There's been a factionless attack. Kyle and I are checking it out. I'll catch you later. Sent at 4:23 am.

I squint at the bright screen, not registering what I'm reading. Gunner is still soundly asleep. Clearly, it is too early for this.

"Ambush near Abnegation. The squad has one fatality and three badly injured. There were at least ten factionless. They intended to kill." Kyle reports robotically. Eric sits beside me. His mouth's set to a thin line. I trace circles on the back of his hand with my thumb under the table, an attempt to calm him. "They took their injured before backup arrived," he adds disdainfully. "And they were armed with guns."

Only Dauntless has guns.

"So there's a mole," Veronica concludes.

"Partially my fault," Kyle admits wearily.

Jack Kang would've commended him for his candor.

He rubs his face and sighs. "I did notice one to two guns going missing every month when inventorying, but I didn't think much of it. I figured it was a misplaced or a miscount."

Eric doesn't react like the rest of the horrified leaders, his features just as icy as when the meeting had started. He must've been aware of it prior. Kyle could told him as they were investigating.

Max grips the report way too tightly. His face is as constipated in displeasure. I don't blame Kyle. Anyone could've thought the same too, including Max.

Maybe not Eric.

Veronica is disappointed. However, she seems to have moved on from the fact Kyle has messed up. Her hand cradles a side of her face, deep in thought. She's the true role model here; we should all be following.

Cole is almost smug. He's fighting to keep a solemn expression, but I saw the way he lit up hearing the leader had failed. He knows Max will lose hope in Kyle if the situation prolongs, and he's counting on it.

Hyena.

He reminds me of the hyenas from Lion King - always scheming and waiting for the right moment to strike. This wouldn't be a problem if not for his above-average IQ.

As for Jessica, she's just downright infuriating. There's something about her high nose and hollow cheeks that doesn't settle well with me.

Or maybe it's her attitude.

"How long has this been going on?" the head of Dauntless asks in controlled calm.

Kyle hesitates to answer. "I haven't had time to fully analyze and tabulate the numbers, but I believe it could've been happening for more than a year."

"Guns are assigned to each member right?" Veronica thinks out loud. "You can identify which guns are missing and go from there."

"Check the security footage," Eric suggests, bordering irritated. "There are cameras in the weapons room."

"Well yes, we could identify the guns first. But there's a high possibility that the guns were backups. Those aren't logged when used, so people wouldn't have noticed if it had gone missing until counted." He slumps to on his seat, eyes bloodshot from having his sleep cut short. "And since the inventory count is only once a month, there are hundreds of hours of footage to go through. Not to mention having to track each gun that's used for the day."

An idea pops to my mind, but I hold my tongue. Kyle's not providing enough information, and I don't want to ask when everyone's so hostile. The fact the leaders are so worked up over a menial factionless attack is confusing.

Shouldn't situations like these be common, or the very minimum, anticipated?

Eric's leaning heavily against me despite the armrests wedging space between us. Like Kyle, the lack of sleep is taking a toll on him too. It doesn't help that he's been working late these past few days as well. He outright declined any help from me, saying that I've done more than enough already.

I beg to differ.

"Did you at least manage to recover any of the stolen guns?" an annoyed voice speaks up. Jessica is irritated, probably from being called to an emergency meeting an hour earlier before work starts. I can empathize with her, for I had to cut short my walk with the dogs and rush through my routine. The dogs - mostly Sabre - tend to be destructive when their energy isn't sufficiently burned in the morning. I won't be surprised if I were to return to the office with a chewed up dog bed. "We would have a lead on with the serial number if you did. Could start there."

"No. The factionless took off with the injured and any equipment they had before our backup arrived. There were three dead, but they had nothing on them. We've got nothing" Kyle stresses. "The squad members were the ones who reported the guns, we didn't see any when we arrived." His naturally tan complexion is pale, drained of energy from the morning's events.

This isn't a normal occurrence.

"Can I speak to you? Alone?" Kyle grimaces, and gestures for me to enter.

If I thought Max's office was bad, Kyle's is far worse. Files and papers are strewn across his desk with no indication of any order or system. Pens are buried between hills of paper, left abandoned until accidentally found. It's a stark contrast to Eric's and my office. At this rate, ours could pass off as an Erudite library. Kyle settles down heavily and makes a feeble attempt to clear the mess on his keyboard. "What's up?"

I squeeze my hands together. My heart is racing with no particular cause. There's no turning back now. "Were there any key people in the squad?"

"What do you mean?" He's staring at me blandly, possibly irritated by how a trainee - of all people – is telling him how to do his job.

It isn't that way; I hope he'll understand.

I swallow my insecurities. "As in, do any of the squad have key roles, maybe something like what Axel does?" I briefly recall Uriah and Zeke mentioning he's head of patrol. Kyle scratches his chin, frowning. "There might be a chance that the attack was to target one specific person. I doubt that the factionless would risk their lives only to ambush any squad."

Kyle flicks through the report he's holding, processing my words. "Tyler was leading the team. He's one of the officers for patrol, but he's a newbie." He extends the paper to me. "Another possibly you have to consider is that a group of factionless could've just wanted to cause a scare. You know, warn us that they aren't powerless and such."

My nose scrunches in doubt. "There's no way this attack was independent, nor it is one-off." Reading patrol reports every day has its benefits. This attack doesn't come as a huge surprise to me. The sightings were indications already. I'm disappointed I didn't realize it sooner.

He grows wary. "What are you suggesting?" He props his face with his arm on the armrest, too tired to keep his head up.

"I'm suggesting that there may be an entire assembly. And that this may just be the beginning of something big." He leans back on the chair, processing the possibility. "Factionless sightings are on a rise, meaning they are learning our patterns. It's a speculation, but it kinda makes sense. I doubt they'll risk their safety when they know the Dauntless are near."

"The factionless don't congregate. They never have," he counters monotonously, almost like he's speaking to an illiterate child. "And most factionless sightings are women or children." I ignore the hint of his perception of me.

The morning's report doesn't contain much for imagination. On it states the squad members, status, detailed injuries, and the technical information of the attack.

"If they don't, where are all the guns? I'm sure there are at least ten stolen. How many did the factionless have last night?" I challenge, trying my best to keep my voice leveled and collected. The last thing I need is for him to interpret my words as condensing and banish me from the office. Perhaps I should've given him some space to regroup before introducing my ideas. "It has been ingrained into our minds that people must live among those who share the same values. The factionless were once us, what's the difference?"

"Well yes, but-" he stops, my words sinking in. His mouth closes and he's speechless. From the way he's unmoving, I know he's trying to rake up a response. I wait quietly, not fidgeting. My palms are clammy, and I'm unsure why. Eric has always valued my opinions, regardless of our relationship. There's no reason to feel inadequate.

"That's not far-fetched," he says finally. His hand slowly reaches for the mouse, clicking half-heartedly. "If we were to assume that they do congregate… then… then…" his voices dies, not wanting to think anymore.

"It is easier for women and children to spy, for the squads wouldn't be as suspicious compared to if they were men," I add randomly.

"If what you're saying is true… We should start detaining them, remove their source of intel, or whatever."

"No," I blurt out, palms outstretched. He doesn't flinch, but I register the flash of annoyance at the climb in pitch. I clear my throat and continue carefully. "We can't let them know that we're on to them. The moment they realize, they will lash out quicker. We need to buy ourselves time to plan and locate the rat." Especially with everything that's going on with Jeanine, the leaders will be stretched thin. We need to tackle one issue at a time.

"So we let them continue learning about us?" he states flatly, unimpressed. Kyle is a hard person to talk to. I wish he was more encouraging like Eric. The only encouragement I'm getting here is not being kicked out for wasting his time. In some ways, it's better than nothing.

Not really.

"Reshuffle the squads' roster at random and increase the patrols. Once a week if possible. Do something as a consequence of the attack, not as a consequence of what we're suspecting. Play dumb, until we find who's feeding them information." My mind is racing despite feeling slightly disheartened. Strings of thought merging and splitting simultaneously. Ideas popping and questioned in my head. The mole could be anyone, but he's definitely someone who holds a rank. It's unlikely a common Dauntless can pull this off by themselves.

"Then what should we do to identify the person?"

"We wait. Check the footage. Track if any Dauntless has been exiting the compound at night. Don't install new cameras, for they will know we're onto them." My fingers are tapping in a staccato motion, nervous but excited at the thought of him considering my suggestions. "Slim down the period for inventory checks. Only do it with someone you trust - Axel maybe. The less people know, the less likely word will get out. He'll be on high alert now, so he'll be silent until everything dies down." I trust Eric has good judgment when it comes to making friends, even though Axel and I aren't on good terms.

"Or we could install thermal cameras in the weapons room and backtrack from there. The cameras aren't as clear at night." His eyes are one line. So much so that he could pass off as sleep talking.

"Yes."

"Okay. I'll tell Max and the rest later." He props an arm on the desk, waving me away. It's time to take my leave.

I rub my hands together like the action will give me courage. Now, I'll need to convince him to keep it low. "I think," my arm twitches, "this should be kept within as little people as possible. With no leads yet, this mole could be anyone," I suggest meekly.

Kyle scowls, reminding me much of Eric. It's been awhile Eric has given me that look – condescending and exasperated. If he has ever to begin with. More often than not, his scowls are playfully adorable, those directed to me, at least. "If anything, it's the leaders we should trust. Our sole goal is to lead and benefit the faction. Max of all people should know what's going on." Funny he'd say that…

I shrink back slightly, having expected but not expected this response. This man has been working with them for far more years than I. He wouldn't take my advice if I were to blatantly tell him they aren't all are to be trusted, namely Max and Jessica. "The more people that know, the less likely the plan will succeed," I tackle differently. "You can tell the leaders, but they'll tell their spouses, and it will cause a chain reaction. We don't have any leads yet. The person could be anyone."

He doesn't say anything, mulling over what I've said. This is a good sign. "At least until we find something. It's too risky now," I add carefully.

"Fine." He crosses his arms in begrudging displeasure. The Dauntless jacket strains against him. I've tried on these jackets before, forming an acute dislike immediately. The material is thick and unyielding, making me question how people go about their day under the hot sun. I've yet to find a logical reason for their usage too. Bulletproof vests still have to be worn during patrols. Practically the only reason why I would wear one, Eric's one specifically, is because it smells like him. These men have a lack of taste. They should ditch the jacket altogether. Tight dark colored shirts would undoubtedly garner more swoons. "That means you can't tell Coulter either," he blatantly points out.

I mentally roll my eyes. "Yes." Just another small item to add to the list of things I've been keeping from the only man I trust in this faction. No biggie.

Kyle stares at me. His mood is still low and gloomy. A part of me tells me that he's waiting for me to leave, but from the way he's looking, he wants to say something.

I am right.

Kyle breaks the silence with his monotonous words. "You know," he pauses, eyes never breaking eye contact. "I get why Coulter's into you."

I expected something along the lines of 'I don't know how you came up with this idea, but I like it', not this.

I blink, unsure to respond.

He continues as if he's talking more to himself. "You're capable, strong, smart, and innovative. I'm surprised you're settling with him." My nose scrunches at the insult to Eric. Eric is all those things too.

Kyle resumes anyway. "Coulter's harsh and volatile. Has he hurt you before? Physically?" his voice climbs higher as he asks the question, curious. "Probably has. Initiation, maybe." I want to correct him, but he's in a daze. "Why not other men? Aren't they more… tolerable?"

Kyle tilts his head to me, waiting expectantly. His ramble is weird, and unrelated to the topic at hand. It takes me a lot of effort to keep my mind in check. This conversation isn't worth dissecting. Kyle should be smart enough not to try anything funny. "Coulter's pretty patient." Especially when I'm physically lashing out on him. "He's not as bad as most people think." Calling Eric by his last name feels pleasantly natural, as if I've been doing it the whole time.

I like it.

"Huh," Kyle says dully. "What a score."

The last part was said as a mumble to himself.

I catch it anyways.

"Rest. I can manage on my own."

Eric has a blank stare, mirroring Kyle's hours before. The dark circles only growing more and more prominent as the hours tick by. "No." He's slouching on his chair, reminding me of a kid put on time-out. All he needed was a pout and frown to match.

I copy his blank stare. "Yes."

"No."

"Coulter," I growl. Eric's more kid than barbaric Dauntless leader, not that he, nor anyone for the matter, will ever admit.

He pauses at the sound of his last name. "Laker," he half-heartedly growls back.

"Look, it's just Amity. You hate the faction anyways and Johanna is more willing to negotiate with me. It's a win-win situation," I reason. A part of me wants to demand how he's going to survive through Amity at this state. He's smart enough to know it's almost mentally impossible.

Eric had assured me he was fine, that he doesn't need rest. Now it's past lunch, and his focus is only loosening. I caught him staring blankly at the screen for the past ten minutes. The mouse remained unmoved during the period, an indication that he wasn't paying attention to the information displayed at all.

"I've been through worse days," he states grumpily. "This is nothing." He's right. I have seen Eric on worse days. However this time, I have the power to do something about it.

I cross my arms. "Yeah, well, I don't care. You need to sleep."

"No."

"If you take a nap, you'll be more productive and can get more work done," I point out.

He doesn't consider my words, not even for a second. "No. I am strong."

I blink. He blinks back.

I didn't expect it to come to this, but I'm unsurprised it did. "You can nap in my room."

The proposal shuts him up. He doesn't say anything, blinking at me slowly with his vacant expression. I've just placed the second-best offer – the first would be to permanently move in - on his plate, and he knows it. "And the night?" he questions inanimately.

I sigh. "And the night," I agree. No way am I giving him the benefit of knowing that I secretly prefer him. Gunner would be terribly disappointed in me.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with my regal velcro boy.

It's just that Eric's warmer... and smells nicer.

"Okay." He gets up from his seat, heading for the door immediately. The computer is still running, the reports are still open.

I call out to him before he saunters out of the office. He looks over his shoulder and hums airily. "How do you know my code?" I ask. It occurred to me that there was no way Eric had managed to figure out my code the other day. The best conclusion I could come up with is him ringing up the tech room or something.

He blinks, wondering why of all the questions I asked, I settled with this. The hand on the door handle slips sluggishly, allowing the door to bounce as it collides with his side. "Hawk," he mumbles a beat later, walking out and letting the door swing shut.

Right.

I run into my dad on the way to the stables.

My dogs were the ones who noticed him first, running ahead with their tails spinning like propellers before I even register the moving form. They crowd around the man, jumping on the spot as he laughs and greets each one. He's wearing a sleeveless brown vest over his dark mustard long sleeve, the basic ensemble he wears every day.

Once he's done greeting and calming the trio, he opens his arms to me. I gladly enter his embrace. "Hi dad."

"Hey kid. Didn't think I'll catch you in time." He squeezes once before pulling away, placing his hands on my shoulders. "You look great. Your hair represents the dogs?" We're at the entrance of the stables. The dogs have continued their stampede to the barn, greeting every horse with the unwavering enthusiasm.

I grin. "It does. Got it during initiation." It'll be due for a touch-up in a few weeks.

The mood dips slightly. "Dauntless fits you, and you seem happy too." His lips form a wistful smile. "I'm glad you transferred," he says earnestly.

I pat his arm reassuringly, sensing he's soon falling into a nostalgic trace. "I'm still coming to visit, it's part of my job." Technically Eric's, but I don't tell him that.

He smiles a little and moves on like nothing happened. "Actually, I came by to drop off something for you. John informed me that you and one of the Dauntless leaders will be arriving today for a meeting. They're herbs; mom's recently taken an interest in them. She's obsessed," he chuckles light-heartedly.

My brain halts, puzzled.

Mom's never shown much interest in plants, preferring interactions with conscious beings. She even had planned dedicated rants about the green, time-consuming, ungrateful turds. My smile fades.

"Is mom alright?" The question is asked lightly. I didn't want to unbottle any stress my father may be going through. Unlike me, he's good at guarding his emotions when things are going the other way.

"She's fine. Growing herbs is her... coping mechanism." His reply is as much vague as it is peculiar. Without skipping a beat, his voice changes. "Hey, have you read the reports against Abnegation lately?" The conversation from earlier is gone; it's clear he doesn't want to speak of my mother mental health.

"I skimmed through some of them the other day." The reports no longer mean anything to me. It's just a cloak Jeanine uses to keep the attention off her true projects.

"They're outright atrocious!" he exclaims. "I tried to bring it up to Jeanine a few weeks back but she waved me off. She's definitely up to no good. Becky and I have been trying to extract information. I think we're getting pretty close to accessing one of the computers she keeps in the private labs." He sighs dramatically, disappointed with the antics of a grown woman who's completely unrelated to him. "She's been working on some kind of new serum."

I try not to frown at his words. My dad? Extracting information from Erudite? I don't like it. And I bet neither does mom.

I want to ask if it's dangerous, but I know the answer already. Instead, I try to swerve the conversation to the woman who had painstakingly raised me. "Is that why mom is distracting herself?" She must feel powerless. My dad is assertive, especially when the matter is serious. It's a problem at times, for he truly believes his actions are wise.

The Erudite are bad at differentiating wisdom and intelligence; my dad has retained the ideology.

He shrugs, and I catch the lie. "Who knows? She's been acting a bit off lately."

My chest tightens. "Oh. Is that why she hasn't been coming to Dauntless?" I question in faux naiveness. Meetings between ambassadors and leaders are common, occurring every once in a week. Occasionally I'll see some wandering on the leader's floor, or more often, in the compound. Amity has appeared numerous times, and none of them was mom.

The second his brows furrow slightly, I know he isn't aware of this face. The frowns evaporates before it has time to settle. "I'm sure she's there. Most of the time she's at the loading bay," he replies in cheerful ignorance.

She's not.

I would know, for Liam would tell me if Gunner acted hyper out of nowhere. My hands start to tremble.

"You're right. I guess I've just been too busy to notice," I agree, clasping my hands to stop their shaking. Hawk appears by my side. My boy whines softly, pressing his body to my calf. I reach my hand down to his fur, soothing him, which in turn soothes me. "I'm not there in the mornings anyway." The lies are for the benefit of my dad. Judging by his tense tone, the condition of his wife is affecting him far more than he let's on. "So, you were saying about Erudite?"

He's visibly relieved with his wife is no longer the subject of matter. "Becky's getting somewhere. I'm hoping we can also get our hands on the serum. I'm curious about the substances involved. Perhaps I could use them to engineer something else."

"Oh," I say neutrally, masking my alarm. "I'm onto Jeanine as well. I'll be bringing this up to Candor once I've gathered enough proof." Four did mention designing a device to hack into the system while remaining in the comforts of Dauntless, but so far, he's yet to come up with anything. This was the next best option.

It's hard to phrase the next words respectfully. "I can take over from you, it shouldn't be much longer," I suggest lightly.

He catches the part about Candor, completely ignoring my offer of his safety. "But the Candor are powerless. Especially since Dauntless are with Jeanine."

Mentally, I sigh. He wouldn't back down so easily. After all, he's been onto her before I'd even transferred. He must know what he's doing. Perhaps this isn't my business. I shouldn't disrupt his plans.

"Most of the Dauntless population are unaware of what's going on. It's the leaders that are pulling the strings. So I think Dauntless can still be won over, so long as we're not too late." I quickly learned that this whole thing with Jeanine isn't a leader-wide nor faction-wide project. From the impression I'm getting, I'm sure Veronica would be against whatever that's happening behind the scenes, and hopefully Kyle too.

It takes him a while to process my words. Once he does, his facial muscles relax from concentrating. "Right, right. Max and Eric are behind this, right?" he asks distastefully.

I chew my cheek, the sudden whim of defending Eric on the tip of my tongue. But my dad is right. The fact of the matter is: Eric is working with them, and he's yet to express otherwise. It's something I still find hard to swallow. It's especially hard when I see him every day.

"There's another one now, one of the guys from my initiation," I divert. "He seems like a threat." Cole's constant absence from the leadership's floor can only mean two things.

Jessica has him working around the clock – which is highly unlikely since her job relatively consists of nothing.

Or that Cole has been commuting to Erudite.

"Is it a tall man with dirty blond hair, piercings at the side of his ear and a – as mom describes – a punch-able face?" he asks warily.

For a moment I thought he was describing Eric and I grimace. "That's probably him. You've seen him around?" I ask apprehensively.

"He reminds me of a rat. Constantly snooping around." My father speaks as if he's eating a lemon. "The other two leaders often come to Erudite with a purpose – at least, from what I've seen. He, on the other hand, just lingers." I remain silent, digesting this new piece of information. Now I see my mother's unease is valid, with Cole around the corner, this can quickly turn ugly.

A ringing sound comes from him, disrupting our conversation. He glances down at his phone and rushes out his next words. "Hey, I've got to go. I'm supposed to check out one of the greenhouses, apparently the sprinkling system malfunctioned. The box is with Johanna." He pulls me into a quick hug. "I just want to say," he pauses, swallowing, "that we're extremely proud of you. With everything."

I can't find it in me to smile. "Be careful," I say. Dad's hiding stuff. What he's doing in Erudite… I don't like it one bit. I could go to mom about it, but I'm afraid of what I'll find when I do.

"I always am," comes his teasing reply.

I'm not referring to the greenhouses.

John appears after the meeting with Johanna.

He stands at the bottom of the stairs, his faintly crooked teeth on full display as he grins. "Hey." His brown eyes are warm and bright, something I haven't seen in a while.

My lips wobble, and I bite it down. My heart is heavy and loud in my ears, the new knowledge of my dad's actions, mom's health, the factionless attack, Cole's snooping, Jeanine's plans, Eric's involvement… It's like a hand's wrapped around my throat, nails digging in. Everything is crashing down and it's too much. I just want to sleep and never wake up. Hawk is still by my side. He's been jittery lately, whining and nudging my hand with his snout.

My cousin catches me the moment my foot hits the last step down. His grin had evaporated when I didn't mimic his gesture, worry rapidly clouding over his elation. My arms are around his waist and my face is crushed into the crook of his neck. He smells of hay and animals - a life I had left behind. It's been so long since I've seen him, so long since I could talk to someone about anything and everything. I wish I could be the same with Eric, but he's in the middle of it all.

"What's wrong?"

I lean against his side, my legs knee-deep in a stream. Sabre and Gunner have disappeared into the woods, taking full advantage of the luxe nature Amity has to offer. Hawk, on the other hand, has been as stubborn as a mule. He refused to leave, barking defiantly. The dog didn't even twitch when John threw a ball, choosing instead to elegantly settle down by my side. He currently has his head on my thigh, staring up to me as I idly stroke his fur.

John didn't say much after I silently broke down, suggesting we head to the woods to talk instead, where no one would catch me overstaying my welcome.

I don't know where to start.

"How are the dogs coming along?" he asks instead, and I'm grateful. The dogs are a subject going well in my life.

"Great. They all have their own little jobs. Sabre delivers items, Gunner helps with shipments, and Hawk is daycare." His ears perk at the sound of his name, tail wagging slightly. "He seems to love kids a lot." Despite being genuine, my words still sound forced and robotic; I try to fix it.

"He's still at it?" John asks in surprise. "I had some issues with him after I stop sending the dogs to help out the farmers. He kept herding the toddlers at the playground like they were sheep. Fern wasn't happy with it, even though it did make her job somewhat easier…"

"Yeah, he herds them still," I chuckle. "The Dauntless don't mind as much, surprisingly. I guess the kids are pretty hellish." And completely head-over-heels for my dog.

John picks up a pebble, smoothen after years of running water, and begins examining frivolously. "And you train them still? Alone?"

"Nah, there's someone who helps. He canceled today though, something came up." The cancellation is nothing new, Four has been unable to help more frequently now. Perhaps he's held up with everything going on with the factionless. I didn't particularly mind, for I would take the dogs out for a run outside the compound. It's nice to have a change in scenery every once in a while.

Today, his timing is perfect, for I'm able to stay in Amity longer.

"I see you've replaced me." His chuckles are rueful, but I know he's happy at the revelation.

He pauses before asking the next question.

"Is it Eric?" I don't turn to see his expression as he mentions the leader's name. John will oppose my relationship with Eric once I spill the beans - if he isn't already.

I did consider asking Eric multiple times. Maybe I should in the future. He would be pleasantly surprised to see how powerful the dogs are.

"It's another. We're friends."

"My replacement or Eric?" John asks suspiciously.

"Your replacement." Saying it sounds wrong. No one can replace John. He's the only one who's stuck by me through the darkest years of school. He understood me, taking me under his wing despite coming from an entirely different faction.

I love him.

John's smart, and he knows exactly what he's doing when he phrases questions. "And Eric?"

"He's…. he's actually what I want to talk to you about." John is currently the only person I can turn to. I realized this during my episode of self-loathe and moping. He of all people would understand where I'm coming from - hopefully.

John recoils, causing me to straighten up. His eyes are guarded when I finally turn to him. "Did he do something to you?" he asks slowly, keeping his gaze on my face to catch any betrayal of expression.

I sigh, not blaming him for assuming so. "It's not that. Eric and I are together." John moves to interrupt, and I quickly cut him off with a palm. "He's a good man. Cares for me and the dogs. He was one of the reasons I manage to bring them over in the first place." John takes in the information the same way as Four did - stunned. His lips part in surprise. "He respects me too, more than anyone in the faction. When I'm with him, things become... easy."

"Eric Coulter?" John clarifies in disbelief, hair flops to his face. "The one who comes here with a permanent scowl, argues with Johanna, and takes initiates away?" John is appalled, rightfully so. "I mean, I knew something was up when he brought you to visit, but..." He frustratingly combs a hand through his hair, flicking it to the side. His hair has grown from the last time I've seen him, coming to the nape of his neck. He used to un-amity-ly slam anyone who suggested he grow a mane. He must have had a change of heart.

I grimace. "Yeah. That's him."

"How-" he pauses in anguish and looks away.

Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes, not in exasperation, but in something I can't pinpoint. My hand continues sifting through a resting Hawk, my attention to my comfort animal. I know how John would react, and I'm ready for it. I can't expect him to immediately accept my questionable choices when else no one did.

His reply surprises me.

"Okay," he sighs defeatedly. "Okay."

"He's better now," I add meekly, still uncertain on what he means. It's unreasonable for me to expect John to be fine with it, so I don't.

"I believe you," my cousin replies. I catch his gaze. "I've seen him better before," he mumbles, swallowing thickly.

"You know him? Personally?" I prod, confused.

He nods. "Yeah. We were in the same group back in school. Same age and same faction, remember? We used to be friends," he admits lowly.

I blink. John has never once mentioned Eric, neither have I ever seen them together. That being said, I don't recall seeing Eric at school, unless he went through a drastic change in appearance. This is completely new.

"What happened?" My mood has shifted, curious about Eric before Dauntless and John's relationship with him. "Did something happen?"

Pain crosses his face. His mouth grim. "He…" The gears in his mind are shifting, expression conflicted. "He dropped out suddenly. Never saw him again till Choosing Ceremony. By then, he was a completely different person. I couldn't recognize him." His speech is slow and detached; I've opened a wound.

I frown. "You mean he disappeared… just like that? No reason at all?"

John pulls his leg from the stream, wrapping an arm around it. "I believe something happened to Elsa, his twin sister. Both of them left on the same day." He swallows, sourly chucking the stone he was holding into the running water. "I didn't see her at the Choosing Ceremony."

Mt first thought is she must be dead.

It makes sense. I've been glued to Eric side during work. Not once has he visited Erudite for a girl, or any faction, for the matter. It's always about meeting the leaders and work, never anything else.

"Oh," is my dumb response. They grew up without parents, only had each other. Jeanine's voice flits through my mind. I recall her melancholic smile. Now everything clicks. "Okay."

John's eyes glaze over, and I get the feeling that he was close to Eric's twin. "The second day they didn't turn up to school, I tried to contact them. I-I-I even went to their apartment, but they... vanished. The place was vacant, the door was open and there was nothing inside." His voice climbs higher and higher and so does the speed. "E-Elsa has never not pick up my calls, and I was so scared when it kept going voicemail and no one knew where they went neither did the teachers and and it-" He swallows and covers his eyes with his palms. He remains in this position for a minute. "We were fourteen at that time," he says calmer.

It's a lot to take in.

I don't know what to say. John was fifteen when he took me under his wing. It pains me to know he's been hurting all this time, and I never suspected anything. He was always chirpy and willing to help, already displaying an aptitude for Amity, more so than me. Did he transfer here as an escape?

When he speaks again, the broken-heart person seconds ago was gone. "And then Eric became a leader. I tried catching him alone in the beginning. I thought maybe it was just a coincidence Elsa wasn't at the Choosing Ceremony, like she was sick or something." He's flat, as if reading the news out loud. "He completely brushed me off, didn't even acknowledge her. He's so cold and rude that I often wonder if our friendship was all but a daydream I made up because I was bored."

"I'm sorry."

I'm sorry for not being there for him, for being caught up with my own stupid problems all the time. I'm sorry Eric had shut him off, never granting him the closure he needed. I'm sorry that there's nothing I can do for his loss; for both their losses.

He replies to my generic answer in kind. "It's fine. I'm moving on."

We slip into silence, each with our thoughts. If Eric's involvement with Jeanine is linked to his sister's death, my chances of convincing him otherwise have washed down the drain. He must be seeking vengeance.

I swallow thickly at the revelation. Fear creeping up once more. My heartbeat can be felt at my neck. It is quick and heavy.

I can't do this.

Hawk lifts his head, licking my chin.

John finally breaks the silence, his solemn mood evaporated. "So, what about him?"

"I-I…" My intention of seeking advice leaves me. It's one thing to persuade someone to ditch their work, but it's another to tell them to forgo justice for their loved ones.

My stare is trained on John. If anything were to happen to him… especially during my darkest times in school, I would've cracked. It scares me to picture not having him around. He taught me the ropes of life where my parents couldn't. He was always there for me, even when he had priorities. I often felt guilty, knowing that he canceled plans because I wasn't coping well. He'd laugh it off, telling me the high standards are for when I find my future partner.

And he is only my cousin, a teen who lived a faction apart. And I had a perfectly normal family.

Eric didn't have neither; I can't imagine what he went through.

My head shakes. "It's nothing."

John narrows his eyes. "Doesn't seem like nothing. You were pretty troubled back there."

I cradle my cheek with my hand, the other busy fishing for a pebble. "There's a lot going on, I guess. A factionless attack happened last night. It was at Abnegation. The patrol team were ambushed."

"Was Eric there?" he guesses.

I laugh dryly. There's no way he's going for any of that. His life is too important to me. "No, but things have just been tense. Dad and mum are also acting weird. I'm trying not to dwell on it. There's not much I can do." At the mention of my parents, my cousin chews his cheek, looking away. He must know what's going on. "You don't have to tell me. It's fine," I say.

"Okay."

Honestly, the one with most on their plate is me. I'm known to breakdown under too much pressure. Remaining in the dark about my parents may not be the most responsible move, but it is the healthiest. I'll come back to them once I clear some off.

Starting tonight.

'Ding! Di-din-di-din-ding! Di-di-di-ding! Ding! Dinnnnn…'

Hawk wags his tail in utter delight. His paw is still on the doorbell. I don't have it in me to stop him. The train ride home was long, and I spent most of it thinking of my next move. I'm completely drained and miserable.

'Di-ding!' The box is my arms is strenuous and at the brink of disintegrating. Leave it to my dad to pick out the worst carrier possible. I had to stop a few times on the way to the apartment to readjust.

The light brown pup continues his mischievous antics until the handle dips and clicks. The door opens calmly, revealing the man who's the center of both my problems and solutions.

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

Drawing a breath, I close my eyes and force out the words I've been practicing aloud on my way here.

"We need to talk."

A/N

Exams are over, and I'm feeling more stressed now class has resumed. I'm not optimistic of being able to churn out the next chapter (mini writer's block and grossed by my work haha or... it's just the cold I'm having)

Regardless, chapter 37 will still be out next week.

Thanks for reading!

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