Chapter 208

Tegan started off the day in a great mood but got progressively more anxious and moody as the day went on.

After the magazine interviews at the hotel Sara turned to Tegan. "Can you lighten up for TV please?" said Sara.

"What are you on about?" asked Tegan defensively.

"I don't know… you just seem moody… short answers..." said Sara.

"I just don't have that much to say" said Tegan.

"Well that's a first" said Sara sarcastically.

"Fuck off Sara" said Tegan grabbing her bag and heading out the door.

When Tegan walked out of the front door of the hotel she was greeted by masses of paparazzi. Suddenly everybody wanted a piece of them. People were screaming and pushing for Tegan's attention. "Jeez…" said Tegan and stepped back into the safety of the hotel. She was suddenly breathing fast, looking nervous. Sara and Kate came walking down the stairs.

"Tee?" said Sara and put her hand on Tegan's shoulder.

Tegan put her hand in front of her mouth.

"What's happening?" asked Sara looking concerned.

"There's a crazy mob outside" said Tegan.

Kate looked out of the window. "Security's holding them back Sar" said Kate.

"Guess this comes with a number one album right" said Lindsey walking into the room.

"Let's go… this is fine" said Tegan and walked out of the door. Security scrambled behind her.

"Tegan! How does it feel to have a number one record? Tegan over here!"

Tegan stopped and held her hands up. "Shhh one at a time please" she said.

"How does it feel Tegan?" asked one of the guys.

"It feels… fucking amazing" smiled Tegan and walked on.

Sara was standing in the hotel looking at the spectacle unfolding outside. She took deep breaths to try and calm herself down. "Sar… it's okay… it's just media. You can do this. I'm right here with you… security is right here with you…. You're safe" said Kate and kissed Sara's forehead.

"Yeah… I'm good… let's do this" said Sara. She took Kate's hand and walked out the door.

Tegan was talking to some reporters. "We're really excited thanks. Can't wait to get on the road" said Tegan slowly walking to the van chatting. Sara walked as fast as she could without looking suspicious until she reached the safety of the van. Sara looked at her sister amazed.

The crowd was getting restless and starting pushing towards Tegan.

"Sorry I need to go now… sorry" mumbled Tegan and jogged to the van. She hastily got into the van and closed her eyes letting out a deep breath. The van pulled away but reporters were still crowding the vehicle.

"You did great out there Boo" said Lindsey as the van drove off.

"Change of plans ladies. We're doing that interview where you're going to play first" said Tom.

"Oh…" said Tegan suddenly looking petrified.

"First time live for the new single. Good luck Tee" said Sara, suddenly very happy that the first single off the album was one of Tegan's songs.

The van drove away and Tegan stared out of the window, breathing faster and faster. She patted around her pants pockets for her inhaler. Nobody noticed, Lindsey was on the phone to Sonia and Kate and Sara were talking in front of Tegan.

Tegan shook the inhaler and took a large puff. Sara's neck snapped around when she heard the familiar puff.

"Tegan… are you okay?" asked Sara.

"Yeah… I just… I need Gerty… I left her at home… I really need my guitar" said Tegan using her nickname for her favourite guitar.

"Tee… we've got plenty of guitars. Ted's already there setting everything up" said Sara.

"I want Gerty. Please Sar… Please… can we stop at home and pick her up" said Tegan.

"No Tegan… it's out of our way" said Sara.

"It's like two minutes out of the way Sar…. Please" begged Tegan.

"Tegan… jeez it's just a guitar. What's the big deal" said Sara.

"Please, I need that guitar to play live… please Sara it's my security blanket. Please" said Tegan sounding completely desperate.

"Don't be ridiculous Tegan" said Sara.

Tegan put her face in her hands and started sobbing.

"Oh great" mumbled Sara.

Tegan took another puff from her inhaler while wiping her tears away.

"Sar… is it really such a big deal. Let's just go get it" said Kate softly.

"Sara… please. She's really upset" said Lindsey with her hand on Tegan's back.

"Oh for god's sake… okay… Tom can we go past Tegan's house" said Sara.

"We literally have 3 minutes at the house Tegan" said Tom.

"Yeah okay… I'll be really fast… thank you" said Tegan looking sheepish.

"I'll phone mom to bring it out" said Sara.

"No… I'll go get it" said Tegan.

"Tegan we're pressed for time" said Sara annoyed.

"Yeah well… my bladder's pressed too" said Tegan.

"Oh jeez… now you want a bathroom break too… I thought we're just stopping for the fucking guitar" said Sara now super annoyed.

"I'm sorry Sara… I'll be fast" said Tegan softly while wiping her eyes.

"Okay… just stop crying for fuck sakes" said Sara annoyed.

"Babe" said Kate to Sara pulling a face showing that she disapproved.

"Boo just calm down now…. Take deep breaths… it's okay, you're going to be okay" said Lindsey trying to soothe Tegan.

The van stopped pulled up in front of Tegan's house and Tegan opened the door before the vehicle was even at a standstill.

"Whoa hang on" said Kate keeping the sliding door closed.

Tegan stumbled out of the van.

"Tegan, keys" said Lindsey and threw the keys to Tegan. Tegan dropped the keys and looked flustered.

She picked the keys up and tried to put the key into the keyhole but her hands were shaking so bad that she eventually just pressed the doorbell.

Sonia opened the door a few seconds later. "Tegan! What are you doing here?" asked Sonia.

"Just… forgot something. Sorry mom, we're in a mad rush" said Tegan pushing her way past Sonia. She rushed to the bedroom, opened the cupboard door, reached under her folded t-shirts and grabbed the bottle of pain pills. She closed her eyes, relieved and held the bottle against her chest. She gave a shuddering sigh.

"Babe… you get your guitar?" asked Lindsey behind her. Tegan jumped. "No… Um… thought it was in the cupboard but it's not" lied Tegan.

"Tee bear… just calm down" said Lindsey.

"Yeah… I need the loo" said Tegan and walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

"I'll grab the guitar. Hurry up okay Sara's freaking out" said Lindsey.

Tegan's hands were shaking as she struggled to open the bottle. "Come the fuck on" she mumbled. The bottle snapped open and a couple of tablets fell onto the floor. "Dammit" whispered Tegan and went down on her knees in search of the tablets. She quickly put them into the container. She put one in her mouth and swallowed followed by a glass of water.

"Tee come on, I've got the guitar" yelled Lindsey.

"Coming!" said Tegan looking in the mirror. She straightened her shirt and her hair. "Pull yourself together Quin" she breathed and walked back to the van. As she reached the living room both Casey and Ryan spotted her and came running to her. "Mama… mama" they both called out with their arms in the air to be picked up.

"Sorry guys Mama's got to run" said Tegan.

"Come on guys… come with grandma" said Sonia attempting to pull them off Tegan's legs. Ryan started screaming. "Mamaaaaa" he yelled trying to wriggle his way out of his grandmother's arms.

"Hey big guy… it's okay I'll be back soon" said Tegan.

"Tegan I've got this… just go" said Sonia.

"Sorry… sorry big guy sorry" said Tegan looking emotional.

-o-

"You took your time" said Sara sounding bored.

"Sorry… I needed the toilet and the kids didn't want to let me go" said Tegan and sunk down in her seat. She put her head back and closed her eyes.

Kate turned around a looked at Tegan who seemed to be calming down now. Tegan opened her one eye and saw Kate looking at her.

"What?" she said.

"Nothing" Kate shook her head and looked away.

Tegan seemed a lot more relaxed by the time they reached the TV studio.

"You okay?" asked Sara as they walked into the building.

"I'm good, no problem" said Tegan calm as a cucumber suddenly.

"You sure, you were pretty upset earlier" said Sara.

"Yeah, I… pulled myself together. Sorry Sara, that little scene was uncalled for" said Tegan.

"Well at least you have you guitar" said Sara.

"You don't need to be sarcastic you know" said Tegan.

"I'm not… you're just being over sensitive" said Sara and stopped walking to wait for Kate.

"Everything okay?" asked Kate, out of earshot of Tegan.

"Don't know, I think so…. She's just so up and down these days" said Sara.

"Uh huh" grunted Kate.

"And before you say it… yes, I know I am too so I'm going to let it go… it's just nerves" said Sara.

Kate put her arm around Sara's waist. "I guess so" she said and kissed Sara's hair.

"Missing work yet?" asked Sara.

"Oh hell no, I'm loving all this. I find it all very exciting and interesting" said Kate.

"Yeah right" laughed Sara.

"I do… seriously" said Kate.

Tegan walked ahead of everybody else. She was wearing her sunglasses and had her hands in her pockets. An assistant led her to the set where Ted was already done setting up the instruments.

"Hey Ted…. Change of plans… please plug Gerty in and tune her for me" said Tegan.

"I've just finished this" said Ted sounding annoyed.

"I want to play this guitar… it's not a request, it's an order…. Thank you" said Tegan and handed Ted the guitar looking moody. She turned around and walked to the dressing room.

"Sorry about that… made us go all the way back home to pick it up" said Sara rolling her eyes.

"No problem… She okay?" asked Ted.

"Yeah… she's fine" said Sara.

Tegan plonked down on a couch in the dressing room and closed her eyes. The pain meds were kicking in and her head felt light and airy. She felt herself slowly relaxing, the petrifying thoughts performing on TV slowly turning into chilled happy ones.

"Miss Quin, they're ready for you in makeup" said an assistant to Sara a while later.

"Thanks, we'll be there in a minute" said Sara.

"Tegan, let's go" said Sara.

Tegan didn't move.

"Tegan wake up!" said Sara louder this time.

"Whaaat!" mumbled Tegan sitting up.

"Come on… make up's ready for us" said Sara.

"Ugh…. Okay" said Tegan groggily.

"Teegs… you okay?" asked Kate sounding worried.

"Yeah… just tired" sighed Tegan and got up.

She stumbled over her bag on the floor.

"Whoops" said Kate and caught Tegan's arm.

"Boo… you alright?" said Lindsey.

"Yeeees! Can you guys please just calm your tits… just the one tit each though… the other tit's your party tit" said Tegan and burst out laughing.

"What the fuck?" mouthed Sara to Kate.

"Excuse us a minute guys" said Kate.

Sara looked at Kate suspiciously.

"Let's go Linds" she eventually said.

"No… I'm not going anywhere" said Lindsey.

"Please Linds, we'll be out in just a minute" smiled Kate.

Sara and Lindsey reluctantly left the dressing room.

"What did you take Tegan?" asked Kate.

"What do you mean?" said Tegan defensively.

"What did you take?" repeated Kate.

Tegan stayed quiet looking backed into a corner.

"Pills Tee... what pills did you take?" said Kate loudly, grabbing Tegan's arm.

"I took… one of the pain pills that YOU gave me" said Tegan yanking her arm away.

"Only one? When?" asked Kate.

"After we stopped at home" said Tegan.

Kate took Tegan's face in her hands and looked into her eyes. She pulled her eyelids down. Tegan's pupils were slightly bigger than they should be.

"Are you sure you only took the one today" said Kate.

"Fuck it Kate… why are you treating me like a drug addict… I took only one pill because I was in pain" said Tegan.

"Okay… you seem a bit whoozy though" said Kate.

"I'm fine… these just sometimes… hit me a bit harder than other times. Haven't eaten much today" said Tegan.

"Okay Tee… I'm sorry about that… please, eat something… like right now" said Kate.

"No problem" said Tegan and walked towards the door.

"Tegan… please tell me if anything feels out of whack" said Kate.

"Yes mother" said Tegan and rolled her eyes walking out.

-o-

Tegan felt much more coherent after having something to eat and did great in both the interview and the performance. Sara gave her a pat on the shoulder.

"Really good job Tee" said Sara.

"Thank you. Glad it's out of the way" smiled Tegan.

"Well if you were nervous you didn't really show it" said Sara.

"Oh I did… that guitar rant?" laughed Tegan.

"I'm sorry I gave you shit about that Tegan. I understand that… sometimes… we just need to do what we need to do to get through" said Sara.

Tegan looked away, suddenly feeling guilty. She told herself that she didn't lie to anybody. She got the pills from a doctor and she was taking them as prescribed.

"No problem… let's get going, two more for the day and then we can go chill with the kids" smiled Tegan.

The girls got home slightly earlier than the previous day that evening.

"Monkeys! Mommy's home. Where are you two silly things!" Tegan called.

The kids came running out of the playroom into her arms.

"Hey guys… see I told you we'll be back soon" said Tegan on her knees hugging the kids.

Sara took Amelia from her mom.

"Looks as if your ankle is feeling better?" said Sonia when she saw Tegan kneeling quite comfortably.

"Uh… yeah. It's a little better thanks" said Tegan.

Tegan was relieved that Kate wasn't around to see or hear that. She got up and faked a bit of a limp to the living room.

"You guys want to stay for dinner. Let's have a barbeque" said Lindsey. Tegan didn't seem impressed but she went with it to avoid being rude.

"Thank you, we've hardly had any time with mom since she's been here" said Sara.

-o-

Tegan sat next to the outside fire pit staring into the fire with both her kids in her arms. They were both tired from a busy day and sat quietly for a change. Sara and Kate were taking to Sonia a few feet away.

"Everything okay? You seem distant" said Lindsey taking Tegan's hand.

"Yeah… just…. thinking" smiled Tegan.

Lindsey kissed her hand softly.

"I'm proud of you… I love you" she whispered.

"I love you too Boo" said Tegan.

"Your hand is so cold" said Lindsey.

"I'm cold all over actually" said Tegan.

"Really, it's not a cold evening at all" frowned Lindsey.

"I dunno" said Tegan pulling up her shoulders.

Lindsey fetched a blanket in the house and put it over Tegan.

"No no, let me help you with the food" said Tegan getting up.

"You are helping me by keeping these two from under my feet" smiled Lindsey.

"Hey T-bone… cold?" said Kate sitting down.

"Hmmmm" grunted Tegan, not in the mood for Kate's fussing again.

"You okay there?" asked Kate and moved to put her hand on Tegan's forehead.

"Eff off Kate… just… stop it okay" said Tegan pushing Kate's hand away.

Kate stared at her wordlessly.

"I'm sorry… I'm fine though okay" said Tegan rolling her eyes.

"When last did you… you know" said Kate.

"Did I what? Masturbate?" laughed Tegan.

"No… when last did you… medicate" asked Kate.

"Like an hour ago okay… see, complete honesty" said Tegan.

"Okay, I'm just a bit worried about your temp Tegan" said Kate.

"Oh for god's sake… I'll go inside and heat up" said Tegan getting up annoyed.

"You don't need to go inside Tegan" said Kate.

Tegan didn't answer but walked inside with the kids.

Sara found Tegan half an hour later in the playroom with the kids. Tegan had already given them their bath and gotten them into their pajamas. She sat on the floor pretending to play but looking sad.

"Hey, there you are" said Sara.

"What do you want" said Tegan emotionless.

"Just wanted to see if you're okay. You guys want to join us outside?" said Sara.

"I've already bathed them I don't want them to catch a cold" said Tegan.

"Is this how it's going to be now?" asked Sara calmly.

"How what's going to be?" said Tegan not looking at Sara.

"Every time we ask you if you're okay you pull a tantrum?" said Sara.

"I'm not pulling a tantrum Sara" said Tegan.

"Kinda looks like one to me" said Sara.

"Well I can't help you with your perceptions" said Tegan.

"Tegan… we care about you. We just want you happy and healthy" said Sara.

"Yeah and I don't?" said Tegan sarcastically.

"Please just…. bear with us Tee" said Sara.

Tegan stared at the toy in her hand for a few minutes before speaking.

"I'm sorry Sara… I really am. I don't know what's come over me. I'm just… so on edge… emotional…. so all over the place" said Tegan becoming teary.

"Hey it's okay… we're going to get through this together okay" said Sara crouching next to her sister.

Tegan burst out in tears. Casey and Ryan both looked up and crawled over to their mom to comfort her.

"Hey guys… sorry for scaring you… mommy's okay" whispered Tegan while wiping her cheeks.

She sat hugging the kids for a while.

"You okay?" asked Sara sitting next to Tegan.

"Yeah… I think so. Sar… can you take the kids out. I just want to apologise to Kate in private" said Tegan.

"Of course… come on guys. Amelia's waiting for you" said Sara.

"Let's just get them into something warm" said Tegan.

"Okay… it's not really cold though" said Sara.

"I want them dressed in something warm… don't start" said Tegan.

Sara just sighed, not keen to get into another fight.

Tegan stayed in the living room as Sara took the kids out and sent Kate in.

"Hey" said Kate.

"Kate… I'm sorry" said Tegan and looked down.

"Okay… apology accepted. You want to talk about it?" asked Kate.

"No not really" said Tegan.

"Our relationship… it's changed hasn't it. Now that I'm engaged to your sister right" said Kate.

"What do you mean?" said Tegan playing dumb.

"I mean… you don't share as much with me anymore. Are you scared I'll tell your sister?" said Kate.

"I tell Sara everything too" said Tegan.

"I just… I feel as if you're just so clamped up Tegan. As if you're so tight right now trying to balance everything… just trying not to snap" said Kate.

"I do what I need to do to keep it together" said Tegan clenching her jaw.

"Tee… why don't you and Erin go out for lunch when she gets back. I have a feeling you really need her" said Kate.

"I do… and she's not here… She's off in fucking Europe or whatever" said Tegan.

Kate sighed. "How can I help you Tegan? I want to make this better" said Kate.

Tegan sat down on the couch with her head in her hands.

"I'm scared Kate. And right now I'm actually not feeling great either" she said without answering Kate's question.

"What are you scared of Tegan?" asked Kate sitting down next to her.

"Everything… actually… I… I know I can do this… I know I can… I've done this a million times before. But… I can't do this if I'm not physically right… if I'm sick… or hurting… or weak. I'm so scared of getting sick. I've been having these…. Flashbacks… of… of the ICU. I hear that fucking beeping and hissing in my head…. That fucking smell. Flashbacks of the pain… of being so scared and confused and weak…. And I hate that… I hate that it can still fuck with me" said Tegan.

"I know Tegan. I know this kind of thing can fuck with your head. Here's the thing. We need to catch things early. If we do, you'll be fine. Prevention is better than cure. Not that I'm expecting to catch anything but let's keep you healthy okay. That's why I'm constantly checking on you my friend. I want to keep you healthy… right now that's my only job" smiled Kate.

Tegan nodded with a sad smile.

"I'm sorry Kate… I'm in your hands. I trust you" said Tegan.

"We're going to get you through this Tee" smiled Kate.

"Okay… do what you have to do" said Tegan sitting back.

"I think I should just give you a quick once over… if that's okay with you?" asked Kate carefully.

"Yeah okay… I guess" said Tegan and got up to go to the bedroom.

"Baby… everything okay in here?" asked Lindsey walking into the room.

"Yeah…. Kate's going to just check that everything's okay… Please, don't freak out… I don't think anything's wrong. It's just a precaution" said Tegan.

"I'm not freaking out… I'm happy, that you're honest… and that you're accepting help" said Lindsey kissing Tegan.

Kate started examining Tegan a few minutes later. "Talk to me Tegan. Tell me what you're feeling" said Kate wrapping the BP cuff around Tegan's arm.

"I just feel kinda run down you know… but to tell you the honest truth… maybe that's just because of the pain pills" said Tegan.

"Could be. Or the stress and all the running around, Sara's also feeling tired and run down" said Kate pressing the BP button.

"And I'm still kind of cold" said Tegan.

"Let's have a look… you just relax now" said Kate.

"Okay" said Tegan with a small voice.

"Your BP is low. Dizzy?" asked Kate.

"I've been feeling a bit light headed since we've been home yeah" said Tegan.

Kate stuck the thermometer into Tegan's ear. "Your body temp is lower than it should be" said Kate.

"Yay, at least I don't have a fever" said Tegan.

"Go take a nice warm shower before dinner to warm up, should help with the BP too. Your metabolic rate might be a bit low right now" said Kate and listened to Tegan's lungs and heart.

"Pulse is elevated. Trying to cope with that low BP and temp… or maybe it's just nerves. Lungs sound clear" said Kate. She felt Tegan's glands in her neck.

"Glands are fine" said Kate.

Kate pricked Tegan's finger and put a drop of blood into a little machine.

"Blood glucose is a bit low… how much have you eaten. This could be the cause of all of this" said Kate.

"Um… I had lunch?" said Tegan.

"Yeah not a bit one though" said Kate and checked Tegan's pupils.

"Pupils are… mmm, they're quite dilated. Explains the light headedness" said Kate pulling up one eyebrow.

Tegan didn't reply.

"Tee… I want you to try and lay off the pills bud" said Kate.

"Sure…. I'll try, it's just that, they calm me down you know" said Tegan shrugging.

"I understand Tee but you shouldn't be managing your anxiety with pain medication. These pills wreak havoc on other things, no wonder you feel like crap. They're meant to be taken when you're resting. I can give you some meds that are designed to help with anxiety" said Kate.

"I'm not a drug addict Kate… I don't want another pill to replace this one" said Tegan.

"I know you're not Tegan. Is it okay with you if I take a blood sample?" smiled Kate.

"Why… you want to check if I took anything else?" said Tegan looking annoyed.

"No, I want to check some other things… your electrolytes, blood count, pH etc" said Kate.

"Okay I guess" said Tegan.

"Your ankle feel okay now?" asked Kate.

"Yes… it's fine" said Tegan.

"Alright… here's what we're gonna do" said Kate putting her stuff away.

Tegan swallowed hard looking nervous.

"You guys have a bit of a quieter day tomorrow right?" said Kate.

"Yeah? So?" said Tegan.

"So, the two of us are going to go to Violet and get you a script for something acceptable to control your anxiety" said Kate.

"But I…" Tegan tried to interject.

"No buts… it's nothing to be ashamed of Tee" said Kate.

"I know" said Tegan softly looking down.

"Get the help you need…. The right help Tegan" said Kate.

Tegan nodded.

"Alright… then, I'm personally going to make sure that you stay healthy during all this okay. I want you to allow me to help you" said Kate.

"I always allow you to help me" said Tegan.

"Really?" snorted Kate.

"I'm definitely going to check you over every now and again to make sure everything is still on track. I don't want you getting annoyed with me please! Then, I'm going to give you some immune and energy boosting drips every now and then. You're going to eat well and sleep well and you're going to be fine… you're going to thrive Tegan" smiled Kate.

"You think so?" asked Tegan.

"Yeah I know so" said Kate.

"You always know what to say…. I'm really relieved… and happy… that you'll be coming with us on tour. Just, knowing that you'll be there if… if anything happens is… it's a great comfort to me" said Tegan.

"I'm happy I can help Tee" said Kate and hugged Tegan.

"What's going on guys?" said Sara walking into the room.

Tegan and Kate were still hugging.

"Oy… hugs off the hottie" said Sara and put her arms around Kate from the back.

"She was mine first" joked Tegan.

"Oh all right, only because I hugged the crap out of your wife outside just now" winked Sara.

"Everything okay though guys?" asked Sara sounding worried.

"Yes, everything's good" said Tegan.

"Just gave Tegan a quick check up. Just going to run a few blood tests but I think she's just feeling a bit stressed and run down. She's okay, I really don't think we have anything to worry about. Just try and get a good night's rest please, both of you!" said Kate.

"Yes M'am" smiled Tegan holding her arm out for Kate to draw blood.

"Hey Sar... I hear we're still number one on the album chart... Thought yesterday was a fluke" said Tegan laughing.

"Apparently the single is getting loads of airplay. Not getting my hopes up for a number one but a top 10 debut would be awesome" said Sara.

"Holding thumbs, guess we'll see in a few days" said Tegan.

"Whatever happens... I'm proud of you... of us. I think we did something really special with this record" said Sara.

"I'm proud too. And Sar... No matter how hard it gets... I love this job... I love being able to do this with you" smiled Tegan.

A/N: Will Tegan get the help she needs. Does she really understand that she may have a problem? Anyway, let's get this tour on the road! Review please!