Chapter 2
I'm not sure what's wrong with me anymore. I can't help but feel so guilty at the worry-ridden and sleep-deprived eyes I see every day in Charlie's face. Looking at the calendar on the kitchen wall beside the old rotary phone Charlie refuses to replace I realize that He's been gone for nearly three months now. Taking a shuddering breath I put aside my coffee cup and go upstairs to get ready for school. I look in the mirror and I see a hollow shell of who I once was. I think I'm going crazy. It seems like the incident was just days ago not months. Hearing the phone trill downstairs I jump at the unexpected loud noise. It's as I'm slowly making my way back downstairs to grab my truck keys I hear the words that shock me to my core.
"Renee...No, I don't know what to do anymore. She's not getting better..." Charlie heaves such a resigned sigh that I flinch from the guilt knowing I did that to him. "I think you're right maybe a change of scenery will be best. I'll talk to her this evening when she comes home from school. I don't want her to leave but I don't see any other options..." My jaw drops and my mind scrambles to find a way to process what I'm hearing. "Yeah...you too. Bye, Renee." I hear him hang up the phone with a loud click of finality. I'm still mentally panicking and frozen on the last step when Charlie rounds the corner to get his gun belt. All at once it's like a fire has been lit in me. A fire that's been long absent even since before He left.
I leap into action with more vigor than I've had in months. I can see the surprise cross Charlie's face at my sudden animation when I've been so dead. "You can't make me leave! I won't go back to mom! I want to stay here with you..." That last bit got cut off with a broken sob as the fire flickers to a dying ember before going back out as I drop to my knees. I'm even more dead now than I was before the fire came back to life. I can't help but think that everyone in my life abandons me. That I'm just not worth the time it'd take to piece me back together. First, Renee leaves me behind for her next hobby or fling constantly. Then, the Cullens leave me because I'm just not good enough for them. Next, all my friends from school abandoned me because I turned into a zombie and wasn't worth the effort. Now, even my own father wants rid of me. What is wrong with me? Why am I so unwanted? What makes me so unlovable?
"Bells..." I jump when a warm hand lands on my shoulder. Looking up I can barely see through the tears. What I can see is what looks almost like remorse on my father's face. "Honey, that's the most emotion I've seen from you in months. I don't know how to help you. You're still waking up screaming from God knows what in your nightmares. You don't see any of your friends anymore. When's the last time you went out to the reservation and hung out with Jacob? Hell, when's the last time you left the house for anything other than school or the grocery store? I think going to Florida to live with your mom might be a good idea." I began to tense up at the mere suggestion. I refused to be anywhere other than right here in rainy, cold, godforsaken Forks just in case they came back. They would never be anywhere near Florida with the way the sun shines but there was a slim chance they might come back here. Suddenly, an idea hit me like lightening. Charlie wanted me to be more social maybe he'd accept me trying even if it didn't phase the gaping black icy hole in my chest. I had to do something to convince him to let me stay.
"What if I went to the reservation and hung out with Jake? I'll call him this evening after school if you'll give me a chance to prove to you that I can be better." Charlie must have noticed how big this was for me because he slowly nodded. I know I couldn't even force a half smile for his sake still consumed by my worry that he'd ship me off first chance he got.
"Alright, you can try to prove it to me. But Bells, if you aren't getting better by spring break you will move back to your mother's. I can't take seeing you so lifeless anymore. I just want my happy Bells back." In an uncharacteristic show of affection that told me more than his speech earlier how worried he was he bent down to kiss the top of my head and squeezed my shoulder before letting go. "We're both going to be late if we don't leave now." Clearing his throat he grabbed his keys and gun-belt and headed out to the patrol car.
I sat there for another minute or two just long enough to hear him pull out of the drive. Slowly I got up, wiped my eyes and grabbed my own keys and headed out to my truck. I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding and started up the beast before backing out and heading to school.
The day past in a blur and this time it wasn't because I was zombified but rather planning how to get Charlie off my back. Before I knew it, the last bell signaling the end of the school day rang. Something must've changed in the way people saw me that day because for the first time in months Mike Newton decided to pester me again. I hadn't even managed to gather all of books when I heard a throat being cleared way too close. Looking up I barely resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Just as he opened his mouth to no doubt ask me out I held up my hand. He paused just long enough for me to speak first. "Mike, I don't have time for this. I have plans with someone else." A blatant lie if I ever told one but the emotionless quality my voice held these days actually helped sell it. The look on his face was priceless. If I could've felt more I would've snickered. I continued gathering my things effectively dismissing him. Unfortunately I underestimated his determination.
"Bella, you don't even know what I was going to say." I swear he looked like a kicked golden retriever. I just shook my head and walked toward the door and the freedom that my truck offered. He just wouldn't take a hint though and followed me out into the parking lot. "I was wondering if you were free, maybe you could go out on a date with me? We could go the movies in Port Angeles. I hear there's this really good romantic comedy playing this weekend." He just was not going to let up. I could feel the small embers the fire from the argument with Charlie this morning left behind start to glow brighter every second he followed me. The spark that ignited that small little ember was when the mother fucker tried to spin me around by catching my arm. It was like the numbness and pain took a backseat to the growing anger inside me.
"Will you get a damn clue?" I ripped my arm out of his handhold and spun on my heels not even noticing how I didn't start to face plant like I normally would given the suddenness of my movements. I was consumed with feeling anything after so long with nothing. I relished this moment as I ripped Mike a new asshole figuratively. "Do not ever put your fucking hands on me again, Newton! I said I wasn't interested. No means no, asshole! I didn't want to go out with you when I first moved here. I didn't want to go out with you when I wasn't single. I didn't want to go out with you after I broke up with him. And I do not want to go out with you now. I will not ever go out with you. I would not go out with you if you were the last boy on earth!" I finished with as much of a sneer as I could muster. Somehow I felt like I was the guy refusing Sam in Green Eggs and Ham. I didn't care though I was just tired after the long day and feeling again even if it was in small bursts of anger. I wanted to go home and crawl in bed. It was at that moment I realized we hadn't been as alone in the parking lot as I thought.
"Go, Bella!" "Yeah, you tell him what for girl!" "Burned!" A few whistles went up in the air as different voices congratulated me on my tirade. I turned away from Mike to look around the lot. Almost half the school had been witness to my burst of anger. I could hear Mike sputtering behind me as he tried to slink off to lick his wounds. I felt a blush worm it's way up my neck into my cheeks as a combination of embarrassment and pride wound it's way through me. I bowed to my audience enjoying the moment since I knew I'd be numb again before I made it home and I wanted to savor it. With one last cheer going up I got in my truck to drive home and call the Blacks.