Chapter 138
Tegan felt the adrenaline rush through her veins as the car pulled up to the entrance of the Greek Theatre. She looked up and saw their names larger than life above the entrance and looked at Sara nervously. Sara gave her a calm smile. Fans were already camped outside and having fun on this warm and sunny Saturday morning. The convoy of cars stopped in front of the artist entrance.
Tegan and Sara sat wordlessly, waiting for security to open the SUV's door and to accompany them inside. "Isn't there another entrance?" asked Sara looking at the fans crowding the barricades. "Sorry... it's this or the front entrance. We'll have it cordoned off better by the time you're done with sound check" said the security guard. Tegan looked at Sara, she was clearly rattled by the amount of screaming fans. "Sara... they're not all like her... they're not all troubled" said Tegan referring to Carmen. "I know... I'm fine. Just glad Kate's not with us right now" said Sara. "You don't have to stop and chat Sar... head down and move inside" said Tegan. Sara nodded. "Dave... I want security to accompany Kate and Lindsey at all times today... Kate's probably going to complain but just tell her your following orders. Get extra people if you need to" said Sara. "That's the plan Ms Quin. Relax... we've got this" smiled the security manager.
Security opened the door and Tegan got out first. Jeremy waited outside and as always it made Tegan feel safe. She waited for Sara and waived at the fans. "Hey guys... Good to see you! We'll do some photos after the show... we're just a bit pressed for time right now" said Tegan. Sara got out and wordlessly started walking towards the stage door looking pale. Tegan had her hand on the small of her back protectively. The fans were screaming Sara's name, desperate for attention. Sara reached the door and turned around. She smiled a weak smile and put her hand up in a wave before walking inside. Tegan was making small talk. "Get into the shade guys and drink lots of water" said Tegan to the fans. "Tegan get in here" said Sara annoyed. Tegan walked inside. "Calm down... everything's okay" said Tegan softly.
Once inside the safety of the empty amphitheater Sara calmed down and cheered up significantly. Tegan on the other hand was fumbling around and messing up during sound check. "Sorry guys... sorry... I don't know what happened" she said time and again and looked at her shoelaces. Jeremy brought her some water. "You've got this buddy" he winked. Sound check lasted a reasonably long time, there was plenty of kinks to iron out. Tegan stared out at the almost 6000 empty seats. She felt her pulse and breathing speed up. "Tegan... Tegan!" said Sara loudly to get Tegan out of her daze. "What?" said Tegan annoyed wiping her brow. "Did you hear a word I was saying?" asked Sara. Tegan looked at her wordlessly for a few seconds. "Can I take a bathroom break" she said emotionless. Sara rolled her eyes. "Off you go" she said and rolled her eyes. "You okay Tegan?" asked Jeremy as Tegan marched past him. "Yeah I'm great" mumbled Tegan. She sat down on the closed toilet seat and put her head against the wall. "Fuck... what am I doing" she whispered. She took her inhaler out of her pocket and took two large puffs. The medicine quickly counteracted her anxiety and she felt her airways open up. Tegan sat like that for a few minutes, trying to give herself a pep talk. It had the opposite effect. Tegan felt more anxious by the minute.
Tegan walked back out onto the stage and picked up her guitar. Kate appeared at the far entrance of the venue. "Helloooo" she shouted with a massive smile on her face. "I've got somebody that would like to see you" she shouted. Sonia, Stephen and Bruce appeared behind her. Tegan grinned and ran off stage. "Well there goes sound check" said Sara annoyed. "Take 5 guys" yelled Tegan. She jogged up to her parents and fell into her dad's arms. Stephen lifted his daughter into the air and spun around. "My baby girl" he whispered. He put Tegan down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Look at you! You are looking fantastic Scrapper" he said with a smile. "Thanks Dad... getting there" smiled Tegan. Sonia and Bruce caught up to Stephen and they greeted Tegan and Sara enthusiastically. "Thanks for being here today guys... It really means the world to us" said Sara.
Tegan finished sound check feeling a bit calmer with her parents watching. "Okay, Mom, you'll be staying with us while the dads will be staying with Sara and Kate" said Tegan. "Don't worry you won't have to be roomies guys... there are two spare rooms" joked Sara. The group walked towards the exit. Sonia put her arms around Tegan and Sara's shoulders and pulled them closer leaving the rest to go ahead without them. "You two okay?" asked Sonia. "Uh huh" said Tegan, perhaps too fast. "Yeah all good" smiled Sara. "I can't wait for the show tonight. I'm so proud of you" said Sonia.
The parents were given a tour of Tegan and Lindsey's new home before the dads were whisked away by Alex for an outing to a Dodgers practice session. "Alex must be so relieved to have some guys around again" laughed Tegan. "Let's have an early lunch before you two take a nap" said Kate. "Glad to see you're strict with them Kate" said Sonia. "Yeah, you've got some competition when it comes to mothering" said Tegan. "We had a deal" said Kate. "No you and Tegan had a deal!" said Sara laughing. Kate lifted her eyebrows and pulled a face. "And I just like pleasing you so I'll do whatever you tell me to" said Sara throwing her arms around Kate's neck.
Tegan was quiet and distant during lunch. She pushed her food around her plate unenthusiastically. "Tegan... I'm sure Lindsey didn't spend the morning making lunch for you so that you can push it around" said Sonia. Tegan was somewhat startled and sat up. "I'm sorry" she mumbled and started eating slowly. "I can't take credit for it Sonia... Erin had her chef send it over. They don't want me on my feet cooking. They are spoiling us rotten" said Lindsey. "That's quite handy having a friend with a chef" joked Sonia. Tegan felt her stomach turn nervously. She took a large gulp of water and started coughing as some of it entered the wrong way. Kate frowned. "You okay Tee?" she asked. Tegan kept coughing, her face red. Lindsey was hitting Tegan on the back. Kate got up fast and stood behind Tegan. Tegan was coughing and wheezing more now. "Okay calm down and breathe in through your nose" said Kate calmly. Tegan was relieved to find that it worked quite well. Her eyes were watering but she managed to take a deep breath. Everybody was now hovering over her. "I'm okay... Jeez calm down guys it was just a bit of water that went down the wrong way" said Tegan and got up annoyed. "Excuse me" she said and walked into the garden. Lindsey got up. "Leave her" said Sara. "She needs some time alone" said Sara watching Tegan pace up and down in the garden.
After a few minutes Tegan kicked off her shoes and sat down with her feet dangling in the pool. She felt the warm rays of the sun on her skin. It was as if the cool water extinguished the fire in her. She looked up to see Kate walking out of the house with her hands casually in her pockets. "It's getting late... it's time for you to go inside so we can get you on that IV" said Kate. "Okay... do I really need it?" said Tegan. "You do... trust me, you're going to feel a lot better with it than without it. This is just going to boost your electrolytes... boost your blood volume, energy. It will make you feel good" said Kate. "What will you be drinking during the show?" asked Kate. "Mmmm, I dunno water and red bull" said Tegan. "You will not drink red bull under any circumstances" said Kate looking horrified. "Why?" asked Tegan innocently. "Because I don't want you to go into tachycardia" said Kate. "Into what? I don't understand your medical gibberish" said Tegan. "I don't want you to have the jitters and your heart to race like a freight train or go into an uncontrolled rhythm Tegan. You're not used to energy drinks and you're on meds. I'll bring you some special hydration drinks and you can have some honey, lemon and ginger tea. That's about it... and no coffee for god's sake" said Kate. "Okay, alright... I think I'll take my little flask with tea on stage then" said Tegan. "Yes! Good idea... tea for Tee" said Kate.
Tegan walked past Lindsey, Sonia and Sara in the living room. "Sorry guys" she said softly. Lindsey smiled. "It's okay sweetheart, go get some rest now. Big night" said Sonia. Lindsey got up and took Tegan's hand. "I can do with a nap too!" said Lindsey yawning, holding her large belly. Tegan lay down on her bed and stared at the ceiling as Kate inserted the IV line carefully. "Okay... try and relax and get some rest. We'll do the nebulising later at the venue. I'll be outside if you need me" said Kate. "Thanks Kate" said Tegan softly. She turned on her side and took Lindsey into her arms. "I'm scared shitless Linds" she whispered. "You're going to be great baby... don't be scared" said Lindsey kissing Tegan's fingers. "Hmmmm" grunted Tegan. "Shhh... try and get a bit of sleep now" said Lindsey.
"Go take a nap in the spare room Sara" said Sonia. "No mom, that's your room, you go, I'll hit the couch" said Sara. Sonia got up and took her youngest's hand. Kate walked past. "I'm taking my baby for a nap" winked Sonia. "Cool, I'm going to chill on the patio in the hammock" said Kate. Sonia lay down next to Sara and took her hand. "Sara... Thank you for taking such good care of your sister these last few months. I was never worried because I knew she had you with her" said Sonia. "I didn't really... Tegan's very capable of taking care of herself... truth be told she took care of me just as much as I took care of her" said Sara. "I know... I'm so happy that you two have each other" said Sonia.
Neither Tegan nor Sara managed to get any sleep but they were quiet and relaxed for an hour. Tegan tried a few relaxation techniques that seemed to work a little bit. Lindsey was out like a light and Tegan smiled as she looked at the drool running down the corner of her mouth. Tegan felt like a kid that wasn't allowed to get up from her nap until the teacher told her to. She played with her wedding ring thinking about the performance awaiting them. She felt more and more anxious. She saw Kate's head pop around the corner. "Oh... you're awake... did you get any sleep?" whispered Kate checking the progress of the drip. "I got some rest... but I didn't get any sleep" whispered Tegan. "Well... at least you tried" said Kate. "This guy's got about 10 minutes or so left. I'll be back" said Kate and left.
Kate removed the IV fifteen minutes later and took Sara home to get ready for the show. Tegan stood under the hot shower and tried to sing to get her mind off the show. It didn't work. She hastily finished her shower and walked into the room wearing a robe. "Hair and makeup is in the living room, courtesy of Erin" said Lindsey. "Since when do I need hair and makeup" said Tegan annoyed. The phone on the bed started ringing. Tegan picked it up. "Hair and makeup E? Seriously?" she said and started laughing. "Okay okay... I get it... thanks my friend... you're the coolest. See you soon" said Tegan before hanging up. "She sent a team to Sara's place too... She said she don't want us tiring ourselves out before the show... and she wants us to look really good because they're recording and live streaming it. Hmmm, forgot about the live streaming" said Tegan suddenly looking slightly pale. "It's going to be fine baby... come on... sit down... have some honey and ginger tea... relax" said Lindsey.
"You guys are staying to help Lindsey and my mom too right?" said Tegan. "Of course we are" said the hairstylist fiddling around with Tegan's wet hair. "Can you cut?" asked Tegan out of the blue. "Oh sweetheart... can I cut... you're cute" said the very camp man. Tegan looked at her very shaggy, much longer than usual hair in the mirror. She yanked out her phone and showed him a photo of her Heartthrob hair at its best. "Do it" she smiled.
"What are you doing baby?" asked Lindsey when she walked in on the hair cutting. "I look like a shaggy dog... I can't go out and do the most important show of my life with bad hair" said Tegan. "But... I love your hair longer" said Lindsey. "Sweetie... it was messy... I had split ends... it was just a big no-no. I'll grow it out for you again at some stage but right now... I need attitude... I need hair that says Tegan's back and she means business" said Tegan staring into the mirror looking determined. "You go girl" said the stylist and gave a mock roar. Tegan looked at Lindsey and both burst out laughing.
Sara and Kate pulled into Tegan's driveway where she was already waiting looking every bit the rock star. She was wearing a black tailored blazer, a dark grey v-neck shirt, black skinny jeans and her favourite boots. Her hair and makeup looked amazing. The makeup was subtle and stylish. "Look at you!" said Kate as she got out of the car. "Well look at you two! You clean up well" mocked Tegan. "Love the hair Tee... you look great" said Sara. "Thanks! So do you. Let's go!" said Tegan. "Katy, you're in charge of getting Lindsey and Mom there on time okay. I know we have hours left but you don't know these two... they can faff around for ages" said Sara and kissed Kate. "I can handle it" joked Kate. "Okay, enough thank you... kissing later... music now" said Tegan holding the door of the SUV open. "See you there guys. Tegan, we should be there no more than 45 minutes behind you. We have to do the nebulising okay... don't be busy with other things!" said Kate. "Yeah yeah... Okay... let's go, let's go" said Tegan clapping her hands together to get rid of her built up energy and anxiety.
Tegan didn't say a word on the way to the venue and stared out of the window blankly. "You okay?" asked Sara. "Uh huh" Tegan grunted. Getting into the venue was much more private this time around to Sara's delight. Fans were kept far away. They did a last quick sound check before heading to the dressing room with the band. "Guys... I want to take a moment to thank you for sticking with us through these last few months. You're always there for us and it's such a relief to know... to know that we never have to worry about you guys bringing it on the day... Today's no different... we have every confidence in you guys. I know you've always got our backs and that's an incredible gift. Let's go out there and kill it tonight" said Sara. Tegan looked petrified. "What she said" she said and swallowed hard. "I know we usually hang out before the show but can I ask you guys to give us some time alone tonight?" asked Sara. "Of course Sara... we'll be right next door if you need us. Don't worry guys. Tonight's going to be magic" smiled Ted before the band left the room.
Tegan's knee bounced up and down nervously. "Deep breaths Tegan" said Sara. "Yeah... deep breaths" Tegan repeated. Kate walked in a few minutes later with a VIP All Access pass around her neck. "Okay let's do this" she said grabbing her bag standing in the corner. "Tegan, I'm going to do a quick exam, just so I can have some base line vitals" said Kate. "Okay" whispered Tegan. "Have they opened the gates?" asked Sara. "Yup, venue is filling up" said Kate. "Where's Lindsey?" asked Tegan. "She's outside talking to the band" said Kate. "I need Lindsey" said Tegan nervously. "Okay... I'll go get her" said Sara. Tegan felt sweaty already and she took her jacket off. Kate calmly listened to her lungs. "Did you remember your inhaler?" she asked. "Yeah... I'm pretty much glued to the thing" said Tegan. "Okay relax for me... your heart is racing" said Kate. "I'm trying" said Tegan annoyed. Kate continued her examination. "BP's on the low side. Good thing we gave you some IV fluids this afternoon. Don't worry, it's probably just the nerves causing it. Sats are looking okay" said Kate looking at pulse ox meter.
"Lindsey" said Tegan quickly when her wife entered the room. "Hey Boo! You okay?" asked Lindsey putting her hand on Tegan's shoulder. "I am now... You look so beautiful" smiled Tegan. "Thank you angel. Let's get some of these knots out of your shoulders" said Lindsey as she started massaging Tegan's tight shoulders. Sara sat down on a couch watching Tegan nervously. "Alright... everything else looks normal but your blood sugar is a bit low. You'll need to eat something after the nebulising, you too Sara" said Kate. Tegan nodded with her eyes closed as she enjoyed Lindsey's massage.
Kate handed Tegan a mouth piece connected to the nebuliser. "Okay... you know what to do" she said. Tegan looked at the mist coming out of the mouth piece. She put it into her mouth and took some deep breaths. She breathed comfortably and it made her feel a bit more relaxed. "You... are good to go. You're going to be just fine my friend" said Kate after a few minutes and switched the machine off. There was a soft knock on the door. "Come in" said Sara. "Erin, Alex, Jeremy, Sonia, Stephen and Bruce" walked in. "Hi superstars!" said Alex. "You two look amazing" said Erin hugging them both. "Thanks" whispered Tegan. "We just wanted to pop in really quickly to wish you good luck... we're so proud of you" said Sonia. "You're going to be great" said Stephen. Tegan nodded looking scared. "The pre-show will be starting in about 30 minutes. It's all for you so we'd love it if you could join us in the audience for it. We've saved you some seats" said Erin. "Um... sure... we'll try" said Tegan. Erin looked disappointed. "We'll be there Erin" said Sara. "We're going to go now and give you guys some alone time" said Lindsey. "Linds" said Tegan, her eyes gleaming with tears. "It's okay... I'll see you during the pre-show sweetie" said Lindsey and kissed Tegan. "Okay" whispered Tegan holding on to Lindsey. "My hot rock star" whispered Lindsey before kissing Tegan again. "I love you" said Tegan softly.
The gang left and Tegan paced around. "I'm just going sneak a quick look at the crowd" said Tegan. "Tee no" said Sara but Tegan walked out of the room. Sara followed her to the side of the stage. Tegan peeped at the audience. She started breathing faster as she saw the thousands of seats filling up fast. She ran back to the dressing room. Her face was filled with sheer terror. "Sit down and relax Tegan" said Sara. Tegan sat down. She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands swaying from side to side. She sat like that for a while. Sara noticed her body starting to shake. "Tegan" she said softly. Tegan let out a sob. "I can't do this... I can't... I'm sorry Sara" said Tegan.
"I'm sorry... what?" said Sara confused. "I can't... I... every time I think of going out on stage in front of all those people I feel as if I'm having a heart attack... it just all comes back to me... that night... that fucked up night" sobbed Tegan. "Tegan... it's okay... you're fine... You're not sick anymore... you're going to be fine" said Sara rubbing Tegan's back. "I can't" sobbed Tegan. "You can" said Sara sternly. Tegan got up and ran to the en-suite bathroom. She violently vomited into the toilet, again and again. Sara held her hair back and rubbed her back. "You see... fuck... it's just like last time" she said through sobs before blowing her nose and rinsing her mouth. "Tegan... you're just nervous... you're not sick. Stop it now... stop thinking about that day... I want you to think about the best show you've ever had. Think about that amazing high" said Sara. "No, no... I'm going to fuck up I know it" said Tegan plonking down on a couch. "Tegan... you can do this" said Sara, completely forgetting about her own nerves. "I'm sorry Sara... I don't think I can" said Tegan.
"Okay... I hear you... but Tegan... I want you to know that this is it... I can handle anything, I can handle you fucking up... you can fuck up a million times nobody will even mind... everyone will just be so damn happy to see you back on stage. But I can't handle you not even trying... dammit Tegan I know you went through a lot... we all did... it's time to shit or get off the pot... If we don't do this... it's the end... and I'll be okay with that. I really will. I don't want you to feel you owe me anything. I would hate for this to end... but I understand where you're coming from. I understand" said Sara through tears.
Tegan stared out in front of her. "Don't do this Sara" she said as tears started flowing again. "Tegan... it's okay... but the thing is... if you can't do it tonight you won't be able to do it six months from now... or a year from now" said Sara. "I will" said Tegan, her voice breaking. Sara shook her head in pity. "Tee... let's go watch the pre-show. You can make your final decision after that" said Sara looking hurt. "I don't want to watch the fucking pre-show" said Tegan loudly. "Erin and whoever is performing put a lot of time and effort into this and we're going to respect that and watch the show" said Sara. Tegan was curled up on the couch bawling. "Calm down now... fix your make up... We have ten minutes. It's okay... I'm here for you" said Sara. After a couple of minutes Tegan got up and walked to the bathroom. She vomited again but continued to brush her teeth and fix her makeup.
Five minutes later the girls were standing at the stage door. "It's okay Tee... whatever happens... you're still the person I love and respect most in this world... I hope you know that" said Sara. Tegan gave another quick sob, she wanted to reply but couldn't. Sara put her hand on Tegan's back and led her out into the amphitheater. "I've got you Tee" she said softly. Fans noticed their idols walking to their VIP seats and started cheering loudly. Security was tight and the VIP section very secure, keeping the fans at bay. Tegan looked out in front of her, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. Sara smiled and waved. She greeted some friends and family. Ellen patted Tegan on the back as she walked past but Tegan couldn't force herself to turn around, she was simply trying to keep her sobs in.
Tegan sat down next to Lindsey and took her hand. "Baby? Oh my god are you okay?" asked Lindsey looking scared when she saw Tegan's swollen, red eyes. "I'm fine" whispered Tegan and faked a smile. "What's up with Tegan?" asked Kate when Sara sat down next to her. "She's fucking freaking out... she doesn't want to go on stage... she's petrified. She vomited like three times" said Sara. "And she wondered why I gave he extra fluids. It's just nerves" said Kate. "I don't know what to do Kate... what do I do... This is fucking serious... She's lost it... She has to do this. I have to pull her out of this" said Sara, her own tears building again. "Fuck... listen just give her a few minutes... she'll relax once she has something to take her mind off herself" said Kate.
The sky was a gorgeous mixture of orange, pink and blue as the sun started setting in the west. Erin appeared on stage and the crowd went nuts. "Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to a very special show. It's a glorious Californian evening and we have a great evening planned for you" said Erin. She looked amazing, pregnancy obviously agreed with her. Erin looked down at Tegan sunk down low in her seat. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Tegan looking distressed. "Um..." she mumbled, suddenly at a loss for words. She took a second to compose herself.
"When Tegan and Sara first started planning their so-called "comeback" show they were wondering who to invite as their support act. So many people were just fighting for this gig! When you've been in the industry for as many years as Tegan and Sara you make a lot of really great friends, especially when you're as incredibly special as there two. They were pretty preoccupied with putting together a great show for you so they left the pre-show up to me. How lucky am I! People started contacting me wanting to be a part of this great night. So tonight we'll be welcoming not one but many guest artists, each performing a special song for somebody that they respect and admire" said Erin. The large audience went wild. Tegan sat biting her fist. She felt nauseous, her heart felt as if it was beating out of her chest. She took a puff from her inhaler and closed her eyes tight.
A/N: Oh Tee Tee :( Don't do this! Review please!