I used to know my place was a spot next to you

Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat

Seventh Year

February 25, 1977

It had been a week. A whole week since she'd ruined everything. Even Sirius had given up on asking, knowing James wouldn't tell him anything.

A week, James thought, had never felt so long.

That night a week ago, James had taken off into the forest using his animagus form. In that form he didn't feel as much. Mentally, he was still him, but as Prongs he relied more on instinct rather than emotion. He thought it would be the perfect escape, but Lily Evans was more powerful in his mind now more than ever. Even though he could escape the acute pain, he couldn't escape the feeling that he wasn't running for fun as he usually did with his friends, but he was running from something. And even as Prongs, he knew exactly what that was.

The change had been jarring when he'd returned to his human form. All the emotion he'd pushed away as Prongs washed over him in a tidal wave of overwhelming sensation the second he'd transitioned. James broke down for the second time that night; this time with no one around to hear his sobs or see when it had all gotten too much and he'd turned his anger on the thick trunk of a nearby oak tree.

As his fist connected with the trunk of the tree James heard the sickening crunch, and felt the little bones in his hand shatter at the contact. He gladly welcomed the physical pain it brought, almost matching that in his chest where his heart had been. He returned at sunrise to his dorm room, broken, beaten, and bloody– the shredded skin around knuckles dripping blood down his hands before he angrily wiped them against his robes, reveling in the shooting pain the movement caused.

Sirius sat up at the sound of his return. James allowed him to treat his hands and said nothing. In a move unlike himself, Sirius completed the healing incantations then fell silent. James tensed when Sirius opened his mouth to speak.

"Hit the showers mate."

The tension in James' shoulders relaxed and he gave a mumbled response before turning and heading into the bathroom.

Once he had finished washing the grime of the forest and his own blood from his body, James returned to his four-poster and drew the curtains, shutting the light out.

He slept the day away, and his friends let him. That night he again left for the forest, and returned as beaten and bloody as the night before. This time it was Remus who tended his wounds when he returned, and sent him off to the showers. Again, he crawled into his bed and pulled the curtains, shutting out the world; and again they let him.

But it had been a week. A whole week. A whole week since she'd ruined everything. And after a week, it seemed, his friends had decided enough was enough.

As he made to leave the dorm, he found Sirius in his path. James gave him a rough shove and stepped around him, just to find Sirius right in his path again. James tried again to no avail. Sighing, he glanced over to Remus for help– it seemed he was not above begging when it came to escaping this.

"No," Remus' tone was unrelenting as he stood to join Sirius by the door.

Peter nervously stood as well.

James weighed his options in his head.

"C'mon mate," Sirius cut in, "I can see you thinking it through right now. You can't take all three of us."

He knew Sirius was right.

Remus saw the understanding in his face and calmly walked back to his bed and picked up his book. Peter took his cue, returning to his bed as well.

"We gave you space-" Sirius started.

"I-"

"For once in your life just listen," Sirius said, without any of the inherent amusement in his tone that James had come to know from his friend.

"We gave you space. Didn't make you talk about it. Merlin, you think it's been easy for any of us letting you mope about the place and then sleep all day, coming back each morning worse-off than you were before?"

"I'm not moping!" James snapped.

"That's exactly what you're doing."

"You don't even know what happened. And I'm sorry that I'm not handling this all how YOU think I should be!"

"I would handle it TEN TIMES BETTER! Prongs, come on! We all know it's Evans. She's the only thing that could make you act like this. Finally sacked you off, I bet, but MOVE ON, mate!"

"Move on? Move on?" James was incredulous. How could any of them think he could simply move on from Lily. She was everything to him.

"Yeah, move on! I know the concept is new to you– been pining over the same bird for the better part of the last seven years– but really! I get that she's fit or whatever, but other than that I can't see what you even saw in her. She's insanely bossy, not to mention controlling, she can't take a joke for shit, generally a rather boring girl," Sirius continued, ignoring James' burning glare, "She made a fool of you for most of our time here, bloody chit's always stringing blokes along. In fact, I bet that's exactly what she did to you– just to know that she could– well that and have a bloody laugh at your expense-"

He was cut-off as James lunged, his right fist catching Sirius in the eye, and he tackled him to the ground. The pair rolled about on the carpet of their dormitory, trading punches when they could.

"While you've been off moping," Sirius continued, though now out of breath, "You seem to have forgotten that you actually have some responsibilities at this school! Who do you think has been running bloody practice? I've been running them rugged just so they wouldn't keep asking where you were. And-"

James landed a blow to Sirius' ribs, cutting him off. Really, he knew, he could not take Sirius in a fight. Sirius was what his mother described as "scrappy" despite, or maybe because of, having been raised by the Blacks.

Sirius retaliated with a swift punch to the jaw, sending James' head ringing, and continuing with his stinging monologue.

"And you know when you're like this it sends Pete into a right state! Who do you think has been covering all your damn Head Boy duties? Did you even stop to think how hard this week has been for Moony with the full moon coming up?"

James wavered. He hadn't thought all that much about how this would affect his friends. Sirius used James' hesitation to his advantage and pinned him to the ground, restraining James' hands in one of his own and pressing a knee to the small of his back.

"Alright, that's more than enough," Remus said, finally standing. He glared at Sirius, "I told you not to say anything."

Sirius just shrugged, releasing James.

"Potter," Remus continued, now looking at James, "hit the showers. And Black?-" he looked around to where Sirius now paced by the door.

"Cool off."

James thought Sirius rather had more to say, but both boys followed Remus' orders and went their separate ways.

James took his time in the shower, letting the hot water soothe his tense muscles and wash over his newly forming bruises. By the time he returned to the room, Sirius seemed to have cooled off completely and was leaning against the wall– his normal, carefree self.

Sirius pushed off the wall and walked over to James.

"We good?" he offered his hand, a touch of apprehension coloring his features.

"Yeah, 'course mate," James told him, giving Sirius' hand a firm shake and smiling slightly. His expression lightened even further at James' affirmation.

"S' my idea of course, figured you needed to start punching something that could punch you back."

At this James managed his first laugh in weeks, and he felt the remaining tension drain from the room with the sound.

Seventh Year

February 26, 1977

James woke and rolled over, groaning. His tussle with Sirius, following a week of romping around the woods had left his body bruised and sore all over. He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table, putting them on and seeing Sirius having a similar reaction this morning.

Sirius met his eye, and they shared a look, saying nothing more. Soon the other two were up and the four of them headed down for breakfast together for the first time in a week.

At the door to the Great Hall, James paused. His tussle with Sirius had tired him out, and the boys had kept him occupied, updating him on everything he had missed in the past week. Between those two things, James had had no time to think about Lily– about what it would be like to see her now.

The other three hadn't noticed the pause in his steps– or if they did, they didn't call him on it. He sped up a half pace to fall back in line with his friends as they entered the Hall. His eyes scanned the Great Hall for Lily before he could catch himself. He found her seated with her friends, laughing and chatting away. A twinge of bitter resentment hit him. Why should she be so happy when he had just spent the past week in agony.

He quickly looked away, but not quick enough. As if she'd felt someone watching her, Lily looked around and caught his eye for a second. In that second he saw a hundred different things flit through, before closing him out– as she had always been so good at doing.

James faltered as he was hit by the realization that it would now matter where he chose to sit. He and his friends had started sitting with the girls at the beginning of the year when he and Lily had first become friends. Marlene, Mary, and Alice, had become not Lily's friends but their friends.

He was saved by Sirius, who exclaimed loudly, "Oh good, tomatoes, my favorite!" sitting down in front of the platter and yanking James to sit next to him. Peter settled on James' other side and James smiled as he watched Sirius, who he knew for a fact despised grilled tomatoes at breakfast, served himself two heaping portions.

Remus allowed himself a snort under his breath at Sirius' antics before he set off to greet Lily and her friends. He had, of course, been friends with Lily well before James had, so it was only fair; but James noticed with a twitch of satisfaction that the conversation seemed stilted and Remus wouldn't meet Lily's eyes.

None of his friends knew what had happened, and he intended on keeping it that way for as long as he could. Let them think that he'd simply fancied her and in the end she hadn't fancied him as much– the truth was too humiliating to admit even to his closest friends.

Remus rejoined them and they ate together and laughed at Sirius' valiant attempts to consume the tomatoes he's globbed onto his plate. The whole thing was very theatrical, with Sirius even at one point pantomiming being sick after swallowing a particularly large forkful of tomato. James knew Sirius meant to distract him and was struck by overwhelming gratitude for his best friend. At Sirius' next round over the top theatrics, James couldn't contain it and let out a big barking laugh, feeling more at peace than he had in a week. Sirius, knowing he had successfully distracted James, and that he now had an audience; so he continued on– even begging Remus, at one point, to take them away from him in a manner that was, frankly, shakespearean.

James' laughter died a swift death as he heard a hiss over his shoulder. Turning, he saw Lily had left the breakfast table, rather abruptly, with her roommates trailing behind her. The hiss had come from Mary McDonald who had lingered behind the group, and now gave James a withering stare before following after her friends.

He let out a sigh and fought the urge to bury his face in his hands. If his time with Lily had taught him anything, it was that Hogwarts loved nothing more than a juicy piece of gossip. Of course, this had never bothered him before as it was how he ascertained information about Lily's personal life that she would have never told him before they started dating. But once they got together the rumor mill went into overdrive, and Lily had imparted on him some of the sage wisdom of one long gossiped about: your reaction is half the story.

If you acted unbothered or unsurprised by anything that came your way, everyone would just assume this was news not even worth being talked about.

He'd been amazed when she'd told him this. He had never even stopped to consider any of the gossip about him. When she'd scoffed at this, he reminded her that if he said he had listened to the gossip about him, she would have scoffed at him anyways but instead for his ego.

Your reaction is half the story.

He took her sage wisdom now, continuing to laugh along with the others even if it was noticeably fake to his friends.