Chapter 193
The twins arrived at the little town closest to the cabin around mid-morning. "Alright, let's go get some food supplies" said Sara. "I'm going to get some alcohol supplies first" said Tegan and winked. "I don't know if this drinking plan is so smart Tegan" said Sara. "Hey, maybe I won't even drink but I'd like to have the option" said Tegan. "Not as if I'm going to change your mind now is it" said Sara.
Tegan joined Sara in the grocery store a while later after putting her purchases in the car. She proceeded to load potato chips, popcorn and loads of candy into the shopping trolley. "Tegan? What the hell? How much candy can you eat?" asked Sara. "Hey, I may have breathing problems but at least I don't have a hint of diabetes" laughed Tegan. "Yeah wonder how long it will stay that way with these eating habits" said Sara. "Oh come on… I don't always eat this way, you know Lindsey would kill me" said Tegan. Sara just shook her head.
The twins had a snack and a coffee in the quaint little town before driving up to the cabin. Sara got out of the car and unlocked the cabin. Tegan remained seated in the car. She suddenly felt frozen. She broke out in a cold sweat. "Come on Tee" shouted Sara. Tegan took a big gulp of the fresh mountain air. "Just a minute" she shouted. "Come on Tegan… don't be such a fucking wuss" she said to herself. Tegan carried some bags up the steps and entered the cabin. It was dark and smelled a bit musty inside. Sara pulled open the curtains and some windows and light and fresh air flooded the room changing the atmosphere immediately. "The agent said they gave it a good clean two days ago and they made the beds for us" said Sara. Tegan stood in one spot and looked around. It was exactly how she remembered it. They had so many great times in this cabin. "I'll get the rest of the stuff later" mumbled Tegan. She plonked the bags down and walked outside as Sara started unpacking groceries. "Teegs?" said Sara sounding concerned. "I'm okay, just want to give the kids a ring" said Tegan.
Tegan sat down on the porch steps and looked out over the valley in front of her. It really was gorgeous. Tegan suddenly realised how much she missed Canada. She took a couple of deep breaths and had a strange feeling of calm wash over her. She just enjoyed the beauty, the silence and the calm for a few minutes. She eventually dialed Lindsey's number. "Hi sweetheart" she said. "Hey baby Boo! How are you? You guys up at the cabin yet?" asked Lindsey. "We just got here. I forgot how beautiful it is up here" said Tegan. "You feeling a bit better today?" asked Lindsey. "I am actually. I just miss you guys" said Tegan. "We miss you too sweetie. The kids have actually been asking for you" said Lindsey. "Really?" laughed Tegan. "Yeah they do that Humma Teetee thing" laughed Lindsey. "Oh my heart. They're so clever!" said Tegan. "And so utterly adorable" laughed Lindsey. "Babe let's put facetime on. I really want to see their faces" said Tegan. "Oh and mine?" joked Lindsey. "Always! My gorgeous wife" said Tegan.
Lindsey was so relieved to hear that Tegan seemed to be in a better space today. "So you're finally seeing the benefit of an iPhone versus that horrible Blackberry right" said Lindsey. "Hey… I loved that phone but sure… I can see how this phone would be handy" said Tegan. "Okay Mom going onto video now… here they are" said Lindsey. Tegan looked at the screen. "Hey kiddos… hello mommy's little monkeys" cooed Tegan. Both Casey and Ryan were up and started touching the screen. "Maamma" shrieked Ryan and clasped his hands together before he started clapping. Casey was drooling and wanting to kiss the screen. "I love you guys… I miss you" said Tegan. "Love Tee" said Casey. "You're so clever… talking so well" said Tegan proudly. The radio was playing in the background. "Closer" started playing and Casey gasped. Her mouth fell open in an animated, surprised way and she put her hands on her cheeks and started bouncing up and down, apparently trying to dance. Tegan laughed out loud. "Yeah baby… shake your booty" said Tegan. Ryan joined in and was now holding his sister's hands, hopping up and down. "They know a good song when they hear it" joked Tegan. "They know their mom's voice that's for sure" laughed Lindsey. The lovefest went on for a few more minutes. "Okay you two silly monkeys. My turn" said Lindsey. "I love you Tegan… always know that you're the most important thing in my life… you and the twins" said Lindsey. "I love you too… hey Linds?" said Tegan. "Yeah babe" said Lindsey. "I just wanted… I wanted to say… again, that I'm sorry… for being so distant recently. Thank you for putting up with my shit" said Tegan. "You and me babe" said Lindsey. "Me and you" smiled Tegan.
"I wish you were here to hold me" said Tegan softly after turning the video feed off. "I wish I could hold you too" said Lindsey. "Last night… I couldn't sleep without you next to me" said Tegan. "I had some trouble too sweetie. Why don't you try and take a bit of a nap this afternoon?" said Lindsey. "I will. All this fresh air is tiring me out" laughed Tegan. "No sweetie, lack of sleep and emotional exhaustion is tiring you out" said Lindsey. "Yeah… don't really want to talk about it" said Tegan, her voice changing suddenly. There was silence for a few seconds. "Anyway…. I better go get lunch ready for the twins and I think Ryan's working on one of his legendary dirty diapers" said Lindsey sounding emotional suddenly. "I'm sorry" said Tegan. "Oh I can handle it, I'll just pin my nose" said Lindsey. "No I mean… I'm sorry. I realise I'm pushing you away again" said Tegan. "Sweetie… It's okay, I don't want you to say sorry for anything for these few days. You're getting a free pass to say what you want and just do whatever you want and need to. Just relax and try to have fun. You'll sort things out in your own time okay" said Lindsey.
"I don't deserve you" said Tegan softly looking down at her feet. "You deserve the very best of everything" said Lindsey. "It's… um… Can we…. I would like to talk sometime if that's okay?" said Tegan. "Of course that's okay honey" said Lindsey. Tegan heard Ryan moan in the background. "Hon… go deal with the kids first, we'll talk later" said Tegan. "It's okay… lunch can wait a few minutes" said Lindsey, relieved that Tegan wanted to talk and desperate not to let her go. "No, we don't want Ryan's bum to get diaper rash. Remember the saga we had a year ago? It's okay baby… we'll talk later" said Tegan. Lindsey sighed. "Okay… can I call you when I put them down for their nap? Actually, I should let you nap too, I think you need it" rambled Lindsey. "Sweetie… I'm not going anywhere. We can talk tonight… or this afternoon, I don't need a nap. I'll probably just be hanging around… call when you're ready, it will give me a way to get out of playing Scrabble with Sara" laughed Tegan. "Okay Boo. Just put your phone on silent if you take a nap, I don't want to wake you up. Take good care of yourself… go nap now" said Lindsey. "Yes mom" said Tegan. "Love you… so much" said Lindsey. "Love you sweetie… you know, you save me… every day. I… I don't know where I would be without you" said Tegan becoming emotional. "You don't have to think about that because you never have to be without me" said Lindsey. Tegan sniffed. "Go sweetie… I hear Casey crying" said Tegan. "Casey honey nooo" said Lindsey. "I better go Boo… she's bumped her toe" said Lindsey. "She okay?" asked Tegan nervously. "Yeah she's okay… just got a bit of a fright" said Lindsey. Casey wasn't crying anymore. "Say love you mommy" said Lindsey. "Love mommy" said the twins. "Bye bye" said Lindsey and Casey and Ryan both repeated it. The phone went dead. "Babe? Linds?" said Tegan. They were gone. Tegan sighed.
Sara walked outside and handed Tegan a cup of tea. "Everything okay at home?" she asked. "Yeah everything's great. I just miss them" said Tegan and made a puppy dog face. "I miss my girls too" said Sara. "Kate working today?" asked Tegan. "Yeah, Amelia's with Kate's parents for the day. They're in town. Lucky for me the inlaws loooove babysitting and they're bored. They would fly into town for one day of babysitting duties if they had to. They adore her and she loves chilling with them. Anyway – better than day care" said Sara. "I thought day care was great?" said Tegan. "It is and it isn't. She seems to enjoy it but those days can get very long. So I prefer only taking her when I can go pick her up at a decent time if Kate has an emergency, which happens quite often" said Sara.
"How's the teething going?" asked Tegan. "Ugh… okay right now but who knows when the next one will hit. I thought having a doctor for a partner would make it easy but she's just as clueless as I am when it comes to teething" said Sara. Tegan gave Sara a few teething tips. "Wow… who would have thought a couple of years ago that the two of us would be having teething and baby conversations" laughed Sara. "I know right" laughed Tegan. "I love being a mommy though. Kate's starting to push for another one" said Sara. "Really? That's cool" said Tegan. "Yeah but the timing sucks" said Sara. "We want another one too" said Tegan. "Do you want to carry it?" asked Sara. "Yeah, I do. I'm not really that phased but Lindsey had a lot of problems with the twins so I don't want her to do it again. I think it's too risky" said Tegan. "Kate's adamant she wants to carry the next one but I don't know… with her job and what not" said Sara. "Sar, doctors have babies all the time you know. She'll be fine" said Tegan. "Anyway, we'll start thinking about it towards the end of this record cycle" said Sara.
"Yeah… speaking about record cycle… I… um… Sar, I know I owe you some answers. But can I please ask you just for a day or two more… I just need to think things through" said Tegan. "Sure, that's why we're here right" said Sara. Tegan nodded. "I have to say… as much as the thought scares me right now I do miss touring" said Tegan. "Yeah… I do too" smiled Sara, happy that Tegan was at least talking about touring. "It's going to be fun… and crazy with three kids on tour" laughed Tegan. "Yup, I'm happy that you're thinking 'when' and not 'if'' said Sara. Tegan fiddled around with a couple of stones next to her but didn't respond. After a minute she took a deep breath and got up. "I didn't sleep much last night, I'm going to take a nap if that's okay" said Tegan. "Yeah of course, think I may join you. It's so quiet without the kids" laughed Sara.
Tegan purposefully chose the guest bedroom and not the main bedroom where Jeremy used to sleep. She plonked her bags down and fell onto the side of the bed. She was so tired again. She kicked her shoes off and closed her eyes. It didn't take long before she fell asleep. Sara peeped into the room a few minutes later. She covered Tegan with a blanket and left to read in her own room.
Sara was talking to Kate on the phone when she heard a commotion in Tegan's room next door. "Help… help" she heard Tegan mumble. "Kate I'll call you back, I need to go check on Tee, something's not right" said Sara and hung up abruptly. She jogged to Tegan's room and found her still asleep, mumbling into her pillow. Fear crept up Sara's neck. "Tegan wake up… it's okay" said Sara with her hand on Tegan's shoulder. "Help" Tegan mumbled again. "Tegan! Wake up" said Sara again and shook Tegan's shoulders hard this time. Tegan gasped and her eyes flew open. "Sara" she said sounding winded. "It's okay… Just a dream" said Sara. Tegan tried to take a deep breath but it came in the form of a shuddering gasp. "Sit up, take a sip of water" said Sara. Tegan did as she was told but her heart was racing and felt a bit light headed and out of breath. "It's okay… deep breaths" said Sara looking freaked out. She took a few deep breaths but it didn't help much. "Just a dream" said Sara. Tegan got up and stumbled to the bathroom. She splashed cold water over her face again and again. It didn't help much. Tegan fell back onto the bed. "Are you okay?" asked Sara. Tegan didn't reply but pulled her backpack closer and put the pulse ox meter on her finger shaking her head. She was so annoyed with her health right now. She knew she would always have some kind of lung issues but she didn't expect her health to take such a knock after getting stabbed. She felt better physically for the last few weeks until yesterday's airplane incident.
Tegan gave a couple of coughs and looked at the numbers on her finger. "Fuck" she mumbled. "Tee?" said Sara. "Yeah" whispered Tegan. "Are you okay? Can I help you?" asked Sara. "Um… yes please" said Tegan looking pale. "Lie back down" said Sara. "Can you just grab my O2 concentrator" said Tegan lying down. "Just relax, I've got you" said Sara. Tegan started crying softly. She put her hands in front of her eyes as Sara switched the machine on. "Hey hey it's okay… shhh you're okay" said Sara. "What the fuck's going on… this is so frustrating" cried Tegan. "Kate said you should expect your sats to be a bit lower due to the altitude. It's just that and the bad dream" said Sara. "Oh yeah" said Tegan and seemed to calm down a bit. "Just relax… I'm going to phone her" said Sara. "Don't trouble her" said Tegan fast. "She would want me to phone Tegan. Don't worry… it's okay" said Sara. "I don't think it's a big deal Sar… as you said, just the altitude" said Tegan. "Then we don't have anything to worry about in terms of what Kate's going to say right" said Sara handing Tegan the nasal cannula.
"87? Yeah that's low, put her on the O2 and check again in five minutes. Meanwhile you can take her BP and pulse for me" said Kate. Tegan wordlessly handed Sara her arm and Sara did as instructed. "98 over 70. Pulse 102" said Sara. "Okay that's a little low but not that bad. Just get her to relax, breathe deep. Her heart is racing… just get her to calm down. She'll be okay" said Kate. "Okay baby, I'll phone you later. Let me sort this out" said Sara. "She said it's okay, you just need to rest, breathe deeply" said Sara. "Fuck this… fuck this… fuck this" said Tegan. "I know it's frustrating" said Sara. "It's more than frustrating" said Tegan. She shook her head annoyed. "How can we even go on tour if I need oxygen every five minutes" said Tegan. "It's okay Tegan. You're always a bit out of it after an attack like you had yesterday… and this bad dream just now doesn't help. Just relax" said Sara. Tegan turned on her side, still out of breath. Sara sat down next to her with her hand on her back. "I need the mask… this isn't helping" said Tegan and adjusted the settings on the machine. "Okay Tee… shhhhhh… just relax" said Sara. Tegan took a puff from her inhaler and held the mask to her face. "Let's put this on properly so you can get some rest" said Sara sounding concerned. "I don't need more rest… I don't want to sleep again" complained Tegan. "Okay… you don't have to sleep just calm down… breathe" said Sara.
Tegan eventually started to calm down with the mask on her face. Sara looked at the numbers and texted them to Kate. Everything seemed to be back to normal levels again. "I dreamed… about that day Sara… you were there. There was so much blood…. I couldn't say anything except Help… help… help... I don't remember if that's what I said that day" said Tegan staring out in front of her. "I'm sorry Tegan… I'm so sorry that you keep reliving this" said Sara and held Tegan's hand. "I hate feeling powerless… I was so powerless" whispered Tegan after taking the mask off.
"Keep going Tegan… tell me how you felt" said Sara trying to get Tegan to finally talk about her emotions that day. "I… I felt scared… so scared… terrified… angry…. He… he... Jonathan... just stood there, crying… I felt rage towards him… I wanted to hurt him back… I wanted to strangle him… I'm so ashamed to admit that… It felt as if my heart was going to rip in two when I looked down at Jer… It physically hurt me to see him hurt… I felt as if somebody was squeezing my heart... and all he was worried about was comforting me… I can still feel his breathing under my hands… I feel that sticky blood on my fingers…. That smell Sar… that smell… I don't think I'll ever get it out of my mind… that sharp, metal smell of blood… that hits the back of your throat and makes you gag" cried Tegan. "Okay… it's okay… breathe" said Sara. "I remember that feeling of his chest moving in and out under my hands... I was so desperate for him to wake up... I pressed up and down so hard... I just wanted him to wake up... I just wanted his heart to beat. I can still taste his blood in my mouth" cried Tegan. She took a few deep breaths before continuing. "And then… I thought I was having a heart attack when I heard that shot… I saw their faces in front of me… the twins and Lindsey… God Sar… What would I have done… if… oh God I can't think about it" said Tegan and started sobbing again. "He took my kids… he stole my babies… he wanted to take them away forever… he took my babies" cried Tegan, becoming more and more hysterical. "They're okay Tegan... they're safe... just breathe... breathe deep" said Sara. "I never want to feel that way again... I can't... I don't know how to get that out of my mind. I'm scared all the time. Every time a stranger just looks at them I want to rip their heads off" cried Tegan.
Sara held a sobbing Tegan's upper body on her lap. She rubbed her back up and down. "It's okay... it's over... he's never going to hurt anybody again" said Sara.
Tegan was quiet for a few minutes. "Tegan, lie back against the pillows and close your eyes" said Sara. "I'm not sleeping again" said Tegan. "No... you don't have to sleep. Just listen" said Sara. Tegan did as instructed. "Tee... I want you to focus on your breathing for a few minutes... breathe in deep through your nose... slowly out through your mouth... that's it... you're doing great" said Sara softly while holding Tegan's hand. "I want you to imagine your happy place... remember your happy place Violet helped you find?" said Sara after a few minutes. Tegan's mind drifted back to her back yard... to Lindsey and the twins. A picnic under the oak tree. Sara could see Tegan relax a bit. A few minutes later she spoke again. "Remember that feeling Tegan... That feeling of love... that moment where everything is okay... you're relaxed... you're happy... everything is okay" said Sara softly. Tegan tried her hardest to stay in that moment, that moment only.
"I want you to think about one of your favourite moments with Jeremy" said Sara. Tegan's face contracted. A random thought came into her mind. She was with Jeremy at the cabin. They were laughing and having a great time discussing the next day's skydiving plans. Later that afternoon Jeremy sprained his ankle when he jumped into a rock pool in the river and the skydiving plans went out the window. Tegan smiled. She remembered nursing Jeremy for a week and what a big baby he was. They really connected that week though. Tegan was going through a really rough time after breaking off a long term relationship. That's when Tegan started calling Jeremy her gay husband in jest.
Sara gave Tegan a minute or two. "Remember that... remember Jeremy smiling... remember how much he loved you, how much you loved him. You've acknowledged your bad memories... your bad emotions... you've put it into words and it's out now... they're going to fly the fuck away... So... right now, I want you to put those and everything else out of your mind... just remember that love... focus on that love that will live forever in you" said Sara.
Sara's heart was beating fast. She knew nothing about trauma counseling and she was so afraid that she was making everything worse! She tried to remember discussions she had with Sonia about dealing with trauma... she tried to remember how she got over her own trauma of being kidnapped. She wondered what Violet would be say. She was terrified.
Sara looked at Tegan who miraculously seemed to have drifted off again. She breathed a sigh of relief. She wanted desperately to phone Sonia or Violet but she didn't want to leave Tegan alone. She gently put the pulse ox meter back onto Tegan's finger. Her pulse was slow and regular and her sats back to normal. "Thank God" Sara sighed. "Oh Teetee... I just want you better. I love you" whispered Sara.
Tegan opened her eyes about an hour later. Sara was still next to her, holding her hand. "Hey sleepy head" said Sara. "Hey... you're still here" mumbled Tegan and rubbed her eyes. They stung and felt puffy. "Of course I am... You okay?" asked Sara. "Um... yeah I think so" said Tegan. "Good, here's a sip of water" said Sara. "Gosh Sar... it feels as if... this massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders" said Tegan. Sara smiled. "I don't know... I don't know how long this is going to last but I somehow feel... liberated. Like when you have a massive zit and you finally pop it" said Tegan. "Eeeuuu Tegan" laughed Sara. Tegan shrugged. "Thank you Sara... thank you so much" said Tegan. "You're welcome" said Sara softly. "You're good at this" said Tegan. "Thanks, I try... The bill is in the mail" laughed Sara. "Okay Dr Quin" smiled Tegan. "Tee... I don't think this was some miracle cure... but I think you're getting there. I think it was really good that you finally talked about it" said Sara. "I know... baby steps right" said Tegan. "Yeah... baby steps" said Sara.
"How are you feeling physically?" said Sara. "Fine" said Tegan. "Your sats are pretty much back to a low normal and so is your pulse" said Sara. "You were spying while I was sleeping?" said Tegan. "Yeah... I was worried about you" said Sara. "I feel fine now Sara... promise" said Tegan getting up. "I need some fresh air... and a beer" said Tegan. "Okay... I'll join you" said Sara. "Should we make burgers tonight?" asked Tegan. "You're hungry?" asked Sara. "Meh, not really but I know I need to eat and burgers are fun to make" said Tegan.
"Go get the beers so long Tee. I just want to phone Kate" said Sara. "Oh... okay" said Tegan and left the room. Sara didn't call Kate but called Sonia on her cellphone. She told her everything that happened. "Mom, did I fuck this up? I don't know... She seems okay now but I just think this is too good to be true" said Sara. "You did well Sara... I don't think this is the end of it, no. But you got her to open up. Something none of us have been able to do so far. I really think verbalizing her emotions was good" said Sonia. "Should I push her to talk some more? Should I just leave it? I don't know mom, I'm not a fucking councilor" said Sara. "Just be there for her Sar. Take her lead. You have a connection with her that nobody else has. Trust that connection. I think that she may be more open to professional help after this. I trust you. You have a natural gift for helping people deal with pain. Do what your gut tells you" said Sonia. "Thanks mom... I hope you're right" said Sara.
Sara found Tegan sitting on the porch with her feet up sipping a beer. "Beer's getting warm" said Tegan. "Thanks" said Sara. "So is doctor overprotective happy?" asked Tegan. "Yup, she's happy" lied Sara. "Maybe we should jam tonight" said Tegan. "Yeah... maybe" said Sara. The twins sat in silence for a few minutes. Sara could sense that Tegan was in deep thought so she let her be.
"Sure is beautiful up here" said Tegan. "Yeah... I love how... grounded this place makes me feel" said Sara. "I sometimes wonder about... moving back to Canada" said Tegan. "Me too" said Sara. "It's just... simpler here... or maybe I'm making that up in my mind" said Tegan. "I think you're right... but... our lives are in LA right now. Our partners have jobs there. Our kids are happy" said Sara. "Kids will be happy anywhere" said Tegan. "That's true I guess" said Sara. "Anyway... don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. It would feel like I'm doing it for the wrong reasons anyway... running away you know" said Tegan. Sara nodded and took another sip of her beer.
"We're so lucky Sar... so blessed. I don't think I appreciate that enough. We're both in such happy, stable relationships. We have gorgeous, smart, happy kids. Great jobs... doing what we love to do. I don't think I really appreciate that enough" said Tegan. "Cheers to that" said Sara. "Cheers" said Tegan bumping her beer bottle against Sara's. "And... we have each other. We'll always have each other, right" said Tegan. "Always" said Sara as she felt emotion building up in her throat.
A/N: Looks as if Tegan is on the right track, finally openening up. Sorry this chapter took a while. At least it was a long one. Hope you enjoyed it. Review please!