"I could have saved her."

"No, Cinderpaw. You couldn't have. It was StarClan's will that Silverstream died."

"But I could have saved her, if I had enough time and more herbs – "

"Cinderpaw. You saved the kits. You did your best. That's what every good medicine cat does."

The gray apprentice looked up at her mentor, her usually bright blue eyes dull with grief.

"I could have saved Silverstream, Yellowfang," Cinderpaw insisted. "She died because I didn't do well enough today."

Yellowfang frowned. "Cinderpaw – you have to learn that death is a part of life. Not every patient a medicine cat encounters survives to tell their tale. Besides, no medicine cat can revive a dead cat, no matter how much we wish we could. We simply have to settle for doing our best."

"How do you know? Have you lost patients before, Yellowfang?" Cinderpaw whispered, lowering her gaze to her paws. She tried to mask her shaking sobs. "Do you – do you know how it feels like to lose someone who's so close to living?"

Yellowfang narrowed her amber eyes. "Of course I have, you mouse-brain. I've lost more cats than you can count, or you've ever lost."

Cinderpaw blinked, looking back up at her gray mentor with wide eyes. "Really? But you're so competent. H-how? Who was it?"

Yellowfang looked away from her apprentice, a faraway look in her gaze. "I was younger. A medicine cat apprentice of ShadowClan. A young tom by the name of Cloudpaw was injured in a border fight – he had a large belly wound. He was bleeding heavily, his white pelt was practically blood-red. Every cat in ShadowClan thought he would die that day. My mentor, Sagewhisker, didn't even try to save his life – she thought it was pointless." Yellowfang turned her gaze to the ceiling of the medicine den.

"Did he die?" Cinderpaw asked, a bit hesitant.

"Against everyone's expectations, he didn't. I managed to heal him. It took several days and nights of furious healing, but he lived."

"But you said you lost patients, Yellowfang."

"A little patience, please, Cinderpaw. Moons later – after Cloudpaw became a warrior by the name of Cloudpelt, and then became deputy of ShadowClan – he was injured, yet again. He was wounded in another border scuffle; this time it was his throat that was bleeding. I tried my best as I had done when he was an apprentice. But he died that night. He'd lost too much blood. Brokentail became deputy after him… and became Brokenstar a few moons after." Yellowfang lowered her head.

"I often think back to Cloudpelt whenever I fail. Like when I didn't manage to stop Brokenstar from apprenticing kits before the age of six moons and when I failed to heal those kits – I lostthem to death. Cinderpaw, I wish so much that they could have lived. I failed to stop Brokenstar from continuing his treachery. So many young kits, full of potential and full of life, lost their lives. Spottedleaf died. Lionheart died."

Cinderpaw couldn't help it; she let out a small sob at that last name. Yellowfang took a deep breath before continuing.

"I failed so many times. I wish so often that it could have been different. It would most certainly have been different. If I had foreseen what would happened to Cloudpelt, I would most certainly have stopped that young tom from going on the patrol that day. It could have been possible that Brokentail might have never been leader. Cloudpelt just might have become Cloudstar, proud, great, renowned leader of ShadowClan, had he lived. ShadowClan may have not lost those kits. They may have grown to be great warriors. I may have never come to ThunderClan. But more than often, we don't know what will happen with each choice we make. You couldn't have known what would have happened today, Cinderpaw."

"Still, I could have saved her." Cinderpaw muttered stubbornly. Yellowfang glanced at the young molly, who had her shoulders hunched.

"Cinderpaw." Cinderpaw looked up at Yellowfang, who looked back at her. The older medicine cat wrapped her tail soothingly around her apprentice, golden eyes warm. "Cinderpaw, Silverstream's death wasn't your fault. Do not blame yourself for what happened today at Sunningrocks. You did your best, and you couldn't have seen what would happen. Do you understand me?"

Cinderpaw hunched her shoulders, but the dullness in her eyes started to dissipate, replaced with the usual spark. "I'll try to understand, Yellowfang. I don't yet, but I'll do my best."

"I know you do, Cinderpaw. Now go sort those herbs I told you to do earlier, will you?"

"Yes, Yellowfang."