"Two years ago, I was afraid of spiders, suffocation, walls that inch slowly inward and trap you between them, getting thrown out of Dauntless, uncontrollable bleeding, my father's death, public humiliation and being kidnapped by men without faces." Lauren starts.
I stare at the instructor apathetically and bleary-eyed. Yesterday I had witness myself kill John because I couldn't stop; so, forgive me for not feeling a twinge of sympathy towards this woman.
"Today we are introducing you to the fear landscapes, of which is stage three." Cue dramatic pause for effect. "Your final test and rankings will be determined by the speed it takes you to get through all your fears." In one go?"Unlike in stage two, you will be aware that you're in a simulation. So, your goal is to get out of there by all means necessary."
Lauren continues to drone on and on while I look around the room – minus below. The place is disappointing, considering that it holds one of the most important events of the year andhas the capacity to house all of Dauntless. I'm very apprehensive about the glass floor beneath me, providing the view of the Pit; not only does it look fragile – at least to me it does – but I can also imagine myself falling ten stories above. Which is why I'm currently leaning against the wall at the back of the group instead of up front like the nerd I secretly am.
"First, Anna Laker, walls that inch inward." I blink.
That's not too bad; not even something I'm afraid of. I relax back against the wall as she announces the rest of the fears. Now that Joe's gone, I suppose that I'm back at first place; and I'm not sure if that's a good thing by the way Cole is currently glaring at me. My arms tighten across my chest as I reciprocate the gesture.
There are rules against initiates harming initiates… right?
The rest of the fear assignments flies by my head, but I do know that Riley's facing kidnapping. Who on earth thought that was a good idea?Staring at her now, I hope Jace will be able to handle her himself, because I'm really not in the mood.
Pushing off the wall, I force myself to trudge forward casually towards where Four holds a syringe. To my utter delight, the rest of the initiates aren't allowed in the same room as I, only permitted to watch from outside.
"Good luck." Four says.
I can't stop the yawn that escapes me due to the lack of sleep; hence, I make a pathetic attempt to cover my mouth so he wouldn't take it as an insult. "Thanks."
I just want to go back to sleep.
There is no furniture, much less a chair, in the landscape theater, only vast empty space. This leads me to think that our actions in the simulation copies the real world; awesome.
Then everything shifts.
The narrow open-air room leaves nothing to imagination. It is obvious that the way to defeat this sim is to climb up or calm down. The decision to climb up was a no-brainer, since it's been a while when I last climbed anything.
I stretch out my limbs and back as if unfazed by everything. The walls are abnormally tall, but it should be doable based on what Lauren described on how fear landscapes work – almost impossibly, but possible. Everything feels real; the body, the workout clothes, the concrete floor, the preposterous heights, the crisp air; yet it isn't.
Once the walls started inching towards me, there was no time to waste. I place both palms on either side of the walls and hoist myself up with my back legs propelling me upwards. The walls inch slow, giving me ample time to make a steady climb. This seems easy; makes me wonder whether the solutions for the rest of the sims are this simple too. It confuses me on why this exercise is the determining factor on whether you'll be accepted into Dauntless, for it's mostly a brain challenge than a muscle/skill one.
My inquiry is answered when my footing slips.
It was far too late for me to remember that I'm climbing up – away from the ground – when I looked down to access the situation. Instead of regaining my grip, my hands start to slip, growing sweaty as the height I'm at gapes at me. Right; heights. I squeeze my eyes shut as my heart rate skyrockets. The walls seem to be closing at a much faster rate now, to my utter dismay. My mind spins as the height I'm at registers. Crap; crap; crap.
My limbs are folding into each other now, with the walls closing at a deadly speed. Belated fear courses through me now as my brain dies on me. I squeeze my eyes shut and push my limbs outwards to stop from slipping. With the gap much smaller now, I'm not sure if I can make it to the top. I'm about to be crushed.
It's when my elbows and knees replace my hands and feet does light shine at the end of the tunnel. 'You'll do well. Just think through the fear.'Those were the words Eric said to me this morning. The young leader had caught me right when I exited the dorms this morning, like he knew the exact minute I go out every day. It was the first time he conversed with me since the day at the apartment. And as much as I hated that fact, I reason with myself that he has a life outside spending time with me and it's unfair to expect so much from him. Another reason I gave myself was that relationship between initiates and fully-fledged members were probably against the rules; not that anyone has said anything about it. The morning at the apartment was the second time – the first was the war games – I've seen Eric be completely human. It was such a beautiful sight to see him laugh that I can't help but yearn for more.
Everything was so close, yet so far away. Him sitting two tables away on every meal feels like miles with my inability to close the gap. I hoped that perhaps by lingering at the Pit, he would've come find me and maybe even whisk me away back to his apartment. But he didn't. And the sense of longing only grew.
So, when he was the first person I saw when I stepped out of the dorms, my heart fluttered despite the lack of rest. Eric gestured me to follow him, bringing me to an alcove where we will be out of the direct line of sight. He didn't invite me to his apartment like I secretly hoped he did, only to wish me luck for the fear landscape today. But it was the way he said it that struck a chord in me. Eric's words weren't empty like most people; instead, they held meaning and confidence, as if he believed with all his heart that I would do well. And that touched me. Knowing that the leader had and has complete confidence in me is exhilarating; especially since he's the first one apart from my family who truly believes so.
Think through the fear.
My eyes should've opened to the narrowing corridor; instead, it's the vast landscape room that greets me back. The empty air underneath the balls of my feet have been replaced with solid ground and the pressing sides with nothingness.
Standing from my odd box crouching position, I look around confusingly. Did the simulation end already?
The simulation after mine is even more baffling.
Cole stands in the room unmoving through the one-sided glass. The only indication of him being in the simulation is by the way he panicked over the first few seconds when it started. Jace told me that his assigned fear was suffocation, and currently, he doesn't seem to be suffocating at all.
"Did I stand like that earlier?" Perhaps the simulation induces your physical body into a paralysis to prevent harming yourself – a perfectly logical reason.
Jace looks at me. Since the moment I've met this bubbly Dauntless born, I've never seen him afraid or pale. "No. You were moving the whole time."
Just as the words leave his lips, Cole's fingers twitch. It's the first sign of movement since he lapsed into a standing coma. But the moment of weakness is immediately crushed when he clenches his fists to his sides. As if things weren't scary enough, Cole's eyes snap open. Though blank, it's obvious that he's staring right at the threat – defying the fear.
Another half a minute ticks by before life reenters his eyes and his body relaxes into familiarity. Unlike me, he seems perfectly calm and dons a triumphant smirk on his face. As he steps off the landscape room and takes up the offer of having the day off, murmurs sound from all corners of the waiting room. I don't blame anyone, for I have my questions as well. How did he do that?
"There is only one other person I know who's done that." Four's voice is robotic in the empty room.
The simulations had ended ten minutes ago and everyone had filed out either shaken or elated to have the rest of the days off. The final testing will be in three days – with today being the first – and we have been graciously given the time off to 'figure out' how to conquer our fears.
After watching everyone else's fears, I can safely conclude that Cole must be some kind odd prodigy. Jace did try to do what Cole did – standing immobile – but his feat only lasted a solid five seconds before he was back to shrieking and fighting off the imaginary spiders.
I have an educated guess on Four's statement. For if there's anyone I can name off the top of my head that is anything like the brutal initiate, it's the brutal leader. "Eric?"
The nod confirms it. "It was the first day we entered Dauntless. Back then, they wanted to try out having the initiates go through the fear landscapes first. Eric went first and he was much like Cole, stiff as a stone, except that he had control of his emotions far better. So imagine Cole doing that twice as fast, twelve times in a row." I gulp.
If Eric was so remarkable, how did he not beat Four? "But you ranked first?"
Four glances at me over his shoulders from the computer. "I had significantly less fears." He says.
"But none of the other Erudites are like them. Are they related then?" There isn't any resemblance between them other than their brutality and mercilessness really.
The instructor sighs heavily and turns to face me, folding his arms across his chest. "Eric works with Jeanine, who has access to our simulations. There is not a doubt in me that she taught Eric the ropes and tricks of the program, for not even the Dauntless-born knows what stage two and three consists of." That includes me too. "Is it cheating? Yes. But the Erudite are manipulative, and Jeanineisthe epitome of it."
So Cole works for Jeanine too. However when I think back, it doesn't seem as if Eric and Cole are friendly towards each other. "Cole is a pawn."
"Indeed. Just like Eric."
"But why need another pawn? Especially since she has Eric already." And if I'm not mistaken, Max too.
Four shoots me a look, one that I know I'm about the dread the answer. "Dauntless leadership consists of five members to allow them to make decisions without a having a stand-off. Rumor has it that Jessica will be stepping down soon." My stomach drops; I know where this is going. "Cole's arrival is perfect to replace her. Now all he needs to do is to maintain his rank or take yours. Once he becomes part of leadership, Dauntless will now be under the mercy of Jeanine and trio."
I take a deep breath. Everything is starting to overwhelm me; Erudite, Dauntless Leadership, Cole, Eric and the fear landscape. I'm unsure of how to go about from here.
"Is there any way we can stop this then?" We could kill him.
Four tilts his head and looks at me expectantly. "What do you plan to do after initiation?"
With another apple cider in hand, I realize that I am horrible at dealing with stress.
Perhaps if my dogs were here, I would've been spending my time with them instead of drinking. I did spend the evening in the training room. Yet despite all the strenuous exercise I've put myself through, everything came crashing back the moment I stepped out.
The same bar I'm in is unreasonably loud today. With all the music and hooting, I won't be surprised if I turn deaf in the morning. I should leave, especially since the din is only adding to my frustration and stress; but I don't. Maybe it's because I hoping Liam would pop by with a head full of stories that will make me forget all about the crap that's going on; or that I'll get drunk enough that I could join everyone in dancing.
"You're drinking. Again." If I wasn't tired, I would've jumped in fright from my seat.
"And you've miraculously found me." I state blandly, swishing the quarter-empty bottle in my hand. "Again."
Eric doesn't slide into the seat beside me like I thought he would've. "Come."
When I don't make a move, he grabs my other bottle. I groan. "Why can't I just stay here?"
Eric lifts an eyebrow as I fall in step with him. "You don't even want to be here." My mouth falls open and I gape like a fish. Am I this obvious to read?
"Well now I do." I bark back defiantly.
"You're drawing attention." He replies monotonously.
"I'm not-" True to his word, there are multiple heads turned our way. A growl builds in the back of my throat as my eye twitches. Do the Dauntless have no life?
"Keep that scowl on your face." Eric says loud enough for only me to hear. "Makes them think that you're in trouble."
"Easiest thing I've done today." I growl back.
Eric doesn't reply to my statement; his only response being a mirroring scowl. Aren't we just the perfect not-really couple?
We lapse into a silence all the way back to his apartment – of which the route I've yet to familiarize myself with. It feels nice, killer and scheming tendencies aside, to walk side by side with Eric. He makes it a point to walk next to me; not in front or behind, unless it's a narrow path. Either he's trying to indirectly tell me that he views me as an equal, or I'm just overthinking his actions to what I hope he's implying.
Eric speaks up after settling into the couch next to me, opened beer in hand. "What were you doing there."
Gah, he sounds like fatherly Four now.Why did I even think for one moment that he wasn't going to ask about my reasons? "Trying to forget." I say simply, taking a swing from the bottle.
"Didn't seem like you had a bad day today..." He pipes confusingly; this is a new emotion I'm seeing from him. "Was it because Cole was faster than you?" Surprise, surprise; Eric checked out the trial times.
Cole was faster than me; by a solid thirty-seconds. If he's able to keep this up for the actual landscape, I would lose all leverage I have to steal his leadership spot. "No."
"Then?"
I feel hopeless. There is no chance of me doing anything now. With Jeanine pulling the strings on the Dauntless leadership already, what chances do I have to actually beat Cole? Four believes that the only reason Eric's a leader is because of Jeanine, and I would be a fool to dismiss that idea. Even if I did try to kill Cole, it's not enough to stop whatever they're planning, not to mention that I might be caught and killed for it. There is no position that could measure up to leadership, meaning that I basically have no way to instil anything into Dauntless. Sure, I could be an ambassador, but our job scope consists mostly of being messengers anyways.
I feel like a failure. My intentions of transferring was for peace, and with this new piece of information, I realize how immature my thought process was. I shouldn't have jumped into this blindly, maybe should've made some Dauntless friends in school to have a grasp on what's going on. I've failed my parents, John, Johanna. There is nothing I can do now but sit at the side-lines and watch everything unfold.
I feel useless. All my training to come here amounting up to nothing. The two years' worth of evenings my mother took all for training me going down the drain. Had I known that I wouldn't have a speck of chance at anything, I would've stayed at Amity. At least there, I could do something meaningful and enjoyable like improving the efficiency of farming or dog training.
There was still one thing I could try. "What do you think about him?" I break the silence.
"Cole?" I nod. Something flashes across his face – irritation. "Are you like this because of him?" He jerks upright from the couch. "You're kidding me right? Since when did you give two fucks about anyone here?" Ouch. "Hell. Was it something he say or did? Why the heck are you even thinking about him?" His voice has taken to a high pitch by now, bordering hysteria.
Out of all the things I could've said, why did I choose this?
"What? Do you think I like him or something? Gave him pointers on stage three?" I don't actually believe that Eric would've done it, unless ordered by Jeanine.
Nonetheless, my prolonged silence answers the question.
"You're joking right? Why the heck would I give two fucks about him?" Shame flushes through me and I'm too embarrassed to look at him now. Of course Eric wouldn't have helped Cole, they aren't even on talking terms. It was a stupid idea to even bring it up. "It was you I went up to this morning. Not Cole or whoever the fuck else you think I did. Why would you think I would help him?" His voice drowns out in the end like he realising something.
"Anna. Anna, look at me." His voice is down a notch that I'm familiar with. My eyes squeeze shut as my heart clenches painfully. I hate that I'm the cause of him like this; I don't want to be the cause of him like this. A hand grabs my chin and pulls it towards his face. I don't think I can do this. "Look. At. Me."
His grey eyes are raw, unguarded. He's confused, frustrated, afraid. "You thought I helped Cole?" Though it isn't his intentions, each word is like a stab to my chest, poking holes into the breaking dam.
I don't know what to believe. My restraint snaps and I jerk to my feet. "I can't." My voice cracks. "I can't; I can't; I can't" Why did it have to be Eric? Why couldn't it be anyone else except Eric? Life would be so easy if Eric wasn't thrown into the mess, I could make the right decisions for the benefit of everyone in spite of my feelings.
His eyebrows knit together as he stands. "You can't what?"
"This!" I gesture wildly between us. "Whatever this is! I can't do it."
"And why not?" Why not? Did he really just ask that?
I look at him incredulously. "Because! You're merciless, brutal, a killer and I-"
"Your accusations are based on?" His face should be turning red, a sign of growing anger, but it relaxes into calmness instead.
"People talk! They say enough about you!" AndIknow enough about you.
"And you believe them?" Why is he so calm?
"Then tell me that what everyone says is untrue." Please do. Please tell me that all the rumours are exactly what they are: rumours. Tell me that, no, you're not the man everyone says you are and that you won't stand in the way when I need to take action – whatever that may be. Tell me that I won't need to go through you first before I get to Jeanine and Max when the time comes.
Silence. Complete utter silence. I would've thought that him screaming at me would've hurt more, but the absence of anything is far worse. Eric's face hardens into the unemotional mask he wears out in public; one that he rarely shows to me.
"I can't." He says finally; emotionlessly. "Whatever they say about me… they're true."
All hope is crushed. I take a step back. "But you know I'm not like that with you." He starts back up, mask falling away and emotions resurfacing.
"It doesn't matter! I can't just ignore everything you've done and live in the bubble of lies you've built around me!" Yet, that's all the matters does it? That he isn't like that to me. Now that all I've worked for is lost, why not just settle down with Eric? Forget Jeanine, Max, Cole and peace. Since when was it my duty to set things right anyways?
"And you don't think that it's them I'm lying to?" He asks softly. Eric doesn't sound like a wounded puppy, he sounds disappointed. The way he says it tells me that Iof all people should have known, and the worst part is, I do. I know I've seen the realest side of him that no one else has. I know there's a normal person underneath all the layers he's put on, a normal person like everyone else.
His pain overwhelms me like mine already does. "I-I-I…" I want to turn back time, to go back to when we first entered his apartment today. We shouldn't have argued. We should've drunk the night away, talking about nothing and everything, maybe even cuddle up and put on a movie. That would've made me forget; not this. "I'm sorry."
Eric turns away from me, backing into his kitchen. "You've nothing to apologize for."
His response throws me off guard. What? "No I-"
"You should've stayed in Amity." He says suddenly. Where is of this coming from?"You were happy there. It was foolish of you to transfer."
I frown quizzically at the weird change of subject. "And you think I'm not happy here?"
"Don't give me the 'I am happy' crap now." He snarls, knuckles going white with how hard he's clenching the counter. "The number of times you've laughed here completely sober is less than the number of fingers on my hand, you hardly smile and have yet to make any actual friends here." I blink. "And don't tell me that you're happy with me, cause your outburst from earlier clearly shows that you aren't."
I am speechless, but it doesn't matter to him.
Eric rubs his face wearily. "Ever since you've transferred, you're not the girl you were before and I hate it. There's nothing that I can do or have done that will ever measure up the any day back at Amity." He turns to face the sink, half-empty glass bottle left dejectedly at the counter. "That day I brought you to Amity. In those few measly hours you've shown more spark than all of your time here in Dauntless together. And that boy you're with…" He spits out distastefully. "Why did you even bother to leave him?"
How long has this been haunting Eric? I should feel creeped out because he basically proclaimed that he's been stalking me for God knows how long. I should scream and run away and tell him to get out of my life, but I can't.
There's something beautiful in his actions. To know that he isn't just lusting for any part of me. To know that he genuinely cares about my wellbeing, so much so that it eats him up inside. To admit that there is someone who could be better for me, even if he loathes that fact, takes guts and a bit more than an infatuation.
My mood drastically shifts and a small smile crosses my face as my heart swells. Had I known that Eric cared for me this much, I won't have any doubt about him. Within mere seconds I've closed the gap between us and wrapped my arms around his waist. It's a bold move, one that I wouldn't have done if I wasn't feeling so brave through the alcoholic beverage. "John's related to me. He's happy that I transferred." Not my preferred topic of choice, considering that my actions is a new milestone between us, but it's essential.
The surprised man takes a few beats more before he finally relaxes against me. He's warm, even through the jacket he wears today. How I wish we could stay in this position forever. A hand rests on top of my arms. "You said you can't do this." He says quietly.
I rest my cheek against his jacket, arms tightening slightly around him. "You're right, I can't." It takes me a moment to put my feelings into words.
"Yet despite all you've said, I want nothing more but to give this a shot."
A/N
A long chapter; merry christmas? :P
Awfully tempted to write the last scene in Eric's POV, as well as one of the future chapters .-. But that would take time... and also expose Eric's thoughts.
Next update will be this Friday ^^