Chapter 197
Tegan hobbled into the cabin and plonked down onto the couch.
"Put your feet up, I'll go get you an ice pack" said Sara.
"Why are you being so nice?" asked Tegan suspiciously.
"I'm not… I just… do you want the ice pack or not?" asked Sara.
Tegan smiled. "Yes please, thank you Sara"
Sara handed Tegan the ice pack.
"Please fetch me a pillow" said Tegan.
"Okay" sighed Sara and rolled her eyes.
"Sar can I have a cup of tea… please?" asked Tegan when Sara came back with the pillow.
"You're pushing your luck… but okay. And I bought you some lunch in town" said Sara and handed Tegan a paper bag.
"Thanks I'm famished" said Tegan and took a bite of the sandwich.
"Good to see you're eating again" said Sara.
"Uh huh" grunted Tegan.
"You need to phone your wife" said Sara.
"Oh… you spoke to her?" asked Tegan.
"Yeah… She knows about the skydiving by the way" said Sara.
"Jeez Sar… did you have to do that" said Tegan annoyed.
"Yeah I did… did you have to jump out of a plane? Anyway… she phoned me… looking for you! Why aren't you talking to her Tee?" asked Sara.
"Look… Her words were that I don't have to apologise for anything this trip… that I can do exactly what I want" said Tegan.
"I'm just asking" said Sara softly.
"It's just… thing is that… I get tired of explaining myself… of apologising… I know I'm hurting her… I know that… I miss… us, you know?" said Tegan.
"I get it… She'll be there waiting when you're ready Tegan" said Sara.
"Anyway, do you need anything else from the bedroom since I'm going there now" said Sara.
"Just my book please" said Tegan.
"No, no books. We're not here to read, we can read at home. We've got stuff to talk about and right now you can't really run off so it's a great time to get going" said Sara.
"Oh okay then… chill" said Tegan sounding nonchalant but she felt her heart beating faster in her chest at the mere thought of this discussion.
"I'm going outside to phone Kate. If you… need some privacy, now is the time" said Sara.
Lindsey answered after the first ring.
"Hi baby" she said.
"Hey boo" said Tegan.
"How're you doing sweetie… everything okay?" asked Lindsey.
"Uh… yeah everything's okay. How are you guys?" asked Tegan.
"We're good. We miss you though" said Lindsey.
"I miss you soooo much…. Linds… I know you know" said Tegan.
"Know what?" said Lindsey.
"About the skydiving… and I know it was irresponsible and I'm sorry" said Tegan.
Lindsey stayed quiet for a few long seconds.
"Tegan, I told you its fine to do whatever you want on this trip. You don't have to apologise or explain…. But please baby, just be responsible and take care of yourself. I want you back in one piece" said Lindsey.
"Yeah… I understand" said Tegan softly.
"So…. How was it?" asked Lindsey, at least sounding friendly.
"It was amazing babe… it was… Gosh it was incredible, it was beautiful… and thrilling…. and emotional. It was hard… but liberating... Letting… letting him go you know" said Tegan.
"I'm sure Jer would have loved this" said Lindsey.
Tegan gave a wavering sigh. "I needed this… I needed something symbolic you know…. A physical action" said Tegan.
"Yeah, I think you're right. How's your ankle, and very importantly, how's your breathing?" asked Lindsey.
"It hurts, but it's fine. I have an ice pack on it, swelling's going down a bit already" said Tegan.
"Breathing?" asked Lindsey.
"It's fine babe… really… it was sorted out really fast. The doctor checked me out... thoroughly" said Tegan.
"Are you sure?" asked Lindsey.
"Dammit Lindsey… I told you I'm fine!" yelled Tegan, suddenly losing her cool.
Lindsey was quiet on the other side.
"Linds?" said Tegan softly.
Lindsey remained quiet.
"Baby I'm sorry" said Tegan tearing up.
"It's okay Tegan… don't worry its fine" said Lindsey.
"I'm sorry" Tegan repeated.
"I told you not to apologise" said Lindsey loudly.
"I'm…. sorry I was sorry" said Tegan and burst out laughing.
Lindsey took a few seconds but was soon laughing too.
"I love you… always know that" said Tegan when she calmed down.
"Love you too hon… take it easy now okay" said Lindsey
"I will. Sara's got me on the couch with my foot up, on ice… I'm resting" said Tegan.
"Good… you listen to Sara okay" said Lindsey.
Tegan sighed dramatically. "Yes wife" she said.
"Can I say hi to the kids?" said Tegan.
"They're napping sweetie but we'll call you again later this afternoon" said Lindsey.
"Oh… Okay" said Tegan disappointed.
"I promise we'll phone back Boo. Come home soon… in one piece please. No more adrenaline junkie shenanigans" said Lindsey.
"Yeah, of course. Think I had enough thrills for a while" snorted Tegan.
"Can't wait to… well…. thrill you at home hot stuff" joked Lindsey.
"Good, because I'm pretty sure I'll need to be thrilled again by then" joked Tegan.
"I'm counting on it" breathed Lindsey.
"Phew, getting hot in here… I better go, Sara wants to talk business now" said Tegan.
"Okay honey... oh by the way. Kate gave the kids their shots and their exams earlier. Everything's fine, they're perfect. Little small for their age but they're healthy" said Lindsey.
"Awesome! Did they cry a lot?" asked Tegan.
"They did but they got over it pretty fast. Kate said they may be fussy for a day or so but right now they seem just fine" said Lindsey.
"Good... I'm sorry I'm not there" said Tegan.
"It's fine baby... you take all the time you need. We'll be here when you get back" said Lindsey.
"Kiss the kids for me... I love you guys" said Tegan.
"I will. Don't work too hard. Love you… bye" said Lindsey.
"Bye my love" said Tegan.
-o-
Sara sat down on the chair facing Tegan a few minutes later. Tegan adjusted the ice pack on her ankle and looked out of the window while sipping her tea.
"Soooo" said Sara.
"Soooo" said Tegan looking at the ceiling.
"Um… I don't know where to start… but we need to start somewhere" said Sara.
"Okay…. Why don't you just start with asking me what you've been dying to ask me this entire trip… or rather, for the last month" said Tegan.
"What's that?" asked Sara playing dumb.
"If I'm ever going to get my shit together again so we can get on with business" said Tegan.
"And… are you?" asked Sara.
Tegan stayed quiet for a minute, staring at the coffee mug in her hand.
She took a wavering breath.
"I'm going to be honest with you… I'm just going to talk. Bear with me" said Tegan.
"Of course" said Sara.
"Sar… I just… I… I want… um" stammered Tegan.
"Tee just say what you want to say… You don't have to sensor your thoughts or your emotions around me… not this time" said Sara.
"You know I had a really… rough time getting to grips with Jeremy's death. It felt as if my world was pulled out from under me… I don't quite understand why but… I guess it just felt as if everything… every single thing in this world…. Is so fragile… as if…. We don't have any control over anything… as if…. God… forgot me… or if he didn't forget me, he gave me a giant middle finger the last two years you know… Just when… I thought that I was finally understanding things… how things worked… why things happened… that fucking illness happened… and then my kids were sick for so long… I didn't understand that… why would God do that to me… why me you know… Anyway… I was just starting to put everything back into their boxes… perfect… to believe the whole 'what a wonderful world' propaganda again when… life bitch slapped me so hard my head spinned. I never believed in heaven… or rather, an afterlife… until… I guess until I went there. It made me strangely excited… knowing that even after death… there's peace you know…. I just don't understand why we needed to let him go now… why now… Why Sara…. Why would God let him die… and let me live… I don't understand it. And don't give me that God needed another angel bullshit…." said Tegan and looked back out the window.
Sara stayed quiet for a minute. The birds were twirping away merrily. "Tee" she said.
"You don't have to say anything Sara… there's nothing to say. There are no answers, at least, not right now" said Tegan.
"You're gonna get through this Teegs…. I'm sorry, I wish I could do more to help you" said Sara.
"Yeah well…. You're trying and I appreciate that. I think I'm getting there, slowly though. I've… I've made a decision today… when I was falling down to earth. I'm making a conscious decision every day to be happy… to try…. and to let him go… because I know he would want that" said Tegan.
"I'm proud of you Tegan" said Sara.
"Thanks brother… I love you" said Tegan.
-o-
Hours later Tegan and Sara were still in the living room, discussing the future of the band and every possibility around their tour.
"Yeah… sounds good" said Tegan. She had pretty much agreed with everything Sara said in the last hour.
"You're allowed to have an opinion Tee" smiled Sara.
"Right now… I just appreciate you running with this Sara" said Tegan honestly.
"Okay cool. So, are you sure we can call Tom and schedule the launch for two weeks from now? First proper show will probably be a week or two after that and then the full on tour will kick off a couple of weeks later" said Sara.
"Yeah… I'm sure" nodded Tegan trying to convince herself that everything was going to be okay. Truth was, she was terrified.
"Tegan" said Sara and sat down on the couch next to her sister. She put her hand on her shoulder. "It's going to be okay. We're going to be fine. We can do this" she said softly and smiled.
"Sara" said Tegan, her voice breaking. "I'll try my best… I promise… But… I'm scared…. I need you, I need to kick my ass when I lose my shit… I need you to keep telling me its okay. I need you to keep me focused… keep me upright" said Tegan pleadingly.
"You can count on it" said Sara.
"I'm sorry I'm such a mess Sar… It's always something with me…" said Tegan.
"You're not a mess Tegan. Well... maybe you're a bit messy right now but we both love cleaning right" laughed Sara. Tegan laughed and nodded.
"Anyway, I'd like to think that sometimes… life challenges a person for a reason, to find something magnificent inside. The last year has been absolutely incredible for you artistically. I'm so fucking excited to launch this album Tegan because it's amazing. What you did on this album is just…. Phenomenal. It's all you" said Sara starting to become teary.
"Thank you Sara but it's not all me… it's us. I'm not even sure about the part that was me. This album by the way… it's all due to you. If it wasn't for you… I don't think we'd even have this band anymore. You're the one who got me through. And I know… You've been through a lot too Sara… and you always come out fighting on the other side. Sure, I came out too… but I'm a whimpering, welted little flower" said Tegan shaking her head.
"Stop it Tegan… you're the strongest, most incredible person I know. We can do this. You… can… do… this!" said Sara and patted Tegan's knee.
"Yes we can! Fake it till you make it right" smiled Tegan.
"Model through it" laughed Sara.
"Alright…. Thank you Sara" said Tegan and took a large gulp of air. "Tour dates" she said and picked up the calendar.
"Don't worry about that Tegan. That's why we have managers. We just need to figure out when we want to launch, they'll organise the tour after. And then we need to figure out how on earth we're going to drive around the country, or rather, the world… in a bus… with three small kids" smiled Sara.
"Hmmmm – we'll need a double decker for just us" said Tegan.
"Oh yeah, at least! You guys can have the top we'll take the bottom" said Sara.
"It's going to be madness… but fun" laughed Tegan.
"I think we should appoint a nanny of some sort Tee" said Sara.
"What? A nanny? Why? We have plenty of staff that can help us look after them" said Tegan.
"And they all have actual jobs to do Tegan" said Sara.
"Hmmm…. I guess. I'll ask Amy if she's interested" said Tegan.
"I love Amy to bits but I doubt she'll take the job. She's got too many commitments in LA" said Sara.
"Well… Linds is going to be there?" said Tegan.
"Probably not all the time and she's supposed to be working… taking photos of us on stage… so, I don't know Tee. I think we're going to need help" said Sara.
"Okay… we can get somebody. But I want to interview all the candidates and I want criminal record checks and health checks and… fucking mental health checks on them all. Or at least on the three frontrunners. Non-negotiable" said Tegan.
"I'm with you on that. 100%. We seem to be flypaper for freaks these days" laughed Sara.
Tegan's phone rang and she answered immediately. "Monkeys!" she shrieked. Sara smiled and left the room.
-o-
Tegan was up early the next morning and brought Sara a cup of coffee in bed.
"Morning" mumbled Sara.
"Morning, sorry for waking you so early" said Tegan.
"Hmmm what time is it?" grunted Sara.
"Just after six" said Tegan.
"What the hell! I don't do early mornings Tegan" complained Sara.
"Sorry… I thought we could… go down to the river and… you know" said Tegan looking down.
Sara sat upright fast.
"Oh sure, I'm up, I'm up!" said Sara.
"Thanks, I just thought that it's a really nice time of day you know" said Tegan.
"Yeah, sounds good to me. How's your ankle?" said Sara.
"It's okay I guess. Only needed the one crutch just now" said Tegan.
"Cool. I'm glad. How did you sleep?" asked Sara.
"Like a log! For a change! Took one of those tablets Kate gave me before bed time though. Don't know if it was that or the thrill of the skydiving yesterday" said Tegan.
"Or the relief of finally letting go... and finally getting a launch date for the album?" said Sara.
"Or all of it" smiled Tegan.
"Give me 5 minutes to get dressed. We'll have breakfast when we get back" said Sara.
-o-
The short walk down to the river took a while with Tegan struggling to master her crutches.
The morning air was cool and clouds of steam escaped the twins' mouths.
They sat down on a flat rock next to the river. Tegan shivered and rubbed her arms.
"You okay?" asked Sara.
"Yeah, it's just a bit chilly" said Tegan.
They sat in silence for a few minutes.
"Okay... let's do it. You ready?" said Tegan.
"I'm ready when you are" said Sara.
"You do it Sar" said Tegan.
"I don't mind if you do it Tegan" said Sara.
"I've had my turn... with the urn" laughed Tegan and pointed to the sky.
"We'll both do it" smiled Sara.
Tegan unscrewed the urn's cap and got up slowly.
"Do you want to say something? I don't... I've said it all" said Tegan.
Sara took a deep shuddering breath and looked up at the sky.
"Goodbye Jeremy. You were a great friend, a great man. We'll always love you. Rest in peace" said Sara softly. She put her hand on Tegan's and they tilted the urn together. Ash started floating away on the morning breeze.
Tegan wiped her cheeks with her free hand. "Love you Jer" she whispered.
A few seconds later the urn was empty. Tegan sat back down and sighed. Sara turned away from her sister and walked a few steps away from her, up the river. Tegan looked at her sister's shoulders shaking. She closed her eyes and saw Jeremy smiling.
-o-
An hour later Tegan was sitting on the porch sipping tea when Sara joined her.
"So... when should we head back home?" asked Sara.
"Today... tomorrow? Whenever you say Sar" said Tegan.
"I guess we need to start rehearsing" said Sara.
"I guess... I've really enjoyed this time with you Sara. Just us. It helped Sar... it really helped and I'll be forever grateful to you. I miss my wife and kids though" said Tegan.
"You're welcome Tee. And yeah... I miss my wife and kid too. Let's drive back to Vancouver around 2. We can have dinner with the folks and hit the road back to LA tomorrow morning" said Sara.
"Sounds good... one thing though, we never did jam" said Tegan.
"No time like the present" smiled Sara and got up to fetch their guitars.
"We'll have a lot of time in the car!" said Tegan. A day ago she was adamant that she was flying back to LA. She really wasn't up for a road trip.
"It's a full two days of driving Tee. You sure you're up for it?" said Sara.
"Yeah... anyway, I can help drive. I don't use this foot driving" said Tegan.
"Okay... if you're sure" said Sara.
"Sar, let's iron out the details of the launch and the tour and get in some singing practice in the car. We need to figure out what we want to say about this album. It'll be fun" said Tegan.
"Welcome back Tegan" Sara smiled.
A/N: Yes I'm still here! I'm really sorry for the lack of updates recently guys. I've just been having a really rough time at work and I've been sick. Please stick around though and please remember to review.