Chapter 187
Tegan wordlessly stared out of the window of the car as it transported her to her friend's memorial service a few days later. It was an uncharacteristically cool and overcast day in LA. "You okay sweetie?" asked Lindsey and squeezed her hand. Tegan just nodded and smiled half-heartedly to put Lindsey's mind at ease.
Tegan made sure she arrived just on time to avoid any small talk before the memorial. Sara and Kate waited alone outside for her and hugged her tight. "It's going to be okay Tee… we're here for you" said Sara. "Uh huh… Let's go" said Tegan and walked into the packed room holding Lindsey's hand, not looking left or right in a desperate attempt to contain her emotions. She sat down in the second row next to Erin, leaving the first row empty. Tegan looked up and saw the simple wooden casket in the corner of her eye with a large framed photo of a smiling Jeremy next to it. Erin put her hand on Tegan's thigh and patted it. Tegan cleared her throat to get rid of the stinging thickness already present. She folded her arms and put her hand in front of her mouth. Sonia leaned over from behind her and squeezed her shoulder. Tegan wished that they would all just leave her alone. Every supportive touch just brought her closer to breaking down instead of comforting her.
The service was beautiful. Exactly as Tegan requested it to go. There were so many tributes from Jeremy's many friends including tributes by Sara, Erin, Ted and Sonia. Tegan was in tears for most of it. "Lastly we're going to hear from Jeremy's best friend Tegan" said the man leading the service. Tegan blew her nose and took a deep breath. "Look at me if it gets too much" whispered Lindsey and squeezed Tegan's hand. Tegan walked up to the podium and looked at the large crowd of acquaintances, friends and family. Jeremy was obviously loved by many.
Tegan cleared her throat and swallowed hard. She looked up. "Thank you all for coming…" she said softly and took a deep breath. "Jeremy was more than a friend… he was a brother. We met when we were thirteen. We were both awkward, confused teenagers. The first day I met Jer I knew that we would be friends forever… we just clicked. We understood each other... so, so well. We loved each other… we even dated… we thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together… that didn't quite work out" said Tegan and smiled sadly. "Well…. It did and it didn't. We may not have married and gotten the white picket fence and stuff… but I think we helped each other find ourselves… our true selves. I knew that through anything…. Jeremy would stick by me… that gave me courage. And we were always integrally involved in each other's lives. We were always brutally honest with each other. I appreciated that. Jeremy... Jeremy was…." said Tegan and took a deep breath. Tears were pooling in her already bloodshot eyes and she swiftly wiped them with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry" said Tegan, her voice shaking.
Tegan looked down wordlessly, clenching the podium trying to find words. She picked up the water bottle in front of her with a shaky hand and took a sip. "Jeremy was such a beautiful soul. Kind, generous, caring, loyal… brave…. Jeremy was good… he was just a really good guy. So easy to love" said Tegan now in full on tears. "Jeremy loved life… he lived every day to the fullest. I know… Jeremy wouldn't want us to cry… he would want us to celebrate his life…. But it's so hard not to cry for this incredibly devastating loss" said Tegan, now completely overcome with grief. She felt her airways start to close up more and wheezed slightly. She looked over at Sara and Kate. Sara was in tears. Kate had her arm around Sara and looked worried about Tegan. She motioned for Tegan to use her inhaler. "Excuse me" said Tegan and turned around. She took her inhaler out of her pocket and inhaled through her sobs. She wiped her eyes with a hanky and took another puff. She felt her airways open up appreciatively. She took a few deep breaths and felt all eyes in the room on her back. She turned around looking pale. "Words cannot express how I feel today…. Just know that…. I love you Jeremy… I'll always love you… and I'll miss you every single day… Every time I look at my beautiful babies… our…. Our beautiful babies… I'll see you…. I have nothing but love for you… Rest in peace my friend" said Tegan softly and walked away from the podium. She sat down at the piano, shoulders shaking. A song started playing over the speakers and photos of Jeremy started showing on the screen. Tegan didn't look, she just had her head in her hands. Sara got up and walked to Tegan. All eyes were on the screen and it allowed Tegan a few minutes to compose herself. "You sure you want to do this?" asked Sara sitting down next to Tegan. "Yeah" whispered Tegan. She looked horrible. Her eyes were now swollen and red, her face pale.
When the song and slideshow stopped everybody in the room that hadn't yet been in tears now was. "I wrote you a song Jer… it's all I have to give… to say thank you… for the amazing friend you are" said Tegan into the microphone. "Sara's going to help me get through this one… because I'm a wimp" said Tegan. Sara patted her shoulder. She closed her eyes for a few seconds before she started playing the intro to the song. Her voice broke as she started singing. .
"When the grey skies turn to blue
And the dark clouds blow away
In the morning of a new life
When the sun comes shining through
When the grey skies turn to blue
In the morning of a new life
When the sun comes shining through
When the grey skies turn to blue"
Sara pretty much carried Tegan for the first two verses but then Tegan belted it out although her voice was still shaking:
"Meet me on a bright and windy day
When the breeze has blown the grey skies far away
High upon a hillside when the sun comes shining through
And the grey skies turn to blue
When the grey skies turn to blue
When the grey skies turn to blue"
Tegan stopped playing and stared out in front of her as the people applauded. She didn't want applause for this… She stifled her sobs and got up. She looked at the floor and sat down next to Lindsey. She put her head on her shoulder and sobs started wrecking her body. She let out a loud, unintentional wail as the guy leading the service in front spoke a few final words. "It's okay… it's okay, I've got you" whispered Lindsey holding Tegan tight. Erin held Tegan's hand. Tegan felt like vomiting. She put both her hands over her face and sobbed as the guy in front called the pallbearers forward.
Tegan, Sara, Ted, Alex, Sonia, Bruce and two other of his close friends walked forward. Tears would not stop streaming down Tegan's face as she put her hand around the cold, metal handle of the simple wooden casket. The world seemed amplified suddenly and Tegan felt scared and strangely alone although she was everything but. The funeral director gave the word and the group lifted casket. Tegan felt the throbbing pain in her side turn into a stabbing one. Bruce put his hand on her shoulder after seeing her flinch. "We'll carry the weight sweetheart, just put your hand on it" said Tegan's stepdad. Tegan did as instructed and felt some relief. She walked in front and felt so exposed, vulnerable as if the entire room was staring at her, which they were. The rest of Tegan's closest friends and family started walking out, following the casket.
They reached the car and Tegan stopped in front of it hearse that would take Jeremy's body to be cremated in the building next door. Tegan's hanky was in the pocket on the side now carrying the casket. Mucus was now running from Tegan's nose and she wiped it away with the back of her free hand, looking down. Erin handed Tegan a tissue and she nodded appreciatively. The casket was placed on a trolley in front of the hearse's open doors. Tegan turned to Lindsey who handed her 4 large white roses and Jeremy's favourite Calgary flames hockey jersey. The roses were from Tegan, Lindsey, Casey and Ryan. Tegan put it on the coffin. "Love you Jer" she whispered with her hand on the casket and turned around.
Tegan walked away from the gathering crowd all waiting to say their final goodbyes. She pursed her lips and let out a deep breath balling her cheeks as she put her hands behind her head. She suddenly jogged around the corner of the building and started vomiting against the wall. "It's okay Tee… It's okay" said Sara and Lindsey holding her. "I'm okay… just give me a minute" said Tegan. Neither Sara nor Lindsey moved. "I said give me a minute please" said Tegan loudly. Kate handed Tegan a bottle of water and led an emotional Sara and Lindsey away. Tegan rinsed her mouth and paced up and down trying to compose herself. "For fuck sakes Tegan… pull yourself together" Tegan scolded herself loudly.
Lindsey wanted to walk back to Tegan but Sara held her back. "Just give her a few minutes" said Sara. Tegan was doubled over now with her hands on her knees. She stood like that for a few minutes before sinking down onto her bum against the wall. She sat against the wall looking at her feet. Sara walked up to her and sat down next to her without a word. Sara respected the silence. She put her arm around her sister in silence. Tegan put her head on Sara's shoulder as her sobs slowly subsided. The rest of the crowd was led away to enjoy refreshments under the trees on the other side of the building. Kate and Lindsey waited around the corner in silence.
"Thank you Sara" said Tegan softly. "And thank you Tegan" said Sara and gave Tegan's shoulder another squeeze. "We should get up" said Tegan. "Take your time Tee… there's no rush" said Sara. "I'm okay… let's go" said Tegan and got up with some difficulty. "Fuck…. My bum's wet" said Sara as she got up. Tegan put her hands on her own bum and started laughing. "Mine too". The twins were hysterically laughing and Kate and Lindsey came around the corner looking puzzled. "You okay?" asked Lindsey. "Yeah" said Tegan, her face falling again. Tegan put her arm around her wife and started strolling towards the rest of the mourners. "You did well today Boo… Jer would have been proud" said Lindsey.
Tegan made small talk with a few guests. Everybody shared their favourite memories of Jeremy and Tegan felt a bit more peaceful than earlier. She was finally not sobbing anymore. An hour later most of the mourners were leaving and Tegan wandered around the beautiful garden alone, her hands in her suit pockets, deep in thought. "Miss Quin" she heard behind her. She turned around and saw a pretty blonde girl in front of her. "Hi" she said trying to place the girl. "Call me Tegan" she said. "Hi, I'm Jennifer" said the girl. "Nice to meet you… or… sorry do I know you from somewhere? You look so familiar" said Tegan frowning. She was usually very good with faces. Sometimes remembering fans she met ten years ago.
The girl looked extremely nervous, it looked as if she'd been crying. "No, I don't think so" she said. "Oh" said Tegan frowning. "I just wanted to say…. That I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss" said the girl, close to tears. "Thank you" said Tegan. There was a short, awkward silence. "Did you know Jeremy well?" asked Tegan. "No… not really. I met him a few times and…. Um…. Tegan… I need to tell you something" said the girl. Tegan felt her pulse quicken and looked at the girl suspiciously. "I'm Jonathan's sister" said the girl. Tegan stepped back instinctively looking horrified. "What are you doing here…. Why are you here?" asked Tegan. "I'm here on behalf of my family. We're so incredibly sorry, we're sorry… Jonathan…. We… if I knew… I wish I could have done something to stop him… I'm so sorry" said the girl, now in tears. Tegan didn't know what to say, she crossed her arms defensively.
"Tegan? Everything okay?" asked Sara walking up to Tegan. "No" said Tegan looking at the girl. "I'm sorry Tegan, I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry for intruding" said the girl and started walking away. Sara gave Tegan a questioning look. "It's... it's Jonathan's sister" said Tegan. "Oh" said Sara sounding surprised. "Can't believe her nerve... coming here" said Tegan looking pissed. "What did she want?" asked Sara. "To apologise on behalf of her coward brother... and her family" said Tegan. "Tee... she didn't kill Jeremy... it's obvious she feels horrible... this must have taken a lot of guts" said Sara after some contemplation. Tegan clenched her jaw and shook her head. She watched the girl walk across the lawn with her shoulders slumped and her head bowed. "She lost a brother too Tegan" said Sara.
Tegan stared at the girl for a few seconds and then started jogging after her. "Jennifer... Jennifer! Wait up!" she shouted. The girl stopped and turned around slowly. Tegan reached her out of breath, her side throbbing again. "I'm sorry for my reaction... You kind of caught me off guard... Thank you for coming... This must have been really hard" said Tegan. "I'm sorry Tegan" said the girl and burst into tears again. "Hey, it's okay... shhh" said Tegan and put her hand on the girl's shoulder. "I wish I could have done something... I think Jon was sick... he needed help... I didn't realise that... but I know he loved Jeremy, he adored him. He wanted to start a family with him" said Jessica. "Yeah he really wanted to... so much that he stole my kids to do so" said Tegan. "I don't know what more to say... I'm sorry" said the girl. "Apology accepted... Although it's not yours to make... I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for what he did" said Tegan honestly. "I'm wondering if I will... but I still love him" said Jessica with a sad smile. "I'm sorry... for your loss" said Tegan looking down. "Thank you... and thank you for hearing me out" said Jessica. Tegan nodded. "Here's my number if you need me come remove Jonathan's stuff from the apartment" said Jessica. "That would be good thanks. I don't want to box it up myself if I don't have to" said Tegan. "Okay, I'm going to go now. Thanks Tegan... and again... I'm so, so sorry for your loss" said Jessica.
Tegan stared at the girl as she walked to her car. Sara put her hand on her shoulder. "I'm proud of you" she said. "I'm not proud of me" said Tegan and started walking towards the rest of the gang. "Tee, we were thinking of going to the beach at sunset to have a drink on Jeremy" said Lindsey when Tegan reached them. "Okay" said Tegan sounding distracted. "Miss Quin" said a voice behind her. Tegan turned around. The funeral director stood in front of her holding a simple wooden urn. "I take it you would like the ashes" he said. Tegan started breathing faster, struggling to contain her emotions. "Yes please" she said softly and took the urn with shaking hands. Tegan wrapped her arms around it. "I want to go home now" she said and started walking towards the car. "See you guys around six" said Lindsey and followed Tegan.
The ride home was quiet. Tegan's eyes felt like fire from all the crying and she closed them and put her head back. As soon as they got home Tegan walked to the kids room. Amy, their usual babysitter was playing with the kids on the carpet. Tegan awkwardly looked down at the urn in her hands, she turned around and put it down on the dining room table before returning to the kids' room. "Hey monkeys" she said and sat down next to the kids. "Hi Tegan. You okay?" asked Amy, genuinely concerned. "I'm fine thanks" said Tegan and smiled. Her red, swollen eyes told another story though. The kids were all over her in a few seconds and she laughed for the first time that day. "Thanks Amy, you can go" said Tegan. "Sure, glad I could help out" said Amy and left. Tegan played with the kids for an hour before putting them down for a nap. She was glad to have a distraction. She walked out to find Lindsey.
"Linds" she called softly. "In here Tee" said Lindsey from the spare room. Tegan found Lindsey sitting on the bed, folding Jeremy's shirts that were still lying in a pile on the floor. "Don't do that, I'll do it" said Tegan. "It's fine Boo... happy to do it" smiled Lindsey. Tegan became upset again. "I said I'd do it Lindsey... just... leave it! Don't touch his stuff" said Tegan loudly. Lindsey looked up at Tegan looking shocked. "I'm sorry Tegan... I didn't mean to upset you" said Lindsey. Tegan just sat down on the bed with her head in her hand. She took one of the shirts on Lindsey's lap and held it to her nose. "It still smells like him" said Tegan sadly. "I'm going to give you some privacy. Shout if you need me" said Lindsey and got up. Tegan grabbed her hand "Boo... sorry... I didn't mean to yell... you were just trying to help" said Tegan softly. Lindsey kissed her on her forehead. "No problem... you should try and get some rest this afternoon before we go to the beach" said Lindsey. "I really don't feel like going" said Tegan. "I'm sure you don't, but I have a feeling you'll be happy you did" said Lindsey. "You think?" said Tegan. "Let's say goodbye to him our way. Let's all have a drink to celebrate his life. This morning was beautiful... but it was sad... we need to share the funny stories... to laugh... and if need be to cry some more. Just us..." said Lindsey. Tegan nodded.
Tegan started violently ripping the sheets off the bed when Lindsey left and threw them in a pile on the floor. She walked to the dresser and started putting his razor, his aftershave and shower gel back into his toiletry bag. Her eye caught something in the corner. She froze and looked at it for a few seconds breathing fast. A small box sat wrapped neatly on top of an envelope. Tegan picked it up. She looked at the envelope. Her name was on it, in Jeremy's neat handwriting. Tegan plonked down on the bed with the box and envelope in her hands. She suddenly saw Jeremy's face in front of her. "I got you a gift Tee" he mumbled in his dying moments. Tegan had somehow forgotten that. She stared at it, unsure if she wanted to open it. She took a few deep breaths and opened the envelope carefully. She pulled out a handwritten note and started reading.
"My dearest Tegan. It's record release day! Holy shit I'm so fucking proud of you! You've come a long way baby! To be honest, when you were in that hospital bed I wondered if you'd ever sing again... I'm ashamed to admit that. I'm ashamed because I should have known better. I should have known that you would fight, get up, no matter how difficult it would be... and that you would be back... better than ever. This album is a masterpiece, your best work yet in my humble opinion. And I'm sure it's just the start. I'm 100% sure that your next album will be even better, that you will continue to go from strength to strength... because that's the way you roll. And I'll always be there, waiting in the wings, watching from side stage, bursting with pride. I'm so proud to call you my friend. This is just something small to remind you to always keep moving forward, reaching higher... past the stars... because you are one, a super star. Well there's that and you know I love the arrow symbol, it's my star sign after all... Sagitarius (ha ha). Go get 'em! You're going to be great. All my love, always. Jeremy" Tegan read the letter through her stifled sobs. She read it again and stared at the box in her hands. She finally opened it carefully. Inside she found a platinum necklace with an arrow and a platinum ring, an arrow that goes around your finger. Tegan let out a large sob and put the ring on her finger, it fit perfectly. She smiled and gave a shuddering sigh. She fell back onto the bed, turned on her side and stared at the ring on her finger, then at the necklace in her hand. "Keep moving forward hey Jer" she whispered. "Okay... I'll try" she mumbled. The emotions of the day left her completely drained and she felt her eyelids go droopy. She tried to force them open but exhaustion finally overcame her and she fell into a deep sleep.
A couple of hours later she woke up groggily. Lindsey had since covered her in a fluffy blanket. She looked at the ring and necklace again and read the note yet again. "Thank you Jer, I'm proud to call you my friend too" she whispered. She got up a few minutes later and found Lindsey playing with the kids outside. The sun had since made it's appearance once again and it turned out to be a beautiful afternoon. "Hey sweetie, you have a good nap?" asked Lindsey. "Yes thanks" said Tegan and handed Lindsey the letter. Lindsey got up and walked away before reading it. Tegan saw her shoulders shake. She turned around a few minutes later. "It's beautiful Tegan. I'm so happy you found this" she said sniffing. "So am I" smiled Tegan. "You guys ready for the beach?" asked Tegan. The kids were already tugging on her hands. "I take that as a yes" laughed Tegan.
"To Jeremy" said Tegan holding up a glass of Jeremy's favourite red wine. "To Jeremy" everybody repeated. Tegan watched her kids play in the sand with their cousin Amelia and their friend Leah. Their secret beach was almost deserted and the sun hung low over the horizon, it's rays dancing on the water. The late afternoon turned out to contain lots of laughs as Tegan and Sara told stories about Jeremy. Stories from their schooldays and many tours. Most of them were funny and for the first time in days Tegan laughed out of her tummy. "We'll miss you Jer" smiled Tegan.
A/N: I know, this was a horrible, sad chapter. I didn't want to write it but I couldn't let Jeremy go without a memorial service. It would have felt wrong. Happy it's over though. If you don't know that song (When the grey skies turn to blue), please, please check it out on Youtube. It's by Chris Rea.
Sorry for the serious lack of updates during the last few weeks. Hope I didn't lose too many readers in the process. Think I needed the break from writing though. But I'm back now! Please remember to pop me a review so I know you're still with me!