Chapter 189
A month later
Tegan sat the pool lounger staring at her two kids playing on the lawn chewing on her finger nail. She spent every waking moment she could with them. She had a sudden irrational but very real fear of losing those close to her. She got up and checked the safety net on the pool again. "Okay… that's tight" she mumbled. "No no Ryan, don't put that in your mouth" she yelled as Ryan picked up a hand full of dirt from a flower bed and moved it towards his mouth. "Tee relax, it's just a bit of dirt" said Lindsey. She was slightly annoyed with Tegan's weird behavior by now. "I'm going to get us some ice tea" said Lindsey and walked into the house. Tegan gave her a quick glance and picked up Ryan and put him back on the lawn. "Stay there now" she said. The next moment Casey was chasing the neighbour's cat across the lawn. "Casey no… the cat can hurt you… no! Don't want you to get hurt sweetie pie" said Tegan and yanked her up.
Lindsey watched Tegan through the kitchen window. She was worried about her. Tegan had been very distant since Jeremy's death more than a month ago. She didn't sleep or eat well and was losing weight. At first she spent days alone in Jeremy's apartment. She refused any offers of help from anybody close to her. It was obvious that she didn't take all that time to pack the place up and Sara found her lying on the couch staring at the ceiling a few times. Another time Lindsey found Tegan franticly scrubbing the blood stain on the carpet. She eventually stopped and completely broke down before going into a complete tizz to get rid of the carpet altogether. Sara, Kate and Lindsey all suggested that Tegan speak to Violet but Tegan insisted that she was okay. Sara was starting push now to get a new album launch date out of Tegan but Tegan just changed the subject completely or left the room when the conversation came up.
The doorbell rang and Lindsey went to open the door. "Hey Sar" said Lindsey and gave Sara a quick hug. "Hey honeybun" she said and kissed Amelia on the cheek. "Does Tegan know I'm coming?" asked Sara. "No" said Lindsey. "Should have guessed, otherwise she would find some creative way to avoid me again" said Sara. "I don't know Sar… in the beginning I was defending her, we all were. But you're right… we need to get her out of this rut. I'm worried about her" said Lindsey. "Yeah, me too" said Sara looking out of the window at her sister sitting on the lawn staring into space. "This is starting to affect our relationship… She's so distant with me. We don't fight, we just… I don't know she just seems… numb… off in her own world all the time. The only time she's even close to herself is when she's with the kids. They're like her shield or something" said Lindsey. "Personal question I know but… are you having sex?" asked Sara. "We're… well…. Not neeeearly as much as in the past and when we do I feel as if Tegan's just doing it because she feels obliged… She always feels a million miles away. It's not how I know her Sar" said Lindsey.
"Hey look who dropped by" said Lindsey walking outside with the tray of drinks. Tegan didn't look super excited to see Sara. "Hey Sar" she mumbled. "What you guys doing?" said Sara putting Amelia down on the picnic blanket. "Baking a cake… what does it look like we're doing" said Tegan sarcastically. She was obviously in one of her moods today. Sara took a deep breath and bit her bottom lip to keep from snapping at Tegan. "Tegan…" said Lindsey sounding disappointed. They sat for a while talking about this and that before Sara carefully approached the subject again. "So… have you given any thought to when we can launch the album?" she asked. "Here we go again" said Tegan and rolled her eyes. "What's the problem Tegan?" said Sara. "There's no problem" said Tegan. "Then why won't you commit to a date?" said Sara. "I'm…. dammit Sara… just…. Can you just give me some space please" said Tegan and got up, she walked into the house. "It's probably better that we have this talk away from the kids anyway" said Sara to Lindsey and followed Tegan inside.
"Tegan… don't walk away from me again" said Sara entering the living room. Tegan sat down on the couch and threw her head back. "Tee I don't want to push you… but I need to know that you're still with me. I need to know this is going to happen. Tegan I'm putting out fires as far as I I'm going… the record label… distributers…. Everybody's putting major pressure on us… or let me rephrase that, on me…. It's fucking mayhem out there and you're playing with your kids in the garden… in your own private little bubble pretending that the outside world doesn't exist" said Sara loudly. "Stop being so damn dramatic… It will happen okay… I'm still with you. Of course I'm still with you" said Tegan.
"Then give me a date" said Sara. Tegan felt her pulse start to race and her airways close up at the mere thought. "Um… I'm…. not ready yet" she mumbled. "Tegan… I know you're struggling but life goes on!" said Sara. Tegan looked away and shook her head. "You told me to take my time…. Well…. I'm not ready yet okay!" shouted Tegan with her hands in the air. "Tegan stop avoiding the rest of your life!" shouted Sara. "I'm not! … I…. I… Sara… I'm sorry…. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing" said Tegan taking out the inhaler from her pocket. She shook it and took a deep puff. "Tee… it's okay… It's just that…" said Sara seeming calming down a bit. "Sara I don't think I can do it… I… it's…. it's just… I can't do it okay" said Tegan, now seemingly on the verge of a panic attack. She took another puff from her inhaler. "Tegan… just calm down… breathe…. That's it… nice deep breaths Tee" said Sara trying to calm her sister down. Tegan took a few deep breaths and sat back down.
"Where's this sudden lack of confidence coming from. You know you're singing better than ever… you're doing well physically" said Sara. "I... Sar… I feel anxious all the time… I feel sad… I feel scared… I feel like I'm drowning…. the only time I feel okay is when I'm with the kids. People fucking freak me out right now. I don't know if I can put on a happy face and launch a fucking album… I can't do it. I'm not that good of an actress" said Tegan. "Tee... you need to see a professional... you're depressed, it's okay, they can help you. You need some trauma counseling. This has been so traumatic for you.. Let them give you some medication to help you" said Sara. "No... no, I don't want depression meds... I'm not depressed. I'm fine... I'm just... sad" said Tegan. "Tegan... please, I'm begging you... go see Violet" begged Sara.
"Sar... I know you just care, but please... just give me a bit of time... I'll be okay, I'm working through it" said Tegan. "Tee... you're not fine" said Sara. "I am... I just... I miss him… I can't do this without him" said Tegan close to tears. Sara sighed loudly and shook her head. Tears started rolling down Tegan's cheeks. "Why not Tegan?" asked Sara. "Because… because he… he… organised everything for us… he told us where to go when… he…" said Tegan with her hands in the air. "He babied us" said Sara. "Well… for a lack of a better word" said Tegan. "So, we'll get somebody else to do the job" said Sara. "I'm not ready" she said. "I agree… it's quite obvious that you're far from ready emotionally. You worked so hard to get over your illness and you did it and now… this thing… it just punched you back down" said Sara. "Sar… I don't know what to do… I don't know what to do" said Tegan walking around with her hands in her hair. "We'll figure it out Tee… Come on… calm down now, we'll figure it out okay…. We always do" said Sara and hugged Tegan. She could feel Tegan's heart racing in her chest as she hugged her. "I'm sorry I pushed you… just calm down now" said Sara softly. "Help me Sara" said Tegan in tears.
"Okay… here's the thing… we need an intervention" said Sara a few minutes later. "Oh please" said Tegan and rolled her eyes. "You asked me to help you. If you don't want to go see a professional, I'm going to get you through this" said Sara. "Go on" said Tegan looking suspicious. "Pack your bag, we're going to Canada" said Sara. "Huh" said Tegan. "Tomorrow… we're flying to Canada… we're taking Jer with us" said Sara pointing at the urn standing in the corner. "I don't get it" said Tegan. "We're going to the cabin and we're going to let Jeremy go. I wouldn't want my ashes to sit in your living room forever… Let's take him to the mountains and set him free Tegan" said Sara. Tegan was becoming emotional. "I… I don't know" she mumbled. "Tegan… it's not Jeremy… it's ash" said Sara. Tegan put her hand in front of her mouth, her face contracted with pain. "Then… We're taking a couple of days and we're doing a strategy session for Tegan and Sara. We're going to think this through… we're going to plan… we're going to chart it… plot it… I'm taking highlighters and post its" said Sara. "You're such a nerd" said Tegan, finally cracking a smile. "Once we're done we're going to Vancouver to say hi to the parental units because they'd never forgive us if we're in Canada and we don't" said Sara. "Uh huh" grunted Tegan. "And then… we're picking up my inherited convertible in Vancouver and we're driving back to LA" said Sara. Tegan was quiet for a minute, trying to contemplate the plan.
"I don't know" said Tegan. "Come on Tee… it will be fun. Road trip! Just like old times… You need some fun" said Sara. "I'll talk to Lindsey about it" said Tegan. "I've already run it past Lindsey, she's okay with it. In fact, she's encouraging it" said Sara. "But she has a big shoot coming up and the kids have one of those well kid exams and the next round of their vaccinations scheduled for next week" said Tegan. "Yeah Kate can do it" said Sara. "What, in Canada?" asked Tegan. "No Tee, I don't think you understand. Lindsey, Kate and the kids aren't coming, it's just you and me" said Sara. "No no no… I'm not going anywhere without them" said Tegan immediately and jumped up shaking her head. "Tegan… come on" said Sara. "What about Amelia… you're just going to leave her here?" said Tegan. "Jeez Tegan it's not as if I'm leaving her home alone with a few tins of spaghetti! I'm going to leave her with her other mother" said Sara. "I'm sure Kate has to work" said Sara. "Yes she does but she'll leave her with Erin or with the babysitter or with day care at the hospital…. She'll make a plan, said she'll cut some hours" said Sara. "So she's okay with it?" asked Tegan. "Yeah… she's fine with it" said Sara. "I don't know" said Tegan. "Please Tegan" said Sara. "I've never been away from the kids Sar" said Tegan. "Neither have I" said Sara. "I guess…. I… I have to leave them sometime" said Tegan.
"I don't want to go" said Tegan looking at the floor. "I'm not giving you a choice" said Sara. "Sara please don't make me go… please. Feels like I'm 12 and you're fucking forcing me to go to camp" complained Tegan. "Tegan, It's either this or Violet and the depression meds. You can do this… It's just one short trip… I know you're paranoid about just about everybody you love right now… but you have to do this… you need to get over this" said Sara. "I know" whispered Tegan. "Tegan… change is hard… even positive change. I know you're scared of what's on the other side but you have to move forward now" said Sara softly with her hand on Tegan's back. Tegan looked down at the arrow around her finger and started turning it. She remembered Jeremy's letter. "Okay… I'll go" said Tegan. "Good girl" said Sara and sighed with relief. "I'll book our tickets for tomorrow morning" said Sara. "Can't we wait a few days?" said Tegan. "No Tee… we need to do it now" said Sara. Tegan nodded. "How's your wound feeling?" asked Sara. "It's fine, no problem. Pretty much healed completely" said Tegan. "Kate can come over this afternoon to give you a once over, make sure you're okay to travel" said Sara. "I'm fine… there's nothing wrong with me" said Tegan. "Let's just make sure" said Sara. "Whatever… I'm going to play with my kids while I can" said Tegan and walked outside. "Monkeys!" she shouted and picked up Casey to put her on the swing set.
"How'd it go?" Lindsey asked Sara. "It was like pulling teeth but yeah… she eventually agreed. Let's hope she doesn't change her mind by morning" said Sara. "You sure about this Sara?" asked Lindsey. "Yeah… I need you to trust me on this Linds" said Sara. "I do Sara… I do, but please… just… just take care of her…. She's fragile right now" said Lindsey becoming teary. "I am going to take excellent care of her. She's going to be just fine okay" said Sara.
After putting the kids to bed that night Tegan was lying on the couch watching TV. "Hey lazy bones, let's get you packed for your trip" said Lindsey. "I'll do it tomorrow" mumbled Tegan. "You're leaving for the airport at 8 and you know what mayhem this house can be early morning" said Lindsey. "Jeez you sound pretty desperate to get rid of me" yelled Tegan sitting up. "I'm not desperate to get rid of you... I'm desperate to get my wife back... to get the old Tegan back" shouted Lindsey. "Yeah well... maybe she's gone for good" yelled Tegan. Lindsey walked up to Tegan and put her arms around her. "She's not gone... baby... you're going to get through this. I know you will" whispered Lindsey.
Tegan burst into tears. "Why did he have to die... I was supposed to die... That bullet was meant for me. Why did he have to do that" sobbed Tegan. "Maybe it wasn't your time Tegan. Maybe he loved you so much that he just acted on instinct. You know you would have done the same thing for him... for Sara... Erin... for me... Don't feel guilty about this Tegan... you don not have to feel guilty" said Lindsey as Tegan sobbed into her shoulder. "I do" said Tegan. "I know... but you know what... I'm so incredibly grateful to him, for saving you. Your kids have their mommy. And I have you... the love of my life... my everything" said Lindsey softly and touched Tegan's face. Tegan stayed quiet. "You have to move on Boo... your kids need your beautiful, happy, smiling face... I need your laughter. Your fans need your music. He gave you a gift... such an incredible gift. Use it! We love you so much. Please... just try" said Lindsey. "I want to get better. I know... Jer would want me to let it go... I'll try... I promise" whispered Tegan still in Lindsey's arms. "I'm going to miss you guys so much" whimpered Tegan. "You can call us every five minutes okay" said Lindsey laughing. "Oh I will" said Tegan pulling away. She took Lindsey's hand. "Help me pack? I always forget something" said Tegan with a sad smile.
A/N: Poor Tegan. Serious case of survivors guilt. Let's hope this trip gets her out of her rut so they can launch this album! Thanks for the reviews (although you guys always seem reluctant to review the smutty chapters ;) Please keep sending feedback, it keeps me motivated to write!