Chapter 212

Tegan tossed and turned the rest of the night. The girls took turns to watch the monitor as the other's tried to get some rest but in reality nobody really got quality sleep. Tegan's condition stabilized and they didn't have any further major scares.

The early morning sun was peeping through the curtains when Kate got up and stretched her back out.

"Morning" said Sara where she was curled up on the couch next to Tegan's bed.

"Hey babe" whispered Kate. "I'm going to make us some coffee. Can't sit like that anymore, my back is killing me"

"Thanks" whispered Sara smiling. She looked at her sister who finally seemed a bit calmer. She wasn't shivering anymore, her pale face finally seemed a bit more peaceful. Lindsey was asleep with her arm around Tegan's waist after being awake until an hour ago. Erin was asleep in an oversized arm chair at the foot of the bed. Sara smiled, she felt unbelievably blessed to have these women in her and her sister's lives.

-o-

A couple of hours later Lindsey emerged from the bedroom looking horrible.

"Hey guys" she said softly.

"Morning Linds. Coffee?" asked Erin.

"Yes please" said Lindsey sitting down.

"Tee still asleep?" asked Sara.

"Yeah, she's pretty out of it" said Lindsey.

"I'll go check on her" smiled Kate and left the kitchen.

"Erin made pancakes, you should eat something" said Sara.

"Thanks, but I think I'm just going to have my coffee and go home to check on the kids" said Lindsey.

"Mom's fine with them though, I gave her a call earlier. They're having the time of their lives" said Sara.

Lindsey nodded. "To be honest Sar… I don't want to be here when she wakes up" said Lindsey.

Sara frowned.

"Now that I know she's okay… which she seems to be, I just need a little bit of… distance you know. Even if it's an hour or two. I need to get my head together" said Lindsey.

"I completely understand" said Sara.

"Sleeping like a baby. I think she's over the worst but the rest of today ain't gonna be a walk in the park either" said Kate coming back in.

"How are her vitals?" asked Sara.

"Good. No problems. Fever's down too" said Kate kissing Sara's shoulder.

"Babe… I'm taking Linds home. Hope that's okay with you" said Sara.

"Oh… okay" said Kate looking surprised.

"We need to check on the kids" said Sara.

Kate knew better than to push it further.

"Alright, I don't know when we'll be home though. We'll see how she goes okay… Hopefully later today some time, probably closer to evening" said Kate.

"Take your time" said Lindsey emotionless.

-o-

A crushing headache woke Tegan up. She grunted and rolled over. She put her hand on the other side of the bed. It was empty. Tegan's eyes snapped open again.

"Lindsey" she said sounding startled.

Kate walked into the room.

"Hey sleeping beauty... feeling any better" she asked.

"Where's Lindsey?" asked Tegan without answering Kate's question.

"She went home to check on the kids" said Kate.

"Oh" said Tegan looking disappointed.

"How are you feeling?" asked Kate.

"Like I've been hit by a bus" said Tegan.

"That's to be expected. You should feel better soon. Just hang in there" said Kate and took Tegan's blood pressure.

"BP's looking okay. It's a bit low but nothing to worry about. Pulse is pretty much back to normal. Sats look good. Fever's down" said Kate.

"Great" said Tegan unenthusiastically.

"Follow my finger" said Kate. Tegan obliged. Kate shone a penlight into Tegan's pupils.

"I'm guessing even a Tylenol is off limits for this headache" said Tegan.

"Sorry bud… not forever, I just think you should avoid it for a week or so" said Kate.

Erin walked in carrying a tray with pancakes, orange juice and tea.

"Morning Tegan. How are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm okay thanks" said Tegan with a weak smile.

"Okay… sit up, breakfast is served" said Erin.

"Thanks E but I really don't feel like eating" said Tegan.

"Try… please" said Kate.

"Okay… don't blame me if I hurl though" said Tegan rolling her eyes.

"Your stomach should feel a bit better by now" said Kate.

"I need to wee… what with you pumping me full of juice the whole night" said Tegan. Kate removed the oxygen and disconnected the monitors. Tegan sat up and threw her legs over the end of the bed. She closed her eyes and sat like that for a few seconds.

"Tee… you okay?" asked Kate.

"Yeah… just a bit dizzy" said Tegan.

"That's normal too. Just take it easy. You should feel better soon" said Kate.

Tegan managed to keep half a slice of toast and some tea down, that was about it.

"Thank you. I need to go home now" she said.

"Don't you think you should get a bit more rest first? You look exhausted and you're not quite through with this yet" said Kate.

"No, I have things that I need to go sort out and make right" said Tegan.

"You know that can wait. They'll understand" said Erin.

"No… I need to go now… I'll come back and get some rest promise" said Tegan.

"Okay, I've put out some fresh towels for you in the bathroom" said Erin.

"Thanks but I think I'll shower at home" said Tegan.

"Tee you look…" said Kate before being cut off.

"I don't care how I look… guys I need to go home. I need to go talk to them" said Tegan.

Kate smiled sadly. "Alright, let's get you home" she said and helped Tegan up.

-o-

Tegan walked into the house looking like death warmed up. She was pale, her eyes had dark rings under them and her hair was standing in all directions and it looked dirty.

"Tegan" said Sara looking up. Lindsey didn't look up from her book. The kids were nowhere to be seen.

"Hey guys! Oh my god Tegan… that must have been some party, you look like hell" laughed Sonia and ruffled Tegan's hair when she came out of the kitchen.

Tegan put her hands over her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Tee?" said Sonia suddenly concerned. It was clear that Sara and Lindsey didn't tell her anything.

"Where are the kids?" asked Tegan.

"Just put them down for their morning nap" said Sonia.

"Mom we... I need to… talk to you" said Tegan.

"Okay… Tegan are you okay? You look very pale" said Sonia frowning.

"Why don't you go take a quick shower, we'll make some tea" said Sara getting up.

"Um… I don't want a shower I just… need to talk to you all" said Tegan looking emotional and nervous.

Kate put her hand on Tegan's back. "Take it easy" she whispered calmly.

Tegan seemed extremely fidgety and she was rocking backward and forward.

"Sit down Tegan" said Sara.

Tegan sat down on one of the couches and put her hands over her face again, trying to contain her emotions.

"Tegan you're scaring me" said Sonia sitting down next to her daughter.

"Sorry" whispered Tegan and looked at Lindsey who seemed disinterested in Tegan's upcoming confession.

"Are you okay Tegan?" asked Sonia

"I'm fine" said Tegan.

"Just say what you need to say" said Lindsey.

"Hi… I'm Tegan and I'm an addict" said Tegan. Her chin started quivering a few seconds later.

"What are you talking about? Tegan?" said Sonia and looked at Sara and Lindsey who didn't seem surprised at all.

"Mom… here's the thing. Since Jeremy died I… developed a dependency on pain killers. I thought I had it under control, I promise, I really didn't think it was a big deal. I had some meds left from my time in hospital and one night I took one because I was just so tense… everything was aching… I was such an emotional wreck. It helped… and I took more. I took it regularly but not that much of it. It... well it calmed me down. Until…. Um… When I got hurt up in Canada things just… came tumbling down I guess. I took more pain meds… for actual pain. Way more than was prescribed… Eventually I felt as if… as if I couldn't function without it… it scared me… everything scared me… ugh I… I" said Tegan putting her head back in her hands.

"Oh sweetie…" is all Sonia could get out.

Sara stared intently at Tegan while Lindsey looked out of the window.

"Anyway… long story short… I realised that I have a problem… a big problem and that I needed to address it now or… I don't even want to think of the alternative actually. Kate eventually put two and two together and she made me fess up… she took me to see Violet who is helping me through a lot. She gave me the correct anxiety meds. I asked Kate and Erin to help me last night… help me detox" said Tegan.

"Tegan why didn't you tell us?" asked Sonia looking shocked.

"I didn't want you going through all that mom… I was always going to tell you after" said Tegan.

"But honey we" said Sonia.

"I was ashamed okay… I feel like the biggest loser in the world. The biggest fucking weakling!" said Tegan loudly.

Lindsey stared at the floor.

"Anyway… I really am sorry… I should have told you. I'm sorry, please know that I love you and I never, ever meant to hurt you" said Tegan getting up. She walked to the bedroom without turning around.

Everybody in the living room was speechless. Sonia stared out in front of her, mouth hanging slightly open. She got up a couple of minutes later.

"Mom" said Sara.

"Sara just give me a few minutes with her" said Sonia.

Kate squeezed Sara's thigh.

Sonia walked past the kids' room and saw Tegan standing in front of the crib.

Tegan turned her head to her mom and shook her head.

"They sure are beautiful aren't they" said Sonia and took Tegan's hand.

"Yeah… they're gorgeous" smiled Tegan looking tired.

"Come" said Sonia and kissed Tegan's hand.

Tegan took another deep breath to keep her emotions inside as Sonia led her to the bedroom.

Sonia sat her daughter down on her bed.

"Are you okay?" she asked kindly.

"I… ugh… I feel terrible but I'll be okay" said Tegan staring at the floor.

Sonia rubbed Tegan's back.

"I'm proud of you" she said.

Tegan snorted. "Proud of me? Mom did you hear me say I'm a drug addict"

"I heard ya… and I'm proud that you're fixing this Tegan. This must have been really hard" said Sonia.

Tegan burst out into tears and hugged Sonia.

"I'm so sorry Mom. I don't know how this happened" cried Tegan.

"It's okay…. Shhhhh…. You're going to be just fine" whispered Sonia.

"I love you Mom" whispered Tegan.

"I love you too sweetie. You're shaking, are you alright?" asked Sonia gently.

"It kinda… comes and goes" sighed Tegan.

"Let's get you into the shower. I'm sure you're going to feel a lot better after that" said Sonia.

"Thank you Mom…. For everything" said Tegan and hugged her mom again.

"Tee… you okay?" asked Kate walking into the room.

"Yeah… I think so, I'm just going to take a shower and then… I… um… I'll go back to Erin's" said Tegan.

"Stay here" said Sonia.

"No Mom… I think it's pretty clear that I'm knee deep in the shit with my wife. Anyway… I don't want the kids exposed to all this" said Tegan.

"Tee is it okay if I go in with you, after you're in the shower of course. I just need to make sure you don't pass out or anything" said Kate.

"I'll do it" smiled Sonia.

"Okay, not too hot Tegan, it will drop your BP. Call if you need me" said Kate.

Sonia gently led Tegan into the bathroom and opened the shower for her.

"I'm okay, thanks Mom" said Tegan.

"Tee, I'm your mom… it's nothing I haven't seen a million times" laughed Sonia and pulled Tegan's sweater off.

-o-

"Is she okay?" asked Lindsey when Kate came back into the living room.

"Yeah, she's just taking a shower. When she's done we'll go back to Erin's. Sonia's with her to make sure she doesn't pass out or anything" said Kate.

"She's not going back there" said Lindsey getting up.

-o-

Tegan stood still under the lukewarm shower for a few minutes before she started washing her hair and her body. Annoyed she opened the hot water more, fogging up the door of the shower almost instantly

The bathroom door opened slowly and Lindsey peeped in. Sonia was sitting on the side of the bath.

"I've got it, thanks Sonia" whispered Lindsey.

Sonia nodded and left the bathroom.

"I don't know what I'm going to do Mom… I hurt her so much, I fucked up so bad. How am I ever going to make this right again. Thing is… I never… I mean… I just didn't want to hurt her… Even back when this started… I didn't want her to see me break down… day after day after day. I just needed something to… I don't know, numb me. The pills did that. I need her… I love her so much, she's my whole world" said Tegan sounding emotional.

Lindsey listened in silence. She shook her head and wiped a tear from her cheek.

The shower stopped running. Lindsey picked up an oversized, fluffy towel. Tegan opened the shower door.

"Lindsey" she said stunned and swallowed hard.

Lindsey just opened the towel wide and gave Tegan a sad smile.

Tegan reluctantly stepped into Lindsey's arms.

Lindsey wordlessly wrapped the towel around Tegan and held her in her arms.

"I'm sorry" whispered Tegan.

"Let's get you to bed, you seem a bit wobbly" said Lindsey.

"I love you" said Tegan.

"I love you too" said Lindsey after a second.

"Did you hear all that?" said Tegan looking embarrassed.

"I did… and I want to say Tegan that… I understand… and that I forgive you" said Lindsey.

Tegan burst out into tears yet again. Her legs just suddenly couldn't carry her weight anymore and she slowly sunk down to the floor in Lindsey's arms.

"Shhhh baby… everything's going to be okay… it's okay" whispered Lindsey.

Tegan slowly calmed down in her love's arms. A few minutes later Lindsey moved.

"You're getting cold Boo… please let me help you to bed" said Lindsey.

"I should go back to Erin's… it's not over yet" said Tegan shaking her head.

"No, you're not going anywhere. You're staying right here in your own bed" said Lindsey.

"I don't want the kids seeing this" said Tegan.

"Tee… they're not even two. They'll be okay" said Lindsey.

"No… it will be in their subconscious forever" said Tegan.

"I promise I'll keep them away… Sonia will keep them away" said Lindsey.

"I don't know" said Tegan.

"Please sweetie… this is where you belong" said Lindsey.

"Okay… thank you" sighed Tegan and got up with some difficulty.

Lindsey gently dried Tegan's body and dressed her in some fresh pyjamas. She combed her hair before blow-drying it.

"That feels sooo much better… thank you" whispered Tegan and put her head back against Lindsey's belly.

"You're welcome baby" said Lindsey and kissed Tegan's hair. Tegan felt dizzy and could tell it was only a matter of time before the nausea would hit again.

Tegan closed her eyes to compose herself.

"Boo… everything okay?" asked Lindsey.

"Yeah just…. dizzy" said Tegan.

Lindsey gently helped Tegan into bed.

"I'm cold again" whispered Tegan.

"I'm going to make you some ginger tea. You know it's my cure all. I'll send Kate in to come check your vitals" said Lindsey tucking Tegan in.

"Thank you… I don't deserve you" whispered Tegan.

Kate came back into the room a few minutes later.

"How are you feeling? Shower pep you up a bit?" she asked.

"For a few minutes yes… right now I feel like shit again" said Tegan, duvet tucked under her chin.

"Okay… I've had the security guys bring the equipment back here. Let's just say I had feeling that Linds wouldn't let you go" smiled Kate.

Tegan just smiled and shook her head.

"Good thing we kept the line open. Let's get you back onto some IV fluids. But first let me check those vitals" said Kate.

A few minutes later Kate was done with her check-up.

"Your fever is back and your BP is a bit low after that shower but other than that your vitals look okay. Glad that you've kept your breakfast down! I want you in bed for the rest of the day, it's not over by a longshot bud but you're getting there. You're doing really well all things considered" said Kate.

"I think the nausea is coming back" said Tegan closing her eyes.

"That's okay, the IV will keep you hydrated. Get some rest now" said Kate.

"Kate… am I going to be okay to travel tomorrow?" asked Tegan.

"You're going to have a rough day but hopefully you'll sleep well tonight and be ready for action by tomorrow afternoon" said Kate. She glanced down at the pulse ox meter.

"Deep breaths, your heart rate's going up quite a bit. I know the thought of travelling tomorrow makes you nervous but don't worry, I've got you okay… We'll be right there with you" said Kate.

-o-

Tegan spent most of the day tossing, turning and shivering in bed. Her fever spiked quite a few times and she vomited up most of what she put in her mouth. Somebody was always with her, mostly Lindsey but Sara, Sonia and Erin took turns to wipe her face with a cool washcloth and hold her hand while Kate managed her medication and made sure her vital signs stayed stable.

She had a few lucid moments early evening and took a long bath before passing out for a solid 12 hours of sleep.

It was early morning when Tegan woke up feeling groggy but a lot better than the previous day. She felt Lindsey's hand on her belly. When she turned her head she saw Sara staring at her.

"Oh hey Sar" she whispered.

"Morning" said Sara softly.

"Ugh… how long have I been sleeping?" asked Tegan.

"Mmm, just over 12 hours. How are you feeling?" asked Sara.

"I am feeling… a lot better I think… halfway human again" said Tegan softly not to wake Lindsey.

"Coffee?" asked Sara.

"I'll join you in the kitchen in a minute… need the toilet" smiled Tegan and gently moved Lindsey's arm away.

Sara walked to the kitchen. The house was eerily quiet, everybody except the twins were still asleep. Most of the adults only had a few hours at a time of uncomfortable, uninterrupted sleep. Sara peeped into the play room where Kate was passed out next to Erin on a pull out sleeper couch. Kate sleepily opened her eyes.

"Hey…. Sorry didn't mean to wake you, go back to sleep" whispered Sara on her haunches next to Kate.

"Tee okay?" whispered Kate.

"She's fine. She's awake and feeling much better. Please baby, go back to sleep, you really need it" said Sara.

"Okay… call me if you need me" grunted Kate. Sara kissed her cheek.

-o-

Sara handed Tegan a cup of coffee a few minutes later.

"You sure your stomach can handle this? Maybe tea's a better option" said Sara.

"Hope so… I need a bit of a kick" yawned Tegan.

"Kick in the butt yes" mumbled Sara.

"I heard that" said Tegan looking serious but a second later a smile spread across her face.

"Good" laughed Sara and mock kicked Tegan's bum.

"Hey Sar" said Tegan as they sat down on the living room couch with their coffee. "Thanks for being here. And thanks for… you know… like… not freaking out… I never felt that you were… judging me" said Tegan.

"Oh Teetee… you've been through so much. I don't know, who am I to judge" said Sara.

"I'm sorry Sar… I really am sorry. I abused your trust. I know I let you down. I promise I'm going to make this up to you" said Tegan becoming emotional.

"I'm not going to lie, I was… disappointed that you didn't confide in me" said Sara.

"Sar… you have done so much for me. I just wanted to give you a bit of a break from my shit" said Tegan.

"You know our old… twin thing?" said Sara.

"Uh huh" grunted Tegan, cringing.

"I had a feeling something wasn't right with you… that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That's why I kept nosing around until I found you. You scared me Tegan" said Sara.

"You always find me… God Sar… I'm so fucking sorry, you should have been the first person I told… long ago" said Tegan.

"Kate told me she offered you sedated detox. You could have slept through all this. Why didn't you take it" said Sara.

"I don't know… It didn't feel right to sleep through it and when I wake up… pooof, I'm all better like magic you know. I needed to work through it I guess… mentally and physically. I don't know. Stupid" said Tegan.

"No I understand… I also understand that you needed to suffer through this, to punish yourself… am I right?" asked Sara.

"What are you a fucking shrink now?" said Tegan.

Sara stayed quiet.

"I guess you're right, on some level I did want to punish myself… Anyway… I really am sorry for putting you guys through this" said Tegan.

"Hey… it's over okay. We're going to put this behind us now and we're going to have a fucking kiss ass tour okay" said Sara.

"Okay… thank you" said Tegan.

"We're going to have so much fun! Quin for the win" smiled Sara.

"I'm scared Sar… not of touring… of… not being strong enough to see this through. I really, really don't want to relapse back to where I was" said Tegan.

"I'm personally going to make sure that doesn't happen okay" said Sara.

"I love you Sar… I don't say that enough" said Tegan.

"I love you too Tee" said Sara and hugged her sister.

The next second a cry escaped the kids room.

"Aaaand there we go" laughed Tegan.

One kid crying woke the other three and they were all sitting up in their cribs by the time Tegan and Sara got there.

"Hey monkeys" laughed Tegan walking into the room.

Ryan was standing up in his crib and holding onto the bars like a criminal.

"Mama" he yelled with a massive smile when he saw Tegan.

"I've missed you guys" said Tegan taking them out of bed.

The bit of a cry/moan wasn't enough to wake up the rest of the adults. Tegan and Sara changed all four diapers and were playing with the kids when Sonia eventually stumbled into the living room an hour later.

"Morning Mom" smiled Tegan.

"Morning guys, how are you feeling Tegan?" asked Sonia.

"Like a new person. Still a bit shaky but I'm like a million times better" said Tegan.

"Thank God" sighed Sonia.

"I've made a pot of coffee. I'll get you some" said Tegan.

"Oh I'll help myself" said Sonia.

"Mom… sit down, relax. I've got this. I've been lazing around long enough" winked Tegan.

Kate and Erin came into the kitchen half an hour later as Tegan and Sara were making breakfast.

Kate kissed Sara hello and walked up to Tee. She turned Tegan's face with her fingers to look at her.

"Morning K-dawg" smiled Tegan.

"Hey… you okay? You seem to actually have a bit of colour in you cheeks" asked Kate.

"I'm good thanks… thanks to you" said Tegan.

"IV's empty, let me take the line out" said Kate.

"Um sure… just need to finish the eggs first" said Tegan.

"I've got it" smiled Sonia.

Kate sat Tegan down on the couch and took her wrist in her hand to feel her pulse.

"How are you feeling? Really" said Kate.

"I really am feeling a lot better, almost human again" said Tegan.

Kate wrapped the BP cuff around her arm and pressed the button as she listened to her lungs.

"I'm really impressed with your lungs. They went through a lot without acting out too much" said Kate.

"Yay, go lungs! My favourite lungs ever" laughed Tegan.

"Okay… your BP is fine. No further sign of a fever. I think we can take this fucker out" said Kate and started to remove the plaster over Tegan's IV line"

"Yes! Finally!" said Tegan.

Tegan snuck into the bedroom after Kate removed the IV line. She sat down next to a sleeping Lindsey and softly touched her face.

"Hmmm… morning" mumbled Lindsey.

"Morning gorgeous" smiled Tegan and kissed Lindsey's cheek.

"Are you okay?" asked Lindsey.

"I'm great. Did you sleep okay?" said Tegan.

"I did… kind of" smiled Lindsey.

"Brought you some coffee and breakfast is almost ready. Do you want it in bed?" asked Tegan.

"Wow… thanks but I'll join you in the kitchen" said Lindsey.

"I need to start packing, flight leaves at 4 so I guess we need to leave here around 2" said Tegan.

"Don't worry, I've already packed for you. Just check if I've got it all" said Lindsey.

"Thank you Boo… that's so kind of you, you didn't have to do that" said Tegan.

"Yes I did, kids are packed too. By the way it helps that your stylist has most of your clothing there already" said Lindsey.

"Ha… I love that we can have a stylist" laughed Tegan.

"You sure you're up for this?" asked Lindsey.

"I'm sure… I'm going to do this. I'm going to be fine… Don't worry" said Tegan softly and squeezed Lindsey's hand.

Ten minutes later everybody was around the dining room table having breakfast. It was a noisy affair and food was flying everywhere.

"You kids are killin' me… you're super messy" laughed Sara wiping Amelia's mouth.

"Ryan your aim is off dude, aim right for the face man" joked Tegan and helped Ryan chuck a piece of toast at Sara.

Ryan laughed out of his tummy.

"Funny!" said Sara sarcastically.

"Tegan! You know that kind of thing sticks and tomorrow we can't discipline him for doing it if you help him do it today" said Lindsey

"Yeah I know… sorry Boo" said Tegan and kissed Lindsey.

"Ugh we're eating" said Sara.

"I hate that I can't stay mad at you" said Lindsey through kisses.

"Guys… a toast. To Tegan… for being so brave these last two days… and to a fantastic tour" said Kate.

"No… to you guys, for always having my back. I love you all so much" said Tegan and held up her orange juice.

"Proud of you Tee" smiled Sara.

A/N: Phew, she got through it and somehow managed to make peace with everyone. Tour time! Review, review, review please!