A/N Well, finally another chapter made it out of the editing process alive! I hope you all enjoyed the end of chapter 12. I'd love to hear your thoughts, so please review! Hidan's hard day isn't over yet... :)
An hour later they still hadn't bothered to get out of bed, although they had moved up to the head end and got under the covers. Hidan was leaning against Kakuzu's chest, flicking casually through Grindr on his phone. Kakuzu was reading the New Statesman at a slightly awkward angle.
"By the way, Hidan," Kakuzu said, glancing down and raising an eyebrow at Hidan's choice of activity, "Konan's organised an Akatsuki weekend away, and it's this weekend. We'll need to go."
"Would you fuck him?" Hidan asked, turning his phone towards Kakuzu and showing him the guy on his screen. Kakuzu adjusted the angle so the evening sunlight wasn't glancing off it. "No," he said definitively. "So...?"
"Ugh," Hidan moaned, twisting around to look up at him. "It'll be a pretentious fuck-fest, I don't wanna go."
"It's an exceptionally good networking opportunity - there's not really a choice, Hidan." Kakuzu didn't even bother to entertain the possibility that he could go alone. Although obviously until a week ago that was exactly what he'd assumed he'd be doing. Neither did Hidan. He tossed his phone aside and rolled over on top of Kakuzu, elbows digging into his chest.
"But, Kakuzuuuu?" he wheedled, employing the puppy eyes that had seemed to work so well for him earlier, "we could just spend the weekend fucking and staying in bed all day and instead we'll have to make conversation with Itachi Uchiha and fucking Sasori, and I might actually kill someone this time...!"
"Well, that's just a risk we'll have to take I'm afraid," Kakuzu replied impassively. He pulled Hidan back down again. "No more fuss - we're going," he said firmly. "Deidara will be there," he added a little more placatingly. "You like Deidara."
"Well, he can be an annoying little prick and I see him all week anyway," Hidan said sulkily, but Kakuzu felt that his resistance was starting to ebb.
"My neighbour Kisame will be coming too - he's a nice guy," he continued, pressing his advantage.
Hidan sniggered a little and picked up his phone. "This guy, you mean?" he asked Kakuzu, firing up Grindr again. And it was indeed Kisame on the screen. Hidan studied his profile. "Isn't he that journalist who's always hanging round Itachi Uchiha? He obviously wants some dick, right now, maybe the whole Itachi thing isn't working out..."
Kakuzu took the phone, with some interest. "I've spotted a big hole in your logic - at least, I hope I have!" he said. "Because I think you've had quite enough dick for a little while at least." He ignored Hidan's protests that, hey, he was just looking. "And how do you know he's got anything going on with Itachi?" he continued impassively. "I think they're just friends."
"Sasori told Dei," Hidan replied. "He normally knows fucking everything but hopefully he's wrong..." Hidan found Itachi completely impossible to deal with. He always ended up feeling like a complete idiot in his company, and it was obvious Itachi didn't think too much of him either.
'50 feet away' Kisame's Grindr profile read. '33 years old, Looking for: fun with cute guys 18-25'. Kakuzu did a slight double-take. 18? Really Kisame?! All of a sudden a blue speech bubble popped up. 'Looking for now?' it asked.
"Huh?" said Kakuzu. "What does he mean, looking for now?"
"Did he really?!" Hidan took his phone back to look for himself. "Ohh, Kakuzu, you're about to get educated, man," Hidan giggled. "Haven't you ever been on here before?"
"It's not really my scene," Kakuzu began, before seeing Kisame's little speech bubbles pop up again with 'you're really hot' and then simply 'BJ?'
"Hey!" he growled, quite shocked, showing it to Hidan. "Is this normal behaviour? Does that mean what I think it means?"
"Oh yeah, man. Well, I get it all the time, anyway," Hidan replied, taking the phone back. Giggling slightly psychotically, he typed 'naked with a friend of yours right now sorry dude'. He sent it before Kakuzu could even think about trying to stop him. The corner of Kakuzu's mouth started to twitch in helpless amusement and after about 10 seconds his phone buzzed with a text from Kisame. 'oh shit sorry man' it said.
Hidan, cackling mercilessly, added 'see you at the weekend xx', then started typing 'Kakuzu's getting a BJ right -
But Kakuzu managed wrench his phone away from him before he finished. "Enough from you now, you little cock-tease," he said, pinning him to the bed, "poor Kisame! I'm shutting this wretched thing down before you blue-ball the whole town!"
"If you can figure out how," Hidan murmured insolently, shifting provocatively underneath him.
Kakuzu managed to get out of Kisame's profile without too much trouble, but it did take him a few moments to find how to log out. During those moments he registered with surprise and again, that little surge of interest, that Hatake Kakashi was on there, and judging from the distance he was probably on the Heath. Probably walking his dogs, like he'd said, rather than just cruising, but still. He almost mentioned it to Hidan just to make him laugh, but then decided, perhaps not this time. He shut down the app - not that hard really - and tossed Hidan's phone safely out of reach.
Leaving Hidan ruffled and out of breath, Kakuzu swung his legs over the edge of the bed and got up. Hidan made a grab for his hand, but Kakuzu managed to evade him easily enough. "I really do have to walk the dogs now," he explained, walking over to the chest of drawers to get a fresh set of clothes. "You can come if you want, but I think you might do better to have a restful evening."
Hidan sat up. He kind of wanted to go along, because he didn't really like being alone much, and it was mentally restful being with Kakuzu. You could count on him to do the thinking, if thinking had to be done. But. He was covered in dried sweat and come and really needed a shower, and although rest was a bit of a foreign concept to him, he had to accept that he still feeling a bit knackered.
He moaned about it to Kakuzu, who just shook his head, and rolled his eyes in mock exasperation. "Idiot," he said tolerantly. "You lose a shit-load of blood, you get sucker-punched in a couple of vital organs, you spend the next few days getting your little ass fucked more than can possibly be good for you, and you can't think why you're feeling a little less bouncy than normal? Do you actually have the capacity for rational thought?" He ruffled Hidan's already tousled hair and pushed him back against the pillows. "Honestly!" he exclaimed.
"Hey Kakuzu!" Hidan called after him as he left the room.
"Yes, Hidan?"
"It is good for me!"
He heard Kakuzu laughing quietly as he went down the stairs and he rolled into the warm space he'd left. But even before he heard the front door close he was on the edge of boredom.
Before heading on up to the Heath, Kakuzu took a minute to go and knock on Kisame's door. He didn't want Hidan's antics to get in the way of a nice easy friendship. He rang the doorbell and leant on the doorframe while he waited, trying to school his features into a not-angry look.
Kisame opened the door, and he needn't have worried, their eyes met and he could tell they'd reached pretty similar conclusions. He spread his hands in a gallic kind of shrug, Kisame chuckled, looking down and shaking his head.
"What can I say?" Kakuzu began, "He's a handful..."
"I am honestly so sorry, man," Kisame started saying at the same time, still chuckling though. "I should've thought!"
"Don't mention it, really," Kakuzu insisted. "If I'm going to let him dick around on Grindr while he's in my bed I suppose that's what I have to expect! Anyway, I'm off to the Heath but I just wanted to make sure we were OK."
"Of course we're ok, man," Kisame replied. "Well, I mean, I'm actually pretty fucking relieved that you're OK. Congratulations, anyway! He is smoking hot."
"Alright, enough, that might be about my limit!" Kakuzu protested, still smiling though. He headed back up the basement steps with a brief wave. Kisame's phone started to ring, and he turned back inside.
Kakuzu had only been gone about 5 minutes by the time Hidan finally got too restless to stay in bed. He went down to the bathroom and had a shower, but Kakuzu seemed to have an odd idea about when and how much hot water might be needed of an evening, so it didn't kill a lot of time. Then he wandered down to the kitchen and pulled on a fresh pair of boxers and jeans from his rucksack.
He ate an apple from Kakuzu's fruit bowl, and fastidiously picked up the used condom in a piece of kitchen towel and wiped the floor where it had been. Then he trailed back up to the living room, thinking vaguely of familiarising himself with Kakuzu's musical tastes. After a quick glance through he didn't feel like he could face any of it, though. Fucking Sting and his lute, particularly. He mooched over to the window to see if he could see onto the Heath. Maybe he'd be able to see Kakuzu in the distance. But instead he noticed that Kakuzu hadn't even bothered to lock his bike! Of course, Kakuzu had handed over his keys, but Hidan hadn't reciprocated. Well! This might be Hampstead but that didn't mean some little chav might not be passing by, ready to jack it and take part of Hidan's soul with him! He felt a surge of irritation - Kakuzu should have thought to bring it into the hall!
He ran back down to the kitchen, grabbed his keys from the pocket of his discarded jeans and shot through the hall and down the steps. He did notice the loud slam behind him, but didn't really register it as a problem because his keys were in his hand. He D-locked his precious shiny steed safely to the railings, and then, 'oh shit,' he thought. 'My keys. Not Kakuzu's keys.'
He looked up dumbly for a moment at the massive, imposing red brick front of the house. Barefoot and shirtless, this was a little bit more of a problem than it could've been. He felt in his pocket for his phone, and yes, thank fuck for that, he'd brought it down. It was his work phone though, and a recent enough freebie from a fashion shoot that Kakuzu's number was only on the old one. And he was fucked if he could remember a fucking mobile number. And even if he could, he thought, maybe he wouldn't call. 'You little idiot,' he could hear Kakuzu's exasperated tone in his head - loaded, even in his imagination, with an unflattering total lack of surprise. 'How on Earth did you manage to do that?' And, to be honest, even if he started back now he'd probably be a while.
He shivered - it was getting a little chillier now. Even though the sun was still out, afternoon had become evening while they'd been lying around... Then he had a bright idea. He could pay this Kisame guy a call! Surely someone who would offer him a blowjob just like that could stand him a cup of tea and a place to keep warm for half an hour! Getting up Grindr again he was relieved to see Kisame was still online, and only 30ft away now he was down in the street. He took a few experimental paces up the road away from the Heath. No, that wasn't right. The other way then. That was more like it. 25ft... 20... 15... He hesitated a moment - basement flat or front door? Well, single guy, journalist, not a fucking banker like Kakuzu... What was more likely? He went with the basement. Grindr seemed to agree and he trotted down the steps with a fair amount of confidence. He trod on something sharp and hesitated for a moment, rubbing his foot. But the door was actually open - all he had to do was pop his head around.
"Hey, man? You Kisame?" he asked. The room seemed dark after the bright sunlight outside - he could just make out a figure - very tall - at the stove, his back to the door.
Kisame turned around. "Oh!" he said sharply, clearly surprised, "I wasn't expecting -"
Hidan gave a rueful, appeasing kind of smile. He hadn't really thought about how to approach this conversation - someone who cared about social niceties would have found it profoundly awkward.
That wasn't Hidan though. "It's OK man, I haven't come for the blowjob," he said. "Um... I've..." He paused. How to make this sound less dumb than it actually was? "I've just managed to lock myself out of Kakuzu's house and he's walking the dogs, and..." He came around the door. "Can I come in?"
Kisame came across the kitchen towards him and Hidan tried to read his expression, but Kisame wasn't an easy guy to read. He was powerfully built. Rugged and pale-eyed and kind of fierce-looking. Hidan suddenly felt at quite a bit of a disadvantage.
Kisame was glad to have a distraction though. He'd just got off the phone with Itachi and it had been a pretty emotional call. But there was really nothing more he could do right now - Itachi said he wanted to be alone for a while - so dwelling on it wasn't helping anyone. And taking in Hidan's state of undress and damp hair he was quick to usher him inside. "Hey, sorry if I seemed a bit abrupt just then," he said, and his voice was friendly enough. "I thought you were someone else. Good to meet you in person."
"Thanks, man," said Hidan. Kisame's kitchen was nice. It was fairly low-ceilinged, with a big square pillar in the middle, but warm and golden with evening sunlight because there was a big bay window and it wasn't a very low basement - the level of the pavement was only about halfway up the window and the basement area was reasonably wide. There was a large pine table in front of the window and surfboards stacked in the corner behind the door. Hidan could see a couple more and other outdoorsy-looking kit down a hallway through another door.
Kisame pulled out a chair at the end of the table and Hidan sat down. "You're in a bit of a fix, aren't you?" he said, looking down at his bare feet as Hidan started to rub the sole of the foot again. "Do you want some tea?" he offered. "Or a beer? Kakuzu will probably be another half hour at least, if he takes his normal route. He stopped by," he explained, seeing Hidan's confusion.
"Ohh," Hidan "OK. Cool." He accepted a beer and Kisame cracked it open for him and slid it across the table. Kakuzu smoothing things over, as usual, thought Hidan. He wondered briefly if he would've mentioned it to him himself. Still, he felt a lot better just for having some company. Kisame felt good about himself because he was now defying the 'douchebags of Grindr' stereotype that he'd very nearly fallen into, and they were soon chatting away easily.
Kakuzu was enjoying a little bit of alone time. It was a beautiful evening, and the thought of Hidan waiting for him at home was a very gratifying one. The dogs hadn't had a proper walk with him for a few days now, so he didn't want to hurry. He took a slightly longer circuit than usual, one that would bring him off the Heath near the pharmacy on Hampstead High Street, so that he could pick up some more lube. He texted Hidan to ask him what he wanted for supper, but there was no reply. He wondered if he'd had fallen asleep - it didn't seem unlikely given the day he'd had.
A little pug in a blue coat scampered up and skittered around the legs of his dogs, who sniffed at it with interest. Kakuzu looked around to see who it might belong to and... was that Hatake Kakashi in the distance? He seemed to have quite a few more dogs with him as well. Kakuzu didn't want to seem too pushy, though, so he just raised a hand in greeting. Maybe next time it would be more natural to go over and chat. But right now, he should probably start thinking about getting back to Hidan.
Back at Kisame's, both guys were on their second beer, and although Kisame was absolutely not intending to make any kind of move, and he did believe Hidan when he said that wasn't what he'd come for, he had to admit that he was even more attractive in the flesh than in his Grindr profile pic (not the normal way round, by any means!). And he was absolutely bang-on Kisame's type. How'd Kakuzu swing it, the lucky bastard?
He had to admire the easy poise of him too, swigging beer at the kitchen table of a guy he'd never met before, shirtless and shoeless, but still totally at ease. Right now, he was leaning back in his chair, one leg draped over the arm, one nicely-shaped bare foot swinging back and forth and Kisame could just imagine catching hold of it at the top of the arc it was making, running his thumb along the instep, leaning forward and- it was with a little jolt that he realised that he probably needed to stop feeling so smug about keeping his mind and hands off Hidan now, because his mind was very much not playing ball.
Still. Hidan was fun company and having him around was stopping him from dwelling too much on all Itachi's problems. It was worth a bit of sexual frustration. He made an effort to get his mind back on track. What had he been saying? He was trying to keep his eyes of Hidan's bare chest, and it was seriously distracting.
He got up and went over to the stove to turn down the sauce he was cooking. It just needed to reduce a tiny bit more. He took a packet of fresh pasta out of the fridge and started to read the instructions. "You don't mind, do you?" he asked Hidan, over his shoulder. "Did you and Kakuzu eat already?"
Hidan's stomach gave an enormous rumble. "Uh... no..." he admitted. "We kind of forgot... or I did anyway... I guess Kakuzu thought we'd eat when he got back."
"Hey, that won't do," Kisame said, getting down another plate. "He's later than usual and you're clearly starving! There's more than enough of this, I'll just stick it all in." He put the kettle on for more hot water.
"Can you text Kakuzu?" Hidan asked. "I don't have his number on this phone."
"Sure," said Kisame, getting out his phone. "You have more than one..?" he asked, as he flicked through to find Kakuzu's number.
"Ah, man, all models do," Hidan said, looking almost embarrassed. "Fashion people just give you shit all the time, it's in fucking goody bags and shit like that, and you sort of might as well use it. I'd almost forgotten that it's not normal by now, to be honest, man. This is technically my work phone..." He watched Kisame send his text to Kakuzu, the idea that Hidan's work phone was also his Grindr phone hanging unspoken in the air.
Kisame turned back to the stove, and Hidan began to wonder if he'd said something off to make him suddenly get up and change the subject like that. He got up and wandered over to join him, his bare feet silent on the tiled floor, thinking vaguely that maybe he should offer a hand - perhaps Kisame was feeling like his evening had been hijacked.
Kisame turned around and Hidan was just there. There was a charged silence and suddenly all the frustrations of the day seemed to build up to a head. He took a step forward almost as is he was going to make that move, and Hidan faltered back a step, suddenly unsure.
But Kisame got himself in hand just in time. "What are you up to?" he asked, "creeping up on me like that!" There was playfulness in his tone, but a kind of brittle edge too. "Hey," he added, looking desperately for another distraction and seeing the now-fading bruises just under Hidan's ribcage for the first time. He reached out to trace a finger along the edge of one, "what happened there? Please tell me Kakuzu didn't-"
"Oh fuck, man, no!" Hidan exclaimed indignantly, slightly disturbed at his personal space being broken into like that. "Seriously! Don't you know him? I thought you guys were friends! It was up in Edinburgh last weekend. Some fucking washed-up artist who was all butthurt about Kakuzu selling his work decided to start on me. You should see the state of him now, though!" he added with a self-satisfied sneer.
"Oh," said Kisame, not quite liking to say that it was knowing a little bit about Kakuzu that made him think it was a possibility - if only a very slight one. But Hidan's story was ringing a bell. An artist, a fight, Edinburgh... Of course! Today's big news, and not just in the art crowd, either. "So that was you," he said.
He looked at Hidan with new interest. Respect that he could come out of a knife fight without a scratch on him mingled with a wary realisation that he was capable of some pretty serious violence and didn't seem to give a fuck. "You're going to find yourself in the middle of some serious controversy once it comes out it was you," he said. "I hope you're prepared."
"I dunno, man, I hadn't fucking thought about it," Hidan replied. He suddenly felt tired. Tired of intrigue and manoeuvring and much too tired to try and be nice anymore. "I guess Kakuzu has, though," he added.
"What, Kakuzu was with you?"
"Shit yeah, I wouldn't be looking quite so cute right now if he hadn't!"
You two need to get your side of the story out!" Kisame exclaimed. He brushed off Hidan's weary protestations that they'd already talked to the police and started talking about a feature in Akatsuki Magazine. Hidan kind of switched off. It wasn't the kind of thing he felt he was good at. Last time he'd given an interview they'd edited out the swear words for publication and it hadn't really made a lot of sense after that. "Talk to Kakuzu about it!" Kisame was urging him. "I'd be happy to run it."
"Well, fuck, tell him yourself when he gets here," Hidan said, shortly. "He's already clearing out his collection of all the douchebag's crap, he's got some kind of plan, for sure."
Kisame's stress levels started rising again. The nice easy mood from earlier seemed to have vanished and Hidan suddenly seemed prickly and irritable. He was pretty relieved when his phone buzzed, and Hidan noticeably brightened. He leaned in towards Kisame to crane around and look at his phone as he got it out of his pocket. Then his face changed. The message wasn't from Kakuzu. It was from Itachi, and the few words he was able to glimpse before the screen faded and Kisame whipped the phone away definitely suggested intimacy a long way beyond 'just friends'.
"Oh fuck, then you actually are screwing Itachi Uchiha, aren't you? Kakuzu thought you weren't," Hidan said without thinking, pulling away from Kisame in surprise. "Fucking hell. And you tried to hook up with me?!"
He only meant it in the sense that he didn't much like Itachi, and didn't like the implication of people who were into Itachi being attracted to him. But when he saw the rage in Kisame's face, it dawned on him pretty quickly that he'd been misinterpreted. The reason why Itachi always looked so unwell also suddenly clicked into place, and he realised - with his admittedly crass form of words and his flinch away - he'd been taken for some poz-shaming prick who'd deserve what he was about to get.
Before he could say anything else or even try to explain, he felt the breath slammed out of him as his back connected with the pillar. Kisame's hand was at his throat, forcing his head back to make him look up at him, he felt like he couldn't breathe properly and started to panic. He tried with both his hands to prise Kisame's away, but Kisame was strong and Hidan was too shaken to focus. Kisame was talking, shouting really, asking him something and demanding an answer but Hidan couldn't take in the words. Now he was shaking him against the pillar and Hidan's head cracked against it sickeningly. Say something, he thought frantically, say something or he'll fucking do that again, and, "Fuck," he managed to force out, thought he could barely speak with Kisame doing that, "stop it, man, please. I didn't mean- I didn't even know-"
Kakuzu was just at his front door. He'd got Kisame's text - 'Hidan locked himself out, supper in 5 minutes, come and join us' - just as he was coming down off the Heath, so hadn't bothered to reply. He'd glanced in through the window as he passed and glimpsed Hidan just getting up from Kisame's table. He'd figured he'd just take the dogs home and grab Hidan a top before joining them. Now, though, hearing raised voices coming from up the road, even though he didn't particularly recognise Kisame's voice he suddenly had a bad feeling which hit him like an electric jolt in the solar plexus. He turned the key in the lock and the dogs obediently ran in. He hesitated a moment - surely nothing could've happened in so short a time - then instinct took over from logical thought and he suddenly found himself pulling the door shut and racing back down the street. He took the basement steps two at a time and burst through the open door.
Hidan's ears were ringing and he felt dizzy. He was only dimly aware of another deep voice in the room, then a brief struggle in front of him, of Kisame's hand finally releasing him, of being caught and held as he gasped for air.
The kitchen swam back into focus and he found he was on all fours on the floor now, Kakuzu was kneeling in front of him, supporting him; behind him Kisame was slumped against the cupboards opposite like he'd been hurled halfway across the room. He grabbed hold of Kakuzu, breathing hard, fingers digging into his forearm. "Fuck, Kisame," he tried to call across the room, but it came out in a broken-sounding croak, "how could you think I meant that?!" Kakuzu looked utterly horrified at the sound. There was a hard, focused kind of anger in his eyes that Hidan had never seen before (and was very relieved wasn't directed at him). "Hey, take it easy," he said quietly. His fingers were gently explored around Hidan's bruised throat, checking for any obvious damage - not seeming to find any - and Hidan started to feel a little calmer. Also, like a fucking idiot. And so fucking sick of needing to be rescued.
"I'm so sorry," Kisame was saying, his voice ragged with emotion, and even from across the room Hidan could see that the poor guy looked completely devastated. "It's just been such a fucking awful day, I'm so worried about Itachi, I just saw red, I completely lost control. I'm sorry."
Hidan exchanged a glance with Kakuzu, whose expression was unreadable now. He tried to clear his throat - it was pretty sore. It came out a little cracked but OK now, not quite so broken anymore. He swallowed. "It was probably my fucking fault, actually," he said, low, so that only Kakuzu would hear. "I said some shit without thinking."
"That I can easily believe - I wouldn't try to crush your damn windpipe though!" Kakuzu said angrily, and Kisame, who had heard actually, agreed vociferously, full of shame and self loathing, then broke down entirely. Kakuzu and Hidan exchanged another glance, and maybe Kakuzu did look slightly less incandescent with rage now. Without saying anything he helped Hidan to his feet and they both went over to Kisame. They sat down on either side of him. Kakuzu put an extremely tentative hand on his shoulder. Hidan, with no such social scruples, slumped right down to his level and rasped, "It's alright man, I fucking forgive you, ok? There there. Now seriously, tell us what the fuck else is wrong with Itachi."
Kisame took a moment to get himself under control. "He's had some bad news," he said finally. "He's developed resistance to another antiretroviral, I don't know the fuck how, he's always taken them so fucking religiously." He wiped a hand over his face and blew his nose on the clean handkerchief Kakuzu proffered. "He's just been so fucking unlucky. The new ones he's on are giving him horrible side effects. And on top of that, there's this thing with his fucking little brother. They're completely estranged now, and Sasuke refuses to see Itachi despite that fact that he knows he's so ill."
"Little dicksplash," Hidan interjected helpfully. Kakuzu stifled an inappropriate laugh, turning it into a cough. He hadn't heard that term since his last stint on A&E.
"Damn right," Kisame agreed. "But Itachi really wanted to have one more try and he asked me to talk to Sasuke, to - to -" He broke off, searching for the right word and not finding it. He carried on anyway. "To really put across things to him so that he really gets that this actually could be their last chance to have any meaningful time together." He had to stop and take a minute, pressing his hands hard against his eyes.
After a few deep breaths he seemed to be calm enough to continue. "And Sasuke for some reason did agree to see me," he said, his voice flat and loaded with distaste. "He's coming over later tonight. So now, even though I wish Itachi would just spend the rest of his time focusing on the people who love him, and I think he should forget all about the fucking heartless little piece of trash, I've got to try and swing this for him. He's utterly desperate - I can't tell you how awful it is to see. And if Sasuke does agree to meet him, what then? Sasuke will probably- And Itachi- he'll-" He broke off, suddenly unable to bear to put it into words, the pain Itachi would be in if Sasuke rejected him again.
"Yeah, I feel you man," Hidan took over for him. "It's fucked-up, seriously."
His words seemed to hang in the air for a moment - there wasn't really anything else to say about it. An admirably succinct summing up of the situation for once, Kakuzu thought. He got up and went to rescue Kisame's sauce from the stove, it had just started to catch on the bottom of the pan. He gave it a good stir, then found the pasta on the work surface and put the kettle on to boil, profoundly grateful to have something to do to avoid having to deal with any more emotional scenes. Food would probably sort Kisame out quicker than anything and he should obviously have fed Hidan hours ago. Worth remembering.
Kisame took another deep breath and sat up a bit. He gave a weary smile. "Thanks guys," he said. "I feel a bit better for letting all that out. And I'm so fucking sorry to have been such a dick, Hidan."
Kakuzu nodded slightly in acknowledgement. He found a bottle of red wine that Kisame had presumably been cooking with and poured himself a glass. Why am I always the last one standing? he asked himself. He tried to imagine a scenario in which he was being ministered to while lounging half-naked on someone else's kitchen floor, and just couldn't.
"S'all good, man," said Hidan. "I was being a bit of a dick too, if I'm honest." He was too tired to be angry, and even he could sense that Kisame was barely holding it together over this Itachi shit. He let his head slide down onto Kisame's shoulder. "Did you actually tell me if you two are, you know, a thing?" he asked, assuming that he had carte blanche now (and even if he didn't, well, Kakuzu was here...), "I couldn't really hear what you were saying when you had me up against the wall... Blood was pounding in my ears or some shit."
Over at the stove Kakuzu covered up an involuntary angry noise with a loud pan clatter. Kisame just gave a miserable sounding laugh. "You are fucking incorrigible, aren't you? Well, not really, is the answer. Since he got ill he hasn't been with anyone. I'd've been with him like a shot, I was happy to take the risk, and its not much of a risk with Truvada anyway, but he wouldn't. And before that, well, it was on off anyway. And more off than on. So by now, yeah, Kakuzu's right. I should start fucking accepting it myself."
"Ah, Kakuzu's always right, we should all just fucking accept that already," Hidan was saying as Kakuzu found Kisame's colander and drained the pasta. He served up and carried the plates to the table. Then looked down at the others. "I think we'd all better eat something," he said. He tried not to sound too abrupt and angry.
Kisame looked up, obviously still uncertain of how he stood with him. "Kakuzu, man," he said, "I know I shouldn't even ask you, and you've already both been way better to me than I deserve, but I really hope you'll be able to forgive me for this."
Hidan giggled irrepressibly. "Dude, he's cooked your fucking supper for you, you're not going to get much more reassurance than that out of Kakuzu!" He took the hand Kakuzu offered him to haul himself up and stood on tiptoe to fling an arm around Kakuzu's neck. Kakuzu's arm automatically went around his waist to steady him. "Well, Hidan, am I allowed to forgive him?" he asked. "it seems almost churlish to do it too easily. Unchivalrous..."
"Aw, yeah, man, go for it, seriously, I'm not some fragile flower! And he needs a fucking hug," Hidan replied. "And then stop being so fucking needy, OK?" he added to Kisame.
"Well. Alright." Kakuzu offered Kisame a hand up too, which he took and they sort of almost shook hands. Kakuzu looked him in the eye. "To be perfectly honest, I'd have been happier if you'd given him that blowjob," he said. "I'm not down with seeing Hidan get hurt." His eyes slid over to Hidan for a moment, "however tough he thinks he is," he added pointedly. "But I'm just about prepared to accept that it was out of character and that nothing like it will ever, ever happen again." He fixed Kisame with his most penetrating look, and even though Kisame had a couple of inches on him, he did feel intimidated. Perhaps not surprisingly, since his ribcage still aching from where Kakuzu's arm had connected with it earlier. He was also surprised, and impressed (and, he had to admit it, pretty damn jealous) at how they were together. They'd been together, what, a week and a half? And already they seemed to have this seamless partnership. He couldn't previously have imagined Kakuzu ever being physically affectionate with anyone in public, either - or at all, for that matter - and yet here he was, letting Hidan drape himself all over him, not batting an eyelid.
"You've got it, Kakuzu," he said, and they had an awkward one-armed manly hug, which Hidan managed to turn into a group hug. Kakuzu swiftly put a stop to that, though, and they all finally sat down to eat.
"Just to be clear," Kakuzu said to Hidan, after a few moments of silence, his voice completely deadpan, though he couldn't help a tiny smile twitching one corner of his mouth, "when I said that I'd have preferred him to give you a blowjob, I didn't mean that that was in any way acceptable, you understand? Both are completely beyond the pale."
Kisame nearly spat out his mouthful of pasta; Hidan just rolled his eyes. "He thinks I'm a fucking retard, man, seriously," he said to Kisame, turning around in his chair and putting his bare feet up on Kakuzu's thigh. "It's probably criminally irresponsible of him to be taking advantage of me like this!"
After that the mood was a lot less tense. Kakuzu sipped his wine and watched Hidan telling Kisame about Akatsuki Edinburgh and what he was up to with Deidara. Kisame was talking about making it a feature in the August edition of Akatsuki Magazine. Kakuzu didn't feel inclined to join in the conversation much, but he was happy to sit there and listen. He finished his pasta and started admiring Hidan's reflection in the darkened window. He looked even more bad-boy than in real life. Lack of product had brought his hair down over his forehead and perhaps some quirk of the old glass was making him appear slighter and younger than he was. Suddenly the reflection gave a sharp-toothed grin and disappeared. Two more darker shapes followed. Kakuzu started. "Kisame, there's a bunch of kids outside your window!" he said.
Kisame looked out and groaned. "Oh, fuck that kid, did he have to bring the whole posse!" He went over to the door and opened it. Sasuke Uchiha stood on the doorstep looking sulky and aggressive. Kakuzu did recognise him - he'd had a couple of pretty high profile shows of his own, despite being still at college. A red-haired girl and the boy Kakuzu had mistaken for Hidan's reflection hovered just behind him, one on each side.
"Sasuke," Kisame greeted him shortly. "Well, you'd all better come in." Stressing the all a little, making it clear that this hadn't been the deal. But it was impossible to miss how his eyes followed Sasuke's friend, all the same. Hidan looked at Kakuzu, and Kakuzu looked at Hidan, and wondered how he could ever have been so mistaken. Yes, the kid was kind of a Hidan mini-me, but mini being the operative word. He looked so young that it had the effect of striking Kakuzu afresh with a sense of Hidan's own capability. Definitely not a fragile flower. And suddenly he badly wanted to be alone with him.
"Well, thanks for supper Kisame," he said. "We'd better let you get on." He stood up and Hidan followed his lead. He caught Kisame's eye with an unspoken question - are you ok with this - do want us to stick around? But to his considerable relief Kisame murmured "It's cool," standing back to let them pass. The kids followed his lead. Kakuzu noticed Hidan flash a menacing smile at his little dopplegänger. "Nice look kid," he said slightly patronisingly.
And before he knew it they were in the dark street and the kids had trooped inside Kisame's kitchen, the door closing firmly behind them. They both breathed a sigh of relief. "I'd've brought your shoes over if I'd realised..." Kakuzu began, noticing that Hidan was walking slightly gingerly over the paving stones and, "no sweat man," Hidan replied. Kakuzu felt deeply appreciative of his baritone voice. 18-25 indeed! Fond as he was of Kisame, Kakuzu had to wonder. "Kids like that," Hidan was saying, "are the reason I hate fucking fashion. That's who Comme des Garçons are going to want on the catwalk next season, not me!"
"You know that kid?" Kakuzu asked.
"Oh fuck yes," Hidan replied, standing aside while Kakuzu opened the front door. "That's Suigetsu Hozuki." He said it with a certain significance. "He was one of Orochimaru's students at that art school in Kennington. Left before his finals though, and started modelling. Totally ripped off my look, if I do say so myself. He's a fucking little skank." He paused, then smiled. "Hey, maybe Kisame will get his blowjob after all!"