Chapter 164
"Hi Sara, everything went according to plan" said Addison. "Ha… according to plan" said Sara and looked away. "The procedure went smoothly" said Addison. Sara swallowed hard and closed her eyes. "The nurse said your temperature is normal, so is your BP and heart rate. We're ready to move you into a normal ward now. I've pulled a few strings and I got you a private room" said Addison. "I want to go home now" said Sara as Addison started removing the electrodes on her chest. "We're just going to keep you overnight for observation" said Addison. "No… I want to go home" said Sara and tried to sit up and pull her gown off. "Sweetie… you have to stay here. You're receiving some IV antibiotics and they really need to keep an eye on you tonight. You're still a bit groggy" said Kate softly pushing her back. "You're a doctor… you can k
eep an eye on me" said Sara. Kate looked up at Addison and lifted her eyebrows in a question. "I'm sorry Sara… hopefully it's just till morning" said Addison. "Kate will take care of me" said Sara becoming teary again. "I can't let you go home tonight Sara, I will allow Kate to stay with you though" said Addison. Sara just closed her eyes and turned on her side with her back towards Kate clutching a pillow. An orderly pushed Sara out of post-op into a private room. Addison put her hand on her upper arm. "Get some rest, I'll check on you later" she said. Kate sat in silence next to Sara's bed for the next few minutes rubbing her back softly.
"Sweetie… can I send Tegan in for you? If you don't want to see anyone I'm sure she'll understand" said Kate sweetly while touching Sara's cheek. Sara gave a large, shuddering sigh. "It's okay, send her in. Go get some fresh air Kate" said Sara. "I want to stay with you" said Kate. "Babe, please just give me a few minutes alone with Tegan" said Sara turning on her back. Kate smiled a half-hearted smile. "Of course" she said and got up. She knew that she would probably never be able to truly understand Tegan and Sara's relationship and she knew she shouldn't attempt to. "I'll be right outside if you need me" said Kate walking towards the door. "That's not fresh air. Go outside, go for a walk. I'm fine" said Sara. Kate just looked at Sara in silence for a few seconds before speaking. "Okay… ask one of the nurses to page me if you need me. I've also got my phone with me" said Kate. "I will… love you" said Sara. Kate walked back to Sara's bed and kissed her softly.
Kate entered the waiting room and saw a distressed Tegan with her head in her hands rocking backward and forward. "Tegan… she's ready for you" said Kate looking spooked. "Thank you" said Tegan jumping up. "Is… Is she okay?" asked Tegan. "She's… no… she's heartbroken" said Kate and put her hand in front of her mouth to keep her sobs inside. "Okay… it's going to be alright. She's going to be fine… You are too" said Tegan hugging Kate. "Chin up buddy" said Tegan. "Uh huh" smiled Kate through her tears. "Go get some fresh air, I'll call you if she needs you" said Tegan.
Tegan stood outside Sara's room for a minute trying to get together the courage to face her sister. Addison walked past. "Tegan… she's going to be okay" she smiled. "It's just so… unfair you know" said Tegan shaking her head. "I know" said Addison. "Why do I get to have two gorgeous, healthy babies and Sara…" Tegan trailed off. "Well, why did you and Lindsey have to try so many times before that happened? Why did you have to spend months in ICU and Sara didn't? We'll never have all the answers Tegan" said Addison. "Yeah I guess" said Tegan sighing.
Tegan slowly opened the door and saw her sister lying on a bed staring out of the window. She took a deep breath to compose herself. Sara felt Tegan's presence immediately but didn't turn her head to face her twin, she was desperate to keep herself from breaking down. "Sasa" said Tegan softly and took Sara's hand in hers. Sara turned her head to Tegan and opened her eyes. As soon as she saw her sister the dam walls just broke, for both of them. Tegan threw her arms around her sister and just held her as she sobbed. She didn't say anything. She didn't have words and besides, she knew that nothing she could say right now would make it better.
Sara sobbed into Tegan's shoulder as she held her tight. "Teetee… why did this happen, what did I do wrong?" Sara wept. "I don't know Sar…. but what I do know is you didn't do anything wrong" said Tegan softly while rubbing Sara's back up and down. "Don't let me go Tee… I need you to anchor me right now" said Sara. "I've got you… I'm not going anywhere. It's alright, everything's going to be okay" said Tegan, Sara still shaking in her arms. "I'm so sad… and angry… and… tired… and…" said Sara sitting back against the pillows. "That's understandable, you have every right to feel that way" said Tegan and poured Sara a glass of water and held the straw to her lips. "Go home Tegan" said Sara. "I'm going to stay with you a bit longer" said Tegan and patted Sara's thigh. "Tee, you have a wife and two babies waiting for you" said Sara. "They're fine Sara. They can cope without me for a few hours. Right now I need to be here for you" said Tegan. "I'm okay" said Sara and smiled weakly.
Being with her twin somehow calmed the raging storm within her although her mind was still filled with dark clouds and rain. "Tee… do you think Kate's okay? She's trying to be strong for me but the truth is… I don't want her to… I just want us to be broken… together" said Sara. "Sar… this is just as hard on her you know… don't push her away. She's just trying to make this better for you" said Tegan. Sara just shook her head. "I don't know why the fuck I'm so upset anyway… It was still so early… but…. I had an image of her in my mind already… we daydreamed about her… we talked about it nonstop… we… we loved her" said Sara tearing up again. "I know…. Shhhh, it's okay sis" said Tegan holding Sara again. A few minutes later a nurse walked in "Five more minutes please. Sara needs her rest" she said. "Okay… thanks" said Tegan. "Sar… Your baby… will always be right here" said Tegan and put her hand on Sara's heart. "Thank you Tegan" said Sara. "Can I call mom for you?" asked Tegan. "No" replied Sara without explanation. "Sara… I'm sure she'd want to know?" said Tegan. "I haven't even told her about the pregnancy yet. Just… don't tell her…. I'll deal with mom in my own time" said Sara. "But Sara" said Tegan. "Tegan! I said… I will tell her when I'm good and ready" said Sara loudly. "Okay… I'm sorry, I won't tell her anything" said Tegan. "Thank you… I just… I need some time to deal with all on my own first" said Sara.
A while later Tegan said goodnight to Sara and promised to see her in the morning. "Kate" said Tegan looking at her friend lying in the foetal position on the couch in her office. "She okay?" she asked without moving. "She's okay…. She's asking for you" said Tegan sitting down next to Kate. "I'm not much help to her right now" said Kate. "Of course you are" said Tegan. "I think that… she must think that I don't… understand… but… that was my kid too Tegan…. And…. It's just… it's difficult you know… to be strong" said Kate becoming emotional again. "Of course it was. Kate, Sara doesn't want you to be strong for her… she wants you to grieve with her. She wants you to share her pain" said Tegan. "I do share her pain" said Kate still curled up. "I know… just be with her Kate… don't be her doctor right now… be her partner" said Tegan.
Kate walked back into Sara's room and found Addison examining her. She put her hand on Sara's head and lightly stroke her hair. They both looked like hell. "I'm going to prescribe you something for the pain and something to relax you now Sara. Hopefully you'll feel a lot better after a good night's rest" said Addison. Sara nodded. "Please go ahead and knock me out" she said with a half hearted laugh. "Nurse will be back soon with the meds okay. Goodnight guys" said Addison.
"Hey my love" said Sara. "Hey Sar… are you okay?" asked Kate. "I'm okay… or at least… I think I will be" said Sara. She softly touched Kate's face. "Kate I…." said Sara before getting cut off by the nurse entering the room. "Ms Quin, got your meds ready" said the nurse and pulled up something into a syringe. Kate resisted the urge to pick up Sara's chart so see what the Doctor prescribed. "That should kick in in a few minutes. Please just press the button if you need anything" said the nurse before leaving the room. "Kate… please stay with me" said Sara. "Of course I'm going to stay with you" smiled Kate. "I want you next to me" said Sara. Kate nodded and kicked her shoes off before carefully getting into the hospital bed next to Sara. "You better lift the barrier before you fall off the bed" said Sara with a hint of a laugh in her voice. "Yep, won't that be hilarious" said Kate and lifted the barrier before taking Sara in her arms and putting her head on her chest. "Sleep now my angel… I love you" Kate whispered and kissed Sara's hair. Sara had the sudden urge to talk it all out but she felt the meds start to take control of her body and eyelids. "Love you" she whispered before slipping into a restless sleep filled with strange, dark dreams.
Tegan walked straight into the main bedroom the moment she got back home. Lindsey was asleep in bed with a book on her stomach and her reading glasses still on her nose. Tegan smiled and walked to the crib. She leaned over and touched her babies softly. "I love you so much" she whispered through her tears. She stared at them for a minute before moving to pick Casey up. "Hey… what are you doing?" said Lindsey sweetly behind her, stopping her in her tracks. "I just… I have the overwhelming urge to hold them" said Tegan. Lindsey put her chin on Tegan's shoulder. "How about you resist that urge for an hour or so, then you can hold them as long as you want" she whispered. Tegan turned around and looked at Lindsey, her bottom lip started quivering. "Is everything okay Boo? Is Sara okay?" asked Lindsey. "Yeah, she's okay... physically at least. It must be so hard... Looking at these two… it just makes it all hit home you know" said Tegan wiping her cheek. Lindsey held Tegan in her arms. "I know... it's okay Boo... It's late, let's get some sleep" said Lindsey.
Kate was awake most of the night with a drugged up Sara sleeping in her arms. Her body was now aching from the uncomfortable position she was in but she dared not move until Sara was awake. Sara mumbled something incomprehensible. "Sara" Kate whispered. Sara smiled in her sleep and Kate relaxed. A few minutes later Sara stirred. "Morning" said Kate softly. "Morning" said Sara, a hint of sadness in her voice. "How are you feeling?" asked Kate. "Better" said Sara. "Good… Sar can I please get up, I have pins and needles in my ass" said Kate. Sara laughed. "Oh okay then if you have to". Kate fumbled out of bed and started shaking her leg around and hopping to get the blood moving. Sara laughed. "You look ridiculous" she said looking at Kate's hair standing in a weird direction. "Good morning" said Addison entering the room. "Glad to see some kind of smile on your face" she said. "Hmmm" is all Sara said. "I'm sure you would like to get out of here as soon as possible so let's do that ops check real quick" said Addison.
"You're okay to go Sara. After you've had some breakfast. Please take it easy for a few days" said Addison after examining Sara thoroughly. "I will, thank you" said Sara before Addison left. Kate jogged out behind her. "Addy" she said. "Kate?" said Addison. "Is she… are you sure… I mean… no long term problems to be expected?" said Kate. "Yes Kate, I'm sure. There won't be any long term problems no… you guys should be able to give it another go in about a month or two" said Addison. "I don't know… I think I'll do it this time" said Kate. "Really?" said Addison. "Don't know yet… anyway I need to go, Sara needs me" said Kate. "Call me if you need anything Kate. Oh and Kate… do you want the… remains. I wouldn't be asking if Sara wasn't in such a state about it yesterday" said Addison. The blood seemed to drain from Kate's face. She swallowed hard. "Yes please… Just… I'll pick it up from the lab before we leave. Please just don't give it to Sara" said Kate. "Kate... it will get easier... you'll get through this" said Addison. Kate just nodded and turned around with slumped shoulders.
Kate walked back into the room and found Sara sitting upright. "Ready to go?" asked Kate. "Yeah just waiting for the nurse to get rid of this thing" said Sara pointing at the IV in her hand. "Well you're in luck, I happen to know somebody that can do that" said Kate. "If you're okay with it?" she said quickly. "Of course I am" said Sara holding her hand out. Kate put some gloves on and gently and slowly started peeling the see through dressing off. "I dreamed about her Katy" said Sara while Kate was working. Kate briefly stopped and clenched her jaw before continuing. "Oh yeah?" she said. "It was amazing" said Sara. "It was sad and sweet… and… and… anyway…. Let's get out of here" said Sara as Kate slowly pulled out the cannula and put a cotton wool bud on the spot. "All done" she said and kissed Sara's hand. "Okay let's go" said Sara. "Breakfast first babe" said Kate. "I really don't feel like breakfast" said Sara and got out of bed. "Sara… please" said Kate sweetly. "I just want to get out of here" said Sara. "And we will after breakfast" said Kate. Sara was slowly losing her cool. "Fuck breakfast" she breathed and started getting dressed. A nurse walked in with Sara's breakfast. "Thanks but we'll have breakfast at home if that's okay" said Kate and gave Sara a weird look. "Not sure Dr Montgomery will be happy with that but okay… you're the doc" said the nurse.
Sara didn't fight too much when Kate forced her into a wheelchair to be pushed to the car but she did mumble under her breath. "This is ridiculous…" she said with her head in her hand. "Sorry Sara… rules" said Kate. Sara stared out in front of her clutching her bag on her lap. Her phone rang and she looked at the screen. "Tegan… Ughhh…. Not now" said Sara but answered nonetheless. "Hey" she said sounding annoyed. "Hi Sar… How are you feeling this morning" asked Tegan. "Much better thank you. On my way home now" said Sara trying to sound upbeat. "Great news… Do you need anything? What can I do to help?" asked Tegan. "Nothing thanks… just… give us some space" said Sara. "Oh… okay" said Tegan taken aback. "Tee…. I just need a bit of alone time" said Sara. "Of course. Well… you know where to find me if you need me… for anything" said Tegan. "Yup… thanks" replied Sara. "Sara… promise me you'll call me if you need me" said Tegan. "Yes Tegan… I'll call you" sighed Sara.
Sara didn't say much on the way home. Kate tried her best to make a bit of smalltalk but soon gave up and they drove home in silence. As soon as the car stopped in front of the house Sara got out and waited at the door for Kate to unlock. "I'm going to take a shower" said Sara. "Do you need anything? Do you need help?" asked Kate. "No… I'm not an invalid… I can take a shower on my own" snapped Sara. "Jeez Sar just trying to be helpful" said Kate and shook her head. "Sorry" mumbled Sara and walked to the bedroom.
Sara came back into the kitchen a few minutes later with her hair still wet. "Breakfast is served" said Kate and put a plate of scrambled eggs and toast down in front of Sara and poured her a glass of orange juice. "Thanks" said Sara and started pushing the food on her plate around. "I can really do with some coffee, I'll put some on" said Sara. "I've got it" said Kate and got up to make the coffee. "Kate I'll do it" said Sara. "Just relax and enjoy your breakfast" said Kate. Sara rolled her eyes and took a bit of toast.
Sara only managed half of her breakfast and a cup of coffee before getting up. "Thank you, that was lovely" she said and walked to the room. She returned a minute later with a massive heap of washing and started chucking it into the washing machine. "Sara don't... I'll do that" said Kate. "I'll do it" said Sara annoyed. "Sara just get some rest" said Kate. "Life goes on Kate... I've got this" yelled Sara and started throwing clothes into the washer faster and with more force. "Sara... sweetie" said Kate softly just looking at the spectacle unfolding. Sara just kept going. "Sara come here" said Kate calmly and took Sara into her arms. She held her tight to stop her from moving. Sara broke down almost instantly and started sobbing hysterically. "It's okay, I've got you" whispered Kate through her own tears. Sara just kept sobbing and fell to her knees taking Kate down with her. "It's okay... we're going to get through this" said Kate sitting on a pile of washing holding Sara in her arms.
They sat like that for a long time, just weeping in each other's arms. "Hey... I've got an idea... let's get out of here" said Sara softly. "Where do you want to go" said Kate. "I want to... go somewhere peaceful... and I want to... get some closure" said Sara. "Anything you want angel" said Kate and kissed Sara's hair.
Sara and Kate stood outside the cabin next to the lake holding a shovel each. "This is the spot" said Sara and started digging. Kate nodded and started digging. She dug as fast and hard as she could while Sara just stared at her in a daze. She was soon sweating profusely but kept going harder and faster. Suddenly she just started sobbing but kept digging. "Why... why do we have to let her go... I don't understand" she mumbled through sobs. "Kate... Katy" said Sara putting her hand on Kate's back. "It's okay... that will do" said Sara staring at the deep hole. Kate threw the shovel aside and sat back on her bum with her head in her hands. "I'm sorry Sar... I'm sorry just give me a minute" said Kate through her tears. Sara sunk down next to Kate and put her arm around her shoulders. "It's going to be alright sweetie... just take some deep breaths" said Sara through her own tears. They sat like that for a while looking at the sun dancing on the water. Kate turned and took a small wooden box out of her bag with shaky hands. "You ready?" she asked. Sara nodded and bit her bottom lip. Kate got up and moved to the hole. "Hang on" said Sara and joined her. She put her hand on the small box and pulled Kate closer. "Just for this moment... we're a family" whispered Sara.
Kate and Sara gently put the wooden box in the hole. "We didn't even name her" said Sara. "We didn't even know it's a her" said Kate. "Let's do that now. Let's just give her a name that could work for a boy or girl" said Sara. "Yeah because when we see her in heaven and he's a boy with a girl name he's not going to be happy" laughed Kate through her tears. "Do you believe in heaven Katy?" asked Sara holding Kate's hand. "I do... now more than ever" said Kate and put her arm around Sara.
"Jessie" said Sara after a minute. "Good name" smiled Kate. "Jessie... we want you to know that we love you so incredibly much. This love will never go away. You will always be right here in our hearts" said Sara with her hand on her heart. "We'll always love you baby... I guess heaven needed another angel. We'll miss you every second... and we'll never forget you... we'll never forget how incredibly happy you made us in the short time you were with us. We love you" said Kate through her tears. Sara and Kate stood like that for a few minutes before Sara moved to pick up the shovel. She started slowly putting soil back into the hole, her sobs growing with ever shovel full. Kate picked up her shovel and started helping Sara. When the hole was about half full Kate picked up the tree and put it into the hole. "Whenever we see this tree, that will grow strong and proud we'll think of you and know that you're laughing and playing and looking down on us with love" said Sara and started filling the rest of the hole. They eventually sat down next to the tree. Sara turned to Kate and wiped Kate's dirt and tear stained, sweaty cheek. "I love you" she whispered. "I love you too, so much" said Kate and held Sara tight.
A/N: Sad chapter :( Please remember to review