Chapter 194
Tegan was quiet for the rest of the afternoon. She took the short walk to the river and sat against a tree staring at the running water for a long time, so long that it worried Sara. Tegan finally didn't have her kids to distract her from facing her demons.
"Hey! You okay Tee?" asked Sara walking up to Tegan.
"I'm all good thanks. Just… thinking things through" said Tegan.
"Okay, I'm going to leave you to it then. What time do you want to have dinner?" asked Sara.
"Umm – I'll aim to be back in about an hour. Is that okay?" asked Tegan.
"Sure… give me a ring if you need anything?" said Sara. "Thanks Sar" said Tegan.
Sara sat on the porch reading her book when Lindsey called her. They made a bit of small talk before cutting to the chase.
"What's happening Sar? How's Tegan? I'm worried sick" said Lindsey.
"She's okay Linds. She… she had a bit of breakdown earlier this afternoon" said Sara.
"A breakdown, what do you mean a breakdown? Sara is she okay?" rambled Lindsey.
"She's okay now yeah. More than okay she seems absolutely fine. She's in a contemplative mood though" said Sara.
"What happened… tell me about this breakdown" said Lindsey sounding completely freaked out.
"She went for a nap and had a really bad nightmare. She was having a bit of breathing difficulty there for a few minutes but…" said Sara before being cut off by Lindsey.
"Wait, wait, WHAT? Is she okay? I don't like this. I want her back home so I can take care of her" said Lindsey.
"Linds calm down. She's okay… we got that under control really fast. She then… she just started talking about that day… about how she felt, about what's going on in her head now. I think this is really good, she's finally verbalising" said Sara.
"How was she?" asked Lindsey.
"She was emotional. I'm not going to lie to you… She was pretty hysterical but we did some relaxation exercises… some basic meditation. That helped a lot. She fell asleep again and woke up in a pretty decent space. She's okay Linds… this is good. It's what we wanted remember" said Sara.
"Are you sure she's okay?" asked Lindsey. "Yes, I'm sure. She's down at the river right now just having some quiet time. She's okay" said Sara.
"Take good care of her Sara… please. I trust you" said Lindsey.
"You know I will" said Sara.
"When I spoke to her around lunch time she said she wanted to talk" said Lindsey.
"Don't push it too much Linds. Not today" said Sara.
"Okay Sar… thanks for everything" said Lindsey.
A few minutes later Tegan came strolling up to the cabin with her hands in her pockets. Sara looked up from her book. Tegan looked relaxed and calm.
"Did you have a good time at the river?" asked Sara.
"Yeah, great thanks" smiled Tegan and walked into the house.
"Lindsey called earlier" said Sara.
"Oh yeah? Why?" asked Tegan.
"She's just worried about you Tee. I put her mind at ease" said Sara.
"Thanks" said Tegan softly.
Tegan's cell phone started buzzing. Tegan saw Kate's face on the screen.
"Hey K-dawg" said Tegan.
"Hey what's up Tee" said Kate.
"Not much. Just chilling" said Tegan.
"How are you feeling? How's your sats?" asked Kate.
"Um… fine… haven't checked since Sara phoned you with her update earlier but hang on I'll check now" said Tegan picking up her pulse ox meter.
"What update?" said Kate.
"Uh… I thought she phoned you when I woke up from my nap" said Tegan.
Sara looked down.
"No… anyway doesn't matter. Are you okay?" said Kate.
"Yeah, everything's back to normal thanks. Breathing easy, sats look okay… mmm – 95 right now and I've just been walking. Had a good afternoon" said Tegan.
"Okay cool, that's great. Take it easy tonight. I have to run Tee. Need to go scrub up for theatre" said Kate.
"Okay, good luck. Bye" said Tegan. She hung up and looked at Sara.
"I thought you phoned her with an update?" said Tegan.
"I didn't" said Sara.
"Then who did you phone?" asked Tegan.
"How's it any of your business?" asked Sara.
"It's my business because you lied to me" said Tegan.
"Tee… it's" said Sara.
"Why did you lie to me?" asked Tegan again.
"I phoned mom okay" said Sara.
"So… why lie about that?" asked Tegan.
"Honestly… I was discussing you and I didn't want you to think I'm… talking behind your back" said Sara.
"Sar… Do you really think that I don't know that you guys are discussing me? You and Kate, you and Mom, you and Lindsey… I get that… I understand that" said Tegan.
"I told Mom about what happened this afternoon Tegan… I hope you're okay with that" said Sara.
"I'm not really but whatever" said Tegan dismissively.
"I just… I wanted to check if I did the right thing… fuck Tee I'm not a shrink or a councillor. Mom is. Please understand" said Sara.
"It's okay… I get it" said Tegan but she still sounded a bit angry.
"So… what did she say? Did you do the right thing? Am I going crazy?" asked Tegan.
"She said you're okay. That it was good that you finally opened up" said Sara.
"Okay… Sar, but you should relax…. It's not your responsibility to sort me out" said Tegan.
"Yes it is… that's what we do. We have each other's backs no matter what… through good and bad. We sort each other out. You said so yourself a couple of hours ago!" said Sara.
Tegan paced around and put her hands on her ears.
"Let's just drop it… it's killing my vibe" said Tegan and poured herself a glass of red wine.
"Hello Merlot my old friend" said Tegan and took a large gulp.
She started taking food out of the fridge and took another gulp of wine.
"Pace yourself please" said Sara.
Tegan rolled her eyes.
"The problem is Tegan, if you get drunk, I have to take care of you" said Sara.
"I thought that's what we do? Take care of each other" said Tegan sarcastically.
"Tegan just stop it… stop fighting" said Sara.
Tegan stared at her. "Let's get dinner going" she said.
Tegan and Sara had a relatively peaceful dinner. They talked about the new album, everything but release dates. Tegan was still drinking quite a bit and was becoming more and more animated and loud.
"Well I say fuck 'em if they can't recognise brilliance. Who cares about awards anyway" said Tegan loudly after comparing their new album to another artist who was famously snubbed at the Grammy's that year.
"You cared about it plenty when they gave you an Oscar!" laughed Sara.
Tegan gave a big hiccup and walked outside before plonking down on one of the chairs outside.
"We should make a fire" said Tegan.
"Now?" said Sara.
"Yeah why not… I like fires" said Tegan sounding very tipsy.
Tegan started putting logs in the fire pit outside, all while still clinging to her wine glass.
"Give me that" said Sara.
"Nah ahhh" said Tegan holding her hand up in the air.
"You can have it back after you've made your fire" said Sara. Tegan took another gulp of wine and gave a large burp before giving Sara her wine.
"You're disgusting… Put the logs down, I'll light it" said Sara.
"I can light it" said Tegan.
"You're not lighting it… you're way too drunk for that" said Sara.
"I'm not drunk" said Tegan but she was stumbling around between the pile of logs and the fire.
"Sure you're not" said Sara rolling her eyes.
"Check out the moon Sar. It's full" shouted Tegan excitedly.
"Yeah, pretty cool" said Sara.
Tegan started howling at the moon with a glass in one hand and a bottle in the other. She kept howling and laughing.
"Okay, alright! Shut up now…. Losing your shit moment" said Sara.
"Oh party pooper" said Tegan and put some more logs on the fire.
Tegan sat down next to the fire after Sara lit it.
"Aaah this is nice…. Where's my vino?" asked Tegan.
Sara handed her a glass of water. Tegan took a sip and spit it out.
"What the?" she said looking at the glass.
"Drink the water and I'll give you some more wine" said Sara holding the wine bottle up.
"Give me the wine!" said Tegan.
"Drink the water" said Sara.
"Sara I swear if you don't give me my wine right now" said Tegan and walked up to Sara.
Sara jumped back. She started running towards the house to get away from Tegan.
"Sara you little shit" shouted Tegan.
"Sara come on" said Tegan.
She ran into the house but Sara was nowhere to be seen.
"Saraaaa" shouted Tegan. Sara didn't answer.
Tegan fell down onto the couch dramatically and started coughing.
"Sara… help" she shouted. Sara didn't reply.
"Sara…. Sara" Tegan said pretending to wheeze.
Sara came running out of the bedroom.
She dropped the bottle of wine down on the coffee table and fell down onto her knees in front of Tegan.
"Tegan! Tegan, are you okay?" said Sara taking Tegan's face in her hands.
Tegan opened her eyes, sat up and laughed.
"Gotcha" she said and jumped up and grabbed the wine. Sara was livid.
"Dammit Tegan! What the fuck" she shouted.
"Oh calm your tits" said Tegan.
"Tegan you don't fucking joke about your health!" Sara yelled.
"Yeah, yeah" mumbled Tegan and took a swig straight from the bottle.
"I don't believe you" fumed Sara.
Tegan walked outside and plonked back down next to the fire. Sara eventually joined her after regaining her composure inside.
"I'm sorry Sar… that wasn't funny" said Tegan.
Sara shook her head.
"Yeah it wasn't" she said.
"I'm such a fuck up" mumbled Tegan.
"Please don't go there again! You're not a fuck up… you're just a bit inebriated" said Sara.
Tegan stared at the fire. Sara looked at her for a second and saw a tear glistening in the light of the fire.
"Teegs… you see why I didn't want you to drink" said Sara.
"Whatever… I don't need another speech" said Tegan wiping her eyes.
"You're okay" said Sara.
"I'm on such an emotional roller coaster… what the hell is going on with me. I'm starting to think I'm bipolar" said Tegan.
"Tegan you're not bipolar. You're just having a hard time right now" said Sara.
"Aaaaaaaagghhhh… fuuuuck" shouted Tegan as she balled her fists and it echoed into the mountain.
"Well at least your lungs seem nice and strong tonight" laughed Sara. Tegan couldn't help laughing.
"You know Tee, I read somewhere that grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim" said Sara.
"Wow… that's powerful" said Tegan. Sara nodded.
"Can you run that past me again when I'm sober?" said Tegan. Sara laughed.
"No I'm serious" slurred Tegan.
"I think I experienced that with the loss of our two babies… Some days I would be fine and other days I couldn't even get out of bed" said Sara staring at the fire.
Tegan looked at Sara with sad expression on her face.
"Oh Sar… I'm so sorry" said Tegan.
"It's okay… I'm still sad some days. I think about them often. But I got through it, you will too" said Sara.
"I'm so selfish. I sometimes forget that you lost a good friend too. I'm sorry, I know I wasn't there for you" said Tegan.
"You were… you just being alive is being there for me. I miss him too Tegan. Every day… but I know that he would want us to move on… to be happy" said Sara.
"I know… Easier said than done though" said Tegan.
"Let's just… be… look at the stars" said Tegan.
"Yeah, that sounds great" said Sara.
Tegan lay down on the grass.
"You cold?" asked Sara.
"Kind of, yeah" said Tegan.
"I'll get a blanket" said Sara.
"Hey Sar… thanks for getting the blanket, and for taking care of me. You're kinda okay" said Tegan when Sara came back outside.
"Your kinda okay too Tee" laughed Sara.
"Look what I brought you, some peanut butter M&Ms" said Sara.
"Yeeees, I love you!" exclaimed Tegan.
"I love you too" said Sara.
"No I meant I love the M&Ms but yeah, I love you too" laughed Tegan.
Sara heard Tegan's soft snores next to her a few minutes later.
"Oh great… I'm never going to get her to bed like this" mumbled Sara.
She decided to leave her for a while until she was ready for bed herself. She dialled Kate's number.
"Hi baby" said Sara, soft enough not to wake Tegan although she was sure a bomb wouldn't wake Tegan right now.
"Hey sweetie. Am I glad to hear your voice!" said Kate.
"What are you up to?" asked Sara.
"Just got out of an incredibly trying surgery… I'm beat" said Kate.
"Everything go okay?" asked Sara.
"No, not really… it was touch and go but yeah, everything's okay for now. Anyway, how are you guys?" asked Kate.
"Okay… Tegan's drunk" said Sara.
"She's drunk? Um… I don't know if that was such a great idea?" said Kate.
"I know… you try telling her that. She's okay. No breathing problems or anything" said Sara.
"I want you to check her pulse ox before bed okay" said Kate. "Sure hon… she's okay, relax" said Sara.
"Okay… relaxing" said Kate.
"We've had some deep conversations. She's talking and that's good" said Sara.
"As long as she doesn't want to drown her emotions in wine" said Kate.
"Yeah, I get the feeling that's exactly what she wants to do" said Sara.
"Tomorrow is another day hon… one step at a time" said Kate and yawned.
"Okay honeybun… I'm gonna let you go get some rest, you sound exhausted" said Sara.
"Yeah, I have to stay at the hospital tonight. My patient's nowhere near stable enough after the op" said Kate.
"Oh… Your parents okay with Amelia?" asked Sara concerned.
"They're 100% fine with her. Spoke to them few minutes ago and it's smooth sailing all the way" said Kate.
"Okay… are you going home tomorrow though?" asked Sara.
"Probably, don't have a shift tomorrow but…" said Kate before being cut off by Sara.
"Kate no… No buts! I need you to go home. There are other doctors that can handle this. You need to go take care of Am. She must be missing us" said Sara.
"Sara I know but it's not that easy" said Kate.
"It is… actually" said Sara.
"Sar, don't" said Kate.
"Kate… you're not leaving the patient all on her own, you're leaving her with very capable doctors that can do just as much as you can" said Sara sounding annoyed.
"You don't understand Sara" said Kate.
"I understand perfectly fine" said Sara, now angry.
"Your patients are more important that your family" said Sara.
"Sara what the fuck… don't start something silly. You've probably also had too much to drink. We'll talk in the morning" said Kate sounding mad.
"And to think you wanted me to leave Amelia with you when we go on tour…. Maybe she'll start calling the day care lady mommy" fumed Sara.
"Sara just calm down… Its one day, with her loving grandparents not in day care mind you. I'll most likely be back home before lunch time and I'll have the whole afternoon with her" said Kate.
"It's not just this time… this happens over and over… you said you were going to cut down on your hours, now you're adding to them" said Sara.
"Sara… please… this patient, this little girl… she's 3 years old… she's in a critical condition, please Sar… I need to be here, just for the next 12 to 18 critical hours. If she's okay early morning I'll go home early. I promise it's not going to happen every day" said Kate.
"I'm not going to change your mind am I… Just… do whatever you think is best. My opinion doesn't count anyway" sulked Sara.
"When Tegan was in CCU you didn't have any complaints over me spending more hours there than I should" said Kate.
"That's not fair" said Sara.
"I don't know what else to say to you Sara… Please understand that this is what I do… I signed an oath. This is my life. I thought you were okay with that?" said Kate.
"I thought Amelia and I were your life" said Sara softly.
"Sara don't start… you are… Let me rephrase that… this is my living… how I…. oh fuck it Sara… You know you and Amelia are my everything. My every heartbeat. Please baby… I don't want to fight" said Kate, now in tears.
Sara burst out into tears.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry Kate… I had such a fucking stressful day and now I'm taking it out on you. I'm sorry… Please forgive me" cried Sara.
"It's okay baby… shhhh. It's okay… I'm sorry too" said Kate. Sara just sniffed on the other side.
"I know Amelia's fine with your parents. I know you love her more than life and you only want the best for her… I'm sorry" said Sara.
"Hey relax. It's okay. I'm going to try my very best to get home as early as possible tomorrow because I do miss my little princess so much. Maybe the two of us will go out for an ice cream and a walk in the park. You've had a long day, go to bed sweetie" said Kate.
"Okay… if I can wake Tegan up" said Sara.
"How much did she have to drink Sar?" asked Kate.
"Mmm – probably at bottle of wine, maybe more. She's even more of a lightweight now than she used to be" said Sara.
"Jeez… she's going to feel like crap tomorrow. I want you to feel her pulse for me first Sar" said Kate.
Sara did as instructed.
"Feels strong and steady… I think it's about 60" said Sara.
"Okay, she breathing alright?" asked Kate.
"Yeah, no wheezing or anything, just snoring" laughed Sara.
"Alright, go get some water and a cold, wet washcloth and gently put the cloth on her face. When she wakes up get her drink lots of water and give her two ibuprofens. If you manage to get her to bed, take her pulse, BP and sats for me" said Kate.
"Okay… god this was irresponsible… allowing her to drink" said Sara.
"Sar… Tegan doesn't get "allowed" by anyone. She does whatever she wants to. You know that" said Kate.
"I guess… anyway, I better get this done, get her in bed" said Sara.
"I love you Sar… I'm sorry for everything" said Kate.
"I love you too… and you don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry for being unreasonable" said Sara.
"Goodnight hon, please text those vitals through to me. Call me if there's anything else you're worried about" said Kate.
Sara was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling after finally getting Tegan to bed and checking her vitals. Everything seemed okay. Sara listened to the sounds of nature outside and thought about her emotional outburst earlier. She thought about just how lucky she was to have Kate.
"I'm such a bitch" she mumbled and turned the light out.
A/N: Tried a different formatting for this chapter. Let me know if I should stick to it, does it read better? Then – where are all my regular reviewers? Feels as if I'm writing for ghosts again. Please review and let me know if you're still with me!