Chapter 139
Sonia leaned forward and looked past Lindsey at Tegan. Tegan closed her eyes and threw her head back in an attempt to keep her emotions from overflowing again. Sara turned her head and looked at Sonia. Sonia's face was a question mark. "It's okay" mouthed Sara nodding. Tegan opened her eyes and gave a stifled sob. Sara put her hand on Tegan's thigh and patted it. "Please welcome our first, very special guest artist for the evening. Ladies and Gentlemen... Mr Ryan Adams" said Erin, the crowd went nuts.
Ryan sat down at the grand piano. "Thank you so much. Thank you Tegan and Sara. You guys inspire me. I'm so happy to be part of this special evening. Welcome back! I was told to keep it short so I'm going to stop yacking soon. When Tegan and Sara were on tour with me they absolutely loved this song and every night, when the crowd was gone, and it was just us... and the cleaners... they'd get me to play it for them and they'd sing it with me. So this is for you guys... one more time" smiled Ryan and started playing "Goodnight, Hollywood Blvd". Tegan was a mess, she was in tears with the first note. Lindsey squeezed her hand tight. "Love you guys" said Ryan as he ended off. He gave a bow and a wave and left the stage.
Erin appeared again as Ryan left the stage. Tegan was still squirming in her chair. The crowd was still cheering. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the one and only Mr Jack Johnson" said Erin. Jack sat down on a stool with his guitar. Jack bantered a bit and praised the girls before stating "This song is called Good People... and it's for two of the best people I know"
The loving continued. The Courtneys was next and Jen made an emotional speech about her cousins, how much she loved them and looked up to them. "I remember them babysitting me and we used to rock out to this one blaring on MTV" she said. Tegan finally cracked a smile before the band started playing a cover of "Girls just wanna have fun". Next up was The Killers who again praised their friends before singing a beautiful acoustic version of "Smile like you mean it"
Next Taylor Swift appeared on stage after a quick introduction and the crowd roared. "I've been a fan of this band for so long. Since I've been a teenager. You've inspired me to become a musician. And then I got to meet you and you were even more amazing than I ever dreamed you'd be as a fan. I'm so happy you're back. I'm so happy you're healthy and happy. Thank you for being role models. Thank you for everything. These two are so young at heart. They're two of the most fun people I know. Go out and pretend your 22 tonight" said Taylor and started playing "22"
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Put your hands together for the incredible Paramore" said Erin. Hayley and they guys walked on stage smiling from ear to ear. "It's such an honor to be performing for two of our favourite artists in the world, two of our favourite people in the world. You guys are the best friends we can ever ask for and we are ecstatic that you're back and that you're okay. You continue to inspire us every day. We love you so much. We're going to play a song that reminds us of you... and the fight that you went through" said Hayley becoming emotional. She turned around and took a minute to compose herself. Tegan was just starting to feel better after the upbeat 22 but broke down into pieces as the band started playing "Part II"
"Give it up for one of the coolest guys you'll ever meet, City and Colour!" said Erin. Dallas walked on stage in his normal unassuming way after Erin introduced him. He was tearing up from the get-go. "My little sisters, that's what I call you. You make me so proud. My heart overflows with love for you" he said choking up. He started playing "Silver and Gold". Tegan sobbed on Lindsey's shoulder.
P!nk appeared on stage without introduction. She was clearly emotional too. "Words can't convey how I feel about you my friends. I love you. You're fucking perfect" was all she said, voice breaking with emotion before launching into an acoustic version of "Fucking Perfect".
The guys from Fun! were up next and Jack stated speaking. "Two of the most fun girls around. You always manage to make my day. You guys went through the toughest time imaginable... and you came out the other side smiling. You're an inspiration to us. We love you. If you're lost and alone, and you're sinking like a stone... carry on. May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground... carry on" said Jack before the band started playing "Carry on". Tegan leaned forward with her face in both her hands. She felt her airways constrict. Sara leaned over "You okay?" she asked while she was herself quite a mess. "No" mumbled Tegan but she sat up again. Tegan stared at the stage. She was out of tears. The infectious beat of the song made her smile. "I want to do it so bad Sara but..." she whispered into Sara's ear. "It's okay Tegan... shhhh... it's okay" said Sara squeezing Tegan's hand.
"Ladies and Gentlemen... before I introduce our final performer I want to... um... I want to say thank you to two of the best friends anybody could ever ask for... I'm so incredibly blessed to have you in my life... Thank you... for sharing your talent with us... for inspiring us... for being the incredible role models that you are... for loving unconditionally. You make me want to be a better person. Thank you" said Erin in tears. Tegan broke down again. Sara looked at her twin and her chin started quivering.
"Joining the wonderful Sara Bareilles on stage tonight will be the choir of the Los Angeles LGBT youth shelter. A place where you guys have, and continue to make such a big difference. By just being who you are... you make us all brave... and we thank you for that" said Erin. The crowd cheered and continued cheering while the choir walked on stage and was joined on stage by Sara. "This goes out to two of the bravest people I know" said Sara. She looked Tegan in the eye and smiled as she played the piano intro of Brave. The crowd were on their feet pretty soon and Tegan took a large gulp of air and got up. She started singing along through her tears. Sara smiled and gave Tegan's shoulder a squeeze. "I love you guys" said Sara in tears and blew the twins a kiss before leaving the stage. The crowd kept cheering and now started chanting Tegan and Sara's names.
Tegan sat back down. Her hands were shaking, she swallowed hard. "Are you okay Tegan?" asked Lindsey pulling her face up. "I don't know... I think so" said Tegan. She looked rattled and put her hands over her eyes and let out a deep breath puffing out her cheeks. "Tegan... sweetheart are you okay" asked Sonia. Tegan's family and friends were crowding around her, all picking up on her distress. "Guys... if you could just give us a bit of air we'd appreciate it" said Sara. "We have to go... we... have to go" mumbled Tegan. "I'm right here Tegan... you look at me if you're scared... I'm right here... you're going to be great" said Lindsey. She had no idea of the drama that unfolded in the dressing room earlier but she sensed Tegan's fear and it scared her. Tegan turned and took Lindsey in her arms. This made the crowd cheer even harder. "I love you Boo" said Lindsey softly. "You and me babe" said Tegan while hugging her wife. "Me and you" said Lindsey. Those special words always calmed Tegan down. She gave a sigh mixed with a sob.
"Sara... are you okay with her... do you need me to get Violet? She's like two rows back" said Kate. "I don't know... I think we'll be fine... Thank you... I'll call you if I need you" said Sara and kissed Kate quickly causing another eruption from the crowd. "Love you" said Kate. "Love you too" smiled Sara and got up. She took Tegan's hand and helped her up. "Come on brother" she said and pulled Tegan away.
Sara walked back with her arm around a fragile looking Tegan. Tegan didn't say a word until they reached the dressing room. They luckily didn't run into any of the performers back stage thanks to Jeremy who cleared the way back for them. Tegan took a deep, shuddering breath. "I want to try... I owe them that... I owe you that. I really want to do this but I don't know if I can... I want to try" said Tegan. Sara smiled. "You can do this Tegan... I believe in you... I've never believed in anybody the way I believe in you. You... are the strongest person I know" said Sara and pulled Tegan in for a hug. She felt Tegan's body shake with emotion in her arms. After a minute she broke the hug. She led Tegan to a recliner and sat her down. "I'm scared Sara... I'm so scared" whispered Tegan through her tears. "I'm scared too Tegan... but I know we're going to be okay" said Sara. Tegan nodded. "I want you to relax for a few minutes. Calm down... just take nice deep breaths" said Sara reclining the chair.
Tegan was like a little child, she nodded and followed instructions. "Thank you Sara... and I'm sorry... I'm so sorry" said Tegan becoming emotional again. "Shhh... you can thank me later. Let's get you ready for the stage now" said Sara. "Relax and breathe. I'm going to get that chilled eye mask Erin gave you out of the fridge so we can get rid of the puffiness" smiled Sara. She put an eye mask on Tegan and covered her with a blanket.
There was a knock on the door. "I'll be right back Tegan. Just relax now" said Sara. Tegan didn't reply. Sara stepped outside for a second. Kate and Jeremy looked worried. "She okay?" asked Kate. "Yeah... she wants to do it... She's just taking a moment to try and pull herself together" said Sara. "Sorry to do this to you Sara but... timing?" asked Jeremy. "Um... I don't know... how long is the scheduled break?" asked Sara. "Twenty-five minutes" said Jeremy. "Okay... I doubt if that's going to happen. I'm going to need at least another half an hour on top of that to get her calm... at least" said Sara. "Do what you have to do... take your time... we'll stall. Crowd's having a great time" said Jeremy. Sara nodded. "Sar... can I come check on her. I should give her some oxygen after that emotional outburst" asked Kate. "Okay but... don't fucking scare her. We need positive reinforcement now... she's really fragile" said Sara. "Okay... got it" said Kate.
Tegan lay under the blanket trying to calm herself down. Her stomach was cramping nervously. Unwanted images still flooding her mind. Her diaphragm still involuntarily spasming with sobs. She was becoming desperate. "Just calm down Tegan... calm down. You're fine... breathe. Calm the fuck down... You've done this a million times" she scolded herself. She felt as if she was spiraling out of control and she had no way to stop it. Her world was spinning.
"Tegan..." said Sara softly. "Kate's here... everything's okay. She's just going to check your sats real quick... you okay with that?" asked Sara. Tegan nodded but didn't say a word... scared she would burst out in tears again. Kate put the pulse ox meter on Tegan's finger. The light flickered on and off fast giving away Tegan's racing heart. Kate's eyes went wide as she looked at the numbers. Tegan gave another shuddering sigh. "Just breathe for me Tee" said Kate calmly while opening the oxygen. "You're okay... you just need a little bit of oxygen because you haven't been breathing normally... no other reason... we're going to have you sorted out in just a few minutes" said Kate. Tegan breathed in the oxygen. Her mind was racing and picking up pieces along the way... "Focus Tegan... focus" she told herself. "I can give you something to calm you down" said Kate. "No... no drugs... I don't know how I'll react to it... no... no drugs" said Tegan adamantly.
Sara stood next to her sister with her arms folded biting her bottom lip. Tegan lay in silence for a few minutes. Sara and Kate watched the pulse ox meter intently. Tegan's pulse remained sky high, her oxygen sats improved a bit though. "Sara..." said Tegan softly and took the chilled mask off her eyes. "I'm right here Tegan... what do you need" said Sara. "I need help... I can't do this on my own" said Tegan. "Tegan I'm going to be right there with you helping you through it" said Sara. "No... I mean... thank you but... I need help calming the fuck down... I can't go on stage like this. I'm trying but look at me... I'm still shaking" said Tegan. "Okay Tee... what do you want me to do?" said Sara. "Call Violet... please" said Tegan. "You got it" said Sara. Kate handed Tegan a cup of honey and ginger tea after replacing the mask with a nasal cannula. "Drink this, it will help rehydrate you after the vomiting and it will soothe your throat" said Kate. Tegan looked at Sara with a "What the fuck" expression. "Tegan... I'm sorry I had to tell her... she's your doctor" said Sara. "I'm so embarrassed... I'm such a fucking loser" said Tegan softly. "Tegan don't you ever say that" said Sara upset. Tegan was on the verge of tears again.
A few minutes later Violet walked into the room and gave Tegan a reassuring smile. Sara popped her head out of the door. "Jeremy... no knocking... nobody gets in now... nobody, not even Lindsey okay" she said. "You got it" said Jeremy. "Tegan... how are you doing?" asked Violet. "I'm... freaking out" said Tegan. "Okay... we're going to get you through this. You want to tell me what's going on?" said Violet. "I... I'm just so scared... every time I think of going on stage I just get this flashback of what happened that... night... and then my mind goes to the hospital... pain... fear" said Tegan and started to cry again. "Sometimes there could be something really small that just triggers these flashbacks... triggers your defense mechanisms" said Violet. "I mean... I was nervous this morning but then... suddenly I felt as if I would die if went on stage again. And I want to do it Violet... I need to do it... I'm going to do it but I'm a mess... I can't calm down... I've tried fucking everything. I can't stop sobbing... my heart's beating out of my chest... I feel a if I can't breathe... I'm... a mess... and I can't go on stage like this... I can't... help me... help me Violet" said Tegan desperately. "I'm going to help you Tegan... we're all here to help you... do you want Sara and Kate to wait outside?" asked Violet. Sara gave her a nasty look. "No!" said Tegan fast. "Don't go" she said, her voice breaking. "Okay Tegan we're right here... We're not going anywhere" said Sara.
"Something's up with Tegan... something serious... I need to go to her" said Lindsey. "Linds... Sara gave me strict instructions to not let anybody... not even you into the dressing room. Violet's with her" said Jeremy before being cut off by Lindsey. "What? Violet's with her? This is not good... not good... I need to see her" said Lindsey. "No... stay here... Sara will let you know if they need you... everything's fine Linds" said Jeremy calmly. "Don't tell me I don't have the right to see my wife" said Lindsey irate. "Calm down Lindsey" said Sonia and forced her back into her seat. "You know Sara will call you if Tegan needs you" said Sonia. "I'm not liking this... did you see her Sonia... she's a mess... she needs me" said Lindsey. "Linds... right now she needs Violet... and she needs to think that you're okay... that you're not worrying about her... I guarantee you that's what she needs" said Sonia. "You're right... as always" said Lindsey after a few seconds of contemplating. "Jeremy, promise me you'll call me if she needs me" said Lindsey. "Of course I will" said Jeremy and went back stage again.
"Tegan, we're just going to do some relaxation exercises, some visualisation... you with me?" asked Violet. "Uh huh... but make it fast we need to get on that stage" said Tegan. "Tee... don't worry about the time now... you take however long you need. Everything outside is under control" said Sara. "Sara I think you could benefit from this too... why don't you do these with us... lie down on the couch" said Violet. Sara eyed her
suspiciously but did as instructed. She was a wreck herself.
"Close your eyes now... focus on your breathing. Nice deep breaths all the way down to your abdomen... in for three seconds through your nose... out for three seconds through your mouth. There we go, you're doing great... and in... and out..." Violet continued the breathing coaching for a few minutes. "Your body is relaxing. You feel your muscles relax starting with your toes... now your feet... moving up to our calves... all the tension leaving your body... your muscles completely relaxing" said Violet slowly and gently guiding Tegan. "Your knees are relaxing, every muscle, every tendon... now your thighs are relaxing... you feel the tension leaving your muscles... up into your pelvis... your abdomen is relaxing... all the stress leaving your belly... little by little... you feel your diaphragm relaxing... that's it... no more tension... you feel how your heart muscles are relaxing... slowing down... slowing down... your lungs are relaxing... your airways are opening up and you're gently and easily taking in the oxygen... the oxygen is moving freely through your body and it's energising your cells... it's relaxing your muscles... Feel the stress leave your arms as your fingers completely relax... your hand muscles relax... feel your forearms relax as all the tension flows out of your fingertips... your biceps relax... your triceps... feel your shoulders completely relax... every bit of tension leaving your body... your neck relaxes... feel your facial muscles relax one by one" Violet continued.
Kate stared at Tegan and could see her body visibly relax from the ball of tension that it was. She saw her chest move slowly and regularly up and down. Her facial muscles seemed to go limp as she was given instructions. All the pain and fear leaving her face. Tegan made a soft gasping sound as her airway closed up a bit from being so relaxed. Kate gently lifted her chin and tilted her head up to open her airway so she could breathe better. She looked down at the pulse ox meter. Tegan's pulse had slowed down significantly and her oxygen saturation was looking great again. Kate gave Violet a nod.
The crowd outside was having a great time. People were in a jovial mood and were enjoying the balmy Californian evening relaxing with friends. "Should I say something?" asked Erin, standing with Jeremy, Sonia, Lindsey and Alex. "They don't seem anxious yet... just give it a while and see where this goes" said Alex. Everybody nodded.
"Now feel your scalp relax... leaving your entire body completely relaxed... you're so relaxed you feel as if you're floating... you're calm and in control... Vividly imagine your happy place... the place where you feel the most at ease... the happiest" said Violet, her voice soothing. "Smell it... feel it... taste it... Take careful note of how you're feeling when your in this happy place" said Violet. The corners of Tegan's mouth lifted in a weak smile. She imagined herself in her new home... with Lindsey... she walked out into the garden... she could smell the trees... she felt the sun on her skin.
"I want you to imagine the people you love most in the world here with you" said Violet and stayed quiet for a minute. Tegan imagined Lindsey, Sara, Kate, her parents, Alex and Erin, Jeremy, the guys from the band all there with her. They were laughing and having fun. She felt surrounded by love... she felt safe. The outside world completely shut out. She was completely in the moment.
"I want you to remember that... hang on to that picture... to that feeling" said Violet. "I want you to visualise the amphitheater empty... I want you to visualise the best show you could ever imagine... that show is tonight... in front of an empty venue... now I want you to take those people from your happy place... those feelings from your happy place... and move them into the empty seats... you're calm... you're safe... you're so loved... the empty seats slowly fill up with nothing but love... those people have nothing but love or you... everything is perfect" said Violet. Tegan's brow suddenly furrowed. Kate looked up nervously at Violet. Violet slowly nodded at Kate. Kate looked down at the pulse ox... Tegan's pulse increased but only by about 5 beats per minute which was actually quite remarkable.
"Imagine that incredible feeling of accomplishment... of so much love surrounding you... of you doing what you love... what you're passionate about... nothing's going to hurt you... you're happy... you're healthy... you're safe... imagine your body healthy... you're in control of your emotions... you're in control of your body... everything is okay... everything is good. Hold on to that feeling, those images..." said Violet.
Kate kept checking Tegan's pulse... it had slowed down to normal... below normal... it was a slow, easy resting heart rate. Kate smiled and gave Violet two thumbs up. After about five minutes of complete silence Violet slowly started to bring her back. "You're going to slowly become aware of your surroundings again. You're calm... you're in control... safe. Everything is going to be great... take your time and open you're eyes when you're ready" said Violet. Kate saw Sara opening her eyes a minute later. She sat up and gave Kate a questioning look. Kate nodded and smiled.
After further contemplating the group decided that Erin should probably give the crowd an update. She walked onto stage not having any idea of how long it would be before the show started, if at all! "Hi guys... is everybody having a good time?" she said. The crowd roared. "Good... we're slightly behind schedule due to a small technical difficulty but we're hoping to kick off the show really soon" Erin lied through her teeth, her acting skills struggling. The crowd started chanting Tegan and Sara's names again. Erin felt goosebumps erupt all over her body. She swallowed hard, she saw Tegan's petrified face in her mind and it killed her. "Almost there guys... go fill your drinks... it's a Saturday and hopefully most of you don't have work tomorrow. We're going to experience a great show tonight! Get ready!" said Erin before leaving the stage.
Tegan took another few minutes before finally opening her eyes. "There we go... just keep still... relax as you get back into the moment" said Violet. Tegan lay in silence, staring at the ceiling for a minute before speaking. "Thank you... I feel better... I think I'm ready" said Tegan softly. Violet smiled and squeezed Tegan's hand. "You're going to be amazing... you're so special" she said softly. Tegan noticed that her sobs were gone... her diaphragm wasn't spasming uncontrollably any more. She was calm. Kate gently removed the oxygen line. "Take your time... you've got your moment... go back to your moment when you need it" said Violet as Tegan started stirring to get up.
"Damn I'm so relaxed now I may just take a nap" said Sara yawning. Tegan laughed. "You guys okay now? Can we leave you?" asked Violet. "Yeah... we're great... thank you... Violet?" said Tegan. "Yes Tegan" said Violet. "What if it comes back" said Tegan. "Go back to your happy show... that moment you've created... but it's not going to come back because you've replaced it now with a positive picture... a positive association. You're going to be fine Tegan... nice deep breaths okay" said Violet. Tegan gave her a hug. "Thank you... you're amazing" said Tegan. "No you're amazing... go out there and wow us" said Violet. "And Katy... always there... always right there when I need you" smiled Tegan giving Kate a hug. Kate smiled. "Go get 'em rock stars"
Sara pulled Tegan into a hug after Kate and Violet left. "I love you Sara... You're amazing... never forget that" said Tegan. "I love you too Tegan... you're my favourite sister" joked Sara. Tegan laughed and took a deep breath. "Let's go fix our makeup and then... we're going to do this" she said. Sara popped her head out the door. "Jeremy... go get the band... five minutes till showtime" she smiled.
Sara led Tegan to the side of the stage. "Happy place Tee... deep breath... I've got you... let's do this" smiled Sara. Tegan felt nerves creep in again but nothing like the absolute state of horror she was in earlier. She knew those butterflies in her stomach... they were always there before a show and she silently told herself that she would probably be more worried if they weren't there. Tegan nodded at Jeremy and he spoke into his two way radio, giving the signal for the lights to dim. Ted gave Tegan a pat on the back. "You're going to kill it tonight" he smiled. The lights went out and the crowd erupted. "Quin for the win" said Tegan looking at Sara. "Quin for the win" repeated Sara. She put her hand on the small of Tegan's back. "Here we go" she smiled reassuringly. Sara led Tegan all the way to her spot on stage. "You've got this... take your time. We're right behind you. We'll wait for your go" she said and gave Tegan a pat on the back before moving to her own spot.
Tegan picked up her guitar and put it over her shoulder. She took another deep breath. She looked out into the audience, barely visible in the dark. She turned around and closed her eyes. She slowly walked to the back of the stage. Sara looked nervously at Tegan. The crowd grew quieter. "Come on Tee... you can do this" she whispered to herself. Those few seconds felt like an eternity.
Tegan turned around and opened her eyes. "I'm home" she whispered to herself. She walked up to the mic and took another deep breath. Her fingers started dancing over the guitar strings and the stage lights went up. The crowd erupted. Tegan smiled "Where do you go... with your broken heart in tow... what do you do with the left over you"
A/N: Aaaaand she's back! Let's hope the show goes well and Tegan holds up okay. Review please!