AN: Spoilers for Kakashi Hiden: Lightning in the Icy Sky. Again TW: Blood

Part III: Now That I've Been Shattered

Kakashi was fighting. He wasn't sure who, but he felt the adrenaline coursing through his system and his chakra was crackling across his skin. He had to keep moving. He felt a pulse of energy behind him, he turns on his heel and summoned his lightning to his hand, hears the sounds of birds as he strikes. He smells the thick, cloying scent of blood as it hits his mask; feels it pulsing around his hand and running down his arm.

I've been here before.

Kakashi blinks, expecting to see doe brown eyes and purple marks as his twelve-year-old self kills his teammate. He flinches when its large blue eyes staring at him instead. He tries to yank his arm free, but it won't budge. Naruto is in front of him, small and innocent Naruto, dressed in his orange and blue and struggling to breathe. He flinches again, desperate to stop feeling the fluttering heartbeat against his forearm, but Naruto stumbles forward into his chest and he's smiling that bright, bright smile at him like nothing's fucking wrong.

"No, no, no, not again," Kakashi pleads, his arm finally free as they sink to the ground. He holds onto the blonde's face, leaving bloody streaks on marked cheeks. "Naruto! Come on Naruto, heal you idiot! Please!"

"Kakashi," Naruto whispers, a small hand coming up to gently brush fingers at the edge of his mask and pull him closer. Kakashi was frozen, eyes locked on the deep blue as they started to fade. "Don't. Don't let me go."

He wanted to scream but he couldn't breathe. There was a darkness settling in, he couldn't see. The hand fell from his face and Naruto coughed in his arms, but it was petals that stained his lips and sprouted from the hole in his chest. They didn't stop. Asphodel, rue, willow, marigold, anemone, they all poured from his body until Kakashi was left grasping at petals.

"Naruto!" He tried to find him, he had to find him! He promised he would protect him! But he sunk into the growing mess, drowning as he struggled, and the thorns pierced at his skin.

Kakashi lurched upright, gasping for breath and clutching at his chest as he started to cough. It hurt so much, and he was so, so tired, the nightmares had become constant now. He was getting worse, the weight on his lungs is a constant presence and a disconcerting rattle had settled in. He was holding on though, he wasn't ready yet. When the fit finally passed and a flower rested in his palm, he managed to get his shaky legs under him and go clean up.

I've been here before, he thought as he washed the blood from his hands. He stared at the pale skin as the water dripped into the sink, taking in the faint, barely there scars along his wrist and forearm from punching through bones with the jutsu he perfected with Obito's eye. He blinks and meets his reflection in the mirror, looking over the features he inherited from his father before opening his left eye. A part of him expecting to see the glowing red of the Sharingan or maybe even just an empty socket. But no, a normal gray eye stared dully back at him. The eye Naruto gave me.

"You're a coward Kakashi," Obito's voice sneered in his mind and he was right.

He washed his hands again and again after that, still seeing the blood staining under his fingernails.

The camellia sat on the edge of the sink in full perfect bloom, the soft pink petals forming perfect spirals around each other.

"Kakashi-sensei." Kakashi lifted his eyes to look at Shikamaru, casually leaning against the wall across from him and smoking a cigarette, Suna stretching out beyond him. Naruto's laugh echoing from the courtyard below where he was talking to the Kazekage.

"Yes Shikamaru?" He responded lightly, returning his eyes back to his book, frowning when the young man didn't talk.

"You're sick," he finally said and Kakashi did his best to keep neutral.

"Ah, what makes you say that?" He asked, turning the page.

"I've had my suspicions for a while now," the man sighed. "But I saw you. Once at home a while ago and then here." Shit. He closed his book and put it away before looking back at him. "You're not going to deny it?"

"Would you let it go if I did?" He shrugged, stepping forward to prop his arms on the low wall next to him. He couldn't hear what Naruto and Gaara were talking about, but the blonde was waving his arm animatedly and Gaara had a soft smile on his face.

"I didn't want to think that far ahead. That's why you haven't become Hokage yet," he said. "Or you're not going to succeed at all are you." It wasn't a question, Shikamaru remained impassive as he met his gaze. "It's that serious huh?"

"You really are too smart Shikamaru," Kakashi shook his head.

"It's a drag," he sighed wearily again, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I hate to ask but does Naruto know?" Kakashi shook his head again. Oh, he didn't want to be having this conversation, Shikamaru was close with Naruto, he could possibly rat him out and Naruto was right there below them. "Great, just great, and you're in love with him." He threw it out there like some comment on the weather and it gave Kakashi whiplash.

"Shikamaru," he said, tone low and deadly serious.

"I notice things Kakashi-sensei," he flapped his hand lazily. "I seriously wish I didn't." Shikamaru groaned and ground his cigarette against the stone. "A couple months ago you two were practically inseparable, he was going on and on about a house?" Shikamaru looked at him skeptically and he waved it off, inwardly cringing. He knew that letting Naruto know about his land would backfire, but he had looked so happy and Kakashi was weak. "Fine whatever, but then he started complaining that you didn't have the time anymore and you were going to run yourself into the ground. Then, this whole mission you've been in his orbit but distant. Now I know why I guess." He played with his pack of cigarettes as if contemplating smoking another.

"I didn't want him to know," Kakashi said quietly. "It's easier this way."

"Is it though?" Shikamaru drawled, caving in and pulling out a fresh cigarette, chewing it between his lips. "I mean, yeah, he's a troublesome guy and he cares way too much," a smirk played at his mouth. "But he does care."

"You seem awfully calm about this," he tried to deflect, wondering if maybe another shoe was going to drop.

"You're both consenting adults," his eyebrow twitched. "I don't really care what you do, I just want Naruto to be happy," he grumbled.

"You're not the only one," he replied stiffly.

"This is just like that time all over again," Shikamaru groaned. "I knew I shouldn't have asked, geez, what a drag. Look, I'm not going to promise you anything on not telling him, it's between the two of you and it shouldn't come from me. If he asks though, I'm not going to lie to him," Shikamaru scowled. "But you need to think about this again. Naruto can be dense when it comes to this stuff but he's not stupid, he'll figure it out on his own."

"All right, Shikamaru, I hear you," he conceded tiredly, he was getting tired of always being lectured.

"You know, back then I think Naruto would have moved heaven and earth to bring you back."

"That's how he is. He spent over four years on Sasuke," Kakashi returned.

"Hm yeah, but you didn't see him," he insisted. "He went against all of us for you. How will he feel when he finds out you took that decision away from him again? You should remember his words better than anyone Kakashi-sensei."

"Naruto's lucky to have you in his corner Shikamaru," he said with a sigh and the young man snorted.

"Yeah, tell me about it." With that Shikamaru left him alone, reemerging in the courtyard a minute later. Kakashi watched as it looked like Shikamaru scolded Naruto and then the three disappeared. He let his head hang and tried to take a deep breath, but it was interrupted by pain. He would have to make Tsunade honor their deal soon, he thought as he looked over the chrysanthemums and dahlias littering the ground sitting so pretty and perfect in their yellow and orange. Loyal and eternal…

"How will he feel when he finds out you took that decision away from him again?" Maybe Shikamaru had a point… the man was usually, annoyingly, right according to Naruto. Before, he tried not to care if Naruto would hate him for this. Yes, Naruto would be sad when he left, but he wouldn't have known the reason for his death, he would move on. It was supposed to be safer this way. He removed his headband and ran a hand through his hair. Maybe confessing would bring this to an end sooner… he closed his eyes, picturing clear blue eyes and golden hair, the marks on Naruto's face curving with his easy smile. That smile had been haunting his nights for a while now, he was always smiling at him with such warmth. Even as he died by Kakashi's hand, or in his arms because he was too late…

"What do you think?" He asked the void surrounding him. An arid breeze made its way through, causing the wet petals to shiver on the ground. "Hmm, that's what I thought."

"Oi! Kakashi! You still up there?" Naruto's voice echoed from the courtyard, causing him to jump and fix his mask. Naruto was waving up at him, that easy smile splitting his face. "Come on!" He waved back down, waiting until Naruto disappeared again before scooping up the flowers.

The wind is screaming in Kakashi's ears, harsh and shrill, the Tobishachimaru high above him, Gai and the civilians plummeting to their death around him. Is this finally it? He thought, closing his eyes. It figures that he would die on his last mission anyway. Naruto wouldn't be able to save him this time, he pictured the defiant blue eyes and the wrinkle between the blonde brows that he always got when he was angry, and he would be angry once he learned how he had been banned from this mission. Don't waste too much time on being sad over me Naruto. His ninken would help him though, they would always look out for him. I should have told you… you're the only one that matters.

"You still have your problem I see," Gai mused, sitting comfortably beside him as they looked on at the wreck of the airship.

"Is now the proper time to talk about this?" He asked, throat raw and lip bloody from muffling his hacks, he was trying to get his breathing in order, the sharp thorns and roots making him wheeze.

"There's never any time like the present my friend!" The man winks and Kakashi repressed a groan, scrubbing his face with his hands. "It's been a year since then."

"I've been doing this for nearly two," he shot back, regretting it immediately when he sees the look of shock on his friend's face.

"Kakashi…" Kakashi sighed, letting his head fall back on his shoulders. "If you won't tell me, then I'll have no other option but to guess. Hmm, let me think which one of our fine youthful comrades could have captured your heart…" Kakashi tuned him out for a moment, looking up at the blue sky that they had just been in. A fucking airship, the times were changing and quickly. Naruto is going to be pissed, he grinned under his mask. "Naruto." Kakashi froze, almost subconsciously checking for the blonde's presence.

"Am I that transparent?" He asked, looking down at him, Gai's expression softened.

"On the contrary! But you allow yourself to suffer too much my friend."

"Can you blame me?" He snapped. "Look at us, look at him!"

"But isn't that his decision to make?" He flinches at the question, Gai's response sounding awfully similar to the lecture Shikamaru gave him. "I can understand why you'd allow yourself to suffer like this. But I must say enough is enough Kakashi." He looked back at his friend, his face completely serious.

"What are you implying?" He asked, scowling and Gai sighed.

"Kakashi, you are supposed to be the genius here my friend," he said softly, taking on a more serious tone than he had seen on the man in a long time. "If you won't come clean then, my rival, I will challenge you to do so!"

"I'm worried about how he'll react," he said quietly, spotting Sakura's pink hair as she healed someone. She wouldn't be happy either… "If he'll even talk to me at this point." He had made excuses and canceled meetings. Hell, their last conversation had been an argument about how Team Kakashi had essentially been dissolved. Then he had made a terrible excuse and disappeared.

"Duty calls Naruto." That was the last thing he had said as he disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving Naruto looking confused and hurt and shouting in the street.

"Ah, he does have quite the youthful vim and vigor your Naruto! But you know him better than most," Gai beamed. "You will find a way to speak to him."

"You have too much faith in me Gai," he sighed. "What if I'm dead anyway?"

"Where is your youthful positivity?" Gai cheered. "If this backfires then I will do four hundred laps around the Village!" Kakashi snorted, some things didn't change after all.

"And if I succeed?"

"Well then, I'll be the first person to cheer you on and we will both do laps to celebrate!"

"Hey, what's the deal Kakashi-sensei?" There's a flash of gold and suddenly Naruto is keeping stride with him on the busy street. His warm chakra brushing against his senses like it wanted to hold his hand. He should have known that Naruto would hunt him down.

"The grocery store is having two-for-one on instant ramen," he replied easily, not slowing down or looking up from Icha Icha.

"Wait, what?" Naruto stumbles for a brief second, his arms flailing, but then he's running to catch up. "Oi! That's not what I was saying!"

"But you would like to know if I'm telling the truth, wouldn't you?" He hides his smirk under his mask, still not looking up from his book. He has a feeling he already knows what the blonde is going to say. Maybe he could distract him for long enough…

"Well yeah, I wanna- agh! Stop distracting me!" He shouts and suddenly there's a strong hand hooking around his elbow and hauling him to a stop. So much for that idea.

"Yes?" He arched an eyebrow down at the man, he had gotten his hair cut short since he had seen him last. Naruto looked up at him, squinting his eyes as he scrutinized him. "Naruto," he sighs, finally closing his book. "Am I supposed to guess what's on your mind?" Naruto leans in some more and Kakashi is immensely reminded of Minato and how it always felt like he could see inside his head. He has to remind himself that neither of them actually had that ability.

"Why aren't you the Hokage yet?" There it is. He sighs again, looking skyward as if a miraculous bolt of lightning would strike and save him from this. "If you run, I'll hunt you down again."

"Now that sounds like a challenge," he drawled, feeling his heart pick up as Naruto smiled devilishly, eyes flashing, but the hand is still firm in the crook of his arm.

"C'mon Kakashi. What's going on?" His voice drops and he looks around as if he just realized where they were and surrounded by nosy people casting looks in their direction. The war hero and the not-future Hokage having it out in the street, it was good gossip.

"There are lots of things going on." Naruto's glare is back on him and his eyes are flashing red a second before there are hands fisting in his vest. He's surrounded by gold and there's a disconcerting feeling of being turned inside out, thrown around, put back together again, and then he's struggling to breathe in front of the waterfall.

"Shit! Are you okay?" Naruto's voice is concerned, and he takes a step forward but Kakashi waves him off, feeling like he'd fall apart under his touch.

"Just give me a second," he managed to grit out.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to! Well, I did, because there were a lot of people around y'know? And you're just so… so damn frustrating! But I've never traveled like that with anybody and I didn't think it'd be so bad!" Naruto rambled on, voice getting louder the longer Kakashi wheezed.

"As much as I enjoyed being your guinea pig," he turned around so that he could lower his mask and cough into his hand, barely managing to successfully stomp down the flower trying to tear its way out. Fuck you flowers, I win this time. "Never do that again."

"I'm sorry," the blonde repeated, running an anxious hand through his hair, the fingers of his new right-hand twitching at his thigh and Kakashi wanted to reach out and still the movement but he slipped his hands in his pockets instead. Space, he needs space for this. "But seriously, why can't you talk to me? Or us, I mean, we haven't seen you in ages! Don't say it's missions either!" He points his finger threateningly. "Cuz even Captain Yamato doesn't know what's going on with you."

"Naruto there are things going on that you don't understand," he pushes a hand through his hair. He's tired, but he's always tired these days. Between the nightmares and the flowers, he doesn't get much sleep anymore.

"Like what." Those defiant blue eyes were boring into him again. Like I'm a coward and I'm in love with you and I can only dream that you might feel the same. "There's something wrong with you isn't there?" Naruto's voice is soft under the noise from the water. Kakashi kind of wanted to laugh, there were so many things wrong with him, and now his emotionally constipated ass was too afraid to confess to the brightest thing he had ever known.

"How will he feel when he finds out you took that decision away from him again?" He looked at the young man. Naruto's face was surprisingly inscrutable, and he wondered what he was going to do.

"Enough is enough Kakashi."

"Yes," he answered, watching the shock and confusion flicker over Naruto's face.

"Then let me help you," he said, tone firm and demanding.

"What if this is something that you can't help with? You can't keep saving me Naruto." The man throws his hands up with a growl of frustration.

"How the hell do you know huh?" Naruto yelled, face going red as he tips into anger. "You keep fucking running away and you keep making me come after you! And guess what? I'm not going to stop anytime soon either, so you better get used to it!"

"Naruto," he shakes his head, he can't breathe, the vines and thorns in his lungs expanding through his chest.

"No shut up Kakashi!" He shouts over him; hands are back on his vest and pulling them down so that their foreheads were nearly crashing, and his vision is filled with blue and the sheer determination in his eyes. "Remember the butterfly weed? 'Let me go'? Well guess what, I'm never going to let you go so you better get it through that thick head of yours!" He felt dizzy, the lack of oxygen finally getting to him as his throat constricts even further. "I'm serious, go ahead and try it."

"Why?" He wheezed slightly, feeling the flower from minutes ago trying to come back. Naruto's hand drops and his face turns red for a different reason as he looks away.

"Well, because," he trails off and Kakashi can't help but think which of them is more likely to run in this moment. He had miraculously scrapped through another mission by the skin of his teeth. He couldn't run anymore, if he was meant to die for him then it would happen now.

"You have your answer right there, should you choose to face it."

"Naruto, I'm dying," the words tumbled out of his mouth like the first petals had two years ago and Naruto flinched like he had been slapped across the face.

"What the hell do you mean you're dying?!" He reaches out like he's about to teleport them again. "We should g-" Kakashi grabs his wrist and spins him around, pinning his arms behind his back with one hand and slapping his free hand against his mouth. Naruto could easily get out of this hold, but if he was going to get through this damn confession then he needed Naruto to be quiet and a respite from those eyes. He wondered if Naruto could feel the rattle in his chest as he pulled him closer.

"You're always making me repeat myself," he said softly, and Naruto grumbled incoherently against his palm and pulled at his hands. "I'm dying," he repeated, and the man hesitated. "I was supposed to die two years ago, hell, probably long before that," he chuckled darkly, and a distressed sound came out of the blonde. "Two years ago," he started again, closing his eyes, remembering leaving Naruto confused in the hospital as he tasked him with repairing the bells. Remembered thinking he was dead and then hearing him, so very stubborn and shouting for him to wake up. He wouldn't let me go. "You saved my life and I coughed up a flower." Naruto stiffened in his arms, his breaths hot against his hand, but he wasn't fighting him. "My lungs have been filling with flowers since then and it's killing me because I'm in love and I've been afraid to admit it." He carefully let him go, reaching into the pouch at his hip and pulled out the copy of The Tale of the Gutsy Shinobi that he had been carrying around all this time. Naruto frowned deeply as he took the book, eyes widening as his fingers brushed the lettering before flipping through the progression of pressed petals to full flowers.

"I don't understand! What the hell does being in love have to do with flowers or dying?" Naruto's voice is frantic as he looks back up at him. "If you're in love with someone then just tell them! Is it that girl from the mission you were just on? I can go get her! Just, just wait here!" His chakra surges and Kakashi grabs him by the shoulders because this idiot doesn't get it.

"Naruto calm down," he ordered, worried that he'll spirit away before he can finish and that'll be that.

"Calm down! You want me to calm down Kakashi?" He practically screeches, his own hands grasping painfully at Kakashi's upper arms. "Didn't you hear me when I said that I wasn't going to let you go? So lemme just-"

"Naru-," the cough tears through him violently, forcing him to his knees. He hears Naruto yell but it's faint compared to the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears as the agony sears through his blood and he's choking on the flowers in his mouth, unable to pass because his mask is still up. Shit Naruto isn't supposed to see this, there's gold in front of him and he can feel Kurama's chakra around him, panicked this time as it tries to fix him, but it doesn't soothe like before and it makes more flowers fall from his mouth. "I'm sorry," he tried to say, frantic blue eyes are all he can see. I'm sorry. "Naruto it's, it's you." He's not quite sure if he got it out or if the other heard him over his shouting.

"Kakashi! Hang on! Please!" the last thing he saw was gold and Naruto's blue, blue eyes before everything went inside out into darkness.

AN: Sorry for the delay! It seems I have to rewrite everything at least twice these days... this was gonna be three chapters but then this would have been crazy long and four better suited my propensity for clifhangers.

The flowers I didn't define:
Asphodel to indicate your regret will follow you to the grave
Rue for regret
Willow for mourning
Red marigold for grief
Anemone for forsaken love
Camellia longing

Love you!