stood next to me on the first day because I'm from Amity. Because she knows that eventually I'll give in to help her. I think back to the first day. I did reach the station before she did. She must've known that unlike her, I know what I'm doing. My confidence and lack of hesitation must've hinted her that I'm someone who would do well. I grip the table to steady myself, suddenly glad that Eric blocks her from seeing most of me.
Do I feel betrayed?
No. No, I don't. This is the reason why I stopped making friends. It's back to primary school all over again. It was when I was eight where I learned that my friends were not my friends at all. They took advantage of my brains, something I inherited from my dad. They used me, knowing full well I'll help them because of my Amity origins, just like Riley now.
My back straightens, replicating Eric's. Riley nods, there are tears brimming her eyes. I can't bring myself to care. Is this why she accepts my smiles as genuine? Because she knows that whether I like it or not, she'll still get the help she needs. Eric walks off, satisfied after driving his threat home. Riley looks up to me pleadingly, like what he just said was a lie, like she isn't just using me. I don't know what to believe. So I do what I know best since I was eight, I pretend.
Eric exits the training room after that. I'm not sure if he looks back, for I fight the urge to see him. Knife-throwing resumes. Most of the initiates improve. They are more determined, albeit slightly shaken. Even Riley lands an occasional bullseye. She tried explaining to me, but I wave it off and said that I didn't believe a single word the demented leader spat out. Johanna would be proud of how Amity I'm being. One definite good thing that came from the whole exchange is that Riley no longer asks for help. I'm bored, but at least I'm no longer frustrated. I decide to take up the idea of spelling out a name using the marks I create when throwing the knives. The end result isn't obvious, but it's there. It spells 'Eric'.
Our second fights commences after lunch. I'm up against Ruby. Just like Mark, I give her time to showcase her punches and kicks until she's burnt out before I yank her and hit her carotid sinus. I grab onto her waist before she falls, waiting for Four to help me get her off the ring. Eric doesn't make an appearance for the rest of the day. Everyone's pretty thankful over that. Riley loses to one of the boys, she isn't as badly injured as last time when I pull her off the mat. I don't extend help to improve her combat skills.
After training, I decide to stay behind to continue, a late dinner would help me avoid the Dauntless-born. Four doesn't stay behind – not that he should – informing me that he has a shift in the control room after dinner. I don't mind.
There is truth in Eric's words. Looking at it in hindsight, everything makes perfect sense. However, I don't believe Riley is this scheming. Riley is Candor, not Erudite. Though it is possible to fake facial gestures, one can't fake your face flushing into different colours. So perhaps her intentions aren't totally evil. Maybe she's just a girl who needs help and takes advantage of me with no hidden agenda or ill intentions. After wasting minutes of my life pondering on the possibilities, I decide that I don't want to think about the mousy sickly girl anymore; she's not worth getting a headache for.
My thoughts move to Eric. He somewhat stood up for me. I doubt he has done to same to anyone, much less an initiate. My heart flutters and blood rushes to my cheeks. He's really sweet. My hands go to cup my face. Really sweet. I'm giddy like a fool because people don't stand up for those they don't care about. The fact that Eric Coulter did it, means that there must be more to it.
There's no denying it now; Eric Coulter likes me.
I'm about to start skipping and spinning around like an Amity on peace serum but I don't. Or maybe he hates weaklings. My shoulders slump. It's a huge possibility; maybe he hates people being unable to stand on their own two feet. This sounds like the malicious side the young leader is known for, which makes it a very high probability. It too, is a more logical reason. I groan and facepalm myself in defeat.
I break into a run. Events of today aside, I still had to address the elephant in the room. That is: Eric being the man on the fence. Should I tell him? But what good would it do? Would he question how I knew it was him? He might find out about my divergence, since only an Erudite would be able to piece such information together. Is divergence a problem though? My parents have warned me about it, which led them to tell me how to get a Dauntless result for my amptitude test. They didn't tell me who I'm supposed to hide this information from. The Erudite side of me says that it's probably Eric. He's working with Jeanine, and dad tells me Jeanine is a little queer and paranoid to begin with. The Amity side says that Eric would never hurt me, even if his orders are to kill any divergents he finds. But the amity side, is the foolish, naïve side. Just because the young leader is fond of me doesn't mean he'll go great lengths to protect me. I could just be his newest infatuation.
I won't take the risk, especially when the stakes are high. If Eric decides to hunt me down for my divergence, I'll be letting down my parents, Johanna, John and all that've helped me. My dogs. Never mind not seeing them again, but how will they continue once they realise that I'm never coming back? There's only so much peace serum John can give them, having them live off it for the rest of their lives is torture to my eyes.
I won't tell Eric. But I can't continue on like nothing's changed either. It eats me up inside to see him suffering and doing nothing about it, especially when I am the cause and the solution – I hope. The five stages of grief ends with acceptance. I'll just have to hope that I can ignore him till he reaches there, then everything will be fine.
I pray it will be.
A/N
Anna is complicated. She thinks too much.
Kinda meh about the italics on her thoughts, they mix too much with her actions. I hope I can figure out a balance eventually; too much sets me off.
I'm excited for the following chapter. It's kinda comical and cute. I'll try to update tomorrow, but I have a graduation ceremony and dinner to attend. We'll see ;)
I'm writing the later chapters and find Eric very... odd. I kinda wanna write in his POV to make his absence justifiable. I'll just pass it off as him being busy and doing 'leader' work for now. *Cue self strangling in the background*
Yestreday's chapter was kinda choppy. (sorry ':P) I'll find time to fix it. Hopefully.