Chapter 205
Tegan hopped out into the driveway on her crutches to welcome Kate and Sara for dinner. She had become quite an expert with the crutches.
"Hey guys" she smiled.
"Hi, you seem to be feeling a bit better!" said Kate.
"Yeah so much better thanks" said Tegan.
"Spoke to Dr Torres earlier, she said you're doing just fine. Few more days of rest and then you can start using it again" said Kate.
"Yup… all good" said Tegan. She tried to pick up some kind of sign to indicate how Kate's hearing went earlier that day but couldn't.
"So, how was your day?" asked Tegan.
"Good, lots of tour prep" said Sara.
Tegan rolled her eyes, she wasn't asking Sara.
"Kate? How was your first day back?" asked Tegan.
"Really good, removed a crayon from a patient's nose today. That's mad skills right there" joked Kate and greeted Lindsey and the kids.
Dinner was chilled and Kate and Sara were all over each other. Tegan tried to ignore it, thinking that it was probably due to the fact that they would not be seeing each other for a long time. Kate was in a great mood so Tegan assumed that the hearing went well and that everything was cool.
"Tegan, we need to talk" said Sara.
"Oh yeah? About what? Thought we're talking right now?" said Tegan already becoming a bit defensive.
"Tegan… Kate and I feel that… that you need somebody to keep an eye on you during this tour… We're appointing a doctor to go on tour with us" said Sara.
"What… the fuck… are you on about?" said Tegan looking defensive.
"You heard me" said Sara.
"Are you out of your mind" said Tegan.
"Why?" said Sara.
"I'm fine Sara, I don't need a babysitter" said Tegan.
"Yeah but… I don't want something like… that, to ever happen again. What if you... or I get sick" said Sara.
"Sara... I… I think we know what to look out for this time. Anyway nobody's getting sick" said Tegan annoyed.
"Tegan… a doctor is coming with us… end of story" said Sara.
"Dammit Sara… stop treating me like a child… like an invalid… stop it, stop it!" shouted Tegan like a lunatic.
"You're going to wake up the kids" said Lindsey calmly.
"Sara… you…. you" said Tegan pointing her finger at her sister at a loss for words.
"Well I for one am all for it" said Lindsey.
"Are you kidding me?" said Tegan.
"Babe I never want to be as scared as I was when you were sick… I just want you healthy. I'd rather have a professional with us" said Lindsey.
"I'm not getting sick again… can everybody just calm their tits. And even if I do, we'll go to the ER for fuck sakes" yelled Tegan.
"Or we can just get a professional to go with us" said Sara stubbornly.
Sara burst out laughing. Tegan looked at her, chin quivering and burst into tears.
"Fuck" whispered Sara getting up.
"Too far Sar" said Kate shaking her head.
"Tegan… Teeeee" said Sara getting up and sitting down next to her sobbing sister.
"Tee listen…. I'm kidding" said Sara.
Tegan just buried her face in her arms on the table.
"Tegan listen to me" said Sara.
Tegan jumped up, grabbed her crutches and stormed out of the room as fast as she could.
"Dammit" whispered Sara and followed Tegan to the bathroom.
"Tee… open up" said Sara.
"No sorry I can't… I'm on the floor incapacitated and I need a doctor" said Tegan sarcastically.
"Tegan just calm down…. I'm kidding okay… just come out so we can talk to you" said Sara.
Nothing happened.
"Tegan I'm sorry…. I know you're fine to tour… please just come out" said Sara.
"Fuck off" said Tegan inside.
Kate came walking up to Sara. Sara threw her hands up and shook her head. "Hope she's not going to be this over sensitive the whole tour" said Sara and rolled her eyes. Kate didn't reply.
"Tegan… hey buddy, it's Kate. We're coming in okay" said Kate before slowly opening the door.
Tegan was sitting on the closed toilet sulking.
"Tee… sorry. It was a stupid joke okay. Look we have good news to share. Please come back to the table?" asked Sara on her haunches in front of Tegan.
"I'm sorry… I over reacted. I guess it's okay if we take some kind of medical person" said Tegan softly while looking down. She suddenly seemed embarrassed about her outburst.
"Come back to the table" said Sara softly.
"Okay… give me a minute" said Tegan.
Sara and Kate left the bathroom.
"Baby? You okay?" asked Lindsey coming into the bathroom.
"Yeah…" said Tegan and cleared her throat. "I'll be out in a minute" she said and grabbed her crutches.
"What the fuck was that?" said Sara to Kate in the living room.
"Sara… maybe you took the joke a bit too far. You know Tee's sensitive about her health. She wants to and needs to believe that she's okay" said Kate.
Tegan came back into the room and sat down on the couch and put her foot up.
"Tegan" said Sara.
"I'm listening" said Tegan without looking at Sara.
Sara walked around the couch and sat down next to her twin.
"Kate…. um… she's been suspended for six months" Sara blurted out.
Kate sighed and sat down.
"What the hell? Why? Because you decked that asshole?" said Tegan suddenly up in arms.
"Uh huh" grunted Kate.
"But… how can they do that?" asked Tegan looking confused.
"They can and they have Tee… listen don't worry… it's okay" said Kate.
"No it's not… fuck them. You can appeal right? I can testify for you or something" said Tegan.
"Tegan I'm not appealing…. I want the break… I want to go on tour with you guys. It's actually working out great" smiled Kate.
Tegan put her head in her hands and exhaled slowly.
"I'm confused… should I be happy or mad?" said Tegan.
"We had the same problem" laughed Sara. "But we're happy" she continued.
Tegan eventually calmed down and was now excitedly talking about the tour.
"We've got the nanny interviews tomorrow Sar, don't forget" said Tegan.
"You guys don't need a nanny anymore, I'll be there" said Kate.
"Yeah but… sometimes I would want you to just… be there with me… watch me from side stage. Go out for dinner or after show drinks. You're not the babysitter Kate" said Sara.
"I don't mind" said Kate.
"I know you don't mind…. I do" said Sara and kissed Kate playfully.
"Okay… it's your tour budget" said Kate.
"I agree, we can afford a few more luxuries this time" said Tegan.
"Speaking of which, you should see our cool bus for Europe. Getting one of those for the US tour too" laughed Sara.
"Yup, no more bunk beds for us. Double beds baby" said Tegan and kissed Lindsey.
"Who's sharing with us?" said Lindsey.
"Just the four of us and the kids babe" said Tegan.
"It's going to be one noisy bus" laughed Lindsey.
"Well they've booked planes and hotels wherever possible so that should make it a bit more manageable" said Sara.
An hour later Kate picked up her sleeping daughter and put her safely in her car seat.
"See you tomorrow morning for rehearsal Tee" said Sara heading for the door.
"No… tomorrow afternoon" said Tegan.
"Tegan we need to rehearse" said Sara.
"And we will, tomorrow afternoon" said Tegan.
"What are you doing in the morning?" asked Sara.
"None of your business really" said Tegan sounding annoyed.
"When you get secretive I worry…. Because last time you did you almost broke a leg" said Sara.
"Oh for God's sake… I'm getting a new tattoo" said Tegan rolling her eyes.
"Oh…. What are you getting?" asked Sara.
"Again…. None of your business" said Tegan.
"What the hell is up with you today?" asked Sara defensively.
"Nothing…. Sorry" mumbled Tegan and looked away.
"Please just let me know what time to expect you…. Go get some rest, maybe your mood will improve" said Sara.
-0-
"What is up with her?" asked Sara as the car pulled away.
"You know her best… what do you think it is" said Kate.
Sara was quiet for a minute. "She's nervous… she gets this way when she's anxious" she finally said.
"Sure she is. Aren't you?" said Kate.
"This must bring back some memories she would rather let go of... It does for me" said Sara.
Sara's phone rang and she looked at the screen. "Tegan" she said to Kate.
Kate just lifted her eyebrows, parked the car and removed Amelia from her carseat.
"Hey Tee" said Sara.
"Sara… hi. I… I just wanted to say… that I'm sorry, for being so all over the show today" said Tegan.
"That's okay… apology accepted. And I'm sorry for pushing your buttons" said Sara.
"Okay cool…. I forgive you" laughed Tegan.
"See you tomorrow Tee" said Sara.
"Hey Sara… I was thinking, if you're not doing anything tomorrow morning…. Maybe you could come with to the tattoo place. Maybe you can get one too" said Tegan.
"Tee I… thanks but… there's a lot of work and…." said Sara.
"Okay no problem… just thought that it would be a nice thing to do together. You haven't gotten a new tat in ages" said Tegan.
"Lindsey not going with?" said Sara.
"She has a shoot tomorrow. Amy's staying with the kids. You can bring Amelia? Oh sorry… you said you're not coming" said Tegan.
"Actually Tee…. Bugger that. Sure... I'll come with you" said Sara looking at Kate gently putting down Amelia in her crib and softly kissing her cheek.
"Great… can you come around here at 8.30" asked Tegan.
"Okay, see you tomorrow" said Sara and hung up.
"There's nothing that makes my heart beat faster, my face flush, my head spin than seeing you in soft mom mode" said Sara.
Kate walked up to Sara and put her arms around her waist. "Shall we pick it up where we left off this afternoon" she whispered.
"I can't get enough of you" breathed Sara into Kate's hair. Her already erect and waiting nipples and soaked through panties begging her to stop wasting time. "Well you'll be getting a lot more of me soon" smiled Kate. "I'm wet for you…. I want you… I need you" whispered Sara.
-o-
Tegan lay in bed reading her book while Lindsey was finishing up in the bathroom. She put the book down on her lap and stared out in front of her for a minute. "Boo… are you almost done? I miss you" she called out.
Lindsey came out of the bathroom and sat down next to Tegan.
"You okay?" she asked softly and put her hand on Tegan's cheek.
"Yeah… of course I am" said Tegan.
"You just seemed…. I don't know… really emotional today" said Lindsey.
"I don't know… maybe I'm PMSing" said Tegan and turned her face away.
"You know what… I was so busy today. Working on the launch and the tour and stuff and then suddenly it hit me… We're really doing this without Jer. And suddenly it all just came back like a ton of bricks… Before the original launch I was fine, knowing he would be there to take care of us... Now... I don't know... I miss him... thought I was over this" said Tegan.
"Baby I think it's understandable that you're going to have good days and bad days… just take it one at a time" said Lindsey holding Tegan's hand.
"And then… Sara's fucking joke…. I guess I got upset because deep down I knew that there was some truth to this… I was somehow…. Relieved when I heard Kate's coming with… as defensive as I was before. I'm scared Linds… I'm really scared. I don't know if I'll be able to do this. Touring is gruelling you know… I just don't want to get sick again…. I can't get sick again" said Tegan, tears building up in her eyes.
"You're not going to get sick again Tee… Kate's going to be there to make sure of that okay. And I'm there and I'm going to take such excellent care of you. I'm going to make sure they feed you healthy food… that you get your rest…. That you don't stress" smiled Lindsey and kissed Tegan' hand.
Tegan just nodded through her tears.
"You're going to be fine my angel" said Lindsey.
"I don't deserve you" whispered Tegan.
Lindsey slowly moved closer to Tegan until her cheek touched her wife's.
"I love you… I'm here for you" she whispered.
Tegan turned Lindsey's face towards her and softly started kissing her. "This is my safe space… my happy place… in your arms… feeling your skin on mine… your breath in my neck. I adore everything about you" whispered Tegan and slowly unbuttoned Lindsey's shirt.
-o-
The next morning Tegan was pensive during the ride to the tattoo parlor in Venice.
"You sleep well?" asked Sara.
"Yeah, slept great thanks. You?" asked Tegan.
"Hmmm not really, couldn't fall asleep. Too much running through my mind" said Sara.
"Probably helped that I was on some pretty powerful pain meds" smiled Tegan.
"You're still taking those?" asked Sara surprised.
"Uh… yeah. I'm still in pain" said Tegan and rolled her eyes.
"Okay… just asking" said Sara. Thoughts were suddenly racing through her head.
Tegan came out of one of the tattoo booths later that morning and found Sara already done, waiting for her in the reception area.
"Hey, you okay? You look a bit pale" said Sara.
"Oh… I'm fine" said Tegan.
"Can I see?" asked Sara.
Tegan showed Sara her new tattoo on her once blank wrist. Two arrows crossed to make an X. The letters C and R was in the left and right corners where the arrows crossed and the letter J in the top corner.
"It's been long overdue to get these three letters inked on me" smiled Tegan.
"It's really cool Tee… I love it. Does the arrows have meaning?" said Sara.
"Yeah they do… it's… it's just something Jer left me with" said Tegan thinking of Jeremy's last gift and letter to her. Sara didn't push her any further.
"What did you get?" asked Tegan.
Sara started pulling up her T-shirt.
"Oh no my eeeeyes…. Do I really want to see this" joked Tegan.
Sara laughed and shook her head. Right under her left breast, over her heart was an anchor with two letters in cursive in the anchor line. "K" and "A". It wasn't a large tattoo but the lettering was clear and precise.
"Wow… that's absolutely gorgeous. Does this mean you guys are really an item now" laughed Tegan.
"Shut up!" laughed Sara.
"Let's go get some work done for a change" laughed Tegan and walked up to where the security guard was waiting for them and walked back to the car.
Tegan and Sara were chatting as they walked when suddenly a guy came running up to them and tried to hug Tegan who wasn't too steady on her crutches and stumbled backward and fell onto her bum. "I love you guys… I love you" the guy yelled.
"Get away from her… get away from her!" Sara yelled like a lunatic.
The security guard threw the guy against the wall in one fast movement. "Cool it" he yelled.
"Sara! I'm okay… Sar… calm down. I just lost my balance" said Tegan as she was helped up by the bodyguard.
Sara was in tears on her knees.
"Sara… come on get up… let's go home" said Tegan. Sara had her head in her hands and was sobbing hysterically.
"Sara… it's okay…. It's okay" Tegan repeated over and over.
"I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you… I'm sorry" said the guy who was now being escorted away from the twins.
"You didn't… it's okay" said Tegan looking up at the guy.
"Are you hurt? Tegan are you okay?" Sara cried.
"I'm not hurt… I just lost my balance, I'm okay" said Tegan
Sara was shaking and got up looking embarrassed.
"I need to get out…. I need to get out of here" said Sara.
Tegan handed her one crutch to the guard and put her arm protectively around her twin and led her to the car with some difficulty.
"Come on… it's okay Sar just breathe" said Tegan.
"Fuck… fuck… I'm sorry…. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak out" said Sara.
The car pulled away Sara tried to control her breathing.
"That scared me so much… dammit… Tee…." said Sara.
"Yeah Sar"
"What am I going to do on tour?" said Sara.
"You're going to be fine" said Tegan.
"You know how our fans can go on… every time somebody screams or comes close to me… or you, I'm going to fucking lose it" said Sara.
"Sara… I don't know… I don't have the answer. But I think you should go see Violet. I know, you thought you were fine, but obviously you're not. Sar, you need some coping mechanisms" said Tegan.
"I know" said Sara softly.
"So… does that mean you'll go?" asked Tegan with her hand on Sara's back.
"Yeah… I'll go" said Sara.
"I'll call her right away… I think she'll make time for you this afternoon" said Tegan and started dialing.
A few minutes later Sara was staring out of the window with her fist in front of her mouth.
"Stop the car please" said Sara suddenly.
"Sar? You okay?" asked Tegan.
"Yeah just stop the car… I just need a moment, just stop the car" yelled Sara.
"Jim… stop the car please… I said stop the car…. In this parking lot will be fine… stop the car and wait outside" said Tegan. The car stopped and the guard got out.
"Fuck that guy… and you know what… fuck that asshole that kidnapped us and tried to kill us…. Fuck them… fuck them… because they fucked me up!" Sara shouted at the top of her voice.
"That's it Sar… get it out" said Tegan with her hand on Sara's back.
Sara screamed again… "I hate them! I hate them so much!" screamed Sara.
"I know… its okay…. its okay" said Tegan and took Sara in her arms.
Tegan just held Sara for a few minutes in silence and rubbed her back up and down.
"You know what? I thought that I was okay... I was so scared that this would come between me and Kate you know... that I wouldn't want her to touch me... but it's been the opposite. Every time she touches me it's as if she's erasing what he's done a bit more. I crave her touch... her next to me because it's the one place I feel safe. Sorry... oversharing I know" said Sara in a defeated tone.
"I'm so happy you have her there for you Sara. And I'm so happy you'll have here there for you on tour" said Tegan.
-o-
Half an hour later Tegan and Sara sat down in the waiting room at Violet's office. Violet came walking out and hunched in front of Sara.
"Sara… would it be okay with you if I had a quick word with Tegan before we get started?" said Violet.
"Sure, no problem… take all the time you need" said Sara staring out in front of her.
Tegan stepped into Violet's office.
"Talk to me Tegan… what's going on?" said Violet.
"We're both fucked… that's what's going on. We're fucked in the head and we're about to launch the biggest album of our career and go on tour and we're…. we're…. we're not okay. I don't think we're okay to do this" said Tegan with her hands in the air.
"Why's that Tegan? I thought that we made so much progress in our last few sessions" said Violet.
"So did I… and then… yesterday I just freaked out… I…. I don't want to get sick…. And I don't want anybody to hurt Sara… and I don't know what to do because I… I cannot… control this. I need to control this" said Tegan pacing up and down.
"Sara is scared…. Sara… actually, you know what the problem is…. Sara thought she was fine… but she's not fine… she's not fine Violet… she's petrified… and that scares me" blabbered Tegan.
"Okay Tegan just try your best to calm down for a minute" said Violet.
Tegan sat down with her head in her hands.
"Deep breaths… That's it… everything's going to be okay…. now tell me what triggered this" said Violet.
Twenty minutes later Tegan came out of Violet's office looking drained.
"Tegan? Are you okay?" asked Sara jumping up.
"Yeah, I think I am" Tegan smiled weakly.
"Your turn… it's going to be okay Sar… I promise… you're okay… we're okay" said Tegan.
-o-
Tegan sat in the waiting room waiting for Sara for two hours. She didn't read… she just stared out in front of her thinking. Violet came walking out of the office without Sara and sat down next to Tegan.
"She okay?" asked Tegan sounding scared.
"She's going to be okay Tegan. We had a really good session. I do want to see her quite a few times in the next few days. That goes for you too of course" said Violet.
"Of course… I'll make sure she sticks to her appointments. Where is she?" asked Tegan.
"She's still in my office, she's just taking a few minutes to pull herself together. I have to go but you can go see her, she's asking for you" said Violet.
"Thank you… really, thank you so much. I appreciate it" said Tegan and got up.
Tegan found Sara still lying on the couch, her arm over her eyes. She sat down next to her without a word and simply patted her thigh.
"Tee" said Sara and took her arm away from her eyes.
"I'm here" said Tegan.
"Thank you for making me come" said Sara.
"Sara… You went through a lot… and it's okay to feel things… I know you're scared and frustrated. I am too. But you know what? I know that we're going to be okay. We'll be fine because we have each other… when the one falls the other is right there to help her up. We have each other's backs. I'm here for you Sara… always" said Tegan.
"Thank you Tegan… but what happens when we both fall" said Sara softly.
"Then we get up… we fucking dust ourselves off and we get up… anyway Sar, we're not alone… we've got the most amazing partners in the world. We've got fantastic friends, great kids, supportive parents. I think that a couple of months from now we're going to be looking back at ourselves and…" said Tegan
"And what? Laugh? I doubt it" said Sara.
"No not laugh, but patting ourselves on the back perhaps. You're strong Sara… I'm strong… we'll be fine" said Tegan.
"Quin for the win huh" said Sara.
"Quin for the win" smiled Tegan and gave Sara a fist pump.