Is it Life or Art?

by lilac-bramble

AU KakuHidan set against the tempestuous backdrop of the London art scene... Kakuzu is an investment banker with an extensive art collection and a difficult past, Hidan is a notorious life model unwillingly moving into fashion. Can they keep it together as their friends' relationships deteriorate around them and Hidan just can't seem to stay out of trouble?

27. Chapter 27

It was the afternoon of the party and Kakuzu was in his kitchen, feeding the dogs and scanning the newspaper before a run on the Heath with Hidan. Hidan was still changing, but Kakuzu was ready - and catching his own name in the sea of text he sat down to read the paragraph more fully.

'Itachi Uchiha's and Nagato Pein's declining health, the loss of Sasori no Akasuna, Hidan Yu and Kakuzu Taki beleaguered with lawsuits and locked in a seemingly never-ending cycle of bad press and notoriety, Deidara Iwa off the rails and dragging Tobi Uchiha down with him... Is there anyone left from the once seemingly charmed Akatsuki crowd who's still OK? Until last week we had Konan Ame as serene as ever, but since best-selling novelist Jiraiya took his life after she published as account of her inappropriate relationship with him as a schoolgirl, Ms. Ame has retreated from the public eye, and has even reportedly fallen out with long term friend and collaborator Yahiko…'

Kakuzu threw the paper down in disgust. Shikamaru Nara writing for The Guardian Arts section. His tone was soggy with concern and false sympathy, but clearly the boy was revelling in painting the Akatsuki group as a bunch of malfunctioning has-beens.

The run-up to the party - or dinner, as Kakuzu still insisted on calling it - had hardly been smooth. It was true about the lawsuits, though Kakuzu had no idea how Nara had got hold of it so quickly. Kakuzu was being investigated for insider trading involving his sale of the bank's Sarutobis, and Hidan was being sued by the press photographer whose camera he'd smashed after Dei and Sasori's accident. Kakuzu was also up to his eyeballs in preparation for the opening of Sasori's retrospective, Hidan had been filming a TV ad for Comme des Garçons, as well as fitting in photoshoots with Vogue and GQ for Yugito's collection, and they were both stressed and tired. However, Kakuzu felt more strongly than ever that a new social direction was a priority for them. The Akatsuki Group had been making headlines for all the wrong reasons. Deidara and Tobi were being papped falling out of taxis and vomiting into gutters what felt like every other day now, and Kisame had been photographed coming out of his flat with Suigetsu, prompting speculation about Akatsuki love triangles and conservative hand-wringing about Suigetsu's extreme youth. Konan's exposé of Jiraiya couldn't have been more disastrous - after his suicide there had been an outpouring of sympathy for him and much questioning of Konan's story. The whole affair had outraged the literary and artistic community. And, for the coup de grâce, Akatsuki share prices were falling.

Kakuzu was worried about Hidan as well. He was clearly missing the creative process he'd had with Deidara; he didn't enjoy fashion modelling anything like as much as working with artists. He was booked with Suigetsu a lot, and Kakuzu didn't like the effect that was having on him. Then, at the opposite end of the scale from the pills and booze was Jashin. Kakuzu liked him even less than Suigetsu, and every time he walked in on Hidan with his rosary in his hand he had to bite back an angry outburst. A new creative partnership was clearly in order, and Kakuzu had fairly high hopes that Zabuza might provide that. After all, they were both art world bad boys - that had to count for something. Killer Bee also seemed like a wholesome sort of fellow despite his dubious fashion sense - Kakuzu was hoping he might counter Suigetsu's self-destructive influence a little.

However, Killer Bee was also something of a problem - he'd been asking Kakuzu every time he saw him if the hideous running kit he'd given him was the right size, and whether he liked it, and Kakuzu had taken to leaving the house the back way to avoid him as there was no way on earth he'd be seen dead in it. Kakuzu sighed, and used the Guardian to re-line the dog's feeding area. He didn't know what he'd say about it to Killer Bee tonight. And successfully introducing the man to Kisame might be his and Hidan's last chance to extract themselves from the disaster the Akatsuki was becoming. Because if Nagato Pein still expected Naruto Uzumaki's degree show to be delivered him after he and Konan had destroyed the boy's Godfather... well. It was looking very unrealistic, to say the least.

As though on cue, Hidan appeared in the kitchen, ready to go. And he'd obviously decided it was time Kakuzu's new running kit had an outing whether Kakuzu would wear it or not. He'd also added to the gold appliqué lettering in black biro so that it now read 'gay ART MOGUL 's gay boyfriend ' and, heedless of the paparazzi who were still encamped behind the front hedge, he set off for the Heath, Kakuzu in hot pursuit.

---

By the time Kakuzu finally accepted that the situation was unsalvageable and that yelling 'take the damn thing off!' after him while not being 100% able to keep up wasn't a good look either, they were nearly back at Parliament Hill, and he let Hidan pull ahead, then slowed to a gentle jog as he vanished down the footpath towards the street. He'd finally given Hidan had his own key - maybe he'd even have the kettle on by the time he caught up with him.

But he found him up in the living room, flopped out on the rug - and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to stretch out beside him, still breathing hard, heart thumping. Hidan turned his head to look at him and grinned. "You need to do more cardio, Ka-kuzuuuu," he teased.

"I do plenty of cardio!" Kakuzu protested, between pants. "I could do with being ten years younger, maybe - you should be impressed I can keep up with you at all!" He looked up at the ceiling and smiled. In all the years he'd lived here he didn't think he'd even once seen the room from this particular perspective.

Hidan laughed and took his hand. "Oh, I'm impressed," he said. "And I bet your neighbours are really fucking impressed. Even the dogs are probably impressed..." He started to sit up, but Kakuzu rolled over and pushed him back down.

"Oh?" Hidan laughed again, letting himself drop back onto the carpet, suddenly and deliberately submissive, pliable.

Kakuzu started to systematically strip him of the awful running kit, gratified to feel that Hidan had built up a fair sweat as well. He ran a hand over his chest. His pulse was completely back to normal already; damn, he was in such good shape. Kakuzu had ideas for changing that heartbeat though... Hidan stretched up to kiss him, which he briefly allowed, then pushed him down again.

"Stay there, you..." he growled.

"Fucking make me," Hidan murmured, getting both hands on the hem of Kakuzu's top and pulling it off over his head.

"If you insist…!" Kakuzu shifted himself on top of Hidan, pinning him down.

Hidan gave an experimental wriggle and managed to free one of his arms; Kakuzu recaptured it and pinned both wrists together above his head.

"That won't last," Hidan grinned, already shifting to find the weak point in Kakuzu's grip.

"Oh no?" Kakuzu fingers tightened. He lowered himself until their lips were touching and he could feel the rise and fall of Hidan's chest against his own. "Don't get cocky just because you're a little bit faster than me. That's not going to do you much good now , is it?"

Hidan gave a quickly stifled little moan of desire - and suddenly, unbidden, horrifically unwelcome, an image popped into Kakuzu's head of him lying barely conscious on that warehouse floor, ashen pale, blood everywhere. He tried not to let it in, but it was persistent.

Stop it, he told himself. You're being ridiculous. Get a grip! He pushed the image away, as he'd done countless times over the past fortnight, but today it didn't want to go. And before he could get into his stride at all, he found he wasn't really feeling very well. He felt lightheaded and strangely tired. Very aware of his own heartbeat. Maybe I'm going down with something , he thought. He just couldn't carry on.

"You ok babe?" Hidan was looking up at him, concern in his eyes, and Kakuzu felt a rising panic. He wasn't going to be able to perform. He couldn't do this.

And then, the phone rang. And rang and rang and rang. He pretended to be trying to ignore it, but it was insidious. It stopped, then - thank God - whoever it was rang again. Kakuzu got up. It felt like a lifeline. "Sorry sweetheart," he muttered. He couldn't quite look Hidan in the eye but the mood was well and truly broken. Ignoring a sudden twinge of cramping from an overworked calf muscle, he headed for the stairs. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Hidan hauling himself into a sitting position against the settee and staring accusingly after him.

It was Zabuza on the phone. His husband had been overseeing the hang of his new show in New York, and his flight back had been delayed - he wouldn't be able to make the party. Zabuza would be coming alone. Hardly had he put the phone down, when it rang again, Mei Terumi's PA this time - she had to attend an emergency meeting of the London Institute directors that evening - she'd be a little late. Even as he was sending a quick text to Karin who was fixing the dessert for him, it rang again, his agent, confirming that Zabuza did indeed own a sketch by Kakashi - he'd lent it to White Cube Gallery for an exhibition 3 years ago.

Kakuzu's pulse quickened. He'd give a lot to acquire that from Zabuza - he wondered what it would take to persuade him to part with it. Apparently the sketch had been a gift - which might make things more difficult. His source confirmed that Zabuza had been a big early influence on Naruto Uzumaki too. It was his final hope for that degree show acquisition - if he could get Zabuzu to agree to act as a middle man there might be a chance.

He felt a lot better after sitting at his desk for a few minutes. Perhaps he'd just overdone it on the run. Feeling slightly ridiculous now - why hadn't he just told Hidan how he was feeling? - he went back upstairs hoping to make it up with him, but he wasn't in the living room, and going back onto the landing, Kakuzu could hear the shower running. It did occur to him that he could join him, but a glance at his watch told him he didn't have time for that now - he had to get things into the oven and then get in the shower himself.

Over the river in Kennington, Karin was running late. When Kakuzu had asked her if she'd make a dessert (as he never cooked anything sweet and had no clue where to begin), of course she had enthusiastically agreed. And of course she'd wanted to do something impressive, and so had stupidly chosen something complex - miniature creme brûlées - which had taken twice as long as the recipe suggested. She'd got hot and bothered making the custard, and it had nearly curdled twice. Decanting it into the little ramekins had turned out to be messy and difficult and she'd strained her wrist and got custard on the floor. Then she was so paranoid about not overbaking them that she'd probably underbaked them, and by then she was so much behind schedule that she'd had to bung them straight in the fridge without letting them cool to room temperature.

She had to have a long shower to calm down, and when she came out she found the evening so unseasonably warm that she was hot and bothered all over again.

She pulled on the outfit that - thank goodness - she'd decided on a few days before, spritzed on a blast of Dior 'Poison' and strode to the door, only to be brought up short by the sight of Suigetsu leaning silently in the doorway.

"For God's sake, you are so creepy!" she snarled at him, then immediately felt guilty. He had a distinctly odd look on his face, which was unexpected as he'd been so much happier the past few weeks. Something was clearly up. "What is it?" she asked him, still irritated at the thought of him watching her getting ready, but at the same time not wanting to tip him into taking to his bedroom for another two weeks like last time he was upset.

"Where're you going?" he asked, clearly trying to sound casual. Failing pretty badly.

"Kakuzu's," she answered, brushing past him since he didn't move.

He trailed her down the hall. "It's a party then?"

"Yeah." She pulled on her shoes, then went into the kitchen to check on the creme brûlées. Turned out that despite an hour in the fridge they still weren't cold, and Suigetsu had eaten one. Also the fridge felt distinctly warm. Luckily Kakuzu had texted that Haku Yuki was stuck in New York so the party numbers were down. But Suigetsu didn't know that. She glared at him as she forced them into the overcrowded freezer, throwing his Tesco Value fish fingers into the sink to make room. "Fine!" she said brusquely, slamming the door on them. "What do you want to know? Just ask me and stop wasting my time. You've got until those are chilled."

But, "who's going?" was his only question, and he didn't even try to save his fish fingers. Her reeling off of the guest list - including Haku, so that Suigetsu could do the maths and feel guilty - was answered only by an unreadable look and a wordless exit, followed by the sound of the front door slamming. And for some reason, although he hadn't been home for over three weeks, the sound broke through her mental defences and made her think of Sasuke.

Kakuzu had bloody well better be grateful for this , she thought as she sat on the stairs to wait blinking tears back into her eyes. She briefly considered filling the time by making a quick video but she just didn't have the emotional energy. Her thoughts flickered back to that train journey the four of them had taken into the Cotswolds to meet the Akatsuki group in the first place. Laughing and bickering and making stupid videos. They'd been happy. They'd all been pretending not to be, of course, except Jugo who didn't do that kind of emo bullshit, but they were. Even Sasuke. And then, after, something had shifted. She hadn't thought of it before, but that was when it had happened. That was when Sasuke had started to be so cold and distant. And a connection made itself in her head with no prompting - maybe it was Akatsuki that did it. Maybe they're toxic, she thought. They're toxic and they've infected all of us.

---

Kakuzu was grateful, or would have been if he'd had a moment to think about it. The original plan had been to hire in caterers for the event but, perhaps because they were organising at quite late notice (although Hidan was convinced it was a conspiracy) none of the agencies he'd called had been able to help. It wasn't a disaster - or so he kept telling himself - Kakuzu quite enjoyed cooking and it was certainly a considerable saving. However, running late had not been part of the plan. Particularly running late due to not managing to have sex!

He also liked peace and quiet in the kitchen and had been finding Hidan much more hindrance than help. Hidan had definitely been in a fractious mood since he came out of the shower, and Kakuzu himself was feeling distinctly blue-balled. But there was no time to do anything about it. He'd tried to get rid of him by giving him the task of making a party playlist, but he just wandered around the kitchen doing it on his ipod and getting in the way. Finally Kakuzu ordered him upstairs with a bucket of ice to sort out the drinks table - deaf to his many complaints - and then allowed himself a moment to relax before the guests arrived.

Very unfortunately, however, their first guest appeared not to realise that to be on time was bordering on socially unacceptable and to be five minutes early was an utter faux pas; the jangling of the doorbell broke into Kakuzu's precious alone time, followed swiftly by the barking of all four dogs. Kakuzu strode down the hall feeling unusually anxious and already impatient for the evening to be over.

And it only took one look at Zabuza's trousers when he opened the door to him for Kakuzu to recognise with a sinking heart that Hidan was not going to hit it off with this guy. The bottle of cheap Zinfandel in his hand didn't bode well either. Kakuzu relieved him of it.

"Hidan's in the living room," he said, gesturing up the stairs. "Go on up and he'll fix you a drink. I'm just finishing up in the kitchen - I'll join you in a minute."

---

Across the road, Kisame was just starting to think about getting changed when Suigetsu walked into his kitchen with a face like thunder. He'd been popping over every couple of days for the past two weeks, but mostly like a little ray of sunshine. After the blowjob on the kitchen table incident, they'd lapsed into a pattern of casual sex whenever they were both free. It had been pretty awesome and Kisame had refused to let himself consider any of the ramifications of this behaviour. But he had told Suigetsu he was busy tonight, and not to come over. This didn't bode well. He braced himself.

"So you're off to a party, huh?" Suigetsu threw it down like a challenge.

Kisame almost flinched away from his intensely direct gaze. "Well, yeah," he fudged, as if it was no big deal. "Just over at Kakuzu's. I don't suppose it'll be that exciting - he just said he had a couple of people he wanted to introduce me to."

"What, guys?"

One strictly business - the other, maybe pleasure , Kakuzu had said when he invited him. Hidan had just snorted derisively so Kisame didn't really know quite what to make of that. But it was enough to make him pause, and not know how to answer.

"Right..." Suigetsu said miserably.

There was an awkward pause. "Well, maybe you can bring me," he added, looking up hopefully.

"Kid, I can't do that. It's a dinner, Kakuzu won't be expecting—"

"Maybe you should've asked for a plus one in the first place," Suigetsu muttered. "Zabuza's husband was invited."

"Hey!" Kisame protested. "That's not fair. We're hardly at that stage! And, fuck, is Zabuza going? I don't know if I wanna-"

"It's just that you deliberately didn't mention it!" Suigetsu interrupted, voice rising, not interested in his opinion of Zabuza. "I had to find out from Karin! And I just don't get why they'd invite her and not me—"

"Hey, come on, they don't even know that we got back t— that we've been seeing each other." Kisame quickly corrected himself, but he saw Suigetsu's eyes narrow. He'd been busted.

"Why'd you do that? Why don't you want to say 'together'?"

"Well we're not, are we, really?" Kisame knew it was harsh, and tried to soften the words with a placatory grin. He put a hand on Suigetsu's shoulder but was abruptly shrugged off.

"Well why aren't we? Why do you keep trying to shut this down?" he asked slightly histrionically. Kisame began to be very afraid he'd start crying - suddenly he looked so small and young.

"Look, kiddo, I know I seem like fun to you right now, but the pleasures soon pall, y'know?" he said, sitting down and scraping some hardened wax off the tabletop with a teaspoon. "I'm a pretty boring bastard really, if I'm honest. I'm not the easiest to live with either. Literally all I care about is surfing and literature..."

"Stop bullshitting!" Suigetsu complained, sitting down too and snatching the spoon from him. "Give me something fucking real, why don't you?"

Kisame took a deep breath. He wanted real? Fine. It was getting hard enough to keep it in anyway. "Okay, look," he said, his voice sounding harsher than he meant it to, "in a few months time, when you've had your fun and you're ready to move on, well, let's just say I don't want to go back to square one picking up pieces. I don't need any more emotional turmoil right now."

Suigetsu growled. "I'm not such a flaky little shit as that!"

"Few years, then? Even worse!" Kisame declared. He looked up and took the teaspoon back from Suigetsu just as he was about to gouge a chunk out of the tabletop with it. "Time for me to get really invested."

Suigetsu knew he must be looking sulky and petulant and not helping his cause in the least - maybe even tearing down everything he'd so carefully built up here - but there didn't seem to be any help for it. And no choice now but to go in with the emotional heavy-hitters. "So, you don't want me," he said flatly, trying really hard not to start crying. The massive well of emotion that he had about Kisame, and that he'd worked so hard to keep beneath the surface these last two weeks, was threatening to rise up and engulf him.

Kisame grabbed his hand across the table. "Of course I do. Christ, who wouldn't? And honestly kiddo, this has been amazing for me, you've helped me through a really dark time. But I don't want you to get hurt, so if keeping this casual isn't working for you then clearly you should call it a day."

Suigetsu didn't say anything, so he carried on, talking shit just to fill the charged silence, "I'll miss you like hell, obviously, but you've got to put yourself first now."

Suigetsu snorted. "Me first? None of this is actually about me though, is it? It's about you and what's convenient for you."

Then it was Kisame's turn not to say anything and Suigetsu started to get a horrible sinking feeling inside. He'd messed this up. The conversation hadn't been supposed to end up here. It was supposed to end up with Kisame calling Kakuzu and asking for a plus one. He looked over at him, appeal in his eyes.

"So you won't take me to Kakuzu's tonight?"

"No, kid."

He was grasping at straws now. "I, I could just stay here and wait for you to get back?"

"Stop it! This is crazy!" Kisame was almost laughing but almost choking up as well. "Kid, look, you're not the one who ought to be in this state-"

For a brief moment he did entertain the possibility though - could he leave Suigetsu here, excuse himself over the road as quickly as good manners would allow, and then... come home to him? Next morning, wake up to his sleeping face on the pillow beside him? Have that warm, lithe little body next to him all night long? Fuck, he wanted it so badly. But he pushed the thought away. That would mean doing this seriously, and he couldn't do serious again right now.

"You were the one saying, 'can't we just hook up again'," he said tiredly. "I told you it wouldn't work, didn't I?"

Suigetsu gave a frustrated little growl. "What are you scared of!" he shot at him, angry now. "What do you think I'm going to do to you?"

Kisame looked up, and the pain in Suigetsu's face made him more honest than he'd meant to be. "Make me fall in love," he admitted quietly.

For a moment Suigetsu seemed shocked into silence. "Wh-what's wrong with that?" he stammered finally. "Why do you think I'm still fucking here ? Why do you think I've fucking humiliated myself so many times over you? That's what you should be feeling! What the fuck's wrong with you?"

"Do I have to spell it out? I feel like I'm repeating myself! Because while I'd make you a nice little starter relationship, give it a few years, the seven year itch or whatever, and you'll leave me because you want to sow your wild oats; entirely reasonable - but it would break my heart."

"I..." Suigetsu seemed lost for words, for once. "How can you- You don't have any idea if that's how it would really go down..."

"But I do know that I won't risk it." Kisame stood up and put his hands on Suigetsu's shoulders. "I've wasted a decade of my life grieving over Itachi. I think I might finally be finding a way to get beyond it, and a lot of that is definitely thanks to you. But-"

But he didn't get a chance to say any more because Suigetsu pushed his hands off and walked away without another word.

Kisame watched him as if it was in slow motion, or underwater. Turning, grabbing his cute little cropped leather jacket from the back of his chair - and walking out on him, leaving him.

"Suigetsu!" he called after him, cut to the quick. "Hey, kiddo, wait! It doesn't have to be like this! Don't I even get a goodbye?"

"No!" Suigetsu turned back, eyes dark with rage, face twisted. "You just— you just get what I'm getting! For everything I've put into this. Just— just fucking nothing !"

It was the right thing, Kisame told himself, reeling in shock so much that he had to grip hard onto the corner of the tabletop. The right thing for both of them. Yes, the last two weeks had been amazing but it was too soon to throw himself into such an intense relationship, and Suigetsu was just way too young. So going after him now would only prolong the agony. He should go over to Kakuzu's, meet this mysterious person - get himself together. He looked at his watch. It was time to go, he was late now, actually.

But he didn't do that. He went out to his van, got into the back and lay down there on the mattress he used for long journeys and camping by the coast. It smelt comfortingly of sweat and outdoor gear. And after two or three minutes of trying not to cry, he grabbed the bottle of vodka that he'd stowed under the driver's seat after his last trip and proceeded to get himself quietly wasted.

---

If Kisame had been looking up he would've seen Hidan framed in Kakuzu's living room window, in nearly as desperate a state as he was himself after enduring ten minutes of Zabuza's company.

Kakuzu's first impression had been correct and the sight of Zabuza's trousers had rubbed Hidan up the wrong way from the word go. He couldn't stop looking at them either. "Hey man," he'd said without much warmth, eyes flicking distractedly between his legs and his face. "Get you a drink?"

And it had turned out Zabuza was the sort of guy to bring a £2.99 bottle of cat's piss to a party and then drink his host's 12-year-old whisky. Hidan poured him a measure on the rocks and then leant against the mantelpiece while Zabuza wandered around the room inspecting the artworks. He had an unpleasantly loping, rangy stride that made Hidan think of some kind of animal. One that ate carrion, probably.

"That's an Akasuna, isn't it?" he asked, pointing, glass in hand, above Hidan's head.

"Yeah," Hidan agreed shortly. He wasn't in the mood for this at all. In fact, he realised now, he'd been feeling like shit ever since Kakuzu had dumped him for a phone call on this very spot barely an hour ago.

"Is it you?" Zabuza asked bluntly, his grating voice breaking into Hidan's thoughts. Intrusive , thought Hidan. And in the light of what had happened to Sasori, fucking bad taste.

"I sat for it," he acknowledged, distinctly ungraciously. "It's not a portrait though," he added, dialling up the belligerence an extra notch. He turned towards the CD player and twitched the volume up a little. Then a little more. The party playlist he'd created in the afternoon suddenly didn't seem to fit the mood and he riffled moodily through Kakuzu's CD collection, even for a moment considering putting Sting's lute album on just to put everyone on a big downer.

But then there was another tread on the stairs, and he let it be. In another moment he was disgusted to find himself actually feeling relieved to see Kimimaro come into the room. He tried to remind himself that Kimimaro was a still massive douchebag, but it was just so nice not to be alone with Zabuza anymore that he accidentally greeted him like an old friend.

Two minutes later, however, all his misgivings were being vindicated.

"I mean, do you actually know how to mix a French 75, Hidan?" Kimimaro was saying doubtfully, having clearly deliberately asked for something complicated in order to stir up trouble.

"Only one way to find out, isn't there?" Hidan replied unhelpfully, grabbing a lemon half and impaling it on a large knife. His mind had gone blank and he had a nagging feeling he was missing an ingredient, but he wasn't about to admit that. He squeezed the lemon with rather more force than was necessary, letting the juice splash haphazardly into the mixing glass along with rather more gin that was probably customary - hopefully Kimimaro would soon get wasted and make a giant tit of himself.

"Well, you could just tell him what you're intending to put in it..." Zabuza pointed out lazily, nursing his whisky and chuckling to himself. "So he could say if that's what he wants..."

"Well, what do you fucking want in it?" Hidan fired at Kimimaro so aggressively that he was momentarily hesitant, then turned triumphantly back to Zabuzu. "See!" he said, slamming a little silver ice shovel into the compacted mass of ice cubes that he'd fucking told Kakuzu they would have if they tried to mix drinks up here. "He doesn't even fucking know what he wants!"

He rolled his eyes theatrically - and then finally remembered, the French 75 was a champagne cocktail. That brought the rest of it clicking into place. Sugar syrup. Iced glass. Lemon twist . He dropped the ice shovel back into the bucket. Trust Kimimaro to be the kind of pretentious demanding twat who'd ask for that sort of thing. But at least it was an excuse to escape to the kitchen and moan to Kakuzu for a bit. "I'll nip downstairs and get some fizz from the fridge, gentlemen ," he said sardonically, trying to step around Zabuza, "if you'll excuse me a moment..."

But what was this? Zabuza's hand was on his chest, blocking him, even pushing him back a little and his immediate response was to square up to him, hands curled into fists. "What the fuck-?" he began.

Zabuza just laughed. "Easy, tiger," he said, making Hidan even angrier. "Kim's brought some!"

Hidan looked at Kimimaro and registered the bottle of Bollinger in his hand that he'd probably been proffering all along. For some reason it made him angrier still, and Zabuza's hand on his chest made him want to break things. He felt himself colouring up; took the bottle in silence and turned away. The situation had already gone too far to laugh off and resentment choked him - why did people always have to be like this? What the fuck was wrong with just being nice?

He put the bottle on the table and shook up the rest of the ingredients with the ice as loudly as he could. Kimimaro and Zabuza were still right behind him, now talking as if he wasn't even there. He ripped the foil off the champagne and stole half a glance over his shoulder. Zabuza was wanging on about how anti-establishment he was, despite being desperate to get Kakuzu to invest in him again. It was disgusting. And his horrible blaring voice was giving him a headache.

Accidentally-on-purpose he pointed the champagne bottle in the direction of Zabuza's face as he let the cork fly. A yelp of pain and shock behind him let him know it had found its mark. "Ah, fucking hell mate, sorry," he exclaimed insincerely, catching the overflowing foam expertly in Kimimaro's glass. "Fucking clumsy of me!" He turned and handed Kimimaro his drink, his smirk turning uncontrollably into a broad grin at the sight of the angry red mark blooming on Zabuza's cheekbone.

He couldn't look at the pair of them anymore without actually laughing in their faces, so he tactfully went back over to the window to look out for more congenial guests. He was even considering throwing up the sash and yelling over the road to Kisame to hurry the fuck up. "Help yourself to ice for that," he called back to Zabuza, his 'helpful' tone underlaid with a distinct edge of don't fuck with me .

But it seemed his guests just didn't know when to leave him the fuck alone.

Gliding as though on wheels, Kimimaro appeared next to him. "So, what is it you do, actually, Hidan?" he asked, taking a delicate sip of his drink and tipping his head in grudging approval.

"Huh?" Hidan looked at him in surprise. That really wasn't something he got asked very much anymore. "I-"

Zabuza laughed loudly, inserting himself on his other side. "He expects you to know already!" he said conspiratorially across him to Kimimaro, who cackled gleefully and fixed Hidan with a marble-cold stare.

"I'm a ... life model-" Hidan began, but found himself cut off by Zabuza again. And although his light tone tried to conceal it he was clearly angry about the champagne cork - and out for Hidan's blood.

"Hidan, mate, I get that you want to put something in front of 'model', but that's stretching it a bit now, isn't it?"

Hidan bit his lip, feeling his briefly restored good humour draining away as quickly as it had come. He just couldn't think what to say to this prick. He wanted to punch him in the face. He wanted to punch both of them in the face. And if Zabuza called him 'mate' again, he was really fucking going to.

"Surely you've seen him on those 'Comme des Garçons' posters plastered all over the tube?" Zabuza asked Kimimaro. "Doing his best blue steel..." He contorted his face into a grotesque parody.

He'd take out Zabuza first, clearly, Hidan decided, retreating into comforting fantasy. Slam his disgusting face into the marble mantlepiece, and when he hit the ground kerb-stomp it onto that lovely Georgian cast-iron hearth surround. He'd have to cut Kimimaro off as he made a break for door because the fucker clearly wouldn't stand and fight. He'd probably be able to rugby-tackle him as he crossed the threshold though, and then he could drag him back until he was perfectly placed to repeatedly slam the door on his head until it caved in like a soft-boiled egg. He pictured the blood pooling out onto Kakuzu's polished floorboards, seeping down between them, Kimimaro's face draining of colour... It was a lovely image and he smiled a little as he swallowed the rest of his drink and went to mix another just for something to do.

"I can't say I've noticed any!" Kimimaro was claiming. "So, Hidan, you're from Southend, aren't you?" he called after him.

"I hadn't pegged you for a tabloid reader," Hidan shot back with a raised eyebrow. "But yeah. I've lived here since I was seventeen, though."

"Ouch, I think you touched a nerve there," Zabuza nudged him.

"Oh, you came here to study, then?" Kimimaro said sweetly. "Art school? Or did you take another path in?"

There was a nasty pause. "No," Hidan said. "I started working pretty much immediately..."

"Oh," Kimimaro said, frowning with exaggerated puzzlement. "Oh!" His face cleared. "You left school at sixteen! Right! Wow..."

"Ah, fuck off," Hidan said, not even bothering to hide his aggression anymore. "What've you got? A PhD in being a dick? Or is that just natural talent?"

Zabuza laughed loudly again - he clearly thrived on discord of any kind, no matter who was on the receiving end. But Kimimaro wasn't there for long. "Oh, don't be upset!" he added innocently, turning the knife in the wound. "No, I mean, university's not for everyone, is it?"

Hidan's hand tightened on the cocktail shaker. The cunt was clearly going to start talking about dustbin men and drain cleaners being a crucial part of society next and he was fucked if he was going to listen to that. He didn't reply, just poured his drink and went to look out of the window again. He wasn't yet wasted enough to give Kimimaro the satisfaction of seeing him rise to the bait a second time - but that at least was something he could change. He knocked back half his cocktail, relishing the burn of it, and did his best to zone him out. The doorbell rang but he didn't bother going to see who it was. The way things were going so far it would probably just be another prick waiting to dig his claws in.

---

A few minutes later Kakuzu was showing Killer Bee into the living room, but after the briefest of introductions Kimimaro was off again immediately.

"So we've established that Hidan doesn't have any A levels..." he said cattily. "Did you know that, Kakuzu?"

"If I'd thought about it," Kakuzu acknowledged, a bit taken aback. He glanced at Hidan - his back was turned to him as he mixed a drink, but just the set of his shoulder blades was enough to set alarm bells ringing. "Have you met Zabuza Momochi, Bee-" he said loudly, hoping to bury the subject in a round of introductions.

But, "isn't that a bit weird for you?" Kimimaro continued triumphantly, even louder, clearly on a roll here. "After all, you spent, what, twelve, thirteen years in higher education? What do you guys even talk about?"

"I don't tend to make those years a topic of conversation with anyone," Kakuzu said quellingly. He went over to Hidan, whose jaw was jutting dangerously, and, goodness, the wounded look in his eyes! He resisted the impulse to put his arm round him, wary of seeming overprotective - rising to Kim's bait would probably just make Hidan feel even more self-conscious. Instead, he just took the drink he was wordlessly holding out to him, giving him a light touch on the elbow as he did so. "Thanks babe," he said quietly. He hoped the look he gave him would say more but Hidan barely met his eye.

"Well you don't need qualifications to be a sexy motherfucka," Killer Bee said comfortably, patting Hidan on the shoulder and making him stumble slightly.

Kakuzu sighed, and said nothing. He appreciated Killer Bee's show of good nature but the last thing Hidan needed was to feel like that was all he could bring to the table... He thought he could see it in Hidan's face as well, but he seemed to be prepared to give Bee the benefit of the doubt. He watched him drain the rest of his drink and take hold of Bee by the upper arm. "Hey man, I'm fucking... awarding you the prestigious 'not a douchebag' award," he said loudly, and Kakuzu thought he could detect just a hint of a slur in his voice already. "Not much of a contest this year unfortunately!" He led him over to the drinks table. "Your prize is the cocktail of your choice, handmade obviously by a sexy motherfucker, but don't fucking try to catch me out by asking for a Horse's Bollocks or some shit, okay? I didn't go to university, so I won't know what it is."

Kakuzu couldn't help smiling into his perfect dry martini at that, but he could see that Hidan was well on his way to being completely off his face and the whole enterprise suddenly felt like the worst idea he could possibly have come up with. The doorbell rang again and he really really hoped it would be Kisame this time - Hidan clearly needed an ally. Looks aside, though, he couldn't imagine what had possessed him when he thought Kimimaro might be suitable boyfriend material for Kisame. Hidan had been perfectly right - Kim would drive him up the fucking wall.

But it was Karin on the doorstep. "I'm sorry I'm late," she said, proffering a tray of miniature creme brûlées. "I had a culinary disaster and these haven't set - please tell me you have a blowtorch because I couldn't finish them off like this! And then they melted even more on the tube! It's been such a hot day, or the atmospheric pressure or something, I don't know!"

Kakuzu laughed, partly in disbelief that anyone would travel on the tube with a tray of puddings. Why on earth hadn't she got a taxi? "Yes," he reassured her, "not a culinary one but I'm sure it'll do the job!" He took them out of her hands. "I'll put these in the fridge - I'm sure there's plenty of time for them to set. Run along upstairs and please keep Hidan happy for me for another five minutes!"

---

Karin didn't need to ask what Kakuzu meant - she could feel the tension as soon as she entered the room. She could see at once that Hidan was very far from happy. He came forward to meet her - he was still with it enough to play his part as host with a certain amount of aplomb - but there was a distinctly glazed look in his eyes already.

"Mm, you smell nice," he said, lifting her wrist to his nose appreciatively. "I'm getting notes of 'I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about', nicely balanced with an undercurrent of 'it's probably because I don't have a degree'..."

Karin looked from him to Kimimaro, who she vaguely knew because he used to be around City and Guilds all the time in her first year, to Zabuza (who she instantly felt wary of), then over to Killer Bee, who was tapping out a rhythm on top of the drinks cabinet and humming to himself, and wondered who had upset him so much already. She was slightly surprised not to see more guests already, and not to see anyone from the usual Akatsuki crowd. She'd been looking forward to meeting Konan again, and Zetsu, who'd been so nice to her after the funeral.

It struck her, looking around, that that night be what this was all about.Are they making some distance, she wondered. Do they want out? She wondered who else would be coming.

She leaned in. "You smell nice, too!" she said brightly and Hidan smiled. Clearly that made him feel a bit better - good. She could certainly feed his ego a bit if that was what Kakuzu needed from her.

"Thanks!" he said. "I didn't think anyone would even notice - seriously, Kakuzu calls it 'your aftershave' and seems to prefer it when I smell of sweat anyway..."

"Mm." She gave another appreciative sniff. "It's a Tom Ford one, isn't it?" Musky and citrus at the same time, with notes of sandalwood and amber in there, she recognised it...

"Grey Vetiver," Hidan agreed. He ran a hand through his perfect hair, flashed her a sultry smile.

"It's perfect for you," she said, smiling, wondering if he picked it just for the name. Despite the easy banter she found it hard to get a handle on him. She didn't seem to be able to get behind the facade, not at all like the camaraderie she seemed to have developed almost accidentally with Kakuzu. He was a closed book. She suddenly felt a little stab of anxiety.

Maybe he picked that up, because, "let's get you a drink," he said, a light touch to her elbow propelling her towards the drinks cabinet and Killer Bee, and in a few minutes she was holding something she was reasonably certain was wickedly strong. Don't have more than two of these, she told herself sternly. And make this one last as long as you can. Don't give him an excuse to top you up.

---

Kakuzu had just taken the rib of beef out of the oven to rest, and put the cheese soufflé in, when the doorbell rang again. This time it was both Yugito Nii and Mei Terumi on the doorstep, already in animated conversation. Kakuzu felt a slight pang of alarm. "I see you're already getting to know each other," he said guardedly.

"Oh yes, we're buddies now!" Mei said brightly. "Better watch out boys!" She leant forward, resting her fingertips on Kakuzu's forearm. "I've been so excited to meet you all that I managed to sneak out of my meeting a little early!"

"Hello darling." Yugito ground out a tiny black cigarette stub under an elegantly pointed toe and handed him a bottle of red wine. "How's that boy of yours?"

Kakuzu didn't know how to answer that, given Hidan's state when he'd last seen him. Women like this unnerved him slightly. But everything was under control in the kitchen now, so he accompanied them upstairs, making some non-committal reply. Hidan and Karin had come out on to the landing, and were leaning over the bannisters to see who had arrived - and he was relieved to see Hidan looking a little more cheerful.

"Darling!" Yugito flung her arms around Hidan and kissed him far too intimately for Kakuzu's liking, then held him a little away from her. "Oh, look at you!" She turned to Mei. "Look at him, Mei! Couldn't you just eat him?"

Mei surveyed Hidan with her head on one side. "Oh, I could," she agreed, a little too eagerly for Kakuzu's liking. "But I shouldn't imagine he's on the menu!"

Hidan smiled his most dazzling smile and let them bear him off between them to the living room. He didn't seem to have any shortage of things to say to them.

"Les femmes d'un certain age... " Kakuzu muttered to Karin as they fell in step behind them - rather resentfully, she thought - "have a real thing for Hidan. I suppose they want to mother him..."

Karin narrowed her eyes after them. Despite her reservations, she'd actually started having quite a lot of fun as Hidan's favourite guest, and now she supposed she'd have to find someone else to talk to. And not that Killer Bee guy - his habit of talking like a living 'Rupert' book had been driving her crazy for the last five minutes. Not to mention that she'd idolised Mei Terumi for years and to be completely blanked by her was gutting to say the least. Bitch , she thought. Really pulled the ladder up, didn't you?

As if she'd read her mind, Mei turned back and held out a hand. "Sorry, dear, I almost missed you there!" she said coolly. "Mei Terumi. Aren't you the little girl who outed Danzo Shimura? Good job."

The damage was done; Karin knew she'd never like this woman. 'Little girl' ?! She let Kakuzu do all the work of introducing her and although she knew that it would be a good career move to make Mei like her, she really wasn't trying very hard.

And then Mei started talking about Sasuke. 'Trouble', was her verdict. 'Self-interested'. Karin should disassociate herself from him. "He's taken it all too far," she pronounced. "Although he is absolutely gorgeous, I'll give you that. I wouldn't mind teaching him a thing or two! It makes me really quite sorry that we're going to have to put a stop to his little games..."

Karin pressed her lips together, her face whitening. "You horrible old hag, what's he ever done to you!" she whispered after her as Mei turned away. She started wishing more than ever that she'd never come. And again, pumping through her with every heartbeat, that agonising ache for Sasuke.

But she didn't have long to dwell on it. As soon as they got into the living room, the tension in the air suddenly rocketed sky high. Mei saw Zabuza and her eyes narrowed. Zabuza saw Mei and got abruptly out of the chair he'd been lounging in.

"What's this about, Kakuzu?" he said loudly. "Fucking hell, this bitch got me kicked out of Goldsmiths, and she still fucking wants my blood, and you fucking invite us to the same dinner party ? What the fuck, man?!"

Kimimaro started to laugh delightedly. "Kakuzuuuu!" he trilled. "What've you done?! Oh my God, you should've asked me to help you with the guest list! Didn't you realise these two are a total no-no?!"

Kakuzu looked from face to outraged face, and with a sinking feeling remembered Hidan saying 'the head of Goldsmiths? Really? ' as they'd planned this party. Had he known?

But worse was to come. Even as he looked over towards him Hidan was stepping forward, and in one fluid motion had punched Zabuza square in the face.

"Fucking ... out of order, man!" he said, looking down at him as he sprawled backwards onto the rug. "You need to fucking apologise! This lady is our guest and we didn't ask her here to be insulted by a fucking low-life like you!"

Zabuza's nose started bleeding heavily, but he ignored it and started to struggle to his feet. "Fuck off, Hidan," he snarled. "You sanctimonious prick! You don't know what happened, so fucking back off-"

"Bitch, please," Hidan drawled, flexing his knuckles. "Me, back off? Here?!"

Zabuza staggered towards Hidan and Hidan stepped forward threateningly, amid squeals of delight from the other guests. Kakuzu made a grab for him, but he was too quick. Dodging away from him, he grabbed Zabuza by the collar.

"Well? Are you going to apologise, or do I have to teach you some manners?" he spat.

"Fuck you, Hidan," Zabuza snarled, pushing him so hard in the chest that he lost his grip on him and staggered back against the doorframe. Killer Bee stepped up now and was trying to take a restraining arm to him, but Zabuza shrugged him violently off. He took a swing at Hidan, and Kakuzu grabbed at his elbow, taking about half the power out of it. Even so, his fist managed to connect with Hidan's jaw. At the same time Hidan - making no effort to block Zabuza's blow - punched him in the stomach instead, making him double over.

Kakuzu forced himself between them as Zabuza surged upright and tried to headbutt Hidan in the face. He held him at arm's length until he stopped struggling, then gave him a handkerchief and a very cold look. "Lay a finger on Hidan again and you won't find me so restrained," he said curtly. "And, as Hidan said, Mei is our guest. I suggest you make your peace with that, or leave."

Zabuza shrugged, breathing hard. "Fair enough," he said, tipping his head back and mopping up blood. "I guess I'd feel the same if it was Haku. Not that he'd need me to step in." He didn't seem much perturbed now. Violence seemed to come as naturally as breathing to him.

Killer Bee tactfully steered him away to sit down in an armchair on the other side of the room as Hidan caught up with his meaning. "Oi! You'd be on the fucking floor, man, if Kakuzu hadn't stepped in!"

Zabuza snorted with laughter. "Yeah, you wish, mate."

Kakuzu finally let himself look properly at Hidan, who was leaning slightly unsteadily against the doorframe and being fussed over by Mei and Yugito. His lip was bleeding and he had that crazed look in his eyes that made Kakuzu's stomach flip with desire even through his anger. He was still looking after Zabuza as though thinking of going after him again. Kakuzu took hold of him firmly by the upper arm, just in case. He could feel his chances of getting that Kakashi sketch slipping away, not to mention the degree show - he hadn't even had an opportunity to mention it to Zabuza yet, and now- This was turning into utter disaster.

"I'm so sorry, Mei," he said, drawing Hidan away from her. "I had no idea there was this bad blood between you and Zabuza..."

"Not at all, Kakuzu," Mei purred. "We actually run into each other all the time. Zabuza always reacts like this - like it's the first time we've seen each other since it all happened - he is honestly such a drama queen." She turned a dazzling smile on Hidan. "I just don't always have a knight in shining armour to punch his teeth in for me!"

"Oh, please don't encourage him!" Kakuzu got a firmer hold on Hidan as Mei started stroking his arm, and pulled him away from her onto the landing. "Hidan, come down to the kitchen and get some ice on that. Now."

Calling over his shoulder to the rest of the party that supper would be served imminently and they should all go and sit down in the dining room and help themselves to wine, he urged Hidan away down the stairs. "What the hell are you doing?!" he expostulated under his breath. "We're supposed to be making connections with these people, not-"

"Yeah well he can fuck right off!" Hidan cut in angrily, not bothering to lower his voice. "For fuck's sake, what a fucking cunt!"

Kakuzu let out a growl of irritation and half dragged Hidan the rest of the way along the hall. "Can't you keep it down?" he hissed. "What're you trying to do, start a riot?" He pushed him into the kitchen and shut the door firmly behind them.

"Did you know?" he asked, trying hard to keep his voice neutral, "about Zabuza and Mei?"

He regretted the question almost immediately.

"No, I fucking didn't know, Kakuzu, I can't fucking believe you'd even- that you're even asking me that! Fucking hell!"

"Alright, calm down - I asked, okay? I wasn't accusing-"

"Asking is accusing," Hidan stormed, incoherent with wounded rage. "It's an accusation that I- of me being enough of a dick that I'd even- that you think I'd do something like that! Jesus !"

"It manifestly isn't !" Kakuzu was seriously irritated now, and he turned around to get some ice out of the freezer to try and mask it. "Asking is just asking. Look, either way, we need to repair the damage-"

"Well, why don't you just fucking show Zabuza the door then?! He's a total fucking tool and he's been a dick to me all evening."

Kakuzu straightened up and gave him a level stare. "Yes, I didn't really think it was the Lady Mei's honour that was the prime mover in your little tantrum back there-'

"Oh fuck off," Hidan cut in. "She loved it."

"No-one's denying that," Kakuzu said, arching an eyebrow. "And quite honestly I think I've had enough of her paws all over you!" As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted it - he must have had more to drink than he realised. A slow grin was already spreading over Hidan's face.

"Aw, babe, don't be jealous," he cooed spitefully. "So that's what all this is about. God, how controlling do you want to be ?!"

"No, it isn't," Kakuzu said shortly. He put the ice in a clean tea towel and bashed it savagely with the marble rolling pin. "And stop smiling, you're making yourself bleed more. The fact is, I can't ask Zabuza to leave yet - he owns an artwork I'd very much like to acquire and-"

"Whose?" Hidan asked immediately.

"It's a Hatake Kakashi sketch." Immediately Kakuzu wished he hadn't mentioned it and found himself wanting to hedge it around with qualifications. "Owning something of his could be important leverage right now, and—"

Hidan's face darkened. "You're so fucking obsessed with him," he said sulkily. "You don't want his shitty sketch for leverage, you want it to fucking wank over because you fancy him."

"Well, who's being controlling now?" Kakuzu asked dryly, deliberately not addressing Hidan's main point and suppressing his own guilty feelings on the matter. "More importantly, Zabuza knows Naruto Uzumaki and I want him to buy up the boy's work for me." He advanced on him with his makeshift ice-pack, trapping him against the kitchen table so that he could apply it. Hidan was less than cooperative. Kakuzu forced him to look up with a hand under his chin that made him wince. "Let me see that."

It wasn't too bad - a split in the bottom lip, and mostly on the inside - Zabuza's fist must have caught it against Hidan's left canine. Lucky it had cushioned the blow to his tooth, really. Kakuzu gave it an experimental wobble, and it didn't move. Hidan, however, took the opportunity to lick his fingertip, and then bite it - not that lightly, either - and suddenly Kakuzu was acutely aware of how closely he was pressed against him; he could feel the first stirrings of being unmanageably turned on. He shifted back a bit. He couldn't let this happen now. The soufflé would be ready at any moment!

"Keep it on," he ordered, taking his hand away and putting Hidan's over the ice pack, not meeting his eye. "I'm not looking at you all evening with that thing swelling up like a balloon."

"Fine, whatever," Hidan said sulkily. He took over holding it and moved away from Kakuzu, towards the door. "I'm going back upstairs if you're gonna be like that."

"You do that," Kakuzu called after him. "And get everyone sitting down, supper's nearly ready."

He was slightly worried that this small rejection - plus the unfortunate mention of Kakashi - might prompt Hidan to dive into the nearest unoccupied room and open a vein. However, he decided he could afford to take a moment and do some deep breathing. But just like earlier, before he was anywhere near calm, the jangle of the doorbell broke into his thoughts, followed by an insistent hammering - and there, finally, was Kisame. Almost an hour late and so wasted he had to hold on to the doorframe to stay upright. It was the final straw for Kakuzu's mood.

"Kisame!" He looked at him with a sinking heart. "What on earth?" He snatched at his arm as Kisame's nerveless fingers slid down the brickwork and just succeeded in catching him by the armpit. "Come on," he said, hoicking him upright and resigning himself to the fact that he'd have to walk him back across the road and probably deposit him in his bed too, "Maybe it's best if you call it a night now, hm? Seems like you've partied quite enough for one evening..."

Kisame proved uncooperative. "N-nah, it s'alrigh' maan," he slurred, gripping tightly onto the railings as Kakuzu tried to manoeuvre him down the steps. "I don' wanna let you down... after you wen' ta so much trouble an' all..."

Kakuzu wished Hidan was still down here to deal with him. He was a lot better at this kind of thing altogether. "Kisame," he said sternly. "You're drunk. I'm not introducing you to anyone like this. You'll thank me for it in the morning!"

"Nah, really, man, I'll be alrigh' when I've eaten something..." Kisame protested. And as if on cue the kitchen timer went off. Kakuzu glanced hectically back into the hall. "Damn it," he muttered under his breath. Hidan clearly wasn't going to emerge and do anything about it. What in heaven's name could have persuaded him that a soufflé was a good idea? - he couldn't leave it!

So he let go of Kisame and hurried into the kitchen. He was aware of Kisame following him in, but, fuck it, what would happen would happen. Maybe he'd vomit on Zabuza's hideous trousers and make Hidan's night.

---

Kisame wasn't exactly bad at holding it all together when wasted. But it had felt like quite a large effort to find his way out of the van and get himself across the road. Kakuzu's doorbell hadn't seemed to be quite in the normal place either, and Kakuzu himself being so strangely insistent he go home to bed was certainly disturbing. But he'd managed to shake him off, and he was proud of himself for remembering that the living room was upstairs, even if the bannisters did feel a bit like they were moving under his hand.

Everyone seemed to be on the landing when he rounded the turn of the stairs, filing out of the living room and into the dining room.

"Ohhhh, fucking hell, K-man, what's going on?!" Hidan greeted him with alacrity. He flung an arm around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. He smelt of blood and cologne. "I've been waiting for you, motherfucker, where've you been?"

Kisame began a rambling explanation, but Hidan was clearly beyond concentrating on shit like that and launched into a round of introductions instead.

"This is Cunty McCuntface, who you know," he began, gesturing towards Zabuza, who sloped into the dining room snarling, "is this a fucking Goldsmiths reunion?" but otherwise ignoring Kisame completely.

Hidan continued, smirking wider, "And here we have Screaming Lord Bitch-Features, who I believe you have the pleasure of never having met before-"

"Kim," Screaming Lord Bitch-Features said wearily, extending a languid hand to Kisame. "Darling Hidan is a little the worse for wear already, I'm afraid."

He was good looking, for sure. Kisame felt reasonably certain that this was Kakuzu's 'maybe pleasure' guy. If this had been a month ago he'd definitely have been trying it on with him. But now he found he didn't even want to know. Not remotely interested. And suddenly, like getting a second wind, he didn't feel quite so wasted anymore, either. He draped an arm around Hidan, though even that didn't turn him on the way it normally would. "C'mon, darling , are you going to fix me a drink, then?" he asked, forcing a grin. He felt a hollowness inside that only more booze could possibly fill.

Hidan gave him a sideways grin. "What do you want then?" he said. "I've got some blue Curaçao somewhere, I could make you a Blue Lagoon."

"That sounds pretty damn fancy," Kisame agreed.

"Darling, I am pretty damn fancy!" Hidan led him into the deserted living room and began to fix them both another drink, fully aware of Kakuzu trying to urge them into the dining room while holding the soufflé, but ostentatiously ignoring him. They joined the others, loud, late and obnoxious, and bringing the vodka with them.

---

Kakuzu surveyed the table with a cold impatience that was all too familiar, but more reminiscent of his dealings with previous boyfriends than with Hidan. His guests had clearly been hungry, as they'd polished off their first two courses in barely half an hour. They'd also got through indecent quantities of wine. The creme brûlées weren't blowtorched yet, but could he leave them for long enough to do that? Without food to take the edge off they were going to be at each other's throats again within minutes.

Down the other end of the table, Hidan was slumped with his head on his folded arms and was only talking to Kisame. Kisame was relentlessly ignoring both Killer Bee and Kimimaru. There was an icy coldness between Mei and Zabuza. Added to that, Kim was really starting to irritate him. He'd already deliberately upset Hidan for no discernable reason and now that Kakuzu's promise of an introduction to an interesting guy had turned out to be an utterly inebriated Kisame, the gloves were off. It was catty remark after catty remark. Plus more mention of Orochimaru than Kakuzu cared for, once Kim had realised Karin knew him. And poor Karin, stranded between Kim and Zabuza looked, for once, completely out of her depth. The only positive relationship in the room seemed to be brewing between Mei and Killer Bee, who seemed to have taken a shine to each other. Although Bee did seem to be addressing himself mainly to her chest. And to add to Kakuzu's discomfort, they were deep in discussion about the whole Konan/Jiraiya scandal.

He'd really allowed himself to think that this mix might provide a few much needed new friendships for Hidan, and he was now faced with questioning his own sanity as well as the complete failure of his endeavours. It was going to be next to impossible to fulfil his obligations towards the Akatsuki Group without either managing to acquire Naruto Uzumaki's degree show or bringing Killer Bee into the fold, and he didn't see how how he was going to do either from here. And as for cutting ties with Akatsuki - was that even a realistic prospect when they really didn't seem to even like anyone else? Certainly if Hidan was going to behave like this, they stood no chance at all.

His thoughts were interrupted by Kisame exclaiming loudly that he needed to go outside and 'smell the bougainvillea', prompting a scramble among the other smokers for coats and handbags before what seemed like half the table made a beeline for the french windows and vanished onto the balcony. And as Hidan raised his head from the table to see where everyone was going and met his eye, Kakuzu found he'd had enough. He headed outside as well, letting his eyes slide away from Hidan's without acknowledgement. He needed not to be thinking about him, and there was no way Hidan would follow him into a fug of nicotine. Maybe he'd get a chance to have that conversation with Zabuza.

---

Karin, left as the only thing separating Hidan and Kimimaru, gave a kind of yelp and muttered something about checking on the dessert. Then she stiffened her resolve and realised that she couldn't possibly leave them together - Kakuzu had trusted her. Then she had an idea. And it wasn't until the words were already out of her mouth that she realised it might not have been such a masterstroke after all:

"Hidan, can you show me where Kakuzu keeps his blowtorch?"

---

It really wasn't a culinary one. It was a massive, fuck-off, paint-stripping, pipe soldering one. Hidan found it easily in Kakuzu's tool store next to the downstairs toilet. Karin didn't really look as though she wanted to wield it very much, and Hidan was totally happy about that. He wasn't planning on giving it up anyway. He carried it through to the kitchen and attached it to a propane cylinder, then fired it up with a roaring hiss.

"Alright, where are these little motherfuckers then?"

"Hidan, maybe I'd better-" Karin began, but Hidan brushed aside her objections. He adjusted the flame to make it bigger. It was the most fun he'd had all evening.

Karin clearly couldn't think of a polite way to say no. She put the tray on the table, and Hidan blackened the first one into oblivion. "Ah, shit, sorry," he said. "I'll have that one."

Karin sounded slightly hysterical. "Hidan, it's basically carbon now, I don't think anyone should have that one!"

Then the smoke alarm started going off. Hidan decided to ignore it. He reduced the flame again and he thought he was actually doing quite a good job of the rest of them - one or two were a little on the dark side, sure, but he was getting the hang of it - when Kakuzu appeared at the french windows with Zabuza by his side.

Hidan looked up. Zabuza. Something clicked in his brain, seeing him next to Kakuzu. Hatake Kakashi. The sketch. Had they been talking about it in the garden? He'd meant it as a dubious joke earlier but now… Was this why Kakuzu had been so strange and distant with him all evening, he wondered? Kakuzu had let this guy punch him in the face and get away with it over getting a stupid sketch? He thought of that day Kakashi had brought him home, when he'd known, just known, that Kakuzu's attention had roved away from him. The thought of Kakuzu wanting someone else, however briefly, hit him like a physical blow. He stopped concentrating on what he was doing. His world seemed to suddenly spin out of control. He was aware of a sharp pain in his left hand, then everything became a kind of blur.

"Hidan! Hidan look at me!" Now the room was spinning back into focus and Kakuzu was standing over him. He seemed to have his head on the draining board. His hand was pulsing hot and cold, hot and cold. Then he realised it was submerged in cold water and the rushing sound filling his ears was the tap running. In the periphery of his vision he could see Zabuza packing away the blowtorch. Karin was hovering, white as a sheet, her hands at her mouth. He started to put two and two together, and began to burn with shame as well.

"I'm ok," he protested, tried to get upright, and vomited into the sink.

---

Kakuzu got rid of Zabuza and Karin by telling them to go and put the blowtorch away. Then he pulled over one of the kitchen chairs and sat Hidan in it. Hidan felt a bit clearer-headed now, but utterly exhausted. He rested his head on the edge of the work surface and looked up at Kakuzu as he scooped sick out of the plughole with a dessert spoon.

"Sorry, babe," he croaked out. His throat felt like sandpaper.

Kakuzu sighed. "It's ok," he said wearily. He passed him a glass of water. Hidan sipped it gratefully, and watched Kakuzu parcelling up the sick in newspaper.

"Maybe we can send that to Zabuza," he suggested darkly. "This is all his fucking fault."

I'm going to go and put it in the dustbin," Kakuzu said with exaggerated patience. "Stay there. And keep your hand in the water."

Kakuzu seemed to take a long time. Hidan started to feel a little better, physically anyway, and he ate one of the creme bruleés. It was nice, if a bit runny - it soothed his throat a bit. Then he got out his rosary and started to offer the pain of his burnt hand to Jashin.

Kakuzu came back while he was still doing it. Hidan knew it irritated him, but to be honest it seemed like everything he did irritated Kakuzu today. He looked up at him, needily hoping for some sign that he was … forgiven? Still loved? He didn't even know. But Kakuzu just inspected his hand and then let him take it out of the water. "You're very lucky, Hidan," he said sternly. "I thought we might have to go to A&E."

"What, with you and Kim here?" Hidan said derisively. "I thought you were educated enough to fix anything."

"Hm?" Kakuzu looked surprised. "Well, we don't really have the wherewithal to…" He broke off, looking quizzically at Hidan. "Puncture wounds I am prepared for," he said finally. "Burns, not so much. Should I be? Is this some new form of devotion?"

"It was an accident," Hidan muttered.

"Good," Kakuzu said shortly. He levered Hidan out of his chair. "I'm putting you to bed."

Hidan didn't resist. He let Kakuzu steer him up two flights of stairs, pausing at the bathroom to obediently brush his teeth; let him help him out of his shoes and trousers, accepted the water and nurofen he gave him, and leant back against the pillows feeling like maybe he'd actually lucked out here. He could hear the buzz of talk from the garden through the open window and felt absolutely no desire at all to be back with the party. And it was in the back of his mind that if Kakuzu would do this for him, then it was OK, they'd be OK.

But then Kakuzu was moving away, his hand withdrawing, a kiss on the forehead, a smoothing of his hair. The room started spinning again. "Well, I'd better get back downstairs," he began.

"No! Wait!" Hidan grabbed his arm and pulled him back against him. Suddenly he felt like he could say anything, it didn't matter, as long as it kept Kakuzu with him a moment longer. Everything started tumbling out of his mouth at once, his doubts and insecurities, the way Zabuza and Kimimaro had made him feel, how Kakuzu hadn't seemed to even care about it, hadn't looked at him, hadn't defended him. How none of them would ever like him or give him a chance, and there was no point in trying.

Kakuzu sighed, and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Kim got you this worked up? Oh come on, he's just having a dig - you know what he's like."

"Yeah, a dick!" Hidan muttered sulkily.

"Pay him no attention, he'll get tired of it. You play into his hands rising to it every time... no wonder he can't resist!"

"Oh so it's my fault now?!"

"A bit." Kakuzu was unrepentant. "Stop being such a snowflake! What does his opinion matter to you anyway?"

Hidan looked up at his infuriatingly reasonable face resentfully. "It's not his opinion I care about," he said. He wanted to add, it's yours, but he didn't go that far, because he didn't want to be called a snowflake again, or have Kakuzu tell him that, yes, he was a bit lacking on the academic side. And now, suddenly, Kakuzu was laughing at him too. Feeling himself flushing hotly, he made to turn away but found himself grabbed instead.

"You know, Kim's half right," Kakuzu chuckled. "You really haven't been using your brain at all this evening, have you? But if he thinks university is the lacking element I'm afraid he'd be sorely mistaken." He kissed Hidan hard, pushing him back against the pillows, "You idiot," he whispered. "Do you think I give a rat's arse how long you spent in school? Christ!"

Hidan felt relief wash over him, but something still niggled. "You've barely looked at me all evening, though," he protested once he'd got his breath back. "How was I supposed to feel?"

"Idiot..." Kakuzu murmured again. "Like I'd fuck your brains out as soon as look at you! Which I could hardly do in front of our guests. It's been torture all evening."

"What about this afternoon then?" Hidan persisted. There was still something that didn't add up. "You weren't into it. Even before the phone rang."

He hadn't planned to say it, but as the words came out of his mouth he felt the truth of them. He saw the confirmation in Kakuzu's eyes as well, which slid away from his own.

"Okay," Kakuzu said, after a moment's silence. "Okay. I haven't been feeling good about what happened, you know, at your show." He shifted himself up onto the bed next to Hidan and lay down, looking up at the ceiling.

"I just keep thinking of the state I got you into." He turned his head so he was looking at Hidan directly again. "It happened then, and - I don't know - maybe it brought on some kind of panic attack, because I actually felt physically terrible. I felt better after a few minutes though. I don't know why I didn't just tell you, but it seemed easier to … pretend it wasn't happening, I suppose."

He rolled over so that he was half on top of Hidan and took him into his arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered against his neck, hiding his face from him. "I'm sorry I made you feel like I didn't want you. I want you more than anything. And I'm sorry I didn't punch Zabuza's lights out - even though you did start it, love. I'll go down and do it now if you want me to."

But Hidan had his hand halfway into his trousers by then. "No. Fucking stay with me," he murmured, undoing Kakuzu's shirt buttons. Slowly, Kakuzu looked up at him again, and this time the need to be forgiven was in his eyes. Hidan - entirely non-verbally - let him know that he was, leaving no room for uncertainty about it. And although they hadn't come to any conclusions or solved any of their problems, that sickening feeling of something wrong between them was gone.

---

And so it was that when things really kicked off outside, neither host was available either to fan or fight the flames…

"I'm sorry," Kisame said to Killer Bee in a dangerously smooth voice, rising from his wicker-work garden chair and grinding the stub of his cigarette underfoot. "Did you say a British Blue Longhair ? A stray, you say? And yet would you say she's in beautiful condition? Clearly groomed daily? Perhaps just a little on the heavy side? A fucking stray ?! Are you serious, man?"

"Yeah, man, that's the one! Have you seen her around?"

"That's my cat," Kisame interrupted sharply. He swore under his breath. "Do you want to know how much I've spent trying to figure out why she's suddenly been putting on so much weight? I thought she had a fucking thyroid condition! She's had blood tests, she's been wormed, she's on a special diet! Fuck!"

"Chill out, man, no need to get in such a fuss; all of this aggression over one little puss!"

"She's fucking microchipped!" Kisame howled. "There's no fucking excuse!"

A small voice somewhere in the back of his head did tell him he might be overreacting, but there didn't seem any way back down now, and the whole force of the grief and frustration and confusion he'd been feeling ever since Suigetsu left came crashing down to be taken out on Bee. He was vaguely aware of the avid excitement of the other guests, of Yugito saying to Bee, "well, honestly sweetheart, if someone did that with Tabi I have to tell you I'd be feeling pretty mad too!"

"But Mrs Pusskins loves to visit, and it isn't hurting you!" Killer Bee protested. "Tell me what she needs and I can give it to her too!"

"Mrs Pusskins?" Kisame repeated, aghast. "This isn't happening!" He took a deep breath. "Samehada," he emphasised. "Is my cat. And she's a pedigree, with a registered name - Daito Samehada, if you want to know."

"Ooh!" Yugito cut in - possibly trying to calm things down. "Do you show her? I show Tabi. His full name is Nibi Matatabi, he's won his category twice at Birmingham - he's a Bengal..."

Kisame ignored her - Samehada had never had the right disposition for shows, actually. "She's valuable," he growled at Killer Bee. "Mrs Pusskins!" He spat the ridiculous name at him. "Fuck! You're basically stealing her! You're committing a crime!"

"Man... I'm feeding a cat; there's nothing wrong with that!"

"You're out of line!"

No, man, you're out of line!" Killer Bee roared. Finally he was getting angry too, enough to stop it with the fucking rhyming, and Kisame burned with miserable satisfaction. "You know what - Mrs Pusskins was sleeping in my kitchen when I left. She walked in of her own accord, and she was happy! We've formed a bond! This isn't all about you!"

"We'll fucking see about this!" Kisame howled. "I fucking own her, and you're going to need to give her back right fucking now!"

---

Upstairs, Kakuzu lifted his head and peered doubtfully out of the bedroom window into the now dark garden. "Are you hearing what I'm hearing?" he asked Hidan.

"Mrs Pusskins…?" Hidan asked. "Yeah..."

"I wondered if I might be having some kind of aural hallucination..."

"Nah..." Hidan shrugged his t-shirt back down. "Seems like our guests of honour aren't getting on too well..."

Kakuzu sighed. "I think I just want to stay here for the rest of the evening..." he said heavily, letting his head droop back onto the pillow. But at the bang of the side gate and another blast of shouting from below he struggled to his feet. "I'm going to have to try and sort this out."

Hidan reached for his dressing gown but Kakuzu pushed him back against the pillows. "You stay here, love," he said wearily. "I don't want you mixed up in this."

He got up, slowly, walked across the room - then stopped, hand on the door knob. He leant his head against the panels. Hidan heard a front door slam across the road; Kisame and Killer Bee's raised voices were coming from the street now.

"Hidan, I-" Kakuzu's voice was strange, fainter than usual.

Hidan couldn't have said afterwards what gave him such a strange sense of urgency, but he knew immediately that something was badly wrong. He hurled himself out of bed towards Kakuzu as he turned around. His face had drained to a greyish pallor, his hand clutched at his chest. "I'm... not feeling too good," he said, and he collapsed into Hidan's outstretched arms.

Hidan staggered under his weight; he had to muster all his strength to lower him gently down onto the rug. He felt like he was going to fall through the floor, the room was spinning again, his heart was hammering, he felt like screaming.

"Fuck! Fuck!" he found himself gasping. "What do I do? What do I do?"

There was a sheen of sweat across Kakuzu's face now but he was still conscious. "Call ... an ambulance, Hidan," he said breathlessly. "Tell them … heart attack."

---

Suigetsu sat on the bench at the viewpoint until the light faded. He thought about going home, but didn't. He thought about calling Jugo or Sasuke, but he didn't do that either. His anger at being compared to Itachi and the non-relationship he'd had with Kisame slowly started to fade as well, but it wasn't replaced with the misery he'd been expecting. 'Make me fall in love'. He replayed Kisame's words in his head over and over again. Itachi had never loved Kisame. And now Kisame didn't know what to do with love when it was offered to him. And it suddenly struck him - Kisame needed him. Whether he wanted it or not, he needed him and he was going to be there.

He leapt up off the bench and set off for the footpath. He was stiff and colder than he'd realised and broke into a jog to warm himself up. Suddenly he felt an urgency. Kisame hadn't been behaving with his normal self possession as all. He was clearly rattled and, what if something's happened, he thought, stomach twisting. What if he likes this guy he's meeting? I missed my cue. I thought it was rejection but maybe it was my first real opening...

No sooner had he dodged through the little gap in the fence at the end of the road than he knew something was up. But it wasn't the something he'd been mentally preparing for. He could hear raised voices and as he strode determinedly down the middle of the road he saw a gaggle of people on Kakuzu and Hidan's steps ogling into the street, some of them even still holding wine glasses, obviously having a whale of a time. And in the street, there was Kisame - huge, imposing and fucking furious, trying to force his cat into a pet carrier. Samehama was caterwauling and flailing all her limbs, all claws bared. Opposite him, Killer Bee was shouting that he was being an idiot, that this wasn't necessary, that he going to hurt her. Kisame grimly ignored him. Samehada twisted all the way round and managed to scratch Kisame deeply enough that he loosened his grip - then sprang away from him and streaked under a car. Kisame and Killer Bee stared at each other for a moment, then suddenly went for each other. In seconds they were both on the ground.

Suigetsu sucked in his breath. The two of them were fucking juggernauts, he'd be steamrollered if he tried to intervene. But in any case Kisame seemed to be getting the better of it. He was struggling to his feet now. Suigetsu thought that might be the end of it, that he'd walk away from it now while Bee was still on his knees, but no, he'd grabbed him by the throat and was pulling him up too. Fist drawn back, he was about to deliver the kind of punch that could probably kill a smaller guy, and Suigetsu winced in horrified anticipation. Then a grey streak shot out from the kerb and suddenly Samehada was clawing Kisame's leg until the blood ran.

The next moment Kisame had kicked her viciously across the street. Then he stared after her in horror. "Look what you made me do!" he bellowed at Killer Bee, who had taken the opportunity to stagger away from him. And then they were at each other again. Now Kisame wasn't holding anything back and it was brutal. There were screams from the spectators - out on the pavement now - Suigetsu could see Yugito on her phone and wondered if she was calling the police. He started to run and tried to shout out to Kisame to stop, but he wasn't sure if he made any sound, his throat was so dry and the thudding noise of their punches and their grunts and gasps of effort and pain were so loud in his ears.

Then Killer Bee was on the ground again. Kisame dived on top of him and, without hesitation, landed that punch he hadn't had the chance to finish before. Blood splattered onto the tarmac, and there was a soft crunching sound that was utterly horrific. But before he could get in another one, three figures rounded the corner from Tanza Road and joined in the fray. A big guy - a lot like Killer Bee - had flung Kisame off him. Then he and the other two all set on Kisame together

"No!" Suigetsu shouted, and started forward. Kisame was on the ground now but they weren't stopping. God, they'd kill him! He recognised Zabuza Momochi in the group of spectators and screamed to him to help Kisame, but Zabuza shook his head, and just walked away in the direction of the tube. He could see Karin silhouetted on the top step still, next to Kimimaro, and they turned and ran into the house, maybe to get Hidan and Kakuzu - where were they? - but it would be too late.

Without even thinking he threw himself into the melee and took on the smaller of the guys, but he couldn't even get anywhere near Kisame and the other two. He felt a dizzying blow to the side of his head, doubled up as a fist caught him in the stomach and without really knowing how it happened he was thrown back against the side of Kisame's van, his head spinning, his legs not seeming to want to obey him anymore. He flung an arm over the wing mirror to hold himself up and watched in a kind of horrified slow motion as the big guy's booted foot connected with Kisame's head, and Kisame fell back limp against the tarmac.

Yugito strode out from the kerb and touched the big guy on the arm before he had time to draw his foot back again. He turned his head to listen to her, and Suigetsu saw in the light from Kakuzu's hall that it was the Raikage, Bee's brother and current head of the London College of Fashion. Tears of pain and frustration blurred his vision as he watched, helpless, as they urged Bee up from where he'd slumped against the wheel of Kakuzu's BMW, watched Bee turn back and scoop a now-docile Samehada into his arms.

Staggered under Bee's weight, they headed for the corner. Yugito and Mei went with them. Suigetsu unhooked himself from the wing mirror and let himself slide slowly to the ground. He was still seeing stars and he felt like he'd vomit if he tried to get up, but he dragged himself across what felt like acres of hot tarmac until he finally collided with the dark heap that was Kisame.

He collapsed onto his chest, breathing hard. He could smell blood and sweat. He could also feel Kisame's heart pounding and nearly cried with relief. He got Kisame's face between his hands, then cradled his head in his arms. Blood was trickling from his mouth and his eyes were closed. "Kisame!" he said, over and over. "Fucking hell Kisame look at me!"

And suddenly Kisame's bloodied mouth split into a weak attempt at his usual grin; his eyes opened a slit. "Hey kid," he said hoarsely. One hand came up and brushed his throbbing temple. "You get in the way of something meant for me?" he asked. He gave a wry laugh that turned into a cough, and winced. "You shouldn't've… I can take a hell of a lot more punishment than that."

He looked around the now-dark street. "Did they take Samehada?" he asked.

Suigetsu turned an almost-sob into a growl. "Yes!" he snapped. "You fucking idiot! Was that seriously all over your fucking cat? For real?"

Kisame laugh-coughed again and pushed Suigetsu gently off his chest. "Get off, kiddo, I think I've cracked a rib or two," he murmured. "Ah… I don't know. Maybe. She was a ... catalyst…!" He giggled at his own dumb joke, then groaned. "I was just angry, kid. And drunk. And feeling sad and stupid and guilty. So I picked a fight." He sighed. "She'll be back, I guess, she always is."

He tried to lever himself off the ground but fell back against Suigetsu, breathing hard, then turned his head to look up into his face. "Anyway," he said quietly, "you came back..."

Suigetsu nodded.

"Which is … really more important." Kisame almost whispered the words. He hesitated. "Does this mean," he began. "Are we...? I mean… is this-" he closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "Is this something you still want a part of?"

Suigetsu nodded again. "I'm really not that flaky," he whispered back, then sniffed hard and tried to make his voice go back to normal. "So," he said, as casually as he could, which was still distinctly shaky. "Whatcha doing for the next seven years…?"

Kisame gave a sheepish grin. "Laying the groundwork for the biggest heartbreak of my life, I guess," he said.

"You betcha!" Suigetsu agreed. "And I'll be having myself a nice little starter relationship. And then we'll see." And suddenly he couldn't stop smiling, even though his head was still pounding.

---

Neither of them had the headspace to wonder why Kakuzu and Hidan hadn't come out to help them, but an ambulance pulled up a minute later and nearly ran them over. One of the paramedics glanced at Kisame and Suigetsu and radioed for a second ambulance before running through Kakuzu's open front door after his partner.

Kisame struggled up onto one elbow to peer between the cars. "What happened…? he asked.

---

A/N: So, it's been a long time! But I'm back. And I can promise you won't have such a long wait for the next chapter - I'm determined to finish this now! (And I know I can't leave you all on this cliffhanger too long!) Thanks to everyone who's kept reading this, and please review, as it honestly spurs me on a lot :D