Chapter 192
Tegan was quiet but amicable during dinner. Her mom prepared a warm bubble bath for her and she spent a significant amount of time in the tub relaxing. Sara and Sonia sat outside on Sonia's patio while Tegan was in the bath. Sara told her mom all about the events of the day. Sonia couldn't help giggling through some of it but asked a million concerned questions when she heard Tegan had some medical trouble during the flight. "Anyway, I just hope this trip helps her" said Sara. "Me too. I hate seeing her like this. I mean, I understand that she went through some incredible trauma and suffered such a hard loss but she can't go on like this forever" said Sonia. "You know… I don't even think it's Jeremy's death anymore. I think that started it and since then she's just been spiraling downward" said Sara. "I think she's depressed…. And I think she needs help" said Sonia. "Yeah I know mom…. But right now she doesn't want to take it. This is pretty much it…. The only thing she's agreed to go along with. I don't know if I can help her mom, and that scares me" said Sara. "Here's the thing Sar… Tegan needs to help herself. You can help her get to that realisation but she needs to put in the work" said Sonia. "Uh huh" mumbled Sara looking lost in thought.
"I love you sweetie. Thanks for taking care of Tegan" said Sonia. "Of course I'm taking care of her mom… it's what we do. We have each other's backs. I… I just hope that this time that will be enough…. I'm so, so worried about her" said Sara. "She'll stay afloat Sar… she'll be okay" said Sonia. Sara nodded looking sad. "How are you holding up sweetie?" asked Sonia. "Me? Oh I'm fine" said Sara. "Really? You lost a good friend too Sara" said Sonia. "I'm fine mom. Really" said Sara. "Okay, alright, don't get defensive" said Sonia. "I'm not getting defensive" said Sara. "I know you're under a lot of stress right now Sara. I know you're getting pressure from every side and…" said Sonia before being cut off by Sara. "I can handle it okay… Tegan needs me to be her buffer right now" said Sara. "I'm just saying… take care of yourself" said Sonia. "Yes Mom" said Sara rolling her eyes.
"What are you guys doing?" said Tegan walking outside wearing her slippers and pajamas. "Hey sweetie… we're just chatting. Let's go inside, don't want you to catch a cold" said Sonia. Tegan was about to snap again about people babying her but she breathed in deep through her nose. "Okay…. Don't come in on my account" said Tegan. "No problem, I'm getting cold myself" said Sonia. Sara's cellphone rang. "Excuse me guys" she said and walked into the garden.
"Feeling a bit better?" asked Sonia with her arm around her eldest as they came inside. "Yeah, that bath did the trick. Feeling much more relaxed, just a bit wobbly from the warm water" said Tegan. "Sara just told me about your horrible day sweetie. That must have been rough" said Sonia. "It was fine… I probably made it worse than it was" said Tegan. "How'd that lady not see you were twins though" laughed Sonia. "And this genius is in charge of making sure nobody packs a bomb in their luggage. Makes me nervous" laughed Tegan.
"Hey sugar" said Sara. "Hi babe, sorry I'm only calling now. Had the day from hell at work" said Kate. "Ha… join the club!" laughed Sara. "Sorry baby, didn't mean to laugh. I know that if you have a bad day it's usually a life of death situation. Sorry sweetie" said Sara. "No, it wasn't this time. Kid just barfed all over me… twice" laughed Kate. "Well at least you still have a sense of humour about it. "Oh yeah that… and radiology went on strike… that was interesting" said Kate. "Have you picked up Amelia yet? Is she okay?" asked Sara. "Yup, just got home a few minutes ago. Making little miss some dinner now. She's fine, had a great time with the cousins today. I think Lindsey's going to be out for the count tonight" said Kate. "I bet, those three together can be exhausting" said Sara. "So, tell me about your day?" asked Kate. Sara started recounting the story. Kate was laughing until they got to the part where Tegan couldn't stop wheezing and the doctor put her on oxygen. "How's her pulse ox now? I'm not happy about this dizziness when she got off the flight. Does she have a fever? Did you check her BP? What's her heart rate?" Kate rambled. "Calm down Katy, she's fine now. She looks a bit tired but she's okay. She's even got a bit of colour back in her cheeks" said Sara. "Don't want to say I told you so… but it's a good thing we sent the O2 concentrator right" said Kate. "Yeah… anyway sweetie, don't worry. I'm keeping an eye on her. I'll call you if there's another crisis but I think that right now she just wants to be left alone and not be poked and prodded" said Sara. "You know that half of this is originating in her head right. Being so down in the dumps can really affect your health" said Kate. "I know… her attitude right now needs work but… listen, she's trying" said Sara defensively. "Okay… I know you're taking good care of her" said Kate.
"Let's change the subject! What are you wearing Dr McSexgoddess?" said Sara. "I'm wearing nothing but a lacy bra and very tiny thong" said Kate seductively before bursting out laughing. "I'm sorry… she said while catching her breath through laughs. "Kaaate!" whined Sara. "Sorry… I'm wearing scrubs that smell like a mixture of hospital, sweat and…. wait… yes, a little bit of puke mixed in" laughed Kate. "Charming…" said Sara. "Amelia's getting fussy hon, I better finish her dinner and get her ready for bed" said Kate. "Okay… Give her a big kiss from me. I'll speak to you soon sweetie. I miss you guys already. Love you so much" said Sara. "We love you too Mommy. Tell Tegan I hope she feels better soon and give our love to Grandma. Have fun! Bring us some maple syrup!" said Kate. "Bye babe, mwah" said Sara.
Tegan had a glass of wine and made small talk with her mom and sister before finally believing it was late enough to excuse herself. She went to the bedroom and phoned Lindsey. "Hey Boo, how was your flight? I left a million messages" said Lindsey. "Sorry, forgot to turn my phone on after the flight. It was okay I guess" lied Tegan. "How's your mom?" asked Lindsey. "She's great thanks. How are the twins?" asked Tegan. "They're good, they had a busy day so they're off to lala land" said Lindsey. "Ahh… I was hoping to say hi … is Ted there?" asked Tegan. "Yeah he is. You want to have a quick chat?" said Lindsey. "No no… tell him I say hi" said Tegan, not in the mood to speak to anybody else. "Oh okay… you okay sweetie?" asked Lindsey, sensing something was wrong. "Yes I'm fine… just tired. I'm gonna go to bed now. Love you" said Tegan. "Love you too… goodnight sweetie" said Lindsey. Tegan hung up abruptly. She brushed her teeth and lay down on the guest room bed staring up at the ceiling.
"Hey pumpkin" said Sonia peeping around the corner. Tegan half smiled. "Just checking if you have everything you need?" said Sonia. "Yes, thanks Mom" said Tegan. Sonia sat down on the bed next to Tegan. "You're going to get through this Tegan. Everything's going to be okay" said Sonia softly while touching Tegan's cheek. Tegan closed her eyes and rolled onto her side away from Sonia in a desperate attempt to not start bawling again. Sonia lay down next to Tegan and switched the night light off. She cuddled up and put her arm around Tegan's middle. "When you were little I would lie with you every night… well, when I wasn't working. It was always so amazing to feel you relax in my arms. Feel your heartbeat under my hands. Feel your breathing slow down. My sweet little angel. I missed that. So… take a few deep breaths… relax… think nice thoughts and go to sleep… Mommy's here… everything's going to be okay" said Sonia softly. Tegan felt warm tears rolling down her face and she sniffed softly. "I love you Mom" whispered Tegan. Sonia lay next to Tegan until she felt Tegan's breathing slow down, making it obvious she was asleep. She stayed put for another ten minutes before finally kissing Tegan's cheek. "Goodnight baby girl" she whispered and tucked Tegan in as if she was four years old.
"She's sleeping" said Sonia coming back into the living room. Sara looked up from her book. "Good… let's hope she stays asleep for the whole night. Lindsey says she's having a lot of trouble sleeping and she's certainly not eating enough" said Sara. "She's lost a lot of weight since I last saw her" said Sonia. "I'll feed her a few cheeseburgers on this trip" smiled Sara. Sonia leaned forward and put her head in her hands. "This physically hurts me… seeing Tegan like this. I mean… God, hasn't she been through enough" said Sonia, close to tears. "She's okay mom" said Sara. "No she's not… she looks as if she's going to break in two any second. I just… I want her to be happy… Seeing your child hurt, physically or emotionally is the hardest thing any parent can ever go through" said Sonia. "I know… I think I only understand that completely now… that overwhelming love" said Sara and smiled.
"Let's talk about something else! How's Kate?" asked Sonia. "She's great. Working really hard. She's under so much stress at work though. I don't know how she does it. I mean, seeing sick adults is one thing but sick kids? Sick babies… I mean… toddlers on life support… Sometimes she comes home and I can see she's been crying. She always pretends it's okay but I don't know mom…. I don't know if this is the right fit for her… emotionally I mean. She's too much of a softie" said Sara. "She's obviously good at it" said Sonia. "Yeah well… Let's face it, she's good at everything. I just want her happy. I don't like seeing her hurting" said Sara. "I think her sensitivity is what makes her a great doctor" said Sonia. "I guess. God knows if I had a sick kid I would want Kate taking care of them" said Sara. "You really have fallen hook, line and sinker for this one haven't you" said Sonia. "I'm so in love I can't think straight. She's so incredible. She treats me like a princess. She makes me feel safe. And she's such a phenomenal mother. I mean… sure we have our fights every now and when we do it's usually quite spectacular! But most of the time I just want to kiss her or fall asleep in her arms. My heart is beating faster just thinking about her" smiled Sara. "Boy do you have it baaad! I'm going to be honest with you. When you decided to have a baby I wasn't sure you were doing the right thing. Your relationship was still relatively new. But I was wrong. I've never seen you so in love Sara. I'm so happy for you" said Sonia. "I never believed in the concept of a "love of your life" but Kate… well… she's the great love of my life. Going on tour is going to be tough… on both of us" said Sara looking worried. "If your love is strong enough… you'll get through it just fine" said Sonia. "Yeah… anyway… let's just get to tour first right" said Sara.
Tegan was up at the crack of dawn after tossing and turning most of the night. She stood at the kitchen counter staring out of the window, waiting for the coffee to brew when Sonia came up behind her. "Morning TeeTee" said Sonia. Tegan jumped and turned around looking spooked. "Jeez… you scared the crap out of me" mumbled Tegan. "I'm sorry sweetie, didn't mean to sneak up on you!" said Sonia rubbing Tegan's back up and down. "That's okay mom…. I've just been a bit… jumpy lately" said Tegan. "That's understandable honey. Have you been seeing Violet to help you deal with things?" asked Sonia, knowing full well that she hasn't. "No Mom… I haven't" said Tegan and folded her arms defensively. "Maybe you should consider it" said Sonia gently. "I'm getting over it okay… just give me some time. You'd be jittery too if you were held up at gunpoint, stabbed and had your friend basically die in your arms!" exclaimed Tegan, becoming emotional. "I know Tegan… I understand. But you have to get some trauma counselling honey. There's help available. These people know what they're doing. You need to work through this in a structured manner" said Sonia. "I know…. I know, I know, I know… I'm… I guess… I'm a little… I'm scared… I don't want to talk this through… I don't want to relive it" said Tegan turning away. "But instead… you're reliving it every day…. Am I right?" said Sonia. Tegan didn't reply but hung her head. "I'll go see her when we get back if nothing's changed" said Tegan a few minutes later. "Good girl" said Sonia and hugged Tegan. "And physically? Are you feeling better than yesterday?" asked Sonia. "Yeah… much better thanks" said Tegan. "Much" was probably an overstatement but she did feel a bit better.
"Morning sleepy head…. Rise and shine" said Tegan and yanked open the curtains in Sara's room. Sara grunted and pulled the duvet over her head. "Wakey, wakey" said Tegan pulled the duvet back off. "Noooo, five more minutes" moaned Sara. "How often do you get coffee in bed!?" said Tegan. "Hmmm… most days" said Sara opening her eyes. "Ugh… Kate is such a fucking over achiever" said Tegan and rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the coffee" said Sara and closed her eyes again. "No no… sit up or you'll fall asleep again" said Tegan. "Alright already… jeez… why are you in such a rush suddenly" asked Sara. "I want to get going. We have a long drive ahead of us" said Tegan. "Well… it's not that long Tegan it's not even two hours" said Sara. "I just want to get going please" said Tegan.
Tegan came into the kitchen after a quick shower. Sonia was taking out stuff from the fridge and was about to start a huge breakfast. "Oh mom… thank you but I don't think we're staying for breakfast" said Tegan. "Why not sweetie, won't take long" said Sonia. "We need to get going mom" said Tegan. "Tegan…. Twenty minutes isn't going to kill you. You need to eat something" said Sonia. Tegan sighed. "Okay… we'll have a quick breakfast" said Tegan throwing her arms in the air.
"Eat Tegan" said Sara when she saw Tegan scratching around her plate. "Fuck off Sara" said Tegan. "She's right sweetie. You really need to eat something" said Sonia. "I'm eating!" said Tegan stuffing a fork full of scrambled eggs into her mouth. "Good... since you're already annoyed with me I have to ask... how's your pulse ox today?" asked Sara. Tegan shook her head. "It's fine Dr Quin" said Tegan annoyed. "Did you even check it?" asked Sara. "Here we go again" said Tegan. "You haven't have you" said Sara. "I don't need to... I feel absolutely fine today thank you very much" said Tegan folding her arms. "Okay... it's just that Kate said you should do spot checks" said Sara. "Kate this... Kate that... blah blah blah" said Tegan pulling a face. "Very mature Tegan... Alright... have it your way" said Sara rolling her eyes.
Tegan and Sara said goodbye to Sonia after a rushed breakfast and were driving through Vancouver's morning traffic in Jeremy's car to get out of the city. "If we left an hour later we could have missed all this traffic" said Sara. Tegan just sighed and looked out the window. Sara turned up the radio to break the silence. Tegan looked down at the console between the two seats. It had a open packet of gum and a pair of Jeremy's sunglasses. She picked up the sunglasses and looked at them for a few seconds before closing her eyes and dropping the glasses. The image of Jeremy smiling, getting into this car, wearing this exact pair of sunglasses popped up in her head and she opened her eyes quickly. Sara looked at her sister. "You okay?" she asked. "Dammit Sara, if you ask me that one more fucking time" snapped Tegan. "Sorry for caring!" said Sara. "Okay... I'm sorry. But please... assume that I'm okay unless I tell you otherwise" said Tegan. "Ooookay" said Sara.
They were finally on the open road headed for the mountains when Sara braked hard to avoid a van that cut them off. "Jeez.. How often do you drive in LA because you're like a lunatic" said Tegan clutching the arm rest. "Am not! I drive plenty thank you very much. If I was a bad driver I would have hit that van... not missed it... d'uh!" said Sara. "Uh huh" grunted Tegan. "You think you can do better?" asked Sara annoyed. "Yeah... I probably can" said Tegan looking smug. "Gimme a break" said Sara rolling her eyes.
The sun was right in front of them now and Tegan put down the sun visor. A parking ticket fell out. She looked at the piece of paper and started laughing. "What?" said Sara. "Good luck to them if they want to get this one paid" laughed Tegan. Sara looked at her sister and gave her a weirded out smile. "Jeremy - 1, City of Vancouver - 0. Boy did you show them Jer" laughed Tegan. She laughed harder and harder and was eventually doubled over, clutching her stomach in manic laughter. "Tegan calm the fuck down" said Sara. Tegan just laughed some more, sounding out of breath. "Tegan calm down and breathe! Tegan!" yelled Sara. Tegan still laughed hysterically. Sara pulled onto a large patch of dirt on the side of the road.
"Why the fuck did you do that?" asked Tegan after she suddenly stopped laughing. Sara closed her eyes and breathed in deep. She clutched the steering wheel so tight her knuckles were white. "Sara?" said Tegan starting to wheeze slightly from the fit of hysterics. She pulled out her inhaler and took a puff. Sara still had her eyes closed. "Sar?" said Tegan again. "Hey... I'm okay" she said softly when Sara didn't answer.
Sara opened her eyes and exhaled deeply. She turned the keys to start the car again. "I thought you wanted me to laugh again" mumbled Tegan. Sara turned the car off again and got out. She paced up and down next to the car with her hands in her sides and her head thrown backward. "Oh shit" mumbled Tegan.
Tegan got out of the car a minute later. "Sara... come on... Sar... I'm sorry... I don't know why I did that. I guess... it was just... it was funny" said Tegan. "Yeah it was funny for a second... it wasn't funny as in lose your shit and go into breathing distress funny... You were short of breath... it scared me, okay" said Sara. Tegan just stared at her. "And it scared me that... I thought you were... I thought you were having some sort of breakdown okay" yelled Sara. "A breakdown?! Please! You need to chill" said Tegan. Sara shook her head looking upset. "I'm sorry... how many fucking times must I tell you I'm sorry" yelled Tegan.
"And now I'm not even allowed to ask if you're okay? Well fuck that Tegan. I'll ask if you're okay as many times as I fucking want to okay! And I think you owe me an answer, every time. Because I worry about you. And you may not like that but it is what it is... fuck Tee... you're my twin. Seeing you hurting is fucking me up!" said Sara and leaned her bum on the hood of the car and put her hands over her face. Tegan sat down next to her. "I'm really sorry Sara. I appreciate you caring" said Tegan softly and put her arm around Sara's shoulder and squeezed it. "I'm sorry for yelling" said Sara. "No... I'm sorry for being a dick, but please... just bare with me. I'm trying" said Tegan. Sara looked at her sister and nodded. "And... I hope you know that I'm probably going to have a couple of freak out's and bat shit moments on this trip... Hoping to get really drunk tonight for one" laughed Tegan. "I expected as much... But I need you to trust me Tegan. I just want to help you. I need you to be okay with that" said Sara. Tegan nodded. "I'm okay with that" she said. "Good... glad we had this chat" said Sara and got up. Tegan walked around the car and snuck in another puff of her inhaler with her back turned to Sara. "I saw that" said Sara.
They both got back in the car. Sara turned to Tegan. "Are you breathing okay now?" asked Sara. "I am. Thank you" said Tegan. "Let's get some fresh air" said Sara and pressed a button to let down the top of the car. "Whoo hoo... Now we're talking! Let's roll" said Tegan. She leaned back, put her sunnies on and put her one foot on the dash. "Buckle up" said Sara. Tegan did as instructed. Sara pulled away and Tegan turned the radio back on. Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'" started playing. "Don't freak... but am I allowed to sing or will that qualify as a losing my shit moment?" asked Tegan. Sara laughed. "You can sing... thanks for the warning!" said Sara. Tegan hummed till the chorus started. Both girls burst out in song. "And I'm free, free fallin! And I'm freeeeeee, free faaalliiiin". Tegan looked at Sara and laughed, sincerely this time, for the first time in ages.
A/N: Sorry for the late update. At least it's a longish one! Hope you enjoyed it. Hit me up with some feedback please!