Chapter 209

Soon after dinner Kate and Sara were getting ready to go home.

"I'll give you a call tomorrow once I've spoken to Violet Tegan" said Kate.

"Okay… Oh Kate… here you go" said Tegan and handed Kate the bottle of pills.

Kate looked at it. "Are you sure?" asked Kate.

"Yeah" said Tegan not looking phased at all.

"Alright… take some ibuprofen if you're in pain" said Kate looking concerned.

"I'm not in pain… its fine" shrugged Tegan.

"Okay… I'm proud of you. Get some sleep" said Kate and put the pills in her jacket pocket.

"Goodnight guys" said Tegan.

Tegan tucked the kids into bed and said goodnight to her mom. She walked into the room and heard Lindsey singing their new single in the shower. She opened one of her drawers and pulled out the package her assistant picked up from Dr. Torres the day before. Tegan looked at the bottle for a few seconds. She was so torn. Right now she was fine, she desperately wanted to throw it into the toilet but a part of her told her not to. She thought about earlier that day, how desperate she was.

"No… no, no" mumbled Tegan and tossed it into the rubbish bin. She stared at the bin for a minute before picking the bin up and pulling the pills out.

"Just 'till I get the right meds" said Tegan and put the pills in her nightstand drawer. She pulled on her pyjamas and got into bed. A few minutes later Lindsey joined her.

"You still cold Boo?" asked Lindsey.

"No… I feel much better than earlier thanks" said Tegan.

Lindsey lay on her stomach staring at Tegan.

"You're so gorgeous" she said softly smiling.

"Not nearly as gorgeous as you" said Tegan pushing a strand of hair behind Lindsey's ear.

"How are you doing baby?" asked Lindsey.

"Good… I'm relaxing for the first time today. I have my beautiful wife next to me. I feel better. I'm great" said Tegan and pulled Lindsey closer.

"Did you get some good shots today?" asked Tegan trying to change the subject.

"I always get great shots with you two… you're so fucking photogenic it's crazy" laughed Lindsey.

"Baby… Our first interview is at one tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to see Violet in the morning okay" said Tegan after a few seconds of silence.

"Okay… why? Everything all right?" asked Lindsey sounding worried.

"Everything's fine… I just want to keep it that way" said Tegan.

"You should ask her to give you something for your anxiety" said Lindsey.

"I know… that's why I'm going" said Tegan sounding annoyed.

Lindsey ran her finger softly over one Tegan's scars on her chest.

"Don't do that please" said Tegan putting her hand on Lindsey's.

"I'm sorry sweetie" said Lindsey.

"It's just…. it reminds me of hospital" said Tegan.

Lindsey kept her hand on Tegan's chest that was now moving up and down much faster than before.

"It's okay… you're okay baby… no hospitals" said Lindsey.

"I'm sorry… I'm fucked up" said Tegan and turned on her side away from Lindsey.

Lindsey softly rubbed Tegan's back.

"You are strong, and brave, and beautiful, and smart, and talented" said Lindsey.

"And fucked up" said Tegan softly.

"Don't say that Tegan… it's not true… it's not" said Lindsey.

Tegan sighed.

"And even if it was true… I don't care… I love you just the way you are. Every bit of you" said Lindsey and kissed Tegan's shoulder.

She felt Tegan's body start to shake as sobs overcame her.

"I don't deserve you" said Tegan through her tears.

"You deserve the best of everything… because you're amazing" said Lindsey and put her arm around her wife. She pulled herself closer and breathed into Tegan's neck. Tegan smelled amazing as always and Lindsey wanted to kiss her she knew that right now, all Tegan needed was to be held. To feel safe and loved.

Tegan fought the urge to get up and go have a pain pill. She started shaking slightly.

"You're shaking sweetie" said Lindsey.

"I'm okay… I need you to just hold me… tight… don't let me go… don't let me go" said Tegan softly.

"I'm here… I've got you, I've got you" said Lindsey.

Tegan didn't say anything but just pulled her legs up closer to her body.

"What's happening Tegan… are you okay?" asked Lindsey as she felt Tegan's fast pulse under her hands.

"I'm okay… I'm okay" Tegan whimpered. Everything in her body and brain seemed to be firing at the same time suddenly. A hundred thoughts ran through her mind. Her skin felt sensitive. Her heart was beating out of her chest. She felt as if she couldn't catch her breath.

"Lindsey… I need… um… my inhaler" gasped Tegan reaching for the bedside table.

"I'm going to let go of you now Tegan… You're okay… I'm just getting you the oxygen" said Lindsey.

Cries escaped the baby monitor suddenly.

"Casey" Tegan wheezed still on her side with her eyes closed, clutching her stomach.

"Stay put Tegan I've got it" said Lindsey and handed Tegan her inhaler. Tegan put the inhaler in her mouth with shaky hands and inhaled a puff.

Lindsey opened the bedroom door and yelled. "Sonia... Sonia" Lindsey yelled while grabbing the oxygen concentrator.

Sonia came running into the room.

"What's wrong?" yelled Sonia.

"The kids… please just check on the kids" said Lindsey taking out the oxygen mask.

Tegan was still shaking and wheezing.

"Tegan! Oh my god are you okay?" exclaimed Sonia.

"I've got this Sonia… please just check on the kids" said Lindsey calmly while putting the mask on Tegan's face.

"I've got you… its okay…. Deep breaths" said Lindsey on the verge of tears.

"Can I have some water please" whispered Tegan.

"Sure sweetie, I'll be back in a sec" said Lindsey and got up to go to the bathroom.

Tegan grabbed her backpack next to the bed an hastily took a pill from it's plastic container. She popped it into her mouth.

"Here you go honey" said Lindsey a few seconds later and handed Tegan a glass of water. Tegan took a large gulp and swallowed the pain pill. She put her head back and closed her eyes, relieved.

Tegan's breathing got better slowly.

Sonia walked into the room carrying Casey who at least stopped crying. Ryan was sleeping like a rock through all the commotion.

"Is she okay? Should I call Kate?" asked Sonia looking petrified.

"I'm okay" mumbled Tegan under the mask waving her hand.

"Baby let me check your vitals" said Lindsey.

Tegan didn't answer but just kept focussing on getting her breath back.

Tegan held the mask to her face with her eyes closed as Lindsey checked her BP, temp and pulse ox.

"Your BP is okay I think… so is your temp but your pulse ox is down the tubes… 87 even after the oxygen and your heart is racing" said Lindsey.

"Just… give it a minute" mumbled Tegan.

"I'm calling Kate" said Lindsey.

"No… it does this… it will come up" whispered Tegan looking out of it.

"Kate… its Sonia… something's not right with Tegan" said Sonia in the door bouncing Casey up and down.

"Mooom" Tegan complained.

-o-

Five minutes later Kate stormed into the bedroom wearing her pyjamas with a sweater pulled over it.

"Tegan… hey… what's going on?" said Kate as she sat down next to Tegan who seemed a bit calmer now.

"I… I… I don't know what happened. I just had an asthma attack or something… my airways just closed up. It's okay now... I'm fine" said Tegan.

"It's okay… this does happen every now and again. Let me have a listen" said Kate and put her stethoscope on Tegan's chest.

Sonia's phone started ringing. "Sara… it's okay… she's okay, Kate's checking her out now" said Sonia.

"Breathing seems to be okay now… lungs sound clear" said Kate and pressed the button on the BP monitor.

"Her oxygen sats seem better… it's back up to 96" said Lindsey.

Tegan put the mask down.

"That's good… you're doing good Tee. Keep the mask on. Keep taking deep breaths" said Kate.

Tegan just sat with her eyes closed holding the mask to her face again.

"Your BP is a bit low for my liking but it's okay… pulse still way up though" said Kate.

"I'm okay" mumbled Tegan.

"Lindsey, why don't you and Sonia go make some tea" said Kate.

"No, I'm staying here" said Lindsey.

"Lindsey… please" said Tegan weakly.

Lindsey and Sonia reluctantly left the room.

"Tee… was this an anxiety attack?" asked Kate.

"I don't know… yeah I guess… I don't know" said Tegan.

"Anything specific trigger it?" asked Kate.

"I wasn't scared… I was just… emotional… Lindsey and I were having an… emotional discussion… not a heated one… I just felt… teary you know" said Tegan.

"Alright… you're okay now. I'm going to give you something to calm you down… it'll knock you out for the night" said Kate.

"I don't want more drugs" said Tegan.

"Tee… this is a different kind of medication okay… it's okay to take it I promise" said Kate holding Tegan's hand.

"Alright… just give me a minute to catch my bearings" said Tegan.

"Okay… let's have some tea" smiled Kate.

"Sorry for getting you out here this time of night… I told them not to call" said Tegan.

"No problem at all Tegan… you call anytime you need me… they did the right thing" said Kate.

"Call Sara… she must be worried" said Tegan pulling the duvet up to her chin.

Kate took out her phone from her sweater pocket.

"Hey babe… whoa calm down…. She's okay… I'm sure…. I'm going to hang around for half an hour or so to make sure she falls asleep without any further issues alright? I'll be home soon…. I will… love you" said Kate and hung up.

"Sara says she hopes you feel better soon. Breathe in deep for me again" said Kate. Tegan obliged.

"Sounds good… pulse is coming down. Sats look good" said Kate.

"You see… this is what I hate… whenever this happens it just… the thought of getting sick again sends me into a total tizz and it just makes things worse. It's this horrible cycle" said Tegan.

"I know… I know… it's going to be okay" said Kate and hugged Tegan.

Sonia and Lindsey walked into the room with a tray of tea.

"How is she Kate?" asked Lindsey.

"She's okay actually. You did well helping her Linds" smiled Kate.

"You okay now baby Boo?" asked Lindsey stroking Tegan's hair.

"Yeah I feel much better thanks, I'm sorry about all this commotion guys" said Tegan.

"Don't be silly" said Sonia and kissed Tegan's head.

Tegan took her cup of tea with shaking hands.

"You okay, you're still a bit shaky" said Lindsey sweetly.

"I'm fine… just getting over the adrenaline rush" said Tegan.

Kate and Sonia tried their best to make a bit of small talk as they had their tea.

"Okay, let me give you that injection now so you can get some rest" said Kate.

"Injection?" asked Lindsey sounding startled.

"Just to calm her down and relax her a bit. No big deal, really" said Kate.

"Oh… okay… should I be looking out for anything tonight?" said Lindsey.

"I want you to just try and get some rest Linds. Tee, you've got your inhaler and the oxygen and you've got the big gun? The other inhaler right?" asked Kate.

"Yeah… I haven't needed that since the skydiving…. incident" said Tegan.

"And hopefully you won't soon. You're breathing just fine now, keep it up" said Kate.

"I'm nervous" said Lindsey.

"She just told you I'm fine… relax okay" said Tegan annoyed.

Kate pulled some meds into a syringe and tapped it.

"Fuck this" mumbled Tegan shaking her head.

"Bum please" said Kate.

"Ugh" grunted Tegan and turned on her side.

Kate slowly pushed the contents of the syringe into Tegan's bum.

"Hurry up, it burns like a mother fucker" complained Tegan.

"Trust me it will burn even more if I go fast…. Okay… there we go, all done" said Kate and stuck a band aid over the spot.

"I gave you the hello kitty one just because you're such a good girl" joked Kate.

"Stuff off and let me get some rest" laughed Tegan rubbing her bum.

"Thanks Kate…. you're a star" smiled Lindsey.

"No problem. This is going to knock you out pretty soon Tee so I'm going to say goodnight now" said Kate.

"Okay… night night… and Kate… thank you" said Tegan with a drowsy smile. A few seconds later she was out.

"Is she okay?" asked Lindsey.

"She's going to be just fine Linds" said Kate snapping her bag closed.

"Are you sure?" asked Lindsey.

Kate smiled and put her hands on both of Lindsey's shoulders. "Yes! Call me if you have any further concerns. Right now, all her vitals are good. She just needs a bit of rest. Let her sleep in tomorrow" said Kate.

"Thanks again" said Lindsey with her hands in front of her mouth looking worried.

"It's okay Linds… she's fine" said Kate.

-o-

Kate walked into the door and was immediately greeted by Sara standing in the doorway.

"Hey… you gave me a bit of a fright" smiled Kate and kissed Sara hello.

"Is she okay?" asked Sara.

"Yeah, she's fine" said Kate and took Sara's hand in hers.

"What happened?" asked Sara.

"She just had a bit of an asthma attack. It's sorted out now" said Kate.

"Why?" asked Sara.

"I don't know Sar these things happen… She has a chronic lung condition. She's under a lot of stress right now, that probably triggered it" shrugged Kate.

"Is she okay to go on though?" asked Sara.

"What do you mean go on?" asked Kate frowning.

"Is she healthy enough to continue this promo and tour" said Sara.

"Of course she is… we just need to keep an eye on her" said Kate.

"I hope you're right… I really hope you're right" said Sara.

"Sara… baby I promise you that if I had any doubt whatsoever, Tegan would be benched right now. She's okay. Relax now" said Kate.

"Uh huh" said Sara looking distant.

"Let's go to bed beautiful" said Kate and kissed Sara softly on the forehead.

Sara relaxed a bit knowing that if Kate was this calm, Tegan was okay.

-o-

The next morning Tegan sat down for a coffee at the hospital cafeteria with Kate after a long session with Violet.

"Thanks for coming with me… I appreciate it. And thanks for not telling Sara about... you know" said Tegan.

"Well, I want to but there's such a thing as doctor patient confidentiality" said Kate.

"I'm going to be okay now… I've got the right drugs" said Tegan.

"Yeah. Take it exactly as prescribed please and leave the other shit. If you're in pain you call me and we'll sort it out somehow" said Kate.

"Okay" said Tegan taking a sip of coffee.

"You should give me the other pills tonight" said Kate.

"What other pills?" said Tegan trying to sound confused but the panicked look on her face gave her away.

"The pills you got from Callie... the ones you took last night and this morning" said Kate.

"Um... how did you know" said Tegan looking embarrassed.

"I'm not a total idiot Tegan. You gave me those pills way too easily last night and you wouldn't be this calm now if you didn't take one this morning. You took one last night too... I suspected you have more and I checked your prescription record" said Kate.

"Jeez and you gave me that shot knowing that? Isn't that dangerous" exclaimed Tegan.

"If you felt it could be dangerous why didn't you say something?" said Kate.

"I... uh... I don't know. I was just so desperate to be knocked out I guess... I wasn't thinking straight" said Tegan looking down.

"Relax, that shot was perfectly safe even with the pills Tegan. I've seen people go through this you know. This isn't my first rodeo" said Kate.

"I just... I couldn't get through that session this morning without it. I don't know how to shake it... I need it" said Tegan, her face begging.

"I know... We're going to get you through this Tegan. Just trust me" said Kate putting her hand on Tegan's.

"That was my last one, I swear Kate" said Tegan.

"Tee, I have to warn you. You may, or rather... you probably will have a couple of withdrawal symptoms. You gonna be okay with that?" asked Kate.

Tegan swallowed hard. "Yeah.. I'll be fine" she said softly.

"Don't worry, they may not be that severe. Then again, with everything your body has been through it's hard to know. You need to stop this now! I mean... you really need to stop Tegan. You haven't been taking the pills for too long so let's hope for the best" said Kate.

Tegan nodded looking pale.

"You'll probably have some headache, nausea, fatigue, chills" said Kate.

"Holy fuck Kate…. how am I going to work through all that?" said Tegan.

"It will probably only kick in tonight. Take half a pill an hour or so before the interview. We'll deal with the withdrawal tonight and you guys have tomorrow off. The anxiety meds will help also you through this afternoon" said Kate.

Tegan put her hands in her hair. "What the fuck did I dooooo" she moaned.

"Kate…. I can't let Linds and Sara and my mom go through this again. I hate it when they see me hurting and going on how shitty I felt last night when I tried my very best not to want one I know this isn't going to be a walk in the park… I can't…. I can't do it with them there" said Tegan.

Tegan's phone beeped. She looked at the screen. "Oh thank God… Erin's back!" said Tegan.

"I've got an idea… hear me out" said Kate.

"Hmff….. I'm listening" said Tegan folding he arms.

"I'm going to help you through this detox tonight. I'm going to ask Erin if we can use the pool house" said Kate.

"And then? What do we tell Lindsey and Sara" said Tegan.

"We tell them that Erin's back in town and that we really want to get away for the night. Just one night with just the three musketeers. You guys have the day off tomorrow so you'll have some recovery time. We tell them we're going to the lake house or something" said Kate.

"I don't know Kate… They're going to want to come along" said Tegan.

"They won't… somebody needs to look after the kids and we'll just put it on real thick" said Kate.

"Mom's here… it's going to look weird" said Tegan.

"Okay well, if you want to do this at home that's also fine but you're going to do it! I'm personally making sure of that!" said Kate.

"No… I don't want them seeing this and I'm not doing this with the kids anywhere near! I'll make something up" said Tegan.

"Tee… maybe it's not even that bad" said Kate.

"Yeah and maybe it's horrible… they've been through enough with me. That and... I'm so fucking embarrassed, I'm ashamed of myself" said Tegan.

"It's gonna be okay Tegan… I promise" said Kate taking Tegan's hand.

"How the hell are we going to keep Erin out of there… let's just go to a hotel" said Tegan.

"No… we're going to tell her, that's how" said Kate.

"No no no" said Tegan shaking her hand.

"Tegan… The paps are all over you right now. If you check into a hotel they'll ask questions. The lake house is out of the question, we need to be close to a hospital if something goes wrong, which I don't expect it to but still... Anyway, we don't have time to drive all that way. I spoke to Erin this morning. She misses you so much. Please… let her be there for you. You're going to need someone to hold your hand and I'll try to do that but I'll be busy making sure you're physically okay" said Kate.

Tegan tapped her fingers on the table looking nervous.

"The three musketeers huh… or rather… the two musketeers and the one fallen fuck up" said Tegan becoming emotional.

"We're your best friends Tegan. That's what we're here for. We're going to get you through this… you're going to be okay" said Kate and put her arm around Tegan's shoulders.

"Thank you Katy… you're an amazing friend. I'm sorry that you have to lie for me" said Tegan.

"I'm not happy about it but I understand where you're coming from and yes, I don't want them panicking either. But you're going to have to tell them some time Tee. And by the way, you're probably going to hate me tonight bud" said Kate.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore Kate… just help me… I don't care if it hurts" said Tegan.

"I got you buddy… I got you" said Kate squeezing Tegan's shoulder.

A/N: Glad Tegan is accepting some help now. Let's hope it goes okay and that she'll finally be ready for this tour! Send feedback please. Remember, you don't need to log in to review.