Prequel: The Loss of a Child.
Loss
The doctor said that she needed to remain clean, well-rested, and nourished during the next few weeks as she continued to recover, but the problem was that she was so weak she could hardly leave their bed without assistance. While she spent most of her time sleeping as she continued with her prescribed blood transfusion and IV fluids, Sarek spent his time upstairs in his office attending to work.
When he finally emerged from his office after a full day's work, he immediately went into the kitchen to prepare some food for his wife. Her stomach was delicate and after replicating two pieces of toasted bread and some tea, he made his way to their bedroom.
In a light blue night gown, she laid on her side, careful of the IV in her left hand and the blood transfusion into her right arm. While she was certainly looking better than she had in the days prior now with colour in her face and hands, it confused and concerned Sarek that whenever he would reach out to her through their bond,he could not feel any of her emotions.
After losing a child, Sarek expected to sense her sadness, anger and even guilt as he had in the twenty-four hours after the event, but much to his confusion after thirty hours he felt no sadness from her, or anger… it was as if there was a dark cloud over her thoughts.
She could sense her exhaustion, which confused Sarek as she spent most of her time sleeping, but at least, he thought, she was feeling something and her space in his conscious was not completely a dark and quiet hole.
He placed the tea and bread on the nightstand and carefully shook her awake. She had not eaten since lunch almost six hours ago and while he decided that that nutrition was the main priority, the smell of sweat told him that her hygiene was more important for the moment.
"You must shower." he told her "I sense that you are still unable to do it by yourself."
She said nothing as he carefully helped her out of bed and onto her feet supporting much of her weight with one arm. After following the doctor's orders to ensure that the IVs in both her and arm stay dry, he paused the machines and helped her to the bathroom nearby.
"Where's Spock?" she asked, her voice still groggy from sleep.
"Our son is with Linnea and Felix. He is well cared for."
He removed his clothing before helping her out of her nightgown and as he helped her in the sonic shower, he could have breathed a sigh of relief when he finally began to sense some emotion from his wife.
A strong wave of sadness rushed through her and through their bond causing her to squeeze her fingers around Sarek's waist as if to hold on for dear life. She wasn't just sad; she was beyond sad and it was something that Sarek himself couldn't explain let alone understand. When he tried to put his finger on what she was feeling exactly her soft voice radiated through their bond as she rested her head gently on her husband's shoulder:
Empty. I feel empty.
The warm water ran against her back. Not knowing what to say Sarek helped her wash her still aching body in silence continuing to support her with one arm around her waist. It was silent for several minutes until he felt another wave of sadness and soon, she began to cry softly into his shoulder for the first time since the event.
Hearing her cry caused a wave of pain to run through his chest, the sadness he felt through their bond intensified and was so strong he drew in an audible breath and rested his hand on the back of Amanda's head sending a wave of calm through their bond.
He hated when she cried, he hated seeing her sad, and it pained him greatly that he couldn't do anything to help her.
His mind drifted back to the event. It happened so quickly that he hardly had any time to process the events that unfolded in only a 13.43 minutes timespan. One minute they were looking out into the orange sun and the next he held her in his arms with his back turned from the midwives who were prying her legs open to look at the horrid sight below. He tightened his grip around his screaming and crying wife as he fought with her body, desperate to keep their growing child inside her.
It was a battle that she would ultimately lose.
He remembered her nails digging into his shoulders, he remembered the smell of iron, he remembered her begging and pleading with her body to just 'keep it inside', and he remembered his panic when she collapsed into his arms unconscious and the sight of more blood pouring out from between her legs and the colour in her face and lips begin to fade.
"Amanda?" He called, caressing her face with his hand. "Amanda?!"
It was then that the doctor rushed into the room and the midwives began to usher Sarek out of the bedroom. The last image he had of his wife was her lying flat on their bed pale and limp.
He waited in the sitting room for the longest hour of his life until the doctor finally emerged from the bedroom. He confirmed what they had already known, the child was stillborn and Amanda had lost a lot of blood.
While it took all Sarek's logic to control his emotions, he maintained his composure as the Doctor explained that his wife would need a blood transfusion and IV fluids for the next couple of days.
"Will she make a full recovery?" Sarek asked.
"She should, yes. However, with the amount of blood that she has lost she could be quite weak for several months."
Amanda's light groan pulled Sarek out of his memories. She leaned into Sarek and held her still slightly distended stomach breathing deeply as her uterus contracted. He was assured by the Midwives upon their most recent visit earlier that morning that periodic uterine contractions were normal as it indicated the uterus returning to its original size but despite their reassurance, it continued to concern Sarek. He hated seeing her in pain.
He simply held her and said nothing when the smell of iron ran up his nose and some blood ran down Amanda's leg. A sight that caused more silent tears to fall down her cheeks,
"Keep breathing." he encouraged softly.
When her mind began to flash graphic images of the event, Sarek was quick to intercept them. He projected the first images that came to mind. Images that he knew made her happy. Their wedding day. Spock. The Beach. Paris.
"We will get through this." he uttered softly, caressing the back of her head as she continued to breathe. When she finally relaxed and rested her head against Sarek's shoulder once more, she wrapped her arm around his neck and said in a whisper,
"I know… it just hurts… it hurts so much."
He knew she meant more ways than one. Her body, her mind, her soul… it all hurt, but all Sarek could do was hold her in his arm and say softly in her ear, "I know, Adun'a. I know." And that, he thought, knowing that he couldn't do anything to ease his wife's pain, that was pure torture. A fact that he quickly repressed.
After helping her out of the shower and into a fresh nightdress, he assisted her back into bed and hooked her back up to the medical devices. He propped her pillows up so she could sit up and upon placing her hot water bottle gently across her stomach he handed her the cup of tea on the nightstand, the plate of toast and her antibiotics prescribed by the doctor to ward off any infection.
"Don't you have that virtual conference with the Terran Ambassador?" she asked softly, popping the antibiotics in her mouth. "I'm sure you'd rather attend to your duties. I'll be fine. Honest."
"You are more important than any duty bestowed upon me."
A fact that for the first time in 49.32 hours made Amanda smile. He meant it and he always will.
He held her throughout the night as she slept, her head resting gently on his shoulder. When Sarek finally began to fall asleep, he was stirred away when he felt her mind shift from peace to immense distress and the images of a bloody bundle and her screaming ran across her mind. When she began to shift in her sleep, he placed his hand gently on her face and pulled the images from her mind, into his. He watched as she relaxed in his arms and soon her mind drifted back into a peaceful slumber.
Intercepting Amanda's nightmares throughout the night proved to be emotionally tiresome for Sarek, but as each image came into his mind, each more forceful than the other he repressed it as he continued to hold his peacefully sleeping wife in his arms.
When he looked down at his wife after repressing another image, he noticed the sadness in her mind begin to shift and a peaceful image of Spock crawling over to her for the first time ran through her mind. The image causing her lips to curve slightly upward.
It was then that Sarek intercepted another graphic image, but his wife's sleepy smile lingered as she dreamed of holding Spock in her arms. It wasn't exactly happiness he felt from his wife, but she was the most at peace he had seen her in days. It was then that Sarek knew that he would gladly take every bit of her emotional distress, if it meant that she could feel this at peace forever.
~*The End*~