Chapter 166
Sara saw Kate jogging into Dr Montgomery's waiting room looking flustered. "Hey, sorry I'm late. Surgery ran long" said Kate and kissed Sara on the cheek. "No problem, I've only been waiting for a few minutes" said Sara and smiled. Kate sat down and sighed. "How'd it go?" asked Sara. "How'd what go?" asked Kate. "Surgery?" said Sara. "Oh... sorry... It went well. One or two kinks but we managed to sort things out. It was a tough one" said Kate fidgeting. "Kate... calm down, take a few deep breaths" smiled Sara. Kate smiled back and exhaled deeply. "Sorry, crazy morning" she said.
"Sara, Kate! Happy new year! Few days late but none the less" said Addison walking into the consulting room. "Hi, you too thanks" repeated Sara and Kate. "So, how are the mom's to be?" smiled Addison. "Good! But bloated" laughed Sara. "That's good. How's the morning sickness?" asked Addison. "It's actually a lot better. Still there but it's manageable" said Sara. "Good, anything else I should be aware of?" asked Addison while making notes. "Mmmm... nope" said Sara shaking her head. "Great, I believe the nurse has taken some blood samples already. Hop onto the table and let's have a look" smiled Addison. Kate smiled and helped Sara onto the exam bed. "You guys have a good Christmas?" asked Addison trying to make smalltalk while taking Sara's BP, pulse and temp. "We had a great Christmas thanks. Spent it with both our families. Told them the good news. They're all over the moon" said Sara and smiled at Kate. "I can imagine! How are Tegan's little ones? And Erin's! They must have been spoilt rotten" said Addison. "You have no idea!" laughed Kate. "They're doing great, getting so big" said Sara. "Okay, all your Ops are looking just fine. Let's do the doppler now" said Addison and put the doppler machine onto Sara's belly that was starting to show very slightly. Kate gave Sara a comforting wink and squeezed her hand. The machine immediately picked up a fast heartbeat. "There we go... nice and regular, strong" said Addison. Sara exhaled and smiled. Addison moved the machine around a bit, then again and again. "What's wrong" said Kate sternly. "Hang on... nothing to worry about. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish the two heartbeats on the doppler this early. I'm going to switch to the ultrasound" said Addison. Sara closed her eyes and swallowed hard.
Sara felt a chill run up her spine as Addison squirted gel on her belly. Kate softly kissed her knuckles. Sara turned her head and looked straight into Kate's green eyes. Kate's mouth smiled but her eyes didn't. It scared Sara. Addison flicked the machine on. "There's baby number one, good strong heartbeat... peeeerfect size" said Addison before pointing out a few things on the screen. "So tiny" said Sara softly. Addison moved the probe around, she poked around a bit with her fingers and tried another angle. Kate started breathing faster and closed her eyes. "Kate?" said Sara sounding scared. "Hey sweetie, I'm right here" said Kate trying to sound upbeat but her voice was giving away her anxiety. "Guys... I don't know how to tell you this" said Addison. "No... please no" said Sara in tears. Kate put her hand in her hair. "If you look at the screen over here... you'll see foetus A right here, and here you'll see foetus B" said Addison pointing at a spot about half the size of the first. Kate gave a stifled sob. "I don't understand... I... what's going on?" said Sara trying to sit up. "Sara... foetus B doesn't have a heartbeat, and as you can see, it has stopped growing. I'm sorry... your second baby didn't make it" said Addison. "Oh God no... no, no, no... this is all our fault... all our fault, I shouldn't have tried again" bawled Sara. Kate just held her in her arms. "Sara listen to me... calm down and listen" said Addison. After a minute or two Sara calmed down a little bit. "Foetus A is perfectly fine. Everything is on track. This is not an uncommon occurrence. In fact, it happens in about 1 in every 8 multi-foetal pregnancies" said Addison. "But... I feel fine, everything feels fine. I feel nothing like last time" said Sara sounding confused. "Sara, this is called 'Vanishing twin' syndrome. You won't have a miscarraige like the first time. The foetus will either get reabsorbed by your body, or by the twin or in rare cases simply get delivered with the other foetus. There is no risk to the remaining foetus" said Addison. "But... how long... how long has... it... been... um... you know" said Sara through her tears. "From what I can tell by the size, it probably stopped growing about two weeks ago" said Addison sympathetically. "But I didn't feel anything" said Sara. "Sar... it's okay" said Kate and hugged Sara. "No it's not... how could I not know my kid died" said Sara, now an emotional wreck. "There's no way you would have felt it" said Addison squeezing Sara's hand. "Physically maybe not, but... how did I not feel... a sense of loss... of..." said Sara shaking her head.
"Dr Montgomery" said the nurse at the door. "I'll be right back" said Addison. "Katy... I don't understand" said Sara crying in Kate's arms. "It's okay... it's going to be okay" said Kate. Addison walked back in with some blood test results. "Good news is that we just got the blood test results back. Everything looks fine. Hormone levels have dropped a bit since last time but that's natural considering what happened. Everything is looking very positive for your baby guys" said Addison. "Thank you" Kate choked out. "That doesn't change the fact that we just lost a baby" cried Sara. "Sara I know this is difficult. It's difficult to be excited about the one baby and grieve about the other" said Addison. "Fuck" said Sara loudly. "I think it would be good if you guys went and saw a professional about this. I know Violet has dealt with numerous such cases" said Addison. Kate just nodded looking pale while still clutching Sara's hand. "Are you sure the other baby is okay?" asked Sara with a small voice. "Yes, I'm sure... everything's looking perfect with the other baby" said Addison. Sara put her arm over her eyes. Addison continued the rest of her examination in silence. Kate and Sara's soft sobs the only sounds in the room.
"All done... Sara, Kate... I'm really sorry about this. But I want you to remember... and I know this doesn't make it better but... remember that you still have a healthy foetus in there. One that's going to need a lot of TLC. I'll see you guys again in a couple of weeks but please don't hesitate to call if you need anything at all" said Addison and left the room.
Sara sat on the side of the bed with her shoulders slumped. "Vanishing twin... this is freaking me the fuck out Kate" said Sara and started to sob again. "I'm sorry sweetheart... It's okay" said Kate hugging Sara. "No... it's not... it will never be okay" said Sara and pushed Kate away. "Sara..." said Kate looking dejected. "Kate" said Sara. An awkward silence followed. "We shouldn't have done this" said Sara. "Sara don't start with that. There was absolutely no indication that we shouldn't have done it" said Kate and took Sara's hands. "I must have done something wrong. Maybe I ate something... strained myself... maybe I slept wrong" said Sara. "Sara you did nothing wrong. Did you even listen to what Addison was saying... this happens... often. It just happens" said Kate. "What about the other baby though... Kate I'm worried... If we've lost two... Is this one in danger? I can't... this baby has to be okay" said Sara. "This baby will be" said Kate softly. "Can you promise me that" said Sara looking up into Kate's eyes. Kate swallowed hard. "You know I can't... but... I just have a feeling about this one" said Kate. "A feeling?" said Sara. Kate nodded looking down. "I don't know if a feeling is enough to go on" said Sara. "Sara... we have to stay positive... we have to... whether we want to or not... we're going to will this baby to pull through. There's absolutely no reason why this baby won't be perfectly fine" said Kate and pulled Sara into her arms.
"I can't believe this is happening all over again" cried Sara. Kate's beeper buzzed in her side. "You should get that" said Sara emotionless. "Ignore it" said Kate still holding Sara. The beeper went off again. "Dammit" said Kate and looked at the beeper. She closed her eyes looking torn. "What is it?" asked Sara. "It's nothing, somebody else can take care of it" said Kate. A nurse knocked softly and peeped into the room. "Dr Morgan... there's a stat page for you in paediatrics" she said softly. Kate nodded. The nurse closed the door. "Go Kate" said Sara. "No, I'm staying with you" said Kate. "Katy... if that was my kid in there I'd want you to go... They need you. Run" said Sara. The intercom in the hall could be heard through the door as Kate's buzzer went off again. "Code Red PICU... Dr Morgan, PICU stat... Dr Morgan, PICU stat" said the voice. Kate put her hands over her face and stomped her foot. "Fuck... Fuuuuck!" she exclaimed. "Go" said Sara. "I'm sorry... this must be something very urgent. I asked them only to page me in a major emergency" said Kate. Sara nodded. "Will you be okay? Stay here... I'll be back" said Kate. "I'm okay... I'll ask Tegan to come pick me up. Don't really feel like a cab home... go... I love you... GO" said Sara. "I love you too... so much" said Kate. "Dr Morgan they really need you in the PICU" said the nurse opening the door. Kate ran out of the door past the nurse. "Please call her sister to come pick her up... don't let her go alone" she shouted.
Half an hour later Sara and Tegan was sitting on a bench in the immaculate hospital gardens. "I'm so sorry Sara" said Tegan through her tears. "I know what people will say... 'hey at least you still have one healthy baby in there'" said Sara sarcastically. Tegan just put her arm around her sister and squeezed her shoulder. "Tee... I... I'm happy that the one is okay... but that doesn't stop the sadness. And... I... I keep thinking... Vanishing twin... how can something like a twin vanish... How is this going to affect the other baby? I mean... I can't imagine not having you in my life... God knows I almost lost you and that almost killed me... will this baby always have this gaping hole... the feeling that his or her other half is missing? I can't... I just can't imagine... I don't know how... I... how will this work?" Sara babbled. "I don't know Sara... but this baby... it's always going to be there inside of you... or... or... inside of the other baby... Sara... oh dearest Sasa... I'm sorry... I don't know what to say to make it better" said Tegan. "That's okay Tee... thanks for being here. I'm so grateful today for having you around" said Sara and gave a large shuddering sigh.
Kate walked towards them a couple of minutes later. She looked pale and dishevelled. "I'm so sorry Kate" said Tegan and hugged Kate. Kate nodded with pursed lips. "I'm going to get you guys some tea and something to eat" said Tegan. "Hey" smiled Sara. "Hi" said Kate sitting down next to Sara. "Everything okay?" asked Sara. "Yeah, it is now" said Kate looking emotional. "You sure?" asked Sara. Kate nodded and looked away. "Talk to me sweetie" said Sara. Kate shook her head as Sara rubbed her back. "It really is okay... I'm here for you now" said Kate. "Kate please, just talk to me... it's okay... I'm alright" said Sara. "The kid we operated on this morning became unstable... he went into cardiac arrest... We almost lost him... and I lost it... it was as if all that PTSD shit from months ago just came back... It just engulfed me... he's okay now though... I hope" said Kate. "Are you okay though?" asked Sara. "I'm fine" said Kate. "Life is fragile... and unfair... and sometimes it downright sucks" said Sara staring out in front of her. "Yeah... but usually it's amazing... and such an incredible miracle" said Kate. Sara put her head on Kate's shoulder. "Yeah... I have this sense of peace that's just suddenly come over me Katy" said Sara softly a few minutes later. "Me too... everything's going to be just fine" said Kate softly.
"I want to go and plant another tree by the lake" said Sara. "Yeah... I have to work though... I'm going to try and swop shifts so we can go tomorrow" said Kate. "No... I mean... it's okay... Tegan can come with me" said Sara. "Sara... I get that this is a twin thing for you but I also lost a baby. I also need closure" said Kate getting up looking annoyed. "Okay... I'm sorry baby... I'm sorry I didn't mean to..." Sara trailed off. "Sorry I didn't mean to snap at you" said Kate pacing around. "I'm not going to lie to you... it kind of is a twin thing for me... but it's also a me and you thing. It's mostly about me and you babe. I'm sorry... but don't move your shift. We'll wait until you've got a day off" said Sara. Kate nodded. "Thank you" she whispered.
"I'm sorry I had to leave you like that today" said Kate. "That's okay... I'm so incredibly proud of you. You saved a kid's life. Not having you there holding me was a small price to pay. You saved a life! And you were with me, right here" said Sara putting Kate's hand on her chest. Kate's face contracted with emotion. "I'm so sorry Sara... I'm sorry you have to go through this again. I don't know how I can make it better and it kills me" said Kate through her tears. "You just go and save some more lives... I'll be okay I promise" said Sara. "I really tried to get the rest of the day off but they're so short staffed and we have a lot of critical patients... I'm sorry Sara... I promised myself work will never come between us but I have to be here" said Kate. "It's not coming between us... Katy... hey look at me honey... Kate..." said Sara and pulled Kate's chin up. "I've made a decision... I've decided to honour this little soul by letting it go peacefully... with love and light and dignity... by making sure we put all of our positive energy into it's sibling. We're going to have a reminder of this every time we look at our child... and I want that to be a calm and peaceful thing... I don't know how we're going to get there but we will... It's going to be okay" said Sara calmly. Kate nodded. "I like that... you're amazing Sara" said Kate. "I'm going to make an appointment with Violet as soon as possible. I want us to deal with this" said Sara. "Okay... Thanks for doing that, my PA's got my schedule" said Kate. "I love you Kate... through everything life can throw at us" said Sara. "How did I ever live without you Sara... my love, my heart" said Kate with a sad smile.
Sara and Kate sat in silence for a few minutes letting it all sink in. Sara glanced up and smiled when she saw Tegan struggling with a tray of drinks after dropping a paper bag of food. "Such a clutz. Here you go" mumbled Tegan as she handed Sara the paper bag. Sara just sat with the bag of food in her lap. "Eat something Sara. Please" said Kate. Sara shook her head. "Not really hungry but whatever" she said taking a sandwich out of the bag knowing that Kate would force her to eat if she didn't do so herself. "Tegan, would it be okay if Sara went home with you?" asked Kate. "Of course" said Tegan. "Kate... I'm perfectly fine on my own thanks" said Sara sounding annoyed. "Sara... it's up to you but I'm here for you okay" said Tegan. "I just don't know... I don't know what seeing two babies will do to me today" said Sara. "Maybe it will remind you how lucky we are to still have one" said Kate seriously. Sara didn't reply.
Kate stood next to the little boy's bed that she operated on that morning with her fist in front of her mouth. The boy was clearly very sick and attached to many IV lines and monitors. Kate stared at the beeps on the heart monitor. The boy slowly opened his eyes much to his parent's delight. "Hey champ" said Kate a few minutes later. The four year old gave a weak smile. "Check out this jet plane. If you let me have a listen to your heart and lungs it's all yours for being such a brave boy!" said Kate holding up a toy she bought him the previous day knowing he had a rough ride ahead of him. He told her how much he loved planes. The boy smiled. "I don't have a silver one yet, I have a black one" he said out of breath. "Good, Abby's going to put this mask on your face for a few minutes so you can breathe a bit better" said Kate. "It's my jet pilot mask" said the boy. "Wow, really! That's pretty cool" said Kate while listening to the boy's heart. "Okay Aaron, shhhh for just a little while Kate listens to your heart" said Abby. Kate felt emotion build up in her throat as she thought of the possibility of her own child ever being this sick. "Good job Aaron, here's that jet I promised you" said Kate. "Everything's fine" Kate mouthed to the parents and smiled. Abby replaced the oxygen mask with a nasal cannula. "I played with your kids doctor Kate" said Aaron out of nowhere. Kate swallowed hard. "I don't have kids buddy" she said. "You do... The boy, Jessie and the little girl, she didn't tell me her name" said Aaron. Kate suddenly turned white as a sheet and breathed heavily. "They were really nice. I loved that place, it's fun and pretty and my chest didn't hurt" said Aaron. "That's nice buddy, you should get some sleep now okay, you can tell Kate all about it later" said Abby not understanding the full extent of what just happened, believing the kid was just still high from the drugs. Kate stared at Aaron before snapping out of it. "Abby's right, try and sleep now. This medicine is going to make you feel a lot better soon okay" said Kate and tucked the jet in next to the boy. "They love you a lot, and the other mommy" said Aaron before closing his eyes clutching a teddy bear. Abby gave Kate a perplexed look. Kate smiled at Aaron. "And we love them" she whispered.
"Excuse me" said Kate to the parents and walked out of the room towards her office. "Morgan! Get your ass over here" she heard Dr Weber behind her. Kate stopped in her tracks, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Dr Weber" she said turning around. "I heard about the boy... good job" he said. "Thank you sir" said Kate. "Are you enjoying your new speciality?" asked Dr Weber. "I am... not much different from the ICU though... still operating on and treating really sick people... they're just smaller" said Kate. "Yeah... and that makes it more difficult. Physically and emotionally" said Weber. "Tell me about it" said Kate looking emotional. "Kate are you okay?" asked Weber looking concerned. "Uh huh" said Kate. "You can't let it get to you" said Weber. "I know... I just had a really rough day and I got some really bad news... on a personal level" said Kate. "I'm sorry... is there anything I can do?" said Weber. "No, thank you" said Kate. "You look like shit... why don't you take the rest of the day off" said Weber. "I have some things I need to take care of and I want to make sure Aaron is stable and out of the woods first... but thank you, I appreciate your concern" said Kate. "Kate... you need to take care of yourself. I don't want a repeat of what happened a few months ago. If paeds isn't working out for you just let me know. You've got free choice of what you want to do here. You're too damn good a doctor for us to lose you" said Weber. "Not going anywhere sir" said Kate.
Sara and Tegan walked into Tegan's house a few hours later after a long walk on the beach where Sara bared her soul to her twin. Tegan mostly just listened and tried to be there for her sister. The thought of having a twin but... not having one kept racing through her head. She just couldn't get her mind around it. "Sara, I'm so sorry... are you okay?" asked Lindsey. "Yeah... I think so, thanks Linds" said Sara. She walked over to the camping cot set up in the lounge where the babies were contently kicking around looking up at a colourful mobile. "Hey guys... how's my favourite niece and nephew" said Sara. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. "Can I hold one of them" asked Sara sounding emotional. Tegan bent down and picked Casey up and put her gently in Sara's arms. Sara sat down on the couch and held Casey close to her chest. It was as if Casey's energy transferred directly into her and she felt calm wash over her. "Put your feet up" said Tegan and removed Sara's shoes for her. Sara put her legs on the couch and closed her eyes. She felt Casey's steady breathing under her hands. Casey was soon out for the count, sleeping peacefully on Sara's chest. Sara nodded off a few seconds later. Tegan threw a blanket over her daughter and her sister and plumped up some pillows under Sara's arm to keep Casey in place. Lindsey put her arm around Tegan. "You okay?" she asked softly. "Uh huh... just sad" said Tegan. "What happened?" asked Lindsey. "Let me make you some tea... then I'll fill you in" said Tegan.
Kate plonked down on the couch in her office and rubbed her temples. Aaron's words kept repeating in her mind. She didn't know if she should feel freaked out, sad or happy. There was no doubt that Aaron was technically dead for quite a few minutes. How could he know about her unborn kids. How did he know the name Jessie? "Kate are you okay?" asked Abby entering the room before handing Kate a cup of coffee. "I don't know" said Kate staring out in front of her. "What happened in there?" asked Abby. "Nothing" mumbled Kate. "Whatever it was, it clearly upset you" said Abby. Kate just shook her head. "Kate you can talk to me" said Abby. Kate and Abby had become very close working together for all these years. Abby was Kate's right hand, even moving to paediatrics with her. She was also a very close friend. "Sara lost one of the twins today" said Kate looking down. "Oh my God... I'm so sorry Kate" said Abby with her hand on Kate's back. "I think... maybe he really did see our babies... we called the one Jessie... I don't understand" said Kate becoming emotional again. "And if he did? That's a good thing isn't it? He said they're happy... that he went to a nice place" said Abby. "Yeah... It's just all... it's so unreal" said Kate.
"That's so sad... this must be extra hard on Sara, having a twin herself" said Lindsey. "Yeah... It's just... so unfair. I'm really struggling to get my head around this" said Tegan in Lindsey's arms. "I know" said Lindsey softly. "Hey Linds... you know what tomorrow is" said Tegan. Lindsey stayed quiet. "One year since the day I got sick... well not since I got sick... since that dreadful show and the day I got admitted to hospital" said Tegan. "I know... not an anniversary we'd like to remember. It's been on my mind the whole day though" said Lindsey. "I think we should celebrate it... celebrate that somehow I... we... came through it" said Tegan. "Maybe you're right" said Lindsey deep in thought. "Just like Sara and Kate will get through this" said Tegan. "You lived though Tegan..." said Lindsey staring at a sleeping Sara. "Hmmm" said Tegan. They sat like that for a few minutes in silence. "We're so blessed to have these two gorgeous babies" said Tegan. "I remind myself of that every single day" said Lindsey.
A/N: Review please!