Right! One more bonus happy fluffy chapter before the shit hits the fan! Enjoy! Write me a review if you enjoy it - I love love love hearing from you! :D
Sunday started out drizzly and dull, and a slow morning of coffee and croissants seemed to be on the cards for most of the party. Hidan, however, had made a remarkable recovery and - possibly thanks to Kakuzu almost entirely preventing him from drinking on Saturday evening - appeared bright and early, clad in the sexiest running kit Kakuzu had ever seen. He nearly choked on his coffee. They hadn't had a chance to run together yet; in London Kakuzu was normally up at least an hour earlier than Hidan, and with the dogs to see to, tended to take an early morning one on the Heath.
"So, who's coming for a run, then!?" Hidan bounced eagerly on the balls of his feet.
"Man, can't you take a break for a single day?" groaned Deidara.
"Fuck no!" Hidan gestured at his exquisite physique. "You think this shit maintains itself?"
The question was clearly rhetorical and Deidara just rolled his eyes. "And it's not like I'm going to get to the gym out here in the fucking sticks, is it?" Hidan continued, undeterred. "Well then! This is a run in the morning, gym in the afternoon, cycle everywhere else body that you see before you! It takes work, man!"
It's his art, hn," Dei observed drily to Sasori, who snorted derisively.
"Spare me the Beuysian 'everyone's an artist' spiel, I beg of you!" He muttered darkly, but Hidan had moved onto more fertile pastures and managed to persuade Kisame to join him.
Kakuzu wasn't about to let Hidan out of his sight dressed like that - and particularly not with Kisame - plus Sasori, Deidara and even Zetsu were beginning to bicker about the relevance of Beuys in the 21st century, which he found exceedingly tiresome. "I'll come with you too," he said, folding up his paper. "Just let me finish my coffee."
It was during the run that Hidan remembered about Suigetsu's message, and when they got back, instead of giving Suigetsu Kisame's number, he'd given Kisame Suigetsu's. "Cause otherwise I get this feeling he'll dick you around and not call for a couple of days just to mess with you, man..." he justified himself. Kisame had been texting on and off ever since.
Whether or not Hidan's assessment of Suigetsu's character was accurate, he'd certainly seemed responsive enough to Kisame's opening salvos. Kisame kept popping out to the patio for privacy while he composed his replies.
Around mid-morning he came into the living room looking at once slightly sheepish and slightly triumphant and said, "Everyone, how do we feel about some extra company?"
The room was suddenly charged with expectant silence. "Sasuke's little gang are on a train west right now," Kisame said, and he only looked at Itachi as he spoke. "They're willing to make a diversion and Karin will do the interview with Kakuzu today. If that's okay with you of course," he said, finally addressing himself to Kakuzu.
It was Yahiko who replied, though. "Yes." His tone was final. "We need to get this done. Tell her yes."
Kisame had the grace to glance back at Kakuzu, who inclined his head in a gesture that all too plainly said, well, I don't have a choice, do I?
"Alright." Kisame got his phone out. "We're... on..!" he said as he typed.
A tense twenty minutes later they were all huddled around Kisame's phone watching a new video that Karin had just uploaded to YouTube.
"So, me and the boys are on our way down to Cornwall for a week of sketching rocks and tin mine chimneys - thanks Sasuke for this thrilling itinerary - when all of a sudden - do you want to tell everyone who you've been texting, Suigetsu?"
Suigetsu Houzuki's face appeared, pointy toothed grin dominating the screen. "Kisame Hoshigaki," he announced obediently, in a tone of utter boredom.
"That's right!" said Karin's voice. "Kisame Hoshigaki - the editor of Akatsuki Magazine. And what did Kisame say?"
"Let's have a look..." Suigetsu started flicking back through what was clearly quite a quantity of messages. "Sorry I'm out of town this weekend... We should get together when I'm back in London... I didn't realise you were Mangetsu's brother til after you left the other night - are you really over 18 now?..." Karin thumped the back of his head.
"More specifically - what message did Kisame have for me?"
"Tell Karin I can get her an in on the week's hottest news story..." Suigetsu drawled, rolling his eyes.
"Right! And how did you get Kisame's number, Suigetsu?"
"I asked Hidan Yu," Suigetsu said, in the same bored tone. "We're with the same agency."
"Right. Suigetsu's got a bit of a thing for the rugged Mr. Hoshigaki - yes you have, Suigetsu, don't lie - so he thinks he'll call in a model to model favour!" Karin turned the camera away from Suigetsu and back to herself. "So - there's the background! I thought - thinking in the realms of the amazing but possible - Kisame's going to get me an interview with sexy badboy Hidan - so I give him a call! And it actually gets better people! Okay - it's not Hidan he can get me an interview with - but wait for it - contain your disappointment - it's Kakuzu Taki! That's right; the Kakuzu Taki who has never given an interview before! What's more, we can do it today! So we hopped off our train at Reading and we legged it over to the Cheltenham Spa service, which as luck would have it was waiting on Platform 1 and now we're on our way to the picturesque little town of Stroud, near where, at an undisclosed location, Hidan and Kakuzu, as well as artists Deidara Iwa and Sasori no Akasuna, the critic Itachi Uchiha - yup, that is Sasuke's big brother - gallery owner Konan Ame, plus the ever helpful Kisame Hoshigaki and several other major players on the art scene are all on retreat together. Yes, those guys holiday together - I know, right, I'm creaming myself too! So watch this space everyone! I'm going to livestream our little interview and we can all hear exactly what went down in Edinburgh last weekend!"
The screen faded to black and Kakuzu handed Kisame back his phone with a little shudder. "Are you absolutely certain that this is wise?" he asked. "She seems..." he searched fruitlessly for words. "She seems..."
"Batshit," Hidan supplied. His tone was almost admiring. "She seems fucking batshit, man."
"Well, it's a calculated risk, certainly," Kisame admitted. "And there'll a lot riding on how you perform, Kakuzu, but the fact that it is high-risk makes all the stakes a lot higher. Her assessment it going to seem genuine and unbiased in a way we can't really achieve with conventional methods. If it comes off well, you're basically going to be home and dry."
"Mph," said Kakuzu. He turned to Hidan, who was on the sofa reclining against a huge pile of cushions and eating Haribo. "What do you think, 'sexy badboy'?"
"Fucking go for it, theee Kakuzu Taki," Hidan said, tossing a miniature fried egg into his mouth. "You've got to now, anyway, look how many fucking views that little teaser she just put out has got already."
He showed Kakuzu his phone screen and Kakuzu gave a little grimace. "I can't help feeling you'd do it an awful lot better," he said.
Yahiko emerged from the kitchen. "No. Absolutely not. Hidan is a liability right now."
"Well, fuck you too, prick!" Hidan gave him the finger. "But seriously, Kakuzu, you'll have a much bigger impact. Like she said, people are used to me running my mouth off all the fucking time."
By the time Konan left to pick up Karin and the rest of the posse from Stroud, the tension seemed to have spread to everyone but Zetsu, who didn't seem capable of feeling tense anyway. Yahiko, who'd clearly had these kids on his radar for some time, was laying plans to bring them permanently into the Akatsuki fold, and Tobi was buzzing around him with a manic energy. Itachi, though outwardly calm, was clearly deeply emotional about seeing his brother again; Kisame seemed jittery too. Deidara and Sasori went out to do some more sketching, Sasori muttering darkly about the intrusion of the press, despite having been so keen the night before last for Kakuzu to do something like this. Hidan had become irritable about being characterised as a liability. He gave Itachi the rest of his Haribo to calm him down and trailed off upstairs. Kakuzu went up with him to make sure he had enough to keep him occupied.
"You could always have a shower," he teased as they passed the bathroom. "That would probably give us longer than we need!"
"That would be my third shower of the day! I can only justify it if you make me dirty first..." Hidan gripped the front of Kakuzu's t-shirt and pushed him against the doorframe, leaning up towards him.
Kakuzu uncurled his fingers. "Much as I'd enjoy that, you know I don't have time now." He kissed him lightly, still holding onto his hands. God, did he want to; he got a grip and pulled back. "Don't you have a book to read or something?"
"Fucking hell..." Hidan pulled his hands free and wandered into Kakuzu's room, nearly tripping over the mattress they'd dragged in there from the bunk room.
"Not much of a reader?" Kakuzu asked, and Hidan shook his head.
"Not really." He stared at Kakuzu aggressively, fiddling with his rosary. "Fuck it, I'm going out."
"You're- where?"
"On my bike. I need a fucking bike ride, okay? I'm going fucking mental cooped up in this shithole!"
Having already been for a run and the chapel being very far from a shithole, he was definitely trying to pick a fight, but Kakuzu was determined not to be drawn. "Okay. Good idea. Have fun," he said lightly. That was no fun for Hidan, of course. He growled. They went back downstairs together, and Hidan pounced on Zetsu, who was meditating in a half lotus position.
"Oi Zetsu, you got a GoPro with you?"
"Sure, man, you going to try something?" Zetsu looked up, his utter relaxation contrasting sharply but satisfyingly with Hidan's tight-as-a-spring demeanour.
"Yeah, I've got an idea... wanna tag along?"
"Alright, let me get my kit, I'll get you from another angle."
Kakuzu closed his eyes. "I don't want to know," he muttered. He was going to have to put it completely out of his head, and then Hidan would resent him for that, but there it was. He couldn't see any alternative. But Hidan actually came back over from the door.
"Hey, don't look so fucking worried!" he said, all sweetness now.
"Hidan!" Kakuzu growled. "You're trying to worry me. When you know I've got to focus!"
Hidan opened his mouth, then shut it again, eyes sliding sideways.
"There. You can't even deny it!" Kakuzu shook his head. "You're feeling left out, hm? Fine. Go and do something horrifically dangerous - just come back in one piece, okay?"
"Of course I fucking will."
Zetsu came back into the room carrying a DSLR and they headed for the door, Hidan blowing Kakuzu a kiss over his shoulder.
So it was that half an hour later Kakuzu found himself seated at the kitchen table while Karin Uzumaki and her friend Jugo set a little camera up to point at him. She was just as young and bolshy as he'd remembered, but she looked intelligent - he felt like he'd be able to get along with her reasonably well. He was pretty glad now that Hidan was properly out of the way, and that he'd left in a good mood, with no bad blood between them; there was no reason for him to take any more risks than normal. Kisame, Konan and Yahiko were still hovering. Suigetsu was lounging on a wooden chair. He looked bored out of his skull but he glanced up and flashed Kakuzu a lazy smile. With brief murmurs about being there if they were needed, Konan and Yahiko repaired to the living room. Kakuzu knew they'd be listening, but, well, out of sight out of mind as far as he was concerned. Kisame lightly touched Suigetsu's shoulder. "So..." he said.
"So?" Suigetsu was clearly an unhelpful little tease. They eyeballed each other for a moment.
"Well, how about a nice stroll in the countryside and you can tell me why you were so keen to have my number, kid," Kisame finally got up the guts to say, and Suigetsu acquiesced gracefully enough. Kakuzu hoped for Kisame's sake that Suigetsu would be more of a fan of the countryside than Hidan was.
And finally, there was peace and quiet in the kitchen. "Ready?" said Jugo, and Karin looked at Kakuzu. He gave a small nod, and Jugo switched the camera on and started the livestream.
"Hello, everyone," Karin said, and immediately she was in a different mode, absolutely in control. "So, here I am with Kakuzu Taki. We've just arrived and set up - we've literally only exchanged a couple of sentences so far, so what you're going to see is absolutely raw and unplanned, nothing's off-limits - we're going to get to know each other as you watch." She turned back to Kakuzu.
"Mr. Taki-" she began.
"Kakuzu, please," Kakuzu murmured graciously.
Karin smiled. "Kakuzu. This is a pretty new experience for you; am I right in saying you've never given an interview before?"
Kakuzu smiled too. It wasn't a very wide smile, but it was courteous. "Indeed," he said. "I do prefer to avoid the limelight where possible, but I find my reputation so very much under attack that I felt perhaps I had better emerge and set the record straight." He laughed, and so did Karin.
"I'm really keen to hear your point of view," she said. "We've heard a lot from the other side - the Asuma camp, as it were -"
"Well, first of all," Kakuzu swiftly cut in, making it seem as though he'd merely accepted a natural opening, "I don't regard myself as anti-Asuma, not in the least. I admire his work and I enjoyed having his work in my collection for many years. However, as with anything, one's tastes and views change over time, and I began to find those particular works that I sold were not ones that I found personally valuable any more. You can understand as well, I'm sure, that after what happened in Edinburgh - much as I try to be objective where investments are concerned - I wasn't going to be able to view them in the same way again."
"You also traded some pieces from your bank's portfolio...?"
"I'm not ignorant of the effect that sales from my personal collection have on the art market in general. It may seem cold-blooded, but a successful collection is a fluid one. I can't keep everything I buy - I buy a lot. If my collection were to become stagnant and unexciting, then the reputations of the artists featured in it would also suffer - it's how the art market works."
"Thank-you for that very succinct explanation, Kakuzu. It's obviously a cut-throat world, and I must say, I'm glad it still has some romance attached - what of the rumours of your romantic attachment to Hidan Yu?"
"Well, boyfriend begins to seem like a ridiculous word once you're over forty, but yes - of all the unlikely rumours flying around at the moment, that one is actually true..."
"Now, that's quite an age gap, isn't it... isn't Hidan only twenty-eight..."
"Yes he is." Kakuzu's tone rather closed that avenue down. "I must say I've found it very disappointing, the way this has been splashed around the news. I hesitate to accuse Shikamaru Nara of homophobia, but I did feel the tone of his article was - rather censorious of our relationship, which I found strange."
"Dare I say the words 'straight white male privilege'...?" Karin murmured conspiratorially and Kakuzu chuckled.
"Well, I'm not going to complain if you do!" he agreed, starting to feel a little more relaxed, "despite probably being guilty of unintentionally flexing the last of those upon occasion. As for what's been said about Hidan - well, to me - and I'll be the first to admit I'm just a little biased-" he gave a wry fond smile, and could see Karin beginning to melt "-it seems to me that it's his detractors whose behaviour should be called 'vengeful' and 'vicious'. I've rarely seen such a witch hunt, and after Hidan was actually assaulted by Asuma and his friends in the first place!"
"That's interesting because Shikamaru Nara laid some pretty heavy hints that it was the other way around but stopped short of actually saying it..." Karin observed.
"I presume so that no-one could call him out on an outright lie," Kakuzu continued seamlessly. "Well, I'm going to call him out on it anyway, because he clearly intended his audience to draw that conclusion and it's absolutely not true. It was an easy slur to make since Hidan's been viewed as the bad-boy of the art scene for a while now. Of course people find it easy to believe that he's the one who starts the 'brawls' or whatever you want to call them. But it wasn't the case here."
Karin nodded. "Okay. So, I think by now what everyone really wants to know is - what actually did happen?"
"Asuma and three friends - actually including Nara - set on Hidan at a restaurant while I was inside paying the bill. He acted entirely in self-defence. But by the time I got back he was - fairly inevitably - getting the worst of it. Thankfully I was able to, ah, level the playing field somewhat... People say 'oh, these hot-headed artists', and they romanticise things like this, but it was an ugly situation, very ugly indeed."
Karin was leaning forward avidly. "I heard something about a picture..?" she asked.
"You want to see it?" Kakuzu got his phone out of his pocket. Then he accidentally opened his photostream instead of the camera roll. "Oh my. Hold on a second!" He swiftly jerked the phone back towards him. Hidan had taken him at his word last week when he'd complained about being left with just his imagination... "Goodness! I can't let you see that!" Karin let out a squeal of delight, covering her mouth.
"Please can I? Pretty please?! We don't have to show the camera!"
"We most certainly won't be showing the camera! Good grief, definitely not that one... Ah!" He found a rare one of only Hidan's top half - he'd sent it on Tuesday, just before his last session at St Martin's. He briefly showed it to Karin. "Look, you can still see the bruises here." Karin let out a gratifying moan of mingled appreciation and sympathy.
Kakuzu was sure he must be visibly blushing; he felt distinctly hot under the collar. On the plus side, however, it seemed to have made Karin warm to him immensely; they seemed to have achieved a kind of intimate camaraderie that would provide a beautiful counterpoint to the macho blokiness of the 'Asuma camp'. He found the right picture and just about managed not to hesitate as he put the phone into her hand. She studied it for a moment, then addressed the camera. "Well, after that little bit of fun, boys and girls, we have something a lot less nice to show you."
She held Kakuzu's phone up to the camera with a practised and steady hand. "So there it is," she said. "Four against one, plus a big motherfucking knife. I have to say: the fucking bastards!" She turned back to Kakuzu. "I'm actually really really impressed that you were even able to 'level the playing field', as you so euphemistically put it. But you say you weren't there at the beginning. Could Hidan have started it anyway, in your opinion? Would he take on four guys at once?"
"Oh, sure," Kakuzu said. "He might well if he was sufficiently provoked. But he wouldn't have been shy about saying so! And I really can't take all the credit for both of us walking away unscathed - there's certainly no-one I'd rather have to face such a situation with than Hidan."
"Okay, that's adorable, and fucking scary for anyone else who might be wanting to take you on! I can see that there's a lot of trust between you. But - for the rest of us - can you explain what makes you so sure that didn't happen?"
Kakuzu looked at her in surprise. "We'd just had a lovely relaxed evening," he said, an edge of incredulity in his tone. "We were about to head back to our hotel. No-one else was even on our radar!" Time to shift the focus a little, he thought. "What makes me really angry is that they confronted Hidan, alone, about my actions. The fact that I'd let go of the work of one of Asuma's friends. I mean - why not just come and talk to me?"
"Right. I can understand you must be pretty mad at Asuma. I wouldn't actually blame you for dropping his work entirely for that. But what about that other artist - and the incident with Hidan that Nara talks about - a religious artist, wasn't it?"
"Oh yes, Chiriku. I don't know what happened with Hidan - it was before we met and it's never come up. Nara is wrong about the entire chronology of that, actually; I had been negotiating those sales well before I met Hidan. There's a ... specialist market for that kind of thing, several collectors were very interested. In fact I had been thinking about selling my Sarutobis at around that time. It was on my mind the night I actually did meet Hidan, as I recall."
"Before, I'm assuming!" Karin interjected and Kakuzu laughed.
"Oh, absolutely, as several unflattering eyewitness accounts have attested-" - oh hi, Daily Mail, Karin mouthed - "-I clearly only had One Thing on my mind afterwards! But, joking aside, I felt - and of course this is an entirely subjective opinion - but I felt that Asuma's work had been getting less exciting for a while. When you compare his output to someone like Sasori no Akasuna, whose career has followed a similar trajectory - well, you can see the difference immediately."
"How would you describe that difference?"
"In a nutshell, Sasori is constantly innovative, always developing. Asuma is - undeniably - settling down."
"Is settling down a euphemism for starting a family?!" Karin's question was slightly aggressive despite the rapport they'd developed - clearly this was a loaded subject for her - but Kakuzu was more than ready for it.
"Collectors have been ignoring absolutely stellar work by female artists for decades because they've assumed that they'll throw it all in and start a family at the height of their career," he said sternly. "It's an absolute tradition. And it's not one I've ever adhered to, so I'm simply flabbergasted that I should have these accusations flung my way." He looked straight at the camera. "And I'd like to remind the people saying these rather regrettable things that Kurenai Yuhi is an artist in her own right; one who, I might add, is represented in my collection and - certainly for the time being - will remain so."
Karin smiled, clearly pleased with him, and adjusting her glasses, addressed her next words to the camera too. "Well, there you have it, guys, straight from the horse's mouth. If I may paraphrase: Stop ignoring female artists, you fucking idiots!"
She turned back to Kakuzu. "Okay, let's move on. You've made a pretty good case for yourself here, but surely you can understand why people are pissed at you right now? For whatever reason, you've been able to massively impact on the career of an artist who's put years of dedication into building it up; people simply don't feel you should have that kind of power."
"Well, maybe they're right, and I do understand their motivation, of course," Kakuzu acknowledged. "It's hard to accept that something which is as much about appreciation and taste as fine art is also at the mercy of the world of finance and corporations. All I can say is, you make much quicker money as a bond trader - I'm a collector and an art investor because art is my passion and all the pieces in my collection are there because I saw something more than financial value in them." He paused for a moment, as if trying to decide whether or not to continue. "I really feel that Nara is letting his privilege talk, telling artists not to sell their work to me, or other big collectors. Not every artist comes from a comfortable middle class background. Undeniably, the artists are the reason there's a scene in the first place - you could call the rest of us mere hangers-on - but the art market is the means by which they make a living."
"That's fighting talk, Kakuzu..."
"Yes it is, I suppose. I really do take issue with the idea that I'm holding artists to ransom. Of course I wish all artists could make a decent living through their practice, and that's one of the reasons I'm involved with the Akatsuki Group, because they're constantly on the lookout for new talent and they do fantastic work with young artists, providing a platform that's launched several really exciting careers - including Deidara Iwa, to give one recent example. Nara will have to forgive me for not thinking that cliquey project spaces are the way forward for the majority of artists."
"Oh, I can't wait to hear the response to this, Kakuzu - I did wonder if anyone else had noticed that Project Number 10 has shown almost exclusively St Martin's graduates so far!"
Kakuzu just inclined his head a little. Of course I'd noticed, it said as clearly as if he'd spoken. Karin addressed the camera.
"Right! Time has been running away with us, and now it's over to you guys for the final question! Jugo has been keeping an eye on your comments and he's about to tell us what you're all burning to know. Jugo?"
"Yeah, uhh," came Jugo's calm level voice. "It basically boils down to 'how does it feel to be dating the hottest guy on the London art scene...' some people don't put it quite that politely, but yeah..."
"Okay, Kakuzu, hit us with it: how does it feel to be dating the hottest guy on the London art scene?"
"Well, Karin, to borrow a phrase from the guy in question, it feels fucking amazing - what do you think?"
Karin leaned forward, turning the camera away from Kakuzu. "Right, folks, that's it for now; we've livestreamed this today, so when you see Mr. Kakuzu Taki never putting a foot wrong, hesitating or fluffing a single word, that's because that's actually how he is in real life! It's been a real pleasure getting to chat to him, and, my verdict? Seriously; the St Martin's crowd need to back the fuck down. Asuma Sarutobi pulled a knife on Hidan Yu. We're all sorry he got hurt, but what the hell did he expect? Right! Subscribe, people, so you don't miss anything. Me and the boys will be discussing this all over again once we're back on the train - and I bet you all want to know what Suigetsu got up to with the editor of Akatsuki Magazine, huh? Bye for now!"
Jugo turned off the camera, and Kakuzu let out a brief sigh. "Well, thanks, Karin," he said. "You've really got a talent for this..." He suddenly felt utterly drained.
"No, thank you!" Karin said. She'd pulled round her laptop and was studying the screen intently. "The views for this are through the roof already, just from the livestream! I'm just looking at the comments - everyone loves the sexy photos bit - did you do that on purpose? It was inspired!"
"I really didn't..." Kakuzu insisted, getting up and edging towards the door. He wished Konan or Yahiko would come in and take things from here. He just wanted to crawl away and hide in a dark corner.
"Well you handled it perfectly." Karin was tapping away at her computer, uploading the completed video. "People are absolutely loving you..."
Oh look," she said suddenly. "Your friend Zetsu has put up a new video! Oh wow!" She gave a delighted giggle. "Did you know that's what they were up to? How were you so calm all this time?!"
Kakuzu strode back to the table. A glance at Karin's screen told him that Hidan had decided to try out the slope he'd fallen down yesterday on his bike. The video switched nauseatingly between footage from the GoPro mounted on his handlebars and a static tracking shot following him down the horribly steep and hazardously boulder strewn descent.
"Christ! It's not even a mountain bike!" Kakuzu exclaimed. He felt sick.
"That's a 'no', then, I take it." Karin patted Kakuzu's arm. "Hey," she said soothingly, clearly noticing his distressed state. "They've uploaded it already. They'll be sitting in some field with a laptop and a dongle by now - he's fine! Look, there he is at the bottom! He made it - it was all okay!"
Kakuzu sat down at the table again and let his head drop into his hands. "I know... I'm just- it's been a really stressful week," he murmured. He knew he shouldn't be opening up to Karin - after all, this whole experience was going to be chewed over with her boys the whole way down to Cornwall and spread in bite-sized chunks all over the internet. But there was something relatable about her and he was past caring. "Hidan lets it out by taking his life in his hands. I... I just don't let it out, I guess..."
"Oh, hey, Kakuzu!" Her nice low voice was sympathetic and her hand tentatively on his shoulder. "Talking live to camera is stressful, particularly when you're new to it, it takes it out of you... and going back over that horrible experience - it's no wonder you're feeling cut up. You just need a nice cup of tea or something - Jugo, go and grab Ms Ame..."
Kakuzu gave a mirthless chuckle. "I think I need a Dry Martini already..." Karin gave a sympathetic laugh. He heard a flurry of footsteps across the kitchen floor and tried to pull himself together.
"I'm sorry," Karin was saying to Konan, "I should've kept it shorter, but it was going so well..."
"It was perfect," Konan's cool tones reassured her. "Kakuzu - Yahiko and I both thought you were fantastic. You can relax now! I'll put the kettle on!"
"Yes, please don't worry, Karin," Kakuzu murmured, wishing they'd all leave him alone. "Blame Hidan, not yourself! I just... seem to need to stay like this for a minute..."
Suddenly there was a lot more noise over at the front door, and far more energetic and buoyant footsteps striding towards him. Hidan's voice, loud and accusatory: "Hey, what've you done to Kakuzu?!"
As he lifted his head Hidan was already beside him, trying to lever him up by the shoulders. "Fuck me dead, I go out for half a fucking hour and you've fucking broken Kakuzu! Seriously, do you want to be a bit more fucking sensitive?! He's not used to this media shit!"
"I'm alright, Hidan," Kakuzu murmured, leaning back, not able to help a little smile at Hidan getting protective and indignant on his behalf, but still burning with shame all the same. "I'm definitely not broken. Not quite, anyway."
Hidan leant over him, staring intensely into his eyes. "Hey, you fucking aced it man!" he said, then somehow got a leg over him, squeezing in between him and the table, straddling him in his chair, taking his face between his hands. "You were so fucking cool and collected, it was fucking hot as. Ask Zetsu: I was getting seriously over-excited!"
"He was not in any way chill, man, it's true," Zetsu confirmed.
"Hidan..." Kakuzu began, but then the utter impossibility of restraining him in any way was suddenly borne in on him and there just didn't seem any point in urging discretion. "How did you watch it anyway?" he asked.
"There's wifi in the pub. We only caught the second half though," Zetsu explained, wandering over to his biscuit tin and taking one before offering it round.
"Don't have one of those, Karin," Kakuzu warned. "They're not what they seem."
"Oh man! Your fucking face when you found the wrong photos!" Hidan continued enthusiastically. "I was going to send you another one but Zetsu said better not... Oh! I liked the bit where you said I'd've totally taken the fuckers on! I fucking would've as well, if I'd known what they had up their sleeves."
"A knife?" Kakuzu suggested, shaking his head. "You crazy fool..."
"A lot of people liked that bit..." Karin, half hidden behind her laptop, was reading comments and shooting them sideways glances. "Zetsu, you spoilsport. Love your channel by the way."
"Oh, yeah, hey, we made a video too!" Hidan declared happily, as if only just thinking of it.
"Karin just showed me. You're going to give me a nervous breakdown one of these days," Kakuzu claimed grumpily, though having Hidan back beside him was making him feel better already.
"Showed that fucking slope who's boss, though, didn't I?! Hidan demanded.
"Yes, Hidan. You showed a slope who's boss," Kakuzu agreed. "Now, with your pride and honour intact, can you at least get a mountain bike if you're going to make a habit of that sort of thing?"
"Yeah, I just fucking might! It was fucking awesome, seriously!" Hidan made to get up and Kakuzu completely instinctively found his arms tightening around him to prevent him. Their eyes met and despite his uncomfortable awareness of the kitchen filling up with people around them he held on for a moment.
"Are you alright, really?" he asked quietly. "Are there behind-the-scenes takes where you do come off? Which, by the way, I never ever want to see..."
"No, then." Hidan leant forward and kissed him, fingers threading through his hair - Kakuzu still couldn't believe quite how much he never cared if people were watching them - "There are no such fucking outtakes. Stop borrowing trouble, seriously. You'd never've had to know, would you?"
Konan set a cup of tea down on the table next to them with a sympathetic sounding murmur and a recommendation to go and relax in the living room. Kakuzu shifted Hidan to one side. "What funny phrases you come out with," he commented, reaching round him for his tea, taking a small sip and setting it back down. "Borrowing trouble! It sounds like something a maiden aunt ought to say!"
"My mum used to say it!" Hidan said defensively. "It was my aunts who were fucking always doing it!"
Kakuzu set him on his feet and got up too. "You keep saying it then, love," he said, dropping a kiss on the top of his head. "I am going to notice if you have any extra bruises though!" He picked up his tea and went through to the living room to sit in his favoured armchair by the unlit stove; Hidan automatically followed him like an imprinted duckling. He draped himself comfortably half on the arm and half on Kakuzu. They didn't even need to talk. Hidan took Kakuzu's tea and drank some of it, making a face at the lack of sugar.
"You could have your own, you know..."
"Nah, it's alright." He took another slurp, then handed it back. They vaguely registered Sasuke coming down the stairs alone, then being drawn off into the kitchen by Tobi. Then Suigetsu coming in alone, looking like that cat that got the cream until Kisame followed a few minutes later and avoided his eye. He wasn't looking so hot, actually - more like conflicted with an edge of self-hatred, and weary. He headed straight upstairs. They heard quiet tapping. "Itachi?" A murmur of low voices; a door closing.
"Maybe that hook-up wasn't the best plan..." Hidan murmured low to Kakuzu.
"No. I mean, it rarely is." Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. "I've clearly lucked out, but getting involved with the extremely young usually turns out afterwards to have been a terrible idea. Before, though, you're so spaced out with lust you can't think straight... it's... clearly hard to turn down..."
Hidan made a face at him. "You might be old enough to be my barely-legal daddy," he commented. "But do remember that I'll be kissing goodbye to my twenties horrifically soon, okay? I'm going to go and have a word with baby-boy over there. Don't even try to stop me!"
"No, no, you go ahead." Kakuzu nudged him off the arm of the chair and picked up his book. "I'm sure he could use a little guidance..."
Suigetsu was standing uncertainly, chewing on a fingernail, clearly not sure whether or not he ought to go and join his friends in the kitchen, and Hidan found he was taking a gentler tone than he'd intended as he said, "Look, kid, Kisame's a mate - please don't fucking mess him around, alright?"
"Hidan," Suigetsu drew him aside, an edge of confused anxiety in his attempt at a careless grin. "I thought we were cool, I don't know why he just went off like that. I thought he had a good time..."
"Did you have a good time?" Suigetsu didn't answer that. Hidan paused a moment, then patted his shoulder. The kid looked exhausted, now he saw him closer. What had Kisame been doing with him? "Alright," he said. "Look, I'm not going into any details, but he's been through some rough shit recently. You might need to give him a bit of space. He was pretty fucking stoked when I told him you wanted his number though." He glanced over at Kakuzu, peacefully reading his book. He caught Hidan's eye and his expression seemed to soften slightly as he looked back down. Hidan flung himself expansively onto the leather sofa and gestured to Suigetsu to sit down too. "Take your mind off it but giving me some fucking catwalk tips," he invited - anything for a distraction because Suigetsu looked like he might cry. "I've been fucking coerced into it and I'm not fucking happy!"
Diverting as an interlude with extreme youth had been, everyone had been quite relieved when Konan took the kids back to Stroud to catch the last train to St Erth. Karin started posting extremely regular little video updates as soon as they were on their train, though, and all afternoon Yahiko and Kisame were obsessively checking news sites to see how it was being reported by the traditional media. They were still going on about it by the time it was finally a decent hour to break out the real drinks. "We'll have to follow this up with a feature in the magazine," Kisame was saying to Kakuzu, cracking open a beer. It was clearly far from over, despite how much Kakuzu clearly wanted it to be.
Hidan's phone pinged. "Fuck, another one already?" He wearily pressed play, swinging up to sit on the work surface to watch it.
"So, some Akatsuki Group trivia! Hidan - or Hi-damn! as I now like to refer to him, having seen him in the flesh - tells me he'll be making his catwalk debut in three weeks, and that his agency has commanded him to live on Haribo and black coffee until that time."
"I saw him eating a banana," Suigetsu cut in.
Sasuke's voice: "He was definitely drinking a latte."
"Anyway, come on, Karin, you know you don't have eyes for anyone but Sasuke," Suigetsu teased obnoxiously.
"Yeah, bite me," Karin replied sardonically. "Suigetsu's just sore because Kisame hasn't texted him since we left - maybe you didn't make a good impression sweetheart-
Hidan flicked off his phone, hoping Kisame hadn't caught that. Itachi hadn't emerged all afternoon - emotionally drained by his meeting with Sasuke, presumably - and he had the feeling that Kisame didn't need to be reminded of whatever he'd done with Suigetsu just now. "Enough of these fucking kids now," he said. "I actually feel like a fucking grown-up for once." He drank half a glass of wine in one gulp and ate a handful of cashew nuts.
"Nah, you're Peter fucking Pan, Hidan," Deidara moved the nuts away from him. "You're never going to be a proper grown up..."
"That makes you fucking Tinkerbell, then." Hidan pointed at him. "And if we all say 'I don't believe in fairies!' some bad shit is going to happen to you, man!"
"Clap your hands!" Tobi exhorted. "Clap your hands!" Deidara threw a cashew nut at him.
They were all gradually congregating in the kitchen for a final meal together before travelling back to London in the morning. There was a tight-knit feeling to the gathering now - perhaps there was a good reason for team-building or networking or whatever it was they were supposed to have been up to. Hidan felt almost sorry to be going back tomorrow. Almost. He wasn't going to miss rolling out of a narrow bed at 3am, even onto a strategically positioned mattress... He stretched out an arm to reach Kakuzu - where he was leaning against the dishwasher drinking a well deserved Dry Martini - and briefly massage his nearest shoulder. "You're still tense," he said, knocking back the rest of his wine. Kakuzu moved closer and Hidan pulled him closer still, between his legs, putting his arms around him from behind and resting his chin on his shoulder. Perhaps it was naive, but he felt like all the shit was behind them now, that they could just focus on getting to know each other properly. He smiled into Kakuzu's neck and felt him begin to unwind.
Though it was really only dusk, the platform at St Erth felt dark after the brightness of the carriage. They'd barely be able to see the famous St Erth to St Ives coastal scenery on the final leg of their journey. Karin pulled a half-asleep Suigetsu from the train, deposited him onto Jugo. They had a 15 minute wait for their connection - she shivered a little as she followed Sasuke along the platform a little way, tugging her jacket tighter around her. Sasuke was staring up the dark track and brooding. He'd been brooding on the train for the last few hours as well, as everything he'd heard during the day began to sink in. "Sasuke..." she called, glancing back at the others. They were on a bench, out of earshot - and Suigetsu was properly asleep again anyway, flopped against Jugo's shoulder. She hurried to catch him up.
"Sasuke, are you alright?"
He didn't really answer - it was as if he didn't even see her. "Those fucking bastards at St Martin's," he gritted out bitterly. "I'm going to bring them down. I'm going to fucking annihilate the reputation of that fucking place."
This wasn't anything to do with Hidan and Kakuzu. Karin, though she pushed the thought away, knew where Sasuke's head was at nowadays better than to think he'd even care. This was something far closer to home for him. "What happened?" she asked, putting her hand on his arm. "Did you find out what happened when Itachi left? What did that Tobi guy say to you?"
"Really, fuck them all." Sasuke moved away a little. He didn't acknowledge her questions. "Anyone who graduates from there can kiss goodbye to an art career - a degree from St Martin's is going to be fucking toxic by the time I'm done."
"What about your friend? What about all the guys you were on foundation with?"
He finally did look at her then, and his eyes were black and cold. "Fuck them all."