Chapter 190
Tegan woke up at the crack of dawn after only a few hours of restless sleep. She quietly snuck out of bed and sat down on the chair between Casey and Ryan's cribs. She watched her gorgeous babies sleep. "How's it possible to love something this much" she whispered in awe. A couple of minutes later Casey started stirring. She looked quite happy that she didn't have to cry to get somebody's attention like she had to most mornings. She was in Tegan's arms in no time and was giggling as Tegan changed her diaper and whispered funny things to her. "Hey cutie! Where's my little sweetie pie" said Tegan. "Mommy pie" smiled Casey. "You're so clever… and so beautiful, yes you are! Who's the smartest girl in the world?" cooed Tegan. "Casey" said Casey in her babyish language. "That's right! Mommy's going to miss you so much… are you going to be good for mommy Lindsey?" cooed Tegan. She picked up Casey's little feet and kissed them. "Look at these little skittle toes… little sweeties" she said and pretended to eat them. This sent Casey into a fit of laughter. Tegan was laughing at Casey laughing out of her belly.
"Morning you two" said Lindsey walking into the room. "Hey mom" said Tegan smiling. Lindsey gave her a kiss on the lips before kissing Casey still lying on the changing table. Ryan sat up in his crib looking groggy. His hair was standing in all directions and he started moaning. "Morning big guy" said Tegan and picked Ryan up. Ryan was a bit more moody early mornings than Casey and still looked half asleep. He rubbed his eyes and yawned as Tegan changed his diaper. "Hey cranky" smiled Tegan and tickled him to get him to smile. "I don't know how I'm going to do this Linds" said Tegan. "Do what Tee" said Lindsey. "Leave them here… leave you here. I don't wanna go" said Tegan. "You'll be back before you know it Boo" said Lindsey. "Are you gonna be okay alone?" said Tegan. "Sure Teegs… We're going to be just fine. Erin said she'd take them on the days I have a shoot and Ted offered to babysit. We're going to be fine baby" said Lindsey. "I'm going to ask Ted to sleep over" said Tegan. "It's not necessary Tegan" said Lindsey. "It would make me feel more at ease" said Tegan. "Okay… but let me remind you that we doubled security in the last month" said Lindsey. "I don't care… I want somebody here with you" said Tegan. "As you wish Tegan" sighed Lindsey. "Linds… I… I wanted to…" said Tegan a minute later before being interrupted by Ryan's screaming. "Okay big guy… heeeeey hang on. Alright, I'll get you some breakfast" said Tegan. "You like eating almost as much as your mom… used to" said Lindsey. Tegan just looked away and carried Ryan to the kitchen.
Tegan was feeding the twins when Lindsey put a plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of Tegan. "Breakfast is served" she said. "Thank you" said Tegan but didn't touch her breakfast. "It's getting cold Boo" said Lindsey. Tegan reluctantly scratched around her plate but left more than half of it. "Sweetie, you've hardly touched your breakfast" said Lindsey. "I'm not hungry" said Tegan pouring another cup of coffee. "You have to eat Tegan… you have a long day ahead of you" said Lindsey. "I'll get something on the plane" said Tegan. "No you won't… I know you" said Lindsey. "Just stop it okay… stop treating me like a child" yelled Tegan, her face red. Casey started crying with her finger in her mouth. She wasn't used to hearing her mom shouting. "Oh my God… I'm sorry… I'm sorry for shouting sweetie" said Tegan and picked Casey up. She bounced her up and down as tears came rolling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry" she whispered. "Tee… I don't want to fight" said Lindsey. "I don't want to fight either Linds… I'm sorry. I'm so effed up" said Tegan. She picked up a piece of toast and reluctantly started eating it.
An hour later the doorbell rang. Lindsey opened the door for Sara and Kate. "She packed and ready?" asked Sara. "She's packed… don't know if she's ready" said Lindsey. "Everything okay?" asked Sara. "Yeah, I guess… we just had a… tiff this morning… but what's new right" said Lindsey. "Hang in there Linds" said Sara. Kate walked to the bedroom and knocked softly. "Yeah" said Tegan on the other side. "It's Kate, can I come in?" said Kate. "Sure" said Tegan. "Hey Tee. How are you?" asked Kate. "I'm okay thanks, how are you?" asked Tegan throwing a few last things in a backpack. "Good… Sorry I couldn't come check on you yesterday. Had an emergency surgery" said Kate. "No problem… Listen Kate, I'm good you don't need to check me over" said Tegan. "Why don't you let me be the judge of that" said Kate. Tegan rolled her eyes dramatically. "Okay go ahead…. Maybe you'll tell me I can't go. A doctor's note would be fantastic right about now" said Tegan sarcastically. "Thank you… sit down" said Kate.
Kate wordlessly wrapped the BP cuff around Tegan's arm and pressed the button. "That looks pretty normal" said Kate glancing down at the meter while feeling Tegan's glands in her neck. "Kate" said Tegan. "Yeah" said Kate. "Please keep an eye on Linds and the twins while we're away" said Tegan. "Sure Tee" said Kate putting the stethoscope on Tegan's chest. "Please, promise me" said Tegan. "Tegan calm down…. Of course I'll keep an eye on them. Relax…. Your heart rate's super-fast" said Kate. "Sorry… I'm just nervous" said Tegan bouncing her leg up and down. "Any pain?" asked Kate. "Nope… feels pretty much good as new" said Tegan as Kate inspected the scar in her side. "And your breathing? Any breathlessness? Dizziness?" asked Kate. "No more than usual" said Tegan. "Deep breath in…. and out" said Kate. Tegan took a shuddering breath and it came out as a stifled sob. "It's okay Tegan… its okay" said Kate and put her hand on Tegan's back to comfort her. "Just take a moment bud" said Kate. She finished her thorough exam a few minutes later.
"You're okay, almost good to go. Do you have enough of your meds" said Kate. "Yeah" said Tegan eyeing the bag of chronic medication she had to take every day since her illness two years ago. "I'm going to give you these, I want you to take it if you need it. One in the morning, one in the evening" said Kate. "What is it?" asked Tegan. "Just something to relax you and calm you down" said Kate. "Anti-depressants?" said Tegan looking pissed off. "No Tegan… it's not. It's mild… it's not going to knock you out or make you woozy. It will just make you feel as if you can cope a bit better" said Kate. "I don't want to develop a drug dependency Kate" said Tegan. "You won't Tee… trust me on this. I'll make sure of it" said Kate. "Okay" said Tegan and took the packet from Kate. "You also need to take your oxygen concentrator" said Kate. "Oh hell no" said Tegan. "Please Tegan… you're going to be in the mountains… high altitude, that's going to affect your oxygen levels… Just keep an eye on your pulse ox, and if need be just breathe a bit of oxygen" said Kate. "Dammit Kate… I'm fine… I haven't needed that thing for ages" said Kate. "What since last week?" said Kate. Tegan just sighed, frustrated. "Tee… you know that you're always going to have some kind of issues with your lungs. Just manage it… it's not a big deal. The concentrator is the size of a camera bag…. Seriously, you can manage that. Just do it to keep me happy" said Kate. "Okay, fuck… what the fuck ever… just get off my case" shouted Tegan and shoved the door open hard. "Chill… for god's sake Tegan" said Kate.
Tegan stormed back into the kitchen and looked around for something to do. She picked up Ryan from his high chair and walked outside with him. She held him tight against her chest and suddenly the tears just started flowing again. Ryan sat in her arms, not moving as if he knew his mom needed to hold him. Tegan kissed his head over and over again. Ryan eventually turned his face to Tegan's and looked at her suspiciously. "Mommy cry… booboo" he said. "It's okay Ryan… Mommy's okay, I don't have a booboo" said Tegan bouncing Ryan up and down. The action was more there to calm her down than Ryan. Lindsey gave Tegan ten minutes alone outside as she made a fresh pot of coffee for Sara and Kate. "I don't know what to do anymore" said Lindsey with her head in her hands. "It's going to be okay Linds" said Sara. "I don't know if it is… I don't know how to help her. I feel… I feel as if I'm losing her all over again" said Lindsey and started crying. "Hey… shhhh… you're not gonna lose her okay" said Sara taking Lindsey in her arms. "She's my everything Sar… I just want her to stop hurting…. I want her to be happy and healthy… I want her to get out of this dark place… and you know… maybe I'm selfish… I know I am but I need her back… I need her… I can't do this alone and right now…. She's just…. Off on standby" sobbed Lindsey. "I know Linds… We're going to help her… she's going to be okay" Sara hugged Lindsey.
A few minutes later Tegan came back into the room. She wasn't crying but looked emotional. "What time do we need to leave?" she asked. "We have about twenty minutes" said Sara. Tegan put Ryan down on the carpet next to Casey and Amelia and walked over to Lindsey. "Sweetie… can we talk?" Tegan whispered into her ear. Lindsey looked up. "Okay" she said softly and got up. "Sar, can you guys watch the twins for a few minutes" said Tegan. "Yeah of course" said Sara fast. Tegan took Lindsey's hand and led her outside into the garden. She walked until she was out of sight from the house.
"Did you check her over? Is she okay?" asked Sara. "She's okay. Just keep an eye on her Sara. Don't let her strain herself too much, let her rest when she needs to. She's physically and mentally exhausted so… she's just a bit jittery. Check her pulse ox if she becomes out of breath and let her breathe some oxygen if it goes under 93. That's about it. Oh and make sure she takes her meds" said Kate. "Alright… are you sure she's okay. How's the wound?" asked Sara. "It's fine Sar. No sign of infection. Call me if anything worries you" said Kate. "Good… I'm gonna miss you" said Sara and put her head on Kate's shoulder. Kate put her arms around Sara "I'm gonna miss you more" said Kate and kissed Sara softly on the lips a few times.
"Linds…. I'm so sorry… I'm… fuck… I'm suck a prick" said Tegan in tears. Lindsey took Tegan's face in her hands. "Listen to me Tegan… you're not a prick… you're just going through a rough time" said Lindsey. "No Linds… listen to me..." said Tegan. "Tee" said Lindsey. "Please… I need to get this off my chest, let me talk" said Tegan. Lindsey nodded. Tegan looked into her eyes. "You've been crying" she whispered. "So have you" said Lindsey. "Lindsey. I'm sorry. I know that I've been pretty much the worst wife in the world this last month. It's just that… I feel as if I'm in a big hole and I'm fighting to get out but it's sucking me further. I really am sorry, for snapping at you… every day, for treating you badly, for brushing you off…. I know… I've been distant… While I should have just been loving you…. Because there's no place in the world where I feel safer… than in your arms. You've been so amazing these last few weeks. God knows I would have lost it if I were you" said Tegan through her tears. "Baby… Oh sweetie it's okay" said Lindsey while taking Tegan into her arms. "I'm such a mess" cried Tegan. "You're so brave for trying Tegan… just keep trying baby…. I'm not giving up on you" whispered Lindsey. "I love you… I love you so much" said Tegan in Lindsey's arms. "I love you too Tegan" said Lindsey. "I'm scared Linds…" said Tegan. "I'm scared too… but you know what… is like the monkey bars" said Lindsey pointing at the monkey bars on the kids' jungle gym. "You have to let go at some stage in order to move forward" said Lindsey. "I know" said Tegan staring down at her hands in Lindsey's.
"I just…. I want to apologise… I don't want to leave things the way they are" said Tegan. "I accept your apology" said Lindsey. "I want you to know that I love you… and that you… and the twins… this family… is, and always will be my number one priority. I'm going to do anything I can to get back to normal Linds. Oh and… thank you… for putting up with my shit" said Tegan. "For better or worse baby" said Lindsey. "Yeah I know, but there's only so much shit you can take" said Tegan. "Tee sweetie, please stop kicking yourself while you're down" said Lindsey. Tegan bit her bottom lip, not keen to start another fight. "I love you… take good care of yourself while you're away. We'll be waiting for you mommy Tee" said Lindsey and kissed Tegan's forehead. "Thank you… for understanding… I love you" said Tegan and looked into Lindsey's eyes. "You and me babe" said Tegan. "Me and you" said Lindsey as tears rolled down her cheeks. "I hate it that I made you cry" said Tegan and wiped the tears from Lindsey's cheeks with her thumbs. "It's okay baby… Let's go inside… I'm sure you want to say goodbye to the twins" said Lindsey.
"Kiddos…. Mommy has to go now" said Tegan and went down on her knees in front of the kids. Tears started flowing again. This in turn upset the twins and they started crying. Sara was now also in tears and picked Amelia up for some cuddles. "Mommy loves you… more than anything" said Tegan softly. "Love Mommy" said Ryan. Tegan smiled. "I'll be back soon okay… You be good now. I love you" said Tegan and kissed her kids hair. "Let's go Sar. I can't drag this out. I'm upsetting them" said Tegan and got up. She gave the twins another quick kiss. "Maammaaa" shouted Ryan at the top of his voice. Casey was bawling too now. "Go" said Tegan to Sara. She turned to Lindsey. "I love you… I'll call you soon" said Tegan. "Love you Boo" said Lindsey trying to stay calm.
A/N: Just a bit of a bridging chapter. Let's hope Tegan get's out of her dark place soon. Review please. What do you think should happen on the trip?